kindertrauma

Category: General Horror

Texas Chainsaw 3-D (2013)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Wow. Did I really just witness that? I don't know what to say. TEXAS CHAINSAW 3-D is dumber than a sack of hammers. It's so hilariously punch drunk that it left me giddy. I believe it's magically moronic and if you can add numbers together, you'll agree. I could go on and on with everything that's ridiculously wrong with this movie but I decree today that if paid screenwriters are allowed to slack off so brazenly then certainly unpaid me can too! O.K, you and I both know that I enjoyed every shoddy second of it. It made me giggle like vandalism and I can't help it if I have a chronic fetish for "research" scenes. The one in this movie is phenomenal in its redundancy. They cut back and forth to the final dolt reading the same information over and over again as giant random words appear on screen. It goes on forever and how am I supposed to resist that?

Sorry if that makes no sense, but I ‘m suffering from a contact high from over exposure to incomprehensibleness. Whatever. In the new world order this film is heralding, sense has no place. This movie is an insulting outrage and it's also probably the most endearingly daffy horror sequel since FRIDAY THE 13TH: PART 7: THE NEW BLOOD. Save your dignity and stay home or gather your worst friends and go observe what's destined to become a highly quotable ("Do your thing, cuz!", "Ladies make-up? What a fruitcake!") camp classic. I'll be over here cackling like a lunatic wondering if I dreamt the whole thing and counting the days until I can force poor long suffering Aunt John to watch this heap at home. Oh geez, now I know exactly how Sally felt at the end of the original film! It's all so horrible that I can't stop laughing. But at least I got away! Didn't I?

Silent Night (2012)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I've made it clear I'm saving my tears for tragedies more devastating than a horror movie being remade HERE. Let me also be honest and admit that I get a kick out of watching supposedly broad-minded horror fans stomp their feet and get all Harper Valley P.T A. puritanical whenever a new one is announced. Sorry, nothing is more comical than a person in a zombie T-shirt crying about the death of originality. Greedy Hollywood is "out of ideas" that, or maybe they just know that pious bubble-dwellers will promote their film ad nauseum by bitching about it non-stop for a year…and then see it anyway. Can you believe that somebody had the gall to remake SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT? How can anyone hope to improve upon that fine piece of cinematic artistry? Don't get me wrong, I adore SNDN but a lot of my affection for it is because it is crass, disrespectful and mocks propriety. It's not a movie that would clutch its pearls and say "Well, I never!" at the thought of being remade. It was born to step on toes.

If you are appalled by remakes you better not watch SILENT NIGHT (2012); not only does it use a previously existing movie as a springboard to tell its story, it brazenly lifts swatches of content from fellow maligned remakes! Still teary-eyed about the MY BLOODY VALENTINE redo? Well here comes JAIME KING and a small town atmosphere to pour salt on your wounds! Still throwing darts at that ROB ZOMBIE poster because he successfully burned every copy of JOHN CARPENTER's masterpiece in existence? Here comes that no good MALCOLM McDOWELL and he's brought expressive color filters and light flares with him! That's gotta sting. Never mind that the first two SNDN's, long out of print, have been released at a reduced price to coincide with this differently titled movie's release, this abomination was built to ruin everybody's innocent memories! How will we ever go on?

SILENT NIGHT is a fine modern slasher. It has an exceedingly likable lead in KING and even though it's lame on occasion, its coal black sense of humor easily wins out in the end. They did a superior job making the Santa killer look menacing and there are more than a couple inspired kills. Granted, some of the nods to the original work better than others. It's always nice during the holidays to see someone impaled on antlers, but they needed to hire a much gnarlier dude to play phony-comatose grandpa. The guy they chose could play a patriarch on a nighttime soap! Look, I LOVE Christmas horror films and regardless of this flick's origin, it's a welcome addition to my collection. It's too soon to say if it will become part of my seasonal rotation but if I had to guess I'd say, "Who am I kidding? Yes." It's a crisp breezy romp and I must put a star on its tree for not shying away from killing a bratty kid who asked for it. I'll always favor the orginal's more personal story focusing on the forging of a psychopath, but there's room in my stocking for this approach too. I won't over sell it because I'm bias as hell but if you're into killer Santas movies than it's a must see all the way. In fact, I'm hoping it follows its inspiration's lead and spews out many sequels for years to come. Yes, SEQUELS! Groans of disapproval are music to my ears.

T. U. R. K. E. Y. Squad!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: These movies are NOT turkeys! They're all wonderful and waiting for you! Watch them in this precise order and YOU will become a member of the T.U.R.K.E.Y. Squad!

"T" is for TROG, a film with not one but TWO beasts!

"U" is for THE UNINVITED. A mutant cat! On GEORGE KENNEDY, he feasts!

"R" is for RAWHEAD REX, who just pee'd on a priest!

"K" is for KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE! You'll know exactly what to expect from the title at least!

"E" is for EQUINOX from this film, it's theorized, much of THE EVIL DEAD was fleeced!

"Y" is for YOU BETTER WATCH OUT! (CHRISTMAS EVIL) Yay, our days without holiday horror have officially ceased!

P.S.: Happy Thanksgiving to you & yours!

Streaming Alert :: The Pact (2012)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Remember when I was much better at alerting you to worthwhile movies on Netflix Streaming? I still watch movies on there all the time but somehow instead of writing about them, I end up shrugging my shoulders and taking a nap instead. What is there to say? People will either like stuff or they won't and I've been having extremely entertaining dark dreams lately that trump my ability to care either way. Luckily there is a cure for this particular type of writer's block and it's called a good movie. THE PACT (2012) snapped me out of my apathetic haze and I'm now going to enjoy giving you a short list of spoiler free reasons you should check it out.

1. THE CAST. In THE PACT, most of our time is satisfyingly spent with Annie, a young woman who returns home after her abusive mother's death and is confronted by malignant forces. She is played by CAITY LOTZ and, by my estimation, LOTZ kind of rules. She reminds me of MELISSA GEORGE and AMY STEEL combined with a little GILLIAN ANDERSON meets JENNIFER RUBIN thrown in and if that weren't awesome enough, she rides a motorcycle. LOTZ is a real find, striking a perfect balance between ornery and sympathetic. Another stand out is HALEY HUDSON who shows up as creepy psychic Stevie, emaciated and sunken-eyed, you can't tell at any given moment if she's going to break down in tears or explode into flames. I was also really happy to see good ol' CASPER VAN DIEN of STARSHIP TROOPERS and SLEEPY HOLLOW fame working against his human action figure looks by playing a weathered, been-around-the block cop and an unrecognizable AGNES BRUCKNER (THE WOODS) as Annie's ill-fated sister. MARK STEGER deserves high praise to for a ghoulishly graceful physical performance but I can't get into that any further without ruining things.

2. THE LOOK. THE PACT is beautifully shot. There's an unnerving meticulousness and I just happen to be a sucker for psychotic wallpaper and a limited beige and gray palate. Delicate touches are everywhere, meaning that repeat viewings promise to bring things to the forefront that I may have missed the first time and Christmas decorations loiter in the background, meaning I can happily throw this baby onto my perennial holiday viewing pile. Everything seems to have its own peculiar place and there is such a somber softness that when horrific images finally do appear, they are all the more jarring.

3. THE SCARES. I don't mind telling you that this movie fucking scared me. I can nick-pick a few story elements that didn't quit gel for me, but who the hell cares when THE PACT so successfully delivered for me on the fright-front? There's a wondrous bit that takes place in a motel where I thought maybe I was seeing something in the background and then it was suddenly made shockingly clear. It's a brilliantly sly thing and yes, I yelped. Actually, several scenes made me their bitch, but what really impressed me was the lingering creeps I was left stewing in. This is one of those great supernatural flicks that alters the way you observe things while you're watching it. Every shadow in my house was a little bit darker by the time it was done. If you enjoyed INSIDIOUS and/or LAKE MUNGO, you are probably the prime audience for THE PACT; it's a haunted house flick that genuinely feels haunted. Will it scare you as much as it scared me? I hope so but if not, tough luck! I've got my own bones to chill, and my own bad dreams to feed and this sneaky doozy about skeletons in the closet and one very gnarled family tree, snuck up behind yours truly pitch-perfectly.

Lady in White (1988)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: Sorry for the filler-post but I'm working on something unwieldy that is taking up all my limited brain space. It gives me tummy-rumblings to neglect you fine folks though so I thought I'd scrap this together. The other night I came across LADY IN WHITE (1988) playing on the MGM HD channel and it seriously made my eyes pop out of my head. Well, that's not exactly true but it made me want to pull my eyes out and squash them against the TV in approval. I'm already a fan of the movie but I could not believe how gorgeous it looked with all of its colors behaving all concentrated, bright and insane.

LADY IN WHITE does for Halloween what A CHRISTMAS STORY does for Christmas, so why is it not the equal perennial must-see? It's so good. It's spooky, nostalgic, moving, creepy, it reminds you that racists and child murders are scum and visually it's got some NIGHT OF THE HUNTER, dark fairy tale thing going on. What's not to love? Jo Polniaczek's Dad is in it for chrissake. If you haven't seen it you just have to, that's all I'm saying. Here are some images from my sorry DVD to back me up further but this movie needs a special edition HD upgrade pronto. Alright, I have to go back and tame the giant mess I'll dump on these pages in the near future. Hope everyone is starting to feel the Halloween!

Brutal (2012) by Kinderpal Mickster

Posted on By kinderpal mickster

Brutal (2012)

"My name is Brutal…" are the first words spoken by the enormous brute tormenting A. Michael Baldwin's character in the film Brutal (2012). At this point in the film, one may assume that Brutal is going to be a run-of-the-mill "torture porn" flick that has been done to death in recent years; however, Brutal is neither run-of-the-mill or "torture porn." I hesitate to give very many details, as I do not want to spoil this movie for anyone. I will say that Brutal has many twists and turns and it kept me guessing. In fact, I was floored by the final twist. Brutal stars A. Michael Baldwin (The PHANTASM series) and Michael Patrick Stevens who makes his writing, producing, directing, and acting debut. The majority of the film takes place in a cramped basement with Carl (Baldwin), a family man, being tortured by Brutal (Stevens) for no obvious reason. At an hour and twenty-five minutes, Brutal is tense and harrowing from beginning to end. Brutal left me contemplating what I would do if I found myself in a similar situation. Ultimately, Brutal shows what people are capable of when pushed to the edge. The filmmakers and actors have plenty to be proud of here. The finished product is impressive considering budget and time constraints. Hopefully, this is just the beginning for Michael Patrick Stevens and a new beginning for A. Michael Baldwin.

UNK SEZ: Thanks for the scoop Mickster! Folks, you can learn more about Brutal at its official website HEREand check out the trailer below!

"Born on the Night of the Living Dead" :: (An Excerpt) by David Young

Posted on By unkle lancifer

From out of the Chimney:

I guess the weird music finally got to me. Or maybe it was all those voices that didn't belong to Peter Falk or Raymond Burr. Heck, maybe I finally got sick of not knowing. All I know is that one night I got out of bed to see what was on TV. And it was the worst mistake I ever made.

It turned out mom and Sue were watching a movie. By then I knew that certain movies and TV shows only came on late at night cause they weren't for kids. I couldn't imagine what was so bad that kids couldn't look at it. Mr. Voight at Voight's Party Store kept magazines behind the counter that had pictures of big booby women on the covers and a sign that said "ADULTS ONLY." Every time I asked what was in the magazines, mom would tell me they weren't for kids. I figured it was the same with movies that came on past bedtime. There were either monsters or big boobies in them. Only this didn't look like a big booby movie. And it didn't look like a monster movie cause it was in color and Uncle Charley from My Three Sons was in it. Hey, what the heck was this?

"This is a crazy movie," said mom. "You'd better not watch or you'll have bad dreams." I trusted mom. She told me there was no such thing as ghosts. She told me that Heaven was for good people and that bad people made their own hell right here on earth. So if she said that the movie on TV would give me bad dreams, I believed her. And then there was my sister, Sue. She was sitting all scrunched up on the sofa with half her face hidden behind her knees. That's when I thought, uh-oh.

The first thing I did was cover my eyes. I wanted to watch, but I was afraid of seeing something that would give me nightmares. So, mom and I worked out a system. She told me when and when not to look. For the moment, everything was all right. I could look. There wasn't much going on. There were some people dressed up for a dinner party. A husband. A wife. Then some whispering and – "Don't look!"

Up went the hands. I heard freaky electronic music and creepy voices. I heard the scariest sounds that ever came out of our television set. Still, I trusted mom. When she told me it was safe to look, I looked. Same people. Same dinner party. Again I asked, what the heck was this movie about?
"Don't look!"

Systems like these never really work, but I was too young to know that. Whether mom came in too late or I uncovered my eyes too early doesn't really matter. The point is that I looked when I wasn't supposed to and saw something I shouldn't have seen.

First I've got to tell you about my grandmother. My grandmother was pretty old but she could do a whole bunch of stuff. She sewed quilts. She baked really good bread. And she made dolls. I didn't mind the quilts or the bread, but grandma's dolls really freaked me out. What she did was take an apple and let it dry in the sun until it got all brown and wrinkly. After that, she pinned these small eyes on it. She added hair, glasses, and sometimes a hat. Then she put the head on a miniature body that was dressed in miniature handmade clothes and placed it in a display case. There were display cases in grandma's kitchen, display cases in the living room, even a display case in the bathroom. Every time we went to grandma's there was a new apple-head doll in one of her display cases. And grandma would say, "That's my farmer," or "That's my princess," or "That's my hobo."

People like mom and Aunt Nora thought they were cute and funny but I'll tell you something; since the day those dolls started to appear, there was no more spending the night at grandma's for me. I hated the things. I hated their wrinkly faces and their fake hands and their beady eyes. Plus, there weren't any locks on the display cases. There was a lid but there weren't any bricks on top. Seriously, how hard would it be for those things to come to life and climb out? Especially when it got dark.

With that in mind, I'll give you one guess as to what I saw on TV when I should have had my eyes shut. Yep. It was one of grandma's apple-head people. Only this one wasn't "farmer" or "princess" or "hobo." This one was "monster." It was the same size as one of granny's dolls only it had the body of a hairy black gorilla and facial features that were bigger and scarier than the kind grandma attached. Oh, yeah, and it was alive. Specifically, it was under the dinner table, pulling a napkin off Kim Darby's lap in a movie called Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark. I happened to look right when Kim did, and both of us went "Huhh!" when the thing looked up at us. I didn't stick around to see what Kim did next. I bolted for the bedroom and bawled my eyes out. With the light on, of course.

Mom spent the next hour and a half trying to calm me down. There was no calming down. I was hysterical. I didn't know where the thing came from, or what it wanted from poor Kim Darby, but none of that mattered. I was frightened out of my skull. This wasn't the sorta scare Abbot and Costello got when they met Frankenstein. This felt like somebody took a hot poker and burned the image in my brain. Every time I shut my eyes, I saw that freakin' apple-head monster staring back at me.

But there wasn't just one. There was a whole bunch of them and they came out of the chimney at night. Maybe if they lived in some dark castle in a foreign country where people still rode around in horse and carriages and didn't have electricity, I wouldn't have been so scared. Only they didn't. They were in regular peoples' houses, in regular peoples' chimneys (we had a chimney). They could hide behind heater vents (we had a lot of heater vents). Or they could wait inside of closets (ditto). And if I listened hard enough, I swear I could hear them whispering.

Suddenly the rules were different. Before, I could watch something on TV and switch it off and that's where it would stay – off. Only now, seeing something on TV brought that thing out of the TV and into my world. Seeing something gave it existence in reality. On the same note, this meant that I could be sucked into the reality of what I'd seen. I wasn't clear on the physics, I just knew that if I got scared enough, reality was pretty much up for grabs.
The dark would never be the same.

UNK SEZ: For more BORN ON THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD just jump right on over HERE! If you are someone whose life has been strongly affected by movies you are sure to devour it like a zombie would a brain or a shark would a foot or an ape would a banana. I could not get enough of it!

Curse of the Doll People (1960)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

It seems like it was only a little over a year ago (because it was) that I was catapulted head over heals into the Halloween spirit by a DVD box set of Mexican horror films presented under the title CRYPT OF TERROR VOL 1. Naturally I would have gotten into the spirit eventually anyway but it never hurts to have a turbo boost speed ya there. I realize that lightening rarely strikes twice and that thunder only happens when it's raining and that players only love you when they're playing, but how could I resist purchasing another CRYPT OF TERROR offering when I spied it in the used bin, especially when the film they were pimping was entitled CURSE OF THE DOLL PEOPLE? I had to yell "YOLO!" even though for me that acronym stands for "You Only Lose Ordinarily."

I wasn't so crazy about the sloth-like CURSE OF THE DOLL PEOPLE. Maybe I was in a jittery mood but it felt repetitive. I may have even said to myself, "Self, if I have to hear one more fruitless conversation about science vs. magic I'm going to flip over the non-existent coffee table." I mean, I totally believe in magic but not when it's used as a trapdoor to escape from explaining things. At least "science" stands its ground and doesn't mumble while hoping you'll just give up and accept it. I give the film mega leeway for the limitations of the time period in which it was spawned but even I have my limits when it comes to tail-chasing dialogue drudgery. I'll give the film props though for having a lady person who is smarter than everybody else and a bad guy who dresses like a gay wizard. I think it even has some agreeable atmosphere, but I get the feeling that this may be due to random circumstances rather than artistry. So there- that's the bad news. It's off my chest. This is all kinda about waiting for a bus outta bores-ville until…

…the Doll People show up! Yay! Alright, I have to admit, as much as this movie made me want to pick up a pen and a crossword puzzle and then put down the crossword puzzle and shove the pen in my eye, there's no getting around the fact that the titular Doll People were worthy of embarrassing air guitar solos. Here is the deal. When a person is killed in this movie (a bunch of them are cursed for stealing a voodoo statue- whatever.) they are turned into a doll man and that doll man is represented by a little person wearing a paper mache mask of an awkward likeness of their face. The masks kind of look like the original person but they also kind of look like that old lady who screwed up the restoration of that Jesus painting had a hand in them. I should also add that the Doll People kill with giant needles and I'm pretty sure a decapitated head's eyes glowed. The movie, as a whole, may not be much but whenever these dudes show up it's DAVID LYNCH meets DEVIL DOLL. So you know what? I recommend just looking at pictures of the doll people instead of watching the movie. I have a feeling if I came across this one late at night and just caught a few scenes out of context I would have been much more satisfied. Standing alone without a tired story to drag them down, the Doll People seem to loom much larger.

"Oh, That's Them-The Little Horrors!" (Guest Post by Peter Gutierrez)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I know it took place earlier this month, still at some remove from Halloween, but I can't help feeling that the new DVD release of Hammer House of Horror must be one of the genre's home video highlights of the season, maybe the year. Synapse Films has done its typical bang-up job in terms of the transfer, with the result that this 1980 TV series (it ran for but a single season) now looks and sounds better than ever.

Does that mean it's so pristine that it has lost some of its late-‘70s feel? Hardly. In fact, I think the overall me-decade vibe and its particular brand of horror is one of the main virtues of the series, at least for anyone who's savvy enough to be a regular Kindertrauma reader. And of course a big part of that period's aesthetic was its depiction of children in all their creepy, other-ly glory.

Perhaps the best known episode of Hammer House of Horror in this regard is "Children of the Full Moon." Despite its title telegraphing the monster du jour, the story still manages to go places that you don't see coming—and very nasty places at that. The kids themselves are the very image of courteous British youngsters, apart, of course, from all those eerie off-screen noises they make. "Oh, that's them—the little horrors," exclaims Diana Dors, part of a memorable performance that plays exquisitely with the Kindly Maternal archetype. Ultimately, the kids aren't central to the actual action but, interestingly, they become increasingly important to the episode's themes about the nature of humans and animals and how we ignore any overlap at our own peril.

Another notable episode also seems to make its lone child character fairly tangential to the main plot. At first, that is. By the conclusion of "The House That Bled to Death," however, there can be no doubt regarding that character's importance; in fact, what makes the lurid script so brilliant is the way that the narrative kind of ignores her because that means that the audience does as well… until she comes back to haunt us. Well, I don't mean haunt us literally—or wait, maybe I do: I'm being coy because I don't want to give away too much. And for that same reason I certainly don't want to dwell too much on a scene at a kids' birthday party that may be the most celebrated sequence of the entire series. In terms of sheer logic, sure, what happens is more than a bit nonsensical, but that just adds to the fun.

My favorite episode that features kids prominently, and one of my favorites overall, has to be "Growing Pains." Honestly, though, I can't tell how many of its neat psychological effects are intentional and how many are the result of some storytelling incoherence mixed with paranormal elements drawn from the making-up-the-rules-as-we-go-along school. But who cares? The episode sports tragic deaths (that might still prompt giggles), weird science, stuffed animals, and a supremely ambiguous, and therefore effective, turn by child actor Matthew Blakstad. "Growing Pains" thus feels like The Turn of the Screw filtered through schlock… which is precisely what makes it so wonderful.

Of course the series has plenty of reasons for one to like it apart from its kid-centric episodes. "The Silent Scream," with Peter Cushing and Brian Cox, is justifiably praised for its unnerving originality, and I'm personally quite fond of the demented surrealism of "Rude Awakening." But check out the thirteen episodes for yourself, and discover your own favorite. You really can't go wrong.

Peter Gutiérrez writes on horror for Rue Morgue and Firefox News, and blogs on film and pop culture for School Library Journal.

The Amityville Horror (2005)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I was flipping through channels the other day and I came across the original AMITYVILLE HORROR, precisely the scene where a nauseated nun, having just fled 112 Ocean Avenue, pulls her car to the side of the road, opens the door and heartily vomits. Naturally I was trapped watching the rest of the film to its conclusion, even while that meant suffering through commercial breaks brazenly more nightmarish than the movie itself. Truth is, the 1979 cinematic depiction of the alleged haunting will always be slightly lackluster compared to my pungent memories of lying on a shag carpet and braving the book. I do adore the actors involved (KIDDER & BROLIN) but not how the astonishing events in the film unfold as if they were routine chores. Time is kind to movies from the seventies though, and now I find even the static scenes hold fragments of my youth I had forgotten. Am I imagining the strange depressive drabness that hangs over the film or am I mixing the movie up with my own recollections of the time period in which it was shot? Yikes, how familiar is that puke green wallpaper?

Later that night I decided I needed to see the 2005 remake again. Once upon a time, the gritty preview trailers had convinced me that it would right the wrongs of the first attempt but I was newly left somewhat entertained yet duly disappointed. Again I appreciated the company (RYAN REYNOLDS has some convincing bite, MELISSA GEORGE is heartbreaking and aw look it's lil' CHLOE GRACE MORETZ!) but in this take, things are so off the charts fantastical and excessive in places that it hangs toward spook show burlesque. There appears to be phantom hands flying out of every corner and who needs CGI flies? Oh, and don't get me started on turning Jodi the pig into a then-trendy ghost girl, it's blasphemy. Not that the super-slick version doesn't have its strong suites, the revamped house is impressively intimidating and the Indian head television test pattern routine is semi-genius. (Plus I'm bestowing it the award for "Best Use of a Roof in a Horror Film Since HALLOWEEN 4!") I've got a hunch there's a superior film hiding under the heaps of tension dissolving subterfuge. If I could just grab some scissors and lop off every annoying chic-edit and brown-nosing jump scare I'm sure I could find it.

One shot I wouldn't touch comes near the end when for a millisecond an unidentified figure is shown through the front door crossing the lawn. It's subtle and bewildering and it's a welcome respite from all the wanton showboating. I'd share a screenshot, but it's so vague that it's impossible to capture. I tried.

Who needs words though? All you have to do to fully understand the differences in approach of the two AMITYVILLE flicks is check out a side to side comparison of the way the hapless babysitter who gets locked in the closet is presented… nuff' said.

If you're keeping score that's two movies based on the same story and I'd say both are passable and neither are as good as they could be. (PART II: THE POSSESSION remains the best in the series and that's because it's not afraid to lose its mind.) So my question is, why do I remain so infatuated? Why do I keep returning to this same address when I know I'm never fully satisfied with what I find there? As an adult, I don't even buy that the place was truly haunted anymore so why don't I move on? So much of my original gullibility was chained to my need to believe that part of religions function was to dispose of evil but now that I essentially believe the opposite is true, most of the tale turns to dust. I can now distinguish the difference between windows and evil eyes so why does that house keep staring at me!!!

Then it hit me, much like the foolish HEIDI KLUM, I had been battling my damaged hair from the WRONG END! Religion needed to take a hike, what role did it play in the drama besides as a failed remedy? No seriously, religion, "GET OUT!" as usual, ya just muddy the waters! Also, all you ghosts? Disappear. If you're not going to actually do anything that can be recorded, vamoose! Now we're the heart of the house and I get it now. Do you know what's scarier than hearing bossy voices, getting welts on your hands, finding strange cubbyholes and suffering swarms of houseflies? I do! I know something scarier! How about having a trusted member of your family grab a shotgun and blow the brains out of you and the rest of your family while you sleep? The flies, the ghost swine, the Devil & God are idle bystanders; the horror of Amityville is the horror of domestic violence.

In DANSE MACABRE, STEPHEN KING cites "economic unease" as a timely factor responsible for the tales' popularity and while that's probably true, I'd blame at least some of its staying power on a demon similar to the one that steered his THE SHINING. Children relate to the fear that their parents might change faces and crush them and parents squirm at the thought that they could snap and clobber their offspring. No such events occur in either Amityville telling, but the threat that the family's paternal anchor could repeat the original slaughter (whether via possession or not – who cares when you're dead?) stalks every hall. (Thank you, supernatural forces. Your services here are no longer required.)

Remove the magical "evil" and THE AMITYVILLE HORROR is still the ultimate American nightmare. By rights, when one moves up in the world and achieves a higher standard of living, happiness and contentment are promised to follow. Only in the case of the Lutz family (whose dream becomes accessible thanks to another family's tragedy) some kind of cosmic error has occurred because having more brings them dysfunction and unhappiness rather than joy. Shoo away all the superstition (and the merited anxiety that the church might abandon you when things get hairy) and we have a story about a family that can't enjoy their good fortune because mom's second husband is a moody dickweed with a potentially lethal temper. (That may not have been the case in reality, but it comes across in both films. In fact, the real George Lutz attempted to sue the remake for depicting him among other things, hacking up the family dog.)

For all the wild distractions of the redo it may hit the crux of the problem with a sharper blade. An attempt is made to tag blame on a phantom catch-all villain but who needs invisible bad guys when you've got George? After being called an idiot by her husband for realizing that they are "losing each other" and refusing to be satiated by "everything they ever wanted," Kathy vocalizes the essential truth; Yep, it's an amazing property but it has no worth if the family itself disintegrates. What good is achieving a dream when you are too filled with hate to enjoy it? Suggesting that happiness can't be bought (or won at the expense of others) makes her a traitor in George's eyes.

Maybe THE AMITYVILLE HORROR remains relevant not because of its success as a ghost story, but because of its success as a cautionary fable about hanging your "high hopes" on a house rather than the people inside it. If after all is said and done, under the floorboards, what we're talking about is the realization that living under the threat of violence can turn even the dreamiest home into a doorway to hell, then sadly it's not based on "A" true story, but many. People can argue the authenticity ‘til the cows (and the invisible pigs) come home, ghosts or no ghosts, there's enough horror under this roof to go around.