Category: General Horror

POLTERGEIST II: THE OTHER SIDE falls apart like a subpar paper towel on several occasions and yet it somehow sports a scene so acutely chilling that it leaves most other cinematic depictions of evil looking hopelessly impotent. That it achieves that transcendent point without the aid of special effects (save a rain machine) compounds the impressiveness of what's been captured. If you've seen the movie you know the bit I'm referring to. In it, JULIAN BECK as the reverend Henry Kane attempts to gain entrance into the home where the ill-fated Freeling family has taken up temporary residence. The day is bright and gorgeous and watching cadaverous Kane making his way to the front door is like witnessing a skull-faced wrecking ball rolling through a flowerbed leaving a trail of smoldering ash behind it. At the time of filming BECK was reportedly gravely ill and I can't help wondering if his proximity to death allowed him to relay his grim tidings in a frighteningly unmodified manor. We peg Kane at once as a manipulative liar but wince at the base truth he dispels when he very nearly looks directly into the camera and bellows, "You're all going to die in there!" The scene, taken alone, remains as ghoulishly powerful as it ever was and I know I'm not exaggerating its impact because we've received a slew of Traumafessions certifying its indelibility.

Running not so close behind is a lesser showstopper involving lovable (mostly due to cues provided by the impossible to argue with JOBETH WILLIAMS) dad Steve Freeling (CRAIG T. NELSON) getting trashed on tequila, gulping a possessed worm, and transforming into the antithesis of the good natured man we've come to know. NELSON mimics BECK's mannerisms with wild gusto and even purses his lips to mime his facial structure and the result hits my favorite note of being both legitimately disturbing and borderline embarrassing. Love still holds some power in the POLTERGEIST universe so when Diane states her unconditional devotion to her hubby, he has no recourse but to puke up the demon, which then squirms and flaps about on the floor like a giant maggot. The slimy bastard even has the cheekiness to grimace like a Kane-o-lantern before hobbling out of the room! I am giving this scene less laudation because some of its success hinges on somewhat dated special effects but like the one previously mentioned, it hits a bona fide nerve. Vomit creature (as it's listed in the credits) aside, Steve's loathsome, post-possession behavior replicates that of an abusive alcoholic in a squirmy, uncomfortable way (not much of a leap considering the instigator he ingests is found at the bottom of the bottle.)

So with not one but two highly memorable, if not classic, scenes like these what could possibly be wrong with POLTERGEIST 2? Well, a lot. Director BRIAN GIBSON is fine when dealing with consummate professionals like BECK, NELSON and WILLIAMS, but every other cast member is left looking humiliatingly amateurish and hung out to dry. Matters are made worse by a title that sparks the imagination with a promise of revealing the afterlife when all we are delivered are poor blue screen flying effects, a badly realized miniature representing "the beast" and a too corny for even this cornball glowing grandma angel who saves the day to a furiously trying to pick up the slack JERRY GOLDSMITH score. In fairness, P2: TOS experienced more than its share of behind-the-scenes setbacks including the already mentioned death of its ace in the hole baddie BECK but that hardly explains all of the lack of creativity shown depicting the titular "Other side." In addition, it's a little difficult to buy the "We must do this as a family" schmaltz when the Freeling's eldest child has disappeared and it's deemed not worth mentioning why. The fact that DOMINIQUE DUNNE who played daughter Dana, was murdered shortly after the first film makes the mass denial all the more crass…or maybe it's just sad.

Oh hell, you know what I have to do? I'm going to do it. I'm stamping this movie with my slightly unflattering but ultimately affirming GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME stamp! There. Bang. I just did it. Parts of it are crap and it reeks of negative energy but when it shines it shines and maybe there are better sequels out there but do they boast such monumental take away moments? Not much can alter the fact that THE OTHER SIDE is the least fun film of the trilogy (PART 3 is hilarious) but that's the price you pay for raking up unpleasantries like spousal rape, alcoholism, child abuse, religious fraud and suicide cults (not to mention granny death) in a would-be summer blockbuster. Hey, at least it's ambitious. People can go ahead and claim this is a retread of the first but its actually following its own dark guide. If the first film secretly worried about the teacher student relationship children have with their television this one boldly wonders if Sunday school was ever any better. I love the first movie, it can't be beat, but one thing it doesn't have is JULIAN BECK as Kane. If his character was all that this movie offered that would still be good enough for me. Yep, heaven is a let down but should anyone be surprised? Here's hoping BECK is somewhere enjoying something grander than a blue screen cloud.

Wait a minute! I thought I was done with the above post but I have to add one more thing. If I had any pride in my work I'd incorporate this thought to the above text but I'm taking the easy way out and shoving this tacked on addendum here instead like a lazy bastard. While gathering the images for this pile of words I came across another scene that I'm strangely drawn to. It's right after the grandma dies and Diane goes out to the garden, she sees a rose bush and she recalls planting it with her mother in a gauzy flashback (Me = sucker for gauzy flashbacks). A wind picks up and as petals fly by, Diane senses her mother still very much with her and how sweet. Then suddenly it's night and a weird cloud is over the house. Diane gets up from bed to visit the area where she felt her mother's spirit. I think she even hears her voice. Then all of the sudden rotting dead people jump out of the ground and drag her under the earth screaming (Don't worry it's just a dream). I don't know, something about contrasting the earlier consoling scene with it's pessimistic opposite so quickly afterward gets to me. One moment it's suggested that the cycle of life is completed with one becoming part of nature and the next we're being told it ends with one succumbing to an inescapable army of rot. See, this movie is so unapologetically morbid that I must forgive its slipshod moments. I have no choice.

Hold onto your hats because I'm about to blow your minds. There's a movie about a neurotic woman spending time in a glorious gothic mansion that's haunted by GLORIA GRAHAME (BLOOD AND LACE, MANSION OF THE DOOMED) and, here's the crazy part, I don't particularly care for it. Does that even make sense? How on Earth is that even remotely possible? I've investigated this phenomenon from every possible angle and it still remains true. It's a genuine paradox. Here's another thing, and I feel justified playing this card because I rarely do, I really dislike the main character. I'd blame the actress (ROBIN GROVES) entirely, because she does get on my nerves in a distinct way, but I have to give her some slack as the script relentlessly demands that she act like a persnickety crab. She probably would work as a snide side-character but being handcuffed to this self-absorbed harpy for the entire run of the film becomes laborious. I found myself fantasizing throughout most of THE NESTING that a bus would appear out of nowhere a'la FINAL DESTINATION and just erase her from the screen in a honking blur. Is that normal? Maybe I need to get one of those EXORCIST brain scans. I'm starting to think I have contracted that mental disorder you get from cat poop.

Speaking of mental disorders, our story begins with self-proclaimed "brilliant" novelist Lauren Cochran (GROVES) experiencing a panic attack while walking the streets of a city. Her shrink says she has agoraphobia, which she has never heard of. I would have diagnosed her with whatever is the opposite of agoraphobia due to the fact that throughout the film she acts in the exact opposite way that an agoraphobic would unless agoraphobics are known for moving into towns they've never been, climbing on very high roofs and visiting people alone they are warned not to in the middle of nowhere. Truth is, I'd overlook all that contradictory behavior if our hero were capable of any facial expression besides, "I smell Limburger."

I'm not a stickler for authentic human reactions when we're dealing with a movie that focuses on fantastic events, but after Lauren is chased by a murderous bug-eyed hillbilly and is cornered and forced to murder him by slitting his head like a melon with a scythe, I expect her to respond in some other way besides running home to wearily curl up with a smoke. I also have a hard time believing her love interest when he shows up and says something along the lines of, "Don't worry, I talked to the police (about the guy you killed) and it's cool."

On the other hand there's something delicious about a movie that so steadily delivers elements to disapprove of. I derive no joy hallucinating I'm somehow superior by passively pointing out flaws from the couch and yet the mongrel in my brain can't resist gnawing on a bone this succulently aggravating. So in a way, I do somewhat enjoy NOT enjoying THE NESTING. Luckily, the already mentioned memorable house, the overall overgrown, run-down rural setting and the early eighties time period make this exasperating pill easier to swallow. It's too bad it doesn't work better though; there are worse ideas than stealing shamelessly from THE SHINING, GHOST STORY and THE CHANGELING.

The biggest sin of all has to be its squandering of GLORIA GRAHAME in her final film role. She's barely on screen and when she is, most of her quirkiness is gauzed over. They even slap her with a dubbed, ill-fitting high-pitched laugh, what a waste! Maybe I'll give it some worthless extra credit for at least trying to be more cerebral and less teen-friendly than what was popular at the time, even though it is probably that exact higher goal that allows it to fall on its face as hard as it does.

I don't mean to alarm anybody but it appears that at some point between the time I watched WILLARD back in 2003 and yesterday, somebody magically changed the tone of the entire film. What was once a quirky, dark-humored revenge flick concerning adorable critters is now a morbidly tragic character study that mercilessly kicked my heart in the crotch. I didn't even know my heart had a crotch. Now I understand why this wasn't a huge hit. Honey, I shrunk the cathartic payoff! I feel horrible right now thanks to WILLARD but that's not saying I'm not happy about it.

One thing that has not changed since my first viewing is the fact that CRISPIN GLOVER is wonderful in the title role. I'm not just saying that because he's weird and I mistake weirdness for talent. I don't buy into that stuff. I was voted most likely to feel apathetic towards JOHNNY DEPP seventy million times in a row! GLOVER just IS Willard. He's owns it like a birthright. He's fearless and gracefully awkward and heartbreaking and you want to save him but you can't. And what a face…he's like a twisted male GARBO!

Modern science will never be able to explain my penchant for stories concerning abuse-baiting social misfits failing to connect with the world but not failing to reside in big creepy houses with fantastic furniture. It's one of those mysteries that will never be solved like why does the Loch Ness monster always leave the cap off the toothpaste and how come I woke up barefoot in an alley? Focus. Poor Willard is trapped in life. In fact, there are tons of gates, bars and cages everywhere he goes. People treat him poorly and are remarkably unmoved by the fact that he has the coolest nose ever captured on film. Life pretends not to be a nightmare for a brief time when he makes a new friend in a rat he names Socrates. Unfortunately, caring for something breeds vulnerability and the road to hell is paved in cheese. Willard may be the low man on the totem pole at work but in his basement, he becomes a God or at least relatively tall in comparison to his followers. He builds an army of rats and my dream is he'll take over the world.

But then there is the problem of Ben. Ben is the shadow rat. He's dark where Socrates is snow white. The pair make like a little angel and a little devil standing on Willard's shoulders and whispering in his ears. You could say one represents good and the other evil but who still believes in such outdated things? I think Socrates represents the hopeful dream and big fat Ben represents reality. Willard goes to sleep at night cuddled next to Socrates imagining a friend-filled future free from the cage but every morning, no matter what, he wakes up with that darn Ben staring back at him. Ben reminds him of his suffocating mother (the delightfully corpse-like JACKIE BUROUGHS), his battle-axe boss (R. LEE ERMEY, you know the drill) and his absent by way of suicide Dad (an image only cameo by original WILLARD (1971) star BRUCE DAVISON). He underlines with a black marker the truth Willard does not want to face; his fate is in the hands of others and that he'll never steer the ship. Ben's not all bad news though, because he'll also chew the face off anyone he's told to. But ultimately Willard betrays Ben and, in doing so, he betrays his own dark side and his own latent power. He fails to merge and become whole. I sympathize but it's frustrating.

One thing that's nice about WILLARD the film is that it's remarkably old fashioned. It's thoughtfully shot and nobly spends quality time setting up the party and handing out the nametags to all the guests. Sadly though, I think its archaic nature also demands that Willard find comeuppance for his deeds and I'm not feeling that. I know, I sound like a hypocrite because I usually say happy endings are for cowards but in this lone case, I'm making an exception. This is my thing but it fails to be my super-thing by not doing what I'm telling it to do nearly a decade after its release. My recipe would be: more human death, less animal death! Yes, I'm proud to be one of those shameful folks who hold the lives of animals in higher regard than the lives of humans! Surprisingly that even includes rats. I'm supposed to feel bad about that? I'm sorry humanity but I think if you reflect on your behavior over the last thousand years, you'll collectively realize you're not so hot. What I'm saying is get over yourself humans and don't feel bad when I tell you that I'd rather watch a bunch of you being slowly skinned alive than witness one rat stub its toe! Gee, no wonder I have so few friends.

WILLARD was directed by GLEN MORGAN who also did the needlessly harassed BLACK CHRISTMAS remake. Both films are visually sharp, are thrown off balance by apprehensive storytelling, boast genius scores by SHIRLEY WALKER and were born completely immune to audience appreciation. I think he's really underrated and maybe just has a curse on his head, so I send out apologetic karma balloons in hope that it helps. WILLARD is a good movie, it's just not always a good time but keep in mind that's coming from somebody who would have chosen Ben over Socrates in the first place.

First off, a heart felt thanks to Josh Gregal of The Ungodly Warlocks Horror Podcast for including NEON MANIACS in his IAHTKY post and spurring me to track it down.

I don't understand a lot of stuff so if I only liked stuff I understood, I wouldn't like much. That's no way to live. What are Neon Maniacs? I have not a clue but I am certain that I am fortunate that they exist at least within the boundaries of this film. From what I can gather they are terrible monsters that want to kill everybody. They all have distinct personalities and I will not be the first to describe them as a cross between cenobites and The Village People. They have one hackneyed weakness that even M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN wouldn't try to get away with except, he did in SIGNS. Yes, water is kryptonite to the Neon Maniacs, which is a dumb idea until you realize they can be fought with squirt guns which is kind of cool. You might want to squirt them fast though because some of them have machine guns. From what I witnessed humans are still way more allergic to bullets than Neon Maniacs are to water so keep that in mind.

Eighties Movies! What is it about them? I refuse to believe their marvelous nature is due to nostalgia and the joy of snickering at past fashion and music tastes alone. That can't be all there is to it! I'm going to loosely claim that eighties movies tend to hit the perfect note of not taking themselves too seriously while still taking themselves seriously enough not to resort to cynicism and condescension. I love that NEON MANIACS has a near GOONIES fuzzy-adventure spirit and yet still wants to decapitate a lady while she's going down on a guy in a park. I guess that's what you'd call an uneven tone but what a way to keep the viewer on their toes. The only consistency is the consistency of inconsistency and if you don't dig what's going down, just wait five minutes and the entire framework of this universe will change. There's plenty of inexplicable ineptitude but that doesn't stop a subway chase scene from being surprisingly energetic and that doesn't stop a phone call from a frantic parent whose child has gone missing from being LYNCH-level eerie.

A hefty reason this movie can get away with shrugging off the concept of communicating something you might understand is that it has a highly likable cast. Their acting skills are a moot point because there is no way anyone can authentically respond to the situations this movie dishes out. LEILANI SARELLE (BASIC INSTINCT) as Natalie, has the steepest hill to climb because she must act like someone who watches all her friends get murdered and then goes to school the next day but only after relaxing in a pool. CLYDE HAYES (Who may be one of the most boring FRIDAY THE 13TH victims ever, see PART 4) mutates from slobbering dork to chivalrous love interest to primping rock star within the space of an hour and somehow makes it work. Speaking of FRIDAY THE 13TH, keep your eyes out for MARTA KOBER who you may remember getting skewered while doing the nasty in F13 PART 2. She's not around nearly enough but her presence is a little extra eighties gravy.

Nobody but nobody steals the show quite like the charming DONNA LOCKE, who portrays confounding uber-scamp Paula. Paula is an amateur filmmaker whose bedroom is decked in horror memorabilia. She enjoys riding her bike through graveyards (causing PHANTASM flashbacks) and sleuthing about like Harriet the Spy. Perhaps her most amazing trait is that she is meant to be around the age of twelve or fourteen while LOCKE the actress is clearly a good decade older than that. Her stunning age reversal is accomplished by wearing a baseball cap jauntily to the side of her head (a Nostromo ALIEN hat no less!). I'm only sad that the director didn't go that extra inch and insist she wear overalls with a slingshot in the back pocket too. Watching Paula interact with her peers, her parents and the "older" teens is as dear as it is bizarre and adds yet another layer of absurdity. LOCKE has appeared to have fallen off the face of the Earth, which is a shame because I would happily watch her in anything.

On the down side, things do end up being wrapped up in a ruefully unsatisfying way which is surely due to mishaps and restrictions behind the scenes. It's not enough to undo the fun that has been had though. I hate to ever throw out the lazy "So bad it's good" line and in fact, I don't think it applies here anyway. NEON MANIACS is too imaginative and spirited to be called "bad." It's more accurate to say that it is a giant mess that never comes together properly. Does that sound like faint enough praise? Truth is, if this movie gelled better it would not be as entertaining, so maybe it found its proper form in the end anyway. Sure, nothing is explained but what possible explanation would suffice? What missing line of dialogue could magically sew this crazy quilt together? Do we really want that missing logic? Is logic worth the drudgery it brings? Not in this case. NEON MANIACS is truly maniacal and it glows with slimy eighties florescence; it fails colossally hard then cluelessly yells,"Ta-dah!" Poor me, I can only color myself a fan and applaud.