kindertrauma

Category: General Horror

The Thing (2011)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Rats, it started to rain on me as I trekked the half-mile or so to the theater to see the new THE THING! "That's O.K.," I thought; I need to be cleansed of my unreal expectations. This was a big 30 years in the making deal to me! I started to think back to my anticipation for HALLOWEEN 4 way back in 1988. I felt so lucky. It had seemed like that franchise was dead after Part 3 (another favorite) had screwed the shamrock and killed the pooch in the court of public opinion. It was so nice to be able to visit Haddonfield again!

I'm sorry, but I love sequels (& prequels). I know I'm not supposed to. I believe in episodic storytelling and I adore the familiarity. If my ALIEN box set had one lone movie in it, I would never stop crying. Some HALLOWEENs are better than others but who cares, I want more! To some people the FRIDAYs seem to go on forever but to me, it's fewer hours than one single season of BUFFY! I want more! I don't need or like perfection and a satisfying cinematic experience is a privilege not a right. I'm a horror fan, part of that means rolling the dice and taking the good with the bad. If I went by consensus on what was considered "good" half my DVD collection would disappear. I'll never, ever say, "I want my two hours back!" because I never ever will. I go to the movies because I don't want those two hours in the first place.

Aww, why'd I have to think back to HALLOWEEN 4? Those were the good old days. I believe I found out about that movie's existence from the poster hanging outside the theater. I had not read casting news, set reports and every tiny detail before I saw it. I was not reminded on a daily basis that it was a constructed product. I believed it to be real. When I went in that theater door, I was walking into Illinois. I didn't sit through the movie with a demon on my shoulder pointing out every discrepancy. My purpose was not to assign it the label of "good" or "bad" and I was oblivious to what anybody else thought. I had exactly one friend who liked horror as I did. No big debates. It seemed pretty obvious what was cool and what was dull. I guess we rated movies back then by the volume of the enthusiastic chatter afterwards or how frightening the walk home was…

BTW: The walk home from AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON was terrifying, we had to go through the woods and the walk home from POLTERGEIST was spooky as shit, but that's because we chose to cut through a graveyard…

Hey, I know people grow up (sorta-ish). I know my brain needs to take a larger leap these days to land in the awesome zone. There's a big difference between maturity and cynicism though and I wonder how much I'm holding myself back from really enjoying myself at the movies these days and I'm wondering who I'm doing that holding back for.

What if I dropped all my fucking baggage before I saw THE THING? What if I entered the theater like I would at 13? What if I shut off the Internet in my fucking head? What if the termites stopped eating the wood? Nobody has to know. This is between me and the movie screen. What if instead of resisting THE THING's every advance like a coy prom date, I went with the flow? I might even egg THE THING on a bit. "That's right THE THING right there." Hey, it's my ten bucks. Might as well get into it.

THE THING (2011) impresses me early on by playing MEN AT WORK's "Who Can it Be Now?" as a reference to "Who Goes There?' the science fiction novella that all THING movies are based on. I'm sorry but that's clever. I'm also appreciative of the serious attempt to mimic CARPENTER's ‘82 film visually and with MORRICONE's lifted score.

I'll be honest, I wasn't crazy about the idea of switching to a beardless lead, but this Kate Lloyd (MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD) person grew on me. There's no effort to prove her to be either sexy or ass-kicky, she's here to be the voice of caution and reason and I approve. I have to laugh thinking of HALLOWEEN 4 again and how a year later its sequel HALLOWEEN 5 wasn't capable of the type of continuity found in this prequel made THIRTY years after it's predecessor. Anyone who suggests that 2011's THING is a thoughtless cash grab with no effort behind it is not looking very closely.

Much of the action in this version echoes CARPENTER's. Logically it doesn't seem very realistic that the exact same events would take place in the same way but who knows. We're witnessing the birth of Armageddon; LOVECRAFT-ian beasts are breaking into our world. Perhaps the fates have decided that these exact events will continue to take place until such time as they take hold. It's O.K. with me; I'm a slasher fan, so the idea of hitting the same cues a couple times is not alien to me. "All this has happened before and all this will happen again."

We get a different version of the blood test scene from ‘82. It is learned that THE THING cannot duplicate inorganic material so if you have fillings in your teeth you are deemed safe. Paranoia is alive and nobody is to be trusted or believed. "Not all of us are human." One not mentioned enough aspect of CARPENTER's version that is alive and kicking here is the idea that it is dangerous to go against yourself and fall into the imagined safety of the group. In other words, to align yourself with the majority to prove you are not one of "them" is a good way to become one of "them."

At the time of its release, one of the biggest complaints about CARPENTER's THE THING was its use of special effects and ironically, an updated version of that debate is stuck to this version's shoe as well. If you took out "special effects" in a review of the ‘82 version and replaced it with "CGI" the criticisms for both films read almost the same. I do agree that some of the CGI in this movie is handled poorly especially toward the end of the film, but I'll live. At the end of the day it ALL looks more convincing than JAMIE LEE CURTIS' wig in HALLOWEEN II.

Truth is ROB BOTTIN's contributions in the ‘82 version of THE THING are basically the VAN GOGHs of cinema effects. It's not going to happen again. Period. I'm sorry, I don't like it any better than you do but a masterpiece is a masterpiece because it is a rarity. The CGI in the 2011 version is further testament to BOTTIN's remarkable genius and the fact that computers will never improve on the work of a brilliant man at the top of his game. Think of CGI as THE THING that can't duplicate BOTTIN. Let's not mourn our loss, let's celebrate what once was and move on. Pour some beer on the lawn.

2011's THE THING tries hard. It doesn't always succeed. Unlike many remakes and sequels though, it has a discernable affection for the film it's attempting to emulate. I didn't need or want to venture into the crashed ship near the end but I'd be lying if I didn't say I got goose bumps as the film closed with scenes that mirrored the opening of CARPENTER's. Dudes, you get to see how the axe got in the door, who the suicidal frozen radio guy was and the origin of the burnt split face monster! I can't believe others weren't as thrilled as me to see all that stuff. I'm beginning to feel like I AM LEGEND.

It's all good. I make myself happy imaging some die-hard fan of 1951's THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD checking out the 1982 version in the theater and leaving shaking his fists at the sky. "What have they done?!" I know how it feels, the ELM STREET remake made me bang my head against a wall for hours. Everybody hurts.

I enjoyed this THING though. In fact, if I was sent to a desert island and I could only bring two versions of THE THING with me I'd leave the 1951 version behind! Isn't that awful? I must have trashy taste. Well, it's my taste and the mob has not completely gotten me yet. Hey, this is a rambly post! I love rambly posts because it means I'm free from the zillions of invisible eyes that judge me! I guess my experiment of leaving the world behind as I walked into the movie really worked! I'm going to do it again and nobody can stop me!

NOTE: Thanks to FILMFATHER for alerting me to the video below! If you've already seen it, well, then…watch it again!

Kinder-Quiz :: 10 Signs Your House Has The Hots For You!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

If you jump on over to MADE FOR TV MAYHEM, you will find our kinderpal Amanda By Night is currently celebrating one of her favorite made-for-TV movies, 1981's THIS HOUSE POSSESSED with a week(s)-long investigation labeled THIS BLOG POSSESSED!

We here at Kindertrauma feel compelled to back up her enthusiasm because although THIS HOUSE commits the crime of indulging in the questionable musical stylings of one PARKER STEVENSON, it still stands as one of the most unusual haunted house flicks ever made. Just because I can't make heads or tails of what takes place in the film does not mean I don't like what I see.

One message that the movie conveys, that did not float over my head, is the idea that as nice as it may be to fall in love with a house, one thing you'd probably want to avoid is a house falling in love with you. There just doesn't seem to be a way for such a thing to work out well, especially if said house is omni-powerful for no discernible reason.

In the interest of public safety, let's take a closer look at some of the signs provided by THIS HOUSE POSSESSED that may indicate that your home may be harboring a super-bad psychotic crush on you.

For each "YES" answer below please add one point…

10. Is your house so in love with you that it scares fornicating teenagers off your lawn with an animated garden hose?

9. When your house watches TV, is it really just watching you at your job?

8. Does your house collect pictures of you as a child?

7. Does your house thwart your employer's sexual advances with a fire alarm?

6. When your employer's sometimes girlfriend comes to stay, does your house treat her to a shower of blood?

5. Have there been any instances of a librarian being crushed in the front gate of your property and being burned to death in her car?

4. Have any oldster doomsayers been boiled alive in your indoor pool?

3.Have you either come across a Raggedy Ann doll lately or accepted an offer to take a tandem bicycle ride with PARKER STEVENSON?

2. Has SLIM PICKENS offered to repair a mirror from your home and has the resulting outcome been an exploding mirror and a dead SLIM PICKENS?

1. Does your house have a pulsating chimney?

NOTE: Please now add three extra points if you are prone to writing important messages on stray napkins.

KINDER-QUIZ ANSWER KEY:
0 points or below: Sorry, but your house does not love you.
5 points or under: Your house thinks you are doable but not worth calling later.
6 points or over: Your house is in love with you. Dress accordingly.

UNK SEZ: For even more THIS HOUSE POSSESSED, check out our buddy VICAR OF VHS' Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad review of it HERE and don't forget to drop by MADE FOR TV MAYHEM!

The Sentinel (1977)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

It's time we talk about 1977's THE SENTINEL. Director MICHAEL WINNER (DEATH WISH, the crazy/awesome SCREAM FOR HELP) has an inelegant caveman-crude eye, lead actress CRISTINA RAINES is as animated as a Colorform, and the derivative sanctimonious plot even has the nerve to rudely sink into the police procedural zone for zero effect or reason. So why is the film so darn bizarrely effective? How does it spit in the face of everything one values in a good film and still achieve its primary goal of making me feel like life is a gross, indecipherable nightmare that will never end? I suppose that sometimes something can be inadequately done and yet still be so singularly weird and wildly wrong that it leaves a strong impression regardless. It's like throwing a dart at a board, missing the board entirely but hitting a fly on the wall instead. I can roll my eyes all I want while watching THE SENTINEL but by the time it ends, I know I'll be left feeling disturbed.

I guess all the church-y mumbo jumbo is meant to convince us that we're witnessing an epic battle of good vs. evil but that's what they all say and I don't believe it. The only war I see going on here is the clash between superficial beauty (fledging super model RAINES) and the not so appealing (everybody else). I don't see RAINES' character Alison in any true danger throughout the course of the film but she sure does experience a lot of anguish and mortification when presented with the ill favored and unattractive. The "demonic" are presented as too emaciated (her dad) too plump (his cake eating lover) too old (BURGESS MEREDITH among others) and too gay (Lesbian neighbors SYLVIA MILES and a she-bopping BEVERLY D'ANGELO). The film's climax provides a large print version of the subtext with a full on parade of individuals with actual deformities representing the denizens of hell. Due to multiple suicide attempts, Alison is damaged goods too (at least in the eyes of the church) and her punishment (or honor?) is to freeze and crack, lost in a loop forever fighting to keep the "ugliness" at bay. She's not the first. She won't be the last.

We're told that Alice has brought her torturous predicament upon herself by rejecting God and from what we see, God is not a fan of rejection. Yes, her brownstone apartment is the doorway to hell but that's what she gets for dissing marriage and desiring to live alone. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to bash THE SENTINEL's archaic view of damnation or maybe I do, but it's with the knowledge that the film's shallow piousness is its discomforting strong suit. Still, I can't help sensing that Alice's main anxiety is that atheism makes you less attractive. THE SENTINEL is usually accused of being an also ran in the religious horror movie craze of its time. It may look like that duck and quack like that duck, but it's really just a neurotic swan swimming on lake shame. It doesn't get close to the artistry of the films it is often compared to but its fervent condemnations and Alison's relentless self-flagellation are nothing to sneeze at either. Just because an axe isn't sharp doesn't mean it can't do damage.

Somehow even more fascinating than THE SENTINEL's grotesquely simple view of humanity, hilariously crude post dubbing, cinder block lead actress and squeamish fear of the flesh, is the film's mind-boggling extensive supporting cast. Nearly every person you have ever heard of makes an appearance and somehow new people seem to show up in it each time you watch it. It's just ridiculous really and I refuse to list them all. Just when you think you've seen everything, TOM BERENGER and NANA VISITOR appear, eager to sign up to be the next victims. The fact that this film acted as such a weirdo magnet confirms my suspicion even further that there is something truly unnatural going on.

The truth is, I could stare at this movie like a zombie forever and I'd still be baffled. How was this movie ever made? How can such nonsense be so creepy? How is this not Italian? Based on a once popular novel by JEFFREY KONVITZ, THE SENTINEL may not hold a candle to THE EXORCIST in exploring good vs. evil but when it comes to exploring the sickness of dividing people into "desirable" and "undesirable," (intentionally or not) it excels. I guess in the end it really does have something to say about religion…and I guess it ain't pretty.

Dirty, Filthy Horror

Posted on By unkle lancifer

So I came across a German trailer for THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE (1976) sneaking around YouTube and it got stuck in my head. The trailer is so dark, damaged, scratched up and weathered that it feels like an unscalable wall of gloom. I've never seen the film look shabbier and I've never seen it look as intriguingly sinister or lurid either. Maybe I'm experiencing a rubber band effect from being exposed to too much slick high definition lately, but it got me thinking about the movies I enjoy that gather strength by the fact that they revel in their own grunged-out grittiness.

PSYCHO (1960)

PSYCHO may seem like a starkly handsome film now but when you compare it to HITCHCOCK's earlier flashier flicks, it's obviously a deliberate step away from artifice and glamour. Marion Crane stumbles into a world that is rotting and falling apart and HITCH's emphasis on keeping it candidly real went so far as to showcase the first flushing toilet seen in American film. PSYCHO is nothing if not about the blemishes and stains that can't be scrubbed away; not even in the shower.

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968)

Some folks might assume NOTLD's shabby chic aesthetic is due to its age but if you consider the fact that it was released the same year as ROSEMARY'S BABY, you get a better idea of just how scrappy and low brow this production is. The film's non-existent budget surely influenced the end result, but director ROMERO's blunt news footage approach turned the minus of poverty into an integral plus. NOTLD's public domain status insures that a dingy looking copy is never more than a Google search away.

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974)

Remaster it, put it on DVD, smack it with a Blu-ray high definition stick, hire a zillion cherubs to polish it with Jesus' tears, it doesn't matter. TEXAS CHAINSAW will always look like it's been dragged through the mud since the beginning of time and that's why I love it. No need for blood, the ultimate horror here is derived from committing the unspoken American sin of looking under the carpet where the trash has been swept.

SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT (1974)

Here's another example of a limited budget being an asset. SNBN is dark, cold and grey throughout and it utilizes its authentically well-worn locations to their creepy fullest, but it is the film's cracked and crusty sepia toned flashback sequences that really chill the bone.

CATHY'S CURSE (1977)

I may have just created a portal to hell by including CATHYS CURSE and PSYCHO on the same list and I'm fine with that. CATHY'S CURSE's heap of garbage, ratty demeanor is not an artistic choice but the result of brain damaged filmmakers and the reality that nobody would want to remaster the film due to the process involving having to watch it. I stand convinced that every repulsive rust and avocado hue from the seventies dived into this celluloid cesspool to die. That said, one of my favorite aspects of this abomination, besides its doctrine of non-stop nonsense, is the fact that its base fugliness is heightened by its shredded, war torn ill kept state. What a Mess-terpiece!

SCREAMS OF A WINTER NIGHT (1979)

I've never seen a copy of this movie that doesn't look like hell and I don't think I want to. Huge chunks of it are completely indecipherable but that's part of what makes it work for me. SOAWN goes beyond delivering nicked and damaged visuals; it offers a wave of crunchy crumbling sound too!

DEAD AND BURIED (1980)

Here's an underrated movie with no shortage of atmosphere. D&B has several shockingly gruesome set pieces but for me there's one ragged insert that shadows over the others. In it, one the main characters is revealed to be not quite what they seem via a battered and dingy amateur home film, the texture of which contrasts with everything else we've seen.

NIGHTMARE (1980)

Finally available on DVD, I was initially disappointed when I threw NIGHTMARE's disc in my player and noted the extensive scratches and damage that it still retains. My chagrin dissipated quickly when I realized that NIGHTMARE's sleaze trash, grind house nature was in fact perfectly framed and amplified by the scourge of visual imperfections.

CEMETERY OF TERROR (1985)

I have to include this recent discovery. One of the great joys of watching COT is basking in its ramshackle mangled mahogany state.

THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999)

How ironic that when Hollywood jumped at the chance to capitalize on BLAIR's success with a sequel that the first thing they jettisoned was the original's coarse and crude threadbare look. C'mon, the film's ace in the hole for igniting imaginations was its unrefined, vague as the shroud of Turin visuals.

THE ROB ZOMBIE OEUVRE

From the kaleidoscopic channel surfing static strewn barrage of HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES to the acrid dusty rust heaps of THE DEVIL'S REJECTS to the swirling melted Jolly Rancher bag of his HALLOWEEN re-duo, ZOMBIE's visuals are never not rug burn raw and bursting with imperfect unkempt energy.

THE END

Hey, so that was an eclectic (sloppy) assemblage of films wasn't it? I almost included SE7EN(1995) and PLANET TERROR (2007) but decided that rather than earning the holes in their jeans, they bought them pre-weathered at designer stores. Maybe I should have separated the films by those that were scruffy on purpose, those that were ratty due to budget and those that were torn up due to not being well preserved but I didn't. I mostly just wanted to talk about the wondrous effect that the marred, sullied, untidy image has on me when I watch a horror film and what can I say? I like things a little messy. It's a matter of taste.

The Final Terror (1983)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Slasher movies are like wine, they get better with age and only a sophisticated palate can distinguish the full range of subtle aromas and flavors. Some days I simply require the crisp hearty taste of a killer in the woods flick and I know I am not alone. THE FINAL TERROR is often dismissed as a FRIDAY The 13TH rip-off but that's not entirely accurate. Really, TFT should be so shrewd as to mold itself after FRIDAY, instead it's frustratingly coy and it refuses to go for the gusto even when in the perfect position to do so. Just when things get exciting, it ends. Still, it does have a certain something and I almost masochistically enjoy that it won't give me what I want.

What's to love:

The cast: JOE PANTOLIANO is the perfect creep and aw, there's LEWIS SMITH of BUCKAROO BANZAI and MARK METCALF from the TWISTED SISTER videos! Furthermore, I'll never say no to either DARYL (BLADE RUNNER) HANNAH or RACHAEL (NIGHT SCHOOL) WARD. Even though neither leave much of an impression here, to have both in one film is an embarrassment of riches. ADRIAN ZMED on the other hand is nothing to brag abou,t but I'll give him a break as a courtesy to GREASE 2.

The Location: Where FRIDAY shows off the lovely woods of New Jersey THE FINAL TERROR takes place in some zone that more closely resembles the planet Endor. (In fact, IMDb just informed me that TFT and RETURN OF THE JEDI do share location.) Nature here is all encompassing and the sense that help is out of reach is distinct.

The Killer: TFT's menace sprouts straight out of a campfire tale. A young girl is raped by her uncle and thrown into an insane asylum. Her offspring later frees her but then noting that she is nuts beyond repair leaves her in the woods to live off the land. Now, she hunts trespassers and could one of the main characters be that very son? It's nice having a female psycho and it's cool that the haggy beast camouflages herself to blend in with the surroundings and uses what is available to make deadly traps. Imagine being split apart by rusty can lids! That's gotta hurt. Plus she lives in a shack in the woods just like I will someday!

What's not to love:

The Kills: There's maybe two barely decent kills in this movie and that's not going to cut it. In fact, half of the cast survives! I appreciate that TFT was going more for a survival thriller rather than slasher flick vibe but the difference between obscurity and rampant cult fandom (THE BURNING will tell you) is mostly in the blood. I'm not saying you have to spring for SAVINI or anything, but maybe go to the store and score some ground chuck for Pete's sake.

The Lighting: If you're old enough to turn on a camera then you're old enough to turn on a light. I know there are easier things than lighting a forest but c'mon. I'm going to give TFT the benefit of the doubt and point out that it has yet to receive anything close to a proper presentation for the home market. I don't remember image quality being an issue when I first caught it on cable as a critter. Maybe my eyesight was better then.

The Pace: TFT slowly builds up to an alarming bus attack scene and then somehow looses momentum again. I understand the value of quiet time and I don't require fireworks every second, but there is a certain amount of focus and direction that is necessary for effectiveness. It's kind of like listening to someone tell a story who keeps getting sidetracked by minutia. I can forgive vagueness but not so much the feeling that so much time is wasted where we could have easily have learned useful information.

I know I'm trying to get a dog to meow and that if any other movie was as equally good as it was bad, it would be called a failure but this is a forest-set, eighties horror flick and in a way that overrides all. If you're not a slasher fan you needn't bother, but if you count yourself among the truly devoted it might hit the spot. THE FINAL TERROR gets props from me for not following the usual path but it sort of gets lost in the woods anyway. We don't get the usual stereotypical characters and that's nice but then again we don't get to know anyone at all. Why am I telling you all this? Because THE FINAL TERROR is available in full for free on YouTube and no matter how you look at it, free is a fair price isn't it? Maybe not, but sometimes I just have to take a walk in the woods anyway.

Seven Unsung Vampire Flicks

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: Here's a list of seven vampire flicks that I believe are underrated. You will not see great movies like NEAR DARK, THE HUNGER, VAMPIRE'S KISS or NOSFERATU here because I think people generally know those flicks are good. Beware because even though they are numbered, I put little or no thought toward their order!

7. VAMPIRE WARS : BATTLE FOR THE UNIVERSE (aka BLOODSUCKERS) 2005

You may have stumbled across this one on the SYFY Channel, thought it looked lame and skipped past it and, if so, you really missed out. This is great, goopy, gory escapist entertainment sporting highly likable (and easy on the peepers) characters that I only wish I got to see more of. It's sorta the illegitimate child of BUFFY and FIREFLY coated in an almost FLASH GORDON-esque corny, cartoon candy shell. The first thing I thought after viewing it was, "This should be a series!" And how sad to find out that it actually is a pilot for a show that never got picked up. Ouch. That hurts considering the bonanza of crap SYFY chose to support instead. VAMPIRE WARS comes courtesy of MATTHEW HASTINGS who is responsible for the equally underrated DECOYS (2004), so maybe I shouldn't be so shocked that I enjoy it as I do.

6. THE NIGHT FLIER (1997)

Of course this movie fell through the cracks, it's based on a short story from some obscure writer named STEPHEN KING! Two tabloid journalists are tracking down a serial killer who uses a private plane to stalk his prey. Matters turn for the worse when the suspect is discovered to be a vampire with a pilot license. The always good MIGUEL FERRER gets a chance to tear things up in a rare lead role and director MARK PAVIA provides more than a few moments of true eeriness that are bound to stay with you. My only question is why we've never seen another picture directed by PAVIA. I hope he has a good excuse.

5. THE THIRST (1979)

Here is yet another example of great Australian cinema. THE THIRST is a remarkably original vampire movie both in its tone and with its progressive vision. Make sure you catch this one on DVD in widescreen and read our more extensive review HERE.

4. I, DESIRE (1982)

This one is probably going to be difficult to track down, but if you are a fan of eighties horror and are looking for a good DAVID NAUGHTON-starring companion piece for AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON, it's worth the effort. If you're a BRAD DOURIF fan, and you should be, then get on it quick. Check out our full review HERE and our pal AMANDA BY NIGHT's thoughts over at MADE FOR TV MAYHEM HERE.

3. VAMP (1986)

To be honest, VAMP is not such a good movie, the story is all over the place, some of the jokes leave a bitter, douche-y aftertaste and the scares are few and far between. Be that as it may, it's a fluffy-fluorescent, neon noir knock out if you crave flawed eighties flicks. Moreover, the exceptionally charismatic cast makes it all worthwhile. GRACE JONES is oddly mesmerizing as a far too mute vampire goddess, CHRIS MAKEPEACE is a perfect clean-behind-the-ears everyman, DEDEE PFIEFFER is bug-in-a-rug adorable, and ROBERT (NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2) RUSLER, as always, rules. (If someone could explain to me how RUSLER didn't become a giant star in the '80s while a traffic cone with teeth named TOM CRUISE did, I will bake them a cake.) Sure, VAMP is rarely successful at its clear intention of capturing the spirit of the previous year's FRIGHT NIGHT, but as far as presenting characters we care about, it fares far better than that film's recent remake does. Not a total success, but nostalgically entertaining nonetheless.

2. DRACULA (Spanish version 1931)

When it comes to classic UNIVERSAL-style horror, I'm enraptured by the FRANKENSTEIN series, severely dig THE WOLFMAN and quite shamefully feel unsatisfied and unmoved towards TOD BROWNING's 1931 take on DRACULA. Aren't I awful? You see, for me, BELA LUGOSI may be sufficiently creepy and weird and all, but when it comes to romantic magnetism, his pockets produce moths. The Spanish version of DRACULA, which was filmed at the same time and utilized the same sets as the better known classic, mows the lawn in spots that BROWNING's version missed. It's got a far sexier vibe, more vibrant violence and frankly shows, rather than meekly cuts away from, good old-fashioned bug chomping. It's almost the exact same undead tale but the difference is, it pulsates with more gritty unapologetic life.

1. THE ADDICTION (1995)

One of these days I'll write about this movie more in depth, but for now I'll just say I love it. It's one of my favorite vampire movies, favorite LILI TAYLOR movies and favorite ABEL FERRARA flicks too. I find it much more effective than the similarly black and white NADJA and much more involving than the similarly shoestring-budgeted and New York set THE HABIT (both of which came out around the same time.) Besides TAYLOR, the cast also includes ANNABELLA SCIORRA, EDIE FALCO and CHRISTOPHER WALKEN. I don't think critics understood this one too much, chalking it up as a pretentious drug allegory when really it tackles much larger issues like humanity's natural penchant towards causing cruelty and the contagious nature of evil. It's as gloomy as a Ladder Day Saints commercial and yet its soundtrack features CYPRESS HILL and if that doesn't tell you how singularly awesome it is, then I don't know what will. This is yet another movie that never found its way to DVD but if you look around hard enough (namely HERE) you should be able to find it.

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (2011)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

After the hurricane split town it was finally safe for me to venture to the movie theater to see DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK. Many, many people felt differently for I found myself to be the only person in the place. I pretended I was rich enough to buy out the entire showing to watch it by myself and sadly this made me feel like a big shot. Outrageously the trailer for THE WOMAN IN BLACK was withheld from me and I had to be satisfied with the trailer for THE THING instead. It's too early to tell if that film will suck or not, but the music in the trailer contented me. DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK was about to start! I'm excited for this because it exists on account of the original T.V. movie happens to be GUILLERMO DEL TORO's own personal kindertrauma! I've never to my knowledge seen a movie based on a kindertrauma before! Gummy bears are in my pocket. God, CONTAGION looks like crap. What is WINSLET thinking?

There are a few major changes from the original DBAOTD but they all make fine sense. Sally is no longer an infantilized adult but an actual child and it's her dad (GUY PIERCE of RAVENOUS) rather than her husband whose careerism prevents him from properly engaging with her. Pop's girlfriend (KATIE HOLMES) is named Kim (after DARBY) and she reveals with a bit of dialogue that her own childhood was such a wreck that she's weary of the prospect of mothering by default. Sally's biological mother is briskly painted as an apathetic goon who can't be bothered even by a frantic phone call from the child she dumped like a load of laundry on her once husband. Naturally Sally is feeling so unwanted and so starved for connection that she starts chatting up the whispering demonic voices that come from the pit in the basement. They sound absolutely evil but they say exactly what Sally longs to hear, "We want you."

I was a bit worried from DBAOTD's trailer that the opulent mansion setting would be distractingly over the top and strain credibility but it's explained that our characters find themselves in such an extravagant environment while working on a temporary renovation. The joint is called Blackwood Manor as it was once where artist/biologist Emerson Blackwood hung his hat at least before he was pulled through a chimney by trolls. The biggest addition to the framework provided by the 1973 T.V. move is the extended mythology of these creatures who forever now can be referred to as "Homunculi" rather than "walnut heads" or "prune goons." The beasties are now linked to tooth fairy legend as their hobbies include trading children's teeth (which they crave) for silver coins. Better still, the creatures (whose humanoid mugs on rodent-like bodies now favor LOVECRAFT's Brown Jenkin character as much as the dudes from 1987's THE GATE) are seemingly connected to the work of Welsh author ARTHUR MACHEN, particularly his tale "The White People" which also concerns a young girls relationship with extraordinary beings. Nice!

Not everything runs like clockwork though and sometimes the clichés outnumber the trolls. The goth cloaked SECRET GARDEN vibe is very inviting and the acting is fine considering the box office poison death wish cast but things do get vague and choppy (or MIRAMAX-y) towards the end of the film and it feels as if valuable pieces are left behind in an effort to rush toward the climax. Allow me to be an even bigger stickler for a moment and say that the film's largest break from known reality involves not fairy monsters but a magical Polaroid camera that never runs out of film. I want one! Still, this is a dark fantasy; a fairy tale really so reality does need to shut its trap to an extent.

Which brings me to my ultimate question, why in the name of ROALD DAHL is this movie rated R? Are they trying to make sure that anybody who might relate to it can't see it? There is no sex and little gore and what I like most about it is that it feels like one of those early eighties dark DISNEY flicks like WATCHER IN THE WOODS or SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES. Most adults don't have the required imagination to make this work for themselves so why court wet blankets? I don't get it but I suspect that this is a movie that will gain traction in the home market. Indeed, as much as I enjoyed it, I won't try to sway you folks to run out to the theater to catch it. I think the preferred way to watch this is at home in the dark on the couch under a blanket late in the month of October with your critical brain drugged and gagged. It's a fun spooky and mostly harmless "things that go bump in the night" flick with a couple lapses in logic but several decent, jolty scares and I think it will feel most at home exactly where it originated on the living room television set.

There is a sweet scene in DBAOTD where Kim realizes that young Sally needs some grounding guidance before she floats away for good. She takes her to see a pond within the grounds' labyrinth garden that is home to some brightly colored Japanese fish. She explains that the fish's markings attract badgers and that it is exactly what makes them special that makes them vulnerable and I'll say that is true for this film as a whole too. It may be a bit too precious for its own good and it has no business hanging out at the mall after dark. As an R-rated horror film for adults it leaves something to be desired but as a PG-13 fantasy, I think it deserves a silver coin. Director TROY NIXEY apes producer co-writer GUILLERMO DEL TORO well and although this movie may not be on par with the best of DEL TORO's work, I have a sinking suspicion I will be revisiting it more often. If it plays its cards right and freshens up with a smoother director's cut on DVD, it may even find its way to my Halloween heavy-rotation pile.

Don't Be Afraid of The Remake: Ten Other T.V. Movies Ready For the Big Screen

Posted on By unkle lancifer

With a big budget remake of DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK opening this Friday and talks of KOLCHAK leaping to multiplexes in the near future, it seems the remake machine is wising up to something many of our readers have known for a long time; that some of the best horror tales in existence spawn from the small screen. I present to you now a list of ten other T.V. movies that I think might deserve a big screen treatment, Be warned I left out STEPHEN KING classics like IT & SALEM'S LOT because nobody needs my nudging to remake KING and I skipped over some of my absolute favorites like SATAN'S TRIANGLE, BLACK NOON, DYING ROOM ONLY and MANY MORE simply because I either could not convince myself that they could be done better or I wasn't sure modern audiences would know what to do with them. There are so many great T.V. movies that a list of ten was not easy to compile so if I've left out any of your favorites, feel free to sing their praises in the comment section!

10. THE BERMUDA DEPTHS (1978)

I'm just going to get this one out of the way right off the bat. I'm not sure if it should be filed under horror, action or romance but I do know that its fans are some of the most passionately devoted out there. A story involving a giant sea turtle may be a hard sell in this cynical age but it may also be exactly what the doctor ordered if the correct tone is established. In fact, if done right it could appeal to a wide variety of ages. The original T.V. movie did indeed receive a theatrical release in foreign countries so perhaps TBD's leap to the big screen is not nearly as farfetched as one might think. Screw AVATAR sequels, JAMES CAMERON should be all over this epic oceanic lovelorn adventure.

9. DUEL (1971)

I pity the fool who tries to follow in STEVEN SPIELBERG's footsteps but if it's ever going to be attempted this is a good place to start. The original was so well received that it graduated to play in not only European theaters but in US theaters as well. An update could add a class war element with the main character being a snooty modern urbanite and the phantom truck driver being a faceless good ol' boy/ mudflap girl enthusiast. In any case, car movies tend to do well at the box office, so jack up the stunts and let her roll.

8. MR. BOOGEDY (1986)

This family friendly, haunted house comedy is a no-brainer. Go gross, go goofy, go 3-D, rake in the dough and leave BEETLEJUICE in the dust. Many folks have fond memories of the original but even kids unfamiliar with the title would be chomping at the bit to check out this funky phantom. Clueless Disney owns the rights so don't hold your breath but the original led to BRIDE OF BOOGEDY, so I see major franchise potential. C'mon on Disney, this is your chance to make up for lousing up THE HAUNTED MANSION to such a vile degree!

7. HORROR AT 37,000 FEET (1973)

This movie may be hokey but there's no reason why the remake has to be. In fact, I think this would be a great project for my pal and yours JOHN CARPENTER. Think about it, the story involves a plane carting ancient druid stones that ends up being threatened by its supernatural cargo. It's basically PRINCE OF DARKNESS in the air! The endangered are small group of people from all walks of life and who has more experience directing folks thrown together and forced to battle side by side against an unknown foe? (Think THE THING, THE FOG, ASSAULT ON P13, etc…) CARPENTER can upgrade the scares and the believability and he'd have a blast getting all metaphysical explaining the cargos power with his very own screenplay (which he'll surely credit to a fictional entity.) The story even has a dog in it and I know he has worked with canines before!

6. THE SPELL (1977)

There was many a copycat in the wake of the success of CARRIE but this one offers several unique wrinkles. THE SPELL's vengeful conjuring teen is overweight and not only has a "perfect" sibling but also a hyper critical mother hiding her own powers that she must battle as well. It would be easy as hell to slap this story into a contemporary setting and touch upon current topics of interest like high school bullying and the pressures on teen girls to conform to a certain body type. STEPHEN KING's novel CARRIE features a plump protagonist, since none of the official adaptations of his work has yet had the nerve to feature this element, here's a chance to rectify that slight.

5. THE DEMON MURDER CASE (1983)

History has shown that possession movies, particularly ones based on "true" stories tend to fill theater seats. This tale that takes place in Brookfield, Connecticut where yours truly once resided, is ripe for the picking. Of course you might have some trouble securing rights from the folks who it actually happened to who say it's all a sham but perhaps they could be quelled by a DVD exclusive documentary focusing on their side of the story. All I know is this movie and the corresponding book "The Devil in Connecticut" scared the living crap out of me once upon a time and that some of the details (the demonic old man with hooves and a charred plaid shirt) true or not, still give me the heebie-jeebies.

4. BAD RONALD (1974)

I don't know about you but I can't get enough of BAD RONALD. There's only so much that can be done on television, so here's an opportunity to delve even deeper into the psyche of this intriguing character. How about using HEAVENLY CREATURES as an inspiration and showing on screen, in detail, Ronald's elaborate fantasy world? Nerdy outsider characters seem to be all over the place these days, so how about giving us one who is actually interesting?

3. DON'T GO TO SLEEP (1982)

A little girl comes back from the dead to convince her younger sister to kill the rest of their family. Hey, we need more killer kid movies because nothing is more entertaining! It's fool proof really because if it fails to convince it will still be funny as hell. The story of course will have to be updated with fancier kills. Has the electric pizza cutter been invented yet? This remake will also get extra points if it casts VALERIE HARPER in the role of Grandma and retains the haunting signature closing shot.

2. TRILOGY OF TERROR (1975)

The truth hurts but it must be said, nobody cares about the first two stories in this trilogy. The best idea would be to make this an all-Zuni doll affair and return to RICHARD MATHESON's original story title "PREY." The Zuni fetish doll is a sleeping giant of a horror icon and if Chucky can run for five films and counting, I think little Zuni has the potential to follow suit. By the year 2022, I personally require a Zuni vs. Chucky movie!

1. DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW (1981)

Now this one comes with a genuine, pre-existing fanbase. It hardly matters though because how can you beat that title? What horror fan would ignore such a thing on a marquee? They'd have to be thick! Also, here's a chance to make something specifically for the Halloween season. My advice would be, amp up the atmosphere a couple notches, pour on some extra blood and just sit back and let the story do the rest. How could it not work? Furthermore this classic tale would offer some seriously meaty roles for actors who were up to the challenge. What A-lister in their right mind would pass up the chance to play a mentally challenged person or an unstable mailman? Both roles are Oscar bait! I'm thinking CILLIAN MURPHY as Bubba and MICHAEL CHIKLIS as Otis and maybe KATE JACKSON as Bubba's mom as a nod to THE SCARECOW AND MRS. KING. What? Why are you looking at me funny? It needs to happen yesterday. Jeez, give me 20 million dollars and I'll make it myself!

So that's my ten and I overlooked only a couple hundred. I wouldn't talk T.V. movies without asking T.V. movie gal pal Amanda by Night for her two cents, so for ten more T.V. movies that deserve big screen makeovers jump over to MADE FOR TV MAYHEM and check out Amanda's top ten picks HERE!

The Reef (2010)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

They say sharks need to keep moving in order to survive but sometimes the best way to move forward is by going backwards, breaking things down, simplifying and focusing on the essentials. Shark movies seem to be getting more outrageous and ridiculous with each passing year (thanks Syfy Channel!) but THE REEF defiantly swims against the current campy stream. Directed by one of the fine folks (ANDREW TRAUCKI) responsible for 2007's excellent shock-crock flick BLACK WATER, THE REEF is a streamlined, straightforward jaunt unhindered by the typical needless ornamentation. Much like BLACK WATER, one of the ways THE REEF separates itself from the pack is by refusing to rely on CGI and by utilizing actual real live sharks. The result is hyper authentic and hyper engaging. No computer-generated cartoon can compete with the freaky mug Mother Nature slapped on these deadly fish. Maybe sharks are misunderstood but I think it's okay to be leery of a creature who might chomp all your limbs off and then use your face as a palate cleanser.

The plot is this: Some people are on a boat but then it tips over so they decide to swim for shore but it's really difficult on account of the relentless shark(s?) trying eat them. Suddenly life's usual quandaries seem quaint and very far off in the distance, sort of like the dry land that will prevent them from being din-din. TRAUCKI really has a talent for capturing the beauty along with the danger of the untamed world and he's careful not to shirk on characterization either. We don't know an extensive amount about the victims here but they seem like people amiable enough not to deserve being chewed apart while screaming for help that will never materialize.

It's safe to say that JAWS is in no danger of being dethroned as the ultimate shark movie but THE REEF is more than another also-ran as it truly delivers the suspense. It was certainly not necessary for me to keep my legs on the couch while watching this, but I found myself doing so anyway and that should tell you something. Like much survival horror (OPEN WATER, FROZEN) this tale is bound to work more for those cursed with the unfashionable ability to put themselves in other people's shoes.

TRAUCKI is quoted as saying, "Reality is far more intriguing than fiction" and THE REEF (which is based on a true story) backs his theory nicely. I'm not sure I enjoyed this film as much as I did BLACK WATER but it's gratifying to see a filmmaker taking the subject of man vs. beast (or vs. nature, or vs. shitty luck) seriously.

THE REEF is now available on Netflix Streaming.

Scream of Fear (aka Taste of Fear, 1961)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I don't get it. 1961's SCREAM OF FEAR (TASTE OF FEAR in the UK) was apparently both a critical and commercial hit upon release, so why does it so frequently get overlooked? How is it that this film, still gripping and creeptastic today, is not mentioned alongside the usual classics? I'm serious, I don't get it. It's s-o-o-o-o good. It's the title isn't it? Folks you have to give your movies memorable titles! I can't stress that enough. Just because my advice is half a century too late is no reason not to heed it.

SUSAN STRASBERG is wheelchair bound Penny Appleby. She travels to France to visit her estranged father and get a load of the stepmother she's never met. Once there she is informed that her pop is away on business, which is believable enough until she starts coming across his wide-eyed corpse in every other room in the house. The set up is familiar indeed. Is Peggy a fruitcake or is somebody effing with her head? The large inheritance that hangs in the balance seems to suggest the latter. I guess I'm a mental slowpoke because as much as I thought I knew what was going on, I didn't. This movie has more twists than a…think of something twisty for me….that!

What I find so exceptional about S.O.F. is the fact that even though it is a grounded in reality thriller, it huffs and puffs like a supernatural yarn and is just altogether haunting. The incredible black and white photography is partially to blame but the story itself leaves giant spaces for you to come to your own conclusions at times and you won't be blamed for suspecting something otherworldly is going down. One scene in particular that involves Dad's corpse being spied in a swimming pool is just a blaring punch of full-on horror. That scene should track down the scene from NIGHT OF THE HUNTER with SHELLEY WINTERS at the bottom of a lake and then propose marriage to it. They are the perfect couple because they both flip me out equally.

SCREAM OF FEAR is directed by SETH HOLT (THE NANNY 1965) and written by HAMMER regular JIMMY SANGSTER who deserves to be a household name in the world of horror. (Please just take a moment to gawk at his credits HERE.) STRASBERG is marvelous as brittle screamer Penny; ANN TODD, as the stepmom, is cool as a cucumber where most would have camped it up; RONALD LEWIS is top notch as the ever so helpful chauffer and guess who else shows up? CHRISTOPHER LEE. Man, I love seeing LEE in his earlier roles. Here he plays a French doctor who has the nerve to suggest that Penny's wheelchair routine is all in her head. Yeah, tell that to the horse who fell on her and broke her spine in three places Doc! LEE is in this about as much as he's in HORROR HOTEL (where he played an American) but as per usual, he's all you can look at when he's on screen.

This is a must-see thriller on par with the best and if you are a LEE groupie like I now realize I am or an appreciator of the glory of black and white, double that must-see. I tell you this because if you should happen to have the FEARNET Channel it's on twice today both at noon and at 10 PM. See, I caught it a couple days ago and I saved this review just for today. How do you like that? I've always thinking of you. If you don't have FEARNET you can find SCREAM OF FEAR shamefully hidden in a HAMMER DVD boxset. Why it does not have a special edition of its own, again, I have no frickin' clue. It's exemplary and I'm not just saying that because I love wheelchair movies.