kindertrauma

Category: General Horror

Final Destination 5

Posted on By unkle lancifer

The world does not need another FINAL DESTINATION 5 review but look how it's happening anyway. I'd have reason number one million to hate myself if I neglected to express how impressed I was with it. It's not every day that a horror franchise lives up to its full potential and the accomplishment seems even more miraculous considering this is a fifth installment of a series whose fourth was its worst. I was prepared for a decent enough time but not prepared for one of the most satisfying endings I've ever encountered. Maybe it's best that FD 5 is currently doing lackluster business and making a future installment less likely because a better cap off to the series would be nearly impossible to achieve. I mean it as a compliment when I say stick a fork in it.

I understand that not everybody is a fan and that makes perfect sense. One need only witness a real catastrophe to know they are far from entertaining. As for myself, the Chicken Little, Cassandra complex, there by the grace of God go I, step on a crack and break your mother's back, bad omen paranoia that imbues the series speaks loudly to me. Sure, the films can be easily accused of repetition, the franchise has built its own signature structure it adheres to steadily, but the presence of death in the best installments trumps that of most standard horror fare in that it plays by its own rules and fairness be damned. The fantasy of morality and virtue offering a flashlight through the tunnel is nonexistent. When your number is up, your number is up and to quote my dentist, "It may hurt a little."

FD5's opening suspension bridge disaster is as extravagant and convincing as a bad dream. There are plenty of 3-D naysayers out there, so allow me my soapbox for dissent. I don't know if my eyes are extra responsive due to extensive training from MAGIC EYE books or the intake of a multitude of questionable substances but 3-D works for me big time and when done right it still blows my mind. FD5's director STEPHEN QUALE is fresh off an apprenticeship with JAMES CAMERON and he clearly knows a thing or two about pushing the 3-D limits. I flinched and I may have ducked a tad too. Be that as it may, what makes this addition to the series truly work has little to do with the accomplished special effects. More importantly, I think, is the return to form on the storytelling front and a willingness to leave the door open for real darkness to seep back in.

I should be careful not to oversell, FD5 is refreshingly gratifying and superiorly creative but not so much a masterpiece as simply way better than you'd think. The characters are older and less annoying and seem to have interests outside of being blown up and I was happy to be able to tell them apart from each other. TONY TODD returns as the mysterious coroner and the effect of his creepy presence I wouldn't underestimate. For long time fans of the series, there are dozens of fun nods to the previous films and the delicious ending I mentioned earlier is far more than the standard cheap rug pull. It will have you backtracking through the rest of the film in your head and realizing just how well earned it is. The wheel is not reinvented but it's certainly a pleasure seeing it spinning so smoothly and taking turns you wouldn't anticipate. The series trademark deaths are kicked up a few notches too. In fact one left me seriously disturbed well after the fact. Wow, I can still find myself squeamishly grossed out by witnessing a horrible death. Who knew? Perhaps the best evidence of the film's success is the way I walked home from the theater: cautiously.

Blood Shack (1971)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I have not watched BLOOD SHACK since I was about 15 and the reason for that is because I have always regarded it as the worst film I had ever seen in my life. Remarkably, not even 2009's THE UNBORN could alter that opinion. The other night though while perusing free viewing opportunities on CRACKLE I noticed it there, staring at me like an orphaned injured kitten and I had to see it again. Could it really be as wretched as my brain recalled? After all, my brain usually doesn't know what it's talking about. Well, it turns out it is as bad as my brain said but not nearly as painful. I've either lowered my standards considerably or developed a sense of humor. It's a terrible movie no doubt, but watching it fully prepared for the awfulness makes a big difference. What once filled me with rage now elicits only sympathy. It may be the worst movie ever made but that doesn't mean it's the least entertaining.

BLOOD SHACK is hardly a movie. It's more like a swept together pile of footage. When it first snuck its way into my life, it was wearing a nifty VHS box that made it look like a current eighties slasher flick even though the old coot had been lingering about for more than a decade. Strangely, it seems less dated now than it did back then. For instance, the weird seventies wardrobes which were so alien to my then neon MTV eyes look like standard hipster-wear now. The overall dusty drab feel of the film has benefited with age too. Back then it just read as ratty but now that gritty dustbowl esthetic is pretty much au currant. I hate to admit it but I kind of now dig the near constant horizon line and the off-putting minimalism. Really, the sun flare happy playing field here is not so far off from THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. Of course that movie had an actual story to tell and didn't pad its running time with rodeo footage. Yes, rodeo footage.

So my problem with this film is no longer that it is scrap heap cheap and alarmingly barebones, my issue is with the fact that it is an unstructured blob of random pointlessness. It's pretty clear that there was no script involved and that the director allowed the actors to wing it and wing it poorly. One character wants to buy the shack and that's all he talks about, one character doesn't want to sell the shack and that's all she talks about and one character warns folks to stay away from the shack ad nauseam. The only break from that pattern is provided by a our wispy narrator who sounds like she is breaking out of an eleven-year coma and offers little worthwhile information, unless you felt the need to know that the pony's name at the rodeo was "Peanuts." Truth told Peanuts the pony is the lone convincing presence in the movie and I was happy to see that her or his name found its way into the end credits.(Peanuts' IMDb page HERE.)

The theoretical scares of BLOOD SHACK are provided by "The Chooper" an Indian spirit who protects the title shack with a sword and black pajamas. Chooper tends to yell as if he's stubbed his toe and is partial to flamboyant arm flailing daytime attacks. My horror starved teenage self found "The Chooper" to be unbearably lame but now I see he's pretty hilarious. In the same vein, the movie itself is not the whirlpool of depressive ineptness I once thought; it's actually somewhat lovably maladroit. It made me laugh out loud which is more than I can say for DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS.

BLOOD SHACK was directed by RAY DENNIS STECKLER who has acquired a cult following thanks to B-grade goofs like THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES (who stopped living and became mixed up zombies) but even his most devoted followers can be forgiven for drawing a line in the sand against Chooper's lackadaisical exploits. As lousy as this movie is though, I think STECKLER should be given some credit for stumbling early upon a few elements that would later prove to be highly effective in future better films by other people.

The good news is that I finally after all these years found out what was going on with all that pesky rodeo footage. STECKLER's original cut of the film was only a merciful 60 minutes long and he was required to add ten minutes more to play the film in drive-ins and theaters. I guess I can forgive that. This is a hyper low budget movie that just barely scrambled itself into existence so no harm, no foul. It's terribly done in every possible way but somewhat endearingly so and at least it did not cost millions of dollars to make this mess. (What's your excuse THE UNBORN?).

There's no way I could recommend BLOOD SHACK and realistically expect anyone to ever take my advise again, so I won't but I will say that there are tiny sparkles of pure quaintness to behold amongst the sub par, brain numbing wreckage. It's an annoying fiasco mostly but it doesn't have a cynical bone in its body and now I find I've grown slightly and embarrassingly fond of this crappy movie that I once hated with a passion. I was warned that "The Chooper" would get me and I guess the bastard eventually did. Really, I blame Peanuts.

Official Traumatizer :: Tom Holland

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hey remember when we used to give out "Official Traumatizer" titles to worthy folks? Why'd we ever stop doing that? Was it because nobody cared? That's no reason to stop doing stuff! With the remake of FRIGHT NIGHT right around the corner wouldn't this be a swell time to send some gratitude toward the man responsible for writing and directing the classic original? I'd say so.

PSYCHO II

HOLLAND wrote PSYCHO II and what an incredible accomplishment that is. Personally I can't imagine a better handling of the material and stand even more impressed knowing it was done under what had to be the most cynical of scrutiny. I'd like to strangle QUENTIN TARANTINO for stating that he prefers the second PSYCHO to the first on account of I wanted to say that myself. Sure, HITCH's take is brilliant and genius and a cinematic landmark and all that but PSYCHO II is my idea of the perfect movie. People should rip it off more often. You guys know I love my semi-gothic, creepy-antique-y social reject films and you know that I love the type of movie where somebody may get a butcher knife crammed in the back of their skull till the tip of the blade appears in their gaping pie hole right? Well, you almost never see both of those wonderful elements in the same movie. Yes, a rich psychological character study with satisfying kills is doable. All you "Back Stories Ruin the Horror! " people take a hike. HOLLAND adds many a layer to our understanding of Norman while maintaining apt space for sympathy and fear (or empathy and unease) to collide like gangbusters. Respect is paid toward the original while still moving forward into fresh territory. Good sequels are possible and I present you with this "Exhibit A."

FRIGHT NIGHT

Aw, who doesn't have a soft spot for FRIGHT NIGHT? From wolf toe to burnt-by -crucifix forehead it's all about the love of the genre. HOLLAND probably had the most creative control on this picture, as both writer and director, and the outcome speaks for itself. Exemplary special effects, genuine scares and thrills, comedy that doesn't make you cringe, a notable cast of players and bad guys as intriguing as the good. It's no wonder this movie is so beloved, it's got a rare adventurous spirit, it celebrates its rag tag eccentric's foibles and as frothy fun as its willing to be, it's not afraid to go dark and get its paws messy with real horror and even pathos. Admit it, some of it is rather touching. It's a real shame HOLLAND wasn't required (or pleaded and begged with) to participate in the sequel because FRIGHT NIGHT had the makings of an epic series of films. I know the HOLLAND-less FN:P2 has its supporters but to me, it's quite the pale shadow.

CHILD'S PLAY

If public perception of CHILD'S PLAY is that it is a wacky parody cheesefest of some sort then the public have not watched the original film lately. It's mostly a restrained affair, all things considered, and boy does it know what to show, plus how much to show of it and when. The killer doll storyline is inherently humorous but that doesn't dilute CHILD'S PLAY's ability to hit the nail on the head expressing parental fears about the limits of being able to keep a child from harm and bad influences. From a child's perspective, we're talking Kindertrauma gold here. What child hasn't had the horrific fantasy of their smiling toys coming to life and isn't one of the scariest parts of growing up learning that some people may only pretend to be your friend? Chucky would go on to be a towering figure in the world of horror, but much of that is due to the fact that the first floor of his skyscraping presence is sturdy as hell.

AND THEN SOME…

As if the above three slabs of awesome were not enough, HOLLAND had his hand in two of my favorite trash treasures… CLASS OF 1984 and THE BEAST WITHIN. He wrote the little seen and underloved home invasion flick SCREAM FOR HELP (1984) (which was directed by DEATH WISH's MICHAEL WINNER and is tons of tacky fun), he directed CLOAK & DAGGER which inspired a traumafession HERE and his output includes two above average/serviceable STEPHEN KING adaptations with THINNER and the T.V. miniseries THE LANGOLIERS.

Speaking of television, HOLLAND was behind the classic made-for-T.V. movie THE INITIATION OF SARA, directed THE STRANGER WITHIN (which we received a traumafession for HERE) and has put his stamp on stellar episodes of TALES FROM THE CRYPT, AMAZING STORIES and a very Kindertraumatic killer clown episode of MASTERS OF HORROR entitled "We All Scream For Ice Cream" (review HERE.)

As an actor, TOM HOLLAND is the only person on Earth who can lay claim to performing alongside both INGRID BERGMAN (A WALK IN THE SPRING RAIN) and master thespian VICTOR CROWLEY (HATCHET II). I started this post to spotlight HOLLAND's artistry and position as a true traumatizer, but I have come to realize that he is the CHUCK NORRIS of horror. Dude even got some training from BRUCE LEE and took on THE INCREDIBLE HULK (Okay well, he didn't actually get to fight the green one in the season two episode "Another Path" but almost!) There are careers and then there are careers. He may not be the household name that some of his contemporaries are but one thing is indisputable, TOM HOLLAND has had a hulkian effect on cinema and consequently, the pages of Kindertrauma.

Razorback (1984)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Okay, now I'm all obsessed with RUSSELL MULCAHY's giant pig movie RAZORBACK from 1984. I did catch this one back in the day on cable and I remember being struck by the visuals and left with at least one strong scene trapped in my head, but why has it taken me so long to return to this handsome misfit flick? In my defense, copies don't exactly grow on trees in my neck of the woods but I'm still ashamed of not putting forth a bit more effort. We're talking a killer pig movie from the director of the "Total Eclipse of the Heart" video after all. How is that not going to work for me?

GREGORY HARRISON stars as vanilla urbanite Carl Winters who hits the gritty Aussie outback in search of his missing reporter wife. While in the Land of Oz he encounters obstinate man of the land Jake Cullen (BILL KERR) whose grandson did a similar vanishing act. Locals accuse Jake of the tot's disappearance not believing his account of a tusked boar or "razorback" the size of a rhino snatching the kid away (I thought only dingoes did that!) The two are helped by a beautiful piggy expert (the late ARKIE WHITELEY of THE ROAD WARRIOR) and hindered by two nutzo brothers (CHRIS HAYWOOD & DAVID ARGUE) so twisted they'd feel right at home at the family dinner table from THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE.

I'm not going to lie, not everything is firing on all cylinders in RAZORBACK. Much like the previous year's THE KEEP, the visuals tend to bully if not suffocate the narrative. Unlike THE KEEP though, RAZORBACK provides us with at least enough information to know what's going down. It may not always tell its story in the most coherent way possible but there is never any doubt that we are watching a man vs. beast tale not unlike JAWS or even ALIEN. MULCAHY's effort may not be the smooth running machine those two examples are but give him a break; there are easier tasks in life than constructing and convincingly displaying on film, a monster pig. I don't think the title creature looks that bad myself but the effort to keep the questionably convincing porker under wraps tends to render some of the action overtly obtuse.

Various shortcomings aside, RAZORBACK is gonzo gorgeous nearly all of the time and the decades have only made it more dazzlingly esoteric. MULCAHY has brought along his bag of video tricks: light beams, reflections and flares bounce off of everything but what is really astonishing is how other-worldly he presents his homeland. I swear it looks more like another planet than another continent on multiple occasions. That's never more so the case then when mid-way through the film, Carl's exhaustion leads to hallucinations and we're gifted acid-flashback eye candy, perfectly doused in an IVA DAVIES' (of the Aussie band ICEHOUSE) score. I'd say this film is only a proper DVD/Blu-ray release away from having its cult status explode triple fold.

RAZORBACK was MULCAHY's first theatrical film and although not a financial victory, he, along with cinematographer DEAN SEMLER (THE ROAD WARRIOR), delivered something vibrantly cutting edge and trash chic unique that looks like science fiction, feels like horror and struts like an action-adventure/western. The story loudly argues with the semi-slacking special effects but the overall dynamic look of this batty opus is the ultimate peacekeeper.

Things may have fared better with a leading man who could possibly compete with the surroundings and supporting players but GREGORY HARRISON can at least be said to sufficiently convince us that he's in over his head. One could argue that HAYWOOD & ARGUE as the rat-like brothers Benny & Dicko Baker slyly swipe some of the titular beast's thunder but my personal favorite scene involves the porcine powerhouse dragging off the side of a home, with blasting TV included, away from an in-shock couch potato. That'll do pig!

How To End Things With John Carpenter

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Recently I was expressing my disappointment in the ending of JOHN CARPENTER's THE WARD. My chagrin was inspired not only by the film's not so clever "surprise" revelation but also in the cheapy jump-scare that was to be THE WARD's final note. The more I gnawed the bone in my head the more I realized that I had every reason to find a weak closing from CARPENTER somewhat surprising; the guy has delivered some of the strongest film endings I can think of. In an effort to help me process my disgruntlement, let's say we take a look at a handful of my favorites. Please don't make me tell you there will be spoilers.

HALLOWEEN (1978)

"The Shape" is shot several times and falls off a second story balcony. Laurie Strode is all, "It was the Bogeyman?" and Loomis is all, "Yep." His confirmation is made all the more convincing when he looks to see where the maniac has landed and notices only a blank space where there should rightly be a dead bogeyman. Yikes! But this is not even the good part! CARPENTER, because he is so brilliant, takes us on a little tour of everyplace we've been that night. It's as if he's going to show us where Myers is hiding but he doesn't. We see the homes that moments ago were filled with horror standing quietly. We check out the living room where Laurie battled for her life and it looks like an empty stage. We hear Myers breathing and it's as if he has become a part of everything. To me, it's not so much the mystique of Myers that rattles the nerves but the way CARPENTER injects him into the once mundane settings. He expertly desecrates the everyday with darkness and brings evil (as the tagline warns) home. At the end of HALLOWEEN, "The Shape" whether you can visibly see him or not is everywhere.

THE FOG (1980)

Oh good, that betrayed leper ghost Blake has gotten his precious gold back and now everything is settled. Hold a grudge much? Now the scenic town of Antonio Bay can get back to normal. Hmmm, those ghosts kept saying they wanted to kill six people but I guess not. Looks like five people and a gold cross will suffice. At the end of THE FOG Father Malone (HAL HOLBROOK), rather than thanking his lucky stars and skipping town, decides to hang around church wondering aloud about why his life was spared. Blake and company are only too happy to quell his curiosity by backing their haunted boat up and tying up loose ends by decapitating his head. I think I can sum up THE FOG's ending by labeling it the coolest thing that I have ever seen in my life. CARPENTER gives us a worrying heads up then diverts our attention one way and then slams us from another. We're not even granted a moment to focus on Blake as he pulls back for the final blow. As his sword connects with Malone it lops off our view too. The screen turns black, we hear the squishy cut and then as if the saber had sliced through a pop tent during a storm, CARPENTER's rainfall score begins to pour down all over the closing credits. The timing is clockwork-precise and it's one flipping fantastic curtain drop.

THE THING (1982)

MacReady (KURT RUSSELL)'s feelings toward the slippery amorphous space visitor in THE THING are made abundantly clear when he says, "Yea, fuck you too!" and chucks a lit stick of dynamite in its direction. The shape-shifting creature is not an easy critter to dispose of and since its escape will mean the global annihilation of mankind, blowing up the entirety of Outpost 31 and hoping for the best is not a bad way to go. As the camp burns, Mac discovers another survivor in Childs (KEITH DAVID). Neither man can completely trust that the other is not hosting the entity and so they share a quiet suspicion-filled stand off. Take special note of this ending because the likelihood that you ever encounter something like it again in a studio picture is minimal. Rather than hand the audience a cathartic pacifier jump scare to send them on their satiated way, CARPENTER insists that viewers be kept in a state of unknowing just like the characters on screen. Over the years fans have sought concrete confirmations of the stalemate's eventual outcome. Is the bottle that Mac hands Childs contaminated? How come you can't see Child's breath in the cold? There is no answer and the paranoia of not being able to identify friend or foe is exactly what this film is concerned with underneath the goop and lobster legs. There lies the true horror, none of us can ever fully know one another; does it get any colder than that?

PRINCE OF DARKNESS (1987)

There's no question about whether the end of PRINCE OF DARKNESS left a mark, Kindertrauma has received enough traumafessions and "Name That Traumas!" about this movie's final moments to state, without a doubt, that it has. I can even tell you first hand that my little brother was treated to disturbing nightmares inspired by this film's close. There is something spectacularly eerie about it and it certainly brings new meaning to the phrase "ahead of its time." Last we saw Catherine Danforth (LISA BLOUNT) she was doing mankind a solid and jumping into a mirror/dimensional doorway in order to keep the devil at bay. Throughout the film characters have been receiving static filled shaky-cam dream transmissions from the future warning of cataclysmic events including, but not limited to, the rise of an anti-God. The dreams alter subtly each time they occur but they always show a dark figure emerging from a church and they always look like a fifth generation bootleg. The film ends with one last exposure to the dream and now we find that Catherine has replaced the demonoid figure in the future. We're in the "open to interpetation" zone here but one thing that's set in stone is the alarming power of the hard to pin down visual and the ominous voice and message that accompanies it. The transmission's repeated insistence that what we are seeing is real begins to have an effect and, at some point, it becomes somewhat hard to distinguish if the communication is trying to break through a dream within the film or the film itself. Seriously haunting.

IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS (1994)

We know that John Trent's (SAM NEIL) investigation into the disappearance of horror novelist Sutter Cane did not end well because he fills us in on his experiences from a padded room in an insane asylum. I suppose that spending time in a fictional town that shouldn't exist fighting off ancient dimension-stomping beasties straight out of LOVECRAFT would leave anyone feeling twitchy. How do you top the horror of discovering that the line between fiction and reality is one big joke? How about learning the punchline is you. Trent's stint in the loony bin is cut short by the technicality of the world falling to ruin. He stumbles down debris-strewn streets that lead him to a movie theater. Now playing is IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS starring himself and directed by JOHN CARPENTER. He watches what we have watched. He laughs, he cries, he goes insane.

This might be a good place for me to end things myself. IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS sums up nicely what the best JOHN CARPENTER films do. Whether he is placing the mask on our faces in HALLOWEEN; opening THE FOG with a POE quote asking, "Is all that we see or seem but a dream within a dream?"; leaving us with the same dilemma as Mac and Child's in THE THING; invading our nightmares with THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS; or simply suggesting, as he does with IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS, that reality is fast becoming fiction and vice versa, good CARPENTER tends to blur the line between onscreen and off and assimilate the viewer into the proceedings.

Perhaps the strongest thing about CARPENTER's most brilliant film endings is the implication that there is no ending. The deep vastness and over abundance of darkness in his premium work insures that every viewer receives a Tupperware container of angst to take home. Go ahead and try to lull yourself to sleep repeating, "It's only a movie, it's only a movie." The jig is up, CARPENTER knows that we know that it's not.

Streaming Alert:: Deadly Blessing (1981)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I gotta thank good ol' Mickster for sending me over to Hulu the other day because I wasn't there more than a couple minutes before I bumped into DEADLY BLESSING (1981). Why does DEADLY BLESSING think that it can hide from me when it can't? It looks pretty good as far as the picture goes, less grainy than my rusty VHS but it needs some work done for sure. The fact that it's horribly cropped is made apparent during the opening credits as every other name that appears has portions lopped off. Poor DEADLY BLESSING has never found its way onto DVD somehow (at least not in my neck of the woods.) You'd think a movie directed by WES CRAVEN would garner a little more interest and respect. It's not his best work of course but it's far from his worst. If you look really closely, I think you can see little idea seedlings that will come into fruition on Elm Street.

Luscious MAREN JENSEN (of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA fame) is Martha Schmidt. She and her hubby Jim (DOUG BARR of the often seen by me THE UNSEEN) are enjoying the country life and expecting their first child. The fly in their buttermilk is Jim's estranged family members who do not approve of the marriage, wear creepy hats and chatter about demons and damnation all day. They look like the Amish but are called "Hittites" and I refuse to judge them because they revere ERNEST BORGNINE and are apposed to the wearing of short pants just like me. One day Jim dies in a mysterious tractor accident and Martha can only be cheered out of her mourning by the likes of SHARON STONE (of the legendary classic thriller SCISSORS) and SUSAN BUCKNER (who played Patty Simcox in GREASE.) Things get scary when MICHAEL BERRYMAN starts snooping about and people start swallowing spiders in their dreams, taking baths with snakes and receiving unsolicited egg deliveries from LISA HARTMAN (of the smash hit BEWITCHED spin-off TABITHA).

DEADLY BLESSING is loopy, semi-spooky fun albeit a little overstuffed. For a horror film released in 1981, it certainly marches to it own drummer (that reminds me, the nifty score comes care of JAMES HORNER the dude who did HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP, ALIENS & SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES.) The story may not hold up to much close scrutiny but somehow the near constant shifts in direction and focus work in its favor. The setting allows for some rich atmosphere and you can tell CRAVEN had some fun playing around with the expansive openness of the location. In fact, I'd say there's almost always eye candy on this table, whether it be the easy to look at cast, the rife with personality homestead or the weird off kilter paintings provided by HARTMAN's engagingly oddball character.

Maybe I'm just a sucker for a movie that mixes slasher elements with a heavy occult vibe and you can just take out the "maybe" I started this sentence with. Not that it matters much, but I'm also madly in love with the poster art for DEADLY BLESSING. It's just really cool and that's coming from somebody with a generally indifferent attitude toward boobage.

Many feel, WES CRAVEN included, that DEADLY BLESSING's tacked-on, producer-insisted ending betrays the film but I strangely don't mind it at all. It's just one more crazy wrinkle in a film full of many, so it hardly breaks the tone. Blaming the ending scene for making this movie bonkers is like having a heard of bulls trash your china shop and only getting mad at the last one out the door as they leave. I say that as a fan. I am soooo biased when it comes to this picture because I saw it at a certain age and it was one of the early R-rated horrors I caught in the theater. I still remember my wonderment and how mysterious and forbidden it all felt. It seemed that anybody in this movie could be murdered or take a bath wearing their underwear at any moment. This is a message movie really and the message is, "Look out for the incubus!" It is a message that is heartbreakingly still relevant today. I still don't understand my attraction fully. I still don't understand a lot of things, but I do understand that you can watch it for free HERE.

John Carpenter's The Ward

Posted on By unkle lancifer

It's safe to say that JOHN CARPENTER is my favorite director of all time. I may have been more fascinated by CRONENBERG for a wee while, but that was only during my artsy phase. CARPENTER has made the majority of my favorite films and I have returned to and watched his movies over again a zillion times. So really, I came to this conclusion using simple math. I admit I was a bit cautious approaching his latest, THE WARD but considering I count myself among the few who appreciated GHOSTS OF MARS, I figured my chances of being outraged enough to throw a trash can through a pizza shop window were slim. I wasn't expecting a tour de force, just a competent work with a few adornments that high-fived his previous films. So what if he lost some zing and vitality? I wasn't feeling too hot myself. In other words, my expectations were not too high or too low. I've already gotten so much from this filmmaker that demanding much more felt like being an ungracious turd.

No need for plot details, it's basically GIRL INTERRUPTED…BY A GHOST! Most of the film runs smooth as silk and desperation free. It looks crispy clean in general and J.C.'s lovely signature is present and clearly legible. The atmosphere is not especially strong for ghostly subject matter but select moments hit the right uncanny nerve. The man has an eye and that eye still impresses; there's a bounty of wonderful shots all filled with his exquisite affection for lines and angles. I will assume that the film would have benefited some from a score by CARPENTER himself but a CARPENTER-approved score will have to suffice. (Did I hear a nod toward SUSPIRIA?)

I also really dig the cast, AMBER HEARD is all types of engaging, both beautiful and convincingly staunch. MAMIE GUMMER, as a quirky inmate, reminds me of a young MERYL STREEP and that I'm blaming on her mom, MERYL STREEP. JARED HARRIS is outstanding as a Loomis-y shrink leaning on nuts himself. I'd love to see him become a recurring CARPENTER player as PLEASENCE and ATKINS have done before him. I think this is a fantastic movie up to a point…

The problem is the script and more precisely, the end of the script. The film follows familiar paths and that is fine and dandy but then all the sudden it tramps things up big time with a highly irritating, borderline excruciating twist. I had such a good time with the HALLOWEEN II-ish setting, the FOG-zombie ghost, THE THING-esque group dynamics and CARPENTER's overall swoopy snug as a straightjacket style that I thought I could forgive the insulting "reveal" but then something worse happened, something that I'm still trying to reconcile.

The film ends with (and you can't spoil the already rotten) a goddamn medicine cabinet scare! Have you ever gone on a perfect date and then at the end of the evening the so and so bends to kiss you and their breath smells like roadkill? It's not a good way to leave things. I can't be too hard on a movie that is mostly good. I suppose if it was released twenty years ago, it would have curled my toes and buttered my English muffin. The good news is that CARPENTER still has the serious chops and honestly I'll take this movie before many a recent offering from some of his peers. Now, somebody please get this poor guy a script with an ending that doesn't make me sneeze. I'm allergic to mold!

The Dark (1979)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

1979's THE DARK is notoriously terrible and I guess it has a right to be. At some point midway through production the producers (one of whom was DICK CLARK) decided that the film's central Earthly menace might attract science fiction fans if it came instead from outer space. I wish I could jump in a time machine and stop them. It's not a good idea. You can't shift gears like that. These things need to be decided before the filming starts! I know WOODY ALLEN completely overhauled ANNIE HALL from his original concept but he did not have DIANE KEATON shooting lasers beams out of her eyeballs and bookend the movie with a rambling narration that basically shrugs its shoulders and says, "I don't know what's going on either." THE DARK really didn't have a fair shot because of said tampering; most everything you learn in the first half is negated or contradicted by the second. It's not completely without interest though, a few scenes do work nicely and even though it's chock full of nonsense, its biggest sin is not that it is crazy, its biggest sin is that it is often blindly milling about and
verging on boring.

What's left of the plot concerns a "mangler" who beheads anyone foolish enough to walk alone at night in the streets of LA. In fact he kills one person each and every night, which is somehow established night two. CASEY KASEM shows up to imply that the killer is some sort of zombie but as that was part of the original discarded plot I don't think we should listen to Shaggy. WILLIAM DEVANE's daughter (played by KIM & KYLE RICHARDS' sis KATHY) was the killer's first victim so he's teamed up with plucky, but not plucky enough, newscaster CATHY LEE CROSBY to get to the bottom of things. The excessively random cast brings a great deal to the wobbly table. KEENAN WYNN is hilarious as CROSBY's boss, RICHARD JAEKEL is equally so as a grisled cop and same goes double or triple for VIVIAN BLAINE as a kooky psychic. Cameos include the likes of a young PHILIP MICHAEL THOMAS as a guy named "Corn Rows." When it's in motion THE DARK is lovably bonkers in a similar vein to THE MANITOU or THE VISITOR but when it's stagnant, it's dishwater dull. It actually looks pretty amazing in all of its Panavision glory on DVD but there's no escaping the frustrating, unfocused, half-hearted pace.

Most semi-rational adults will point the blame solely on THE DARK's preposterous monster (Who is proceeded by whispered chants of "The dark, the dark!") but frankly I kinda like the guy. He gets at least one exceptional decapitation under his belt and even the dumb laser eyes can't hide the fact that he enlivens the proceedings whenever he appears. I can't explain his gargantuan hobo wardrobe but I love how he smashes through walls and throws people around. If he was just allowed to be a mutant, I think he could have gone places. If you stick around for the film's end you will rewarded with the wondrous sight of the creature taking out a bunch of cops in a ludicrous fashion but will undoubtedly be disappointed in the puff of smoke lame way he is conquered.

Bad movie fans will find a smorgasbord of seventies flavored insanity to chew on but those who don't suffer fools easily should wait for the next train. In any case, I believe there are lessons to be learned here. Don't second guess yourself and don't bend your vision for the fads of the day. Every monster deserves a chance to live up to his full potential and what's so bad about being from Earth anyway? I should add for those concerned that THE DARK's director JOHN ‘BUD' CARDOS (who replaced TOBE HOOPER who was ironically dropped for being too slow) has at least one worthwhile contribution to the world of horror on his resume as he previously helmed the equally nutso but at least never draggy kinderfave KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS.

Dear Dead Delilah (1972)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I swear to God I'm not purposely trying to be the most unhip horror fan in the universe. Baby I was born this way. I've already stated my affection for crusty mansions, blood-stained doilies and cracked doll heads and now I must salute the incredible joy that is Southern-fried sud-goth. 1972's DEAR DEAD DELILAH is like a soap opera with axe murders rather than commercials and it's my favorite thing I've seen since the last favorite thing I've seen. Some people think it's boring and those people have no idea what they are talking about. Really, I'm beginning to think that "It's boring" is code for "There's dialogue." How can anyone not enjoy this movie?

Like all great stories, we begin in the past. In this case, we meet Little Luddy who is opposing her mother and preparing for an unapproved of date. She explains her actions to her mom who does not respond, not because she doesn't care but because she is chopped up with an axe. Years later an older, artsy Luddy (PATRICIA CARMICHAEL) is released from prison. She has nowhere to go but thanks to a fortuitous event (being hit in the head by a football!), she soon finds herself nursed back to heath and gainfully employed in a Tennessee mansion. The homestead is overseen by dying matriarch Deliah (AGNES MOOREHEAD) who has gathered her family together to divvy up the inheritance. Chaos, angry words and ultimately many an axe murder are the result when Delilah informs the congregated that the family fortune is hidden in the house and it's finder's keepers.

This being MOOREHEAD's final film appearance, I was fully prepared for the phone-in routine. Oh, me of little faith. AGNES is as sharp as ever and devours every line with acidic relish and her southern accent adds an extra bite to her performance. Her mere presence is enough to satisfy but someone up there must like me because she is not only there but she is also there in a motorized wheelchair! There is one scene where Delilah wheels her chair into a mausoleum and then, after a momentary scream, the chair comes whizzing out by itself and that is when my couch officially turned into cloud nine. Sure, the plot and execution of D.D.D. dips into veritable camp at times but the shear darkness of its humor is too aggressive to dismiss. Just because the film is having some fun doesn't mean it doesn't take its horror seriously.

DEAR DEAD DELILAH was written by author JOHN FARRIS the mind behind THE FURY and it's sadly the only film he ever directed. At times it has the cardboard drive-in vibe of S.F. BROWNRIGG (DON'T GO IN THE BASEMENT, DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!) but its flashes of dreamy surrealism, and taste for broad soap opera theatrics also brings DAVID LYNCH to mind. It is a bit rough around the edges (me likey) but it truly accomplishes some striking moments of eerie weirdness. Best of all, the various deaths of the conniving family members are as strong as anything in BAY OF BLOOD or FRIDAY THE 13TH. My life was a little bit more complete seeing Grandpa Walton (WILL GREER) stumble out of a smoke house carrying one hacked off hand in the other. I feel I was always meant to see that.

Like BLOOD AND LACE (1971) and MANSION OF THE DOOMED (1976) both of which I just discovered recently, I think D.D.D. is a sorely undervalued film. Why, even my trusted Encyclopedia of Horror is a naysayer! I even read one review that called it "typical." C'mon, can you really use a word like "typical" to describe a movie that exhibits decapitations via horseback, a forced heroin overdose, unexplained random optical effects and an axe blade used for foreplay? I guess the inheritance gimmick is passé but that's just a springboard. Truth told, I would have liked to have gotten to know Luddy a little better but the fact that she's such a unique proto-final girl is ultimately enough for me. I couldn't help but dig that her post incarceration experiences resemble those of dear Norman Bates in PSYCHO II. Anyway, don't get fooled by the consensus and haters to the left, if you're like me, a fuddy duddy who likes it bloody, give this often sneaky and slightly creaky crazy train a ride.

Streaming Alert! :: Silent Scream (1980)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I don't know if any one movie can satisfy all of my horror needs. Sometimes I want scares, sometimes I want gore and sometimes I just desire a moderately creepy old dark house flick. 1980's SILENT SCREAM falls into that last category, it won't satiate anybody's desire for bloodshed but its slinking, reluctant pace, haunting imagery and exceptional use of locale make it go-to horror comfort food for yours truly. I'd probably love it a little bit more if somebody's head was chopped off but you can't have everything. SILENT SCREAM is like the last gasp of traditional old school horror right before the great age of slashers really got under way. You can almost sense the genre as a whole transforming before your eyes, kicking off classic cobwebs and lunging for the sharpest butcher knife in the drawer.

REBECCA "BOOGENS bait" BALDING plays Scotty Parker (add that name to the gender-neutral "final girl" moniker list) a gal with a Twiki meets Tootie mushroom-do who is looking for college lodging. Lucky for me she selects the most foreboding place she can find overlooking the sea and moves right in. As if the house were not off putting enough, her landlady is YVONNE DeCARLO who is the mother of a blatantly nerdy (i.e. potential psycho) son. Scotty is joined by some other young room renters including a potential beau, a brassy gal pal and a wealthy douche, all of who appear put on this planet in order to die before she. To all my friends out there hiding horrible family secrets within their home, please take my simple advice and never rent rooms to anybody. I don't care how much you need the money; it's just not worth the risk!

Now I'm going to give away a major plot point because it is also a major selling point as well! Do not read further if you have not had time in the past thirty years to watch this movie! The big secret in the creaky old spooky house is that mom and son are hiding someone special in the walls and that mystery guest is the one and only BARBARA STEELE! For me, this is the best news ever! I can't think of anybody I'd rather find hiding in my house except CHRISTINA RICCI or maybe MORRISSEY! This is when the movie gets really good because BABS plays a tragic, lost-in-time figure and those are my peeps! I think it's nifty that she's just as much a fly caught in amber as the film itself! Who cares if she is a murderer? She has the most beautiful eyes. I love this character because she plays the same song over and over again on a red record player and has placed an old picture of herself in her mirror so that she doesn't have to worry about aging. I think that's a fine idea. Her situation is very sad and I'm so jealous!

One of the reasons I really dug TI WEST's HOUSE OF THE DEVIL is because it so reminded me of SILENT SCREAM. Both movies have a nearly identical structure and a "keep your shirt on" pace. Maybe some viewers have something better to do, I sure as hell don't. I guess my biggest complaint about SILENT is that there is a slightly snorey side story which involves the police investigation and that is something I don't care about even if the officers are THE TOOLBOX MURDER's CAMERON MITCHELL and Dorito dude AVERY SCHRIEBER. It's a small price to pay for the good stuff though.

Believe it or not SILENT SCREAM was a big hit back in its day landing just in time to reap the post HALLOWEEN benefits. I did not encounter it myself until the mid nineties when it jumped out at me at a used video shop. I wasn't expecting much but I thoroughly enjoyed it as a potent punch of nostalgia and a semi-soothing mood piece with a couple good chills. Part of the reason may be personal; my first year of college I rented a room in a big old house on the coast of Massachusetts and it really brings back strong memories for me. I never witnessed any gruesome murders but I did find a giant rat staring back at me from my closet. Who can say which is worse?

NOTE: SILENT SCREAM was filmed in a joint called "The Smith Estate" in Los Angeles. Strangely enough it is the exact same beautiful Victorian home you'll find in 1964's SPIDER BABY (also available on Netflix streaming.) Stranger still, the two movies share almost the exact same shot of a character climbing up the front stairs, knocking on the front door and then checking out the window to the left! Wha!? ( I have not been this excited since I found out that Garth Manor from HELL NIGHT is the same pad as the mansion from FLEETWOOD MAC's "Big Love" video!) It doesn't look like much has changed at the Smith Estate between 1964 and 1980 (SILENT actually began filming in 1977!), it's almost as if time has stood still. How appropriate is that?