UNK SEZ:: Today's funhouse is special because it also serves as my ten picks for the perfect Halloween movie marathon! I should tell ya up front though, I did NOT include the actual HALLOWEEN series or the ROB ZOMBIE re-duo because you should already know to watch those! Anyhows get started and you shall end up with a super deluxe, Unk-approved Halloween viewing schedule!
It's that time of year again when I usually jump on a soapbox and plead with the civilized world for the banning of Mary Jane candy. Since all of my previous efforts to rid the Mary Jane scourge from trick or treat bags across the land have gone widely ignored thus far, I have chosen to take a different, more dignified path.
My imaginary friend Cloister, the three-eyed donkey often says, "Why be a negative Nellie when you can be a positive swellie?" Now, I usually don't listen to Cloister because Cloister also says things like, "Take the money!" "Put your hand in the fire!" and "Push Aunt John off the step stool!" but this time I think Cloister has a point. Instead of talking about the Halloween candy I hate why not talk about the candy I love?
Because C3-PO would be intolerable without R2-D2 I elicited the help of the legendary and by all accounts very real Kinderpal Mickster (Check out Mickster in Halloween garb HERE!) to aid in my venture into the world of not bitching about the grossest candy ever made, the Mary Jane. Both Mickster and I both thought long and hard and picked our favorite five Halloween candies. Below you'll find our choices and please keep them in mind when selecting what to distribute from you door this Halloween. Yo, Mickster, you're up first!
MICKSTER'S CANDY TOP FIVE
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups: Hey, you got your chocolate in my peanut butter…you got your peanut butter in my chocolate…two great tastes that taste great together! The orange packaging of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups makes me feel all warm and Halloweenie inside!
Candy corn: Whenever I see the yellow, orange, and white of candy corn, I automatically think of Halloween. Mmm-yummy sugar goodness!
Caramel Apples: Delicious and sticky caramel apples remind me of the Halloween Carnival at my elementary school. I looked forward to that carnival every year! Unfortunately, it is now called a "Fall Festival." I say boo and hiss to that! I would never accept a caramel apple trick-r-treating because of the trauma of seeing that kid's tongue in HALLOWEEN II.
Fun-sized candy bars: Fun-sized Snickers are simply fantastic! However, I am cautious if a hippie offers me one because of the warning given by Harris on the Tricks and Treats episode of FREAKS AND GEEKS. He warned Sam, Neil, and Bill that evil hippies were replacing fun-sized candy with chocolate-covered poop! Grody to the max!
Tootsie Pops: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop? I'll never know because like Mr. Owl from the classic commercial, I cannot resist crunching after lick number three!
UNK'S CANDY TOP FIVE
Lemon Heads: I've always related to Ferrara Pan's Lemon head candies. Like me, they are cheap as hell. Plus, I know I have a giant head even though most people avert their eyes and are polite about it. It's O.K., I've accepted it, we can't all be CHRISTOPHER GEORGE. I was once upon a time also a fan of Cherry Clan candies too but those dudes had to go away because one day everybody realized that they were racist.
Kit Kat bars: I probably sound like a commie pinko that you would like to burn at the stake but my opinion is that chocolate is no big thing. I don't hate it or anything; I just don't understand the crazy, Pavlovian response it usually gets from people. What's the big deal? It is rare or something? The stuff is everywhere. I would think coconut would be more of a delicacy because you have to scrape it out of that hairy shell. Anyway, I cannot fault the Kit Kat bar as it transcends chocolate's usual limitations with the help of that crispy wafer thing shoved inside it.
Smarties: These seem kind of like a rip off and sort of taste like chalk but they never fail to remind me of Halloween. Also, a little known fact is that they actually do make you smarter if you eat enough of them.
Sour Patch Kids: I blame all the suffering in my youth from the fact that Sour Patch Kids were not invented yet.
Bottle Caps: Bottle Caps are delicious like nobody's frickin' business and they taste fuzzy. Word on the street is that even people who hate root beer flavor candy enjoy root beer flavored Bottle Caps. These days it seems like they are only around during Halloween and can only be found in Willy Wonka assortment bags. I miss the classic squashed head packaging myself but I'll take them anyway I can!
Now it's your turn! Speak now or forever hold your peace. What is your Halloween Candy Top Five? Let us know what you like so that we'll be sure to hand it out this Halloween!
Hey Kindertrauma, this is Adam N. wanting to share a creepy memory from the bygone days of the late ‘70s.
Someone in my family (definitely not my Mom or Dad – likely a crazy AUNT!) bought my siblings and me a horror sound effects record that we listened to with abandon. This was likely around 1977-78, when I'd have been 7 or 8 years old, the oldest of the rugrats. We'd turn all the lights off, put a sheet over the dining room table, pile underneath and listen to this intensely creepy record.
Here's where my memory and reality might diverge. See, I remember this record being not a collection of sound effects strung together semi-randomly but long SOUNDSCAPES that, through only sounds and no dialog, really told simple, ultra creepy journeys through horror. The one I can almost still hear was called (something like) "The Haunted House."
You heard footsteps on a sidewalk, wind in the trees, then a shutter banging on a house in the near distance. Footsteps continue. A gate creaks open, and the sound of footsteps on old wooden stairs. Door opening with a deafening creak, then BANG! It's shut and the wind is gone.
I remember this tinkling sound, like wind through broken glass and maybe the sound of a GHOSTLY CHILD crying. It went on, the listener following these footsteps through this haunted house until it ended with – I dunno, must have been shrieks of terror or something. I can't remember.
In the past few days I've been searching for it, and thought I found it – an A&M record from 1977 called "Halloween Horrors" but when I listened to it on Amazon, it didn't seem right.
I would love to listen to it again to see if this horrific audio triptych still holds up!
I'm beside myself with enthusiasm for the 1974 supernatural zombie blaxploitation flick SUGAR HILL. My life before viewing it now seems to be, in retrospect, a sham. One time STARSKY AND HUTCH regular MARKI BEY is both ice cool and fiery fierce as Diana "Sugar" Hill, a woman scorned and reborn as a voodoo vigilante in a killer pantsuit. When Sugar's best beau refuses to sell his groovy nightclub "Club Haiti" to the mob he ends up beaten to death by goons in his own parking lot. Outnumbered and determined to even the score (and then some) Sugar gets by with a little help from her new friends; a geriatric voodoo virtuoso, a top hat wearing, trickster phantom and plenty of silver eyed-cobweb cloaked zombies. No difficulty knowing whom to root for here.
So I guess I thought I was going to enjoy SUGAR as an ironic hoot. I thought I'd bask in its hokiness, take in its eyeball busting fashions and smirk at the corn. Instead I found myself absolutely and fully entertained on every level. It does have a makeshift low budget air and the clothes and acting styles are of a different dimension but that doesn't curtail the movie from being a hundred percent engaging. The plot doesn't involve much more than following Sugar around on her EC COMICS inspired revenge spree but SUGAR has got atmosphere and attitude up the wazoo. Foggy, swampy and colorful, it also contributes a refreshingly original take on the living dead. Let's take a closer look at why I'm all bitten and smitten…
DIANE "SUGAR" HILL
MARKI BEY may lack the overall gravitas of icon PAM GREER but in many ways she's more down to Earth approachable too. Once Sugar gets rolling she's an unflinching comeuppance machine and she delivers her BUFFY-esgue pre-stomping quips like a seasoned pro. When asked how strong her hate is Sugar says, "As strong as my love was, my hate is even stronger." That's my type of woman!
MOMMA MAITRESSE
I have a real issue with actress ZARA CULLY and that issue is that I think she is the funniest person who ever lived. Yes, that's mother Jefferson from THE JEFFERSONS and I could not be happier to see her.
Maitreese is a bit reluctant to get her voodoo on initially but as soon as she sees the results of her mojo, she's all ear to ear smiles (as well she should be). The zombie awakening scene in SUGAR HILL is a showstopper and brings to mind both CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS and MICHAEL JACKSON's THRILLER.
BARON SAMEDI
DON PEDRO CULLY's turn as the fantastically frocked God of the dead "Samedi" is a twisted treat and a half. Samedi appears at will, in many a guise and is a master of lascivious mischievousness. Imagine Candyman and Freddy Kruegar combined under one top hat and then wonder forever why SUGAR remains without a sequel.
VALENTINE
Just because Sugar's main squeeze is recently departed doesn't mean she doesn't have time for romance. RICHARD LAWSON appears as Sugar's old flame "Valentine" who suspects foul play but can't possibly imagine the "fowl" play reality of an animated voodoo killer chicken claw. If LAWSON looks familiar to all you horror fans out there, you might recall him donning a striped sweater in the classic POLTERGEIST.
MORGAN
If you're looking for a big baddie with some full-fledged horror cred, how can go wrong with ROBERT QUARRY? QUARRY's resume includes COUNT YORGA, VAMPIRE and THE RETURN OF COUNT YORGA plus he starred in both DOCTOR PHIBES RISES AGAIN and MADHOUSE with VINCENT PRICE! Like all good revenge flicks SUGAR saves Morgan's demise for last and squeezes as much satisfaction out of it as possible.
ZOMBIES
Oh, how I love the zombies in this movie. They're less the decrepit rotty kind you'd find in a ROMERO movie and more the pissed off phantasmal kind like you'll find in CARPENTER's THE FOG. Their eyeballs look like silver ping-pong balls sliced in half and they come covered in cobwebs and accessorized with shackles and machetes. These guys are somehow both silly and strangely scary and I will never not like that combo.
THEME SONG
If I had my way it would be mandatory for every horror movie to have a theme song. SUGAR HILL has a doozy in THE ORIGINAL's SUPERNATURAL VOODOO WOMAN! What a great way to instantly get in the mood!
IN CLOSING
What more encouragement do you need to visit SUGAR HILL? Although hard to track down on DVD, SUGAR is currently available on NETFLIX streaming. This is ghoulish fun that packs a punch while retaining a gleefully morbid sense of humor. It's perfect for the Halloween season and fans of CREEPSHOW and TALES FROM THE CRYPT should be doubly pleased with just how sweet SUGAR's vengeance can be.
