Category: Halloween

AUNTIE SEZ: Kids, your Unkle Lancifer and I are off today (we're still trying to track down discount Halloween candy), so please clang your juice boxes together and give a warm Kindertrauma welcome to frequent commenter Professor Von Whiskerson who is going to take us back to a gentler time when that plucky PAMELA SUE MARTIN solved mysteries and stubby singer-songwriters dominated popular culture!

This episode of HARDY BOYS/NANCY DREW MYSTERIES is a two-parter and despite the title, it is NOT a Halloween episode. It is perfect for Halloween, though, complete with a Count, creepy castles, dungeons, costume parties and musical little people.

In this episode, Frank (the good looking Hardy boy), Joe (the Hardy Boy everyone pretends is a good singer), and Nancy Drew (who is better looking than even Frank and non-singing) journey to Vlad Dracula's castle in Transylvania to find the boy's missing father. There is a convenient "rock festival" being held at the castle by PAUL WILLIAMS which gives both he and Joe and excuse to sing (separately and in a duet). Yes, THAT PAUL WILLIAMS. He was all over the place back in the '70s, so I'm surprised it took him until the second season to show up. More on that later. Also guest starring in this episode are LORNE GREENE and BERNIE TAUPIN.

The story starts out with the boys dad, Fenton Hardy, arriving at Castle Dracula to investigate a string of art thefts occurring throughout Europe. Wait. Let's rewind a second. The story ACTUALLY starts out with a long shot of the castle, silhouetted against the night sky and the howl of a distant wolf. Remember the sound of that wolf. You will hear it about 10 million times during the next 90 minutes. I expect you to down a shot of your favorite hard liquor every time you hear it.

Not long after Mr. Hardy starts creeping around the castle, you (the viewer, in case you forgot) see that he is not alone. There is also a pair of jackboots that follow and capture him. Remember these boots. If you are brave, or have an especially high tolerance to booze, you will want to incorporate them into the drinking game as well.

Frank and Joe arrive in Eastern Europe to search for their father, who they haven't heard from in several weeks. The first person they meet is Inspector Hans Stavlin, of the Romanian police. Inspector Stavlin is played by none other than Canadian Battlestar Commander LORNE GREENE. Stavlin was working with Mr. Hardy on the art theft ring investigation. Since this is the boy's show and they can't be shown up by some commie thug, they discover evidence overlooked by Stavlin.

This evidence takes them first to Munich in a bus driven by Elton John's songwriter, BERNIE TAUPIN. The cover of being a member of TAUPIN 's band is just what the Boys need to trace their father without raising any suspicions. Unfortunately this bus trip is complete with a sing-along of the BEATLE's "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da," a song I truly despise. It's not any better when sung by SHAUN CASSIDY and BERNIE TAUPIN. I really hate that song. I think it's the "oh blah dees" and "oh blah dahs" that I really hate. That and the association with the eponymous T.V. series…but I digress…again…

In Munich there is some mistaken identity involving a hotel bellman, who is probably a Nazi wanted for war crimes, by the Boys and Nancy Drew. Upon their first meeting, Nancy puts some fancy judo on Frank and flips him flat on his butt. The fear on Joe's face after seeing that is priceless, as is the fear on Nancy's when she realizes Frank has had it. I expected him to raise a pimp hand to her, but this was a family T.V. show in the '70s.

It turns out that Nancy had been working with Mr. Hardy on the investigation (No one ever said Fenton couldn't pick 'em). Everyone compares notes then it's off to Transylvania, and the "Dracula Festival" at the castle. The festival is being televised nightly to television audiences in the U.S. and is the brainchild of "rock star" Allison Troy. I put "rock star" in "quotes" because Troy is being "played" by singer, songwriter, and "actor" PAUL WILLIAMS.

Now a bit about PAUL WILLIAMS. I haven't done the math, and CASEY KASEM is no longer on American Top 40 for me to write in and ask, but I think PAUL WILLIAMS may have written 40-60% of the songs that came out between 1974 and 1980. He is a very 70's phenomenon, the likes of which we shall never witness again. He had a major role in DePALMA's PHANTOM OF PARADISE, and a song from that movie is featured in this episode. He also wrote "Rainbow Connection" from THE MUPPET MOVIE, one of my favorite songs of all time, and slightly kinder-traumatic with its melancholy undertones.

The rock festival itself is a pretty cool piece of T.V. production. The castle set is convincing, the bands are in continuous rotation, and all the guests wear the kind of really cool costumes that I dreamed I'd be able to wear at a Halloween party one day, but couldn't because I wore glasses. Those masks at Spencer's Gifts were almost worth being blind for, but alas, 'twas not to be. Oh yeah, Joe (CASSIDY) sings several songs like "That's Rock n' Roll" (no its not, SHAUN!). CASSIDY makes the strangest faces while singing and Frank is ALWAYS quick to come up with an excuse to leave the room before it gets this far.

There's lots of other cool stuff that I won't spoil, but some really great scenes are still in store, like:

• The Burgermeister Meisterburger gets attacked in the catacombs!
• Nancy's battle with a vampire bat, while wearing a nightgown! (Nancy, not the bat)
• Frankenstein's slow dance with his girlfriend!
• Opening Dracula's coffin!
• Angry villagers!
• The final showdown with the vampire!

I was just a couple of years too young to get to enjoy this show when it first aired, but with the magic of DVDs and the prompting of Mickster, I've become hooked on it. There were several episodes that would be fitting during the Halloween season besides this one. I like the Hardy Boys episodes and the Nancy Drew ones equally, and I just wish that the split between them was equal. The show became more Hardy-centric during the second season and PAMELA SUE MARTIN left halfway through it. Even more changes were in store for Season 3 which is not yet released on DVD. Seasons 1 & 2 are available though. At the risk of sounding like a stereotypical old person, they don't make shows like this or KOLCHAK: THE NIGHT STALKER anymore. Seeing them for the first time as a grown up just reinforces how great they were.

Did you know that back in the year 1979 Halloween was almost canceled? It's true. That means no costumes and no trick or treating…nothing. It's almost too painful to contemplate. I know I went out trick or treating on that very night, blissfully unaware of the events that made my monster-in-drag candy hustling excursion possible. Why the government has buried this information is beyond me, but thanks to the brave 30 minute reenactment of these events known as THE HALLOWEEN THAT ALMOST WASN'T the truth can now finally be told.

Most films based around Halloween regurgitate the same information over and over again. You know all that Samhain and All Hallows Eve history type junk. Here the mechanisms of how the holiday works in the modern era are revealed, including numerous facts that many of us are either confused by or completely ignorant of. Did you know that Halloween can only begin when a certain witch flies over the moon? Well it's important to know because in 1979, that fact was used to said witch's advantage in a power play between herself and Count Dracula that began with mild violence and assorted zingers and ended (thank God!) in a disco extravaganza that proved the greatest gifts are rewarded through compromise and subtle blackmail.

At the time of the events, Winnie the Witch found herself struggling with the vast difference between her known internal self and her external public persona. She was tired of being feared and thought of as an uggo. In addition, she was also feeling taken for granted, for even though she worked as hard as Dracula, she got zero credit for her endeavors. (Even in the monster world there is a glass ceiling). At the end of her rope, she decides that the only way to have her voice heard is to go on strike subsequently putting a halt on Halloween altogether.

An obvious influence on the later work of OLIVER STONE, THE HALLOWEEN THAT ALMOST WASN'T looks behind the curtain of what the media would have us believe and reveals, as best as possible, the actual events during this troubled time in history. Assembled to portray the monsters involved in this near tragedy are some of Hollywood's finest. JUDD HIRSCH plays the power hungry, so called leader of the monster group with conviction. He is able to reveal another side of the Count rarely glimpsed before. MARIETTE HARTLEY was nominated for an Emmy for her career-defining role as Winnie, a portrayal that in another actresses' hands could have come off as less sympathetic or at least hen-pecky. Rounding off the assembly line of master thespians is JOHN SCHUCK (Frankenstein's Monster), HENRY GIBSON (Igor) and JACK RILEY(Wolf Man). Two other dudes play a mummy and a zombie priest.

Many of you might want to turn a blind eye to this important film. You may think as long as I get my Halloween why should I care now? That's the type of stinking thinking that causes catastrophe. Make no mistake, this movie is not all preachy and dry, it entertains while it informs. If you don't feel like you personally know Winnie the Witch by film's end then you're just not paying attention. At the risk of revealing the startling conclusion, I recommend that a box of Kleenex be at your disposal when Winnie is confronted with the truth about how others really feel about her. (Be prepared for an appearance by the ultra glamorous HARTLEY you know and love!) Oh, if only all of our nation's disputes could be resolved on a disco dance floor just like they were on that fateful night in 1979. What a wonderful world this would be!

NOTE: In case you have any doubts about the validity of Winnie's claims about being marginalized in favor of Dracula's grandstanding consider this, when released on video the title was changed to the very inaccurate and misleading THE NIGHT DRACULA SAVED THE WORLD. My friends, in reality it was Halloween not the world that was at risk, and it was Winnie herself whose actions saved the day. Yet another example of just what had gotten Winnie's goat in the first place. I ask you is this irony or simply monster world status quo?

Educate yourself HERE, HERE and HERE!