Category: Holidays
Kindertrauma Funhouse :: Xmas Horror
Would you just look at all these stills from Christmas themed horror flicks I scrounged up! How many can you identify?
If you're not sure, feel free to guess. If you don't care to guess, leave a comment telling us which Christmas movie (horror or otherwise) is your favorite!
One lucky commenter is going to win a fabulous Kindertrauma T-shirt sort of like the one worn below by Kinderpal Taylor!
Note: The Kindertrauma prize t-shirt will be white and size medium, large, or extra-large (winner's choice!) with the same artwork as the one Taylor picked up at Kindertrauma Mart.
Also: The winner will be announced tomorrow so that everybody will get a chance regardless of time zone! (Step it up Left Coasters!) Good luck to all!
Kinder-News :: Attention Kindertrauma Shoppers!
UNK SEZ: Kindertrauma apparel! You've dreamt about it and now it's real! Why waste your precious time with exhausting workout routines, over priced self-help books, goofy yoga positions and fruitless meditation when you can improve who you are as person simply by buying new clothing? Do you really want to be the last person on your block wearing one of these babies? Be you an oldster, new born, emo, goth, tranny, hillbilly or time traveling Puritan, you are going to look like a fashion God or Goddess if you slip into one of these garments!
Psst! All you guys out there having trouble with the ladies say goodbye to excruciating loneliness forever. Purchase one of these items and your days of binoculars and blow up dolls are gone for good. Ladies, is Prince Charming taking his sweet time hitting you with that happily ever after stick? Shell out some green and it's off to the ball, your gal pals left fuming and stomping in out of control jealous hissy fits! In today's struggling economy you need to wear clothes, why don't you wear these clothes?
Animal fans, do you realize that all of the proceeds from your purchase will surely go to feeding our five cats? Vegetarians, that means you can even eat a hamburger while wearing one of these shirts and nobody will holler at you!
Just in time for the holidays, here comes Kindertrauma apparel, reasonably priced goods that will turn every trash-strewn sidewalk you walk on into a fancy-schmancy, highfalutin catwalk!
Note: Kindertrauma is not responsible for loss of privacy due to paparazzi attack!
Buy now, think later, suddenly life is yours for the taking!
AUNT JOHN SEZ: So here's how it works. Kindertrauma has partnered up with Zazzle and they print the shirts, ship ‘em out, and gladly take them back if you are not 100% satisfied. All the designs are customizable, so if you don't care for the style of a particular shirt, you can pick from over 250 styles and colors. Basic t-shirts start at $16 and some change + shipping & handling (bargain!) and from there the prices go up depending upon how awesome you want to look. Don't be a clown this holiday season… WEAR A CLOWN!
UNK SEZ: Still clinging fiercely to that wallet and or purse and or coffer of leprechaun gold? Take a look at these cats who will surely starve if you do not buy a shirt! Look into their pathetic eyes and tell them you would rather shop at Old Navy this holiday season!
Note: Two of our beloved felines declined to participate in Kindertrauma's "Ize get to eat!" ad campaign (Gato Malo and Victoria "Figgy" Figgstone respectively.) Gato described it as, "a truly nauseating attempt at attention grabbing" and lil' Figgy called it, "a kitty-cat exploitasionsplosion!" We would like to state for the record that no cats were intentionally exploited during the SARAH McLACHLAN supervised red-hot photo shoot. (They chose these sexy poses themselves!) Furthermore, all claims of starvation are facetious. In the cases of Rory and Kevin, who are both a mere six months of age, kitten labor laws were strictly adhered to.
A Kindertrauma Guide to Pissed Off Native Americans in Film
Our recent list of Thanksgiving viewing suggestions, while reasonably well received, was met with one major criticism, not enough avenging Native Americans! This brief compilation shall serve as an addendum to that previous list, for let it never be said that we here at Kindertrauma do not live to serve our faithful readers.
Now, we already mentioned the subtle condemnations found in THE SHINING, the not so subtle scalpings found in SCALPS, and the divine demolition of a craptastic stage play by Native American sympathizer WEDNESDAY ADDAMS in our other list, so here's seven more selections that will hopefully add an aftertaste of guilt to every bite of pumpkin pie you shove into your mouth today!
THE DARK POWER
Whip smart LASH LA RUE has his hands full with several spiteful spirits in a so bad it's still bad supernatural spooker apparently filmed in my cousin's basement rec-room. (Thanks to eugeniepetite for passing us this peace pipe!)
KOLCHAK: THE NIGHT STALKER
In the episode "Bad Medicine" Kolchak butts heads with a tall drink of yikes! I'm usually not psyched about non-Native Americans playing these roles but in this case I'll let it slide ‘cuz it's supermodel RICHARD KEIL (Jaws from MOONRAKER!) (A tip of the feathered headdress to kinderpal Senski!)
CREEPSHOW 2
A wooden cigar store Indian comes to life and helps GEORGE KENNEDY put some young punks in line in this STEPHEN KING-penned smoker! I had me at GEORGE KENNEDY.
THE MANITOU
Usually I take the side of the pissed off Indian guy, but in this case I take umbrage to the lil' guys entrance to this dimension via a popped zit on SUSAN STRASBERG's shoulder. That's just gross. (Thanks to the sweet as Indian corn mamamiasweetpeaches!)
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
Never one to shy away from a holiday themed show, Buffy's season four episode "Pangs" finds the slayer's Thanksgiving party crashed by Chumash warriors remarkably adept at shooting arrows, turning into bears and giving Xander a plethora of venereal diseases.
NIGHTWING
You'd have to be batty to blame the bats in this late seventies ecological tsk-tsk-er. Turns out an old pissed off Indian summoned the poor creatures and forced them to do his bidding. Don't worry, the kind of, sort of, almost passable as an Indian, NICK MANCUSO saves the day!
PET SEMETARY
Maybe Native Americans didn't have all the modern technological advances that we have today like your annoying iPhones, but ask yourself when was the last time Apple invented something that could resurrect a dead puppy dog? The answer is never.
Horror Movies For Thanksgiving!
Thanksgiving is no Halloween. Hell, Christmas is even cooler than Thanksgiving. Halloween has ghosts, monsters and mayhem; Christmas has, if you play your cards right, gifts that may include DVDs of movies that involve ghosts, monsters and mayhem. What does Turkey Day have? Getting together with fellow humans and gorging yourself on food?…Blech, lame with a capital whatever.
(Note: Please do not offer up football as a way to entertain myself on this day, call me BETTY WHITE but I'd rather drink a mason jar full of thumbtacks than watch a sport that allows (and pays) a convicted dog torturer to participate. Burn in hell Michael Vick!)
Due to its general sucky nature nobody makes good horror movies about Thanksgiving. There's BLOOD FREAK and 1981's HOME SWEET HOME, but one stars a mutant turkey and the other stars JAKE "Body By Jake" STEINFELD; nobody knows which idea is less beguiling. I know ELI ROTH made that snazzy trailer about a Thanksgiving slasher movie but (between you me and the lamppost) like much of what ELI has to offer, it's far too minimal in length to truly satisfy.
With Thanksgiving you have to get creative and as always, being creative involves rejecting reality outright. None of the following movies actually revolve around Thanksgiving per se but, if you squint your eyes, stand on your head and drink plenty of moonshine, these ten films just might get you through the turkey of all holidays.
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974)
I have the tendency to put not only this movie; but this particular dinner scene into just about every list I have ever concocted and here I go again. They're not exactly chowing down on green bean casserole here, but I bet YOUR family is starting to look pretty damn good to you right about now. Well, most of them anyway.
TROLL 2 (1990)
I don't recommend that anyone reenact this scene that involves a child urinating on the family dinner table, but it is empowering to know that we all have the power to bring din-din to a grinding halt any time we want to if need be.
AMERICAN GOTHIC (1987)
More weirdoes to make your family look normal! If you have an adult child still living at home watch this flick and take heart that at least they aren't a psychopathic murderer…yet!
STAGEFRIGHT (1987)
I'm reaching here, reaching like Aunt John for the last drumstick even, but besides crazy musical numbers, this Italian production has a guy in a giant owl costume killing people. Now, an owl is certainly not a turkey, but it is a bird and revenge is revenge. Now that I think of it, why not watch HITCH's THE BIRDS (1963) to boot (or perhaps hoot).
HORROR HOTEL(1960)
Pilgrims! They may have been famous for cooking birdies in the 1500's but what they really loved roasting up in the 1600's were outspoken women, people with red hair and anybody who stared at them a second too long. Innocent people were actually preferable to burn than witches ‘cuz innocent people would not wait centuries to come back and bitch slap your decedents!
CROWHAVEN FARM (1970)
More of those scary buckle booters! Not to be outdone by witches, the Pilgrims of this seventies television movie travel through time to extract their own revenge…copycats!
SCALPS (1983)
This FRED OLAN RAY movie may almost be as bad as the already mentioned HOME SWEET HOME & BLOOD FREAK, but it has a killer Indian in it and that's good enough for me. What better way to celebrate the holiday than with a good scalping! (Now that I think of it, why not watch WILLIAM LUSTIG's MANIAC (1980) as well.)
RAVENOUS (1999)
I dig this underrated oddity, is there any movie like it? We're in the 1840's now and there may not be any Thanksgiving to be found here, but there is definitely some serious eating going down and nobody has to suffer the effects of tryptophan! (How about a double feature with 1993's ALIVE?)
ADDAMS FAMILY VALUES (1993)
While suffering summer camp Addams' Wednesday and Pugsley are forced to participate in a mind numbingly vapid (and very unseasonal) Thanksgiving play. Viewing their brilliant off-script sabotage of the production is the closest I have ever been to wanting to have children of my own…
THE SHINING (1980)
STEPHEN KING may have been talking about being a bad drunk daddy in his classic novel but KUBRICK seems to have had a sharper axe to grind. (In fact, KUBRICK switched the novel's weapon of choice, a roque mallet, to an axe.) Although the focus on twisted family dysfunction would be enough to recommend this stone cold classic for Thanksgiving Day viewing, let's not forget that our favorite haunted hotel is built on an Indian burial ground…
In fact, many have read the film's multiple references, both visual and audio (That scary tribal wail and that creepy rattling sound!), as clues that , what was really on KUBRICK's chopping block (what was really haunting the Overlook), was the blood red harvest of imperialism and the conscious denial of mass genocide (Thanksgiving!).
Sure, there are some people that will say that even though KUBRICK hung native American artwork in the lobby, turned every Calumet baking soda can (which features an Indian cheif) in the hotel pantry face front and then dated that final photo of Jack Torrence "July fourth", that all such interpretations are spurious…those "some" people are called white people.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Wait! There's more!
SPECIAL BONUS PICK: EYES OF FIRE (1983)
Besides CROWHAVEN FARM this film is the only one here not currently available on DVD. I watched it about twenty years ago and although it's a cheapie it really got under my skin. Frontier folk (circa 1750), witchery and avenging Indian spirits swirl around in a sometimes hard to decipher mesmerizing brew. I've dusted off my VHS tape and plan to give it another viewing this Thanksgiving Day. Watch the clip below to get an idea of what I'm happily subjecting myself to; it's the anti-Macy parade!
The Second Annual Kindertrauma Halloween Parade!
ANNOUNCER: Good morning boys and girls, welcome back to the all ready in progress Second Annual Kindertrauma Time-Traveling Halloween Costume Parade. We now join your hosts, Unkle Lancifer and Aunt John, on the east lawn of Kindertrauma Castle.
UNKLE: Wait, is that a float I see driving down the street?
AUNTIE: Oh, sweet baby Jesus… that is, hands down, cross my heart and hope to die, the scariest thing I have ever seen! If it gets any closer I am going to S-C-R-E-A-M!
UNKLE: Wait, I don't get it. What is so frightening about that? It's just a bed.
AUNTIE: Sure it's a bed, but do you care to guess the thread counts on those sheets? I don't even think it's real Egyptian cotton, and those throw pillows… S-C-A-R-Y!
UNKLE: I liked the BLAIR WITCH float better, too bad it caught on fire.
AUNTIE: Yea who would have guessed sticks were so flammable. Moving on, perhaps you'll find our first marcher a little scary. It's FatherOfTears making the first of his three scheduled appearances in today's parade. Here is from 1971 as Casper the Friendly Ghost.
UNKLE: You're right, those pants are frightening.
AUNTIE: You better stop clowning around.
UNKLE: Speaking of clowns, who's that with the pumpkin?
AUNTIE: Why it's none other than RATSAWGOD. Let's throw it down to him to hear what he has to say:
RATSAWGOD: My mother made this cute wittle clown costume from scratch, and dressed me every Halloween… until I was old enough to demand a generic plastic Halloween costume for myself. Stupid, stupid me.
UNKLE: There, there RAT, there's nothing stupid about plastic Halloween costumes.
AUNTIE: True dat UNK! Just ask Reader Shelley S. and her kitchen full of Ben Cooper-clad pals:
SHELLEY S.: This is Halloween '78 – must have been a big year for STAR WARS costumes. I am the confused, little bunny, a few weeks shy of my second birthday, about to embark on my first Trick-or-Treat with my playdate buddy in the clown costume. My dad thought it would be a great idea to pull a handful of the neighbor kids into our kitchen and snap a picture of the occasion. Of the four kids up front, my mom can still name who was who, but I forget. Forgive the blotched out faces…don't want to get sued or anything!
AUNTIE: Shelley is right, 1978 was the year of the STAR WARS costume.
UNK: Good God, what sort of little weirdo would voluntarily dress up as that golden fussbudget C-3PO?
AUNTIE: Umm…
UNK: No, I mean really, this kid on the far right could have been someone really cool like Han Solo, Grand Moff Tarkin or even a Jawa… but instead he really thought C-3PO was the way to go? What a loser.
AUNTIE: Zip it dude… that gold lamé droid is me! My older brothers got first dibs on the Darth Vader and Storm Trooper costumes, and my Mom flat-out refused my suggestion that I go out as Princess Leia… so C-3PO it was.
UNKLE: I guess they didn't make Aunt Beru costumes.
AUNTIE: No, they didn't, and if you keep it up, I'm going strut my way out the door.
UNK: Really?
AUNTIE: No, not really, but I think my feelings would be best expressed by an interpretative dance by the legendary KINDERTRAUMA DANCERS! Take it away girls:
AUNTIE: Thanks girls! Say, what's up with the weather today? One minute it's nice and sunny, and the next it's overcast. I don't want to jinx things, but it almost looks like it could…
UNK:Rain?
AUNTIE: Yep, and you know what they say about showers?
UNK: Umm, do I really have to say this?
AUNTIE: Just read the cue cards or I will get someone in here WHO CAN!
UNK: Ugggh… this joke isn't even seasonally appropriate… they bring May flowers.
AUNTIE: That's right UNK, and if we all learned anything in high school history class, the Mayflower brought us Pilgrims. Chubby little Pilgrims!
UNK: Why look, it's none other than Emmy Dumas, sister of Andre Dumas of THE HORROR DIGEST.
ANDRE: Today my Mom thought…"What would be a good costume for a 3 year old? cute pumpkin? A cuddly lion? Oh I know! A chubby pilgrim!!!" Isn't she adorable?
AUNTIE: She's totes adorable!
UNK: Ugghhh… I hate that word totes… this parade is becoming a nightmare.
AUNTIE: That's right… A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET. Here's FatherOfTears in his second costume of the day:
FATHEROFTEARS: Next is me around Halloween 1988 as Freddy. I've lost count on as to how many eggs of Silly Putty were glued to my face & head! Someone in the house owned a orange shirt with dark stripes and I had the hat from my high school days… I was on a TOM BAKER DOCTOR WHO kick back then. Anyway, I actually drove to my college with that makeup on. How I didn't crash I don't know. It was dark, I couldn't wear my glasses and I couldn't fully turn my neck due to the glued on mess on my head!
UNK: Dark you say? I think our next two little marchers might know a thing or two about spending Halloween in the dark.
AUNTIE: Brilliant segue UNK! Here's Kinderpal Mickster to describe her nephew & niece's outfits.
MICKSTER: Zac (AKA Zackster) is ALF, Halloween 1987. This was an interesting Halloween. The power went off all over my small town around 3:00 that Saturday and stayed off until 8:30 P.M. It was really creepy when the sun went down. I will always remember the Halloween blackout of 1987.
MICKSTER: Brittany (AKA Brit-Brit) is a tiger, Halloween 1988. She, unfortunately, is too young to remember the blackout from the year before because she was 10 months old at the time. She was a cute little tiger!
AUNTIE: Brit-Brit really is the cat's meow!
UNK: Funny you would use the word meow AUNTIE, since none other than Mickster's cat is our next entrant.
AUNTIE: Get a load of Count Von Whiskersen! That's a really cool cape for a really cool cat.
UNK: Speaking of cool cats in cool capes, it looks like Mickster's husband Professor Von Whiskerson just showed up in a matching Dracula costume!
PROF: Of all the costumes I had as a child, I only remember being a vampire more than one year. This pic is from 1981, according to my sister the family historian (who scanned them in). My mother did the makeup, complete with painted on "Widow's Peak," and those fake plastic vampire teeth that make you drool so bad you're constantly making Drac-like sucking noises. This was obviously back in the day when we counted on our kids to keep their asses out from in front of a speeding car, judging by the amount of dark clothes I'm wearing. Maybe that was a secondary reason for the white sash, although it wouldn't even be visible from behind, what with the awesome black cape.
AUNTIE: Indeed Prof., black capes really are awesome!
UNK: Did you both just use the A-word?
AUNTIE: What are you deaf? Yeah, we both said awesome.
UNK: Awww, that word makes me think of Mr. Canacorn who has been on hiatus from his NSFW blog AWESOMENESS FOR AWESOME'S SAKE.
AUNTIE: There, there UNK, I miss that big lug too, but you know what?
UNK: What?
AUNTIE: In a KINDERTRAUMA HALLOWEEN PARADE first, we have a second-generation parader… Mr. Canacorn's son Chuy is here as a Werewolf. Let's throw it over to the lovely and talented Mrs. Canacorn (of Lucky Kitty fame) for the details:
MRS. CANACORN: I made his hat (not the ears, but I did sew them on), attached faux fur to his shirt and made his little wolfy shoes… enjoy!
AUNTIE: How I love me some fuzzy shoes.
UNK: Well then check out the mitts on our next parader… it's Yao Ming, a.k.a. the Orange Menace from ZOMBIES ARE MAGIC!
AUNTIE: All this cat fur is drying out my sinuses and making me feel parched, can you pass me that bottle of juice under the console?
UNK: Yeah… I got your juice right here… BEETLEJUICE that is. Take it away FatherOfTears:
FATHEROFTEARS: The last one is from 1990 as some ghost in a TIM BURTON movie. Mother had to make the costume. I did the rest… O.K. someone in the house had to spray the colors on my hair! I didn't put makeup on the hands, as I didn't want white stuff all over the furniture. Oh, if you look closely on the piano, you can see my high school senior picture. DORK!!!!! Sadly, this costume was destroyed in a 1992 college party while I was tossed around in a mosh pit.
UNK: I would be a total basket case if my costume got ruined like that.
AUNTIE: Well it's looks like our final entry should have no worries.
UNK: Damn, that's a solid looking number.
AUNTIE: Yep, crafted from the finest timber the Pine Barrens have to offer comes Joe's (CARRIE WHITE BURNS IN HELL) homage to FRANK HENENLOTTER's BASKET CASE.
UNK: Wait, where's Joe?
AUNTIE: He promises to send us a picture later tonight when he wears it out.
UNK: Speaking of wearing it out, I'm done with this banter, these goofy segues and horrible jokes.
AUNTIE: Looks like someone is ready for his nap, and with that, this concludes the SECOND ANNUAL KINDERTRAUMA HALLOWEEN PARADE. Special thanks to today's participants: FatherOfTears (x3), RATSAWGOD, Shelley S., my two older brothers, the KINDERTRAUMA DANCERS, Emmy Dumas, Mickster's niece Brit-Brit and nephew Zak, Professor Von Whiskerson (the cat), Professor Von Whiskerson (the man), Chuy Canacorn (and his rockin' parents!), Yao Ming and owner Jen, and Joe from C.W.B.I.H.
And last not but, not least, special thanks to you the readers of Kindertrauma!
Happy Halloween!