Category: Holidays
Kinder-News :: Halloween Day Costume Parade!
Hey kids! Do you dream of being an international celebrity the caliber of BONNIE FRANKLIN or HAL LINDEN? Well, Kindertrauma is in the business of making dreams come true!
This Halloween, on Oct. 31st, we will be presenting the greatest costume parade ever assembled and we want YOU to be a part of it. Do you have a picture of yourself as a kid dressed in a Halloween costume? Send it to Kindertrauma@gmail.com so we can post it on that very special day.
Just think how depressed and suicidal it will make your frenemies to know that YOU are cool enough to be in a parade that doesn't exist! We're predicting mass suicides across the country and we can't wait! Unlike that Silver Shamrock global Halloween Holocaust from a couple years back, this should go off without a hitch!
Make your decision now, do you want to be part of the coolest thing ever or wait in line for your chance to jump off a bridge to your death with all the other sad sacks who didn't participate? The choice is yours! (Sadly your dear old Unkle Lancifer has no such picture and has been lumped with the thankless task of serving Lorna Dunes and Hi-C out of Dixie Cups. Sob!)
In other Halloween related nonsense, I just got an important e-mail sent from your Aunt John all the way from a desk two feet away from my own. Look at this cool collection of treat bags he found below! There's plenty more so check em out HERE. Do they not inspire you? Now, off you go to find your pictures, dig through every photo album and please smash as many family heirlooms as possible during your frenzied search. If a parent or guardian tries to stop you, a kick in the shins should set 'em straight!
Project Run Scared :: The Ten Worst Halloween Costumes
With Halloween fast approaching your Unkle Lancifer and Aunt John have been combing the interwebs for inspiration for costumes. (Yes, we're kinda sorta fighting over who will be Joan from MAD MEN). During our Google-y endeavors we came across a list on RETROCRUSH which lists the worst Halloween costumes ever to be created. Rather than take this list as a cue to go no further and simply compromise (losing straw has to be Pete Campbell), we decided to challenge ourselves and see if we could find even worse Halloween costumes out there in the sparkly interwebville. Everyone one knows that if you're looking for crap the second place after the outhouse is eBay, so off we went. With visions of the impending PROJECT RUNWAY finales cat walking through our brains, we decided to review the ultimate worst of what he had discovered….
10. Nicholas Bradford from EIGHT IS ENOUGH
UNK: (as Tim Gunn) Why are there two? They are both worse than each other somehow. It's pretty sad to me that a child would be so unimaginative that the best that he or she could come up with was dressing like another child of approximately the same age. As I look at them, I hear annoying Ewok songs in my head.
AUNT J: (as the Klumeister): Where is the Mary Bradford costume? With her raspy voice and devotion to medical school, she'd make for a much better costume. PERIOD.
9. Lil' Hotlips from M.A.S.H. BABIES
UNK: In my opinion M.A.S.H. BABIES was the worst cartoon that ever aired on American television. That said, the idea of sending my young child out into the night with the words "LIL' HOTLIPS' emblazoned across her vinyl smock makes me ill. I'd also like to add that M.A.S.H. BABIES sounds more like a demand from the Marquis de Sade then an animated Saturday cartoon aimed at children.
AUNT J: You're right, M.A.S.H. BABIES was released right around the same time as the MICHAEL JACKSON/ Pepsi commercial incineration debacle. Too many little girls were bombarded with snickering taunts of "Major Burns… hah!" Plus LORETTA SWIT never translated well as a youthful character.
8. Some old guy from ON GOLDEN POND
UNK: Is that grey area on the costume plush? I feel it may be plush. Anyway, is that mask supposed to represent the celebrated actor HENRY FONDA? He may have beat his children like they owed him a gambling debt on a daily basis, but he never wore his hair THAT long. (P.S. eBay seller, you're welcome for Photoshoping the stains out of your carpet).
AUNT J: Correct me if I am wrong, but I think it's a KATHARINE HEPBURN mask. Overall, I am not very FONDA this getup.
7. NORMA RAE from NORMA RAE
UNK: Any child wearing this will never have their demands met. I predict a treat bag filled with pennies and lint-covered, unwrapped Velemints.
AUNT J: Is that sign attached to the crotch? The whole purpose of Halloween is to collect free candy, not splinters south of the border! PASS!
6. Aurora Greenway from TERMS OF ENDEARMENT
UNK: I just threw up, not so much in my mouth, but all over the front of my KRASS BROTHERS suit. eBay person, are you really going to try to sell something this filthy? Nobody wants your old dumpster diving gear. This looks more like crime scene evidence than anything that should be worn in public. From this picture, I can glean that its wearer already received their first review when the neighborhood children pelted her with dog feces.
AUNT J: If I saw this one coming down the street, I would totally bolt the door and turn out all the lights! Where is the imagination? Couldn't the child don a hospital gown, slap on some deathbed pancake make-up, and try to pull off the DEBRA WINGER look? This is too easy.
5. Vera from ALICE
UNK: I don't hate this, at least not as much as I hate the character of "Vera". It could work if you carried around a box of soda straws and pretended to spill them every couple of yards on your Halloween trek, and maybe bump into a light post or two. It needs a bit of work but it's almost there.
AUNT J: To quote the opening theme from ALICE, "Kicking myself for nothing was my favorite sport." This costume is neither a kick nor sporty. I'd much prefer to see Mel's Mom (MARTHA RAYE) immortalized in a plastic costume.
4. Steve Burns (AL PACINO) from CRUISING
UNK: I thought I'd seen it all with the VILLAGE PEOPLE costume on RETROCRASH, but this is even more alarming to my small town sensibilities. Then again, black vinyl is notoriously slimming. Plus liquids roll right off of vinyl, be it water or lemon juice or urine.
AUNT J: Can we turn that costume around? Yikes! October is far too brisk a month to be sporting assless chaps about town.
3. Anne Romano from ONE DAY AT A TIME
UNK: I love this! I have ALWAYS enjoyed her work. That's Twiki's robotic girlfriend "Tina" from BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY right?
AUNT J: Striking a blow for womens' rights and single moms everywhere in the late seventies, the Ann Romano costume was oft-mistaken for both Twiki and Lee Grant. Sad, really….
2. Walter from MAUDE
UNK: Why is there a picture of MAUDE on the chest of this costume? Even as a Halloween costume BILL MACY gets upstaged. God will get you for that BEA!
AUNT J: I read somewhere that BEA demanded that her visage be placed on the entire MAUDE Halloween costume collection. Regrettably, there was enough real estate on the bodice of ADRIENNE BARBEAU's to include two such images.
1. Cousin Jeri from THE FACTS OF LIFE
UNK: Ugh! This really rakes my nerves. Enough with THE FACTS OF LIFE! When will that show's iron grip upon our culture loosen? I've taken the good, I've taken the bad and what do I have? MORE FACTS O' LIFE! GERI JEWEL is the absolute last person that I wanted to see today. I actually made a mental note of that fact as I climbed out of bed this morning. Thumbs down, a real stinka-roo!
AUNT J: Ummm… NEWSFLASH Unkle…this costume didn't come off of e-Bay! I wore this costume in the second and third grades. JERI JEWEL was a role model, not only to me, but also to other blossoming stand-up comediennes everywhere in the early '80s. For reals, for reals! And by the way, this lil' number garnered me "Best Box-Job Costume" in 1982 and 1983 at my elementary school.
UNK: As long as we're being perfectly honest, I may have a M.A.S.H. BABIES costume lying around in a trunk in the castle somewhere (lil' Father Mulcahy natch!) Maybe we do have Halloween outfits for this year's festivities after all!
Kinder-Taining :: A Sure-Fire Halloween Recipe
Given the current recessionary state of the economy, not a day goes by in which your dear old Aunt John doesn't receive a mountain of e-mails, and countless faxes, from harried homemakers looking for advice on how to stretch their food budget dollars. As the primary home economist at Kindertrauma Castle, your Aunt John is a strong proponent of coupon clipping and home cooking.
In response to those who never really wrote me, I would like to open my coveted recipe file and share with you a relatively cheap and easy to make Halloween dish I picked up while attending boarding school in upstate New York:
For our more visually oriented readers, please follow the instructions below:
6 Films to Keep You Awake
If you remain unmoved by the recent airings of the diluted MASTERS OF HORROR series entitled FEAR ITSELF, 6 FILMS TO KEEP YOU AWAKE, the Spanish language equivalent, may be just what the mad doctor ordered. All the tales hold something of interest and happily the lion's share boast themes of a truly Kindertraumatic nature. On a technical level, 6 FILMS consistently impresses by constantly delivering a too rare, rich theatrical vibe to the small screen. A bit of patience may be required with the more subtle and psychological of the stories, but all in all this half dozen set of variant views of the dark side provides the chills.
BLAME
Doctor Ana Torres does the old bait and switch on pal Gloria when she offers her and her young daughter room and board in exchange for Gloria's aid at her in-home medical practice. Gloria soon learns that not only is Ana carrying a torch for her, but that she also wants her to assist in providing secret abortions to boot. When Gloria herself becomes pregnant, Ana coaxes her into taking advantage of the house specialty with high anxiety and profound regret the result. The aborted fetus disappears, young daughter Vicky begins carting around a tin box and slimy residue is found on the attic stairs. Directed by NARCISCO IBANEZ SERRADOR (the classic WHO CAN KILL A CHILD?), BLAME throws the viewer off by pointing its finger in every conceivable direction until its final thought provoking, slightly frustrating scene.
SPECTRE
An older man looks back on his youth and the part he played in the ostracism and tragic death of his first real love. This is a true blue ghost story in the PETER STRAUB vein, filled with some startling imagery and capped with an ending that grows creepier the more you think about it. Haunting in every sense of the word, SPECTRE director MATEO GIL (NOBODY KNOWS ANYBODY) proves the best way to slip a noose over the audience's head is very quietly.
A REAL FRIEND
Think you're tired of the old kid has make believe friends that just might be real storyline? What if I told you the kid's make believe friend was THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE's Leatherface? This fascinating journey into the mind of a little girl who just may have seen one to many horror movies is a must see for genre fans. The less I give away about this superbly crafted, beautifully shot mind screw the better, but I'll leave you with this, Leatherface is not the only icon who drops by…
A CHRISTMAS TALE
I'm a sucker for X-mas horror, but I was taken aback by just how up my alley this segment turned out to be. I was pretty much sold from the beginning, which not only spoofs a cheesy zombie flick but also introduces us to a group of kids who appear to be the missing members of THE GOONIES. Making things all that much more irresistible is that the action takes place in 1985 and we're surrounded by references to such things as THE A-TEAM, THE KARATE KID, the miniseries "V", Princess Leia, and that blinking light game SIMON. The kids discover an escaped female convict trapped inside a hole in the woods and rather than aid her decide to exploit the situation to their advantage. When the crazed Santa costumed woman does finally make her way out of the hole, well, to quote one of the kids, "She's got an axe and she's pissed!" Amongst holiday horror flicks this is highly original and lots of fun. You can bet I'll be watching it again once December comes around.
THE BABY'S ROOM
ALEX DE LA IGLESIA (DAY OF THE BEAST) is an exceptionally talented director and this particular tale showcases his strong suites well. This is a haunted house tale and like all good haunted house tales, the structure in question is really just a substitute for the interiors of the human mind. IGLESIA is able to inject potent doses of humor without diluting the terror as he peels back the wallpaper to reveal something akin to real madness. JAVIER GUTIERREZ and LENOR WATLING both turn in highly memorable performances as a couple whose new home subjects them (and their infant child) to domestic anguish levels not seen since STANLEY KUBRICK's THE SHINING, another must see.
TO LET
One director I cannot get enough of is JAUME BALAGUERO ([REC]) and here he does not disappoint. MACARENA GOMEZ and ADRIA COLLADO are a young couple checking out an apartment listing who get unsnarled in a nightmarish trap of which there seems no escape. GOMEZ, who you may remember from DAGON, has a striking resemblance to horror icon BARBARA STEELE and frankly she's impossible to take your eyes off of. Her performance along with that of NURIA GONZALEZ as the authentically frightening captor is something to behold. BALAGUERO's wonderful visuals are a given, but here he really showcases his deft hand at creating edge of your seat suspense.
If you've enjoyed recent Spanish language horror films like [REC], THE ORPHANAGE and PAN'S LABYRINTH this set is for you. I enjoyed all six of these productions and that's a real rarity. Less gimmicky and more in touch with a real genuine sense of the uncanny than most popular horror, they actually may have the power to keep the viewer up late into the wee hours.
NOTE: There's much more Kindertrauma fun to be found HERE!
Happy Fourth
A werewolf with a firecracker lodged in his eye? That can mean only one thing. It's the fourth of July, kids. Happy fourth from Kindertrauma! United we stand against lycanthropic clergy!
Happy Father's Day
Trauma-daddies have their work cut out for them keeping up with the dastardly doings of the horror world's Trauma-mommas. But let's face it folks, not counting a couple stellar stand outs who really put their nose to the grind stone, dads in horror films are traditionally an absentee lot. Still upset that your dad missed your big baseball game? Well Jason Voorhees' dad could never find the time to show up for any of his son's killing sprees. We're talking double-digit sequels and never so much as a peep from that guy! Faced with a skeleton crew of nominees, we here at Kindertrauma decided to bag the whole countdown presentation that the Trauma-mommas received. We decided that instead of stamping the pops in broad terms like "good" and "bad" or placing them in order of popularity, we would instead focus on the behavior of some of our own personal favorite horror fathers and judge their actions, rather than the person as a whole. Any new fathers out there would do well learning from the actions of the daddies on our list, both positive and negative. Remember dads, your conduct may be the deciding factor on how ugly the next tie you receive as a Father's Day gift is!
THE STEPFATHER
Covert basement rage explosions are not only fine, but also a traditional fatherly past time. Wasting a perfectly good out door barbecue stewing over how not perfect the perfect JILL SCHOELEN is? Bad idea, grab a hot dog and lighten up!
INVITATION TO HELL
It may not look so hot to the neighbor's prying eyes but disposing of your children's evil doppelgangers is always advisable.
BURNT OFFERINGS
BETTE DAVIS as an aunt-in-law is not something I would wish upon Hitler, but still there is no excuse for attempting to drown your son in the swimming pool.
TROLL 2
Not beating the living daylights out of the son who inexplicably stood on the dining room table and urinated on the dinner you were about to consume? Gandhi could take lessons from this guy!
AMITYVILLE 2: THE POSSESSION
Right smack on the opposite end of the spectrum from the TROLL 2 dad is this guy. Beating the crap out of your kids and blaming them for demonic graffiti they did not have a hand in thwarts their creativity. If these kids' brains were not blown away shortly thereafter, they would have ended up accountants!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
Reacting to the idea that your daughter is throwing a party whose invitees consist of all the people she just murdered with a look of disappointment rather than sheer terror and nausea is impressive. Way to hold it together dad!
AMERICAN GOTHIC
Yeah, yeah, yeah… I know your entire God-fearing clan has just been slaughtered, but it's never cool to denounce the Lord! You've read the Bible, so you already knew how the big guy pays back the less than devout!
HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH
It's a good thing to call home and make sure your kid's brains are not being chewed apart by bugs thanks to evil Halloween masks every once in a while, even if it means talking to your naggy ex!
SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT
Leaving your young son alone with your bat-shit crazy, pretending to be mute Santa-hating father? Not cool. Although I guess if you think about it, this dusty loon was right about Santa!
DEVIL DOG
Kindertrauma is a critter friendly site that does not endorse the execution of animals that is, unless of course, they are demonic dogs that have turned you entire family against you.
AMITYVILLE DOLLHOUSE
Way to deliver the evil dads AMITYVILLE series, that's why you rock! (Besides the already mentioned part 2, JAMES BROLIN's behavior in the original is less than stellar too). Now where was I? Oh yeah, coming back from the dead to throw your kid in the fireplace? No, don't do that.
THE ATTIC
Not allowing your adult spinster daughter a monkey pet is one thing, but faking the need for a wheelchair in order to keep her waiting on you hand and foot and killing her only beau is just plain mean!
ALONE IN THE DARK
Protecting your family from JACK PALANCE invasions is honorable and super brave. Good going Capt. H.M. "Howling Mad" Murdock!
THE BABYSITTER
Please do not get seduced by the babysitter. Even if you are married to PATTY DUKE!
NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET PART 3: THE DREAM WARRIORS
Dying while attempting to kill the skeleton of the molester you burned alive years ago deserves mucho props!
POLTERGEIST 2 THE OTHER SIDE
Usually tequila is the answer to everything, but not when there is a giant demonic worm that will possess you at the bottom of the bottle! Let go and let God!
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE
Keeping family traditions alive? That's good!
RE-ANIMATOR
Eventually the time comes when you must let your children go, hopefully it's before you become a stark raving mad zombie in a rubber room.
HALLOWEEN
Sharing your love with an adopted child is a beautiful thing. What could go wrong?
DON'T LOOK NOW
Repeat after me: "This is not my dead kid."
