May your holidays be filled with visions of terrifying marionettes!
xoxo,
unkle lancifer & aunt john
your happy childhood ends here!
May your holidays be filled with visions of terrifying marionettes!
xoxo,
unkle lancifer & aunt john
I've got to snap out of it and get my groove back. There I was happily riding the horror Christmas train when suddenly, absolute derailment. What the hell is wrong with people? If horrendous tragedy wasn't enough to sap my spirit, here comes everybody with their too late answers for everything. In my opinion, if your solution doesn't put the value of human life above all else then it already blows. Whatever you do, don't even try to place blame on movies and video games, they happen to be exactly what I'm going to use to springboard out of this funk. I want to thank INFAMOUS 2 for providing a place for me to hide ‘til the coast was clear and now I'm going to make a ten-ingredient movie cocktail to obliterate this malaise. I'm not saying these movies (not in any order) will work for you, but I know through experience that they work for me. If you have your own secret weapon stuper-smasher please share it in the comments section!
THE NEVER ENDING STORY (1984)
Let's get the tough love out of the way . I know this movie has the saddest scene ever but I'm going to stick it up here anyway as a crystal clear mission statement. Don't let the swamp of sadness get to you Artax! Also, if you can watch the scene below without crying, you are most likely a sociopath… so please get help.
THE NIGHT OF THE HUNTER (1955)
They may have complimentary singing voices but in the end murderous charlatan Harry Powell (ROBERT MITCHUM) is no match for unsung saint Rachel Cooper (LILLIAN GISH). "I'm a strong tree with branches for many birds. I'm good for somethin' in this old world, and I know it too."
SUPERMAN II (1980)
Ignore the cellophane "S" and let's hear it for the citizens of Metropolis! After Zod and his cohorts have apparently killed Superman, bystanders are so outraged; they band together and selflessly throw their own safety to the wind. "They killed Superman!" one screams; "Let's go get'em!" yells another. This always makes me happy. The fun's not over yet, I could watch Lois clock Ursa ("You know something? You're a real pain in the neck!") all day.
STARMAN (1984)
A list is not a list without JOHN CARPENTER. If you want to convince me that an alien would be even remotely impressed with humanity, it's a good idea to get an actor like JEFF BRIDGES to play said alien and KAREN ALLEN to represent humanity. "You're at your very best when things are at their worst" Not always true but when it is…wow.
FLASH GORDON (1980)
The theme song alone is enough to make me euphoric but what I find most life affirming is when Dr. Zarkov explains how he avoided being brainwashed by thinking of the works of Einstein, Shakespeare and the Beatles. That must be one hell of a planet he comes from! As Flash would say, "Not too bad."
CANDYMAN (1992)
You didn't think I'd neglect to put a horror film up in here did you? CANDYMAN is stuffed with stinging bees and violence but that doesn't mean it hasn't got anything positive to relay. I love that our hero Helen sacrifices herself to save a baby and I love even more that she is recognized and mourned by the residents of Cabrini-Green for her deed. They don't even know a fraction of what she's been through but they know enough.
(Tie) HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON (2010) /THE IRON GIANT (1999)
I can't choose between these two and so I won't.
(Tie) LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS (1986)/GREASE 2 (1982)
I don't always watch musicals but when I do they include songs about murder and dentistry (LITTLE SHOP) or sex education and bowling (GREASE 2).
HOLIDAY (1938)
Johnny Case (CARY GRANT) must choose between shallow dud Julia and her freethinking down to earth sister Linda who just happens to be KATHARINE HEPBURN. I won't tell you how it ends but summersaults and the world's greatest rumpus room are involved.
SCROOGED (1988)
You've seen this right? You know how it ends. Once upon a time way back in 1988 I went to see SCROOGED in the theater and I'll never forget it. After BILL MURRAY has his epiphany he breaks the 4th wall and invites the audience to sing along with the closing song "Put a Little Love In Your Heart." I don't know what was going on with the packed Center City Philadelphia audience I saw this with but they really got into it. At first it was embarrassing and then it became mandatory. You had to sing and clap along. When MURRAY told one side of the theater to sing they did and when he told the other (my side) we did too. It was amazing and I'm not exaggerating and if you think it sounds lame that means you weren't there. Hey, isn't that Harry Powell (ROBERT MITCHUM) singing along too? I forgot that he was in it. How perfect. Yes, the world really sucks sometimes but if you're one of the many people not adding to the grief, you should make sure you enjoy yourself this season. You deserve it.
I suppose it's possible to trudge through the holiday season without watching BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974) but why on Earth would anybody want to do such a thing? Viewing murder and mayhem in celebration of December 25th may seem like bad taste verging on sacrilege to some, but I'd argue it's more appropriate than a sled load of sappy modern X-Mas movies bent on selling you the idea that having your every indulgent fantasy realized is the reason for the season. Keep your shopping malls, Christmas should be spent in an old dark house surrounded by snow waiting for the appearance of you don't know what.
BLACK CHRISTMAS, like Christmas itself, focuses on a pregnancy (although this one will end in abortion rather than the son of God) and if that's not enough to convince you of its fittingness, it's also got folks with horrible communication skills cursing like sailors and abusing alcohol. Like any holiday gathering, it's equal parts hilarious and maudlin and yet you don't need to travel to reach this snuggly destination! Trust me, Jesus would tell you himself if he wasn't too busy crying his eyes out about the greed-driven travesty his birthday has become that he's more comfortable being associated with BLACK CHRISTMAS than "Black Friday" (Though truth be known, his favorite horror film remains CARRIE).
BLACK CHRISTMAS has no problem collecting laurels for including tropes that would become ubiquitous years later but its brilliance is worthy of far higher praise than "first out of the gate." This is no mere sorority house hack n'slash, and ultimately its most essential similarity to HALLOWEEN is that it's labeled "minimalist" when it's anything but. The late BOB CLARK built a psychological maze with no clear exit and more primary to its personality than its relationship to any forthcoming body count flick is its unspoken crush on ROSEMARY'S BABY. C'mon, the creepy boyfriend, the invasion paranoia, the raking of religion's chestnuts over an open fire. What separates BC from the slasher pack and even its own remake is that darn unwanted baby and its mother Jess's unyielding plans for it. Pretending BC is only an under recognized trendsetter ignores everything that makes it so strangely haunting and difficult to pin down.
Jess, as played by otherworldly beauty OLIVIA HUSSEY (who had just given birth before shooting), is admirable but notably aloof. She knows exactly what she wants, offers no apologies and attempts at swaying her are useless. She's going to have an abortion and not only does her boyfriend have no say in the matter, he's lucky she deigned to inform him in the first place. We're on her side, she's too stalwart not to align with, but held up against the history of horror heroines, she's comparatively cold. Jess is going to do what Jess is going to do. Here's another "final girl" who doesn't fit the faulty "virgin lives" theory and doesn't her regality make you feel like a cad even bringing it up? She shows no outward signs of feeling torn about her stance and it seems neither her boyfriend nor the universe she lives in can handle that. The harassing phone calls the sorority house has been receiving get more and more personal and accusatory and the holiday itself, honoring a holy birth, inaudibly sings a preachy Oompa Loompa song in her ear. There's a growing presence in the house to match the one in her body and it seems devoted to the act of shaking her fortitude.
Whether Jess deserves to be raked over the coals for her adult decision is beside the point, horror is under no contract to be fair and understanding. It's no accident that nearly every seemingly random act of brutality that occurs will wag a finger at her. The staple-kill that binds this volume together involves Clare (LYNNE GRIFFIN), who bawdy Barb (MARGOT KIDDER) refers to as "The poster child for virginity." Clare is strangled in a plastic bag (a mockery of contraception?) and propped in a motherly pose in a rocking chair with a rotten baby doll in her hands (I'm assuming that's the same doll briefly glimpsed earlier in the film trapped in a birdcage). Boozy Mrs. Mac climbs into the attic womb and is gauged on a hook. As Jess cherishes the cherub faces of innocent carolers, Barb is penetrated with a symbol of fragile uniqueness, a crystal unicorn (while a death skull observes above.) "Like having a wart removed," Jess hears as she clings to the phone's umbilical cord. The granny voice isn't just quoting a conversation between Jess and her unborn baby's father Peter (KEIR DUELLA), it's backing up his condemnation. She's being punished all right but is it because of her decision or because she fails to broadcast the required level of socially sanctioned maternal emotions?
We're meant to suspect the Biblically named Peter. He bashes a piano in a rage and CARL (PROM NIGHT) ZITTRER's shivery understated score echoes his tantrum throughout. He calls Jess a bitch, stalks about the premises and is filmed in menacing shadow. He does everything short of chomp on a red herring sandwich. But this stubborn to confirm anything film does gift us at least one solid fact, that Peter's hands are as clean the ones on Jess' sweater. After being led to believe that the horror is over with Peter's death, we linger to learn that the squealing beast still exists (is resurrected in a way) in his nest upstairs. Our last glimpse of Jess and Peter together is a curious one and it more than a little resembles Michangelo's masterpiece "Pietà " which depicts the ultimate pure mother Mary cradling her mourned son.
BLACK CHRISTMAS would remain a stunning movie even if CLARK had followed advice and tagged Clare's boyfriend Chris (ART HINDLE) as the culprit, but by sticking to his guns and allowing the killer to remain ambiguous, he lifts the tale into the arena of the poetic uncanny (where it's felicitous roommates with HALLOWEEN.) Our killer Billy could be anyone, could be anywhere. He is free to change forms each time you watch. Sometimes I imagine due to a few shots of a framed record that Mrs. Mac made with her sister (The MacHenry Sisters!) that Billy is her estranged nephew. With his judging, all-seeing-eye he might be a stand in for the notably absent Santa Claus or even God. Is he giving voice to Jess's raging to be born baby or is he a physical manifestation of her suppressed guilt? Neither and both. Shadowy silhouette killers are nothing new but CLARK's representation delivers a singular identifying shard, Billy's intense penetrating eye; a cinematic pitfall into a bottomless chasm of meaning. If the frequent point-of-view shots place the audience inside the head of the killer, then the stark flashes of Billy's eye amounts to the viewers catching a glimpses of themselves in a mirror. If Billy can indeed be anyone then that includes us; the judgmental, voyeuristic audience.
I'll never be able to explore every room of this address. I didn't even mention my favorite character Phyl (ANDREA MARTIN) the heart (and co-patriot observer) of the joint, who I suspect CLARK had similar affection for since she's granted an off-screen kill. You probably don't want to get me started on JOHN SAXTON, especially if I've had some eggnog; it can be embarrassing. I'm moved by the plight of Clare's father and it kills me when he gets hit in the face with a snowball. Then there's that little girl's worried mother and the volunteers braving the cold for a literal search for lost innocence in the park. Luckily we get some comic relief thanks to Sergeant Nash (DOUG McGRATH) and his limited knowledge of sexual terms. You could devote a whole book to KIDDER's Barb and her shenanigans. Maybe I'm biased and when am I not? BLACK CHRISTMAS just happens to take place in a space that reminds me of my grandma's seventies-era abode and it's occupied by people who look like I remember they did while my favorite X-mas memories were being carved in my head. Even the posters on the girl's walls enthrall me.
Let me close by giving a final more definitive shout out to OLIVIA HUSSEY's Jess who I think is often shortchanged. No, she's not a warrior badass and yes, Sidney Prescott in SCREAM was probably referring to her when she complained of those who are "always running up the stairs when (they) should be running out the front door." Still, she's a sleeping giant in the horror heroine department for so fully claiming ownership of her herself from introduction regardless of how she might be perceived by Peter, Billy, Santa, God or us. Appraising a character on the strength of their personal convictions rather than their defensive fighting skills? Jesus would totally approve.
I've made it clear I'm saving my tears for tragedies more devastating than a horror movie being remade HERE. Let me also be honest and admit that I get a kick out of watching supposedly broad-minded horror fans stomp their feet and get all Harper Valley P.T A. puritanical whenever a new one is announced. Sorry, nothing is more comical than a person in a zombie T-shirt crying about the death of originality. Greedy Hollywood is "out of ideas" that, or maybe they just know that pious bubble-dwellers will promote their film ad nauseum by bitching about it non-stop for a year…and then see it anyway. Can you believe that somebody had the gall to remake SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT? How can anyone hope to improve upon that fine piece of cinematic artistry? Don't get me wrong, I adore SNDN but a lot of my affection for it is because it is crass, disrespectful and mocks propriety. It's not a movie that would clutch its pearls and say "Well, I never!" at the thought of being remade. It was born to step on toes.
If you are appalled by remakes you better not watch SILENT NIGHT (2012); not only does it use a previously existing movie as a springboard to tell its story, it brazenly lifts swatches of content from fellow maligned remakes! Still teary-eyed about the MY BLOODY VALENTINE redo? Well here comes JAIME KING and a small town atmosphere to pour salt on your wounds! Still throwing darts at that ROB ZOMBIE poster because he successfully burned every copy of JOHN CARPENTER's masterpiece in existence? Here comes that no good MALCOLM McDOWELL and he's brought expressive color filters and light flares with him! That's gotta sting. Never mind that the first two SNDN's, long out of print, have been released at a reduced price to coincide with this differently titled movie's release, this abomination was built to ruin everybody's innocent memories! How will we ever go on?
SILENT NIGHT is a fine modern slasher. It has an exceedingly likable lead in KING and even though it's lame on occasion, its coal black sense of humor easily wins out in the end. They did a superior job making the Santa killer look menacing and there are more than a couple inspired kills. Granted, some of the nods to the original work better than others. It's always nice during the holidays to see someone impaled on antlers, but they needed to hire a much gnarlier dude to play phony-comatose grandpa. The guy they chose could play a patriarch on a nighttime soap! Look, I LOVE Christmas horror films and regardless of this flick's origin, it's a welcome addition to my collection. It's too soon to say if it will become part of my seasonal rotation but if I had to guess I'd say, "Who am I kidding? Yes." It's a crisp breezy romp and I must put a star on its tree for not shying away from killing a bratty kid who asked for it. I'll always favor the orginal's more personal story focusing on the forging of a psychopath, but there's room in my stocking for this approach too. I won't over sell it because I'm bias as hell but if you're into killer Santas movies than it's a must see all the way. In fact, I'm hoping it follows its inspiration's lead and spews out many sequels for years to come. Yes, SEQUELS! Groans of disapproval are music to my ears.
Unk here, with a weird story to tell you. The Kindertrauma Castle is empty today because we're all at a reception type party celebrating the fact that your Aunt John and I got hitched in New York a couple weeks ago. I wish you all could be there with us; although your endurance of eighties pop music would surely be tested. We had some trouble trying to decide what image to put on our invitations. It took me a bit but then I thought of the perfect thing. When I was a kid I loved the poem "The Owl and the Pussycat." It's about these two unlikely creatures teaming up, jumping on a boat and getting married. Something about it always had a calming effect on me. In fact, as a kid when the kindertraumas came a calling, I often imagined my bed was that peaceful pea green boat. To be honest, even when I was much older I'd still think of it when things got dark and shaky. The perfect image for the invitation would be an illustration of that poem. It's corny and romantic, but I have vowed to cultivate those things. The world sucks without them and I have to compensate for others.
I made no attempt to track down the precise image from the book from my youth, and if it crossed my mind to try, it did so fleetingly. The poem is surely found in a zillion kids' books, so tracking it down would be like looking for a needle in a haystack. We found a suitable image of the owl and the pussycat in their boat from a random book and we slapped it on the invites and then, because we were not through being the type of people I used to want to kill, when we got our rings made, we gaily (I'm using that word's every possible connotation) engraved one with "owl" and one with "pussycat." I know, it's a bit much but it seemed right and feel free to roll your eyes.
Anyway the other day I was walking about town, just burning off energy because the weekend ahead is big and I dread any kind of anticipation. I passed by a used bookstore I frequently walk by and I noticed something new. Out front there was a box with a sign over it that read, "Books good for one last read! 39 cents or 3 for a dollar." It was the book pound, damaged merchandise's last stop before being put to sleep in a garbage bin. Hanging out on the top of the heap doing everything but whistling, was the book from my childhood, "The Golden Treasury of Poetry" and even though I had not seen it since I was as a kid, I recognized it at once. Paging through it was like lancing a cist full of memories and, sure enough, there was the page I was looking for; the poem that has meant so much to me over the years and has been pushed to the forefront of my mind these past weeks. The price of the book happened to be exactly what I could afford. I was almost nervous buying it. The binding was broken but I had just bought clear packing tape the day before.
Walking home with that book in my hand I felt something I had not felt enough in my life and certainly not in a long time; that there was something bigger going on right beyond the page I was drawn on. Trees were throwing orange leaves on me like they cared and the wind dutifully swept litter out of my path. Once inside my house, I had the craziest idea. What if I opened the book and my name was inside? What if it actually was my exact same book from when I was a kid? It wasn't possible. I eased open the book and no, it didn't have my name inside. That would have been bonkers. Instead, in blue ink someone, somewhere, at some time had written, " Generous gift of Unk."
The higher power and me have not been on speaking terms for a while. It's kind of like when you lose a friend because you hear they're saying shit about you behind your back from unreliable sources with questionable agendas. I can't prove God exists but I can prove that he, she or most likely "it" knows exactly the perfect gift to send to a gay wedding. (No, pal, I don't mind paying 39 cents to pick up the package. I totally get that the winning $12 Powerball ticket you threw at Aunt John more than covers the tab.) From now on I will no longer give a second thought to what anyone, no matter their costume, pretends to know. I'm not interested in their convenient misinterpretations of what they thought was written or said before they were born. For now on I'm only listening to what comes right out of the horse's mouth. Screw the middleman, go-betweens are for amateurs. As you read this I'm at a wedding party with at least one guest I had not planned on inviting. Shit! That reminds me! I forgot to put "Like a Prayer" on the wedding playlist! Consider that remedied.
UNK SEZ: These movies are NOT turkeys! They're all wonderful and waiting for you! Watch them in this precise order and YOU will become a member of the T.U.R.K.E.Y. Squad!
"T" is for TROG, a film with not one but TWO beasts!
"U" is for THE UNINVITED. A mutant cat! On GEORGE KENNEDY, he feasts!
"R" is for RAWHEAD REX, who just pee'd on a priest!
"K" is for KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE! You'll know exactly what to expect from the title at least!
"E" is for EQUINOX from this film, it's theorized, much of THE EVIL DEAD was fleeced!
"Y" is for YOU BETTER WATCH OUT! (CHRISTMAS EVIL) Yay, our days without holiday horror have officially ceased!
P.S.: Happy Thanksgiving to you & yours!