Category: Holidays
Leprechaun's Revenge
Happy Saint Patrick's Day kids! Do not go outside tonight the streets will be filled with drunks! Instead, put on something green and stay indoors and watch the SYFY channel! Tonight they are premiering a brand new horror flick inspired by the holiday entitled LEPRECHAUN'S REVENGE! What makes this movie so promising is the fact that the one and only DREW DAYWALT directed it. Drew has directed many a fine horror short including the perennial "The Easter Bunny is Eating My Candy!" and "There's No Such Thing!" which actually happens to be dedicated to Kindertrauma! (You can even read a traumafession from good ol' Drew HERE!)
With DAYWALT pulling the strings, LEPRECHAUN'S REVENGE is sure to be monstrous good fun so make sure you catch it. Go buy some beer and prepare. SYFY is even going to show the first three unrelated WARWICK DAVIS LEPRECHAUN flicks so that you can make a night out of it! Check out the teaser trailer for DREW'S flick below and remember it premiers at nine. Don't miss it! It's sure to sham-rock!
Happy Valentine's Day 2012!
Happy Valentines Day from Kindertrauma!Here is a box of semi stale chocolates! Bite into TEN HORROR ROMANCES, creepy stalker CARDS and some ancient reviews for MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D, VALENTINE and the Valentine's Day set HOSPITAL MASSACRE! If you're looking for something really sweet how about watching some CANDYMAN? XXOO!
Happy Thanksgiving 2011!
Now it's Thanksgiving day and myself and Aunt John are taking the day off to eat and mostly drink things! If you have no family to visit today make some toast and popcorn and revisit our wildly unpopular posts HORROR MOVIES FOR THANKSGIVING! (HERE.) and KINDERTRAUMA'S GUIDE TO PISSED OFF NATIVE AMERICANS! (HERE.) Happy Thanksgiving and remember only Turkeys drink and drive!
Ten Turkeys To Gobble!
It's almost Thanksgiving, the day where you act thankful but I'm not thankful for rampant gluttony and smallpox blankets; I'm thankful for bad movies! When I use the word "bad" I mean it in the way the kids do these days and that means the opposite! "Bad" means "good" in the world of hip-hop! What will they think of next? Lots I guess. Here are ten movie turkeys that brightened my life with their inability to walk a straight line and touch their nose when I pulled them over to the side of the road. Yes, these are recycled posts but what am I a mule? Look, I even blurbed myself which frankly is just as much fun as it sounds. Gobble.
10. THE DARK (1979)
"There's no escaping the frustrating, unfocused, half-hearted pace." (MORE.)
9. STAR CRASH (1978)
"Moments in, I realized that my eyeballs were about to get reamed." (MORE.)
8. FATAL GAMES (1984)
"Its perpetual atrociousness makes it strangely worthwhile." (MORE.)
7. SCREAMTIME (1986)
I think SCREAMTIME is a way better movie than INCEPTION. (MORE.)
6. BLOOD SHACK (1971)
"I have always regarded it as the worst film I had ever seen in my life." (MORE.)
5. THE VISITOR (1979)
"Spectacularly daffy enough to be absolutely critic proof." Full review HERE.
4. SHRIEK OF THE MUTILATED (1976)
"Not one moment of normal human behavior to be found anywhere." (MORE.)
3. JAWS OF SATAN (1981)
"A perfect amalgamation of everything that makes movies not good." (MORE.)
2. NIGHT OF THE DEMON (1980)
"IT HAS THE GREATEST ENDING EVER FILMED!!!" (MORE.)
1. CATHY'S CURSE
"If (it) were just incompetent that would be one thing, but it goes far beyond that, it willfully defies rational thought." (MORE.)
Twelve Horror Houses You Should Avoid When Trick-or-Treating.
It's time to go trick-or-treating again but why waste your time on houses that don't deliver? Here are twelve horror homes that we recommend avoiding!
12. HOUSE OF WAX
This place? The only "candy" they hand out are those wax soda bottles with colored juice inside. Unless you are a fan of those things, don't bother.
11. CREEPSHOW Billy's House
Don't be fooled by the pumpkin in the window! Billy's dad is cranky and not such a fan of horror in general.
10. HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES
Props go to the Firefly family for their year round commitment to Halloween decorations but unless you have time to sit through an amateur variety show, it's not worth the trouble.
9. HELL NIGHT (Garth Manor)
One two many Gorks. 'Nuff said.
8. TRICK 'R TREAT (Steven's house)
I should probably warn you about Principal Wilkins' house because he and his son Billy are liable to carve your decapitated head like a pumpkin but instead, I say stay away from Mr. Kreeg's place because he thinks generic peppermints are passable as treats!
7. THE HAUNTING (Hill House)
This place is far off the beaten track and once there nobody will be around if you need help. No one lives any nearer than town. No one will come any nearer than that. In the night. In the dark.
6. HALLOWEEN (The Myers house)
The place has been abandoned for years and not only will you not get any candy, you may bit hit by a stray rock thrown by an angry mob of Haddonfield locals!
5. FRIDAY THE 13th part 2 (Jason's shack)
Yes, hillbilly Jason has THE BEST Halloween centerpiece for his table in the form of the rotting decapitated head of his mother but other than that the place is still a shack and the candy he hands out is super low end (Mary Janes)!
4. PSYCHO 2 (The Bates house)
Speaking of dead mothers, you might as well skip Norman's house when trick or treating too. Not only are the front stairs a bitch to climb, but who in their right mind hands out toasted cheese sandwiches for treats?
3. POLTERGEIST (The Freeling house)
This house folded up into itself and then disappeared into another dimension and with no front door to knock on, it's really a waste of valuable trick or treating time.
2. THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE
This place offers the opposite of candy because the opposite of candy is being shoved on a meat hook. Am I wrong?
1. CARRIE (The White House)
Talk about evil! Rather than candy, Margaret White hands out Chick tracts!
BONUS TIP: If you find you've eaten too much Halloween candy this year just stop by THE CHANGELING (1980) house on November first! Nothing burns calories faster than running away from a ghost powered wheelchair!
Trauma-Mommas :: Mother of the Year 2011
When it came to selecting the Trauma-Momma of the Year, there was really no competition. Let's take a lookie-loo at this mother's impressive resume:
1. She's an accomplished artist specializing in portraiture.
2. She has an appreciation for the sweeter things in life.
3. She gives a mean manicure.
4. She's not above kissing boo-boos.
5. She's always calling to check in.
6. Her daughter has a face that only she can love.
7. She has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to Ecstasy-fueled pottymouth.
8. She knows sleep is the best cure for a hangover.
9. The kitchen is the heart of her home.
10. Again, her paintings are very life-like.
11. She's not afraid to get physical when a game of "hide the doorknob" gets heated.
12. When it comes time for her daughter's swan song, she is front and center.
It is for the above reasons, your Aunt John is pleased to crown BLACK SWAN's Erica Sayers with the coveted Trauma-Momma of the Year Award. You earned it, you crazy bitch!
Special thanks to my own Mommy for buying me a copy of this DVD the other day during our mother/son shopping excursion and extra thanks for never napping in my room during my teen years. Seriously.
Happy Easter!
There I was assembling a "Stream Warriors" post when I realized that today is Easter! So let's say we simply re-enjoy this more appropriate and very enjoyable film from the Kindertrauma vaults, DREW DAYWALT's now classic "The Easter Bunny is Eating My Candy!" Here's hoping you all have a hoppy, jellybean strewn day!