Happy New Year! Love, Kindertrauma
Category: Holidays
Merry X-Mas!
Happy holidays to you and yours!
xoxo,
aunt john & unkle lancifer
Avalanche of Christmas Horror!
Is it possible we've never done a proper Christmas horror movie list on these pages before? I could have sworn we had. Let's fix that toot sweet. In completely random order here are some bloody yuletide flicks to cram in your stocking!
THE SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT SERIES (1984-1991)
The first film is a required classic so goofy it's hard to believe anyone ever took such offense to it. The flashback stuffed second installment jacks up the lowbrow dark humor even more. Number three is rather a depressing dud and unconnected stand alones 4 (THE INITIATION) and 5 (THE TOYMAKER) are, if not good, at least bizarre enough to deserve a gander. Choosing a preference over those last two is a breeze; 4 was directed by SOCIETY's BRIAN YUZNA and 5 stars the dreaded MICKEY ROONEY! (MORE)
SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT (1974)
I admit I didn't make it all the way through this one the first time I attempted to; in fact, it lulled me to cozy sleep. The factors that once swayed me to slumber, I found later to be its major, most potent charms. It's a quiet movie, dark and moody and at some points it almost plays like a scarred silent film. Big bonuses include genuinely eerie locations and the always striking and highly watchable MARY WORONOV. Something tells me this one is only a proper DVD release away from being an established perennial. (MORE)
BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974 and 2006)
BOB CLARK's original is above reproach in my book. It's that rare movie that becomes more and more mysterious upon each viewing. The remake stands as a textbook example of what NOT to do when attempting an update, but I'll shamelessly throw it on anyway just to see ANDREA MARTIN's returning face. I'd call the re-do an overwrought insult in general but it does have a cozy parlor room atmosphere and loads of Christmas lights sparkling. In other words, best served after plenty of eggnog.
CHRISTMAS EVIL (aka YOU BETTER WATCH OUT! 1980)
None other than JOHN WATERS has called this chestnut, "The greatest Christmas movie ever made." And far be it for me to argue with him. BRANDON MAGGART (whose tree FIONA APPLE fell from!) stars as a hard not to like psychopath obsessed with X-Mas. Perverse and bizarre, it's also wonderfully shot and if you snatch the SYNAPSE DVD you get a commentary from WATERS along with director LEWIS JACKSON! (MORE)
EYES WIDE SHUT (1999)
Speaking of Christmas lights, did STANLEY KUBRICK hang a string in every shot of this movie? I hate typing the name TOM CRUISE even more than you hate reading it, but no one can say he's not perfectly cast as a self-obsessed douche. Many were disappointed by STANLEY's swan song but if this all-night journey into crazy town isn't fascinating I don't know what is. Keep your eyes perpetually peeled and the gifts just keep on coming. Must blame HORROR DIGEST's ANDRE for dragging me out of the closet as a big fan!
DEAD END (2003)
You'd have to be approximately three years old not to see the final reveal of this flick from miles away, but it doesn't make the journey any less compelling. The cast here is phenomenal, LIZ SHAYE, RAY WISE and (who'd of thought?) ALEXANDRA HOLDEN give solid, amazing turns. A late night excursion to granny's pad for Christmas slowly turns into a creepy mind screw road movie that I've come to regard as feeling like DAVID LYNCH directing WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOLF? I love this movie. (MORE)
WIND CHILL (2007)
This would be an excellent double feature with the above-mentioned DEAD END. Another holiday inspired road trip takes a u-turn for the crazy as a blunt EMILY BLUNT discovers her traveling companion is not on the up and up and that an ill advised short cut may result in hypothermia and poltergeist activity. I love the atmosphere (and yes, the BLUNT) but out of place CGI and a less than satisfying conclusion stall its status. Still, if you are looking for chills they are served by the ice tray here.
GREMLINS (1984)
Don't have Christmas and not invite Gizmo! JOE DANTE is truly a master when it comes to shoveling up humor with horror and if this movie doesn't give you a blast of nostalgia then your heart is coal. Some thought this one went too far with PHEOBE CATE's telling of a major bummer on a Christmas past but to me, it's the highlight of the film. Five thousand extra points for inclusion of a gremlin Christmas tree attack! (MORE)
TREEVENGE (2008)
Speaking of Christmas trees, has everybody caught this 16 minute X-mas card of hilarious depravity from director JASON EISENER (he of the upcoming RUTGER HAUER starring HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN)? You'll never look at your Christmas tree the same way again. Envelope, consider yourself pushed! (Watch TREEVENGE HERE!)
HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS (1972)
I'm sure T.V. movie aficionado AMANDA BY NIGHT will back me up when I say you can't go wrong with an AARON SPELLING production. Not to be confused with JODIE FOSTER's Thanksgiving flick, this one stars JESSICA WALTERS (ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT) JULIE HARRIS (THE HAUNTING) and SYBIL herself SALLY FIELD. Written by JOSEPH STEFANO (PSYCHO), they sure don't make ‘em like this anymore and the poncho clad mystery killer predates many a slasher to come!
THE NIGHT TRAIN MURDERS (1975)
Not on Christmas! I prefer my holidays rape-revenge free but if you're looking for an Italian take on LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT that takes place in late December, the train stops here. Beautiful locations and a soundtrack by none other than ENNIO MORRICONE (THE THING) soften the blow but merry this film is not. It's a bit slow and a tad sick but it may fit the bill if you're itching to travel to the squeamish zone.
TO ALL A GOODNIGHT (1980)
While we're on the subject of LAST HOUSE, that movie's big baddie DAVID HESS directed a film of his own. It's a might horrendous and good luck trying to make out much of the action thanks to sloppy lighting. On the other hand, I can't resist an early eighties slasher and the obnoxious synth soundtrack is heavenly music to my ears.
SANTA'S SLAY (2005)
This one will lighten your mood. I'm not a hundred percent sure that the entire film is successful but the opening scene, as I've said countless times before, is just one of my favorite Christmas horror themed treats ever. Yes, Virginia, you do get to see BILL GOLDBERG light FRAN DRESCHER's hair aflame and kick CHRIS KATTAN into a wall, what more do you want? Please Santa, give me a sequel!
ELVES (1989)
Witnessing GRIZZLY ADAM's DAN HAGGERY utter the line, "I want to know the connection between the elves and the Nazis" with a straight face is a gift in itself. It's nearly as brilliant as the line, "Who are the goblins?" from TROLL 2. I can't tell where the line between intentionally bad and unintentionally bad is drawn in this movie, but I do know that the end result is very bad indeed and in a very joyous and entertaining way.
JACK FROST (1996)
Just before Christmas a freak accident occurs which results in a serial killer being fused with snow and voila…the world's first killer snowman! Dumb fun mostly remembered for an outrageous rape-by-carrot scene involving SHANNON ELIZABETH. You'll probably find some twisted laughs here but expect far fewer from its sequel JACK FROST 2: REVENGE OF THE KILLER MUTANT SNOWMAN.
TALES FROM THE CRYPT (1972 and 1989)
Here's something you won't hear often, I can't for the life of me decide which I like better the original version of "And All Through the House" starring JOAN COLLINS from the 1972 movie TALES FROM THE CRYPT or the ROBERT ZEMECKIS directed segment from the HBO series. They're both just so darn good. The earlier version's Santa is more convincingly grubby but the later as portrayed by LARRY DRAKE is simply the face of true horror in my book. It's for the best to call this competition a happy and far too infrequent nose to red nose tie. Watch both for perhaps the purest most perfect Christmas time scares!
NIGHT OF THE HUNTER (1955)
Maybe you'd simply like to watch one of the most beautiful and poetic movies ever made in the form of CHARLES LAUGHTON's lone directorial effort. It's not very Christmas-y overall but once LILLIAN GISH has given evil preacher ROBERT MITCHUM the what for, peace is ultimately found on the ho-ho-holiest day of the year! A must see for any fan of cinema NIGHT OF THE HUNTER may not have plenty of snow but it does have a satisfying side serving of WINTERS (and that would be SHELLY!) (MORE)
CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE (1944)
I'd put this one right on par with NIGHT OF THE HUNTER in the incredible work of art department. Shelving the psychosexual groove of its precursor, this installment remarkably heads down a path toward dark fantasy and ends up being a rare sequel that exists on its own terms. Christmas effortlessly adds another layer of magic to the proceedings and if you can find a more beautiful snowstorm captured on film, I'd like to hear about it. Absolutely blood free and I can't speak highly enough of it. (MORE)
SHEITAN (2006)
After a nightclub scuffle on Christmas Eve a group of hip thugs get lured to a country house where bacchanalian indulgences lead to an encounter with someone who just might be Satan himself. Nary an inappropriate stone is left unturned and VINCENT CASSEL as the Satyr-like host is remarkably both unrecognizable and his usual bad ass self.
CALVAIRE (2004)
On his way to a Christmas singing gig, a passive young man's van breaks down and he is forced to stay the night in a stranger's home. Gratitude toward the hospitable homeowner turns to fear when rather than fix the van as promised, the odd oldster catches it on fire. Thus begins a survival horror film that utilizes more pig squeals than DELIVERANCE. Gender and religion are dragged through the mud, and to what end I'm still not clear, but I love the look of this movie to death. It's raw like CHAINSAW and I'd like to hang a few frames from it right on my wall.
FILMS TO KEEP YOU AWAKE: A CHRISTMAS TALE
A bunch of kids discover a wanted criminal in a hole in the ground dressed as Santa and rather then turn her in, they exploit the situation for all it's worth. Eventually the woman escapes with axe in hand and expresses her raging displeasure. Directed by PACO PLAZA the genius behind [REC], and clocking in at 70 minutes, this stocking stuffer is funny, eighties nostalgic and ultimately successfully scary. (WATCH HERE!)
WILD AT HEART (1990)
I include this film as a salute to my darling cousin Jingle Dell (CRISPIN GLOVER).
RARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE
I haven't seen this slick looking Santa vehicle yet but the chance of me not enjoying it is as slim as snowflakes in July. Hopefully this one will be playing in your neck of the woods and we'll all, everyone of us, have a good horror-packed Christmas movie to watch in an actual theater this movie season! Christmas dreams do come true! Check out the trailer below, let me know if I forgot to stick any of your holiday favorites in this stocking and merry (and bloody) Christmas to everyone!
EXTRA BONUS: COAL FOR YOUR STOCKING!
WHILE SHE WAS OUT (2008)
KIM BASINGER, happy to get a moment away from her abusive husband (NIGHTBREED's CRAIG SHEFFER) drops by the mall for some last minute Christmas shopping and finds herself running for her life from a gang of theoretical ruffians. This movie should have at least been trashy fun but a sleigh of lame casting leaves its blade blunt. BASINGER and SHEFFER are fine but you're a bigger wimp than me (and trust me you're not) if you find LUCAS HASS menacing. The more he glowered the more I wanted to knit him a sweater.
P2 (2007)
I like the Christmas Eve setting; I like the parking lot setting. I personally find parking lots to be the scariest places on Earth. I think I even like the two leads in this well enough. Yet, this movie failed to get me going in the way it needed to and I have to scold it even further for having what I believe the worst title in cinematic history. Honestly, you could just pick any other letter and any other number and it would be an improvement. What about H-11? Was that so hard? It took me one minute.
DON'T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS (1984)
I've got to give it to this one for being original enough to have Santas being killed rather than doing the killing, but I'm still not satisfied. Courtesy of some of the folks that made PIECES possible and featuring a disco singing cameo from CAROLINE MUNRO, you'd think I'd be caught with this baby under the mistletoe. Unfortunately the whole dealio makes zero sense and I can't for the life of me make heads or tails of what is going on. Maybe this is one that shouldn't be opened at all or maybe I should try it again next year!
Thanksgiving in Sunnydale
Urgh. Thanksgiving is not my favorite holiday. As much as I support murder when it involves electrocuting and burning alive your tormentors on prom night, murdering an indigenous people in order to swipe their real estate is kind of douchey. Maybe it's me but I'm not convinced that the yam with marshmallow dish everyone keeps raving about is all that delicious either. Plus there's the Kindertrauma holiday post dilemma to worry about. I really don't want to resort to that phony ELI ROTH trailer.
What I finally decided to do was just share with you a yearly ritual of mine, which is watching the BUFFY THE VAMIRE SLAYER episode "Pangs." This particular episode of BUFFY takes place on Thanksgiving and although it's hardly the strongest in the series, it does provide me with a certain amount of comfort. "Pangs" involves Indian warriors coming back to life through magical means to avenge their people. Like I just attempted, Wicca witch Willow makes comments condemning mass genocide but it sounds less annoying coming from her because she is a girl. It may not be BUFFY's shiniest hour, but it is the only hour of hers that involves turkeys, syphilis ad somebody turning into a bear.
While watching "Pangs" this year I started thinking about my long history with Buffy and, as I did, a memory resurfaced that, as it turns out, specifically involves Thanksgiving. Picture it. Philadelphia, mid-nineties, your Unk is living far from home and all of his so-called pals have other plans for the holiday that don't include him. One friend, let's call him "Spike" was in the same gravy boat so plans were made that we would spend Thanksgiving together. It should be noted that I may have had a thing for "Spike" at the time. In fact, I know I did because he had a physical impairment and was morbidly self-involved and I know that's how I rolled back then. So I cooked, I cleaned and I stocked the fridge with suds. Spike never showed though, he called me very late from a bar and he said he'd be there soon and then he STILL never showed. Cram a yam, I got stood up!
The toasty festive atmosphere began to curdle rapidly. The universe was pouring vinegar in my eggnog. I don't know why it hit me so hard. Why was the carpet not only pulled out from under me but also set on fire and placed over my head? A giant black vortex opened in the wall and tried to suck me through it. My instantly massive loneliness crushed down like a cartoon anvil. There I was, by myself, during a national holiday with an excess of alcohol and nothing to do but stew. Eventually my depression grabbed me by the nape of my neck and led me to the only fire escape not guarded by demonic trolls, the television…
I caught on to BUFFY early in its run but somewhere I had lost it. I must have hallucinated that I had more pressing things to do. Suddenly, it was the only thing on T.V. and I had no idea what was going on in the series by now but I was going to watch it anyway. The episode was from the third season and it was called "Amends." In it, Angel, the cursed vampire, is worn down with guilt and remorse to the degree that he goes to a hillside to await the sunrise so he can turn to dust. He has decided the world would be better off without him so why not? Buffy confronts him and tells him everybody goes through the same crap and screws up all the time and the important thing to do is just fight and most of all, that she's got his back (or something to that effect.) Talking Angel off the ledge takes too long though and with dawn breaking it doesn't seem like he'll make it indoors to safety in time. Then something happens, the sun won't be rising at all (Did I mention it's Christmas?) because for the first time ever in fictional Sunnydale's history, it's starting to snow…
I'm a lame-o and a light touch and snow is my Achilles heel forever. There I was munching down on mega melancholia and I just happened to stumble upon this cure. I wasn't so much moved as transferred to the other side of the psychological globe. That night's episode of BUFFY ended in the same way as that night's episode of UNKY, with divine intervention. I wasn't depressed at all anymore; I had a new favorite show.
After that I fanatically and ravenously caught up with all of the episodes of BUFFY I had missed and followed it to its (sob) conclusion in 2003. (My viewing of "Amends" did not take place during its original airing but during a repeat marathon of sorts.) I guess it might make more sense to watch that fateful episode "Amends" this time of year rather than "Pangs" but the latter fits in more with where I'm at today. The characters on BUFFY became my friends and family during a time when I really was for the most part alone in the world and watching them gather for Thanksgiving is strangely like gathering alongside them. I'm almost ashamed to admit this (and by almost I mean not really) but for a while I was consciously aware of the show surpassing the real world in importance to me. If you are a nerd with a favorite show you either know what I mean or are not as much as of a nerd as you think you are.
This post is a toast, a toast to my make believe family I guess. This Thanksgiving I give thanks to the Scoobies, for always being just a play button away.
So, what happened with that dude "Spike," the guy who left me at the cranberry sauce alter, high and dry on a cold night staring at a room temperature bird? I forgave him. While I'm talking about being thankful I might as well go that extra, after-school-special mile and talk about forgiveness too. I know carrying a grudge is more fashionable but I'm thankful that I ended up letting bygones be bygones. A year or so later he made "amends" and introduced me to Aunt John.
Kinder-Pix:: Pumpkin Parade 2010!
It's been one week since Halloween split town so I went out to photograph all the dead pumpkins it left in its wake. I was hoping for shots of rotting and mushed old timer faces, but all these guys look pretty good. Are they using more preservatives in pumpkins this year or is life just less rotten in general?
ALSO:: For the love of Skeletor, what is it with you folks who put pumpkins on your doorsteps and don't carve them? What is that? How can you look at a pumpkin and not shove a butcher knife into it? I know they rot when you cut into them, that's the point!
For last year's rotting pumpkin parade do the right thing and press HERE.
Unk-Nomicon :: Vol. 1
UNK SEZ:: Happy Halloween Kinder-Kiddies! I wanted to do a special post for y'all on this, the best day of the year but I came up with nada because some times my brain don't work so swell. Then all of the sudden I remembered that there was something I've been meaning to share with you fine folks for years now. A while back, while visiting my parents, I discovered my amazing movie clipping scrapbook in the attic and I brought it back to Kindertrauma Castle! The tome has now been dubbed "The Unk-Nomicon"…
Ya see, back when I was a mere critter I got the idea to cut out all the movie ads for horror movies that I saw in the paper and luckily I decided to do this in the best year ever! I present to you today as a Halloween treat the first eight pages to be followed up with eight pages next Sunday and so on until the book is transformed completely into computer-flavored, cyber information! Please enjoy the young Lancifer's hard work as I can assure you that nobody did back when it was being assembled.
Have a Happy Halloween you good people of Kinder-land and remember: Do not eat food with razor blades shoved in it because then your throat will be shredded into strips and blood will come gushing out of your mouth and you can't scream because you are drowning in your own blood today!
(AUNT JOHN SEZ: To see the images at their full resolutions, click the thumbs and then control/right click on the image & select View Image. Just do it!)
Kindertrauma Funhouse :: Halloween Marathon!
UNK SEZ:: Today's funhouse is special because it also serves as my ten picks for the perfect Halloween movie marathon! I should tell ya up front though, I did NOT include the actual HALLOWEEN series or the ROB ZOMBIE re-duo because you should already know to watch those! Anyhows get started and you shall end up with a super deluxe, Unk-approved Halloween viewing schedule!
