kindertrauma

Category: Holidays

Unk & Mickster's Halloween Candy Top Five

Posted on By unkle lancifer

It's that time of year again when I usually jump on a soapbox and plead with the civilized world for the banning of Mary Jane candy. Since all of my previous efforts to rid the Mary Jane scourge from trick or treat bags across the land have gone widely ignored thus far, I have chosen to take a different, more dignified path.

My imaginary friend Cloister, the three-eyed donkey often says, "Why be a negative Nellie when you can be a positive swellie?" Now, I usually don't listen to Cloister because Cloister also says things like, "Take the money!" "Put your hand in the fire!" and "Push Aunt John off the step stool!" but this time I think Cloister has a point. Instead of talking about the Halloween candy I hate why not talk about the candy I love?

Because C3-PO would be intolerable without R2-D2 I elicited the help of the legendary and by all accounts very real Kinderpal Mickster (Check out Mickster in Halloween garb HERE!) to aid in my venture into the world of not bitching about the grossest candy ever made, the Mary Jane. Both Mickster and I both thought long and hard and picked our favorite five Halloween candies. Below you'll find our choices and please keep them in mind when selecting what to distribute from you door this Halloween. Yo, Mickster, you're up first!

MICKSTER'S CANDY TOP FIVE

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups: Hey, you got your chocolate in my peanut butter…you got your peanut butter in my chocolate…two great tastes that taste great together! The orange packaging of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups makes me feel all warm and Halloweenie inside!

Candy corn: Whenever I see the yellow, orange, and white of candy corn, I automatically think of Halloween. Mmm-yummy sugar goodness!

Caramel Apples: Delicious and sticky caramel apples remind me of the Halloween Carnival at my elementary school. I looked forward to that carnival every year! Unfortunately, it is now called a "Fall Festival." I say boo and hiss to that! I would never accept a caramel apple trick-r-treating because of the trauma of seeing that kid's tongue in HALLOWEEN II.

Fun-sized candy bars: Fun-sized Snickers are simply fantastic! However, I am cautious if a hippie offers me one because of the warning given by Harris on the Tricks and Treats episode of FREAKS AND GEEKS. He warned Sam, Neil, and Bill that evil hippies were replacing fun-sized candy with chocolate-covered poop! Grody to the max!

Tootsie Pops: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop? I'll never know because like Mr. Owl from the classic commercial, I cannot resist crunching after lick number three!

UNK'S CANDY TOP FIVE

Lemon Heads: I've always related to Ferrara Pan's Lemon head candies. Like me, they are cheap as hell. Plus, I know I have a giant head even though most people avert their eyes and are polite about it. It's O.K., I've accepted it, we can't all be CHRISTOPHER GEORGE. I was once upon a time also a fan of Cherry Clan candies too but those dudes had to go away because one day everybody realized that they were racist.

Kit Kat bars: I probably sound like a commie pinko that you would like to burn at the stake but my opinion is that chocolate is no big thing. I don't hate it or anything; I just don't understand the crazy, Pavlovian response it usually gets from people. What's the big deal? It is rare or something? The stuff is everywhere. I would think coconut would be more of a delicacy because you have to scrape it out of that hairy shell. Anyway, I cannot fault the Kit Kat bar as it transcends chocolate's usual limitations with the help of that crispy wafer thing shoved inside it.

Smarties: These seem kind of like a rip off and sort of taste like chalk but they never fail to remind me of Halloween. Also, a little known fact is that they actually do make you smarter if you eat enough of them.

Sour Patch Kids: I blame all the suffering in my youth from the fact that Sour Patch Kids were not invented yet.

Bottle Caps: Bottle Caps are delicious like nobody's frickin' business and they taste fuzzy. Word on the street is that even people who hate root beer flavor candy enjoy root beer flavored Bottle Caps. These days it seems like they are only around during Halloween and can only be found in Willy Wonka assortment bags. I miss the classic squashed head packaging myself but I'll take them anyway I can!

Now it's your turn! Speak now or forever hold your peace. What is your Halloween Candy Top Five? Let us know what you like so that we'll be sure to hand it out this Halloween!

Happy Father's Day :: Where's My Brood At?

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Just when I was about to hit the hay on Friday I caught THE SHINING on cable and naturally I was trapped watching it until it was over. At some point I was miraculously brought back to the first time I ever saw it in the theater. I was under age at the time but my father was somehow able to get my brothers and I in. Did he slip the ticket taker a Washington or two? No, this story takes place in the good old days when nobody gave a crap. To be honest, the movie disturbs me much more now as an adult than it did when I was a kid. As a kid, it kind of disappointed me and here's why…

Flipping through some magazine, perhaps FANGO or STARLOG, I caught a picture from DAVID CRONENBERG's THE BROOD. The picture was of a bunch of the little brood brats coming through a doorway or something. Later, I saw the yellow poster for THE SHINING with the distorted face in it and I wrongly thought, "That's the movie with those creepy mutant kids in it that I saw in that magazine!" The trailer for THE SHINING with the elevator piqued my interest even further. I knew that when the elevator door opened all those creepy kids would jump out and wreck havoc! So when I finally got to see THE SHINING this is exactly what I was waiting for with doe-eyed, clammy anticipation. When the elevator scene finally did occur and NOBODY came out of the elevator, I was flattened like Silly Putty on a comic strip.

Poor confused me, I had built something up so big in my head and it was never meant to be. It was all my fault, my imagination whipped up this impossible coolness that no movie could ever possibly live up to. I mean really, if THE BROOD kids came out of that elevator in THE SHINING the sheer awesomeness of that event would probably tear the universe in half.

I learned a valuable lesson that day and I've only made that same mistake of forging impossible expectations out of shear obliviousness a couple thousand more times over the years. By the way, THE SHINING, I should give you some credit for freaking me out with the guy in the dog costume bit, I certainly wasn't anticipating that. Oh, and the old lady, mission accomplished with that one too. O.K. SHINING, I'll admit it, you were really scary but you would have been even scarier with some BROOD kids thrown into the mix.

What I really wanted to say is how cool was my Dad for taking me to see THE SHINING? I'm sure some might tsk tsk such a thing but look how well adjusted I turned out! O.K., well maybe I'm not the best example but look at how well adjusted my brothers turned out. Uh, maybe that's not such a good idea either. Well, actually screw the well adjusted! Can anyone really stand those people anyway? I just want to push them down a flight of stairs.

So thanks DAD! Thanks for taking me to see THE SHINING. That movie is not exactly the best commercial for Dads but you took me anyway. Now that I mention it, I kind of remember having a new found fear of you after seeing NICHOLSON go bonkers, so if that was the idea all along, all I have to say is, "Well played sir, well played."

Thanks for taking me to see GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER, JAWS and PROPHECY too. Those are some of the strongest memories from my youth. It may not be traditional family fare but I also recognize that you taught me how to BEHAVE in a theater and I think that was more important than anything MARY POPPINS could teach me. Really, I think all of those horror and sci-fi movies trained me to approach the world with a bit of awe and respect and I'm glad I wasn't force fed the, "It's all about ME!" dreck that is considered so appropriate for kids.

Thanks for telling me ghost stories too and for not throwing away my FANGOS. I know I wasn't the most normal kid in the world but as the saying goes, "I learned it by watching you!"

Happy Arbogast Day!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Another year, another Arbogast Day. For those of you who have not been reading kindertrauma since it's inception way back in 1997, every year on the day after Mother's Day we celebrate our ongoing obsession with fellow blogger Arbogast of ARBOGAST ON FILM. We do that by participating in his "The One I Might Have Saved" blog-a-thon that asks bloggers to write an ode for a film character whose death they'd stop if they could.

I personally love the concept behind "The One I Might Have Saved" because I love movie characters. In fact, I may even like movie characters better than "real" people (movie characters never smell and you can mute them.) Arbogast's idea presents a great opportunity to talk about an aspect of cinema that should be discussed more often; how we connect to people through film on a personal level. Anyway, here's my pick for 2010…

LANCE HENRIKSEN "Bishop" ALIENS (1986)

I can't tell you the deep devastation I felt at the moment I first witnessed Bishop's truly shocking death in JAMES CAMERON's ALIENS. (Although his head would go on to do a cameo in ALIEN 3, that does little to weaken the blow.) Here was a character that I grew to love and feel great empathy for over the course of the film. ALIENS is a movie that's difficult to take in lightly; it's an expansive journey that registers as a full experience. By the time the credits roll you have spent some serious quality time with its characters and the investment truly pays off. In the case of Bishop, our perceptions of him change over of the course of the adventure (along with Ripley's.) It's important to note though that Bishop himself does not transform, it's the audiences understanding of him which is altered.

Ripley (SIGOURNEY WEAVER) has proven herself a highly tuned moral compass in the first ALIEN. We trust her without pause to point out the bullshit and lead the way. Because of her negative experience with an android in the first film she takes a clear dislike of Bishop as soon as she learns about that part of his identity. The viewer is meant to hold him with suspicion as well, but we get an early glimpse at his mettle when he declares he prefers to be called the more self-respectful "artificial person" rather than a "synthetic." Our hero Ripley may be prejudiced in the truest sense of word but give her a break, not every bigot has a 57 year coma for an excuse and she does convert her views based on the information she witnesses herself.

We are shown the worst of humanity in the form of the weasely, backstabbing opportunist Carter Burke (PAUL REISER). Bishop, who really does come off as a Zen-like holy man, is shown as his direct opposite. Bishop may be "programmed" to assist and care for humans but he's also programmed for self-preservation. When mid way through the film he volunteers for a mission he's unlikely to survive, there's no question that it's above the call of duty. Not to take anything away from the mostly courageous Marines that loose their lives battling the monster swarm, but as was proven in the first film, it takes more than firepower to survive in the ALIEN universe. Much like Ripley herself, Bishop is a cerebral entity first and an action figure second. He may not carry a weapon but he's smart enough to be in the right place at the right time and he ultimately saves the day.

Like the Replicants in RIDLEY SCOTT's BLADE RUNNER, Bishop forces you to contemplate what makes us human. Considering the behavior of the treacherous Burke we might even wonder if being "human" is anything to be proud of. There's a nobility to Bishop that raises him above those who would call him "false" just because he is different. His sudden evisceration by the Queen Alien, though horrific, is not without its almost crucifixion like beauty. His "otherness" is eventually shown to be an integral strength as even after being torn in half he is still capable of lending Ripley and Newt a life saving helping hand. ALIENS is a rare action movie where a character's actions actually mean something. Bishop allows us to see that being "human" may have less to do with how we are built and more to do with our behavior.

NOTE: At the end of the movie we are shown Bishop's remaining torso being put into sleep along side survivor Cpl. Hicks (MICHAEL BEIHN) so maybe I just wrote this whole thing about someone who didn't die at all. Oh well, he got torn in half for crying out loud, isn't that bad enough?

NOTE 2: Aunt John is at sleepaway camp and can't add his "The One I Might Have Saved" to this year's addition, but I can tell you whom he would have chosen anyway. He was very upset by Megan (GRETA GERWIG)'s death in THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL. He thought the movie really lost something when she died.

NOTE 3: Check out many more "The One I Might Have Saved" tributes at Arbogast's wonderful blog HERE and have a Happy Arbogast Day!

Kinder-News :: BRIAN DE PALMA's TOOTSIE 2: THE CURSE OF DOROTHY MICHAELS Heading Straight To DVD!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Originally conceived as an Oscar hopeful BRIAN DE PALMA's TOOTSIE 2: THE REVENGE OF DOROTHY MICHAELS, after several disastrous test screenings and a multitude of release date changes, is finally heading straight to DVD in early June. This is a giant step backward for a 200 million dollar production once poised to go head to head with JAMES CAMERON's AVATAR in theaters. "The plug needs to be pulled on this abomination," says an insider, "any money spent advertising this doorway into hell is going right down the toilet."

TOOTSIE 2 has been a lightening rod for turmoil ever since its inception. The original script by JEFF BUHAI (REVENGE OF THE NERDS, EDDIE) was strong enough to lure the once resistant, high-priced talents of DUSTIN HOFFMAN and JESSICA LANGE to return to their roles. For reasons only known to DE PALMA that script was scrapped at the last minute in favor of an overhauled version by DAVID SELF (1999's THE HAUNTING), which eliminated comedic elements in favor of direction that was more in line with a psychological thriller. LANGE unhappy with the new direction bowed out, her only official statement being, "There's not enough money in the world," and was replaced by frequent DE PALMA collaborator MELANIE GRIFFITH.

SELF's script was eventually leaked onto the Internet and greeted with fan outrage. The story finds the popular character of Michael Dorsey decades after the events of the original TOOTSIE. Although the still-working actor has enjoyed a small amount of success on a prime time drama called "Higgon's Point," its cancellation has left him grief stricken. "It's harder for actors of a certain age to find quality roles," reveals HOFFMAN in an exclusive Kindertrauma all-access, on-set interview, "TOOTSIE 2 confronts that reality head on." Learning in the local trades of a plum part in a Broadway production of IBSEN's A DOLLS HOUSE, Dorsey auditions only to be rejected on sight. After a bit of sleuthing he learns from a stagehand that the role of "Nora" is only being offered to actors of the female persuasion. "That's when the spirit of Dorothy begins to speak to me again," confides HOFFMAN. "That's how she gets inside my head!" (As if to illustrate, HOFFMAN bangs his head into a craft services table repeatedly.)

Suddenly every actress who is up for the role is being murdered by a shadowy trench coat wearing, flame-haired figure with a straight razor. Terror hits even closer to home when Michael's wife Julie (GRIFFITH) reveals that she too has her eye on the part. Has Michael's alter ego "Dorothy" returned to kill all who stand in his way? "I can't tell you that!" says HOFFMAN, "but I can tell you that Dorothy is alive and well and living inside Michael, whether she's a crazed, blood thirsty killer or just a friendly entity on hand to help solve the riddle is the film's big mystery!" GRIFFITH is equally tight lipped. "I'm not in the end of the movie!" she says, "That much I remember."

The roster of victims in TOOTSIE 2 reads like an Oscar Who's Who: MARISA TOMEI, MIRA SORVINO, HALLE BERRY and HUNTs LINDA and HELEN all fall prey to the figure crew members have dubbed "the wig." Word has it that TOMEI's death is particularly gruesome. "BRIAN's plan was to outdo HITCHCOCK," says TOMEI chewing on what could either be a soft pretzel or a knish. "Only instead of a shower," she continued, "he'd use a bidet. Although seen by a precious few, TOMEI's bidet death has already garnered much attention, it is claimed that DE PALMA shot over four hundred hours of footage for the three minute scene. "Sometimes a director can fool the audience by killing off his biggest star right off the bat, the audience is like, 'Wow, now who am I supposed to care about?'" TOMEI plops the last morsel of whatever it was she was eating (an Egg McMuffin?) and smiles mischievously, "I'm not allowed to tell you if that's what happens in THE TOOTSIES (sic) but I will say that my fans better bring plenty of Kleenex!"

Ultimately no amount of high wattage star power seems likely to save TOOTSIE 2 from its straight to DVD fate. Five alternative endings were filmed and all were greeted with equal amounts of disdain from preview audiences. "I've never seen a film that doesn't involve WILL FERRELL score this low," said one insider. "I'd call it a train wreck but that would imply that it once had the power to function." Somehow DE PALMA is able to stay optimistic, "We've still got a couple weeks to turn this decision around, Michael's inner Dorothy wouldn't let him give up and let me tell you my inner Dorothy, who I refer to simply as "Dot", is equally willful. We' haven't even tried this thing in 3-D yet, that will be the true test!"

HOFFMAN who is a credited producer and is currently writing a comic book tie in that will fill in Dorothy's "lost years" between the two films agrees. "As an actor you know when a character has outlived their welcome and I don't see that ever happening with Dorothy. I've made sure that each and every ending we've filmed whether on the Earth or on the moon includes a shot of her hand coming up from the grave." When asked what direction he sees the franchise going in the future Hoffman offers up this Kindertrauma exclusive. "I'm talking to JULIE ANDREWS right now about returning to the role of Victor from VICTOR VICTORIA, people have been asking me for years, who would win in a fight, Dorothy or Victor? If I have my way, we're all going to find out!"

Happy St. Patty's Day!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Is it possible for Kindertrauma to celebrate St. Patrick's Day without bringing up either LEPRECHAUN or DARBY O'GILL AND THE LITTLE PEOPLE? I thought not, but then your brilliant Aunt John came up with the brainstorm of ST. PATTY DUKE DAY! You read that right; today we celebrate the work of Hollywood legend PATTY DUKE.

This once child star went on to win an Oscar and multiple Emmys, she recorded gold records, wrote best selling books, she became the president of the Screens Actor's Guild and she was an early activist for mental health issues particularly bipolar disorder. If that's not enough, she can also lay claim to doing the horizontal hokey pokey with Gomez Addams (JOHN ASTIN).

Her progeny have gone on to star in motion pictures both small (THE LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY) and large (THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE.) Luckily for traumatots everywhere, over the decades DUKE has also done her fair share of work (mostly for television) in our favorite genre. Let's take a look at some of the great horrors glittering in St. PATTY's pot of gold!

YOU'LL LIKE MY MOTHER (1972)

This one sure plays like a seventies television movie but truth is, it actually did get a limited theatrical run. Based on a novel by NOAMI A. HINTZ, this colder than a shamrock shake thriller finds a preggo DUKE crashing into the ultimate ice queen mother-in-law (ROSEMARY MURPHY) with nail chomping suspense as a result. Modern viewers may find the pace slower than a glacier thaw but if you stick around till the end you will witness RICHARD "John Boy Walton" THOMAS giving ANTHONY PERKINS a run for his money in the twisted momma's boy department. Perfect for a snowy night couch ride if you are able to track down the out-of-print VHS tape.

LOOK WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ROSEMARY'S BABY (1976)

Forget the baby, look what's happened to Rosemary; she's turned into PATTY DUKE! Eight years after the legendary film ROSEMARY'S BABY left theaters, a television sequel surfaced just in time to cash in on recent theatrical hit THE OMEN. Yes, it's a major step down from its predecessor but if it makes you feel any better, ROSEMARY author IRA LEVIN's own stab at continuing the tale SON OF ROSEMARY, was pretty dang awful too. This boob tube mish-mash would try the patience of any saint but you certainly can't blame whoever was in charge of casting! Look for future PONTYOOL star STEPHEN McHATTIE as the title kid all grown up and ready to glam rock, check out RAY MILLAND filling in for SIDNEY BLACKMER as RUTH GORDON's creepy Castevet hubby, and hey, you even get a well deserved dose of TINA LOUISE.

I caught this one on T.V. when I was growing up and although I don't think I stayed awake for the whole crazy affair I remember being truly scared by the scene where Rosemary takes a ride to nowhere, trapped inside a satanic bus (is there any other kind?)

CURSE OF THE BLACK WIDOW (1977)

Director DAN CURTIS (TRILOGY OF TERROR, BURNT OFFERINGS) is nothing less than a kindertrauma legend, nearly everything he touches turns to gold. CURSE OF THE BLACK WIDOW will never be considered his shiniest coin, but who are we to say no to a Reagley-Beagley look at seventies pick up bars, especially when said bars are being preyed upon by a man-eater who transforms into a giant spider! Could PATTY who plays DONNA MILLS uptight, spinster-y twin sister be in the center of this sticky web? Let's just say DUKE has some great gams…eight to be exact.

THE BABYSITTER (1980)

Hold on to your man PATTY DUKE even if he is WILLIAM SHATNER! STEPHANIE ZIMBALIST plays a 19-year-old home wrecking babysitter (you'd be riled too if you had to sit for QUINN CUMMINGS!) in this ahead of its time predatory usurper tale. Can PATTY keep her perfect nest from being picked apart by a younger chickie? Will drinking heavily and throwing furniture help? DUKE releases her cuckoo Kraken in this darker than you think, double cheese classic. Extra points rewarded for providing a resting spot for JOHN HOUSEMAN between THE FOG and GHOST STORY.

AMITYVILLE 4: THE EVIL ESCAPES (1989)

It says a lot about the overall quality of THE AMITYVILLE HORROR franchise that this installment, which involves a haunted lamp, is far from the worst in the so-called series. Oh, it's pretty terrible, but unlike some of the others, it makes up for its lack of common sense with an irresistible onslaught of high camp hilarity. It may not be good but damn if it isn't entertaining.

DUKE is recent widower Nancy Evans who, strapped for cash, uproots her three intolerable children and moves in with her mother (JAYNE WYATT). Unbeknownst to all is the fact that Grammy just accepted a gift straight from an Amityville garage sale, complete with an evil entity stowaway poised to cause havoc! This devil faced, coat rack looking lamp is so devious that it somehow recruits all of the homes other appliances in its sinister crusade against the family. Frustratingly though, it's only the hired help and a luckless parakeet who die horrible deaths.

Maybe that's how it should be, DUKE has taken on and conquered more in her real life than anything thrown at her in AMITYVILLE 4. As soon as she gets a grasp of what's going on, there can only be one conclusion and that's lights out lamp! It's a testament to PATTY's professionalism that even when knee deep in hokum she plows forward delivering the same amount of gusto she would any role. Inanimate objects beware.

This is merely a handful of DUKE's output, she appeared in the bee-movie disaster THE SWARM (more on that one another day), the REAR WINDOW T.V. wannabe 1974's NIGHTMARE and she guest starred on spooky series like THE SIXTH SENSE, GHOST STORY and NIGHT GALLERY.

PATTY's episode of NIGHT GALLERY "Diary" is one of my favorites as she portrays a bitchy gossip columnist who gets a delicious comeuppance. Give yourself a St. PATTY's Day treat by watching it below on HULU. Make sure you stick around after DUKE's segment to see CESAR ROMERO as Dracula, HELL NIGHT's VINCE VAN PATTEN taking on JOHN CARRADINE in the RICHARD MATHESON penned "Big Surprise" and lastly, CARL REINER in a classic salute to H.P. LOVECRAFT where he literally turns green!

HAPPY ST. PATTY DUKE DAY TO ALL!

Hospital Massacre

Posted on By unkle lancifer

There's one last Valentine chocolate in the box and it's called HOSPITAL MASSACRE, known in some parts as X-RAY; it's working title was the sublime BE MY VALENTINE…OR ElSE! Directed by BOAZ DAVIDSON (by the way, I'm still broken hearted by the conclusion to BOAZ's THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN…how could you, DIANE FRANKLIN !?!), this early eighties shocker has somehow avoided DVD capture though its giant silver MGM VHS box can be spotted hiding out in the back alleys of Amazon.

Kids, we're talking a 1982 slasher that takes place in a hospital, is centered around a second rate holiday and kicks off with a prologue revealing a unsettled grudge from the past! Sounds like it can't fail right? Sure it can! HOSPITAL MASSACRE puts the "ail" in fail but it's just so screwy and peculiar that I can almost forgive it for cutting into my valuable PS3 time. Let's take a look at the symptoms, shall we?

BARBI BENTON

As if sashaying her way through HEE-HAW and FANTASY ISLAND wasn't enough to enrapture me, BARBI BENTON (born Barbara Klien) also starred in the uber-incredible DEATHSTALKER. Plus, the gal's got….er….PIPES!

TWO OF THE THREE BLOODY BIRTHDAY KIDS!

In H.M.'s opening we learn that when BARBI's character Suzy was a child, a spurned admirer killed her brother on Valentine's Day. I thought it fortuitous enough to find BLOODY BIRTHDAY's super creepy SUSAN HOY playing young Suzy when suddenly up pops the ever-brilliant BILLY JACOBY as the crazed, can't take a hint psycho. Horror-synchronicity at its finest!

MY BLOODY VALENTINE NOD

Early in the film an elevator ride is cut short when the doors slide open to show three men in HARRY WARDEN gas masks, a nice playful jab at that other earlier released Valentine horror film!

LET ME OUT!

Poor Suzy just stopped by the hospital to pick up some routine test results but because her stalker switched her X-rays, the doctors, along with their seven foot tall nurses, won't let her leave! H.M. may think it's a slasher but it's really a SNAKE PIT movie at heart. Which is good because SNAKE PIT movies are as campy as they want to be and that's why I love them. (Slap me five 1985's HELLHOLE with JUDY LANDERS and RAY SHARKEY and 1990's COMMITTED with JENNIFER O'NEIL and RON PALILLO!!!)

THE FREAKS SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH!

So what if the surgeon killer is more goofy than scary, the chanting occult soundtrack is wildly inappropriate and the pacing, on occasion gets slower than an IV drip. HOSPITAL MASSACRE has a kooky KAFKA on Quaaludes vibe that should carry lovers of cult film straight on through to the other side. I was a doubter myself until BARBI stumbled into a room with three patients bandaged head to toe that just start convulsing like break dancing marionettes. Like most of the film, it's surreal, funny and not meant to be taken too seriously. Plus, in HOSPITAL MASSACRE you get a decapitated head in a hat box, that's a pretty good Valentine gift, right?