Category: Kids Who Kill

 

 30 DAYS OF NIGHT may not have set the world on fire in its theatrical run, but it's sure to find its proper brethren now that it's available for home viewing. Moody, grim and host to some old-school level gore, it's a worthy addition to any horror collection and a must see for vampire enthusiasts. The vampiric creatures that inhabit the film are an interesting lot and none more so than the scene swiping ABBEY-MAY WAKEFIELD. While JOSH HARTNET and crew are pillaging the local grocery for supplies, they encounter the little eight-year-old mid artery-splicing dinner. Her response to the rude interruption is to go all Tasmanian Devil on their asses. There's only one way to settle down the tantrum prone undead and it involves an ax. Her "You wanna play with me now?" line is almost a direct lift from Kinder-fave Cage's cranky phone threat in PET SEMATARY, but we're so smitten we've decided to chalk it up as being a knowing homage. Apologies are in order, if we were better informed or at least more prone to seeing films that were made after 1989, we would have certainly included you, Ms. WAKEFILED, on our KIDS OF HORROR:: BEST OF 2007 list. As it stands, this after the fact shout-out will have to suffice. Please don't bite us!  

A desperate woman slowly loosing her grip on reality; is she being haunted or is she just plain nutzo? A young boy seemingly possessed by a deceased adult male; is he a monster or a victim? You've seen these screws turned before no doubt, but here the guy manning the screwdriver is Italian film legend MARIO BAVA and the results may surprise you. SHOCK, released in America as BEYOND THE DOOR 2 has little to do with its EXORCIST cash-in predecessor BEYOND THE DOOR, save for the presence of child actor DAVID COLIN JR. This is BAVA's last film and some of it was helmed by his son/protégé, the also very talented LAMBERTO BAVA. Two BAVAs for the price of one? Count me in! Unlike the Big B's best work, you're unlikely to find yourself salivating over every scene, but that's as it should be as the story really doesn't call for it. There's a natural everyday vibe here not usually associated with the director. No worries, though. When the gloves come off, we are treated to nearly every camera trick in the book, and though some may find their patience tested during the slow build up, few will be dissatisfied by film's conclusion. One scene in particular is a visual doozy and is a testament to what can be achieved without optical effects when real creativity is involved. DARIA NICOLODI, frequent collaborator with DARIO ARGENTO (one such collaboration was named ASIA), is a joy to watch sliding down the slippery slope to cuckoo town. The insular, claustrophobic, constant grinding of her psyche brings POLANSKI's REPULSION to mind. Her bizarre, sometimes apparently incestuously-inclined offspring fares equally well. COLIN JR.'s lack of acting chops is easily compensated for by the fact that he's just one of the freakiest looking kids ever. If his jack-o'-lantern old man mug and MARJOE GORTNER locks don't get under your skin, then it's gotta be cuz you're all crazy looking yourself. SHOCK is a great farewell card from a true artist. It may not burst with the power of some of his earlier work, but its stealthy psychological approach sets it apart from the pack.

• The soundtrack by GOBLIN-infected rock band LIBRA is a rocking jack-in-a-box
• Razor blade in a piano keyboard!
• Window replaced by brick wall followed by floating box-cutter
• Voodoo swing set threatens to down an airplane
• Yikes! Haunted Slinky®!

 

If you're going to do a remake of a sci-fi/horror classic you couldn't find a better man for the job than JOHN CARPENTER. CARPENTER's THE THING is arguably the best remake of all time and the go to answer when questioning whether "reimaginings" should even exists. But let's face it, even God himself has his off days and although J.C.'s VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED has a few good moments, it's certainly a far cry from the master's best work. The set up works great and fans will immediately recognize and feel at home with the same gorgeous coastal surroundings he took advantage of in THE FOG. As in that film, we are introduced to a large group of interlapping characters that are about to be confronted with an outside force whose intentions are at first shrouded in mystery. Much like his approach to THE THING, Carpenter returns to the original story the film was based on (in this case, JOHN WYNDHAM's THE MIDWICH CUCKOOS) for inspiration whenever he can. A priest character deemed too sacrilegious to appear in the 1960 telling is finally represented here. He even makes attempts to conquer the first film's major criticism of shirking the female perspective on events all to no avail. Sadly, as soon as the first badly wigged baby appears, all these good intentions go up in smoke. This film hinges on the creep factor provided by the children, but rather than deliver chills these kids deliver guffaws. It's not simply because the iconic white hair does not translate well to color film, it becomes exceedingly clear that without the commanding power of a child actor like the original's MARTIN STEPHENS the whole house of cards crumbles. It doesn't help that the film jumps about franticly, never allowing the more interesting elements to congeal and instead routinely lingers on the inconsequential, or that the adult cast with the possible exception of the suspiciously BARBEAU-esgue MERIDITH SALINGER fade into the woodwork. There are still plenty of CARPENTER hallmarks about to keep you from completely losing interest, from his usual full use of the widescreen to the out of date yet still effective musical cues. If this was any other director, I would probably devour this movie's constant camp insanity but considering the potential of the material and the genius behind the wheel, this interesting failure's dull glow truly disappoints. 

• STREETS OF FIRE fans beware MICHAEL PARE's screen time here is shorter than a FIRE INC. song!
• Man falls asleep on open grill
• CHRISTOPER REEVE (in his last role before his accident) and David (THOMAS DEKKER) chat in the cemetery under rolling clouds. Where's the rest of THIS movie?
• Jedi mind tricks force MARK HAMILL to blow his brains out!
• Rather than drive into a brick wall as in the original, hapless PETER JASON hits a poorly placed fuel tank DUKES OF HAZZARD style!

 

One day all of the citizenry of the super sleepy town of Midwich passed out dead in their tracks and took to an involuntary siesta. After awakening, all the women within child bearing years discovered a mysterious bun in their ovens. (The unmarried had some 'splaining to do). Falling asleep and waking up pregnant can be disheartening (just ask my cousin Ida), but the ladies of Midwich take their mass rape with typical English aplomb. When the children are born, it is clear that they are far from normal; in fact, they're blonde AND smart, a chillingly unnatural combination. As they get older, they begin to show further signs of otherworldliness, roaming the streets in flocks like junior Jehovah's witnesses. Residents begin to fear these Aryan-looking oddballs who begin to unabashedly strut their psychic and telekinetic powers all about town. This unrest and distrust is worsened when it's learned that if the creepy kids have a problem with you, they force you to drive your car into a wall or blow your brains out. In fact, it is suspected that Midwich is just a stepping-stone and what the kids really have their radiant eyes on is the whole globe. Are they from outer space? Can they be stopped? Based on a novel by the great JOHN WYNDHAM entitled THE MIDWICH CUCKOOS (on account of Cuckoo birds are such slackers that they make other birds raise their kids) and featuring excellent performances from future INNOCENTS star MARTIN STEPHENS and future suicide GEORGE SANDERS, VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED is creepy, compelling and surprisingly thought provoking. In fact, it's impossible to think of any demonic child movie that doesn't have this 1960 sci-fi "What if?" flick's greasy paw prints all over it. Like INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS before it, it's the absence of humanity and emotion, not to mention individuality (Commie!) that unnerves here. Although there's no over estimating the power of super-imposed, glowing eyeballs over a still framed black and white image of a cherubic child either.

• Plane flies over slumbering Midwich, pilot nods off and plane goes boom!
• Mom with psychic assistance, attempts to scald own hand after accidentally presenting infant with a too hot baby bottle
• A HELLRAISER like Chinese puzzle box reveal the kids communal learning skills
• SANDER's imagining of a brick wall to block off munchkin's Jedi mind tricks.
• Miniature house explodes into flames

Coming across more as a garden-variety suburban asshole with a blonde bowl cut than misunderstood boy plagued with autism, Jamie Benjamin (SAMMY SNYDERS) is a 12-year-old social pariah. His parents have a difficult time keeping babysitters, the kids at school would rather punch him in his squirrely face than be his friend, and the town librarian has him pegged for the preteen pervert that he actually is. This is not to say that Jamie is devoid of social interactions, he does have a stuffed bear named Teddy that talks back to him and he has a custodial relationship with a pack of hairy creatures (think CHA-KA from LAND OF THE LOST on a bender) he calls the Tra-la-logs that live in an isolated pit in the woods.

When his parents hightail it to Seattle to look for a new house, Jamie is left in the care of nubile babysitter/housekeeper Sandra O'Reilly (JEANNIE ELIAS) a raspy-voiced co-ed working on a degree in psychology. Rocking a face like ANNIE POTTS and a body like JOYCE DeWITT, Sandra quickly becomes the obsession du jour for the hormonal Jamie and he takes to watching her sleep, peeping on her in the shower and asking for her help with bathing. When Sandra rebuffs his advances, Jamie turns his attention back to the nutritional needs of the Tra-la-logs and experiments first with candy bars and then with raw meat from the butcher.

After Jamie gets busted for stealing money from Sandra to support the Tra-la-logs insatiable meat habit, he starts shoving his enemies into the pit. First to go is the librarian's ginger-haired niece, and then wheelchair-bound Mrs. Oliphant followed by Sandra's football-playing beau. Jamie emerges from the woods after each kill with a trophy from the victim, which at first looks like an earmark of a serial killer in the making. Turns out he's just stockpiling evidence to eventually frame one of Sandra's subsequent, and heavily mustachioed, suitors. Speaking of Sandra, she eventually slips into the pit and is torn to shreds before Jamie's eyes, and that is where Jamie should have gotten a clue. But no, Jamie decides to throw a rope into the pit to free the Tra-la-logs. They climb to the surface and go on a killing spree claiming stoner skinny dippers and a girl in super-short jogging shorts.

A pack of deputized vigilantes wielding shot guns hunt down the hirsute terrors, pump ‘em full of lead, and a back-ho is brought in to bury them and seal off the pit. The movie could have ended there, but thankfully THE PIT just keeps on going and delivers Jamie to his grandparents' house where he encounters an equally as creepy girl cousin. The two take off through a cornfield and into a wooded area that looks eerily similar to one where Jamie used to hang. So similar (read: low budget), that this neck of the woods also has a similarly shaped pit inhabited by (umm… honestly, who didn't see this coming?) Tra-la-logs. The strength of the absurd script rests squarely on the shoulders of the young SAMMY SNYDERS, and his utterly loathsome portrayal of Jamie will either have you laughing or applauding the final frame of the film.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• Aided by a well-synced tape recording and a pay phone, Jamie manipulates the schoolmarmish librarian with the smoking-body to peel off her aerobics unitard so he may take some naughty Polaroids
• Jamie takes Mrs. Oliphant for a push
• The talking Teddy bear moves his head
• Sandra foolishly agrees to wash Jamie's back in the tub
• Sandra's over-the-top screams as she is pulled to bits by the Tra-la-logs
• The ending!

Earlier: TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Devon on The Pit

Show me a person who bagged out on their senior prom because of the early ‘80s slasher-flick PROM NIGHT, and I'll show you a person who agreed to a secret pact to cover up a murder they committed with their childhood pals. Our film commences in an abandoned monastery, though it looks more like a hospital, where grade school chums Wendy, Nick, Kelly, and Jude are playing a fairly innocuous game of hide-and-go-seek dubbed "The Killer is Coming." An uninvited Robin Hammond joins in on the action, and the foursome proceeds to back her out of a second story window. Rather than get help for the visibly breathing Robin, the four take an impromptu oath to conceal their involvement, and peddle home on their banana-seat bikes. A large, clucky window falls on Robin, so she doesn't survive, and her murder is erroneously blamed on some serial pedophile that gets sent up the river for the crime. Flash forward to present, and Alexander Hamilton High School is in the grips of prom season. Kim Hammond (JAMIE LEE CURTIS), older sister of the deceased Robin, has been elected prom queen, and Nick, one of her sister's killers, will be her prom king. To make matters more awkward, Nick just broke up with Wendy, another of one of the kiddie killers, and Wendy is not taking her dumping sitting down. Wendy enlists the help of high school truant Lou and his cronies to pull off some sort of CARRIE WHITE shenanigans when the king and queen are crowned. Thankfully, the pedophile who took the wrap for the murder, just so happened to coincidentally escape from a mental institution and was last seen driving towards Alexander Hamilton High in a powder-blue punch buggy. Oh, and all four of the childhood killers have been receiving breathy phone calls from a man asking them if they "still like to play games" and finding their yearbook book photos taped inside their lockers with shards of broken mirror. The big night finally arrives, and as JAMIE LEE struts her bestest disco moves in high school auditorium, the three girls involved in her sister's death are methodically slashed and dispatched. The second half of the films begs the viewer to figure out who could be behind these killings. Is it the pedophile seeking vengeance? Is it Kim's father and high school principal Raymond Hammond (a notably miscast LESLIE NEILSEN)? Is it Kim herself? (Editor's note: JAMIE LEE does sort of look like a dude from certain angles). I'll never tell, but to quote from the haunting disco anthem that permeates the school auditorium, "Prom Night… Everything's All Right!" INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• The opening sequence with the kids tormenting and killing Robin is a must-see. The repeated intonations of, "The Killer is Coming… The Killer is Coming," is downright creepy
• Jude's death in the back of her date's super-awesome raper van
• The protracted chase scene of super-bitch Wendy by the mysterious killer
• The disco floor, complete with sunken lighting, in the Hamilton High auditorium
• JAMIE LEE's show-stopping dance routine, with obligatory close-up as her partner Nick twirls her like a pizza
• The decapitated head tumbling down the prom catwalk
• The prom's signature song:

 

Although the ever-popular traumatizer POLTERGEIST CLOWN DOLL never reappeared in the subsequent POLTERGEIST sequels (one assumes he was destroyed with the house…weep!), a reasonable facsimile (direct rip-off) does wreak havoc in the Boston-shot, Italian-produced lesser spook ride GHOSTHOUSE. Along with a creepy unsympathetic ghost girl, this clown doll maliciously murders all who stray into his home in this schlock-athon directed by CANNIBAL kingpin UMBERTO LENZI. GREG SCOTT stars as ham radio enthusiast Paul who stumbles across a broadcast of several people screaming in horror while fiddling with his dials. He follows the signal to a house where several squatters have taken up residence. Recognizing the voices as their own, the rag tag team of camping buds stand in line to be systematically slaughtered by the polter-tyke and her terrible toy. Deliciously gory, yet routinely moronic, you'll only hurt your brain trying to make sense of the characters behaviors and the elusive storyline. More like a brainstorm of unconnected horror ideas spit across the screen, when it works you'll be on the edge of your seat cheering, and when it fails you'll be on the edge of your pillow napping. Sure it's a mangled incoherent mess and five hours too long, but really who among us is strong enough to resist the pull of a killer clown doll movie? They're just too few and too far between to quibble about such non-necessities as competent, rational storytelling. 

   INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• Whenever the ghost girl and her evil clown dolly appear, they are accompanied by what is referred to in the movie as a nursery rhyme like song. In fact, it sounds neither like a song nor a rhyme, and more closely resembles a robotic voiced child in the back of a car asking over and over again, "Are we here? Are we there yet?"
• Someone please explain Pepe the hitchhiker to me.
• Not scared of kids and dolls? The handyman is a maniac who will kill you with a cleaver that is for some reason referred to as an axe
• Not scared of handymen? There's also a ghostly Doberman Pinscher to contend with
• Not scared of dogs? Don't worry an unexplained maggoty-faced grim reaper stops by!
• Head in a washing machine!

 

         

Opening with documentary footage of children suffering in Auschwitz, India, Korea and Vietnam, WHO CAN KILL A CHILD? promises to be a grim experience. Once you get past those initial scenes it is thankfully less savage than one would imagine, and a rather well directed film. Thematically, it's actually a kissing cousin to animal revenge films like THE BIRDS. Here children (who it is pointed out suffer the most in times of war) collectively decide enough is enough and set out to kill all existing adults rather than continue to be doormats and pawns. This Spanish precursor to CHILDREN OF THE CORN begins as a young couple Tom (LEWIS FLANDER) and Evelyn (AMY STEELE clone PRUNELLA RANSOME) decide to take a holiday on a remote island. She is pregnant with his child and although he was originally not too keen on bringing an infant into such a mad world, he has since warmed up to the idea. Upon reaching their destination they find a somewhat deserted seaside town. It's actually only the adults who are M.I.A. as children roam the streets randomly and in packs. Eventually, through the testimonial of an adult survivor, they learn that the children just snapped one night and went on a non-stop killing spree. Their attack was easily successful because, as the bloodied witness points out, "Who could kill a child?" Well, it turns out Tom could, especially when his wife and unborn son are on the chopping block and he's left no other choice. After the survivor is lead away by his daughter to be hacked to death by a kiddie mob, Tom and Evelyn decide to cut the R&R short and head for the mainland, which proves less than easy. The audience is delivered one suspenseful scene after another, until a grisly finale that harks back to NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD occurs. This all may sound exploitive, but it's not. Anyone who feels squeamish about the demise of the underage in this movie need only rewind to the film's news footage introduction to see what real horror is.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• That creepy kid fishing; what the hell is in his tackle basket?
• The oldster who gets bludgeoned with his own cane
• The kid's interpretation of a piñata party
• Isolated normal kids are recruited by some ambiguous psychic means and stagnantly pose in what must be a salute to HITCHCOCK'S famous birds on a jungle gym scene.
• Evelyn is attacked from within
• The po-po come to save the day! (Well…maybe not)

On the surface, the Davis family is living the early 1970s California dream. Husband Frank (JOHN P. RYAN) is a chain-smoking, high-powered public relations executive, and his very pregnant wife Lenore (SHARON FARRELL) is ready to pop with their second child. Their middle class world is rocked when Lenore literally spawns a monster that savagely murders all of the doctors and nurses in the delivery room before escaping through a skylight. With the police out looking for their brutal baby, Frank and Lenore pawn their older son off on a family friend and try to pick up the pieces. He soon loses his job, and turns to the bottle for solace, while she becomes understandably withdrawn. Between swigs of scotch and puffs of his smoke, Frank declares that he just wants the baby dead and his life back to the way it was. The constant badgering by the doctors from the local university who want the baby's remains for further study, and the lawyers from the pharmaceutical company that manufactured Lenore's birth control pills (who want the mini-mutant destroyed) does much to compound the marital riff growing between the Davises. The baby does manage to elude the police long enough to make a pit stop at home to kill the family cat and family friend, and win over Frank before leading the cops to the underground labyrinth of L.A.'s storm drains for a chase scene that can only be described as sureal.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• The aftermath of the delivery room massacre
• The stream of blood-tinged milk running from the delivery truck after the baby offs an unsuspecting milkman
• Frank's realization that his baby has come when he finds his normally full freezer of meat completely bare
• The baby's final take down of the police chief amidst the hail of bullets in the sewer system

Following a nuclear leak of some sort at the Yankee Power Company, a sulfur-colored cloud wafts past a covered bridge in the small town of Ravensack and engulfs a busload of school children singing annoying songs. After the cloud clears, Sheriff Billy Hart (GIL ROGERS) happens upon the now abandoned bus, and the search for the missing kids begins. The kids aren't really missing, however, they've just mutated into black nail polish wearing zombies with a penchant for incinerating people to death via hugs. As the children leave a trail of victims in their adorable wake, the Sheriff joins forces with parents John and Cathy Freemont (MARTIN SHAKAR & GALE GARNETT) to track down the toxic tykes. [Editor's Note: GARNETT is the folk-song stylist responsible for the hit We'll Sing in the Sunshine, and also voiced Francesca in Kindertrauma-fave MAD MONSTER PARTY]. While the Sheriff and her husband are driving around and finding a bunch of burnt bodies, the very pregnant Cathy kicks back and enjoys a cigarette to calm her jangled nerves. The trio eventually reconvenes at the Freemont household for the final showdown, where it is discovered that the children are impervious to sawed-off shotguns and, for some amusing reason, can only be killed when their nail polish slathered hands are hacked off with a machete. The children do put up a pretty good fight, with their hugging and squeezing, and do manage to take out the Sheriff before John hacks the mitts of the last little zombie. No sooner than you can say, "Honey, our one son is dead, and, oh yeah… I just killed our zombie daughter," Cathy goes into labor, and John assists in the prolonged, scream-punctuated home delivery. Just when you think calm has been restored to the Freemont home, a gratuitous close-up of Cathy breastfeeding reveals black nail polish on the fingers of the newborn suckling her teat.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S) :

• The inexplicably cunt-tastic Dr. Gould is hugged to death in the graveyard
• The repeated, pre-HELEN LOVEJOY use of the phrase, "Think of the children!"
• Cathy sneaking the aforementioned butt. They really don't make pre-natal/pro-smoking movies like this anymore
• Zombie baby breastfeeding!
• If the music in this film sounds familiar, it's because it was scored by HENRY MANFREDINI, who was working on the soundtrack to FRIDAY THE 13TH at the same time. There is a lot of musical overlap between the two films