Category: Kinder-Bitz!

Hold on to your lunch. I have to talk about stuff occurring that is not horrible and depressing and, in fact, makes me happy. I know, the thought makes me uncomfortable too. It is all very unseemly but we can get through this bubble of non-hell together. Soon things will be back to the normal drudgery I promise. I feel so jolly right now that I'm convinced a car is being manufactured somewhere in the world that will ultimately crash into and kill me. You know how the universe works.

Here goes. I wasn't going to say anything but then I realized that not everybody is on the Twitter so they may have missed this slice of cosmic fortune. See that new Halloween header at the top of the page? See that ROB ZOMBIE quote up there? I didn't make that up during a late night drinking binge as you might suspect. That's the real deal. Yes, ROB ZOMBIE tweeted about good old Kindertrauma! He came upon my impassioned H2: Director's cut review and he appreciated my appreciation. Is that not gold?

I know there are both crab trees and Evil-lyns out there thinking, "Sure he likes your review because you love his movie!" to which I say, "Oh, you poor sad, misguided…dumb-dumb. It's not about the love, it's about the understanding." ROB and me are now super best friends forever and you're just going to have to get used to it. Your jealous scorn only tightens our bond.

Seriously though how cool is that? How satisfying to know that my ramblings reached the one who inspired them. I'm just sad that I've already written two reviews for H2 because frankly I'd like to write five more. Maybe I will.

I wonder what the hell my horoscope predicted for last weekend. Did it say, "You are about to encounter greatness" or "Your self delusions are about to hit a fever pitch."? You see, I also encountered the one and only JENNIFER RUBIN! I'll let that ferment in your brain a tad.

Yes! Aunt John and I went to the fanciest town in the universe, Baltimore, to hob knob with the rich and infamous last weekend at a MONSTERMANIA convention. We finally got to meet the Miss Yvonne of our playhouse AMANDA BY NGHT in person for the very first time. If you follow kindertrauma you're surely familiar with Amanda from her multiple Funhouse hosting stints, her informative comments and her non-stop enthusiasm. I have to thank Amanda for showing A.J . and me around and introducing us to her cool friends including but not limited to DANIEL FARRANDS who did such an incredible job with that NEVER SLEEP AGAIN : THE ELM STREET LEGACY documentary ( if you haven't seen it yet change that.) It was a stellar weekend and a great time was had by all.

That song you hear growing louder in your head is Lakme because this trip to glamorous Baltimore was fate's way of bringing JENNIFER RUBIN and I together at last. O.K. I know this picture is weird and it looks like RUBIN is a lifeguard who drug a drowned victim out of a swamp but what can I do? God was obviously watching both Howdy Doody and NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD when he decided to invent me.

See in this picture I'm reserved and relatively normal but hours later I'll bump into RUBIN in the hotel bar and tell her everything that has always needed to be said. Things like you are a way better actress than that too cool to show up for an ELM STREET 3 reunion PATRICIA ARQUETTE and that BAD DREAMS is better than all but two of the ELM STREET sequels. I stand by both of those statements. Luckily AUNT JOHN caught the legendary meeting of JENNIFER RUBIN and UNKLE LANCIFER on video and the clip is below…

All right, that's it. Enough about me and my frenetic mania that will soon inevitably come to a crashing halt. let's see what's going on around the interwebs…

B-SOL of VAULT OF HORROR saw the new I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE remake and his thoughts are HERE!

VICAR of VHS caught ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES which I've always wanted to check out and have neglected to HERE!

My pal Christine from FASCINATION WITH FEAR goes a little psycho HERE!

ARBOGAST does something beautiful with graveyards HERE!

Funhouse winner BILLY V. suggests you get right over HERE!

ZOMBIES ARE MAGIC talks about one of my favorite movies HERE!

NOW KINDLY UNDO THESE STRAPS cracks me the hell up HERE!

And last but not least AUNT JOHN insists that I show you the ad below…

Grab your robes and torches minions, Satanists are back in high fashion! Ever since I saw RACE WITH THE DEVIL as an adorable, yet malnourished, premie I have been stressed about stumbling upon these rogue nogoodniks mid-ritual!

Freedom of religion is important and I commend you sassy Satanists for not stooping to apply for tax exemption but sacrificing children and more importantly fluffy animals? Not the best P.R. move! What you need(s) to do is get some super star celebrities to be the face of your cause. May I suggest the delightful BETH HOWLAND and the quirky and quizzical Q-BERT?

Speaking of fluffy animals I spy childhood dream date ERIN GREY still lovely HERE!

Back to people who worship Old Scratch! Do you know what is the most underrated Satan worshipping movie? I say it's BROTHERHOOD OF SATAN. That movie is bonkers with a capital bonk-bonk and yet visually I find it ever so arresting. Check out the trailer below. I love the meeting of the assortment of dudes in one room scene (@1:10). It's so J. CARPENTER!

I watch so much crap that there's no way for me to keep you up on what I have shoved in my eyeballs. Let's take a look at some of the hard working bloggers out there who have succeeded where I have woefully failed!

TRUTH OR DARE: CRITICAL MADNESS can be viewed any time on your Netflix account. It is one bizarre yet fascinating movie directed by an eighteen year old. I'm not sure I could do it justice but I know that the VICAR OF VHS bit the bullet for me HERE!

TRUTH OR DARE got me in the mood for more stinkaroos so I polished off my ancient VHS tape by the name of THE WEEKEND IT LIVES. This movie should have just disappeared back into the hell pit from which it came from but for some reason it was resurrected as a DVD called AXE 'EM back in 2002. Have any poor souls out there witnessed this somewhat hilarious abomination? VEGAN VOORHEES has lived to tell the tale HERE!

JOHN KENETH MUIR cures me of the amnesia that almost made me forget one of my favorite BUFFY episodes of all time "Tabula Rasa" HERE!

VAULT OF HORROR spreads the word about the silent beauty that is THE CAT AND THE CANARY over HERE!

CAMP BLOOD shows off the awesome pillowcase that comes free with your purchase of the complete SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE set HERE!

And from the "Why didn't I think of that ?" file, killer kudos to DEATH TO CGI for the awesome (What the hell is THE PEACOCK KING?) top ten pre-CGI transformation list over HERE!

I wasn't a big fan of the cinematic adaptation of JACK KETCHEM's THE OFFSPRING but if LUCKY McKEE is behind its offshoot THE WOMAN then so am I. Check out its official site HERE! (Thanks for the tip BLOODY DISGUSTING)

You know, sometimes when I read one of my own posts something horrible happens in my head. For some reason when I finish the last paragraph I hear the READING RAINBOW "Ba-dump-dump" as clear as a bell. While searching for the READING RAINBOW "Ba-dump-dump" the other day, I found this…

And in closing: JAMES CAMERON, first you break LINDA HAMILTON's heart and then you insult (as whispered in my ear by FANGIRLTASTIC) the genre that you should be on your hands and knees giving a "blowing" (holla LAST EXORCISM fans!) -job to? This week's Official Corky St. Clair BASTARD PEOPLE AWARD goes to you, ya big mirror-licking jackass!

Don't you dare listen to a word of what that mean old glorified dingleberry said FRIDAY THE 13th PART3 IN 3-D! You're better than all his lame 5-hour long movies put together. (Shut up ALIENS! I know you kind of rule but can't you see F13 Part3 is in a bad place?) C'mon F13, groove us out of Kinder-Bitz with your disco theme. I know you want to. That's it little buddy, lift up your 3-D chin! God (or Satan) don't make no 3-D mistakes!

Hey look it's the new feature that sticks like glue, sweet and sour chewy gooey Kinder-Bitz! Kinder-Bitz is a nutritious part of any unbalanced dessert tray!

The Kinder-Bitz jingle needs to be sung by this insane "Didn't do great" lady HERE!

One of our favorite people reviews one of our favorite movies HERE!

Unk makes a hallow-weenie of himself inside ZOMBO'S CLOSET!

Pax Romano spots the true horror of CROPSEY over HERE!

KATE BUSH and horror? We're all ears HERE!

Kudos to cruel and creative advertising HERE!

Puppets aren't perfect as illustrated HERE!

Lego tears in the rain HERE!

I want an owl like the one below!

My hero JOE DANTE talks rationally about 3-D and more HERE!

Speaking of JOE check out the GREMLINS vacation in Georgetown below.

Hey, the highly acclaimed documentary CROPSEY is playing on the INVESTIGATION DISCOVERY channel this Friday night. Learn more HERE and check out JOHN KENNETH MUIR's review HERE!

I tried to write a review for the CRISPIN GLOVER craptacular SIMON SAYS several times and failed miserably. No worries, TENEBROUS KATE hit the nail on the head HERE!

Andre Dumas sets her eye on EYES WIDE SHUT over HERE!

Arbogast blows my mind with "Images of Film: shadowplay" HERE!

Less than a month ago I prayed that somebody with a brain would invent a gun like the one in LOOKER and so now it is kind of so (it doesn't make you forget junk…rats!). It's called the DAZER TAZER and you can't buy one HERE!

I can't stop watching LOUIE; it's my new favorite misanthropic genius show. If you are an old person you should check it out HERE!

Aunt John thinks that TRUE BLOOD should be replaced by this HERE!

BLOODY TERROR turned me on to THE BIRD AND THE BEE singing HALL AND OATES and you can check out "Rich Girl" HERE!

Speaking of music, will somebody operate on my head and remove this HERE!

MADE FOR TV MAYHEM names a trauma and it's called MIDNIGHT OFFERINGS and you can read about that HERE!

I will not apologize for my love of SHOTGUN HARLEY (below).