Category: Kinder-News

 

There I was on the Ben Franklin Bridge mustering up the energy to jump rather than endure yet another Philadelphia summer, when Aunt John breathlessly approached. He screamed "Stop, don't jump!" as he has done so many times before. I told him to go peddle his papers elsewhere and to go fly a kite and when he was done with those two chores, I suggested he take a long walk off a short pier. That's when you're Aunt John informed me of news that would change my dismal outlook instantly. "HORROR YEARBOOK…" he said panting clutching at his defunct ticker, "…says that FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE SERIES is going to be released on DVD!" Of course when Aunt John slapped my back in a congratulatory gesture he did inadvertently send me reeling over the bridge's railing and into the toxic water below, but that's neither here nor there. The fact remains that some day in the future, me and my idol ROBY will be together once more. In the meantime I plan to play the OPENING THEME MUSIC in an endless loop on Kindertrauma castle's state of the art intercom system. It should provide the perfect accompaniment to my daily chores of shucking clams and sheering lambs.   

Heads up! Whatever you do, don't miss the monster movie poster parade that is currently marching down MONSTER BRAINS' main street. The images are all pretty amazing but some are really going to knock your smelly socks off! Keep going back, there will be more in the days ahead!

Like a blood thirsty maniac between sequels, JOHN KLYZA's RETRO SLASHERS has been misleadingly quiet as of late. Turns out it was just gathering momentum for the big pounce. Any self respecting horror fan that does not CHECK OUT THE REVAMP NOW needs their head severed, I mean, examined. RETRO has clearly come back to kick ass and chew bubble gum and it's sooooooo out of bubble gum!

Everyone accepts that there are certain lies we have to pretend are true in order to get along in the world; giant, smelly falsities that are presented as public knowledge which one must humor in order to escape lynching and being burned at the stake. I can bite my tongue when folks say JULIA ROBERTS is beautiful or that RON HOWARD is a good director just to keep the social wheels greased and my head off the chopping block. I'll even let unfair criticisms of TOBE HOOPER slide when I'm in the right mood. Unfortunately, I can not hide my ostrich head in the sand any longer concerning the reputation of INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM. Are people (including Director STEVEN SPIELBERG) really currently in the process of rewriting history and claiming that it is the weakest of the Indy films? Really? How much crack to you have to smoke to come to that conclusion? I admit DOOM may not be as good as the original RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK but let's be fair, that had KAREN ALLEN, an evil monkey and melting Nazis. That's a formula that's not going to be bettered in our lifetimes, but to allege that DOOM is a lesser film to that bores-ville third installment is flimflammery and chicanery of the highest order and I won't stand for it any longer! DOOM is not the ginger-headed step child of the Indy franchise! I won't go into why LAST CRUSADE is a bit of a dud because the idea of watching it again, in order to give it its fair shake, makes me snoozy. Suffice to say that the sewer of rats and that vapid blonde chick (ALISON "thanks for the free joke in your name" DOODY) really don't cut the mustard. Furthermore, downplaying the supernatural element and up-playing the heroic "BOND"-isms is all kinds of wrong. DOOM on the other hand at least carries the dark occult-ish baton from the original's final act and runs with it. Is it too dark? I guess if you are a CARE BEAR it might upset you. If you're over the age of just born though, you might find the darkness shown as a way to… I don't know present "DANGER" of some sort? SPIELBERG sites his then recent divorce for the tone of the film, well, you know what Steve, go with that feeling! You're really good at that dark stuff… DUEL, JAWS = masterpieces, that fluffy HOOK stuff, not so much. If you're going to distance yourself from one of your films, I'd go with THE TWILIGHT ZONE. Your corny contribution to that film was easily the weakest link. That might not seem like a big deal until you realize that you lost to a segment whose main star was actually decapitated by a helicopter propeller. If that doesn't give you a moment of pause to rethink the schmaltz level, I don't think anything will. TEMPLE OF DOOM is partially responsible (go GREMLINS it's your birthday!) for the dumb PG-13 rating that alerts parents to the fact that a movie's violence will be almost comparable to that seen on television everyday. Its heart-ripping-out scene is supposedly gory but c'mon, what do you think we're paying money to see here KATE CAPSHAW? [Aunt John sez: "Umm, I did!"] This is an action adventure that is supposed to be based on pre-P.C. serials and its goal should be to kick it up a notch wherever and whenever it can. It shouldn't have to concern itself with tip-toeing for the sake of Aunt Tilly (her again!). The slave children, the drinking of blood and the possession of Indy himself are brought up as examples of this film's imaginary harsh tone. Meanwhile, there's wall to wall slapstick humor, a ridiculous romantic IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT subplot and a relentless barrage of precocious quips from SHORTROUND bouncing off the cave walls as well. We're not exactly talking DER TODESKING here; I think you can handle it. I guess it's the kindertraumatic angle that ruffles the most feathers. It does seem a little extreme when one of the slave children begs Indy to kill him so that he might be spared further anguish, but stop anybody at their place of work and ask them how they're doing and see if you don't get a similar response. Every element maligned in INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM is exactly what makes it great. Are we really so lame as to think singing chipmunks and dancing penguins are preferable entertainment for children than torture by whip, human sacrifice and voodoo mind control? What a sad state of affairs! Besides, just how family-friendly is Indy supposed to be? Wasn't much of the thrill of the first film derived from rotting corpses, hellish specters and yes, death by airplane propeller? With a new fourth installment in the can and ready to hit the multiplexes, it's far too late for those involved to hear my warning and respond by setting the compass back towards DOOM territory. I don't really care about that anyway, I'm going to assume the flick has been neutered beyond worth and hope for the best. The only thing that is important to me is that the truth is out there. If I disappear in the following weeks you'll know why. I can not live with myself if I don't speak out publicly, for all I know TEEN WITCH could be under fire next. So hear my words interwebs and may the guillotine fall where it may…THE TEMPLE OF DOOM does NOT suck more than THE LAST CRUSADE! Were you buying popcorn during the mine cart chase? What can make earnest Indy swing his allegiance from his faux nuclear family (SHORT/WILLY) to a heathenistic cult of chanting shirtless sweaty men?… HUMAN BLOOD! "Evil" Indy 500: from intellectually fetching to Uber-Dilf in 10 seconds! The usually Mt. Rushmore-faced HARRISON FORD goes bananas in this movie. Y'all should get behind that shit!

This artifact was recently unearthed near Crystal Lake! Is it authentic? We're dumb enough to think so!!!

Many of you have read about the three alarm blaze that resulted in the partial collapse of the east wing of Kindertrauma manor last fall. Wether it was shoddily hung pre holiday lights or Aunt Johns insistance on using a 175 watt three-way light bulb in his EASY BAKE OVEN is still under investigation. Our first instinct was to simply ignore the gaping hole but after a winter of near nonstop looting we relented and hired two handymen to repair the damage. We were shocked (as many of you soon will be) to learn that the two gentlemen under are employ were none other than SMASHING PUMPKINS frontman Billy Corgan and T.V's Jerry Suprian of SMALL WONDER fame. This picture of the two taking a well earned break together proves without a shadow of a doupt that rumors that they are one and the same person are unequivocally false. 

    

Take a look at this recently unearthed footage from the abandoned film project THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE 2: ESCAPE TO PARIS! This would-be sequel starred JODIE FOSTER reprising her role from the previous film in which she played a murderous adolescent. The unfinished second installment involved FOSTER's character Rynn Jacobs who, in order to avoid police questioning, high tails it to France to live anonymously. Keeping a low profile becomes a real challenge when tomboy Rynn is discovered singing in a bistro and quickly becomes the toast of Paris. Unfortunately Rynn still has her fair share of secrets to keep and soon the Seine is littered with the dead bodies of her Svengali-like manager , a rival songstress and a nosey chef. Although at least 40 percent of the film was completed, the entire production was canned due to the disappointing reception FOSTER's other musical effort BUGSY MALONE received. By all accounts FOSTER is ecstatic about the discovery and vows to complete the film using state of the art computer animation. 

     

In our ongoing effort to bring you the hottest news that's two decades old, we here at Kindertrauma felt it was our responsibility to alert our fair readers about the dreaded curse of the crying boy painting. If you already own this piece of art, then chances are you may be reading this post from a pile of smoldering ashes. In 1985, a fire fighter from Yorkshire told the British tabloid THE SUN that he and his co-workers were beginning to get freaked out by a phenomena they could not explain. On repeat occasions, they had witnessed homes completely destroyed by fire, save for this lone mass-produced painting. After the story was published, THE SUN was flooded with letters from readers who had experienced the same thing. It was decided that the painting was cursed and the newspaper orchestrated mass bonfires. Some say even the warehouse that the newspaper had used to store the retrieved, waiting to be destroyed paintings, burned to the ground. More and more unsubstantiated rumors encircled the paintings. Some said if you saved the picture from harm, it would bring you fortune or if you hung it next to a crying girl painting it would defuse its evil power. There are several different versions of the work as painter BRUNO AMADIO (AKA BRUNO BRAGOLIN)'s entire oeuvre consists of images of waifish street children with tear-stained cheeks. Eventually the originally quoted fireman claimed he was misquoted and that the entire frenzy was the result of a slow news day for THE SUN. Whether the painting is actually cursed or simply strangely fireproof is a still a mystery. All I know is, you won't find this painting hanging on my wall, I'll stick to the less CHARLIE MCGEE–like large eyed kitties and puppies produced by American artist MARGARET KEANE.

An interview with your pal Uncle Lancifer is featured on RUE MORGUE RADIO this week, so give it a listen when you get the chance! (Note: If I sound like I'm having a flashback of giving a book report in front of the class, it's because I'm having a flashback of giving a book report in front of the class.) My questionable radio talents aside, it was a fun interview and I recommend checking out RUE MORGUE RADIO often, as there is always something cool going on there.