kindertrauma

Category: Kinder-News

Kinder-news :: Unkle Lancifer interview

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Your own Unkle Lancifer was recently interviewed by Peter Gutierrez over at Firefox news. Those willing to peek behind the curtain here at Kindertrauma can find the interview HERE. Even if you're not particularly interested in the ramblings of yours truly, do yourself a favor and check out Peter's past articles concerning the world of horror. You won't be disappointed!

MANITOU

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 This "review" is part of THE FINAL GIRL FILM CLUB! and this review is sung to the tune of XANADU by OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN! 

A Cyst that nobody dared to prick
Strasberg was really sick
She had the MANITOU

And now
Tony can clearly see
The Indian legend is real
They call it MANITOU

A million strobe lights flash
and what's that for…
a meteor?
an everlasting curse
It bursts through her eye
I don't know why

MANITOU, MANITOU
(it's not very clear)
It's MANITOU
(it's not very clear)
It's MANITOU

MANITOU your B-cast can not act
for you MANITOU!

The dwarf
he flies in the sky with no feet
he's someone you don't want to meet
starring in MANITOU

Mrs Herz
one part that didn't bore
she floated across the floor
right out of MANITOU

A million films are made
and this is one
it's kind of dumb
How do you describe a turd
using just one word?
have you not heard?

MANITOU, MANITOU
(that ice looks fake)
in MANITOU
(really a lizard suit?)
in MANITOU

Thank god it's done, GRAHAM MASTERSON
wrote MANITOU
Now that it's through, I want part 2
of MANITOU!

Kinder-news:: Fanning banned from Traumatot Award!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 DAKOTA FANNING (pictured above, in the guise of fellow diva MARIE ANTOINETTE) once eligible for the coveted TRAUMATOT AWARD due to her age and penchant for roles that require heavy screaming and emotional breakdowns, has been banned from any such future victory due to rumors circling about her DISSING CANCER PATIENTS. Heavy campaigning from the Fanning camp has reportedly fallen on deaf ears. An anonymous Kindertrauma spokesperson advised that Miss Fanning and "others like her" observe PAST TRAUMATOT AWARD RECIPIENTS for examples on proper child star etiquette but refused to reveal if the ban in question would be life-long. Wether this decision could damage younger sibling ELLE FANNING's chance at glory has also yet to be determined.       

Kinder-news:: Elmo doll threatens child's life!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 Real life, in it's latest desperate attempt to be as interesting as a movie has produced a vaguely intriguing news item! Seems some poor kid's Elmo doll has gone and said exactly what every toy that has ever been made has been thinking for centuries: "I'm going to kill you". Well actually it said "Kill James!" but you get the picture. I mean, if you were named James you'd certainly be alarmed. BRAD DOURIF could not be reached for comment. Read the full story HERE and be sure to youtube "evil Elmo" to observe the sorry fact that speculation on Elmo's dark side has been brewing for some time!

Halloween Costume Quiz

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Here's some groovy costume ideas. While you're perusing them, try to figure out which respective movies they appeared in! Warning: If you get all of them right it means you are insane! Answers can be found in the comments section. Good Luck, chuckleheads! (more…)

Kinder-News :: Major Halloween Mask Recall!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Are Silver Shamrock brand masks hazardous to your health? I don't know — Do you think crickets, rattlesnakes and other assorted vermin pouring out of every orifice in your head is hazardous to your health? Dear readers I implore you, if you or any one you know has purchased a mask from Silver Shamrock Industries, dispose of them immediately, no matter what the cost. The three masks in question are easily identifiable by their three distinct styles, which include: skull face, green witch, and orange pumpkin. They all bear the telltale Silver Shamrock logo, which is a large disc embedded on the back of the mask. On October 31 there will be a televised event on ALL three of the available channels on your television set. The program will conclude with a big giveaway. Do not, under any circumstances, watch this show wearing one of these God forsaken masks! Inside ALL of the masks tags is a small chipping from Stonehenge that, when activated with a flashing pumpkin signal, will turn your living room into hell on Earth. Many have asked if they can simply remove the logo and watch the show as intended. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REMOVE THE TAG, not even with a hairpin, unless you want a laser to blast you in the face, and a gargantuan bug to crawl out of the cavity that remains.

Some of you may be thinking, "I hate my kid, what do I care?"

Well, you will care when a snake crawls out of your kid's head and bites you! Conal Cochran, the CEO of this nefarious company and designer of these "novelties," has been planning just such a sacrifice for years, going so far as to create clockwork servants that resemble you or I. He considers this holocaust "a joke," and claims the best Halloween took place three thousand years ago, "When the hills ran red with the blood of children and animals." Is this the type of company you want to support? I know the jingle on the commercial is catchy and it's easy to get swept up in the spirit of the season but, for the sake of yourself and for future generations, throw out those masks! For more information on Cochran and his atrocities watch HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH.