Category: Kinder-News

ANNOUNCER: Boys and girls, welcome back to the all ready in progress First Annual Kindertrauma Time-Traveling Halloween Costume Parade. We now join your hosts, Unkle Lancifer and Aunt John, on the east lawn of Kindertrauma Castle.

UNKLE: And who is that I see floating across the east lawn?

AUNTIE: Why it's none other Ronald McVorhees, star of the never to be released FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 17, "DON'T AXE FOR EXTRA FRIES!"

UNKLE: Wait, what?

AUNTIE: Yeah, I couldn't help but GRIMACE when I saw that trailer!

UNKLE: Stop, I can't do this. Who wrote this parade banter?

AUNTIE: I did, and I have a knife in my purse under the counter. Just read the teleprompter or I will stab you in the neck.

UNKLE: All righty then, who is this creepy little skeleton?

AUNTIE: Why that awesome lil' dude is none other than MR. CANACORN of AWESOMENESS FOR AWESOME'S SAKE.

UNKLE: Awesome costume MR. C!

AUNTIE: Yikes! What is our next participant wearing?

UNKLE: That would be the VICAR OF VHS of MAD MAD MAD MAD MOVIES fame rocking, what looks like a hunchback costume.

AUNTIE: Let's throw it down to the street where VICAR can explain his outfit.

VICAR OF VHS: What we have here is the Vicar, age 7 or 8 (this would be circa 1978 or 1979, showing my age), in what is still pretty much my FAVORITE COSTUME EVAR: the Hunchback! Now what made this costume so great, you ask? Well, except for the cheapo plastic fangs, it's 100% home-made–my dad's shirt, my mom's eye shadow and hairspray, a pillow strapped to my back with a belt. But more importantly than that, it was effective: when I put it on, I BECAME the hunchback! The loping gait, the mush-mouthed pleas for understanding, it was all there. And perhaps best of all, when my cousin (dressed as a little fairy princess) came to our house to trick or treat, and I came bounding out of the house toward her in full RAMPAGE mode, she screamed and scampered to the back of the family van and would not come out until her dad assured her NUMEROUS times that it was just her lil' cousin. Ah, even after all these years, I don't think I've ever been so proud of myself.

AUNTIE: Well, we are very excited by the VICAR's pride. Speaking of excitement, I know of some ladies who are very excited by today's parade.

UNKLE: Oh, really. And who would they be?

AUNTIE: None other than the KINDERTRAUMA DANCERS. Take it away girls!

UNKLE: Umm, that wasn't very exciting.

AUNTIE: No?

UNKLE: And it had nothing to do with Halloween. I know you personally choreographed that number, but it lacked a certain level of panache.

AUNTIE: Suck it. Well, our next entrant is certainly not shy about bringing the panache to everything he does.

UNKLE: Sweet Jesus! Is that ADAM of DVD PANACHE?

AUNTIE: You betcha! Let's hear what he has to say about his get-up.

ADAM: 1988… best costume ever! Ghoul makeup kit bought at Newberry's, it actually ended up looking better than the package advertised. On the downside, it itched so much I was only able to visit four houses.

UNKLE: I like folks that don't clown around when it comes to wearing uncomfortable costumes.

AUNTIE: Wait, did you say you like clowns?

UNKLE: Umm, no, are you deaf?

AUNTIE: Nope, I'm in parade mode and I love making shameless segues. Straight from the Kindertrauma Commenter Big Top comes our next participant… the one and only MICKSTER as a scary clown!

UNKLE: Wait, what is she doing? It looks like…

AUNTIE: … she is changing costumes!

UNKLE: Go MICKSTER!

AUNTIE: What a little devil!

UNKLE: That PROFESSOR VON WHISKERSEN sure is a lucky guy.

AUNTIE: Oh my! Are things getting heated along the parade route, or is it just me?

UNKLE: Nope, that's just your hot flashes acting up again.

AUNTIE: Hold your tongue UNKLE, and hopefully the PROFESSOR will hold his fire.

UNKLE: Wait, what?

AUNTIE: Shhh… up next is PROFESSOR VON WHISKERSEN!

PROFESSOR: Here's me in 1982, age 7, prepared to get candy and shoot commies in the face.

UNKLE: And on that note, let's pause for a TRAUM-MERCIAL break from unofficial parade sponsor Coor's Light.

AUNTIE: And we're back!

UNKLE: That ad made me thirsty.

AUNTIE: Well, you're in luck. Up next we have two of our favorite thirst quenchers.

UNKLE: BEA ARTHUR and CHARLOTTE RAE?

AUNTIE: No, you silly goose! DANIELLE & FREDDIE co-proprietors of the best bar in the whole wide world, 12 STEPS DOWN.

UNKLE: Wait, which one is which?

AUNTIE: Let's throw it to DANIELLE for an explanation.

DANIELLE: I am in the lovely 1980 fall addition clown costume, Freddie is the homemade hooker in the middle, which scarily resembles what I look like today, and the ravishing Vampire is my oldest brother Johnny!

UNKLE: I love them. And remember kids, if you are ever in the greater Philadelphia area looking for a watering hole, stop by 12 STEPS DOWN, conveniently located at the corners of 9th & Christian Streets!

AUNTIE: Speaking of great brother and sister acts, check out our next entrants… commenter Megatone230 and his SCOOBY-DOO sis:

UNKLE: Can we get a close-up of his face?

AUNTIE: MEGATONE230, how did you come up with such a scary face?

MEGATONE230: I got the idea for it from the way cool 'Make-up Monsters' book, I ordered from the Weekly Reader in school.

MEGATONE230: My mom helped do the make-up.

UNKLE: Moms really are the best when it comes to helping with make-up.

AUNTIE: And when it comes to hair, nobody beats a Grandma!

UNKLE: What the hell are you babbling about?

AUNTIE: Our next parader is none other than ME, your AUNT JOHN, rocking the Number #1 Super-Guy costume HONG KONG PHOOEY. Flanked by my older brothers, CHUCKY & FRANKY, I do believe we went with a super-hero theme that year.

UNKLE: What the hell is on your head?

AUNTIE: Listen, even at the age of four, when this was taken in 1976, I was a stickler for authenticity. Remember when H.K.P. rocked a perm, like everyone else in the ‘70s?

UNKLE: Nope, afraid not.

AUNTIE: Well he did, and I accessorized my look with my Grandma's wig to take this box-job costume to the next level. From what I remember, that shit was super hot, literally, and I was a sweaty mess by night's end.

UNKLE: You are a freak.

AUNTIE: Speaking of super-freaks, let's move on to our next parader.

UNKLE: O.M.G.!, is that who I think it is?

AUNTIE: Yep, it's none other than your favorite zombie gunslinger, WIL of HORROR YEARBOOK!

UNKLE: Where are my smelling salts? Zombie cowboys fill me with fear!

AUNTIE: Silly UNKLE, never fear… that sly FOX of TRACTOR FACTS is here!

UNKLE: Yay! UNDERDOG! I feel so much safer now!

AUNTIE: Well I'm glad you feel safe UNK, 'cause our final parader is making me slightly nervous with her glow stick. What is she doing?

UNKLE: Hmmm, it looks like she is spelling something. I can sort of make out the letters from here…

AUNTIE: "To KINDERTRAUMA"… something, something "Jamie." What the hell?

UNKLE: Awww… it's OFFICIAL TRAUMATOT DANIELLE HARRIS.

AUNTIE: For those watching at home, I don't know how we managed to get the star of HALLOWEENS 4 & 5, but there she is… clowning around on the east lawn Kindertrauma Castle. I love it!

UNKLE: Wow, that parade went too fast. I guess the whole time-traveling factor just goes to show that anything can happen on Halloween!

AUNTIE: Funny, you should say that. Boys and girls, please give a big Kindertrauma welcome to our master of closing ceremonies… TIM CURRY!

AUNTIE: Special thanks to MR.CANACORN, the VICAR OF VHS, ADAM of DVD PANACHE, MICKSTER, PROFESSOR VON WHISKERSEN, DANIELLE & FREDDIE from 12 STEPS DOWN, MEGATONES 230, WIL from HORROR YEARBOOK, FOX of TRACTOR FACTS, the KINDERTRAUMA DANCERS, DANIELLE HARRIS, and TIM CURRY for participating in today's festivities.

UNKLE: We love you all more than Halloween itself!

AUNTIE: Seriously. Now get out there, get your trick-or-treat on, and have the bestest Halloween EVER!

I'll be honest with y'all, here at the Castle we go through maids like Pringles potato chips. The latest to be canned is Hagatha Kettlebottom who has been with us for years. Unfortunately, she's been having more senior moments than not lately. Once was all she had to do was bat her eyelashes and do her spot on Urkle impression, "Did I do that?" and we'd be rolling on the floor laughing, broken commemorative ANNIE plates be damned. Well her cute act has worn thin, and today it was Aunt John's turn to drop the axe (I fired the last seven). Before I knew it, that old softy Aunt John and Hagatha were wiping away each other's tears and I had to step in and be firm. I pushed the old broad into a conveniently located wheelbarrow and hauled her ass off the grounds, even as Auntie howled and begged for a change of heart on my part.

How was this old woman able to push your usually patient as a saint Unkle Lancifer's cool as a cucumber Pisces disposition to it's ultimate breaking point? Why did I feel that steering her kicking and screaming body off the grounds in a wheelbarrow was not enough? Why did I also decide to end her little impromptu ride by dumping her ancient carcass into a fish bone strewn trash pit in back of the local RED LOBSTER?

I'll tell ya… that biznitch ruined my Halloween! I told that ninny to rent as many horror movies as she could find at the local video store for our Halloween festivities. Mind-blowingly an hour later she had the nerve to hand me over a sour smelling empty milk crate with these incredibly NOT Halloween movies nesting inside!

1. DYING YOUNG (1991): JULIA ROBERTS is a nightmare, agreed but this is not a horror movie by any stretch of the imagination. Hagatha's only explanation was whispered to her fake baby. Yes, Hagatha carries around a "reborn" which she dotes on when she should be cleaning and paying attention to my whims!

2. THE KILLING FIELDS (1984): I'm sure this a good movie and that I would learn a bunch by watching it, but that is exactly the opposite of what I'm looking for.

3. THE GRAPES OF WRATH (1940): I can still hear her horrible quivering voice trying to make sense of this choice "Me thought the mister would get a fright if the grapes attacked, I did." It was all I could do not to slam a frying pan into her face. Thank god Aunt John held me back!

4. NIGHT OF THE IGUANA (1964): O.K., I can kinda see where she could get confused here but ever thought of reading the back of the box?

5. FIERCE CREATURES (1997): "It stars JAMIE LEE CURTIS it does."

6. CRAZY PEOPLE (1990): This is a DUDLEY MOORE "comedy" for Christ sake. What is wrong with this woman? She only made matters worse by regaling the same tired story about her "Nutter" brother Ian who stripped down naked to his socks and chased several town people about while waving a cleaver, "One early St. Swithin's Day."

7. WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOLF? (1966): As much as no movie on Earth depicts life at Kindertrauma Castle better than this film, it's simply not appropriate Halloween fare.

8. KISS OF THE SPIDER WOMAN (1985): ditto.

9. 28 DAYS (2000): No, not 28 DAYS LATER the one with the zombies, 28 DAYS the one with SANDRA BULLOCK in rehab.

10. GIANT (1956): I'm not going to complain about a JAMES DEAN movie, but the idea that this mad woman thought it was a film about an actual scary giant boggles my mind. Do they even make movies about scary giants?

11. THE WHALES OF AUGUST (1987): Yes, VINCENT PRICE is in this and yes the specter of death hangs over all proceedings, but it's not scary and contrary to Hagatha's protests, it does not have a killer whale in it.

12. THE DEAD (1987): This was the last straw. I'd had it. We have here a JOHN HUSTON FILM based on the work of JAMES JOYCE. Halloween is just around the corner. Thousands of guests are due to arrive and now I'm going to be left with only the millions of horror movies that I have lying around the castle to entertain my guests. Some of whom are traveling hundreds of miles to get here!

You're fired Hagatha, fired,fired,fired. Your Urkel impersonation will not get you out of this one!

Anybody with anything half resembling a human brain knows that the iconic Michael Myers mask from the classic horror film HALLOWEEN was, in fact, a slightly altered WILLIAM SHATNER mask. What's not so well known is that many other celebrity masks were considered before director JOHN CARPENTER decided that SHATNER was the way to go. We were lucky enough to interview a not very real individual close to the production about the various other visages under consideration in an exclusive Kindertrauma interview. Due to our source's inability to prove that he was anything more than a figment of our imagination, he will henceforth be referred to as Mr. Narp.

DON KNOTTS
Mr. Narp: JOHN loved the DON KNOTTS mask. About a third of the film was filmed with this particular style mask, but later scrapped. The problem was that once the mask was on, the actor portraying Michael found that he couldn't fight an irresistible urge to do broad double takes. Some of these unexplained ticks even resulted in "the shape" looking directly at the camera and quivering like a Chihuahua.

TIM CONWAY
Mr. Narp: When the DON KNOTS mask failed to deliver, CARPENTER naturally instructed a P.A. to immediately fetch a mask of CONWAY. Both actors were white hot at the time due, in large part, to the global success of the juggernaut THE APPLE DUMPLING GANG. Unfortunately KNOTTS, who had a serious rivalry with his frequent co-star, caught wind of the switch and made a stink. He trashed the set (the dilapidated Myers house was not in the original script) and threatened JOHN and DEBRA HILL with an old school Hollywood blacklisting.

PARKER STEVENSON
Mr. Narp: The PARKER mask was HILL's idea. The problem was that his heartthrob image really changed the tone of the film. Early testing showed that many females found themselves far too attracted to this version of Myers to be properly scared. JAMIE LEE CURTIS's performance suffered the most. Rather than run away from her attacker, she would shuffle in her shoes and absent-mindedly twirl her hair.

MARCIA WALLACE
Mr. Narp: The neck was so thin on this mask that it caused its wearer to asphyxiate on multiple occasions. It also gave off a sci-fi vibe that CARPENTER was not yet ready to deal with. Years later though, he used this mask in several early scenes of THE THING. Eventually special-effects maestro ROB BOTTIN was able to convince CARPENTER to go with a vision of the space creature that was a little bit more down to earth.

ERNEST BORGNINE
Mr. Narp: At this point CARPENTER was getting frantic. He had filmed just about every scene he could without Myers and he had a tight schedule. When he was presented with the BORGNINE he finally broke down and wept into his hands. Remarkably, this is another mask that would come into play later in his career. BORGNINE would later star in the CARPENTER film ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK. Playing the part of "Cabbie," ERNEST was required to do extensive driving scenes. On several occasions he showed up to the set surrounded by chorus girls, drunk out of his mind and unable to get behind the wheel. If you look closely, many of the shots of "Cabbie" driving in ESCAPE are actually show-biz trooper ADRIENNE BARBEAU wearing the BORGNINE mask.

BEA ARTHUR
Mr. Narp: Speaking of BARBEAU, many insist that she met future hubby CARPENTER on the set of the television film SOMEONE IS WATCHING ME. In reality, the two were introduced when JOHN would repeatedly stop by the MAUDE set while wooing ARTHUR into lending her image to HALLOWEEN. ARTHUR was over the moon with the attention and graciously endured hours of face casting with little by the way of payment. The mask proved to be TOO successful in the end though. If it had been a GOLDEN GIRLS-era ARTHUR things may have turned out differently, but the MAUDE-era ARTHUR, if you'll excuse the expression, was a horse of a different color. Producer MOUSTAPHA AKKAD, it is said, hit the roof when he saw the dailies. CARPENTER was contractually obliged to deliver an R-rated film and AKKAD was convinced the ARTHUR mask would not get past the censors.

WILLIAM SHATNER
Mr. Narp: It's hard to imagine now, but there was a time before Priceline commercials when people were not horrified at the sight of WILLIAM SHATNER. In a last ditch effort to placate AKKAD, CARPENTER chose the then more audience-friendly SHATNER mask to represent Myers.

It was a long treacherous road and chance played a bigger part than any one is willing to admit, but luckily the appropriate mask found it's way into this seminal film. It's now almost impossible to imagine any other mask in HALLOWEEN. Amazingly ROB ZOMBIE went through a similar ordeal while in the early stages of his recent remake. Luckily fan outrage put the kibosh on his proposed AUDRA LINDLEY mask when preliminary sketches were leaked via the Internet.

Note: Narp is an acronym for "Not a real person." We at Kindertrauma are proud of our general policy of not being biased against individuals based solely on their level of existence on this plane of reality.

Hey kids, in one week, that's just seven days from now, Kindertrauma will be throwing  its first ever Halloween Parade. If you haven't already, please stop whatever it is you are doing and send us a snapshot of you in your bestest Halloween duds when you were a kid.

And if you don't have one handy, now is the perfect time to get your Mom or Pop or Nanna or applicable shutterbug relative on the horn and get him or her to send it to you. If they refuse to cooperate, your Aunt John strongly suggests blackmail, intimidation, threats of bodily harm, and all other forms of coercion.

Just do what you got to do, and please send your pictures to us at kindertrauma@gmail.com by Thursday, October 30th.

Hey kids! Do you dream of being an international celebrity the caliber of BONNIE FRANKLIN or HAL LINDEN? Well, Kindertrauma is in the business of making dreams come true!

This Halloween, on Oct. 31st, we will be presenting the greatest costume parade ever assembled and we want YOU to be a part of it. Do you have a picture of yourself as a kid dressed in a Halloween costume? Send it to Kindertrauma@gmail.com so we can post it on that very special day.

Just think how depressed and suicidal it will make your frenemies to know that YOU are cool enough to be in a parade that doesn't exist! We're predicting mass suicides across the country and we can't wait! Unlike that Silver Shamrock global Halloween Holocaust from a couple years back, this should go off without a hitch!

Make your decision now, do you want to be part of the coolest thing ever or wait in line for your chance to jump off a bridge to your death with all the other sad sacks who didn't participate? The choice is yours! (Sadly your dear old Unkle Lancifer has no such picture and has been lumped with the thankless task of serving Lorna Dunes and Hi-C out of Dixie Cups. Sob!)

In other Halloween related nonsense, I just got an important e-mail sent from your Aunt John all the way from a desk two feet away from my own. Look at this cool collection of treat bags he found below! There's plenty more so check em out HERE. Do they not inspire you? Now, off you go to find your pictures, dig through every photo album and please smash as many family heirlooms as possible during your frenzied search. If a parent or guardian tries to stop you, a kick in the shins should set 'em straight!