Category: Repeat Offenders

 

 After wearing the world's most unconvincing wig in Part 2, JAMIE LEE CURTIS abandoned the HALLOWEEN franchise in search of less blood-soaked pastures. A new heroine was not to be found in Part 3's STACY NELKIN, not because she didn't have the chops, but because she was left a decapitated robot and she had nothing to do with anything. Part 4 introduced little 10 year old DANIELLE HARRIS to the scream queen club, and boy did she ever scream. Her two film ordeal makes THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST look like SPY KIDS. Playing the part of Laurie Strode's orphaned daughter Jamie, the half pint went on to carry both 4 and 5 on her own petite shoulders. (Part 6 had an other actress playing the part and she was subsequently shunned by society and forced to wear a red "F" is for FAKE letter upon her bosom). If you're somehow not familiar with these movies I'll fill you in. In Part 4 Michael Myers comes back to Haddonfield, Illinois to kill everyone and in Part 5 he does it a year later, but he also brings a basket of useless MacGuffins. The biggest difference is that Part 4 is a near perfect homage to John Carpenter and Part 5 is…less so.Old time Halloween fans might want to sit down for what I'm about to say, but I swear to you it's true. Due to constant double billed cable play over the years, many a fan's introduction to the Myers character is through 4 and 5. Still breathing? Don't get too comfortable. Many of these people PREFER the sequels to the original…HEY! Don't stab the messenger!!! In fact these two flicks have sorta melded into one in viewers eyes much like 1 and 2 were supposed to do if that damn wig didn't ruin everything. The beauty part is that Jamie Lee Curtis left some damn big shoes to fill and D.H. did just that. So all you sequel haters out there GIVE IT UP! You will never win. No, they may not have the honor of being innovative or lighting the fire, but they do eventually find their way into most fans hearts and more importantly, sometimes they create new fans. Now that can't be bad can it?

INDELIBLE SCENES(S):

• Uncle Mike sitting up by the bed as lightning illuminates him
• Those awful teasing brats who call J's mommy a mummy!
• The rooftop sequence
• Mike kills yet another dog (Max). What is his problem with dogs?
• The deadly laundry shoot!

 

Vincent Smith (RORY CALHOUN) is what some might call a true renaissance man. Along with kid sister Ida (NANCY PARSONS, most memorable for playing the testicle-obsessed gym teacher in the PORKY'S franchise), Vincent is the co-proprietor of the quaint roadside bed and breakfast Motel Hello. He's also a renowned meat smoker. Nope, you didn't read that wrong, and don't get the wrong idea about Vincent. Despite his senior status, he has no trouble attracting the ladies, especially the saucy young Terry, a permanent guest at the motel following a motorcycle mishap staged by Vincent. Regarding her brother's meat making, Ida will be the first to tell you, "It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent's fritters!" And by critters, she means the bikers, swingers, "working women", and vans of punk rockers that fall prey to Vincent's ingenious traps. Once captured, Vince and Ida work in tandem to bury the folks up to their necks in an isolated garden. They then remove the vocal cords, and tube feed the victims until they are ready for harvesting. Equal parts horror and dark comedy, MOTEL HELL is worth checking into if you can stomach cannibalism and a seemingly endless barrage of meat-themed double entendres. 

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• '70s game show staple Elaine Joyce clad in full bondage regalia swinging a whip
• Tubing with Ida in her old-timey bathing suit & cap
• The garden uprising of the critters
• Chainsaw fight!

 

 For those of you who remember this franchise starter as a garish Johnny come lately to the '80s slasher boom, it's time to give CHILD'S PLAY a serious re-watch. It's surprisingly subtle and compact, and director TOM HOLLAND (FRIGHT NIGHT) is wise enough not to show all the cards he's holding until completely necessary. Consumer-in-training Andy Barclay has his eye on a "Good Guys" doll for his birthday, thanks to his favorite show, a serialized commercial. Mom Karen, CATHERINE HICKS, is a retail clerk who can't get behind the 100-dollar price tag. Her gal pal Maggie, LEE GRANT spawn, DINAH MANOFF sets her up with a vagabond who's selling it for cheap. Little does she know that the toy has seen some voodoo action lately and is housing the spirit of "The Lakeshore Strangler" Charles Lee Ray, a brilliant BRAD DOURIF. Soon Andy is whispering to his buddy privately and anyone that crosses the rascal's path winds up dead. Killer doll movies are innately fun and Child's Play is a deserving classic of the sub-genre. For a great deal of time, his animation is shown only briefly in "corner of the eye" shots that work exceptionally well. They never over reach with the special effects and the movie holds up better for it. The film plays with the idea that Andy could be the culprit but, of course, we all know better. When the Chuckster finally exposes himself, it's a savage, profanity laden scene that still takes the viewer aback. There is an element in this first chapter that is dropped from the subsequent sequels and that is the engulfing danger of the city around them. Chucky brings Andy on a subway ride into rat-infested squalor and HICKS is warned about parts of town, "That are bad at night." It spends a lot of time scratching the open wound of a single mother's anxiety about raising her child in an unpredictable urban environment. But this is really Andy's story, a kid vs. doll tale. ALEX VINCENT is exceptional as a boy who's hurt by his plastic pal's trickery and betrayal. The scene where he looses it behind bars at the children's correction facility is somehow hilarious and heartbreaking at the same time. A lot of horror films can loose their power over the years but this one, like the murderous doll that inhabits it, just gets stronger.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• Chucky grabs the toy hammer
• "Chucky says Aunt Maggie was a bitch and deserved what she got."
• Chucky's first real attack on HICKS
• Southern-fried Chucky
• "This IS the end friend!"

Poor Jessica, she just got released from a four month stay at a mental institution and she ain't feeling so great. I guess riding around in a hearse and making crafty tombstone rubbings on tissue paper isn't as therapeutic as you'd think. ZOHRA LAMPERT not to be confused with TYNE DALY stars as the twitchy title character in this spooky and subtle sleeper. She along with her long-suffering husband BARTON HAEYMAN from THE EXORCIST have just escaped the chaos of New York and bought a beautiful house in the New England countryside. They've even brought along a bug eyed walrus-faced pal named Woody to help with the apple orchard. Yes, all Jessica needs is a little fresh air and some peace and quiet and maybe she'll stop having those nasty audio and visual hallucinations. When they arrive at what is referred to ominously as, "The old Bishop place" they find an ethereal red headed squatter named Emily. You can tell this film takes place in the seventies because instead of shooting her in the face and calling the cops, they invite her to stick around, drink some wine and play MELANIE type songs on her guitar. Inevitably hubby and hottie hippy chick share horny glances and Jessica begins her nosedive into full blown madness. You'll be right there with her because the most impressive thing about this movie is that it locks you into it's unreliable narrator's head and it does not let you go. There's a near constant clammer of subtle and not so subtle sounds, creakings, moanings, whispering voices, some are Jessica's "Don't tell them, they won't believe you!" and some are not, "I'm in your blood!" There's also an overwhelming sense of internal isolation that brings to mind CHARLOTTE GILMAN's famous short story THE YELLOW WALLPAPER. The plot is as evasive as a wraith. It goes from psychological thriller to ghost story to vampire tale and back again and it's impossible to put your thumb down on what's really going on. Unlike most films where the audience is asked to view things miles ahead of its protagonists, you never have any more information then Jessica does. We begin and end our story with Jessica floating in a small boat pondering what she has experienced– "Nightmares or dreams, madness or insanity, I don't know which is which…" Don't be surprised if by film's end you wind up in the same perplexing boat.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• The mute waif roaming the woods
• Murder of the mole!
• Emily coming out of the water
• Discovering Woody on the tractor
• Waking up encircled by the creepy, scarred townsfolk

 

Like much of Disney's output during the late seventies/early eighties there is an undercurrent in this film that's a tad bit unsettling. It's not a proper horror film for sure, but in some ways it follows the classic trope closer than most "proper" horror films do. What's that you say? Unkle lancifer has lost his marbles? Before you grab your torches hear me out. We start off with a group of desperate travelers looking for shelter. This is how every old dark house thriller begins including OLD DARK HOUSE. They then find what appears to be an abandoned ghost ship to take refuge in. Resembling a gothic cathedral, the spacecraft Cygnus could be viewed as a sort of haunted castle. Inside they meet a mad scientist MAXMILLIAN SCHELL and his formidable creation Maximillion, a bulky metal Golem that one of the characters compares to Frankenstein's monster (He actually looks like a giant floating swiss army knife.) Suspicious of their host, the travelers try to settle in as they learn clue after clue about their benefactor's true nature. After horror icon ANTHONY PERKINS is killed by the dreaded Maximillion (he's shredded by one of his blades) the jig is indeed up. It is also revealed that the entire crew of the ship including one of the traveler's fathers, has fallen prey to Reinhart's experiments and are now zombie slaves. The rest of the movie of course concerns the escape and destruction of the "castle". True, there are cute robots and lots of laser gun firing but this is all just sci-fi window dressing. THE BLACK HOLE even offers a glimpse into a place few horror films dare go…hell itself. The film's final astonishing set pieces involve rivers of flowing lava, fiery explosions and the marching of hooded figures through a cavernous landscape that would give HEIRONYMUS BOSCH pause. You gotta feel sorry for all the lil' tykes out there who were just looking to tame their STAR WARS jones. Sure there ARE long stretches that are goofy and outdated and the cast seems ripped from one of the era's lesser disaster flicks but THE BLACK HOLE is much, much darker than you'd think.

 INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• The introduction of Maximillion
• Perkins trying to protect himself with a book and failing miserably
• Reinhardt and Maximillion merging atop a cliff and making a scarab-like silhouette

 

 

 

 Are you itching to get into the Halloween spirit but don't have the time or the energy to murder a transient in your basement? Simply watch LADY IN WHITE, it will take you there and right quick! Inevitable Traumatot LUKAS HAAS stars as a weird but lovable horror nerd circa 1962. Due to a fiendish prank performed upon him by two admittedly hilarious bullies, he has to spend the night in the school's coat closet. There he not only witnesses a ghostly apparition, but also finds himself somewhat of a witness to the little ghost girl's murder. He too is attacked by the faceless perpetrator, and after some really cool psychedelic KEN RUSSEL type dreams, he wakes to find the killer is still at large and that he's bound to be his next target. The town folks, having bared witness to 10 tragic child murders over the years, decide the black janitor is the perfect scapegoat. Part ghost story, part murder mystery, part nostalgic time capsule, this movie plays like SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY KILLS A MOCKINGBIRD. It's also further proof that director FRANK LaLOGGIA (FEAR NO EVIL) is an unusually talented director with far too few films on his resume. The film is so well realized and so visually captivating it's a wonder he never became a household name. Masquerading as a Spielberg type kid-friendly adventure, viewers will likely be taken aback by what sharp little teeth this spook show has. With Gothic seaside cliffs, dilapidated haunted houses, and fog-drenched forests worthy of a HAMMER film, LADY IN WHITE just bleeds atmosphere. Throw in a trio of criminally underrated character actors, KATHERINE HELMOND, ALEX ROCO and LEN CARIOU and you have a film that miraculously juggles dozens of storylines and themes, but is always focused on earning it's genuine scares.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• The coat closet
• Lady in White's first appearance at the window
• Lady in white coming down the stairs in back of Haas
• The killer revealed in the station wagon
• "Have you ever seen a dream walking? Well I did…"

 

 

This seventies action/horror hybrid was a late night television mainstay in the eighties. Any kid happening upon it while switching channels was instantly glued to the sofa right up until the nightmare-inducing finale. PETER FONDA, WARREN OATES, LORETTA SWITT and LARA PARKER play two couples looking for a little R&R in a righteous R.V. Instead they stumble across a depraved satanic ritual in full swing. At first the inebriated pals think they've lucked out and discovered a hippie orgy — that is until the masked leader of the coven brandishes a blade and guts a naked nubile necromancer like she was a carp. Loud mouth Loretta exposes the camper full of witnesses and there starts a harrowing cross-country road rally that would humble MAD MAX. Economic, inventive, and filled with some the best car chases you're likely to see, RACE also invokes one of the best paranoia moods this side of ROSEMARY'S BABY. Almost everyone the couples come into contact with as they try to flee the cult, from trailer park oldsters to toothless hillbilly car mechanics, seems to be a possible buddy of Beelzebub. Even if you tried to resist this old school thrill ride, the soundtrack itself will grab you by the collar and pull you along with it. Complete with a hopeless ending that modern test screening audiences would jettison in a heart beat, this wrong place, wrong time movie gets everything right.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• Witnessing the sacrifice "That's not rough, that's choice!"
• The fate of Ginger the dog
• Kitchen o'rattlesnakes
• Kick-ass Fonda in Sonny Bono garb, taking care of business atop the R.V.

Take three of Hollywood's biggest hams (the always inebriated-seeming OLIVER REED, the voluptuously cock-eyed KAREN BLACK, and a post-BABY JANE/pre-stroke BETTE DAVIS), dangle before them an irresistibly low three-month rent package for a gothic mansion with the caveat that someone drops off a tray of food to an elderly mother concealed in an attic three times a day, shoot the proceedings with a gauzy porn filter, and there you have the gist of BURNT OFFERINGS. Shortly after agreeing to take the estate at 17 Shore Road from the underutilized sibling wonders of BURGESS MEREDITH and EILEEN HECKART, Marian (BLACK) and Ben (REED) Rolf start acting all kinds of cuckoo. Ben tries to drown their son in the pool while roughhousing, much to the dismay of artsy Aunt Elizabeth (DAVIS), whose still-life style is not unlike that of Thomas Kincade, Painter of Light. Meanwhile, Marian takes to wearing chokers and dressing old-timey in between obsessively cleaning the house and dropping off plates of pork chops to the unseen matron of the manor. The insanity, and overacting, escalates to the point where Aunt Elizabeth decides to stub out her last smoke and call it a shoot. Despite the death in the house, Marian wants to stay. In her defense, she did get a sweet deal. $900 for the whole summer… it would take at least three deaths to get your aunt john to skip out on something like that. As the Rolf family continues to deteriorate, the house itself is invigorated by an extreme makeover (supernatural edition). The siding replaces itself and the contents of the greenhouse flourish. Ben grabs his son and tries to escape in the wood-paneled station wagon, but the shrubs have other plans. For this family the realization that they'e not keeping the house, the house is keeping them, comes fatally too late.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• The demise of Aunt Elizabeth
• Death by chimney
• Any scene involving the pox-marked Chauffeur & his shit-eating grin

It may appear obvious to many adults that this is a campy, over the top, tongue-in-cheek salute to any and all of the popular invasion flicks of the 1950s, but to many of a younger age who caught this PG-13 joke fest on cable T.V., it's no laughing matter, in fact it's the stuff bad dreams are made of. Children have always had a "special" relationship with clowns, a relationship that can be broken up into two distinct roles, terrorizer and terrorizee. Killer Klowns does little to alter that dichotomy. The titular klowns are masterpieces of the grotesque with barely a recognizable human element left to be found within them. They come in all sizes, shape-shifting when required, and seem to have mastered the ability to bend reality to their will. Shadow puppets come to life, balloon dogs attack and custard pies are lethal weapons. This surreal chaos is much like the trippy psychedelic horrors spotlighted in the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET series and children are particularly susceptible to it. Here is a place where adult rules do not apply and, in actuality, adherence to them will get you killed. I suspect there are even some older folks out there who may laugh along with the films outrageousness but secretly get a chill in particular scenes. I have to admit the after dark klown victory parade through the center of town where they gather up all the cotton candy cocoons left me strangely unnerved… So laugh at these klowns if and when you can because I promise you if you look closely enough, you'll see a not so funny evil glint in their eyes.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• The eight-foot klown's silent confrontation with Officer Mooney (an exceptional JOHN VERNON) in the police station
• Lil' Shorty knocking that biker's block off!
• The popcorn bathroom attack complete with jack in the box toilet!
• Debbie being trapped in the balloon with apparently a limited air supply
• KLOWNZILLA!

Don't let the name STEVEN SPIELBERG or the PG rating fool you, this film has caused countless sleepless nights and it's done so for decades. What's so scary about POLTERGEIST? Well first of all, it takes place somewhere many kids can easily identify with, suburbia. Any child who has recently gained mastery over their fears of cobweb strewn mansions or gothic castles are instantly sent back to square one. Secondly, unlike many of its R rated contemporaries, POLTERGESIT is not afraid to deal with the very real specter of death. From flushing pet canaries down the toilet, to coffins emptying their contents into the swimming pool, actual mortality is present here. An after life is also suggested, but it's cold comfort considering the place is not only overcrowded, but apparently covered in a substance not unlike cherry Jell-o. The tagline warning "It knows what scares you!" might as well have been made directly to the juvenile set, because the lion's share of POLTERGEIST's most indelible scares are based on common childhood fears. For example: See that comforting tree outside your bedroom window, the one that's basically a marker that you're home and safe? Yeah, well, it's actually going to try to swallow you whole…and that clown doll that you used to insist sleep in the same bed as you? He's kinda got arms that can grow to any size that he wants to wrap around your neck. You don't mind if he pulls you under the bed do you? Actually few are safe from the anxiety factory that is Poltergeist, from Dad's bad financial investment to Mom's fear of literally loosing her child to the television set. Nobody here gets off Scott free, but unlike the parental figures in POLTERGEIST, most kids don't have the luxury of a little toke of ganja to help them get to sleep at night.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• Everybody's least favorite toy, the clown doll looking to "hug it out"
• "One, one thousand, two, one thousand" …the kite eating tree's revenge!
• The guy ripping his face off in the mirror…a Proactive commercial gone horribly wrong