kindertrauma

Category: Repeat Offenders

Creepshow 2

Posted on By unkle lancifer

CREEPSHOW 2 is not nearly as accomplished as its predecessor. In fact, comparatively speaking, it's a tad half-assed. Where as the original boasted five stories inhabited by some of the greatest character actors in the biz, its sequel slims down to a mere three journeys into the macabre and offers GEORGE KENNEDY and DARYL HANNAH's ginger-sib PAGE. TOM SAVINI is still on board, but drops special make-up effect duties in order to host the proceedings as "The Creep," a troll faced fiend who delivers comics to put upon children. Even the animation that bonds the anthology together takes a slide backwards to resemble Saturday morning public service type filler. Lesser sequels and sophomore slumps are par for the course in horror, yet if you remove CREEPSHOW 2 from the shadow of the original it not only works fine, but also offers at least one segment that flirts with classic status.

The first story in the troika is a traditional moral revenge fantasy where a group of young, vain delinquents get what's coming to them thanks to an animated cigar store Indian. It's not a barn burner but the vengeful wooden golem looks remarkably swell and there is a undeniable satisfaction in witnessing the gruesome deaths of anyone so disrespectful as to bully, torment and eventually kill lovable old timers GEORGE KENNEDY and DOROTHY LAMOUR.

The third and final tale is an equally gratifying, yet business as usual E.C. comics-vibed comeuppance piece where originality scores low and schadenfreude scores high. LOIS CHILES (BROADCAST NEWS) plays Annie Lansing, a kept, well-to-do gigolo patron on her way home from another paid tryst that accidentally runs over a homeless man on the side of the road. Tell-tale-heart style guilt for her self-serving indiscretions is represented in the form of the sometimes hilariously death-proof hit and run victim who refuses to take the slight lying down. Vehicular horror is a nice fit for any anthology (just ask 1983's NIGHTMARES) and although this one steers dangerously close to repetitious, it eventually crashes into funny as hell.

CREEPSHOW 2's middle installment "The Raft," based on one of the more grueling of STEPHEN KING'S short stories, is the film's generally undisputed high water mark. Here four young adults find themselves trapped in the middle of a lake surrounded by a flesh eating, alarmingly cunning black sludge. Some low grade effects (Yikes! a giant floating Hefty bag!) and a limited running time do little to soften the hard to describe insidiously infectious over all effect. Like a body rotting nightmare "The Raft" makes great use of the sticky, can't scrape it off contamination anxieties that engined both the classic THE BLOB and the more recent THE RUINS. A cursory scan of Imdb comment boards identify this one as a legitimate, albeit largely unheralded, kindertrauma contender. The premise and execution may not be 100 percent convincing, but neither matter as, for many viewers, it infiltrates the psyche like a bore worm regardless.

Due to its overall modest nature, it's easy to forget that CREEPSHOW 2's pedigree is nothing to sneeze at. GEORGE ROMERO tackled the screenplay, based an assortment of STEPHEN KING tales, and hand picked his often cinematographer MICHAEL GORNICK (DAWN OF THE DEAD) for the directing chores. All in all, though, I doubt anyone involved had any illusions of surpassing the charms of the original film. These three stories, and the nearly useless animated wrap around tale, ultimately work better as a side dish to that more satisfying main course. The good news is that regardless of its also ran nature, it is never less than entertaining and at least in the case of "The Raft," it provides something unexpectedly effective and memorable.

The Bermuda Depths

Posted on By unkle lancifer

How does one go about trying to describe the supernatural allure of THE BERMUDA DEPTHS, a 1978 made-for-television film that has cast a lingering hypnotic spell upon anyone fortuitous enough to stumble across it? (Is it too much to suggest that the secret reason for the existence of the Internet itself is so that these chosen people could track down a bootleg copy of their gospel?) This is a film that centers on a giant turtle folks, conventional wisdom would tell you that all recognitions would paint it as a camp classic or at least a guilty pleasure by now, but instead its followers, old and new, hold this oddity closely and sincerely to their hearts like a priceless family heirloom.

Part of the reason may be because THE BERMUDA DEPTHS defies categorization. Actually it may be more accurate to say that there is no genre that it does not embrace at one point or another, horror, fantasy, and action all weaved together with an undeniable leaning toward tragic romance and yes, I'm still talking about a movie involving a giant turtle. Some who have experienced this lush fable in their youth admit to confusing their memories of it with a childhood dream and it's not difficult to understand why. The soundtrack alone mystifies. Prepare to have it rustling about your brain like a hermit crab trapped in a tide pool for days after viewing.

The movie itself begins as a dizzy stumble between dream, reality and the inchoate memories of youth. Magnus (LEIGH McCLOSKEY of ARGENTO'S INFERNO) is recalling a first love, a little girl named Jennie Haniver he used to play with on the beach. One day the two find a turtle egg. They nurture the newborn into semi adulthood and send it off to sea but not before Magnus etches his feelings upon it's shell carving "M + J" within a heart. Reciprocating these thoughts, Jennie crafts a necklace from coral and presents it to Magnus. That night a storm rages and an unseen beast attacks and makes off with Magnus' scientist father leaving their ocean adjacent cliff-top home a REBECCA-like Manderlay shambles.

Now an adult Magnus has returned to his childhood home and is still unclear about what had befallen his father. He keeps coming across a mysterious woman (a surprisingly ethereal CONNIE SELLECA) who he slowly begins to realize is the girl from his youth. Problem is he's also informed that the name Jennie Haniver belongs to that of a local legend, a woman who sold her soul in exchange for eternal life during a storm at sea. It is said that she can appear as either an adult or a child, and that all those that she presents herself to are doomed to drown. Meanwhile, another childhood buddy (CARL WEATHERS) and an acquaintance of Magnus' father's (BURL IVES) are currently getting all kinds of JAWS-obsessed about some giant turtle foot prints they discovered in the sand.

Sounds crazy, I know, but somehow it all comes together like some ancient myth written in the stars. This is a story that could touch anyone at any age. Adults will recognize the bittersweet melancholia of an impossible love. Teenagers get a crashing helicopter and a hot babe with glowing eyes and kids, well kids get that cute giant turtle I was talking about. Grab the whole family, we've got a lost classic on our hands! Learning that DEPTHS was penned by ARTHUR RANKIN, JR. of RANKIN AND BASS (THE YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS) fame first seems astonishing and then absolutely appropriate.

Often when we return to beloved films of our youth we are disappointed and shocked by what we once held in such high regard. Sometimes we may even be left wondering to ourselves, "What was I thinking back then?" But if you watch THE BERMUDA DEPTHS as an adult and fail to be swept away by its poetic beauty and lazy hammock swing charms maybe the question you should be asking yourself is, "What is wrong with me RIGHT NOW?"

NOTE: I don't know how long it will last, but currently THE BERMUDA DEPTHS can be viewed on God's gift to obsessive nerds Youtube (Part 1 is HERE, follow it to the rest). If you have any kind of free time at all today, I suggest you uncross your arms, relax and let it take you out to sea.

Bad Dreams

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 

I don't know how it happened but somewhere along the line during these past two decades I fell in love with the movie BAD DREAMS. When I originally saw it, I remember being pretty into it but being distracted by its similarities to NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: THE DREAM WARRIORS and being more than a little perturbed by its pull the rug out from under you, swallow-its-own-tail ending. Now, those factors do not loom quite so large. I've come to terms with its questionable internal logic and those ELM STREET comparisons have greatly blurred. In fact, due to its relative restraint, in many ways, BAD DREAMS seems much less dated than its more successful and sometimes cloying cinematic lookie-likey.

It's nice to jump off the fence and declare my love, who was I kidding anyway? How could I continue feigning ambivalence when the truth was, over the years, I found myself watching it again and again. It's not perfect for sure, but perfection has always had an open invitation to bite me. Eventually I simply had to come to terms with the fact that it had a flavor and aroma all its own and that it was ready to stand up and be judged on its own terms. It's kinda sorta perfect in a way, a late eighties stand alone horror tale filled with pop psychology, retro tune-age and a cast I could send piles of stalker Valentines to.

It's like this see, creep-bomb RICHARD LYNCH is a scary JIM JONES-type, safe-trap house suicide cult leader who decides to fry his flock and drag them to the promised land. JENNIFER RUBIN (of NOES3) is the lone uncooked survivor who takes a coma nap for 14 years. She awakes in a hospital and is totally macked on by a doctor (BRUCE ABBOT of REANIMATOR fame ) who is really into beige sweaters. She is then forced to go to the greatest group therapy sessions ever assembled due to the fact her co-crazies include such luminaries as Keebler babe E.G. DAILY (ONE DARK NIGHT), uber-eyebrowed DEAN CAMERON ("Chainsaw" from SUMMER SCHOOL !) and a chain-smoking SUSAN RUTTAN (best known from L.A. LAW). Does it get better than this?

 

 

Of course LYNCH's character "Harris" begins to show up in RUBIN's increasingly messed up visions demanding her to return to the cult by offing herself. He also begins appearing to her newfound pals and starts forcing them to commit suicide to drive the point home. The scene in which he is first revealed in an elevator I think is a really well done scare and still holds up nicely today. RUBIN's presence still brings to mind Freddy's third outing, but I also think BAD DREAMS can sit snugly beside THE SENDER and even CANDYMAN thanks to its commitment to straddling "reality" and its main character's skewed version of reality simultaneously.

Director ANDREW FLEMMING was fresh out of film school when he took this project on, but his efforts are impressively slick especially considering the rather meager budget he had to work with. He went on to direct the, as far as I'm concerned, above reproach FAIRUZA BALK gilded mini classic THE CRAFT and more recently the hilarious HAMLET 2. Some movies you fall in love with at the get go and with some it takes years. Maybe it was I who had to grow up and shelve my Freddy comparisons to enjoy what BAD DREAMS has to offer. There I was all those years pointing my index finger and haranguing "You should be more like Freddy!" when I should have been basking in BAD DREAMS singular, thankfully zinger-less charms. I'm sorry BAD DREAMS; ya know what? I think Freddy should be more like you!

 

 

 

 

A Cold Night's Death

Posted on By unkle lancifer

A while back we received a "Name That Trauma!" of a television movie that took place in the arctic and featured monkeys. That movie turned out to be 1973's A COLD NIGHT'S DEATH (A.K.A. CHILL FACTOR). Well if there is one thing I like better than a snowy setting it is monkeys, so of course I had to track this baby down! Directed by NIGHT GALLERY alum JERROLD FREEDMON, and starring none other than ROBERT CULP (SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT 3: BETTER WATCH OUT!) and ELI WALLACH (THE SENTINEL), A COLD NIGHT'S DEATH is one made-for-television movie that literally delivers the chills.

The action takes place at an isolated research laboratory in Antarctica and involves pretty much only the two leads mentioned (unless you count those cute monkeys). CULP and WALLACH have come to replace the last scientist who worked at the outpost who apparently went mad and killed himself by leaving a window open and slowly freezing to death. The more time our inquisitive friends spend in the outpost, the more paranoid and suspicious they become, both of their surroundings and of each other. Something is definitely amiss and each night brings them closer to the truth behind what really happened to their predecessor.

It's a privilege to watch the events unfold slowly but surely while the director takes time to really get into the heads of our opposing leads. You might be tempted to choose a side between these two men who have widely divergent approaches to rationalizing the ongoing occurrences, but it's nearly impossible to do so. Both actors deliver straightforward, admirable performances and it's difficult to understand why this movie is not far better known for that reason alone.

The bleak snowbound atmosphere and palpable anxiety between the two characters will be familiar to anyone who has seen JOHN CARPENTER's THE THING, but here the action is almost exclusively psychological and there's nothing and nobody around to break the formidable tension. It's really astonishing how much is done with so little here, just two men slowly unraveling a mystery, but thanks to the sincerity of its leads and the director's deft hand at blanketing everything in dense atmosphere, this film leaves you with a sense of dread that is pretty hard to scrape off your snowshoes.

Although we mentioned the film's shocking reveal and startling final moment in that previous "Name That Trauma" post, I won't do it again here, but even if you are already privy to COLD NIGHT's final twist, the film holds up strongly as a thriller regardless. CULP, who at one point is locked outside the station in the freezing snow wandering about like a zombie with icicles hanging from his face presents an image of a man who has somehow transformed into a monster in a monster-less film.

The real enemy here, ultimately, is the human mind and its sometimes soulless search for more knowledge. Ironically, we come to find that the research on the monkeys inhabiting the ice station involved recording their responses while encountering fear, but by film's end it is our two scientists and the audience itself who might have more experience in that field. This is a quiet, subtle venture and the severity of the isolation shown will get to you eventually whether you resist it or not. I can't think of many films television or otherwise that so convincingly portrays the tightening noose of cabin fever or takes such cunning advantage of mankind's natural fear of the unseen.

The Horror at 37,000 Feet

Posted on By unkle lancifer

An airplane disaster flick from the seventies is a guilty treat all its own, but grafting a pseudo-satanic supernatural crisis upon this sub genre, in my opinion, takes it into the entertainment ambrosia zone. Directed by DAVID LOWELL RICH (who would later helm CONCORD…AIRPORT '79) THE HORROR AT 37,000 FEET is a schlock-adelic, made-for-television movie from 1973 that still soars high after all these years. Put simply, it's pure Kindertrauma gold; no adult could take it seriously and no child could ever possibly be immune to its potent dose of uncanny insanity.

Like any proper airplane movie, we are first introduced to an assortment of the cartooniest individuals imaginable all wearing their personal bugaboos upon their sleeves. Unlike most airplane movies, these stock characters soon find themselves contemplating the benefits of sacrificing humans to "the old ones." Blame the cargo, someone thought it would be a good idea to transport ancient druid stones from an English abbey to the U.S. to be reassembled, but said stones, once utilized in black masses, beg to differ. Before you can say "Silver Shamrock!" a dog is frozen mid bark and more goopy ooze than usual is pouring down the aisle in coach.

Now, I said that no adult could take this stuff seriously, but not fitting into that category exactly myself, I have to say that THE HORROR AT 37,000 FEET does indeed weave its own kind of unnerving spell. The soundtrack, mostly seventies era cicada chirps (which are eerily similar to the sounds emanating from the creature in JOHN CARPENTER'S THE THING, particularly when the beast takes its first victim, a hapless caged dog) garnished with ambiguous cult-like chanting brought me right back to the television horrors of my youth (albeit between snickers). A hooded figure even appears for a brief glimpse; c'mon you don't have to be into heavy metal to know those guys are scary!

I'm not sure there is enough room to go into how spectacular the cast is. WILLIAM SHATNER is an alcoholic priest questioning his faith, (it takes all my will power not to go on and on about the SHATNER but for the sake of my marriage, I'll move on); BUDDY EBSEN is some kind of rich tycoon guy (I've always wanted to mention EBSEN on these pages so I can bring up how crazy-cool his "Jed Clampet" paintings are, CHECK THEM OUT HERE); the unsinkable TAMMY GRIMES (who is so creepy she gave birth to AMANDA PLUMMER) is on board to play a dowdy doom saying occultist; and ROY THINNES (AIRPORT 1975 and SATAN'S SCHOOL FOR GIRLS) is the dude responsible for the whole mile high horror club. I could go on, but I think you'll get the idea when I inform you that the plane is co-piloted by TOURIST TRAP's Easter Island-faced CHUCK CONNERS and none other than RUSSELL JOHNSON "the Professor" from GILLIGAN'S ISLAND (naturally).

The best scene, out of literally dozens, involves the dumbstruck surviving passengers' attempts to appease the evil presence on the plane with a sacrifice. Flirting with becoming a vicious mob, they grab a doll from a little girl (thank God there is always a little girl on these doomed flights) and decide to go voodoo crazy on it and repurpose it as an effigy. They glue fingernails onto the doll, hair, and even draw some kind of crazy clown face on it. It doesn't make much sense (I'd like to think the evil was smart enough to detect the difference between a living human and a doll), but the scene is just too lunatic not to love. Further joy is found when the mock sacrifice begins to bubble with brown ooze as it is rejected by the unappeased spirits.

To say they don't make 'em like this anymore is to put it lightly. There's a real swingers lounge atmosphere that prevails here with much of the cast chain smoking, guzzling booze, and making chauvinistic advances to pass the time between attacks. Eventually though, it is SHATNER who has been spewing dramatic monologues about his lost faith in God and humanity who holds the key to their dilemma. Ultimately he comes to the conclusion that the presence of evil itself signifies that there is also "good" in the world and he plows forward to sacrifice himself and save the day. His cheap, unconvincing, blue-screen martyr-death resembles a Colorforms version of Ripley's swan dive suicide in ALIEN3 combined with the opening hat plunge from SID AND MARTY KROFFT'S LIDSVILLE. It will likely be etched in my mind for all of eternity.

I thought that I had pretty much seen all the truly remarkable television horror flicks from the seventies, but I'm glad to say I was wrong yet again. One can gripe about the inconsistencies and the silliness that abounds (check out the super fake model airplane!), but THE HORROR AT 37,000 FEET is savvy enough to never waste any time (Let's hear it for 73 minutes!) and personally, I found it consistently captivating in one way or another throughout. I have no problem declaring it a trash masterpiece (trash-terpiece?). I'm truly sorry I missed this one back in the day of its original airing because there's no question in my mind that it would have freaked me out to no end and possibly had me assembling voodoo sacrifices out of my BIG JIM action figures (as with SHATNER, don't get me started on BIG JIM's "The whip"!)

UNK SEZ: Read More about THE HORROR AT 37,000 FEET at our pal Amanda's MADE FOR T.V. MAYHEM!

NOTE: HORROR AT 30,000 FEET is not currently on DVD but I found this priceless film and many others HERE.

Curse of the Black Widow

Posted on By unkle lancifer

CURSE OF THE BLACK WIDOW is considered by some to be a lesser work of director DAN CURTIS, but if you ask me even a lesser work by this guy is worth a look. CURSE introduces us to a familiar CURTIS protagonist, a somewhat down on his luck investigator who must work against a system that believes he is a lunatic for entertaining the idea that the solution to the problem at hand may be supernatural in origin.

In this case, a string of murders in L.A. by a femme fatale slowly begins to appear to be the work of a woman who has the ability to transform herself into a giant spider thanks to an Indian curse. As far fetched as the concept is CURTIS is able to ground at least the first half of the film in a gritty and groovy seventies reality before taking his shoes off and delivering a B-movie showdown with a papier-mâché arachnid. What separates CURSE from most of CURTIS' productions is the fact that it eventually reaches a knee-slapping, ridiculously camp crescendo but that's also what makes it so much fun.

At a time when most television movies featured women being endlessly accosted in parking lots, it's actually refreshing to find a mostly male victim roster here. (Of course centering the tale on a woman who is half spider and lingers around singles bars to catch her prey is hardly the height of feminism either). As dated as some of this happily is, CURSE still manages to come off as pretty progressive for showcasing an apparently gay mortician and a very butch girl Friday played to the hilt by ROZ KELLY. I may have said some less then flattering things about ROZ "Pinky Tuscadero" KELLY in the past, specifically in reference to her less than stellar performance on THE PAUL LYNDE HALLOWEEN SPECIAL. In fact, if I remember correctly, MR. CANACORN himself issued a fatwa against me in order to defend her dubious honor. Well, all I can say is that I am now deeply ashamed of myself because, in this movie, she frakin' owns!

In fact, as much as CURSE definitely has a great dark CURTIS vibe throughout, I gotta say the entire cast is what makes it so special to me. It may not send you to bed freaked out of your mind because a spider lady might get you, but who can say no to these actors? ANTHONY FRANCIOSA of ARGENTO's TENEBRE is the more than a likable lead and he is surrounded by such greats and not-so-greats as VIC MORROW, DONNA MILLS, JUNE LOCKHART, JUNE ALLYSON, SID CEASER, MAX GAIL of BARNEY MILLER, and last, but certainly not least, the living legend and poster girl for fractured personalities everywhere, someone who should never be shown a hot dog lest she "loose control," PATTY (CALL ME ANNA) DUKE! C'mon you know you can't resist this! It's like someone mashed up that giant spider episode of GILLIGAN'S ISLAND with KOLCHAK and then forced some LOVE BOAT stragglers to perform in it! CURSE in no way CURTIS' finest hour but if you are a fan of seventies television and laughable giant monsters it may be yours.

The Boogey Man (1980)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

One of the very first horror movies that I ever caught on VHS was 1980's THE BOOGEY MAN directed by ULLI LOMMEL. It's box art and title had me assuming I would be viewing something along the same lines as HALLOWEEN. Boy, was I in for a surprise. Sure the opening scenes visually crib from JOHN CARPENTER's classic and the title is an obvious cash-in, but that's where the similarities end. If you're looking for subtle nuance or even a vague feigning of good taste just let THE BOOGEY MAN, as Dionne Warwick sang, "Walk on by." This movie though, as rough around the edges, derivative and generic as it sometimes is, just can't help being strangely disturbing in it's own way. The opening kill alone should be in the kindertrauma hall of fame.

Let's face it, HALLOWEEN's Judith Myers had a pretty good life up until her brother snuffed it out. Not so with THE BOOGEY MAN's young brother and sister team Lacey and Willy (NATASHA SCHIANO and JAY WRIGHT) who, when we open the picture, live in the kind of f-ed up environment that wouldn't befall Judith Myers until ROB ZOMBIE got a hold of her years later. When we first meet these wide-eyed siblings they are spying on their drunken wreck of a mother as she seduces a butch bruiser in the family living room. We never see the guy's face clearly because soon mom's kinky pantyhose fetish comes to light and he is wearing said hose on his face.

I'm not sure why but this pantyhose disguise routine was popular on crime shows back in the day and I don't mind telling you that it always creeped the hell out of me. I mean, props to mom for getting her groove on but this ain't the type you want hanging around your kids! That obvious fact is made even clearer when the kids are caught spying and, under the approving eye of drunk mommy, the little boy is tied up and gagged to a bed and then slapped for good measure. Luckily sis in her candy cane stripped pajamas knows exactly where the family keeps the butcher knife so she cuts loose her bro. Once free lil' Willy, as boys will often do, decides it's high time to stab pantyhose face in the spine as he bumps ugglies with trashy ma in that oddest of make-out joints the bedroom.

What else do you need to know about this movie? 20 years later the kids are grown (and f-d) up and played by real life brother sister team SUZANNA and NICHOLAS LOVE (Suzanne was LUMMEL's BARBEAU at the time.) They are desperately trying to get over their serious DR. PHIL baggage but Willy is so damn shell shocked he's gone mute. Sis Lacey makes the brilliant decision to revisit her past in order to heal (don't try this at home folks!) but ends up freeing the dead dude from a mirror he's been hanging out in so that he can brutally demolish everybody she comes into contact with.

THE BOOGEY MAN is a cheap, synth scored, runaway train but there are so many ideas (both original AND stolen) bouncing around that you kind of just have to sit back in awe. There are plenty of amazing deaths (the kissing double murder by a knife through two open mouths is inspired) but if gore ain't your bag you'll be happy to know that people are routinely speaking in demonic voices, shooting light beams out of their eyeballs and hovering above the ground too. I'm telling you, this supernatural slash-a-thon knows no bounds! In fact, the creepy windows from THE AMITYVILLE HORROR even stop by for a spell (pretty amazing when you consider those windows totally snubbed THE AMITYVILLE CURSE!) THE BOOGEY MAN is strewn with some choppy editing and technical problems galore but its willingness to be as deranged as it wants to be (scary pantyhose face included) leaves a lasting impression.

P.S. O.K I admit it, I did rewind over and over again the part where the brat gets a window (the non-AMITYVILLE type) smashed down on his head. Does that make me a bad person? Aw, who asked ya!

Shriek of the Mutilated

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Winter is upon us. Gone are the halcyon days of summer. Gone are the robust, crisp bountiful days of fall. Now is the time of year that I shelve my childish concerns about coming face to face with Bigfoot and start spending my time fretting about something real. Of course, I speak of the dreaded Yeti!!!

Bigfoot, as smelly and giant sized as he may be, is a walk in Yosemite National Park when compared with his frosty albino cousin. The Bigfoot I know, and secretly love, is a wilting violet for the most part. He slinks through the forest and wants nothing more than to be left alone with his thought(s). Much like the senselessly demonized great white shark, he only gets violent when modern man gets all up in his grill. Yeti, on the other hand, has no reservations about screaming and howling in your face like he's auditioning for an APHEX TWIN video. Yeti is looking for trouble.

Yeti, a.k.a The Abominable Snowman, has had several films made depicting his fascinating lifestyle. Unfortunately, as is the case with the Bigfoot canon, most Yeti films tend to disappoint his ravenous fan base. (I would count SNOWBEAST among his few successes just as NIGHT OF THE DEMON is Bigfoot's ultimate ode). SHRIEK OF THE MUTILATED, which basically shares the exact same plot as NIGHT OF THE DEMON (a teacher takes his students to an isolated place to investigate a monster who picks them all off one by one), gives us zero new information about the mysterious creature, unless you count the assertion that the beast wears tennis shoes.

The biggest problem (out of literally a zillion) with SHRIEK is that our pal Yeti doesn't look so hot. He's not scary period. This particular incarnation of the monster has been described as looking like everything from a department store Santa wearing a fur coat to a high school sports mascot gone berserk. I myself can only think of a large-scale version of HONK the fuzzy alien from THE FAR OUT SPACE NUTS. (Side note about HONK: HONK was portrayed brilliantly by PATTY MALONEY who was also little Lumpy in THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL and Twiki's girlfriend Tina on BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25th CENTURY– take that LINDA HUNT!)

As dopey as the sometimes-frolicking monster is, he's partially camouflaged by the fact that everything and everybody else in the movie is pretty cruddy too. There's really not one moment of normal human behavior to be found anywhere. Suffice to say, I love, love, love, SHREIK OF THE MUTILATED. Directed by MICHAEL FINDLAY who was responsible for the crap-fest SNUFF, and written by the genius that penned INVASION OF THE BLOOD FARMERS, SHREIK offers something much more valuable than quality, it's actually fun to watch. If you enjoy early JOHN WATERS or any HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS then this is absolutely your bag and a must see. Unfortunately, in real life director FINDLAY had one of those dreaded freak decapitation by helicopter blade things happen to him so we'll never know what other hilarious trash he had in his noggin'.

*One sad thing I have to report is that although a current DVD does have all of SHRIEK's blood and gore finally at our disposal, due to freakin' lame copyright crap that ruins everything, the song "Popcorn" which garnished the film's original version is M.I.A. You might not think that it would make a difference but it does, "Popcorn" has no substitute!!!!

Silent Night, Deadly Night (All of 'em!)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

This year your Unkle Lancifer decided to give himself the ultimate holiday present by plopping down on the couch and watching all five SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT movies in a row. Did he survive? Did he go mad? You be the judge….

SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT may have been controversial upon its release, but the years have definitely softened its edges. It's hard to imagine anyone getting too upset over what today feels more like a dark satiric comedy. Mad mothers may have took umbrage to television spots depicting a vengeful Saint Nick but let's face it folks, scaring kids into behaving well is a Christmas tradition as old as the holiday itself. As tongue in cheek as much of SILENT is, it does indeed earn its stripes as an eighties slasher. Scream queen LINNEA QUIGLEY's demise is a classic kill all the way and a featured slay ride beheading of a bully truly satisfies. It's all much more sleek and compact then you'd be lead to expect and it's far cleverer as well. LILYAN CHAUVIN, as an intimidating Mother Superior, takes her role seriously and makes a much more frightening impression than the psychologically damaged Billy who dresses up as Santa to dispose of those who have been "naughty." Mother Superior is no match for Grandpa (WILL HARE) though, a phony mute who steals his few scenes with a memorable, twisted Popeye grimace. You'd really have to be a Scrooge not to enjoy what SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT has to offer. It might not have the class of something like BLACK CHRISTMAS, but it's perfect for those who prefer beer to spiked eggnog.


SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT PART 2 is a scam but, as far as scams go, it's hard to stay mad at. Focusing on the younger brother of the original film's killer we are presented with flashback after flashback of the first film. Ricky can even recall the horrible death of his parents by a mad man in a Santa Claus suit even though he was but an infant at the time! There is some interesting editing between the two films, but it's pretty obvious that we are being presented with about half of an original movie. What we do see of Ricky's life is that it mirrors his brother's closely. He too is a tall drink of water that tends to go ballistic when he sees the color red or a nun's habit. Whether the two brothers were more damaged by witnessing the horrible rape and murder of their parents or by their stay at a nun run orphanage is up for debate. Once we get all the filler out of the way, S.N.D.N.2 earns trash classic status. Actor ERIC FREEMAN's interpretation of Ricky is sort of ROWDY RODDY PIPER meets JOAN CRAWFORD, and his mid-day rampage on a suburban street is intoxicatingly postal. He too gets to eventually have a show down with the now inexplicably facially scared Mother Superior, but not before he gets to belch out the immortal line, "It's garbage day!" right before shooting a man for taking out his trash.

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 3: BETTER WATCH OUT! pushes our tale to its limits. Ricky (now played by BILL MOSELEY) we learn did not actually die in the last installment and is now a Frankenstein-ish medical oddity with a glass salad bowl dome over his head that exposes his brain. Stranger still, he now has a psychic connection to a blind woman. Directed by the usually respectable MONTE HELLMAN, S.N.D.N.3's biggest sin is not its ludicrous plot or even its ponderous dialogue, but it's slow as molasses on Christmas morning pacing. Even still, it does have one of the more interesting casts in the series; besides the aforementioned MOSELEY, there's ROBERT CULP and a troika of DAVID LYNCH alum: ERIC DA RE and RICHARD BEYMER from TWIN PEAKS and future MULHOLLAND DRIVE star LAURA HARRING. None are given much to do in this sadly gore-less third outing, which turns out to be the last gasp of the original's story line.


SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 4: THE INITIATION is considered by most people to be the low point in the series, but your Unkle Lancifer is not most people. Directed by BRIAN YUZNA, and featuring such notables as MAUD ADAMS, REGGIE BANNISTER, CLINT HOWARD and even more amazingly, ALLYCE BEASLEY, Part 4 is a topsy-turvy fever dream of feminist cults, trippy body distortion and squishy jumbo insects care of SCREAMING MAD GEORGE. It has little to do with the earlier installments, outside a brief glimpse of Part 3 on a television screen and it's Christmastime backdrop (it actually would work as a better sequel to YUZNA's SOCIETY). Released in the U.K. as BUGS, this movie is a lunatic collage that really deserves to be taken on it's own terms. It may leave killer Santa fans on the side of the road waving their fists in the air, but this is just the type of funky late-eighties, straight-to-video fare that yours truly lives for.

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 5: THE TOYMAKER saves the big guns for last and by big guns, I mean MICKEY ROONEY. Maybe I saw the television movie BILL at a far too young age, but ROONEY has always scared the living daylights out of me. His work in the film THE MANIPULATOR still sends shivers down my spine. As someone who requires a certain amount of personal space to be content, something about ROONEY's demeanor makes me think he would not deliver it to me. He comes off as a close talker who's always gotta shove his donkey-braying, elfin mug way too close. In this movie he seems a bit more sober than usual, but he does do a lot of screaming and eventually beats the crap out of his son. Strangely I kind of preferred this evil ROONEY over his usual more jovial-than-thou persona. ROONEY plays Joe Petto, the titular toymaker, and his son is "Pino." Wacky Pinocchio references aside, this is kind of your standard killer toy movie, but the toys are a bit lamer than usual. The one exception is the SCREAMING MAD GEORGE creation "Larry the Larvae" who gets to tunnel through a man's head by way of his mouth and then pops out of his eye. Folks wondering about the fate of Part 4's main character will find her here as a friendly neighbor offering advice learned from experience.

All in all, the SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT series certainly has its weak moments but every once in a while, it delivers in bloody spades. Nothing really touches upon the first film's simple brilliance, but that is usually the case in most horror franchises. Ironically by the end, the series achieves just what JOHN CARPENTER had in mind with HALLOWEEN 3, a selection of loosely interlocking tales centered on a specific holiday. They might not be the most expensive toys in the sack, but at least they are dependably entertaining. I was convinced that after watching all five in a row I would be crying Unkle, but instead I find myself itching for a Part 6!!!

Snowbound Horror

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I love horror movies that utilize a wintry, snowy environment. I'm a sucker for them. They just instantly put me in the proper mood for scares and they are tailor made for watching from under a blanket. Even a horrible movie like DREAMCATCHER is highly watchable to me based on this phenomenon. I've gathered a bunch of snow-scare movies here for you folks to peruse. They are not in any order unless you count the fact that the DVDs that were closest to my computer came first. Maybe you can get some ideas for winter watching from this collection. I'd pretty much recommend almost all of them. (Even DREAMCATCHER, which although indisputably wretched is also indisputably hilarious) . Do you have any favorites that I have forgotten? Let me know in the comments section! I'm always looking for another snow movie to chill to!


GINGERSNAPS: THE BEGINNING (2004)
Not the best of the series, but still stunning.


MISERY (1990)
A needs-no-introduction classic.


DEAD ZONE (1983)
CRONENBERG knows cold.


WIND CHILL (2007)
Underrated haunter; part road movie, part ghost story. EMILY BLUNT's frigid character turns down the thermostat even further.


WHISPER (2007)
Runs icy rings around the OMEN remake.


DREAMCATCHER (2003)
Ludicrous and overblown, but the animal exodus scene is beautiful to behold.


WENDIGO (2001)
Low-budget thriller saved by atmosphere and interesting performances.


BLACK CHRISTMAS (2006)
I'm sorry DREAMCATCHER, maybe you aren't the worst in this grouping!


THE SHINING (1980)
Hey look, I didn't use a picture of the hotel OR the maze!


SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT (1984)
Grandpa is my hero in life.


GHOST STORY (1981)
Talk about atmosphere. It may have failed the brilliant novel, but the visual tone is spot on.


DEVIL TIMES FIVE (1974)
I'd rather take a bath with a piranha then give up my copy of this Kindertauma favorite.


THE BOOGENS (1981)
Why is this not high on the remake to-do list? I want a BOOGENS upgrade!


CURTAINS (1983)
Includes one of the best slasher death scenes EVER.


THE THING (1982)
A yet to be dethroned ultimate snowbound terror masterpiece.


CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE (1944)
I think I can blame this film alone for being the catalyst of my snowbound horror obsession. The climax is simply gorgeous.


BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974)
Here is the real deal classic! This movie is so frosty I need to get another hit of hooch!


THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES (2002)
I know I'm a freak, but I totally believe in Sir Moths-a-lot.


SUSPENDED ANIMATION (2001)
From the director of LET'S SCARE JESSICA TO DEATH, if you ask me, he's still got it!


DEAD OF WINTER (1986)
A snowy little salute to HITCHCOCK, perfect for a late night watch.


SILENT NIGHT BLOODY NIGHT (1974)
Two words,… MARY WORONOV


SHREDDER (2003)
O.K. this is a REAL tribute to the '80s slashers, and it's done right.


RAVENOUS (1999)
An inevitable cult classic.


THE DARK HOURS (2005)
I couldn't recommend this movie more. It's so good! My goal in life is to bring it to the stage!


JACK FROST (1996)
It's kind of cheating using Christmas movies, but this one is too bizarre to pass up.


SANTA'S SLAY (2005)
Speaking of holiday horror, nobody is allowed into Kindertrauma Castle during the season without being forced to watch the OPENING SCENE to this must-have horror comedy!


30 DAYS OF NIGHT (2007)
Say what you like. Vampires? Check. Snow? Check. Lancifer in happy place? Double check!!


GREMLINS(1984)
Is any round up on Kindertrauma complete without GREMLINS? The answer is "no." Hey look, you can see Dorry's tavern!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST: SNOW BEAST (1977)
Aunt John would have my head if I didn't mention his favorite all time television movie!

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