Category: Repeat Offenders

Madman Marz is a force to be reckoned with. Not only does he have no problem scouring the forest in his bare feet, but he also (like MY BLOODY VALENTINE's Harry Warden) comes equipped with his own theme song. It doesn't take much to set the guy off, just mention his name and he'll come get you and get you good! Set in a summer camp for so called "gifted" children, and opening around a smoldering campfire, MADMAN is, on the surface, the quintessential eighties slasher film. Why, it's even based on the same legend as THE BURNING. (That legend being: There's a guy in the woods and he's going to kill you!) But to slasher fans around the world with highly trained noses, MADMAN has an aroma all his own (In fact, a victim reveals Marz actually does stink of something, but he's murdered before he can reveal what.) First of all, put all your "final girl" theories back into your nap sack. One young lady in the picture, I won't reveal who, even tries to verbally force herself into that coveted role by saying to another girl "That's the difference between me and you, you are content to sit behind and I'm not. I like to know what's going on!" Sounds like she's going to live right? Wrong. Unless you count having your head decapitated by being stuck under a car hood while Marz stomps on it living! In general people who should live, die and people who seriously deserve to die walk away with only permanent mental scarring to deal with. There's a real weird vibe around the whole movie. Some of it is caused by the nuts-o acting and slogan heavy, hippie-dippy script; some of it is caused by the bullying synth score; most of it is caused by the fact that the film seems to take place in about 100 square feet of space; and that it, from first shot to last, takes place entirely at night. (Slasher rule books state that the viewer is allotted at least two or three shots of the doomed frolicking in the sun before their demise.) Strangely they never show you the colorful locals or the moron cops or anything of the outside world, just the dark, rather well shot woods. (Miraculously, as dark as this movie is, there is never a point where you don't see exactly what you need to). As far as slasher fans go, I know I'm preaching to the choir but all you other folks who assume this is just the same old same old really should give it a try. Madman Marz may look like an oaf, but he's a professional and he knows what he's doing!There are several memorable scenes (the hiding in the refrigerator bit is one) but they all fade away like sidewalk chalk drawings in the rain when held against the most tastefully romantic and emotionally moving musically enhanced hot tub humping scene I've ever encountered in an American film.
UPDATE: MADMAN fans must check out the Vicar of VHS' awesome review for MADMAN (It even includes a shot of J.T.'s infamous belt buckle)and his incredible extended version of THE MADMAN THEME SONG over at M.M.M.M. MOVIES! Go, run, Now!

 

 The most perfect woman who has ever lived (besides my departed me-maw), DEE WALLACE, portrays news anchor woman Karen White in JOE DANTE's loose as it wants to be adaptation of a GARY BRANDER novel. Karen, due to her awesome charisma and no nonsense reporting, has gotten a scoop about a wave of recent murders committed by psycho stalker Eddie Quist (Manson-y ROBERT PICARDO). It appears the creep only wants to talk to her and her alone, and he'd prefer to do it in a sleazy sex shop. Eddie confronts our pristine heroine inside a movie booth showing a not very romantic gang rape video complete with stocking masks, yet before he can get his greasy mitts on our gal pal, he is blasted away by some uncharacteristically competent cops. Karen immediately represses the violent, sexually-charged incident, but as a result starts turning into a sack of potatoes during her nightly broadcast of the news and ultimately, during her special whoopee time with mustachioed boyfriend Terry (CHRISTOPHER STONE looking like he just fought his way off of a BRAWNY advert). It is decided that what Karen needs to get her head straight is some time away from the awful urban hell zone she must report about daily. It just so happens that popular self help guru and behavior expert Dr. George Wagner (PATRICK MACNEE a.k.a. COUNT IBLIS!!!), author of a book on repression entitled "THE GIFT," has a groovy commune nearby complete with fresh air, tennis courts and breathtaking scenery. It's a great idea if you discount the fact that Eddie is a werewolf, that he's NOT dead because he wasn't shot with a silver bullet, that the commune is his favorite hangout and it's infested with dirty unrepressed unrepentant murderous werewolves like himself and that dear sweet Doc Wagner is a secret furry monster too. As a result DEE gets to play the sad sack intuitive nobody believes, husband Terry gets his blue-balls cured thanks to Eddie's sis Marsha (ELISABETH BROOKS) the local nympho-wolf, and all their friends who stop by to see how the cure is taking get to be ripped to shreds by the "feel good" lycanthropic cult.THE HOWLING is an incredibly intelligent and entertaining werewolf movie. Scriptwriter JOHN SAYLES' clever skewering of pop psychology and the media aligned with DANTE's considerable directorial talents and soft spot for sight gags and referencing, topped with the beauty that is anything ROB BOTTIN comes into contact with and the audio wonder that is PINO DONAGGIO (CARRIE) makes this a must own (and must watch repeatedly) classic. I do have one quibble though, that crappy animation insert at the end of the fireside sex scene has always looked out of place and SHODDY to me. Can somebody please fix it pronto? Otherwise this picture is a flawless cameo injected gem that will forever leave your fur standing up on end.   

"Good Evening, From the day we're born there is a battle we must fight. A struggle between what is kind and peaceful in our natures and what is cruel and violent. That choice is our birthright as human beings and the real gift that differentiates us from the animals. It is as natural to us as the air we breathe and all of us take it for granted. But now for some of us that choice has been taken away. A secret society exists and is living among all of us. They are neither people nor animals but something in between. Monstrous mutations whose violent natures must be satisfied. I know what you're thinking because I've been where you are. It's impossible to imagine but I have proof, and tonight I'm going to show you something to make you believe…"

                                  

Produced by the guy who brought you many a FRIDAY THE 13TH sequel (FRANK MANCUSO JR. also brought you I KNOW WHO KILLED ME, but nobody's perfect) APRIL FOOL'S DAY does it's best to swim against the slasher tide and deliver an original offering. Most slashers begin with a false kill or two, or perhaps even feature a character whose morbid sense of humor is questionable, but the clean cut preppies that inhabit this AGATHA CHRISTIE on Crystal Lake suspenser are ALL guilty of favoring the monkeyshines. None more so than Muffy (chipmunk VALLEY GIRL DEBORAH FOREMAN), the center of the pack, who has invited her buddies to her impressive island homestead for a birthday celebration. Since her birthday falls on April first, it's also a great excuse to pull out the whoopee cushions, hand buzzers and retractable knives. Her friends have no issue with following suite and a battle of pranks ensues. Before you can say, "It's all fun until someone loses an eye" some folks start showing up dead (and one guy actually does lose an eye in a boating accident) and it seems something far more sinister is afoot. Director FRED WALTON (WHEN A STRANGER CALLS) goes against the grain by filming the shenanigans in crisp bright colors and it all looks just a bit classier than the standard earthy slasher. Not everyone will be on board when the film's biggest prank is played and it certainly pushes the plausibility factor to it's limit (in other words, don't try this at home!), but most will be having too much fun to care. With its spoiled rich kids, birthday setting, evil twins and elaborate shell game script A.F.D. resembles a light-hearted HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME more than anything in the Vorhees saga. FOREMAN (who even begins to resemble MELISSA SUE ANDERSON the crazier she gets) showcases her talents like never before playing, in effect, duo roles and horror icon AMY STEEL (FRIDAY THE 13th PART 2) is present, as well, to provide a virtuoso final girl performance. Ultimately it's more of a slasher spritzer than a hard shot of gore, but if you can't get behind this tongue-in-cheek, pre-SCREAM convention crusher, the joke is really on you.

• Here's a good joke: Play a tape of a baby crying in the room of your friend who just had an abortion
• Uninvited snake joins in on the festivities
• Thirst-quenching well full of fresh decapitations
• The doll display in the attic
• Muffy and Buffy's basement height chart
• The last final wink

Note: The movie APRIL FOOL'S DAY at one point had an entirely different ending. To find out more about this alternate version you must check out the always valuable RETRO SLASHERS. Webmaster John Klyza not only lists the LOST SCENES but is also kind enough to include an excerpt of the film's NOVELIZATION for your reading pleasure.

 

  Once upon a time, in anticipation for the presumed success of James Cameron's forthcoming THE ABYSS, everybody and their mother made an "Alien Under Water" movie. As far as this shrimpy, Johnny-come-early sub-genre goes GEORGE P.COSMATOS'(OF UNKNOWN ORGIN) LEVIATHAN leads the pack. Does that make it a good movie? Well, let's just say that it's good-ish. The cast is certainly worthy, robot-faced PETER WELLER, sexy AMANDA PAYS (who fought a similar fishy fiend in THE KINDRED), GHOSTBUSTER ERNIE HUDSON and C.H.U.D. alum DANIEL STERN are just a few of the familiar faces you'll find floating around in the tank. They're all coworkers looking forward to the end of a 90-day shift 16000 feet under water mining minerals of some sort. (The crew dynamics and nice guy geologist WELLER's struggle with command are well done.) The fly in the soup is the discovery of a sunken Russian vessel "Leviathan" whose cargo includes mutated skeletal remains and hard to resist toxic vodka. Rather than getting a visit from the standard pink elephant, this harmful hooch, spiked with an experimental gene-altering element designed to produce a "homo-aquaticus," has the drinker growing scales and maybe a tentacle or three. After infection is detected, any and all of the crew's attempts to punch out early are snubbed by greedy number crunching, Medusa-eyed corporate talking head MEG FOSTER via picture phone. Written by BLADE RUNNER's DAVID PEOPLES, the film and its morphing monster's effectiveness varies depending on what movie it's currently trying to ape. When it's mimicking THE THING's isolated paranoia and THE FLY's body nausea it fairs well. It's only when it tries to fit into the too big for it's feet (fins?) ALIENS shoes that it stumbles. Legendary STAN WINSTON's special effects work have certainly been better showcased before; early glimpses of the monster are intriguing yet the final reveal of a flounder headed heap are less so. (You know that you're in trouble when the beast you've designed has to rely on an eleventh hour peppering of random sharks to provide back up.) It's hard to be harsh on a film that from it's inception was born to be a second banana, with it's hokey humor, amiable cast and B-monster trimmings LEVIATHAN, blemishes accepted, does ultimately rise above the surface to provide seriously fun, though sometimes groan-inducing late night entertainment.

• STERN's nick-name "Six-pack" is repeated in every other sentence
• Mouth in a hand! Me likey
• Dejesus' (MICHEAL CARMINE R.I.P.) leachy attack
• Those darn sharks!
• Psycho-eyed MEG FOSTER (was anyone else forced to watch her in THE SCARLET LETTER in school?) gets punched in the face

 

This review is part of the FINAL GIRL film club!!!  

O.K., I'm not a big fan of heist flicks. I don't really care about who ends up with the money and it's usually really frustrating to watch the money exchange hands for two hours just to end up destroyed at the end. I guess the lesson is "Don't be greedy," which I get, but Cyndi Lauper only took about three minutes to get that point across when she sang "Money changes everything." Be all that, as it may, one way to get me to enjoy your heist movie is to add supernatural murderous scarecrows into the mix, that and a little puppy dog named Dax. SCARECROWS includes both the aforementioned plus an ELAYNE BOOSLER look-alike, and an impressive decapitation as well. The sound effects may be atrocious and the dialogue more so, but when push comes to shove SCARECROWS pushes back with a pitchfork and it pushes back hard. Is gore enough to save a movie? The simple answer is a resounding Y-E-S! SCARECROWS delivers more than just gore though. The beginning stinks and it's just way too dark, but it's got more than a couple surprises up its straw-filled sleeve. Just when you think it's delivered its major high point, two others quickly follow. I admit during the big fight scenes, the punches sound cartoon ridiculous but hey, you knew these guys where working on a limited budget the first time you saw a fake-as-hell explosion. As far as the ever growing killer scarecrow sub-genre goes, this rates pretty high. It's gruesomely relentless and although seriously shoddy in places, enough blood is spilt to justify it and its never quite explained title creatures' existence. 

 

• Yelling "Pennies from heaven!" and getting a face full of blood
• Wrist saw-ers: A love story
• You can't go wrong with a talking severed head!
• "Hey Paco…it's me."
• Cigar chomper gets sickled after getting stuck in fence
• Dad's final appearance in the plane followed by more hand grenade play and hilariously badly dubbed screaming

Clad in a sweet pair of L.A. Gear hi-tops and patchwork short shorts, spoiled twenty-something Tory (JENNIFER ANISTON) moves into a dilapidated bungalow in the middle of nowhere with her father. Unbeknownst to the father/daughter duo, and the trio of painters they contract to spruce up the place, there is a gold-obsessed leprechaun (WARWICK DAVIS) locked in a crate in the basement. While Tory and handyman Nathan (KEN OLANDT of APRIL FOOL'S DAY and SUMMER SCHOOL fame) set to painting the side of the house electric blue, the developmentally disabled Ozzie (MARK HOLTON, "It's not for sale, Francis!" from PEE WEE's BIG ADVENTURE) frees the wee monster from his wooden prison. No one believes Ozzie at first when he tells of seeing a leprechaun in the basement, but they all come around pretty quickly after it starts tirelessly terrorizing them for his gold. The leprechaun is pretty persistent, and manages to send Tory's father to the hospital, injures Nathan's leg with a bear trap, and kills a cop and a precious metals expert in his quest. After Tory returns what is believed to be all of the gold hidden in a wishing well, the leprechaun keeps up with his attacks, demanding the return of a final missing coin unfortunately located in Ozzie's stomach. Nathan and Ozzie distract the leprechaun by tossing an assortment of pumps and flats into the yard (aside from having a thing for gold, the leprechaun also has a shoe fetish), so Tory can slip away to a local convalescent home to learn that only a four-leaf clover can stop the pint-sized psycho. Tory and the boys eventually manage to immobilize the tiny terror with a clover and imprison him in the wishing well before the end credits, but not before viewers are subjected to a nightmarish mishmash of bad puns and sight gags that were better delivered by FREDDY KRUEGER.

• All of the scenes involving the leprechaun and his various modes of miniaturized transport: tricycle, toy car, roller skates, wheelchair, and skateboard
• The leprechaun careens through the fence and leaves a perfect outline of his body ala a BUGS BUNNY cartoon
• The leprechaun's tiny hand pops through the receiver and caresses Tory's cheek
• Tory's sizeable portable phone (cellular technology has come along way since 1993)

 

 Right before kicking the bucket with an unsolicited assist from diabolical Dr. Lloyd (mad as a hatter ROD STIEGER, AMERICAN GOTHIC), Amanda Hollins (BAD RONALD's ma KIM HUNTER) informs her son John (DAVID ALLEN BROOKS) that he has an unknown brother named Anthony. She also requests that he go to her house and destroy all evidence of the secret experiments that she has been working on over the years. Rather than heed his mom's dying wish, John invites his girlfriend, his co-workers and a shifty follower of his mom's theoretical writings (AMANDA PAYS , LEVIATHON) up to the old homestead for a weekend of snooping and dropping like flies. What John discovers, besides that his friends are mortal, is that he may have got the looks and brains in the family, but his long lost brother got the amphibian complexion and the desire to maim. If ever there was an unheralded, long lost classic from the eighties this is it. The story moves at a clip, the characters are engaging (GEORGE CLOONEY's ex TALIA BALSAM of CRAWLSPACE is especially good) and most importantly, the latter half of the film is wall-to-wall sludge, stomach busting effects and edge of your sofa suspense. I'm shocked that it does not have a better reputation among horror fans. Sure, it opens like one of those boring, claustrophobic mad scientist in an underground bunker flicks, but once it gets revved up. it plays like the great missing H.P. LOVECRAFT adaptation that STUART GORDON forgot to tell you he made. I have to admit to being partial to tentacles, be they octopus, squid or BOOGEN in origin, and this pictures got' em by the truckload. Why they even sprout out of a watermelon for chrisake! There is a human to fish transformation scene, rickety floorboards that lead to a subterranean pit of mini monsters, and a rousing climax that leaves STIEGER covered in clear gelatinous goo. If you've somehow missed this once late night cable regular, do yourself a favor and track it down. The kill ratio may be low but the slime tide is remarkably high.

• From the That's Gotta Suck! File: Being trapped down in Dr Lloyd's basement full of homicidal open sored puss-faced mutations
• Quiet drive is disturbed by watermelon exploding with creature and every orifice in driver's face being stuffed with tentacles
• Screaming cat-like monstrosity on the operating table
• Melissa (PAYS) violently shoves a fetus critter back in the jar
• John's ultimate showdown with brother Anthony!

 

 GREEN ACRES truly is the place to be! EDDIE ALBERT would have won his famous theme song country vs. city debate with EVA GABOR a lot quicker if he left out the "chores" lyric and simply reminded her of the "C.H.U.D.s!" The Big Apple may have stores and Times Square, but neither of those selling points can be experienced when one is being pulled into a manhole by a glowy-eyed subterranean mutation. For our less citified readers I should explain exactly what a C.H.U.D. is. The acronym stands for "Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller" or "Contamination Hazard Urban Disposal" depending on whom you ask. If you receive the latter reply as an answer to your query, you are probably speaking to someone who is deeply imbedded in the cover-up of these monstrous creatures. In addition, if you've ever found yourself wondering why radiation poisoning is not a viable solution to our country's homeless problem, look no further. It turns out that radiation has a strange effect on the homeless. The sad truth is it turns them into C.H.U.D.s. In the old days before you could just Google such facts, folks had to find out the hard way. Disgruntled fashion photographers (JOHN HEARD), mop topped soup kitchen volunteers (DANIEL STERN) and even widowed (by C.H.U.D.-ly means) police officers (CHRISTOPHER CURRY) had to get their hands dirty to discover what you just learned for free. For those who are thinking, "Just round up all the bag people and transients and ship them off, that'll solve the problem!" I have to disagree. It's actually the illegal transportation of radioactive toxic waste through our sewer systems that is the real culprit here. How can you differentiate between normal homeless people and those that have gotten the C.H.U.D. bug? Well floodlights for eyes and green skin is one fool proof indicator, but try this test the next time you're passing by a hobo camp; just stop and offer up some coinage. If your arm comes back a bloody stump, you're most definitely dealing with a C.H.U.D.!

• Lady walking her dog is pulled into manhole
• Lost father and young daughter use phone booth and accidentally dial 1-800-C.H.U.D.
• Poor puppy is found hanging by leash in sewer
• Considerate C.H.U.D. elongates neck for easier Samurai sword slicing
• HEARD & STEARNS exciting manhole escape!

Irresistibly unhinged legends MARTIN LANDAU, JACK PALANCE and DONALD PLEASENCE all sharing the same screen? The lone voice of reason portrayed by THE A TEAM's "Mad Dog Murdock" DWIGHT SHULTZ? A cameo by LIN SHAYE (DEAD END, 2001 MANIACS)? Really, what have any of us done to deserve such a movie as ALONE IN THE DARK? The early work of director JACK SHOLDER would have one assuming that he was well on his way to becoming a big name in horror. He directed NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2, THE HIDDEN and even edited the legendary THE BURNING. His talent is most clearly on display here though, ALONE which he co-wrote with LIN's producer bro ROBERT SHAYE, is intelligent, tense and truly original. Actually that may have been its downfall. Like the same year's equally ignored and groundbreaking THE SENDER, ALONE takes a stubbornly psychological approach and goes out of its way to work against the slasher mold that had such a firm grip on movie goers at that time. On the surface it's business as usual; escaped lunatics terrorizing a home complete with the standard nubile babysitter, but the difference is these madmen are presented as uncomfortably human and the line that distinguishes them from their prey is smudged whenever possible. Interestingly, the idea of using a disguise to hide behind is played with momentarily in a prophetic scene involving a hockey mask. (ALONE and FRIDAY THE 13th Part 3 which introduced the iconic mask were filmed around the same time and released only a couple months apart so best to chalk it up to the collective unconscious rather than pilfering or tribute). All this humanizing of the psychos may be fun today, but in 1982 it wasn't really what audiences were looking for. ALONE wisely threads black humor into the mix to keep it from getting too heavy and make no mistake, it never flinches when it comes to the gore. Still, viewers made it known they preferred their monsters shadowy and enigmatic, thank you very much. Regardless of its initial reception we're talking classic here folks, one that holds up better then most of it's more successful contemporaries.

• Opening diner dream sequence includes PLEASENCE looking right at home brandishing a cleaver
• The loons run over a mailman
• Bunky (CAROL LEVY) is menaced by a knife blade that appears through the mattress and strangely recalls the shark fin from JAWS
• SIC F*CKS perform "Chop Up Your Mother" at a joint called "Stumps"
• Sis goes to the crazy side and hallucinates a corpse out of the blue
• The brilliant reveal of "The Bleeder"

 

 CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS has tried the patience of many a zombie fan over the years with its purposely annoying cast, focus on sub-witty dialogue, and elongated build-up to a low on intestine-chomping climax. Personally, I have a soft spot for the film. I remember staying up late for it, and being truly terrified by its bizarre soundtrack, questionable reliance on slow-mo, and truly satisfying final frames. Even haters have to admit that there is a delicious CLOVERFIELD moment in this film where you just think to yourself, "I can't wait to see these people die." As a kid, I was just worried for this sad lot trapped on a potter's field island where the dead had come to life. I had no idea that they were sycophantic thespians following their douchebag director's whims, that they had pretty much begged for the outcome that occurs by mocking the dead or even that the two HECKLE AND JECKLE type henchmen were wince inducing over-the-top stereotypes of gay men. Directed by BOB CLARK whose BLACK CHRISTMAS, let's face it, begat HALLOWEEN which, let's face it, begat everything I care about on this planet, and co-written and starring ALAN ORMSBY who not only had his hand in DERANGED and 1982's CAT PEOPLE but also wrote MY BODYGUARD, C.S.P.W.D.T. is as hard to defend as it is to ignore. It may come across like a local theater production of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD with costumes provided by THE MONKEES, but there is a very real sense of being trapped and cornered that always gets to me regardless of the fact that most of the script apparently was later used to provide biting dialogue for THE ROPERS. The defiant refusal to follow a template structure really does pay off once in a while, like when the couple voted most likely to be "final" instead end up unceremoniously eaten. As obnoxious as most of the characters are, they are at least always distinguishable from each other, a rarity these days. Really, how can you not get behind a flick whose most compelling and sympathetic presence is a corpse named Orville?

• The first couple false scares. I admit it I fell for them.
• Val's (VALERIE MAMCHES) cavetch-y incantation
• Sensitive Anya (ANYA ORMSBY) looses her shit
• The dead finally do rise and it's impressively staged
• Coward Alan throws Anya to the undead to save himself
• Lovable Orville gets his just revenge!