Category: Seasons Beatings
Traumafessions :: Reader Donna P. on The Little Drummer Boy
As Christmas draws near and the RANKIN AND BASS specials start popping up on television, I recall a particular RANKIN AND BASS production called THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY. I hadn't seen it in over 30 years so my memories were a bit fuzzy but I was pretty sure I remembered a scene that disturbed me as a child–bandits rob the little drummer boy's home and set it on fire, the boy escapes but his parents perish. The scene that particularly upset was the boy looking back at the house to watch his mother engulfed in flames while tears ran down her face.
Today I found the movie on Veoh.com and decided to watch it, wondering if I'd remembered that scene correctly. When it got to the part about the bandits, there was the house burning, but no weeping mother. Did they cut it out I wondered? I kept watching it and sure enough, later in the movie there is a scene where the boy is angry, remembering what happened to his parents and very quickly their faces appear on the screen, the mother with a tear on her cheek, surrounded by flames. It seemed to be more of a montage of what the bandits did, rather than an actually depiction of his mother burning to death, but as a child that's how I interpreted it.
Babes In Toyland by Kinderpal LaDracul
Hey Kiddies! Your Unkle Lancifer and Aunt John found this nifty review from Kinderpal LaDracul stuck in our Christmas stocking this year! We had almost forgot what a weird trippy nightmare this made-for-television version of BABES IN TOYLAND is. Big thanks to LaDracul for reminding us!
Unlike the LAUREL & HARDY classic MARCH OF THE WOODEN SOLDIERS or the 1961 Disney version with ANNETTE FUNICELLO, the T.V. version of BABES IN TOYLAND from 1986 was pretty darned scary. Nosferatu, compost monsters, a one eyed bird whose eye was like a crystal ball…what was this doing in a Christmas movie, you ask?
The story starts out with a girl named Lisa (DREW BARRYMORE) who is 11 and more concerned with being a homemaker rather than just being a kid. Her sister Mary (JILL SCHOELEN from POPCORN and the ROBERT ENGLUND version of PHANTOM OF THE OPERA) works at a toyshop for her horrible boss Mr. Barney (RICHARD MULLIGAN from SOAP and EMPTY NEST) a guy who is dishonest and makes sexual advances on her. Ick. Also working there are Jack (a then unknown KEANU REEVES) and his friend George (GOOGY GRESS from STUCK ON YOU) who can't stand their boss either. On Christmas Eve, a storm blows through their town of Cincinatti (which I'm wondering how many times it's mentioned in this film), events similar to the beginning of THE WIZARD OF OZ take place, the four heroes are rushing home in Jack's jeep when Lisa falls out on her new sled, hitting a tree and somehow landing in Toyland.
Toyland is filled with two groups: Nursery Rhyme people and Furries. Lots and lots of Furries. But the Furries aren't the disturbing part. Lisa crash lands into a huge wedding cake meant for a wedding that's not supposed to take place. A girl named Mary Contrary is being made to marry Barnaby Barnacle, a very unwashed old man who dresses like a Visual Kei artist and has two dumb, impervious to sunlight Nosferatu that sound like the Tasmanian Devil. The only reason Mary would even consent to this is because he owns her house, and he's keeping her from the man she really likes, Jack Nimble, Jr. It turns out Barnaby is also Jack's uncle, and is preventing him from rightfully taking over his late father's cookie factory. And Barnaby has gone too far this time-he and the creepy Nosferatu have taken the cookies underground and blamed Jack for stealing them. Fortunately, Lisa is willing to do what's right for her new friends, even breaking Jack out of jail.
But they all need help, so they go to the Toymaster (PAT effin' MORITA), who's revealed to them that he's bottled up the essence of evil, to keep it in safe keeping. Of course, Barnaby finds this out through Trollog, this Cyclops bird that looks like a SID & MARTY KROFFT reject that has a crystal ball eye. So he's sent his goons to capture the good guys and get the bottle, but Lisa outsmarts the bird by having it peck at their ropes, painting up its eye, and locking him in a trunk. Of course, this just makes Barnaby intent on making Lisa his new Trollog, and turning the others into monsters. But she's determined not to let that happen as she sings that Cincinatti song from the beginning of the movie and then they're all singing and break out to defeat the trolls, that look like compost heaps.
I'll spare the details on what happens, but you get:
- The world's worst go-cart chase
- KEANU punching out EMPTY NEST guy
- Happy Ending and Ending ripped off from THE WIZARD OF OZ
I was surprised to find out the late PAUL ZINDEL (who wrote a lot of terrific young adult books) was also the screenwriter. I don't know why the filmmakers decided to blatantly rip off THE WIZARD OF OZ, but it was still better than THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS.
Silent Night, Deadly Night (All of 'em!)
This year your Unkle Lancifer decided to give himself the ultimate holiday present by plopping down on the couch and watching all five SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT movies in a row. Did he survive? Did he go mad? You be the judge….
SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT may have been controversial upon its release, but the years have definitely softened its edges. It's hard to imagine anyone getting too upset over what today feels more like a dark satiric comedy. Mad mothers may have took umbrage to television spots depicting a vengeful Saint Nick but let's face it folks, scaring kids into behaving well is a Christmas tradition as old as the holiday itself. As tongue in cheek as much of SILENT is, it does indeed earn its stripes as an eighties slasher. Scream queen LINNEA QUIGLEY's demise is a classic kill all the way and a featured slay ride beheading of a bully truly satisfies. It's all much more sleek and compact then you'd be lead to expect and it's far cleverer as well. LILYAN CHAUVIN, as an intimidating Mother Superior, takes her role seriously and makes a much more frightening impression than the psychologically damaged Billy who dresses up as Santa to dispose of those who have been "naughty." Mother Superior is no match for Grandpa (WILL HARE) though, a phony mute who steals his few scenes with a memorable, twisted Popeye grimace. You'd really have to be a Scrooge not to enjoy what SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT has to offer. It might not have the class of something like BLACK CHRISTMAS, but it's perfect for those who prefer beer to spiked eggnog.
SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT PART 2 is a scam but, as far as scams go, it's hard to stay mad at. Focusing on the younger brother of the original film's killer we are presented with flashback after flashback of the first film. Ricky can even recall the horrible death of his parents by a mad man in a Santa Claus suit even though he was but an infant at the time! There is some interesting editing between the two films, but it's pretty obvious that we are being presented with about half of an original movie. What we do see of Ricky's life is that it mirrors his brother's closely. He too is a tall drink of water that tends to go ballistic when he sees the color red or a nun's habit. Whether the two brothers were more damaged by witnessing the horrible rape and murder of their parents or by their stay at a nun run orphanage is up for debate. Once we get all the filler out of the way, S.N.D.N.2 earns trash classic status. Actor ERIC FREEMAN's interpretation of Ricky is sort of ROWDY RODDY PIPER meets JOAN CRAWFORD, and his mid-day rampage on a suburban street is intoxicatingly postal. He too gets to eventually have a show down with the now inexplicably facially scared Mother Superior, but not before he gets to belch out the immortal line, "It's garbage day!" right before shooting a man for taking out his trash.
SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 3: BETTER WATCH OUT! pushes our tale to its limits. Ricky (now played by BILL MOSELEY) we learn did not actually die in the last installment and is now a Frankenstein-ish medical oddity with a glass salad bowl dome over his head that exposes his brain. Stranger still, he now has a psychic connection to a blind woman. Directed by the usually respectable MONTE HELLMAN, S.N.D.N.3's biggest sin is not its ludicrous plot or even its ponderous dialogue, but it's slow as molasses on Christmas morning pacing. Even still, it does have one of the more interesting casts in the series; besides the aforementioned MOSELEY, there's ROBERT CULP and a troika of DAVID LYNCH alum: ERIC DA RE and RICHARD BEYMER from TWIN PEAKS and future MULHOLLAND DRIVE star LAURA HARRING. None are given much to do in this sadly gore-less third outing, which turns out to be the last gasp of the original's story line.
SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 4: THE INITIATION is considered by most people to be the low point in the series, but your Unkle Lancifer is not most people. Directed by BRIAN YUZNA, and featuring such notables as MAUD ADAMS, REGGIE BANNISTER, CLINT HOWARD and even more amazingly, ALLYCE BEASLEY, Part 4 is a topsy-turvy fever dream of feminist cults, trippy body distortion and squishy jumbo insects care of SCREAMING MAD GEORGE. It has little to do with the earlier installments, outside a brief glimpse of Part 3 on a television screen and it's Christmastime backdrop (it actually would work as a better sequel to YUZNA's SOCIETY). Released in the U.K. as BUGS, this movie is a lunatic collage that really deserves to be taken on it's own terms. It may leave killer Santa fans on the side of the road waving their fists in the air, but this is just the type of funky late-eighties, straight-to-video fare that yours truly lives for.
SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 5: THE TOYMAKER saves the big guns for last and by big guns, I mean MICKEY ROONEY. Maybe I saw the television movie BILL at a far too young age, but ROONEY has always scared the living daylights out of me. His work in the film THE MANIPULATOR still sends shivers down my spine. As someone who requires a certain amount of personal space to be content, something about ROONEY's demeanor makes me think he would not deliver it to me. He comes off as a close talker who's always gotta shove his donkey-braying, elfin mug way too close. In this movie he seems a bit more sober than usual, but he does do a lot of screaming and eventually beats the crap out of his son. Strangely I kind of preferred this evil ROONEY over his usual more jovial-than-thou persona. ROONEY plays Joe Petto, the titular toymaker, and his son is "Pino." Wacky Pinocchio references aside, this is kind of your standard killer toy movie, but the toys are a bit lamer than usual. The one exception is the SCREAMING MAD GEORGE creation "Larry the Larvae" who gets to tunnel through a man's head by way of his mouth and then pops out of his eye. Folks wondering about the fate of Part 4's main character will find her here as a friendly neighbor offering advice learned from experience.
All in all, the SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT series certainly has its weak moments but every once in a while, it delivers in bloody spades. Nothing really touches upon the first film's simple brilliance, but that is usually the case in most horror franchises. Ironically by the end, the series achieves just what JOHN CARPENTER had in mind with HALLOWEEN 3, a selection of loosely interlocking tales centered on a specific holiday. They might not be the most expensive toys in the sack, but at least they are dependably entertaining. I was convinced that after watching all five in a row I would be crying Unkle, but instead I find myself itching for a Part 6!!!
Official Traumatizer :: The Bumble Snow Monster
Perennial yuletide special RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER features not only a cast of societal outcasts seeking to overcome their marginalized statuses, but also one of the most traumatizing creations to come ever out of the legendary RANKIN & BASS doll-mation factory. O.K., maybe the second most terrifying after Miss Lilly Lorraine, but the Bumble Snow Monster of the North (BUMBLE for short) has cut a pretty scaring swatch in the collective psyches of footed-pajama wearers across the world.
As if the verbal humiliation heaped on titular star RUDOLPH and his, closeted, aspiring dentist, pal HERMEY weren't enough to make kids cry, the big ol' nasty BUMBLE, with his google-y eyes, sharp teeth, and luxurious coat of white fur, makes ones of those dramatically unexpected, snowy entrances on par with the crazy scythe-wielding lady from CURTAINS. Just like any great horror antagonist, the BUMBLE has his own unique set of weaknesses: he sinks in water; he prefers pork to deer meat; and he is rendered powerless after having all of his teeth extracted by an effeminate, armchair dentist.
Based purely on the anecdotal evidence presented by Reader Miriam67's comment, the BUMBLE is still striking terror in tiny viewers. Should you have a wee-one scared silly by this beast, please sit them and show them this ameliorative clip*:
*Is it just your AUNT JOHN or does the BENNY HILL theme make everything, how you say, all the more H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S? (And yes, I'm looking at you TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE!)
Kinder-News :: Beware the Pincher Penny
As a special public service announcement to all of the chain jewelry store managers within our readership, your Unkle Lancifer and I would like to make everyone aware of a little thief hitting up all the malls up and down the East coast. You see, it was just yesterday that I, in my kerchief, and Unkle Lancifer, in his cap, set out for Kay Jewelers to shoplift me one of them there to-die-for Open Hearts Necklaces by Jane Seymourâ„¢.
Lancifer and I had our whole grift planned out: I would try on the necklace; he would tell me that it really brings out the brown in my eyes; I would giggle and tell the shop girl that we really couldn't afford such a beautiful piece of jewelry; she would yawn and smile uncomfortably; Lancifer would then fake an epileptic seizure, causing a distraction, and then I would slip off to the food court with necklace while pandemonium ensued. We would then meet up later at the Orange Julius, and maybe split some waffle fries from the Chick-fil-A.
It was a solid plan (and we've used it before successfully to get ourselves some Snuggies from Two Guys).
Anyhows, when we arrived at the shoppe, the display cases were bare… since our little nemesis Penny Woods had already been there.
Check out the surveillance tape below. She sometimes works with an accomplice who pretends to steal her wallet. She is not to be trusted.
Kinder-Editorial :: Intolerance Abounds at the North Pole! by Sam Snowman
AUNT JOHN SEZ: Hey kids, with relatively few shoplifting days left until X-Mas, your Unkle Lancifer and I are off today looking for some last-minute steals. Thankfully, Kinderpal Mickster was kind enough to pass along this essay she received from Sam Snowman, narrator of the RANKIN & BASS classic RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER. Take it away Sam:
It has come to my attention that the North Pole has become a hotbed for intolerance over the years. I believe that I have pinpointed the source of this lack of understanding. Santa Claus himself appears to be the catalyst for the effects plaguing this area. Santa, by his example, has made clear that individuals considered "misfits" should be taunted and bullied. Let us look at the list of offenders.
Donner is the first to notice that there is something different about his son, Rudolph. Immediately, he panics because he knows Santa will not tolerate such differences. This is soon confirmed when Santa comes by to congratulate the couple on the birth of their son. When Santa sees the red nose, he warns Donner that Rudolph won't be able to pull his sleigh in the future, if his nose remains red. Donner, regardless of his wife's objections, decides to hide Rudolph's nonconformity so that others will accept him.
The Head Elf has obviously been trained well by Santa to squash nonconformists like bugs. His borderline violent reaction to Hermey's dream to be a dentist drives that point home. How dare Hermey want to do anything other than toy making?
Comet and the other reindeer start making fun of Rudolph the moment his red nose is revealed thus revealing that they too have been infected by the trickle down effects of prejudice.
An unidentified person obviously banished the misfit toys to the island ruled by King Moonracer. Though I can't be certain, I speculate that Santa was involved. Of course, he would not want the world to think he produces misfit toys. The only way to make the problem disappear would be to get rid of those toys.
Discrimination against females is also a huge problem in the North Pole. Santa belittles Mrs. Claus at every opportunity, and Donner totally disregards his wife's opinions on the subject of child rearing. When it comes time to search for Rudolph, Donner is quick to tell Mrs. Donner that this is, "Man's work."
With all these examples of intolerance, I want to assure you that there are a few individuals with accepting hearts:
- Mrs. Donner wants to do right by her son, but she allows her husband to make all the decisions
- Clarice accepts Rudolph and even finds his difference attractive. She risks punishment from her father to help Rudolph
- Yukon Cornelius calls Hermey and Rudolph misfits, but does decide to help them in spite of their differences
- King Moonracer allows the misfit toys to inhabit his island. He tells Rudolph that he cannot hide from his problems. He also requests that Rudolph speak on the behalf of the misfit toys when he returns to Christmas Town
In the end, it took the misfits' rescue of Donner, Mrs. Donner, and Clarice for individuals to admit their prejudices. Donner apologized to his son, the head elf agreed to let Hermey open a dentist office, Santa asked Rudolph to pull his sleigh, and Santa agreed to pick up the misfit toys.
Unfortunately, a tall, bespectacled elf that wishes to remain anonymous shared his opinion with me, "You can't teach an old elf new tricks. Santa is still an intolerant douche bag. He only agreed to have Rudolph pull his sleigh because of the great blizzard, not because he accepts him." He went on to add this chilling detail, "There is proof that Santa dumped the misfit toys over Siberia with nothing but an umbrella to cushion their fall."
