The WILL VINTON CHRISTMAS CLAYMATION SPECIAL gave me nightmares for years. My mom and sister watched it every year and I was given no choice but to destroy the video. I mean what twisted human creates a Christmas Special for kids hosted by two Dinosaurs named Rex and Herb, and then does a scene of bells ringing with an evil creepy old hunched back man. Seriously, dinosaurs…WTF!
AUNT JOHN SEZ: Normally, your Aunt John turns a blind eye towards the siren-song shenanigans of M.I.L.F.s…. but I am finding it super-hard to resist these blazers, shoulder pads, and dance moves.
AUNT JOHN SEZ: If anyone out there actually got the Viewmaster's Talking 3-D thing-a-ma-bob with MICHAEL JACKSON's THRILLER cartridges, please e-mail Aunt John immediately, and then marry me.
You can't blame kids for loving old Saint Nick, for every year he brings them toys on Christmas Eve and then splits without requiring any sort of face time. Sounds like the perfect relationship to me, so how come parents have to ruin this perfect symbiotic alliance by shoving their toddlers on his lap and taking pictures?
Thankfully my parents never pimped me out in such a fashion. Contrary to popular belief, being forced to sit on an old, fat, gray-bearded stranger's lap for a photo shoot is not my idea of a good time. Obviously many children agree with me because 4 out of 5 Christmas snapshots involve Munchian howls of disapproval by the child involved.
There's even a BOOK out right now celebrating this sadistic ritual abuse. Which means for less than whatever it would cost you to see whatever crappy holiday movie is in the theaters right now, you can ogle at the anguish of confused terror stricken kiddies. How Kindertraumatic!
Note: For even more Satan Santa-induced horror look HERE and HERE.
Hey kids! Unkle Lancifer here and boy have I got a treat for you, it's an early Christmas present from Kindertrauma legend Mickster! Our dear pal was kind enough to send us her views on one of our all time favorite Christmas specials, THE YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS. Is there any greater holiday gift than having a friend who is as cool as Mickster? Not in my book! Take it away Mickster….
The title alone of this 1974 RANKIN/BASS classic sparked terror in the hearts of children. Like all RANKIN/BASS stop-motion specials, it features the voices of stars from the past. SHIRLEY BOOTH (TV's HAZEL) voices Mrs. Claus and MICKEY ROONEY (ANDY HARDY Movies) once again voices Santa Claus. The special begins with Santa, who has a terrible cold, being advised by his doctor, who acts suspiciously like Ebenezer Scrooge, to stay home this Christmas. Santa proceeds to call the elves to "cancel" Christmas. Okay, how many Christmas specials over the years have frightened children by claiming that Christmas could be canceled? Of course, as adults we know this is ridiculous, but as a child, it is a traumatizing idea.
Sparked by an idea from Mrs. Claus, who does an awesome dance number in drag, those super intelligent elves Jingle and Jangle set out to find people that still believe in Santa. Jingle and Jangle bring Vixen along with them. All three end up in South Town and begin their search. The genius elves pretend that Vixen, who is suffering in the Southern heat, is a dog and she is thrown in the pound. Jingle and Jangle question a group of children to see if they believe in Santa, which they don't. They do, however, meet one nice kid named Ignatius "Iggy" Thistlewhite. In the meantime, Santa finds out that Jingle, Jangle, and Vixen have traveled into the "cruel world." Santa races to bring them back and meets Iggy. Iggy is promptly put in his place on the subject of Santa through a wonderfully sad song sung by Santa (in disguise as Mr. Klaus) called, "I Believe in Santa Claus."
Excuse me, I have to wipe the tears from my eyes just thinking about this song. Mrs. Claus comes to get Jingle, Jangle, and Iggy. They all travel to see Snow Miser. Mrs. Claus requests that the Snow Miser let it snow in South Town, USA. What follows is probably the best remembered sequence in the special.
As a child, I found characters of Snow Miser and Heat Miser frightening. I think it was because they were so much larger than Mrs. Claus and the fact that they had creepy miniatures following them around. At the same time, Santa retrieves Vixen and returns to the North Pole. He receives a special letter from a little girl (singing "Blue Christmas") that changes his mind about Christmas.
Sorry, I have use some more tissues as this song makes me weepy too. Let's stop for a commercial break. Take it away Mother Nature!
With the intervention of Mother Nature, Heat Miser allows snow in South Town. All is well again as Santa goes out on his yearly trip. This special premiered in 1974 and I am sure I watched it then, but I was too young to be traumatized. However, I remember specifically being traumatized by it two years later in 1976. I was so upset at one point that I left the room crying. I was convinced that Santa was not coming. My mom had to bring me back to the living room to finish watching.
I love horror movies that utilize a wintry, snowy environment. I'm a sucker for them. They just instantly put me in the proper mood for scares and they are tailor made for watching from under a blanket. Even a horrible movie like DREAMCATCHER is highly watchable to me based on this phenomenon. I've gathered a bunch of snow-scare movies here for you folks to peruse. They are not in any order unless you count the fact that the DVDs that were closest to my computer came first. Maybe you can get some ideas for winter watching from this collection. I'd pretty much recommend almost all of them. (Even DREAMCATCHER, which although indisputably wretched is also indisputably hilarious) . Do you have any favorites that I have forgotten? Let me know in the comments section! I'm always looking for another snow movie to chill to!
For more seasonal fun, be sure to check out:
AUNTIE: As most of you probably don't know, when I am not copy editing TRAUMAFESSIONS and tweaking the behind-the-scenes HTML at Kindertrauma, I am the imaginary C.E.O. and lead fashion designer for Kinder-Factory. I founded Kinder-Factory to fill the void encountered by horror fans like myself who love a good beheading just as much as the Bedazzler. Won't you please join me in my passion for rhinestone-enhanced knitwear with a peek at my signature line of beautifully embellished holiday sweaters?
