Category: Stream Warriors

Have you ever had that thing where you're desperate to watch something and so you peruse the Netflix Streaming, the choices available ON DEMAND, the boxes of VHS tapes that litter your floor and the towering shelves of DVDs that align your walls and still, you are unable to find anything that fits your persnickety mood? How is that possible? Possible or not it happened to me the other night. I was in danger of spending the entire evening loitering in a movie title K-hole. Then I remembered that I had recently been waxing nostalgic over the short-lived supernatural cozy-fest called THE OTHERS. Yes! I made a fort out of quilts and built a campfire out of safe LED tea lights that could never cause harm to my pets and I dug in once again into the pilot episode. And it was perfect. So now I'm going to use this space here to try to convince at least one other fellow human to check it out. I love this spooky character driven show! If I recall correctly, nobody could convince me to leave the house on the Saturday nights that it aired. At this point, I've fully given up hope that it will ever be made available on DVD but the pilot episode is below and the rest of the series is only a Google away. Make sure you stick around to see the episode directed by TOBE HOOPER ("Souls on Board"), and the one with the evil wallpaper, that's a good one too! I'm off to watch some more myself….

Have you heard about the so- called DARK CRYSTAL "Director's Cut"? A bunch of folks have already written about this wonderful thing and now I'm going to as well on account of it's just too specifically kindertraumatic for me to resist. Once upon a time, it seems there was an earlier version of THE DARK CRYSTAL. It was shown to a preview audience to get their reaction and their reaction was mostly stuff like, "What was that?", "Huh?", "Come again? " and, "I want my mommy!" The movie had to be altered in order to more likely receive wider acceptance and so rambling scenes were chiseled down and explanatory dialogue and clarifying voiceovers were added. Finally the movie was deemed ready for popular consumption and this new easier to digest version was released to the masses who reacted mostly with stuff like "What was that?", "Huh?", "Come again?" and "I still want my mommy!"

Yay, THE DARK CRSTAL (shaking Kermit arms above head)! It's beautiful, obtuse, crazy-making, corny, gorgeous, mystical and as disturbing as a bad dream. It's a truly singular visionary work that gets better with each passing day. It's awesome and freaky and sometimes boring in any form but yeah, a few nips and tucks do make a big difference. Hey, movies, or any art for that matter, are incantations and of course you can't alter a speck of the spell and expect the exact same results.

The big news is that some guy by the name of Christopher Orgeron had access to a ratty old copy of the original version and like a saint, decided to painstakingly craft it back together as best he could. Nicer still, he wants to share his accomplishment with us! What he did from the best of my ability to understand is, keep the original soundtrack in place, leave in everything that was later removed and spackle on top the better picture of the standard version wherever possible. So sometimes the picture and the sound can get wonky but it's the closest you're likely to get to JIM HENSON's original, preview audience disapproved stab. It's pretty cool.

The biggest difference is that those horrifying plucked rooster demons, the Skeksis, now speak their own language and we are not privy to their words. It works great because you can kind of guess what they're going on about but the language barrier makes them all that much more alien and off-putting.

The other thing is, and this is just me, I'm totally fascinated by the (minimal) scenes that are of the shoddy quality that Orgeron would probably prefer to do without completely. Content wise they are inconsequential but wow, they come off like bizarre radio signals from another planet (or BEGOTTEN or some super early episode of DOCTOR WHO). They are so hauntingly strange, I half wanted to watch the whole movie in this vague, craptastic static-o-rama style. Which makes no sense because DARK CRYSTAL is so pretty and nice with the purple but whatever. Is this version any more kindertraumatic? Hmm. Yeah I think so, but it should be mentioned that the most disturbing parts of DARK CRYSTAL are front and center in both versions. Still, the estranging effect of holding the audiences' hands to a lesser degree does make a difference. Fans of the film should check it out below or download it HERE. Thanks Christopher Orgeron! What a noble endeavor!

We just don't talk enough about 1985's THE MUTILATOR around here! Sure it's shown up in a Funhouse or an IAHTKY or two but THE MUTILATOR demands more! It's my fault I guess. It's just that this movie tends to bring up unpleasant memories of the time when I was a kid and I thought I'd clean my dad's rifle as a birthday surprise and I instead (accidently!) shot and killed my mother who was decorating a cake in the other room. Boy did I get in trouble that day! But you know, I'm over it now. The past is the past! Today is what matters and I just want to enjoy my fall break and watch THE MUTILATOR!

Only about two people in this movie can act and I'm generously doubling the harsh reality that only one can. You should also be warned that if you like it when the information that goes inside your head makes sense, this movie will hurt you.
Highfalutin folks can criticize THE MUTILATOR ‘til the cows come home but around these parts, the only thing that matters is entertainment value and trauma value and THE MUTILATOR has both. This movie is knee slapping hilarious one second and I must say, strangely disturbing the next. Nothing that takes place seems real but that doesn't mean that I don't find myself worried about the psychological health of the person who came up with it. Also has anyone ever put a garage to better use in a horror film? Hmmm, maybe in SCREAM but that would be years later.

THE MUTILATOR may be profoundly lacking on the surface (and truth be told unwatchable for many) and yet somewhere in its murky crevices strongly beats the heart of genuine horror. Hollywood can throw as much money as it wants at a project, nothing beats the power of one possibly insane but obviously sincere creative mind. I guess what I'm trying to say is that this movie is as dumb as a lamp post but a surprisingly vicious lamp post with a really awesome decapitation scene up its sleeve. Not that lamp posts have sleeves. Speaking of lamp posts, this movie is way too dark! Can someone please for the love of God put it on DVD so that I might be able to see what's going on when the kids are playing "blind man's bluff"? Until such a glorious day arrives, we must warm our hands at the dwindling YouTube flame. Watch it by noon, by 5, by midnight. Bye bye.

Today's viewing selection ICED, (1988) was recommended by our old pal Amanda By Night of MADE FOR TV MAYHEM fame. It's an eighties slasher flick that takes place in an isolated ski cabin so how can it not be good? But it's not good! In fact, the first death, the catalyst for all the bloodshed to follow, involves a guy lamely falling on some rocks! Falling on some rocks is no way to die in a slasher movie! This did not bode well. I began to wonder if Amanda was in her right mind recommending ICED. She has been a little overworked lately. Maybe she needed a vacation in a ski lodge and that explained her attraction to this abomination! I decided to watch on regardless and have some faith in my friend and I'm glad I did. ICED is like skiing itself, you have to slog up a steep hill but once you get to a certain point, you can just let go and let gravity do the rest. I suppose you have to wait for ICED to reprogram your head and dismantle your defenses. Once you get it into your brain that logic and reason are far from welcome ideas in the world of ICED it is a non-stop party…a joyride even! You do not change ICED, ICED changes you!

There's no point of me telling you the plot because you already know it and it would be folly to attempt to list this film's crimes against reason because they are legion. You may be thinking, "Hahaha, another campy cheesefest how cute!" No, no, no. You do not understand ICED. This movie is gloriously, joyously, spectacularly inept and lives on a level all by itself. Nobody can even talk like a normal human for one second in this move. The dialogue will tattoo itself upon your heart and stay there until the day you are dead. Even more bizarre than the movie's inanity is the uncomfortable fact that its prerequisite chase finale is actually rather rousing! How is that possible? I dunno. It shouldn't be. I blame the score and what a score it is!

Let me add too that here are some real stand outs in this cast and its very difficult for me to pick a favorite but I'm heavily leaning toward "Jeanette" (THE ADDAMS FAMILY's LISA LORING) who has some major relationship issues and Carl (RON KOLOGIE) who has a tiny, tiny, ponytail. It's too bad that Carl feels the need to sexually assault poor Jeanette but I guess it's okay because she relaxes in a hot tub afterward. I could go on and on and on except I can't because frankly, I'm a touch hung over having stayed up too late last night with some whiskey watching ICED for a second time! Is there any better testament to its awesomeness than that? Oh, Amanda I shall never doubt you or trust a snowman ever again.

After all the SPOOKIES love last Sunday I was all set to spotlight THE WILLIES today but then something happened. Late last night while reality and logic were fast asleep in their bunk beds, I stumbled across DEMON WIND (1990)! Many a yarn ago (a yarn is a year in Battlestar Galactica-ville) we received a "Name That Trauma" about a cabin that was demolished on the outside and yet totally intact on the inside (HERE). The film in question turned out to be DEMON WIND, which I had regrettably never seen. I made a mental note to check it out on YouTube but by the time I got around to it, it had disappeared! Rats and double rats! Then, to pour salt on my tender wounds, reliable sources like Matty from Boston and Enzo S. sang the praises of DEMON WIND within their respective "It's a Horror to Know You!" posts! I probably should have bought a VHS copy right then an there but instead I went into a corner and prayed to God that one day DEMON WIND would return to YouTube even if only for a brief period so that I would not have to endure the pains of the postal system. Dumb story, dumber, right before I hit the hay last night, God contacted me through a headless Hummel figurine and was all like, "Oh, I'm sorry, I totally forgot you requested that! We're so backed up here and your prayer was accidently received as junk mail. Here ya go- Here's DEMON WIND on YouTube…"

DEMON WIND is terrible and eerie and strangely trance inducing and incredibly fantastic and also hilarious and wonderful and eye-poppingly bizarre. I think it changed my life. Yes, it did. It changed my life. I wish somebody could explain why DEMON WIND is not shown on T.V. everyday around the clock on a DEMON WIND Channel. I trust that writer/director CHARLES PHILIP MOORE is currently safely and securely kept in a mental hospital and that the key to his cell has been thrown into a volcano. You don't understand! People explode in this movie and turn into infants! There's a giant skull with a snake tongue and an egg opened up and spilled larvae! There are magicians and they play hacky sack with beer cans (?) and spin around with Kung fu kicks! Wait a minute, did I really see this movie or did I dream it? Oh my Lord, so many possessed demons and or zombies roaming the countryside that is paroled by an evil fog! Did I mention the horrifying taking doll?

All right, you just have to watch DEMON WIND is all there is to it. Trust me, DEMON WIND is going to come up at every holiday gathering you attend this season and you'll want to have seen it so that you might join in the conversation and share your learned opinion. I can't believe I wasted my life by not training to be a Kung fu magician. I really blew it.

Thanks to our buddy JOHN SULLIVAN's recent IAHTKY everybody around the kindertrauma offices has come down with SPOOKIES fever (our offices consist of myself and five cats under my employ). Now that I think about, J.M. COZZOLI of ZOMBO's CLOSET revealed his soft spot for SPOOKIES in his IAHTKY too. Now it's time for everybody who hasn't seen it before to get a load of what all the fuss is about! I'm happy to tell you that some nice person uploaded the flick onto YouTube! The cool thing is that it's presented in one piece and it's lifted from what looks like a decent DVD! Because of all the sad licensing issues that have plagued this film since its inception, it is very possible that it will never make it to DVD. Sure you could buy an old used VHS if you wanted but I'm thinking the color and picture quality is better here! As always, it could vanish at any time so this is your big chance!

The first thing you will notice about SPOOKIES is that it makes no sense. The second thing you will notice is that you don't really care because it has a zillion monsters in it and the special effects are the kind of which your soul has been craving. The reason this movie is such a jumble is because it was made as something else entirely by two directors, lost its financing before completion and then scenes with little relation were filmed by a third director and used to patch up the holes! It sounds like a recipe for disaster and I suppose it is for fussbudgets who like their movies comprehensible. For those who prefer people who transform into giant spiders over coherence, this is a windfall!

Perhaps SPOOKIES' biggest drawback is that it lacks any humans you can relate to but it's a fair trade for "Duke" (NICK GIONTA), who by rights should go down in history as one of the biggest and most entertainingly annoying jerk characters in all of horror! (I think his only real competition would be Wildman from FINAL EXAM or Dr. Crews from FRIDAY 7 or maybe the decapitated head of Kristen's mom from ELM STREET 3 or any of those greedy guys that insist on going forward with a community event even though it's a bad idea because of a hungry monster being in the vicinity.) Anyway, you get a witch too and the witch is cool. Plus farting zombies and a fantastic score that is pure unadulterated 80s pleasure. Watch SPOOKIES below!

I've got a good one for you today but I'll warn you in advance that it may require some patience on account of it's chopped into a dozen or so 10 –minute increments on YouTube and the subtitles are on the wonky side. VENENO PARA LAS HADAS (POISON FOR THE FAIRIES) is a 1984 film from Mexico written and directed by CARLOS ENRIQUE TABOADA. It's about the relationship between two outcast ten-year-old girls one of which fancies herself a witch.

Young Veronica (ANA PATRICIA ROJO) is a troubled girl whose main source of entertainment is listening to creepy stories about witches told by her creepy grandmother's equally creepy caretaker. The tales mesmerize her and as someone who feels powerless in her own life, she is intrigued by the dominance and command the witches display. A new girl arrives at her school named Flavia (ELSA MARIA) who enjoys a much more comfortable living situation, yet shares in Veronica's sense of not fitting in. A friendship quickly ignites and it's a fascinating one. These characters are mere kids but Veronica's manipulations to achieve dominance and subjugate her playmate might remind you of every horrible adult you ever met. What could have been a mutually beneficial friendship between the two turns into a near master and servant situation as Veronica convinces Flavia that every tragedy that occurs is the result of her all-powerful black magic. Never satiated, Veronica demands more and more from Flavia until she makes the world's dumbest mistake and requests Flavia's beloved puppy and that's when shit gets real.

Obviously I'm going to love this movie. It's about witches and creepy kids and it's kind of like a cross between HEAVENLY CREATURES (1994) and THE BAD SEED (1956) (or THE OTHER (1972)?) with a smidge of a preteen BAD INFLUENCE (1990) thrown in. Also, when I was a youngin' I was semi obsessed with the book THE VOICE IN THE NIGHT by BRIAN COFFEY (who turned out to be DEAN KOONTZ) and the relationship in this film reminded me an awful lot of the one in that. There's a kind a yin yang thing going on and I found myself bouncing back and forth between which character (the nice one or the not so nice one) I identified with more. Anyway, if I didn't have you at the word "witch" maybe you should just go about your day concerning yourself with something else. I'm just sitting here glad to know that no matter how long I dig into this genre I can still find something I didn't know I needed to see. The First Youtube segment is below and I'll put the others in order in the comment section. If the subtitles don't work for you, just click on the "CC" button!