Category: Stream Warriors

How's about let's do something different this week!? I know it probably seems that I love everything but that is far from the case. I'd just rather talk about the films I enjoy and I figure if anybody desires feigned outrage, pointless fussbudgetry and persnickety cynicism, they can always visit an IMDb board! Every once in a while though, it's probably good to clear out the rain gutters. So, in the spirit of spring cleaning, let me now share some Netflix Streaming films that, for whatever reason, failed to float my boat! If you yourself enjoyed any of the following, my apologies and good for you. I never say never and I invite these films to seek me out on a later date and convert me if they can!

THE RAVEN (2012)

I wasn't asking too much from THE RAVEN. I only needed it to respectfully capture its time period, throw in a few POE references and tell a reasonably engaging story. I figured if I could look past the convolutions in SLEEPY HOLLOW and the atrocious acting in BRAM STOKER's DRACULA anything was doable. What I wasn't counting on was the misguided casting of the usually likable JOHN CUSAK. I'm guessing an attempt was made to present a lovably roguish character a ‘la ROBERT DOWNEY JR. in GUY RITCHIE's SHERLOCK HOLMES flicks (both of which I did enjoy) but all we end up with here is an annoying prick. The one saving grace of the movie is LUKE EVANS and I have a theory that this whole thing might have worked if he and CUSAK just switched roles. Nah, probably not.

GRAVE ENCOUNTERS 2 (2012)

This one makes me sad. The first film was fun as hell and made me rethink all my prejudices concerning found footage movies. This one is exactly the movie I mistook the first one for. If you are wondering what the original would have been like with an intolerable cast… here is your answer. Also, I think somebody is gravely overestimating the terror value of elongated mouths.

SHARK NIGHT (2011)

You'd think aiming as low as possible might ensure some level of success but not in this case. There are plenty more fish in the shark movie sea, pick any and you'd be better off (I suggest JAWS: THE REVENGE, at least its funny) Thank God we'll always have THE INNKEEPERS to remind us what SARA PAXTON is actually capable of.

KILLER'S MOON (1978)

A bus full of schoolgirls face off against four escaped mental patients tripping on LSD! I don't know how this movie finds a way to be boring but it does. On the plus side, it stars a three legged dog named Hannah who lost her leg in a real life pub robbery and won an award for bravery! Hannah deserves better roles!

CIARON FOY's CITADEL (2012) is a movie about fear, particularly debilitating fear. ANEURIN BARNARD plays Tommy, a man who witnesses a violent and ultimately fatal attack upon his pregnant wife by hooded youths. The unborn baby survives but Tommy's perception of the world does not. Everywhere he looks he sees his wife's attackers and they appear to be multiplying and taking on hideous unnatural forms. He becomes convinced that the suddenly BROOD-esque troll squad want to snatch his baby and he's terrified that he'll fail again at protecting his own. Sympathetic nurse Marie (WUNMI MOSAKU) tries her best to pull the movie back into the realm of reality (where Tommy's suspicions can be attributed to post traumatic stress) but writer/director FOY shoos her away with a lead pipe and we're left trapped in the world built by Tommy's psychosis where the only way out (sorry, shotguns, chainsaws and quippy one-liners) is facing his fear head on.

Now this a horror movie. As frustrating as it may be to some viewers, here is a film that is not afraid to delve into feelings of powerlessness and doesn't let you off the hook with fantasy heroics. It plays out like a nightmare, the kind where you want to move your legs but can't, the kind where you need to protect something other than yourself and fail, the kind where things don't always go your way and your best option could be to simply hide and hope you're not seen. We're not traveling the pandering pay-off strewn path of mainstream cinema, we're being lead by the nose through the trenches of mental distress and raging paranoia where frankly, you're anxiety's bitch. One of the reasons FOY isn't tied to selling the old "we can all lift trucks off of babies when we really need to" theory, may be because he himself was the victim of a brutal attack at the age of 18 and suffered the psychological effects first hand. CITADEL isn't the story of what happened, it's a purging of what it felt like happened and that's what makes it so solid and substantial. Through Tommy and HOY's eyes, buildings come across as giant tombstones, tunnels become crypts, doors resemble glass coffins and dread is omnipresent. I'd put this one up on the shelf next to JACOB'S LADDER and POLANSKI's REPULSION and I thank HOY for sharing something that horror fans too often cower from, the true fallout of fear.

On account of the Easter bunny I neglected to do a Sunday Streaming post last weekend. Now I'm going to make up for that. Don't worry this is going to be short because if ever there was a movie you should know as little as possible about before seeing it, it's Andres Baiz's THE HIDDEN FACE (LA CARA ACULTA). Promise me that whatever you do, you will not watch the trailer! The trailer needs to shut up and so you will not be seeing it here! I will chase it away with a broom! Get lost trailer!

THE HIDDEN FACE is an incredibly engrossing psychological thriller and even though it's about as violent as a throw pillow, it succeeds at being exceedingly tense and rousing. It's about this guy named Adrian whose girlfriend unexpectedly vanishes, leaving behind only a vague adios video. He's devastated for a while but promptly gets chummy with a pretty waitress named Fabiana. Soon Adrian and Fabiana are shacking up and she's discovering that his house is prone to spooky sounds and that the police think the first girlfriend's disappearance smells fishy…and then a zillion things you'd never expect that I refuse to tell you happen! It should be dark and rainy when you watch this but then again, it should be dark and rainy all the time as far as I'm concerned. Feel free to expect whatever you like, no matter what path you start on, you'll end up finding yourself on another. On top of the indisputable thrills, I'd say this movie is a pretty slick rumination on the anxiety that generates from the inevitable blind spots in human relationships. There's a perverse thrill on display over how easily judgmental perceptions are toppled with just a little bit of added information. O.K. now I'm stalling. If you enjoy subtle atmospheric thrillers and the taste of your own fingernails, get on this one!

There are many fine things in this world that are simply not built to obtain universal appeal. Maybe it's more important to concern ourselves not with how many people appreciate something, but the depth of the feeling of those who do. I can tell you with certainty that not everybody is going to get/enjoy THE ECLIPSE (2009) but I guarantee a few folks are going to think it's outstanding. If you are interested in the supernatural that should aid in your affection for it and if you've got some Irish in your blood, well that won't hurt either. Can you withstand a romantic drama that features adult characters? Do you have patience? Do you mind the quiet? Do you like to read? Yeses to these questions will come in handy. You might also be required to be the type of person who can live with not everything being identified, tagged and put away in the proper drawer. Most urgently though, I suspect you'd better believe in ghosts. Hopefully you've even encountered one or two.

The haunted looking CIARAN HINDS (THERE WILL BE BLOOD) plays a widower knee deep in grief whose job it is to chauffer authors about a small seaside town during a literary festival. Lately he's been seeing spooky apparitions and so he cozies up to a novelist (IBEN HJEJLE) whose writing suggests she'd be less skeptical than most. She's got some baggage too, most notably a lecherous, drunk hook up (AIDAN QUINN) that she can't seem to scrape off her shoe. Basically we've got a four-sided love triangle with one of those sides being already dead. I love this cast. CIABRAN breaks your heart and HJEJLE should be in so many more movies. I kept thinking that I knew her somehow and yes, I do; I met her in HIGH FIDELITY and MIFUNE years ago and then we totally lost touch. Do you know who has aged well? AIDAN QUINN. Here he's playing against type as a belligerent miscreant and he's surprisingly successful at being repellent!

Here's something else I should confess. There is a scare in this movie that knocked my unsuspecting boots off. I can't promise it'll have the same effect on you, but it really, truly got to me. Maybe I was taken off guard because the movie is so generally hushed and melancholic or maybe it was just really late at night. Perhaps I was somewhat hypnotized by HJEJLE's character reading out loud a finely tuned description of how the mind reacts when facing the dead. I don't want to spoil the shock for those who might be susceptible too, but a big heap of the credit falls on the way the music is handled. You are sort of surrounded by soaring angelic chanting that abruptly transforms into a horrific banshee shriek and it's like a marching band walking on your grave. I felt like somebody poured a tub of ice water down the back of my shirt and the sensation stuck around. I know, now I've got your expectations up and you'll watch it and be bored out of your skull. Sorry about that but even if your hair does not turn as white as mine did, you may still find this worthwhile. But again, only if you like ghosts stories and only if you can stand the quiet.

Today's Sunday Streaming pick is PENELOPE SPHEERIS' THE BOYS NEXT DOOR! How can you say no to both a psycho killing spree road movie and a sleazy L.A. circa 1985 flick all in one? This is a movie that I once caught on late night cable a zillion years ago and it left a permanent mark on my brain. I found it really compelling and impossible to turn off and yet I never wanted to watch it again because it disturbed me. I should lie and tell you that I was disturbed by the vicious misogynistic, racist, homophobic killings that pepper the film or even that I took offense to an old lady being conked on the head with a beer bottle but the sad truth is, I was rattled by the fact that a little dog is kidnapped and left on a beach far away from home!

The "boys" of the title are Roy (a post-GREASE 2 MAXWELL CAULFIELD) and Bo (a pre-PLATOON CHARLIE SHEEN). Rebels without a conscious, the two have just graduated high school and have only soulless factory work to look forward to. SHEEN is the ghost of his father in BADLANDS and CAUFIELD does his best American sociopath by dropping his accent and lumbering around like an inhabitant of THE ISLAND OF DOCTOR MOREAU. Ignored by their parents and scorned by their peers, you can't blame these two for stealing a car and searching for greener pastures. Unfortunately for many, they are unable to outdrive the lit wick of the explosive rage they have against the world that's not their oyster. It's not long before innocent drunk cougars (PATTI D'ARBANVILLE) and optimistic gay dudes are being beaten to death for inviting the wolves in tight sheep clothing home.

THE BOYS NEXT DOOR is built to unnerve, it opens with news clippings reminding us how harmless appearing the most savage serial killers are. Like many films focusing on those who break against society the audience may find themselves torn between being mortified by their escalating deeds and oddly pulling for them not to get caught. SPHEERIS keeps things from getting too heavy by throwing in a cop that we can relate to (CAULFIELD's GREASE 2 co-star CHRISTOPHER McDONALD) and by drumming up energy with a lively soundtrack. Roy and Bo's actions aren't nearly as fascinating as their complicated relationship but how deep you want to dive into that psychological tar pit is up to you. I'm thinking for many seeing 1985 captured in a bottle complete with a MOON UNIT ZAPPA appearance should be enough.

UNK SEZ: Every winner is currently available on Netflix Streaming!

Actress In A Supporting Role: AUDRA LINDLEY, SPELLBINDER (1988)

Actor In A Supporting Role: JEFFREY COMBS, DARK HOUSE (2009)

Music (Original Score): STELVIO CIPRIANI, TENTACLES (1977)

Music (Original Song): ALICE COOPER "Identity Crisis" MONSTER DOG (1984)

Production Design: DOLLS (1987)

Visual Effects: POLTERGEIST III (1988)

Makeup: THE BEAST WITHIN (1982)

Costume Design: THE SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE (1982)

Hair Styling: THE BABY (1973)

Achievement In Dentistry: LEVIATHAN (1989)

Writing (Adapted Screenplay): THE SENTINEL (1977)

Writing (Original Screenplay): KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE (1988)

Cinematography: EATEN ALIVE (1977)

Foreign Language Film: TROLL HUNTER(2010)

Documentary: HER MASTER'S VOICE (2012)

Actress In A Leading Role: GLORIA GRAHAME, BLOOD AND LACE (1971)

Actor In A Leading Role: STEVE RAILSBACK, SCISSORS (1991)

Actress In A Chearleading Role: KELLI MARONEY, NIGHT OF THE COMET (1984)

Actor In A People Eating Role: JEREMY RENNER: DAHMER (2002)

Prom King And Queen: TOM SIZEMORE & LINDA HUNT, THE RELIC (1997)

Most Romantic Monkey: "Ella" aka BOO, MONKEY SHINES (1988)

Best This Thing: DOG A-PILLAR? HOUSE 2: THE SECOND STORY (1987)

Directing: JEFF LIEBERMAN, SQUIRM (1976)

Best Picture: HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP (1980)

Can I recommend 75% of this movie and warn you about the remaining 25%? If you can appreciate a thoroughly eighties supernatural thriller complete with a shamelessly obtrusive soundtrack, grievous apparel and a near non-stop barrage of light shafts shooting through Venetian blinds then you, like me, will want to see this. The rub is that to experience these wonderful things you'll also have to endure PIERCE BROSNAN speaking with an excruciating French accent. It sounds easier than it is. My tip is to use your imagination and pretend that it is not happening, that's what I did. I just kept a straight face and willed myself into hearing something different than what I was. It's worth the effort because as mawkish as this movie can sometimes be, it also, occasionally, hits a profoundly eerie note especially if you watch it late at night when your brain is partially defenseless. There's a scene in this flick involving a nun that is straight out of THE SENTINEL. I'm not exactly sure what it meant or why it happened but it spooked me all the same. In fact, there's much creativity on display involving the mixing of perspectives and realities, even if every artsy stab doesn't successfully hit its mark. I'm even going to forgive the near nuclear level of soapy melodrama it secretes because I'm rationalizing that it adds to the dream like tone. But again, you must brace yourself for the accent.

You'd never know it but NOMADS is about a group of wandering evil spirits haunting L.A. in the guise of MTV-style hooligans. Once you become aware of them you're better off dead because they will not stop harassing you and they will even drive motorcycles into your house! There's a lot of delectable mumbo jumbo about these rascals being attracted to places where awful things have occurred and about Los Angeles being built on a desert that no one should call home. As far as my needs are concerned though, the most important thing to know about this demonic tribe is that they are portrayed by the likes of ADAM ANT, JOSIE COTTON and I shit you not, MARY WORONOV!!! Witnessing WORONOV dancing on the hood of a car is worth enduring a thousand phony baloney accents! Sorry, I don't mean to beat a dead horse, it's just that I'm convinced that BROSNAN's accent is solely responsible for this movie being marginalized and worse still, it's really so unnecessary to the story! (Seriously, if I was a producer who saw a rough cut I would have got on the horn and demanded the whole thing be re-dubbed.) Sans grueling accent, you may not have a blockbuster but at least you've got a stylish, super-quirky, mind-trippy, cult-oddity that ridiculous though it may be, leaves a uniquely haunting impression. Frankly I'm a little surprised that writer/ director JOHN McTIERNAN was ever allowed to work again, but I'm so glad he was because he later delivered the classics DIE HARD and PREDATOR! Tres bien!

JOE DANTE's THE HOWLING is one of the best werewolf movies ever made but the litter of disconnected sequels running around with its name on their collar are mostly runts. The possible lone exception is THE HOWLING 5: THE REBIRTH which has recently shown up on Netflix Streaming. I wouldn't blame anyone for not wanting to jump into the fifth installment of a notoriously lackluster series but this flick can stand alone and might be better thought of as a loose remake of THE BEAST MUST DIE!. The pacing can be sluggish and the acting can be woeful but you may find yourself happily looking past any and all faults in order to hang out in such a fantastic setting. THE HOWLING 5 takes place in a desolate castle in Budapest, full of secret passages and candle lit halls and best of all there is a impenetrable blizzard raging outside!

The set-up is akin to a classic whodunit mystery with a group of strangers receiving invitations to show up for an event only to be isolated and killed off one by one, in this case by a guest who happens to have fangs. Why, there's even a shady butler and creepy maid on board to fill out the suspect/victim list! On Netflix the movie is presented full screen and looks every inch a VHS rental or late night cable watch circa 1989. I should warn you in advance that there are no gooey transformation scenes and that our werewolf is only shown in the briefest of flashes. I know that's sad but it ultimately adds to the effect that you are watching something classier than you are. If it's any consolation, THE HOWLING 5 does sport a mean decapitation, it's not bloody but it's well staged and fiendishly cruel enough to get a thumbs up from me. Approach this one with an open mind, I have a feeling as soon as your ears catch the gloomy goth late-eighties score you'll want to save this puppy from the pound.

Hey it's Sunday Streaming time again! The movie I'm recommending today, FRAGILE (2005), certainly deserves a more in depth examination on this site but for now let me just say that if you are a fan of ghost stories, you'll want to see it. It's directed by the hugely talented JAUME BALAQUERO who delivered the horrifying adaptation of RAMSEY CAMPBELL's THE NAMELESS, the flawed but atmospheric DARKNESS and the instant classic [REC]. As is frequently the case with Netflix Streaming, you'll do yourself a favor by ignoring the advertising art supplied which consists of a floating, half space alien looking face and a sadly more meaningless by the minute FANGORIA FRIGHT FEST banner. Do not be worried that ubiquitous late nineties menace CALISTA (ALLIE MCBEAL) FLOCKHART stars, she's quite good in it and the more you think abut it, the more her brittle, twitchy presence makes sense.

FLOCKHART plays nurse Amy Nicholls who has recently started working the night shift at an unnervingly grim children's hospital that is in the midst of packing up and closing down. The children speak of a ghostly presence that lingers on the abandoned second floor named Charlotte who is creepily described as a "mechanical" girl. By all appearances this spirit seems to be raging against being left behind and has taken to smashing bones and throwing people out windows. Of course, nothing is as it seems, there is a mystery that must be solved and Amy must separate the hospital's woeful history from the guilty baggage she brought with her. FRAGILE goes to some seriously dank, dark and convincingly eerie, seriously scary places and like all the best ghost stories it has a tragic heart that plays with your sympathies as much as your fears. File this one right between HOUSE OF VOICES and THE ORPHANAGE. If it's not as well regarded as those two flicks it's only due to its willingness to dive further into unpleasantness.