kindertrauma

Category: Stream Warriors

Sunday Streaming:: The Devil's Rock (2011)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

First off, allow me to thank our pal Chuckles72 for guiding me towards this movie on Netflix Streaming. I would have never watched it on my own accord because the poster art representing the flick (at least on Netflix) stinks. I know that sex sells but it grinds my gears when a dumb image is used to sell a smart movie because what better way to repel the people who might actually enjoy the film while also disappointing those who fell for your mislead? Unlike the advertising art, THE DEVIL'S ROCK is not about a sexy Nazi lady and my apologies to the actress in the film who does an excellent job of not slipping into Velveeta only to be photo-shopped swimming in it later. I also have to admit that adding to my aversion is the fact that I'm a hard sell when it comes to war movies. The way some folks feel about horror (Why would anyone choose to watch that?) is how I generally feel about war movies (with the lone exception of FULL METAL JACKET because…KUBRICK). I tell you this only to underline that Chuckles had his work cut out for him in swaying me but being aware of his exceptional taste based on his IAHTKY, I knew I had to trust him!

And he was right. THE DEVIL'S ROCK is a well-acted and bewitching occult thriller and I'm all for a movie being compact and dialogue-driven while still having zero qualms about letting the heads roll. Turns out as much as I hate me some Nazis, my interest cannot resist getting piqued when they are making the foolish mistake of dabbling in the black arts. I forgot all about the "RAIDERS" rule which is, Nazis are great…when their faces are melting off! THE DEVIL'S ROCK tells a tale that takes place on D-Day when two kiwi soldiers attempt to take over an island isolated German bunker only to find that most of its inhabitants have already been ripped to shreds. There is a beautiful woman chained to a wall and quicker than you can say SATAN'S TRIANGLE we are given the gist that she is much more than she seems. Since we're talking about a streaming movie here, I'm loath to give much more away but comparisons never hurt do they? This movie reminded me a lot of THE KEEP in its themes and it also brought to my mind CLIVE BARKER's HELLRAISER in its theatric sparseness and fascination with how deep into the pit some may be willing to go when evil uses love as bait. The acting really is exceptional and if you desire atmosphere, you'll get a strong dose right from scene one. Check this one out and if you like it, remember, don't thank me, thank Chuckles72!

Sunday Streaming :: The Hole (2009)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Look under your carpet! Chances are something worthwhile is swept under there. I would have passed this one right by if I had not found out it was directed by the great JOE DANTE (GREMLINS). Even with that information, I admit to being a little hesitant. Who wants to see a movie about a hole? I guess it's admirable to keep a sense of mystery afloat but talk about hiding your light under a bushel! Folks, if your movie features a diabolical harlequin doll, lead with that! The evil doll is always your selling point! You can't say, "Oh, this movie is about a hole in the ground" and leave it at that. That's crazy. So now, please allow me to rectify that slight and tell you first and foremost that THE HOLE has an evil doll in it and it looks like this…

…nuff said… but I'll say a little (spoiler-free) more. In truth, this semi-dark fantasy isn't any more about a doll than it is about a hole. It's about three young people facing their fears and childhood traumas. If you are a fan of DANTE's GREMLINS, his surreal, superior segment in THE TWILIGHT ZONE MOVIE or his lovable penchant for DICK MILLER cameos, you'll want to jump into this pit. We're not talking new territory by a long shot but if you grew up delighting on the likes of THE GATE, POLTERGEIST, PAPERHOUSE or DREAMSCAPE , the familiar places THE HOLE takes you may produce a frothy nostalgic buzz more valuable than innovation. I certainly wish the climax was better played for more impact (our mostly likeable lead freezes up during scenes with the most emotional potential) but that's a small gripe considering the fun had throughout. Like DANTE's best work, it can be appreciated by folks of various ages and any remarks that it may be too dark for children I'll translate to mean it doesn't condescend. One thing is clear, THE HOLE deserves much more attention than it has garnered thus far and even though it sometimes feels like half the film it was meant to be, it's still worth a spin, if only to catch DANTE once again relishing how small things cast large shadows.

Sunday Streaming :: Stake Land (2010)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hey, remember back in the good old days when every Sunday we'd spotlight films on Netflix Streaming and we called it STREAM WARRIORS? But then it stopped happening because I was half lazy and half hated the name STREAM WARRIORS. Well now here it comes again, except I'm calling it something else and instead of forcing myself to focus on three movies a week, I plan to just do one. One is enough. I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm doing on the Internet. I'm not a chatty person.

Hooray STAKE LAND is available on Netflix Streaming! This is a perfect flick to talk about because it's a movie I would never have taken a chance on unless someone told me to. The reason I would have probably stayed away is because who needs another vampire flick and who needs another apocalyptic road movie and who needs to see everybody running around trying to act cool? I don't. I'd usually much rather watch a movie about a talking doll or pissed off animals that have gone crazy. Meanwhile everything I prejudged about STAKE LAND based on its packaging and subject matter was way off. This movie creates an impressive, believable world and occupies it with people that you can't help grow to care about. It's a grounded in a way that movies rarely are anymore and it leaves you feeling like you've actually experienced something. Plus KELLY McGILLIS is in it. Aren't you in the mood to see her today? I'm telling you, it's perfect for a Sunday afternoon so believe me. There, I'm done. That wasn't so bad. See ya next Sunday! Also: Do let us know if you've caught any good fish in the Netflix sea yourself!

Streaming Alert:: Tightrope (1984)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I suppose TIGHTROPE is more of a thriller than a horror film, but it scratches my horror itch just the same. Plus I'm sure if you asked any of the characters being killed in TIGHTROPE if they felt like they were in a horror movie their answer would be, "Why, yes; yes I do!" I don't usually have a bunch of patience for police investigations and weird guys in lab coats informing me about blood types, things found under fingernails and tiny miniscule fragments of whatever but when a movie is this relentlessly dank, dark and pervy, it can't help but hold my interest.

You have to watch it at night though and as late as possible, it might be worthless during the day. I also recommend that even if you catch it on Netflix Streaming that you pretend that you are watching it on Showtime and that at any moment your mom may walk in and be completely scandalized by what's on the screen.

This is not your typical EASTWOOD movie. With a straight face (not that he has any other) he tells GENEVEIVE BOUJOLD that he wants to lick the sweat of her skin and when a male hooker tells him he won't know if he likes sex with men until he tries it CLINT snarls, "Maybe I have." Still waters run deep!

CLINT's character Wes Block is, on the surface, the typical sturdy and stoic EASTWOOD archetype but spend some time with the guy after hours and you can't help noticing his piñata is stuffed with Wacky Wafers. Ever since his wife left him for another guy, Block's once robust male ego has been left as shaky as a Jenga tower. This has resulted in him leaving the dating game behind in favor of popsicle sucking prostitutes and the illusionary sense of power provided by handcuffs. Whatever gets you through the night as they say, but problems arrive when Wes's taste in one night stands begin to perfectly echo the tastes of a murdering psychopath. It's almost as if his new found shadowy predilection has developed a life of its own and is making handiwork of violently erasing his debaucherous footprints. Enter love interest Beryl Thibodeaux (BOUJOLD) who is as challenging and self-actualized as Wes' recent conquests are disposable. Can Wes catch the killer and clear his name while redeeming his spiraling into bacchanalia love life? C'mon it's still CLINT we're talking about here!

TIGHTROPE is good! I know CLINT can sometimes come across as a cardboard prig but that's just because he now looks like a guy who'll yell at you if you step on his lawn. Way back in 1984 dude was investigating parts of his personality that most leading actors would be too cowardly and image conscious to dream of. (Please never ask me to pick sides between SANDRA LOCKE and CLINT, it would be like choosing between my own memaw and pepaw!) Why did director RICHARD TUGGLE stop making movies? Is it just because OUT OF BOUNDS (1986) flopped? That's not fair! How come you don't punish (insert terrible director with a string of flops name here) like that?!

I love TIGHTROPE. If you like horror movies that are not horror movies you will too. Not only does it bravely travel into places you would never enter in real life without a can of Lysol, it also sports an opening kill featuring JAMIE ROSE of JUST BEFORE DAWN! It's not really a particularly savage kill but it's one of those great openings that is all full of lady shoes clacking down alleys while a shadow figure lurks behind. Add to that a savory, captured in amber New Orleans setting, a vigorous dose of DAN HEDAYA, an adorable self defense dummy whose eyes light up when you kick it in the crotch, a giant mechanical pizza man brandishing an axe and an honest to goodness evil clown handing out balloons and who can ask for more? This is one of those rare mainstream movies that unapologetically walks on the wild side and is smart enough to lift directly from the slasher and sleaze films of its time. There's something uniquely personal about it too with EASTWOOD aiming to keep real life Daughter ALLISON (in her film debut) safe from the same darkness he's prone to court. It's not always comfortable but it makes me wish CLINT strayed from the beaten path in his movies more often.

Streaming:: Trollhunter, Hobo, Red State & Vanishing

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: I wanted to do a "Best of the Year" list sort of thing but how could I possibly when I'm so hopelessly out of the loop? Part of it's my fault because I'm trapped in the past but part of it I blame on the fact that many movies never hit my neck of the woods. During the Christmas break I realized that the least I could do was catch up with the recent flicks available on Netflix. This little four-car pileup represents only a fraction of my intake but hopefully we'll get to some of those other flicks soon too.

TROLLHUNTER

To tell you the truth, knowing that TROLLHUNTER was a found footage flick didn't make me run to it with open arms. Nothing against the concept, I just wasn't in the mood for the usual song and dance. I threw all my trepidations in the garbage disposal though as soon as the first troll showed up. He was glorious. If this movie doesn't convince you that CGI is not necessarily the devil's plaything then nothing will. Fun, imaginative and crowned with a great character in troll hunter Hans (OTTO JESPERSEN), this movie easily leaped over my expectations and turned out to be quite the horror adventure.

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN

I probably found this movie only about half as funny as I think I was meant to. I was not too comfortable seeing RUTGER HAUER my hero, being treated poorly by Tromaville rejects. It reminded me of the awful day my dog followed me to school and all the other kids laughed at her running down the hall. Don't laugh at my dog! Suddenly I understood that HOBO wanted me to feel that way so that I could fully enjoy my blue eyed champion RUTGER killing all the rat faced punks. Sadly that understanding came a little too late for me to get all I could have out of this. In any case, I loved all the nasty neon colors swirling around in this movie, the references to MAD MAX and HALLOWEEN 3 and the blippy soundtrack and excellent STREETS OF FIRE theme song at the end. I just don't enjoy seeing people push RUTGER HAUER around, to me that's like sacrilege or something.

RED STATE

Wait a minute. How is it possible I was so unimpressed with this movie? I like a good KEVIN SMITH rant and it shouldn't be very difficult to get me on board with a movie that skewers religious zealots and features JOHN GOODMAN. I thought RED STATE jumped out of the gate fine but I fell off the back of the truck midway through. Maybe it says something about my lack of mettle that I could not adjust to RED STATE's major shifts in tone of which there are several. There was one point toward the end where I thought perhaps it might redeem itself for me and then instead it went the opposite direction entirely. (Alas, an unfilmed original ending scrapped due to financial restraints sounds more my cup of tea.) As it stands, I felt like the subject matter deserved a far less flippant approach and I was let down by SMITH painting in such broad strokes. I give him much respect for working out of his comfort zone but I felt the wild-eyed caricatures sort of let the garden variety bigot too easily off the hook. I guess this is one of those divisive movies that you either love or hate and I can't be more shocked that here I stand on this side of the fence!

VANISHING ON 7TH STREET

Don't worry RED STATE, you are not my least favorite movie in this grouping! That honor belongs to VANISHING ON 7TH STREET! BRAD ANDERSON is a mega valuable and extraordinary director in my eyes. Not only do I dig his forays into horror, like the excellent SESSION 9, but I also think his HAPPY ACCIDENTS and NEXT STOP WONDERLAND are pretty awesome too. VANISHING has a wonderful plot as far as I'm concerned. It's sort of like WHERE HAVE ALL THE PEOPLE GONE? with darkness itself starring as a malevolent force furiously erasing the world. Unfortunately even though this movie has more going for it than most with ANDERSON's expertise, an involving concept, semi professional (albeit miscast) actors and I'm sure a reasonable budget of some sort it fails to gel into anything solid enough to cast a shadow itself. It's just like a big glob of formless putty. It even has the nerve to have an annoying kid character in it and I was of the understanding that we as of a culture had a silent agreement to leave that pesky stock character to disaster movies from the seventies. I'm not telling you not to check this one out; in fact, do and tell me it's just my imagination that it is as intolerable as I think it is. I don't mind being wrong. I want to be wrong.

Streaming Alert :: Christmas Horror

Posted on By unkle lancifer

When it comes to delivering horror, in many ways, Christmas has Halloween beat. Halloween may come with all the obvious dark gruesome imagery but when all is said and done it usually only inspires creative, light-hearted fun. On the other hand Christmas marches with a "Be merry or else" goosestep, casting about insincere niceties while emptying out your wallet and stuffing your stockings with stress and anxiety. You don't hear about the suicide rate going through the roof in late October do you?

The best way to let off a little steam during the high pressure holiday season is by watching Christmas-themed horror movies. No matter how desperate your lot in life may be, it is pleasing to note that at least you are not being impaled on deer antlers like LINNEA QUIGLEY in SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT.

Tragically though, Netflix Streaming appears to not understand the necessity of Christmas horror films and their selection of said fare is horrendously devoid of the classics that we all know and love. But don't worry my kiddies as per usual your Unkle Lancifer has your back! I have put together a night of Netflix Streaming X-MAS horror just in case you need it. So double dose the rum in that eggnog and remember every time someone screams, an angel gets its wings!

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: SANTA CLAUSE

Let's start out with something terrible shall we? Are you all alone this year? Have you been rejected by your friends and family because your nose glows? Well who needs real human company when you have hosts Mike, Crow and Tom? They are happy to supply fellowship and snarky commentary without eating you out of house and home and asking you pesky questions about your personal life! In this episode of the long running series the gang takes a look-see at a craptacular Mexican holiday film involving an outer space Santa and his war with a pajama clad Satan. You all know whom I'm voting for!

DEAD END (2003)

A car trip to Grandma's house for Christmas morphs into a voyage into creepsville in this movie that I recommend often. (Review HERE) The ending reveal isn't exactly as original as a snow flake but the atmosphere is denser than a fruitcake and spending time with RAY WISE (TWIN PEAKS) and LIN SHAYE (INSIDIOUS) is more fun than hanging out with any relative you know.

SIX FILMS TO KEEP YOU AWAKE: A CHRISTMAS TALE

Here I was all excited to recommend this segment of SIX FILMS TO KEEP YOU AWAKE (Review HERE) involving a bunch of tykes who find a Lady Santa in a pit only to have her escape and try to kill them with an axe- when I discovered it's not available! That's right! Turns out only select episodes of SIX FILMS ETC. are available for streaming and this ain't one of them! Way to screw up my post Netflix! Ugh, for reasons unknown I try to help you out Netflix Streaming but you always do me wrong… Damn you, you fickle and ungrateful mistress! Eat a bag of coal.

HARDWARE

I'm not so easily foiled Netflix! I have a last minute substitution! I was just checking out our AVALANCHE OF CHRISTMAS HORROR! list from last year and noticed that kinderpal David Fullam suggested HARDWARE in the comments section. Yes, the robot head in HARDWARE was indeed a Christmas present and that particular movie is available on Netflix Streaming so there you go. Thanks DF, you saved my post!

SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT/ CHRISTMAS EVIL

If you should happen to not have Netflix Streaming there is no need to worry. Public Domain is here to save the day! If you are ever experiencing a Christmas horror movie deprivation emergency just break the glass that has MARY WORONOV and FIONA APPLE's dad behind it! I'm talking of course about SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT and the hilarious CHRISTMAS EVIL, both of which are at your disposal any time you like! Check out my full reviews HERE and HERE and ogle the full-length videos below. There's no reason why everyone can't have a scary Christmas!

Streaming Alert :: The Dark Hours (2005)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Here's a twisty-tense thriller that deserves more attention. I mentioned my admiration for 2005's Canadian psychological thriller THE DARK HOURS a while back in our SNOWBOUND HORROR post. Now, I am happy to tell you that the film is available on Netflix Streaming. To make sure that this flick did not appear larger in my rear view mirror than it actually was, I recently gave it a second gander and found myself just as taken with it as I was before. The amazing thing is that THE DARK HOURS takes on several story elements that I am usually in no mood for and somehow makes me enjoy it just the same. Do I want to see a home invasion flick where people are made to crawl around and grovel while the attacker acts like a morally superior smarmy know it all? No, I hate movies like that! I myself would rather be killed than lectured by a psychopath. Still, somehow against odds, THE DARK HOURS works for me.

KATE GREENHOUSE stars as cool as a cucumber popsicle Dr. Samantha Goodman. If you think the glare she delivers her patients is frigid, check out how she robotically scans an X-ray of her very own brain tumor. (GREENHOUSE deserves big credit for remaining likable while aloof.) When her boss suggests she needs to chillax before she splits at the seams, she heads out for a weekend at her secluded cabin. Once there she finds her caught-off-guard husband and younger sister acting post-screw shady… or is she just being paranoid? A game of Operation does much to lighten the mood but soon the trio are unhappy to learn that they have uninvited houseguests in the form of one of Sam's sadistic ex-patients (piercing AIDAN DEVINE) and his creepy tag along disciple (JASON X's DOV TIEFENBACH.) Terrible things happen. So much so that I want to turn the movie off but I can't. I'm not a fan of involving pets in home invasion festivities. It bums me out.

It ain't what you do though, it's the way that you do it and THE DARK HOURS is never nasty for empty shock value alone. The set up may feel familiar but the theatrical way it's presented is impressively layered. Miniscule details are ten months pregnant with meaning and the coded dialogue weaves together a persuasive anxious mood. The cabin itself becomes a map of Sam's own troubled mind with mice scratching around in the attic and a fruit cellar built for hiding and denial. Eventually the surfaces of things are scratched away and we are made to realize that not only are several characters misrepresenting themselves but also, thanks to Sam's scrambled viewpoint, nothing may be what it seems. I know what you're thinking. I'm kind of over the "what is reality?" crutch casually kicked around in films these days too, but THE DARK HOURS is so intricate with its tinkering of appearances that it reminds me how effective the concept can be when handled with care.

THE DARK HOURS may be too unnerving to be called "fun" but if you are down for something with a toasty fireside parlor game atmosphere and you can appreciate a more adult approach to horror this is worth your time. It has all the right screws loose and it actually earns the right to lie to you.

Streaming Alert :: The Skeptic (2009)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

2009's THE SKEPTIC has a measly 8% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes. What? That is waaay harsh. I'm here to tell you that it's pretty good and if you read reviews from those who approached the film in the right spirit you'll hear mostly the same. Frankly, I'm a little stunned that so many picked this particular movie to rake over the coals when there is so much worse out there. It's not like it's incompetent or something, it's just a tad on the meek side. The most common complaint from critics seems to be that THE SKEPTIC feels like a television production from the seventies or eighties. In my world that's not a minus, that's a plus. I can get into a quiet movie that doesn't embarrass itself trying to shock me every five minutes. If you are a fan of haunted house movies and you can tolerate a movie with modest goals, I see no reason why you would not find THE SKEPTIC reasonably entertaining. It's certainly not as horrendous as an 8% approval rating would suggest. Geez critics, lighten up.

TIM DALY (STORM OF THE CENURY) plays Bryan Becket, the title skeptic who inherits a seriously impressive house from an Aunt who has kicked the bucket. Bryan is a grounded, rational lawyer who is proud of the fact that he believes in nothing. You won't be surprised to learn that he ends up having to reevaluate his worldview when once in the house he experiences what appears to be ghostly phenomenon. An eccentric psychic lady named Cassie (ZOE SALDANA, of the same year's STAR TREK) convinces Bryan to let her stay in the place too and together they learn that it's Bryan himself who is haunted by a dark past.

Another big complaint thrown at writer/director TENNYSON BARDWELL's film is that it has all been done to death before, but I think it's actually pretty rare to find a haunted house flick that delves into an adult male's psyche and allows its protagonist to be as vulnerable and broken as DALY becomes as he unearths a history of abuse. The performance leans toward the histrionic at times but there's something compelling about watching someone who thinks that he has all the answers discover he doesn't have a clue. One scene involving a creepy doll caught me completely off guard when, unhinged to the extreme, DALY's face distorts in half laughing/half crying anguish to the point where he was completely unrecognizable. TYNE would be proud.

I guess sending a movie this unassuming into theaters is a bit like throwing your Grandma in a wrestling ring. I probably would not have been too happy if I had paid 15 bucks to see it either but it's a comfy snug fit for late night Netflix Streaming (where it's currently available.) The journey the character takes is heavy-handed but still worthwhile and I have to admit to getting sufficiently wrapped up in the mystery of the house (and what a house!) There are a couple decent scares too, nothing to keep you up at night but sufficient enough to keep you on edge. The original script actually was written in the eighties and that might explain why it's a bit hokey, but I found the general temperate approach a refreshing change. It may sound like I'm just old and out of it but I like the idea of horror movies coming in as many types and tones as possible and that includes reserved and earnest (not to mention consistently autumnal) flicks like this. The New York Times' Stephen Holden is quoted as saying, "I'll take a bunch of teenagers terrorized by chain-saw-wielding zombies any day." Me? I'll take both.

Streaming Alert :: Close Your Eyes (2002)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

It's been a while since I've recommended something on Netflix Streaming so let's fix that. I noticed the other day while throwing some titles into my queue that they've recently acquired the underrated, in my eyes, CLOSE YOUR EYES from 2002 (has it really been almost ten years?). This is a movie that really surprised me both in content and in the fact that it didn't garner more attention. Scratch that, maybe I'm not so surprised that CLOSE YOUR EYES failed to make a significant mark. It's one of those movies that is too gruesome for the serious crowd and too serious for the gruesome crowd and like many movies that refuse to court a specific audience, it failed to find a seat when the musical chairs music stopped. People tend to love or hate it and my theory is that's because it sets up a very believable reality only to turn it on its head and not everybody can make the leap from the everyday to the fantastic mid-film. Personally I love to be taken off guard when a carefully constructed game board is flipped.

Policewoman Janet Losey (SHIRLEY HENDERSON) is so impressed with the abilities of her hypnotherapist Michael Strother (GORAN VISNJIC) that she solicits his help with a child who escaped the clutches of a deranged serial killer. The little girl (SOPHIE STUCKEY of the equally underrated THE DARK) was found with a strange tattoo and that is the only lead as the experience has left her mute. While his traumatized subject is hypnotized, Strother is able to enter her subconscious as if it were another world. Some of these alternate reality zones are a bit dated looking but it allows for some pretty cool ALTERED STATES/DREAMSCAPE type stuff to occur and I'm always into that. The first part of the film plays like a London based psychological detective story (think PRIME SUSPECT) but once the truth begins to emerge, we get some pretty heavy occult action (think BROTHERHOOD OF SATAN). I won't say more about that latter development so that you can discover that twisted angle yourself but suffice to say CLOSE is not afraid to get crazy dark.

I have to applaud the performances and the chemistry between the film's two leads. Easy to watch VISNJIC brings to mind GREGORY PECK in SPELLBOUND and HENDERSON is sorta like JENNIFER JASON LEIGH doing Clarice Starling with the help of a smoking habit and big SINEAD O'CONNOR doe-eyes. Their romance-free simpatico relationship is as refreshing as it is strangely endearing and it's nice to see the novel gender reversal of HENDERSON being the aggressive cop and VISNJIC taking on the sensitive, put-upon psychic. If you dig mysteries, serial killer thrillers, ARGENTO-like obsessions with architecture or season four of TRUE BLOOD (big bad FIONA SHAW swipes a few scenes in CLOSE too!) you should give this a viewing. I've seen it a couple times now and besides a few wonky CGI effects and a stray random cliché or three, I think it's a clever, bracing mind-screw that one could easily get lost in if they allow themselves to.

The Final Terror (1983)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Slasher movies are like wine, they get better with age and only a sophisticated palate can distinguish the full range of subtle aromas and flavors. Some days I simply require the crisp hearty taste of a killer in the woods flick and I know I am not alone. THE FINAL TERROR is often dismissed as a FRIDAY The 13TH rip-off but that's not entirely accurate. Really, TFT should be so shrewd as to mold itself after FRIDAY, instead it's frustratingly coy and it refuses to go for the gusto even when in the perfect position to do so. Just when things get exciting, it ends. Still, it does have a certain something and I almost masochistically enjoy that it won't give me what I want.

What's to love:

The cast: JOE PANTOLIANO is the perfect creep and aw, there's LEWIS SMITH of BUCKAROO BANZAI and MARK METCALF from the TWISTED SISTER videos! Furthermore, I'll never say no to either DARYL (BLADE RUNNER) HANNAH or RACHAEL (NIGHT SCHOOL) WARD. Even though neither leave much of an impression here, to have both in one film is an embarrassment of riches. ADRIAN ZMED on the other hand is nothing to brag abou,t but I'll give him a break as a courtesy to GREASE 2.

The Location: Where FRIDAY shows off the lovely woods of New Jersey THE FINAL TERROR takes place in some zone that more closely resembles the planet Endor. (In fact, IMDb just informed me that TFT and RETURN OF THE JEDI do share location.) Nature here is all encompassing and the sense that help is out of reach is distinct.

The Killer: TFT's menace sprouts straight out of a campfire tale. A young girl is raped by her uncle and thrown into an insane asylum. Her offspring later frees her but then noting that she is nuts beyond repair leaves her in the woods to live off the land. Now, she hunts trespassers and could one of the main characters be that very son? It's nice having a female psycho and it's cool that the haggy beast camouflages herself to blend in with the surroundings and uses what is available to make deadly traps. Imagine being split apart by rusty can lids! That's gotta hurt. Plus she lives in a shack in the woods just like I will someday!

What's not to love:

The Kills: There's maybe two barely decent kills in this movie and that's not going to cut it. In fact, half of the cast survives! I appreciate that TFT was going more for a survival thriller rather than slasher flick vibe but the difference between obscurity and rampant cult fandom (THE BURNING will tell you) is mostly in the blood. I'm not saying you have to spring for SAVINI or anything, but maybe go to the store and score some ground chuck for Pete's sake.

The Lighting: If you're old enough to turn on a camera then you're old enough to turn on a light. I know there are easier things than lighting a forest but c'mon. I'm going to give TFT the benefit of the doubt and point out that it has yet to receive anything close to a proper presentation for the home market. I don't remember image quality being an issue when I first caught it on cable as a critter. Maybe my eyesight was better then.

The Pace: TFT slowly builds up to an alarming bus attack scene and then somehow looses momentum again. I understand the value of quiet time and I don't require fireworks every second, but there is a certain amount of focus and direction that is necessary for effectiveness. It's kind of like listening to someone tell a story who keeps getting sidetracked by minutia. I can forgive vagueness but not so much the feeling that so much time is wasted where we could have easily have learned useful information.

I know I'm trying to get a dog to meow and that if any other movie was as equally good as it was bad, it would be called a failure but this is a forest-set, eighties horror flick and in a way that overrides all. If you're not a slasher fan you needn't bother, but if you count yourself among the truly devoted it might hit the spot. THE FINAL TERROR gets props from me for not following the usual path but it sort of gets lost in the woods anyway. We don't get the usual stereotypical characters and that's nice but then again we don't get to know anyone at all. Why am I telling you all this? Because THE FINAL TERROR is available in full for free on YouTube and no matter how you look at it, free is a fair price isn't it? Maybe not, but sometimes I just have to take a walk in the woods anyway.