kindertrauma

Category: Stream Warriors

Stream Warriors: Rockula & Vicious Lips!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ:: Only two stream warrior selections this week because trust me you will not want to see more after you are done with these two anyway. Also as you read this, myself and Aunt John are on a much needed vacation whooping it up like rock stars at a monster mania convention and by "whooping it up like rock stars" I mean embarrassing ourselves publicly and destroying our good names with behavior not befitting people half our age.

ROCKULA (1990)

I know you've seen this one on streaming and told yourself that you are not willing to stoop to such a degree just yet, but I am officially giving you permission to take the plunge and blame the after effects on questionable advice from me. C'mon you know you want to see it, ROCKULA stars DEAN CAMERON of such hits as SUMMER SCHOOL, BAD DREAMS and the exceptional SKI SCHOOL. If I had my way DEAN CAMERON would star in everything but since that is unlikely to happen we are left with only the stuff of reality and that means ROCKULA! How this movie never became a cult staple the world shall never know. It was directed by LUCA BERCOVICI the man behind the original GHOULIES and the so-so-so severely underrated hilarity machine THE GRANNY (1995) and it's roster of bow-worthy greatness includes DEAN, TONI BASIL, THOMAS DOLBY, BO DIDDLEY, BAD SANTA's TONY COX and the person I'll never shut up about SUSAN TYRELL. It's fun, it's weird and it boasts both wretched tunes and vampires. It's stupid true but without stupidity there can be no joy. Stupidity is the main ingredient of joy.

VICIOUS LIPS (1988)

I'm not entirely sure it's possible that anybody could sit through this entire movie beside myself but I shall direct your attention to it anyway. Directed by ALBERT PYUN who has helmed both above (THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER) and hilariously below (ALIEN IN LA) par trash, VICIOUS LIPS is a sense shredding onslaught of concentrated eighties junk culture crapitude that kinda sorta rules. The more you try to understand it, the more you'll hate yourself so just sit back and get clobbered by this nearly incoherent and certainly pointless tale of an all girl rock band stranded on the set of UNION OF THE SNAKE while being chased by ELM STREET-inspired mind demons. I assure you that you will hate yourself vehemently at least once while watching this cotton candy haired patience-pusher and that's part of the decadent fun. One fragment of this theoretical movie that does not fill my heart with vague shame is the fact that its songs are sung by should-have-been SUE SAAD, the woman responsible for singing the best theme song ever recorded "Looker" from LOOKER and also the second best song ever recorded "Highwire" which is also from LOOKER. I wish I could tell you LOOKER was streaming, but it's not.

Two count em' two streaming musical wonders with vague connections to horror. One will make you happy, one will make you saad. Both will make you feel as if you are loosing your mind!

Stream Warriors: With Special Guest Host Tenebrous Kate!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: We're lucky to have as guest host today the always amazing TENEBROUS KATE of the sensationally superior and awesomely eclectic LOVE TRAIN FOR THE TENEBROUS EMPIRE! You guys know KATE, she's been a favorite guest around these parts since back in the days when the Kindercastle was a mere lean-to! Ya'll listen to KATE's advice, I know I've already started work on her fine recommendations!

TENEBROUS KATE SEZ: One's movie diet should be approached in a similar fashion to one's diet-actual: strike a balance of sweet, savory, and nutritious in order to cultivate a healthy appreciation for all things cinematic. It's in this spirit that I've selected the following films. Also, it demonstrates that I have next to no respect for rules, since there are six titles here instead of the traditional three!

RED RIDING TRILOGY: 1974, 1980, 1983

These British crime dramas are as gritty, dark and captivating as they come. Spanning a decade of serial murder, police corruption, and political turmoil in England's northern countryside, the "Red Riding Trilogy" weaves in real-life events like the Yorkshire Ripper killings with fictional but entirely believable characters. This is chilling stuff that provides some tough commentary on the people who investigate and perpetrate crimes. The series earns bonus points for beautiful production values and artistic cinematography that enhance the noir-ish mood.

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: POD PEOPLE

If you've watched all five hours of the "Red Riding, Trilogy" you're probably looking for a bit of a mood-lifter! What better way to wash away the gloom than with a good laugh at the foibles of low-budget sci-fi? The teevee show "Mystery Science Theater 3000" is controversial in cult-film circles since some folks feel that its snarky commentary track ruins the joy of exploring little-known genre films. I can see where the nay-sayers are coming from, but I will testify that some of these movies are almost unwatchable without Joel, Mike and the ‘Bots. My fave episode of the show is "Pod People," which features a Spanish-French "E.T." knock-off with a whiny child star, hillbilly poachers, an ALF-like alien creature, be-fringed 80s fashion and a wayward rock band stranded in the woods. If you don't laugh when Joel and his puppet companions sing "Idiot Control Now" to the tune of the movie's feature song, then I weep for your barren, stony heart.

BLOOD FOR DRACULA & FLESH FOR FRANKENSTEIN

While not related by the traditional movie-sequel relationship, "Blood for Dracula" and"Flesh for Frankenstein" were made back-to-back by director Paul Morrissey and feature the same cast members. Often mis-attributed to financier Andy Warhol, these are the most off-the-wall, graphic, and witty versions of the classic monster tales you're likely to see. Genre vet Udo Kier stars as the titular villain of both films, delivering outrageous and semi-improvised performances as the vampire and the mad scientist. The heavy in both films is a muscular, virile working-class character played by Joe Dallesandro, who has one of the thickest Noo Yawk accents recorded on film, making his turns as Mittel European farm-hunks even more unlikely. Look close enough and you'll find some clever political subtext about class, wealth, and culture—or ignore all that and enjoy the infinitely quotable, blood-soaked mayhem. And just in case you question the art pedigree of these movies, keep your eyes peeled for a cameo by director Roman Polanski in "Blood for Dracula."

Stream Warriors: Hosted By Amanda By Night!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: While I was cleaning up the aftermath of the weekend-long CHRISTOPHER GEORGE celebration that took place at Kindertrauma Castle, I discovered our dear pal AMANDA BY NIGHT under a glass coffee table as if reenacting a scene from SIXTEEN CANDLES! Besides the fact that she had somewhere along the lines lost the blonde wig of her LYNDA DAY GEORGE as Mary Riggs from PIECES costume (which was basically a tennis outfit with the word "Bastard!" embroidered on the front), she looked none the worse for wear. As I still have an escaped grizzly bear to catch, I asked Amanda if she would mind hosting today's episode of Stream Warriors and she was only too happy to oblige. Thanks for your help Amanda! Now all I need to do is find a jar of honey and a net…

COCAINE: ONE MAN'S SEDUCTION

Dennis Weaver, how much do I love thee? Let me count the ways… besides starring in one of the best (and arguably most famous) made for TV movies DUEL, Dennis also lent his extraordinary (and sometimes un-excusably over the top) presence to such films as DON'T GO TO SLEEP and this crazy tale about a middle aged man's struggle with the blow, which originally aired on February 27th, 1983 on NBC. I adore this movie, and I also think it typifies why the little world of '70s and '80s TV movies was so awesome. I wrote a paper once (mostly for fun, 'cuz I am a nerd) about how for those of us who were either too young or just unable to experience the grindhouse circuit, the tele-film was a good look at the world of sordid B-movies… even if it was a sanitized version of those films. Many folks got their first taste of horror and sleaze through rose colored glasses, but it created a passion. And even if that all seems like hooey-bluey to you, you simply have to see this movie for Weaver's intense and hilarious freak-outs. Also it's pretty awesome when he gets high with Pamela Bellwood and is all, "The earth is round, man." OK, he doesn't say that, but I swear he wanted to. You can watch Cocaine: One Man's Seduction on Netflix.

TERROR AT LONDON BRIDGE (BRIDGE ACROSS TIME)

While not as wild as the goofy premise would lead one to believe, this movie is still a ton of fun. David Hasselhoff plays a big-city-police-officer-gone-small-town-cop who downsizes to idyllic (but friggin' hot) Lake Havasu where, as a twist of fate would have it, the infamous London Bridge resides. True story – some entrepreneurial type had the British bridge moved to Arizona to create a tourist attraction. Not true story – in the movie Jack the Ripper falls off the bridge to his supposed death, but is able to resurrect himself in Arizona, where he continues his killing spree. Wow! I told you it was wild. The whole affair is completely straight faced, and a fairly successful little horror film. Adrienne Barbeau is great as the hot to trot librarian with enormous shoulder pads (yay 80s!) and Clu Gulager and Randolph Mantooth put in some time as Hoff's fellow cops. Stepfanie Kramer (and yes, that's how you spell her name) is Hasselfhoff's potential love interest and both leads are really good. Say what you will about the Hoff, but he's got charisma for days. He's really good in this movie which originally aired on November 22nd, 1985 on NBC, and I think the cast and the dramatic approach make Bridge one interesting movie, if not completely Hoff-tastic! You can read my whole review at RETRO SLASHERS and you can watch the whole movie at HULU.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK: MARRIED PART 1 & 2

I don't mean to quote Magnum P.I., but I know what you're thinking… you're thinking this is simply the INCREDIBLE HULK episodes that we all remember from childhood. While most of you probably recall David Banner's tragic love affair with the ill-fated Dr. Caroline Fields (Mariette Hartley), there is one scene in particular that created one of my most intense kindertraumas. Towards the beginning of the second part, Dr. Fields ends up at the house of some swinging studly dudes. They get a little aggressive and somehow lovelorn David gets in the way… and gets really mad. He Hulk-ifies himself and then he pushes one of the guys across the room. It's a comedic moment because the hurled stud in question flies to the other side of the room sans toupee. Well, when I was a wee Amanda By Night I thought the Hulk basically scalped this poor guy and it took everything in me not to run out of the room screaming. Watching the stud loses his machismo made me think the Hulk was the meanest man-thing on the planet and it was the very last episode of the series I watched until about 2 years ago. Even then, I was ready to pull the sheets up over my eyes, because that Hulk guy scares me! Luckily, I now find that scene amusing. And yes, this episode, which originally aired as a two hour epic to open the second season in 1978, captures the extremely tragic nature of Bruce's character. This guy just could not catch a break. Oh, and for the record, I've seen Lou Ferrigno in person. He's kind of hot and not scary at all. Just thought you should know… You can start with PART ONE on HULU. And here's PART TWO.

Stream Warriors :: Hosted by Andre Dumas of Horror Digest!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: Welcome to a new episode of Stream Warriors based on the novel Push by Sapphire! Today is special in that we have a super guest host in kinderpal Andre Dumas of the venerable HORROR DIGEST. Andre has three great picks for you today all currently available on Netflix streaming. Read what Andre says because she knows what she's talking about and then do what she says and watch those movies! After you've watched the movies freak Andre out by following her back to her cottage in the woods HERE!

EYES WIDE SHUT

I first saw EYES WIDE SHUT on HBO when I was a wee one, and was blown away by A. how many boobs and how much sex was happening and B. how boring it was. Of course later in my life, when I became all smart and stuff, I discovered that Eyes Wide Shut is one hell of a movie. It follows the married life of Dr. Bill Harford and his wife who battle with temptation and jealousy issues. That is a very broad summation but perhaps the less you know the better. A lot of people seem to give Eyes Wide Shut a hard time and I'm not entirely sure why (okay, it might have something to do with Tom Cruise). It's one of the most intelligent and thought provoking films I have ever come across and every time I watch it, I find new and exciting things to marvel over. If you've seen it before but wasn't a fan, or if you've never seen it, do yourself a favor and check this out immediately. Read more HERE!

SHEITAN

When talking about French cinema, two things are certain: 1. Vincent Cassel will be in every movie you see and 2. All French horror films are the best. Although not everyone loves SHEITAN as much as the other French powerhouses, I found a lot to get excited about. Taking place on Christmas Eve , the film follows a very unruly group of young people. They wind up at the farm house of Vincent Cassel who plays Joseph, also known as the craziest bastard you will ever see. What follows is a very strange, slow build up to a highly grotesque and upsetting ending. Do NOT eat soup at the end of this movie, you will regret it. The film has some extremely creepy, disturbing and hilarious moments and you may or may not see Vincent Cassel in a wig. Also you'll never look at girls petting dogs in the same away ever again. Read more HERE!

ENTER THE VOID

Gaspar Noe gained notoriety for IRREVERSIBLE back in 2002 which featured a very long and difficult to watch rape sequence. ENTER THE VOID will gain similar notoriety because it puts the viewer inside of a vagina. In all seriousness, ENTER THE VOID is one of the best movie watching experiences of my life. It follows the brief life of a drug addict up until he dies—but then we still follow him. Using mind boggling camera techniques, color sequences and music—Gaspar Noe creates an out of body experience for the viewer. It runs long at 2 and a half hours, but the film seems to almost trap you in it. I recommend watching it in a dark and quiet room with the sound turned all the way up. You won't believe how insanely cool, horrifying and mind blowing it is. I guarantee you will not be able to stop thinking about it. Read more HERE!

Stream Warriors :: Carriers, The Offspring & Candyman

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Ugh, I hate the name "Stream Warriors" it makes no sense. What was I thinking? Here are three more movies currently available on Netflix streaming which you can watch if you want to.

CARRIERS

Thank God my friend STEPHEN KING texted me about this movie (or wrote about it in EW-who remembers?) otherwise I would have never given it a proper chance. It is the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine-a-lly ready to forgive PIPER PERABO for COYOTE UGLY. If you are already missing THE WALKING DEAD and you don't mind a movie that seems like a zombie movie but has absolutely zero zombies in it than this is for you. CARRIERS made me really care about its characters even (and in particularly) PIPER and that is nothing to sneeze at. If you feel that you must sneeze at it though, please wait for me to put on my hazmat suite. Read more HERE.

FROM A WHISPER TO A SCREAM

I always knew this fellow as THE OFFSPRING but if wants to go by this title, I'll try to support it even though now I'll have THIS ICICLE WORKS song stuck in my head all day. I guess it's better than "Keep ‘Em Seperated" in the long run. Here we have another horror anthology and don't you just love those? Alright I don't remember all of the stories here but one is the Readers Digest version of CHILDREN OF THE CORN and one stars CLU GULAGER and you can't even tell it's him because he's such a chameleon. The syrup on this stack of flapjacks is a wrap around soiree featuring VINCENT PRICE and my own personal Jesus SUSAN TYRRELL. I don't have to sell you on the PRICE, you either adore him or you're bonkers so let me just say that any movie with TYRRELL in it must be watched. If she didn't become a horror household name after her performance in NIGHT WARNING I guess she never will, but in this fan's head she sits on a throne. If you like the idea of an AMICUS style treasury dipped in a little eighties flavored squish, it's time to head to the wacky town of Oldfield. Read more HERE.

CANDYMAN

Just as in the case of VINNIE PRICE, I know I'm preaching to the choir by throwing CANDYMAN into the bag. The question isn't whether you've seen CANDYMAN but when was the last time that you did so? Did you know this movie gets better every year? It's like wine or cheese or that Q-BERT game. Contrary to what you may have heard February is Black History Month. Why not spent it with somebody who has a hook for a hand and bees swarming out of his mouth? For a more complete Black History Month experience eat a peanut butter sandwich while watching the film. Peanut butter was invented by Geroge Washington Carver who was also black but without the hook and bees thing. Read more HERE!

Stream Warriors: Cold Prey, Suspended Animation & Spellbinder

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: It's time for that new feature that tells you for better or for worse the stuff your Unk finds appealing on Netflix streaming!

COLD PREY (2006)

I may have mentioned my love for 2006's COLD PREY (FRITT VILT) a couple zillion times before but I'm going do it again because now is the perfect time of year to watch it and right now it is on Netflix Streaming. All right it's the dubbed version, which is not preferable, but I doubt you will care a lick in the end. COLD PREY illustrates everything the slasher film is still capable of achieving if given half a chance; it's thrilling, provides the scares and delivers a believable human element as well. In my book, lead INGRID BOLSO BERDAL as Jannicke is worthy of walking the same horror halls as biggies WEAVER and CURTIS. Geez, just talking about it makes me want to watch it again and I've seen it at least a half dozen times. It's just one of those reliable movies that gets better the more you visit it. Seriously if you're a fan of old school slashers, it's a crime to miss this one and don't even get me started on the equally sharp COLD PREY 2. More HERE!

SUSPENDED ANIMATION (2001)

Holy crap, this movie is already ten years old, how'd that happen? I feel a smidge sorry for this one, its title must throw people off and its advertising art is a bit useless. Wait I get it, this is one of those hard to categorize films and so everybody wants to beat it up. Directed by JOHN D. HANCOCK, who was swell enough to concoct LET'S SCARE JESSICA TO DEATH, this is a movie that changes major gears mid way through and perhaps that can be blamed for some viewers' frustration. The set up will have many anticipating a WRONG TURN meets MISERY flick but instead we dive into the aftermath of violent crime and the obsessive reaction of a victim trying to process what they've experienced. It's a sharp turn but I personally enjoyed not knowing where I was being led and was truly shocked by one of the film's surprises. Also it's got scary old ladies in it which always works for me and it stars that guy from the PAPA DON'T PREACH video who murdered everybody in WILLIAM FRIEDKIN's RAMPAGE. If you're the type who enjoys psychological thrillers just as much as straight-on horror, this one is unusual enough (and snowy enough) to be well worth the trip.

SPELLBINDER (1988)

I'm so happy to see this one available on Netflix Streaming because it never made it to DVD and I want all my fellow humans to see it. This movie just perfectly captures the frivolous spirit of late night eighties cable viewing to me and it brings to mind all the fine couches and remote controls I have known in my life. From what I can tell the way that cats feel about tuna is how I feel about witch-cult movies and finding a post seventies witch cult movie is a joy in and of itself. I'm enamored with the entire cast and although this is miles from a success in the serious scares department, it is always fun and dark-camp entertaining. Maybe it's trash but life without trash is garbage. I was wondering if I could get through this recommendation without mentioning AUDRA LINDLEY and I guess the answer to that is no, I can't. Read more HERE!

Now it's that time again to close out the show with a smash pop hit!

Stream Warriors! #1

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Now it's time for a brand new show called STREAM WARRIORS! Will it have legs? Will it get canceled? It's up to the horrifically random and meaningless nature of the universe I suspect. I don't care. There are stray cats freezing to death in the snow as we speak.

But that's stinkin' thinkin' and we're here to have fun, fun, fun. STREAM WARRIORS is a magazine that shows up on the doorstep of your computer every Sunday. It was invented by a tenure-denied Professor to help you get the most of your Netflix streaming experience!

Balk and awe as three films currently available on Netflix streaming are yanked out of the crowd and recommended for your consumption. Don't be afraid, it's here to help you and if you don't have Netflix streaming then well, you can still find some other way to check out the movies highlighted! Here you go with the first three, maybe you won't like them but hey, at least you are not freezing to death trapped under a car!

BLACK WATER (2007)

There certainly is a plethora of pissed-off animal films out there so I think it's important to distinguish this one from the riley pack. BLACK WATER is not a cheesy monster movie but a harrowing reality-based endurance film along the lines of OPEN WATER or this past year's FROZEN. You'll find believable, likable characters and a few genuinely sharp scares and the backdrop of the mangrove swamps of northern Australia brought to my mind both THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT and ALGERNON BLACKWOOD's classic tale "The Willows." Explore more HERE.

AFTER MIDNIGHT (1989)

Horror anthologies are difficult to pull off and no matter how successful the result, it always seems to pale when held up against CREEPSHOW. AFTER MIDNIGHT, when taken on its own terms, is spooky albeit light fun and it's absolutely soaked in delicious eighties goodness. The middle tale involving a pack of teens (Including MR. BELVEDERE's adorable TRACY WELLS and ELM STREET 3's PENELOPE SUDROW ) facing off against a pack of dogs is a highly memorable must-see that would have made a fine feature length movie of its own. The last tale starring a young MARG HELGENBERGER may wear out its welcome a tad but AFTER MIDNIGHT is a rare anthology film whose wrap-around story (thanks in large part to the cast) satisfies as much as the segments it surrounds. Read more HERE.

LEMORA: A CHILD'S TALE OF TERROR (1973)

The gritty cropped presentation of LEMORA on Netflix streaming leaves a lot to be desired but I'm compelled to recommend a watch anyway. (Ssssh, there's a nicer looking version that you can view on YouTube starting HERE!) I've got acres in my heart marked off for any Southern Gothic and even more territory reserved for any that is stuffed with fuzzy monsters, singing witches and tricky vampires. Buoyed by an ethereal performance by the late CHERYL "RAINBEAUX" SMITH, LEMORA is a beauteous nightmare journey somehow simultaneously silly and astonishing. This makeshift mini-masterpiece mash up of horror and fairy tale elements should be seen by anyone with a taste for the darkly poetic. For more on LEMORA visit HERE.

There you go. That's three movies that I think deserve your love or at least passing interest. Check them out soon 'cuz you never know when they might disappear! Thanks for dropping by and now it's time to close out the show with a rousing musical number….