kindertrauma

Category: Stream Warriors

Sunday Streaming:: The Last Slumber Party (1988)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Today was made for watching something terrible and movies don't get much more terrible than 1988's heavy metal dipped, killer-in-scrubs slash-a-thon THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY. It's easy to confuse this title with any number of SLUMBER PARTY and/or SORRORITY HOUSE flicks but trust me, this one is in a class all by itself and it should stay in a class all by itself until it is properly vaccinated.

What can I say? Atrocious movies are an important part of my horror diet! I've got news for anyone who thinks that crappy horror movies are a modern scourge: the truth is the ratio of good to bad has always been wildly uneven. But hey, if you are too thin skinned to withstand mind-numbing artlessness and soul stomping banality you have no business scouring the halls of horror with the serious adventurers. Personally I learned early on renting from video stores that for every MANIAC there were a dozen SCHIZOIDs and for each well built HOUSE there were blocks of BLOOD SHACKs. It's O.K. though because the bad movies make the good movies shine all the brighter. To fully appreciate PROM NIGHT you just have to endure GRADUATION DAY and taking a long walk across a parching BLOOD BEACH only makes the menthol coolness of THE FOG that much more of a relief.

Anyway, back to the garbage heap that is THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY… I advise all who attempt a watch it to first place a nice comfy pillow on the ground so that your jaw has a comfortable space to land when it inevitably drops. Now, I've always hated the cliché of complaining that characters in a horror movie are so unlikable that you can't wait for them to die (because really you shouldn't have to like a person to not want them to die) but in this case, the sentiment is on the nose apropos. As if TLSP didn't have enough going against it with every possible factor of it being substandard, every person, including the final girl we're meant to route for, behaves like a perpetually obnoxious cretin. At the risk of being labeled too PC, I'm going to admit that I can imagine a couple thousand things more endearing than the male lead calling his girlfriend a stupid bitch every chance he gets and she countering with every derogatory homophobic slur under the sun. Seriously, the dialogue is so gay-bashy, it could have very well been written by my sociopathic older brother when he was 14, a severely brain damaged bigot or an uncredited ELI ROTH.

Not that tellingly repetitive slang is anywhere near being TLSP's greatest offense by a long shot. It's actually way more insulting towards the art of film, the discipline of screenwriting, the medical profession, the orange juice industry, XANADU fans, TOM SELLECK's mustache, the entire state of Louisiana and whoever invented the ladder. It's so bad I'm trying to figure out a way to trick Aunt John into watching it for more than ten minutes even though I know he'll tap out at five. It's so bad that I'm passing it on to you like a hot potato covered in cooties. Listen, I wouldn't even post about this if it was your standard static wall of boring ineptitude, the truth is this flick is pretty remarkable in its ability to consistently deliver things to shake your head at and be appalled by throughout its entire runtime. So enjoy! Or maybe just endure.

Sunday Streaming:: One Dark Night (1982)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

You'll never catch me disparaging PG-rated horror films because that would be like slapping good ol' ONE DARK NIGHT (1982) right in the kisser and I would never do that because I have to live with myself. ONE DARK NIGHT is one of the first horror movies that this once budding fright fan got to see in an actual theater rather than on TV and so it holds a special place in my mausoleum of a heart. I remember being grateful for its less restrictive rating because it meant that I could check it out without the worry of being humiliatingly dejected at the door to the delight of my scowling, satin-jacket clad, toothbrush-gnawing peers.

As it turned out, I totally related to the teenage shenanigans on screen; I found it truly suspenseful and could not get enough of the morbid special effects. I can think of a zillion R-rated horror flicks that are not nearly as creative or engaging. Director TOM McLOUGHLIN went on to direct one of the best FRIDAY THE 13TH installments (PART IV: JASON LIVES), star MEG TILLY went on to the excellent PSYCHO II, scene stealer ELIZABETH DAILY went on to steal PEE WEE HERMAN's heart and sing the greatest song ever, "Mind Over Matter" and I went on to write this old review HERE. ONE DARK NIGHT is currently unavailable on DVD so don't be left out, watch it below…

Sunday Streaming :: Night of the Creeps (1986)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I gotta get out of the house today because I forget what the sun looks like (a shiny moon?) but don't worry, I wouldn't leave you fine folks with nothing to watch on a Sunday! Today I thought we'd take a break from HULU and give some other joker a chance and so today's entertainment bounty comes from an online joint called CRACKLE. The best horror movie those folks are offering is undoubtably NIGHT OF THE CREEPS. I'm old enough to remember when nobody gave a flying fig about this wonderful piece of art but it has grown to become a beloved cult classic and that makes me proud for the little guy! Read my musty review HERE and my dusty DVD review HERE and check the flick out HERE if you enjoy enjoyment.

Sunday Streaming:: The House on Sorority Row (1983)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Isn't it sad that, once upon a time, I had to visit several video shops before I found a joint that carried THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW and even then, I could only dream of renting it rather than owning a copy of my very own? Boy, have times changed. These days you can watch it for FREE on HULU with your gay spouse! As the great YAKOV SMIRNOFF once said, "What a Country!" It's no secret that I love me some SORORITY ROW because I said so back HERE and I even got extra geeky and made fake sequel posters that are stored over HERE. If you've never seen it before there may be something seriously wrong with you, so get on the right side of history and check it out below!

The Runestone (1991)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I stumbled across the strangest movie. It's my most favorite view since THE MEDUSA TOUCH and it flew into my hands in much the same way. I was at an indoor flea market and this guy had a giant grey plastic tub of used VHS that he was selling three for five bucks. I found two that I wanted and had to take a gamble on a third. I was pretty sure I had seen 1991's THE RUNESTONE before, as I had a vague negative feeling toward it, but I figured I'd give it a second chance because at least it looked semi-horror related. I didn't already own it and it was in very good condition (the tape inside was tightly wound, laying flat and mold free! You gotta check for mold, I tells ya! It's an epidemic!!) Anyway, after watching it, I doubted there was any way I had seen it before, as I would surely have remembered something so idiosyncratic. I guess, due to the cover art so proudly boasting the presence of the late ALEXANDER GODUNOV, I was unfairly associating it with WAXWORK 2? On the other hand it's not impossible that exactly what makes THE RUNESTONE charming now made it forgettable back in its day. Some films need to sit and ferment.

I'm going to reference a ton of titles now as a kind of shorthand, so stand warned. RUNESTONE starts off as some sort of archeological adventure like RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK and there's an all-consuming myth-dipped puzzle vibe that sorta reminded me of INFERNO. But then it gets to be so very much like THE RELIC except instead of a larger than life, difficult to register creature to deal with, there's an old-fashioned, in-your-face dude in a rubber suit deal (think PUMPKINHEAD or RAWHEAD REX or especially HUMANOIDS OF THE DEEP). Jumping back even further, the soundtrack does its best to ape the sweeping, over the top dramatics of B-movie horror films from the fifties like THE CREATURE OF THE BLACK LAGOON.

I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that it's like watching THE DAVINCI CODE do the cha-cha with SPAWN OF THE SLITHIS (1978) and I say that having never actually finished watching either of those. I should also mention it's got a too big for its britches, would–be epic if not for its staggering lack of plausibility quality as per 1979's THE DARK or the same year's batty THE VISITOR. What's it about? Let's just say some jealous guy finds a rock in Pennsylvania and it brings out his worst.

Writer/director WILLARD CARROLL based his screenplay on a novel by MARK E. ROGERS but the entire affair has an intoxicating lunatic auteur feel to it, as if everything was obsessed over in some seriously unhealthy way. In fact, the concentrated visuals and often clunky dialogue reminded me of FRANK De FILITTA's adorably self-indulgent insanity dispenser SCISSORS of the same year (and I mean that as a compliment). What's extra odd is that RUNESTONE has its heart set on being funny, so you have to endure lead balloon joke after lead balloon joke until finally you begin to look forward to them. Weirder still, it actually is funny on at least two occasions.

You'll never catch me saying, "It's so bad, it's good" but I have no issue saying it's so awkward, it's stimulating. I can't help feel a tinge of exhilarating embarrassment for THE RUNESTONE. It's goofily earnest and it knows no shame and it's willing to throw anything against the wall in the hopes that it'll stick and somehow, against all odds, some things do. For example the line, "Where am I when I need me the most?" is shoehorned into a scene for no good reason and now I can't get it out of my head and there's an extended bit that skewers a New York art gallery that somehow ends with the creature in question sporting a police hat that I won't forget too soon. (Don't get me started on the sex scene involving an impossible moon, and the battling silhouettes of a woman in the throws of passion and a swiping monster claw. It has to be seen to be believed).

Anyway, I know a keeper when I see one, there's never something not going on, the misses are as fascinating as the hits and there's no doubt you'll see different things popping out upon multiple visits. I wish I could entice you better with the cast but that's not going to work unless you are a big fan of PETER (ANIMAL HOUSE) RIEGERT, JOAN (BLACK SCORPION) SEVERANCE or the guy who looks exactly like the guy who was on that early FOX sitcom DUETS but is not that guy on account of he's his twin brother (MITCHELL (not MATTHEW) LAURANCE).

What I CAN do (and what may be my sole purpose for being born), is to reiterate, highlight and underline that THE RUNESTONE is a MONSTER movie! To me, that is crucial, game-changing information previously neglected to be declared properly in the movie's advertising art. In my book, monster movies are allotted a certain amount (acres and acres) of extra leeway to be somewhat off the wall. I'm not saying it's part of their appeal, I'm just saying I'll happily overlook a few zillion questionable choices to see a guy in a rubber suit rip some other guy's arm off. I can't help it.

So there my job is done. THE RUNESTONE is available to watch on YouTube. The picture quality is not the best (I can tell right away by how off the red hue is in the opening credits) but it's not available on DVD or Blu-ray, so what are you going to do? Personally, I'd order a VHS from Amazon while supplies last. This is a cult hit waiting to happen and all it needs is somebody with more clout than me to say so.

Father's Day Streaming: Burning Bright (2010)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Aw shucks, it looks like I still have not finished the not that special spotlight streaming movie post I intended to write. I swear I'm not lazy, I'm just super slow and well, if I'm being perfectly honest, I may be spending an inordinate amount of time playing video games on a pathetically out of date console lately. I can't help it! That vixen Mrs. Pac Man floods the not very particular reward regions of my brain with super yummy dopamine! It's all good because I found a great movie to recommend on HULU and it looks like I wrote a review for it HERE back when I used to put some sort of value on being slightly productive.

The movie is called BURNING BRIGHT and it's surprisingly good and it stars the lovely BRIANA EVIGAN who is GREG EVIGAN's daughter! So it's kind of a good Father's Day pick too in a way because GREG EVIGAN of B.J. AND THE BEAR DEEP STAR SIX and MY TWO DADS fame is obviously one of the coolest dads ever! Happy Father's Day!

Sunday Viewing:: Dagon (2001)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Awww drat, I had a super special Sunday Streaming planned for today but I didn't get it done in time! All I have prepared is just a big pile of scrambled incoherent spaghetti words and it'll take me far too long to unscramble all the rat tail sentences I spewed. I'm sorry. I'll spotlight the movie in question later. In the meantime, we'll just have to watch something else today. Hey, did you know that I love fish people and that DAGON is on HULU? It's true so lets watch that. I suppose I did spotlight this particular title for Sunday Streaming BACK HERE but that was when it was on Netflix. This time we're talking HULU so it's as free as a fish in the sea or a rat whose tail isn't tied to a big mess of other tails. So DAGON it is. I love this movie, plus now I can just steal an image from an old post and take a nap in air conditioning.

Sunday Viewing:: Frankenhooker (1990)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hey look, good old reliable FRANK HENENLOTTER's hilarious FRANKENHOOKER is available to view for free on HULU! You know, I love the BASKETCASE trilogy so much and I adore the brilliant BRAIN DAMAGE to such a massive degree, that I often forget that FRANKENHOOKER is super snazzy too. In fact, I'd even call it dementedly uproarious or even radically boss! And look how sharp the image is and how bright the groovy colors are compared to my faded shroud of Turin-looking VHS tape! As the great LYNN REDGRAVE once said, "This is living!" Kids, grab the nearest lime green bean bag chair you can find, a delicious can of crisp and crystal clear ASPEN (the new soft drink with just a snap of apple) and join me as I visit New York back in the late eighties, when it was still worth visiting! Yay! Let's spend some quality time with FRANKENHOOKER!

Sunday Streaming :: Neon Maniacs (1986)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

It's so nice outside that I must recommend we destroy the beauty and promise of this day by painting our windows black and staying inside to watch NEON MANIACS (1986)! NEON MANIACS presents a universe superior to our own, so let's say we travel there and then stay there forever! Read a crusty, old moth-chewed review HERE and watch the splendidness below! Yay!