Why do I pretend not to be obsessed with 1982's THE SLAYER when I clearly am? I think we all know it owns my brain! Read a full review for the underrated nightmare of nightmares HERE and check out our old pal looking as sharp and handsome as I've ever seen it below!
Thanks to a genius advertising campaign, BLOOD BEACH (1980) looked like it might be the coolest movie ever made before it came out. The poster was sharp as a knife and the tagline threatened a menace with the capacity to sink JAWS. I recall ominous radio spots that would stop me in my tracks and take a look at this TV ad…
I wasn't old enough to go see it but my older brother was and I couldn't wait for him to fill me in with details and tell me how great it was like he had with FRIDAY THE 13th. That would never happen because his opinion after seeing it was "It sucks, the monster is a plant." I'm don't think I completely believed him but it wasn't long before it popped up on VHS (everything cool back then was on the MEDIA label) and I was able to watch it myself and verify that my brother wasn't lying; it did suck and the monster was a plant! Many years later I sought out BLOOD BEACH for nostalgic reasons and to reaffirm what I already knew (that it sucked and the monster was a plant) and it was nowhere to be found. Really, I bumped into just about every other VHS tape I set my mind to eventually but that one (perhaps knowing that I didn't truly love it) avoided me like the plague.
Times changed, computers took over the world and eventually sneaky movies couldn't hide from anybody anymore because horror convention bootleggers and good ol' YouTube don't play around with coy wallflowers. Unfortunately these versions of BLOOD BEACH have always looked like crap or more accurately, crap's long lost cousin many generations removed as seen through a screen door while wearing scuba goggles filled with Karo Syrup. In fact, it was just a couple months ago I searched for BLOOD BEACH on YouTube and that's all I found. But look, some angel saved the day! Somebody posted a respectable version of BLOOD BEACH! It's even an extended cut, which I assume includes the famous few seconds of extra grossness that was added to appease the German audience! Check it out! I's like the difference between MASH and AfterMASH…..
Does it make the movie any better? Does it make the monster less of a plant? Maybe a little and nope! For me, BLOOD BEACH the movie will never be as large as BLOOD BEACH the anticipation but I still have a fondness for it because the concept, no matter how poorly executed, still thrills me a bit. Sure, the pacing leaves a lot to be desired (and then some and then some more) but on the plus side, it uses its location well enough, represents its time period fairly well and it's got your favorite dad from A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, JOHN SAXON and your not so favorite dad from AMITYVILLE II: THE POSSESSION, BURT "You think that's funny?" YOUNG! If all else fails, it's a great way to visit the beach without getting sand in your drawers! Let's watch it below! Hurry up! Labor Day is right around the corner!
Matty from Boston's mentioning of WHEN A STRANGER CALLS BACK this past week has got me all yearning for some more babysitter in peril horror. Let's say we check out an early example of the tried and true formula with 1971's FRIGHT which stars the ever adorable SUSAN GEORGE! If reading stuff is your bag, you can read an old review HERE otherwise sit back and enjoy the out-of-sight FRIGHT before it up and disappears below!
Hey kids, how's about we take a fancy field trip today? Let's say we bounce on over to the new hot spot known as SHOUT FACTORY TV. They have a bunch of free streaming movies and TV shows over there and the best part is they're offering some of the cool horror titles presented by their offshoot brand SCREAM FACTORY! In fact, currently they are offering up their crispy clear version of the summer slasher THE FINAL TERROR! Sure, It's not the best killer in the woods movie (read our sympathetic review HERE) but it's nowhere near the worst either! In any case, it has never looked better and this time of year it's just nice to get outside … through the safety of your computer screen…while enjoying air conditioning… and are absolutely safe from ticks…and mutant bears…and murderers. Watch the trailer below and the full movie over HERE!'
A long whiles ago I was planning on spotlighting WAKE IN FRIGHT while it was hanging out on Netflix Streaming but before I had a chance, it got evicted and up and disappeared! There's no need to fret though cuz it's done showed up on HULU! Yay! Making matters even more convenient, a quick search of my trashy desktop uncovered half of the post I never finished from zoinks, way back in January! I'll just paste it here for ya'll….
From TED KOTCHEF, the director of FIRST BLOOD, WAKE IN FRIGHT is a highly unnerving outback odyssey into inebriated oblivion. It's a difficult movie to shake and I'd put it right up there with STRAW DOGS and DELIVERANCE, two films that share its fascination with the fallout of testosterone run amuck. Wow, just think of how peaceful the world would be if men decided to stop trying to impress other men. It would be like mellow rainbow unicorn town all over the place.
Unfortunately for me, this great film has a searing drawback in that it features the most atrocious animal deaths imaginable during a kangaroo hunt scene. It can't be unseen and I can attest that putting your hand over the computer screen only helps a little. Some small solace may be derived from knowing that the director utilized footage from an actual hunt that was going to happen anyway in order to expose the cruelty involved. Still, I can't help thinking it's bad mojo. Now real death has floated out of my computer and pushed through my eyes and is currently swinging in a hammock in my head humming "The Old Gray Mare" in the creepiest tone possible. Maybe fast-forwarding is the solution. It's not like you can pass up the only film that directly confronts the perils of waking up naked next to DONALD PLEASENCE.
…and that's all I wrote. Hmmm, funny this film came galloping back to my awareness after this grueling week of dealing with the repugnant murder of Cecil the Lion. I know, some people will ask as they have before, "How can you get upset about an animal's death when you watch so many movies in which so many people die?" It's really very simple. I like animals waaaaaay more than people. I never told you that? It's true. Animals are cute and loyal whereas humans are soulless tubs of rank manure on stilts who'll stab you in the back the first chance they get and would drive over their own Grandmothers if it meant a few extra bucks in their pocket. Present company excluded of course! I need to remember that our readership is mostly human even though we do score highly with doggies aged 2-4 (that would be 14- 24 in people years). Anyway, watch the trailer and excellent movie below, neuter your pets and maybe take it easy on the beer when vacationing in Australia.
Let's talk about the best dollar bill I ever spent. Recently I snagged 1990's METAMORPHOSIS: THE ALIEN FACTOR (not to be confused with the other movie called METAMORPHOSIS released the same year without the ALIEN FACTOR part) at my usual used VHS haunt simply because it was horror/sci-fi and I thought it would be swell to fall asleep to. I recognized the bland box art from my video store days and to say my expectations were low would be to wrongly suggest that I had any expectations to speak of. Anyway, I ended up being rather blown away by it. In fact, I was left with the desire to strangle any and every person who had seen this hidden treasure and had failed to recommended it to me.
I don't get how this movie isn't a horror household name/fan staple by now. The plentiful special effects are so fantastic and creative and all around glorious that I wanted to rewind them again and again. Honestly they left me feeling rather sad and nostalgic, not for a time period left behind but for a way of seeing things that we've lost the ability to. I'm guessing modern audiences would mostly see the multiple creature beasties in this flick as phony rubber puppets, whereas once upon a time they might have used their imagination to blur the lines and make them real. Dang, this blast from the past is even kind enough to serve up heaping ladles of stop-motion animation (!!!) and that's like chicken soup for this horror fan's soul! Why, I think it has even reversed my balding!
How have I lived this long without the knowledge that METAMORPHOSIS: THE ALIEN FACTOR began life as a sequel to one of the greatest monster fests know to man, THE DEADLY SPAWN (1983)? How? The two films may no longer have any connective tissue plot wise but they certainly remain kindred spirits on a DNA level. And even beyond the ambrosial special effects, this here is a rollicking good time stuffed with some hilarious lines and what the local actors lack in talent they more than make up for with adorably awkward charisma.
You know what? I'm just going to blame the misleading nondescript artwork on the tape for all of this movie's woes. Some dingbat in marketing made the bad call of selling this squishy creature feature like some somber dirge and the history of sci-fi horror has suffered the consequences. I wag my finger at that person as they burn forever in hell.
This is Sunday Streaming so I'm leaving you with the flick on YouTube below in hopes that you develop a taste for it. The smudgy picture doesn't do it any favors but hopefully it will be enough to push you toward Amazon to grab a copy on DVD (It can be yours for less than 10 clams!). Normally I'd temper a gush with a, "It may not be for everybody" but if you frequent this site and you've read this far then trust me, this is for you! Would a face like the one below lie?
OR BETTER YET: Here are some choice scenes in higher quality:
Today was made for watching something terrible and movies don't get much more terrible than 1988's heavy metal dipped, killer-in-scrubs slash-a-thon THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY. It's easy to confuse this title with any number of SLUMBER PARTY and/or SORRORITY HOUSE flicks but trust me, this one is in a class all by itself and it should stay in a class all by itself until it is properly vaccinated.
What can I say? Atrocious movies are an important part of my horror diet! I've got news for anyone who thinks that crappy horror movies are a modern scourge: the truth is the ratio of good to bad has always been wildly uneven. But hey, if you are too thin skinned to withstand mind-numbing artlessness and soul stomping banality you have no business scouring the halls of horror with the serious adventurers. Personally I learned early on renting from video stores that for every MANIAC there were a dozen SCHIZOIDs and for each well built HOUSE there were blocks of BLOOD SHACKs. It's O.K. though because the bad movies make the good movies shine all the brighter. To fully appreciate PROM NIGHT you just have to endure GRADUATION DAY and taking a long walk across a parching BLOOD BEACH only makes the menthol coolness of THE FOG that much more of a relief.
Anyway, back to the garbage heap that is THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY… I advise all who attempt a watch it to first place a nice comfy pillow on the ground so that your jaw has a comfortable space to land when it inevitably drops. Now, I've always hated the cliché of complaining that characters in a horror movie are so unlikable that you can't wait for them to die (because really you shouldn't have to like a person to not want them to die) but in this case, the sentiment is on the nose apropos. As if TLSP didn't have enough going against it with every possible factor of it being substandard, every person, including the final girl we're meant to route for, behaves like a perpetually obnoxious cretin. At the risk of being labeled too PC, I'm going to admit that I can imagine a couple thousand things more endearing than the male lead calling his girlfriend a stupid bitch every chance he gets and she countering with every derogatory homophobic slur under the sun. Seriously, the dialogue is so gay-bashy, it could have very well been written by my sociopathic older brother when he was 14, a severely brain damaged bigot or an uncredited ELI ROTH.
Not that tellingly repetitive slang is anywhere near being TLSP's greatest offense by a long shot. It's actually way more insulting towards the art of film, the discipline of screenwriting, the medical profession, the orange juice industry, XANADU fans, TOM SELLECK's mustache, the entire state of Louisiana and whoever invented the ladder. It's so bad I'm trying to figure out a way to trick Aunt John into watching it for more than ten minutes even though I know he'll tap out at five. It's so bad that I'm passing it on to you like a hot potato covered in cooties. Listen, I wouldn't even post about this if it was your standard static wall of boring ineptitude, the truth is this flick is pretty remarkable in its ability to consistently deliver things to shake your head at and be appalled by throughout its entire runtime. So enjoy! Or maybe just endure.
You'll never catch me disparaging PG-rated horror films because that would be like slapping good ol' ONE DARK NIGHT (1982) right in the kisser and I would never do that because I have to live with myself. ONE DARK NIGHT is one of the first horror movies that this once budding fright fan got to see in an actual theater rather than on TV and so it holds a special place in my mausoleum of a heart. I remember being grateful for its less restrictive rating because it meant that I could check it out without the worry of being humiliatingly dejected at the door to the delight of my scowling, satin-jacket clad, toothbrush-gnawing peers.
As it turned out, I totally related to the teenage shenanigans on screen; I found it truly suspenseful and could not get enough of the morbid special effects. I can think of a zillion R-rated horror flicks that are not nearly as creative or engaging. Director TOM McLOUGHLIN went on to direct one of the best FRIDAY THE 13TH installments (PART IV: JASON LIVES), star MEG TILLY went on to the excellent PSYCHO II, scene stealer ELIZABETH DAILY went on to steal PEE WEE HERMAN's heart and sing the greatest song ever, "Mind Over Matter" and I went on to write this old review HERE. ONE DARK NIGHT is currently unavailable on DVD so don't be left out, watch it below…
I gotta get out of the house today because I forget what the sun looks like (a shiny moon?) but don't worry, I wouldn't leave you fine folks with nothing to watch on a Sunday! Today I thought we'd take a break from HULU and give some other joker a chance and so today's entertainment bounty comes from an online joint called CRACKLE. The best horror movie those folks are offering is undoubtably NIGHT OF THE CREEPS. I'm old enough to remember when nobody gave a flying fig about this wonderful piece of art but it has grown to become a beloved cult classic and that makes me proud for the little guy! Read my musty review HERE and my dusty DVD review HERE and check the flick out HERE if you enjoy enjoyment.
Isn't it sad that, once upon a time, I had to visit several video shops before I found a joint that carried THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW and even then, I could only dream of renting it rather than owning a copy of my very own? Boy, have times changed. These days you can watch it for FREE on HULU with your gay spouse! As the great YAKOV SMIRNOFF once said, "What a Country!" It's no secret that I love me some SORORITY ROW because I said so back HERE and I even got extra geeky and made fake sequel posters that are stored over HERE. If you've never seen it before there may be something seriously wrong with you, so get on the right side of history and check it out below!
