Category: Telenasties

THE INITIATION OF SARAH (1978) may be wearing CARRIE's hand me downs but I don't think that's such a damnable thing. There are worse fates than knowing exactly what to expect from a movie and can there ever be too many stories about psychic nerd revenge? Being born for television broadcast prevents SARAH from going hog wild or stomping on too many toes. You'll find no skewering of religious fanaticism here; pigs blood is replaced by mud (and rotten tomatoes) and a sweaty work out will have to do as a stand in for sex. BRIAN DePALMA's classic needn't fret being usurped by this imitator anytime soon but let's be real here, there's only one movie in the world that features the unsinkable SHELLEY WINTERS and employs two of the world's most notable MORGANs (We're talking FAIRCHILD and BRITTANY.) Yes, this also-ran may as well be titled THE IMITATION OF CARRIE but it endures thanks to its fetching cast.

KAY LENZ (who will later star with CARRIE alum WILLIAM KATT in 1986's HOUSE) is our wallflower Sarah. She's a real uggo I guess on account of she wears oversize sweaters. We understand that Sarah is special from the first scene when she stops her more socially acceptable stepsister Patty (BRITTANY) from being raped ten feet in front of her on a beach. Rather than merely yelling "Hey, stop raping my sister in front of me!" Sarah uses her crazy power to knock the guy on his ass. INITIATION may fall infinity short of the emotional depths to be found in BRIAN DePALMA's take on STEPHEN KING's novel but the relationship between these two sisters, one with the opportunity for larger acceptance and one without, is actually pretty interesting in a BASKET CASE kind of way. In fact, Sarah's interactions with others may be what ultimately rescues this movie from the superfluous retread zone.

Once in college, Patty is accepted by a highfalutin, snobby sorority lead by tweezer-faced glamorpuss Jennifer (the FAIRCHILD) and Sarah is relegated to a dumpy sorority of theoretically drab outcasts. We're lead to believe that Patty is the fortunate one in this scenario, but I beg to differ. I admit that the idea of FAIRCHILD forcing me to don hobo drag and beg for change has always been a fantasy of mine but I still think Sarah receives the better deal. She gets to live in a gothic mansion helmed by creepy Mrs. Hunter (brilliantly insane WINTERS) and her roommates include Alberta "Mouse" (Italian horror staple TISA FARROW of ZOMBIE & the underrated says me, THE GRIM REAPER), butch, Izod clad Allison (slick chick TALIA BALSAM of the underrated says me THE KINDRED), and groovy Barbara ( Yay! Plunger gal NORA HEFLIN of the BLAIR-tastic BORN INNOCENT!) For all of Sarah's supposed awkwardness, she's also often seen canoodling heavily with dreamy assistant teacher Paul Yates (future MY BODYGUARD director TONY BILL.) Add to all that gravy the fact that Sarah has coveted psychic powers and I'm hardly convinced that hers is the sticky end of the lollipop. All Patty gets is the opportunity to watch Jennifer manipulate DONNA PESCOW's future squeeze ROBERT HAYS. (Yes, that's an ANGIE reference. Holla, Philly!)

Anyways, Patty and Sarah's sororities have a long history of hating on each other and it puts a giant wedge in their once simpatico relationship. Eventually Sarah starts developing a backbone and throwing grand pianos at her sister and dunking bitch Jennifer in a fountain. Her new found moxie is an inspiration to her sorority sisters and to her house mother who wisely decides to harness Sarah's hate to put an end to the rivalry but unwisely decides to use beloved Mouse as a human sacrifice in a garden maze ritual. Ultimately many things catch on fire and FAIRCHILD's face gets crusty.

If you are looking for simple entertainment, INITIATION is a fluffy success. It's a veritable late night classic and the scene involving FAIRCHILD's fountain comeuppance is highly memorable and plenty o' fun. Still, it's unquestionably undercooked and rough around the edges. I'm convinced that SHELLEY's character is, in fact Sarah's real mom, but for some reason that revelation is never exploited or properly addressed. I'm also of the thinking that SHELLEY's witchcraft is the cause of an injury that befalls "Mouse" but we're never allotted any acknowledgment or evidence in that area either and that would have helped too. Unable to fall back on gore or sex, the television movie's major strength comes in the form of characterization and story and these needlessly dropped threads leave a major dent.

This is a fun movie but there's no reason why it couldn't be more effective too. Unlike CARRIE's ultimate end, SARAH's feels strangely unfinished and substantially less satisfying. INITIATION may know whom to follow but it doesn't seem to understand why or where. As I said though, you do get WINTERS and two, count em', two legendary MORGANs and that ain't hay. Too bad SARAH is so oblivious to just how good she's got it.

NOTE:: This review is an important part of a nutritious breakfast AND it's a part of the FINAL GIRL FILM CLUB. For more on SARAH look HERE!

I usually liken the winters spent in Kindertrauma Castle with THE SHINING. You know, unavoidable cabin fever, highly repetitive writing and the occasional Big Wheel ride. This past winter though, sheesh, that analogy just won't cut it. Winter 2010 was more like JOHN CARPENTER'S THE THING, more Antarctica than Colorado. Beards were grown, long johns were worn and as we fond ourselves surrounded by suspicious pets, paranoia reigned. The only alleviation from the madness was found in roller-skating to STEVIE WONDER tunes, whiskey and the occasional video chess game (well more like UNCHARTED 2 than chess, but you get the idea). And yes, I admit it, mysterious shredded clothes were discovered and somebody ended up tied to a chair. Let's not talk about the noose, "I'm all better now."

I tell you this because last week when spring finally frickin' sprung it was time to get the hell out of this stinkin' shoebox! How could we though, we had just discovered SCREAM PRETTY PEGGY on VEOH (thanks to readers Mike & Senski) and it simply had to be viewed at once, what to do?

Then I had an idea of Blair Warner magnitude. Since we were locked into watching SCREAM PRETTY PEGGY on the laptop anyway why not take it into the backyard and watch it outside under the stars? A.J. groused like a man in love with his couch but I insisted. I needed to get outside before my head popped off and grew lobster legs!

Kids, do you know that watching T.V. in the backyard is the best, most fun thing on Earth? You can drink beer freely and they have something called oxygen there. If your brain is made of Play-doh like mine is, you can even imagine that you are at the drive in! It's easy, just pretend that you're as big as a matchbook and that you're sitting on the space key of your computer. Naturally, the more experience you have beating reality into submission the easier this trick will work for you. Good luck and remember to turn back to normal size after the show!

Now on to the movie, one of the first things that I noticed while watching this one was how much of a fan I WAS NOT of Peggy. I had just seen actress SIAN BARBARA ALLEN in YOU'LL LIKE MY MOTHER and found her tolerable enough so I'm assuming it's the way the character is written. I'm sorry, but if the first thing I learn about you as a person is that you CUT IN LINE, our relationship is pretty much null and void. I thought momentarily that Peggy and I could be pals when she said she was looking for a "lighthouse keeping job" as that too is my dream. Turns out she didn't say, "lighthouse keeping," she said, "light – housekeeping." Oh, Peggy, you and I haven't a chance.

You see, I have your number Peggy, I've encountered your type before! You feign helplessness to get your foot in the door and then suddenly you own the place. Your too easy grin, your phony self deprecation, do you think I was born yesterday Peg? You are obnoxious and pushy and that is why I've re-titled your film SCRAM PUSHY PEGGY!

I have a hard time believing anyone would hire Peggy but get hired she does; I guess it helps when you're willing to sell your services for 75 cents an hour (an amount that shrewd, manipulative Peggy jacks up to 1.65 within minutes of arrival.) Peggy is hired by famous sculpture Jeffrey Elliot (TED BESSELL, THAT GIRL's ever patient Donald) who lives with his mother Mrs. Elliot (some lady called BETTE DAVIS). The audience is aware that the Elliots are hiding secrets almost instantly and Peggy, who's not the brightest peg on the Lite Brite board, has a notion too. FREE ADVICE: If you have a horrendous, odious secret you're trying to keep, a secret so dark and twisted that discovery of it will land you a lifetime gig in Sing-Sing do your own "light-housekeeping." Don't allow strangers into your web, fool! There's a reason why everything in Kindertrauma Castle is covered in fur balls and on the fritz!

Although more cliché ridden than a thousand hipsters, there are several elements to this 1973 made-for-television movie that raise its ass above the chaff; the killer in a long flowing nightie with disheveled hair is tops for one. The image is not used enough but it's grand and slasher worthy. Check out TERROR OUT OF THE SKY (1978)'s TOVAH FELDSHUH's opening kill it's pretty good (incidentally, TOVAH did the voice over work as "grown-up Jane" in SILVER BULLET. Man, I wish she got the part of Peggy.) In addition, I LOVE the evil red sculptures that Jeff creates; they're these gigantic molten creations and they steal every scene they're in (plus they'd look great in the backyard.)

Then there's BETTE DAVIS, it may be the gay gene talking but you're more likely to look away from a UFO landing than her. I know A.J. has a penchant for her because he has a soft spot for snide, irascible misanthropes (don't ask me how I know that) but I dig her because she never fails to remind me of MARTIN SHORT. Some feel that DAVIS has little to do in this movie but I think that's kind of the beauty part. More often than not she is just propped up on a bed, handed a teacup filled with hooch and prodded to squawk lines like "Leave…this…house!," "You don't…be-long here!," and "You're…(pause)…fired!"

SCREAM PRETTY PEGGY is generally bland and predictable but speckled with splinters of semi-greatness. I'm sure its final revelation held some kind of scandalamity power back in the day but to contemporary audiences, it's the second most overused "twist" right behind "P.S., you're already dead!" Still one does not look a DAVIS cameo in the mouth and I have to admit my abhorrence toward the title character made it a particularly fun movie to bark and throw imaginary jujubes at. That's another great thing about watching movies outside; what better way to announce to the neighbors that their cruel summer of bad eighties music noise pollution is right around the corner? I know it's rude to subject innocent ears to archaic pop tunes but at least I don't cut in line.

Much to the consternation of your Unkle Lanicfer, your dear old Aunt John thinks the perfect recipe for some good T.V. watching (and by good T.V., I do mean basic cable) involves reality or reenactment-based programming with a supernatural twist. Admittedly, my love for this genre is deeply tied to my childhood fixation on IN SEARCH OF, hosted by LEONARD NIMOY. How great was that show? Each week presented a stock-footage heavy snapshot of hot topics I felt strongly about: ghosts, Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Stonehenge, etc.

Although the television landscape has evolved, or devolved depending upon your viewpoint, over the past (cough) thirty years (sadly, it's been that long since NIMOY went IN SEARCH OF anything I care about), reality shows (thanks REAL WORLD!) and reenactment programming (UNSOLVED MYSTERIES anyone?) eventually got together in some drunken pitch meeting and birthed a supernatural sub-genre I just can't seem to get enough of.

In short order, I am fanatical for Discovery Channel's A HAUNTING. It has a title sequence not unlike TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE, and the myopic casting choices are always hysterical in that the actors are always exponentially much sexier than the real folks they are portraying. I also have a slight schoolgirl crush on A&E's PARANORMAL STATE. I could care less that Ryan and the other acne afflicted young adults of the Penn State Paranormal Research Society have been in college for what seems forever, as long as they continue to consult with teddy bear medium extraordinaire CHIP COFFEY, I will keep tuning in, unless of course, it airs opposite CHIP's side gig PSYCHIC KIDS: CHILDREN OF THE PARANORMAL. I am a COFFEY addict, what can I say?

This is not to say that I have embraced all of the apparition appointment television offerings. I sort of dug SYFY's GHOST HUNTERS when it debuted, solely because co-hosts JASON and GRANT went to great lengths to remind us that they were meager plumbers by day and ghost busters on the weekend. Now they've gotten all fancy schmancy with not one but two spin-offs (GHOST HUNTERS INTERNATIONAL and the insufferable GHOST HUNTERS ACADEMY), and quite frankly, I'd rather have them come check out my pipes than look for a poltergeist in my pantry.

Whereas I would let the GHOST HUNTERS into my bathroom, I would not the frat-tastic troika of the TRAVEL CHANNEL's GHOST ADVENTURES near my septic tank, unless the lid was off and I could push them into it. Put simply, they are the three biggest pieces of shit I have ever lost a half-hour or so of my life to.

Recently, ANIMAL PLANET has gotten on the spooky short bus with the unoriginally titled THE HAUNTED. Despite its suck-ass title, it's pretty enjoyable fare. Each episode centers on either pets haunted by ghosts or people haunted by animal spirits, and I gotta tell you, that episode about the lady who opened the candle shoppe in the Poconos in a rustic house which turned out to be the former residence of some late doctor who experimented on monkeys in his basement while looking for the cure for yellow fever and now her dream boutique was haunted by said monkey ghosts made for some pretty compelling television watching.

Also, TLC dipped its big toe into the dead pool with the misleadingly titled GHOST INTERVENTION. Seriously, I was hoping they finally found a co-starring vehicle for CHIP COFFEY and INTERVENTION's CANDY FINNEGAN, but alas, this ain't that. Picture three new age ladies, one of which who only wears sarongs, telling people who knew that their houses were haunted that their houses are indeed haunted, and you get the very boring, sarong wearing picture.

That said, based on my expert knowledge of basic cable, it is just a matter of time before, say, THE FOOD NETWORK, BRAVO, and MTV gets in on the act and follows suit with similarly themed programming. If your Aunt John was in charge of a basic cable network, here are some shows I would like to see produced:

The semi-inebriated seeming FOOD NETWORK hostess who always does a semi-half-assed job with passing off store bought items as her own culinary creations shares her secrets for how to add a little prepackaged pizzazz to your next undead dinner party.

BRAVO's bottle-blonde ball buster has no time for sloppy salons, and she has even less patience for mismanaged mausoleums. Watch what happens! Enough said.

Tired of fashion victims not following their rules, TLC style experts CLINTON KELLEY and STACY LONDON take their hen party to the other side and teach challenged spirits the simple steps for turning a routine haunting into a full-blown possession with panache.

Your Aunt John knows better than to tamper with a cash cow, and this PAULA DEEN vehicle follows the same blueprint as her other show, the primary difference is that all of her guest stars on this one die on camera from cardiac arrest brought on by butter.

Your Aunt John is also a firm believer of striking while the flat iron is hot, and the pre-production backlash brewing from the Garden State League of Italian-Americans Afflicted with Disposaphobia should be enough to make this a number one hit with the coveted tween demographic.