Category: Telenasties

What has been my favorite part of hosting Kindertrauma? Meeting folks like Mickster. If you follow these pages at all you are probably familiar with her contributions in the field of traumafessions, her frequent comments and her undeniable prowess with horror trivia. Along with her hubby Professor Von Whiskersen, she has become a true friend.

One of the first things that I learned about our Mickster is that she is a die-hard fan of FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE SERIES. I remember seeing episodes back in the day and I remember liking them but I never followed it faithfully. Upon her advice, I decided to catch up with it on DVD because a T.V. show that is my friend's friend is my friend too.

Mickster and I now present you with our thirteen personal favorite things about the series, which will simultaneously give you the viewpoint of both a devoted fan and a wet behind the ears newbie. Our ultimate point being, you should be catching up with this classic too. Mickster, take it away…

MICKSTER's TOP SIX:

(Actor) DENIS FOREST
Frequent guest star, DENIS FOREST is one of many reasons I love FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE SERIES. He appeared in four episodes during the show's three seasons. From the moment I laid eyes on him, he made my skin crawl. In "Cupid's Quiver," he is the epitome of the sleazy stalker. In "The Brain Drain," he even makes a mentally disabled character creepy. His compulsive gambling character thinks he has found the solution to his mounting debts in "The Mephisto Ring." In "My Wife as a Dog," he portrays a divorced firefighter that wants to switch his ex-wife's life with the life of his beloved, dying dog.

JACK MARSHAK (actor CHRIS WIGGINS)
What would FRIDAY THE 13th: THE SERIES be without Jack? Well, there wouldn't have been a show without Jack. Ryan wanted to keep the store, but Micki insisted they sell the store and its contents. After the big sale, Jack arrives and discovers the manifest. Ryan and Micki were getting ready to go back to their old lives before the revelation they had unleashed cursed objects into the world. Jack's vast knowledge of the occult and magic saved Ryan and Micki on numerous occasions. I have a soft spot for older characters that kick butt. You just don't have many of those nowadays.

TIME TRAVEL
Awesome cursed objects used for time travel makes me love the Series even more. Four episodes involved objects used for time travel: season one "The Baron's Bride," season two "Eye of Death," and season three "Hate on Your Dial" and "The Charnel Pit." My favorite of the four is season one's "The Baron's Bride." This episode has a vampire traveling back in time via a diamond broach and inspiring Bram Stoker to write Dracula. The sequences of the episode taking place in the past were filmed in black-and-white, which I think was a nice touch.

(actor) ZACK WARD ( aka A CHRISTMAS STORY's Scut Farcus )
One of my favorite episodes from season one, "Vanity's Mirror," features ZACK WARD. You may be more familiar with ZACK as Scut "Yellow Eyes" Farcus from the classic holiday film A CHRISTMAS STORY. After he falls under the spell of a cursed compact, ZACK meets his doom in a trash compactor. Ralphie, Flick, and Schwartz would have cheered Helen on as she turned Scut Farcus into a bloody stain at the bottom of a dumpster. The poor guy was trying to be a gentleman by retrieving Helen's handkerchief she purposely threw in the dumpster.

RYAN DALLION (Actor JOHN D. LEMAY)
As much as I enjoyed checking out Micki's hip styles each episode, I think I enjoyed making fun of Ryan's interesting fashion choices more. For my money, Ryan's worst fashion choices were featured in the fantastic season one episode, "Scarecrow". The cardigan and cap he sported for the majority of the episode were simply atrocious. Bad fashion choices or not, I still had a crush on him. I think there was something about him that reminded me of Duckie from PRETTY IN PINK.

(Actor) R.G. ARMSTRONG
Whenever I see R.G. ARMSTRONG it is a safe bet he is going to be a bad guy. His turn as Uncle Lewis Vendredi is no exception. During the first episode called, "The Inheritance," it appears Uncle Lewis reconsidered by deciding not to sell an evil doll to a little girl. By doing this, the Devil promptly drags him to Hell. During the rest of the series, whenever Uncle Lewis appears he is up to no good. He attempts to make his way back to earth in the season one episode, "Hellowe'en" and the season two episode, "Doorway to Hell." R. G. ARMSTRONG is the quintessential bad guy.

UNK's TOP SIX:

(actress) SARAH POLLEY
The series is off to a great start by featuring one of my favorite actresses (DAWN OF THE DEAD's SARAH POLLEY) as a young child in its very first episode. The fact that this series opener also involves a very kindertraumatic haunted doll, makes it just that much more awesome.

(actress) LESLEH DONALDSON
How happy am I to see scream queen LESLEH DONALDSON in the episode "The Great Montarro"? In the early eighties LESLEH consecutively starred in FUNERAL HOME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, DEADLY EYES and the inimitable slasher classic CURTAINS!

MICKI FOSTER (actress ROBEY)
You can not underestimate the supernatural allure of ginger goddess (LOUISE) ROBEY. For my money she may be one of the most under appreciated eighties icons of all time. Everything about her emits the neon glow of the decade of excess from her fire alarm mane to her off stage new wave rocker persona (Just check out her singing cameo in THE MONEY PIT). Wherever you are ROBEY, come back we miss you!

EVIL DWARF LADY
I'm a sucker for Halloween episodes but F13:TS's "Hellowe'en" takes the pumpkin cake by resurrecting Lewis Vendredi (the uncle responsible for the cursed antiques) and giving him an evil shape shifting dwarf lady for a sidekick. I'm officially hooked now.

CANADA
X-FILES fans need to give this show some props. FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE SERIES not only has a level headed redhead as a protagonist but like THE X-FILES, is also filmed in Canada. That might not seem like a big deal except for the fact that the great white north has a very distinctive (barren, cold) feel on the small screen. (The above image is from that outstanding WILLIAM FRUET (KILLER PARTY, FUNERAL HOME) directed first season episode "Scarecrow.") Damn, Canada's greatest export DAVID CRONENBERG even directed an episode (Between THE FLY and DEAD RINGERS no less)!

KOSHER ROMANTIC SPARKS
One of the things that used to confuse me about this show when it originally aired was the sometimes romantic interplay between the two main characters who happen to be cousins (My brothers always informed me that if I had a baby with my cousin Allison it would be born with its thumb stuck to its nose). As it turns out Micki and Ryan are only cousins by marriage, which means they can pretty much knock themselves out and not have any mutant babies. (As it turns out though, they have much more pressing concerns, what with all them cursed antiques they have to wrangle.)

REASON #13: WE BOTH SAY…

THE THEME SONG
Mickster and I agree that the theme song rules in all sorts of ways, check it out below…

THE DEMON MURDER CASE is a television movie from 1983 that purports to tell the tale of a young child possessed by a demon (or 42.) What separates it from the standard possession tale is the fact that a close friend of the boy's family ends up killing a man and proclaiming that he was effected by the demon as well. It became the first case in which possession was suggested as a potential defense in court. (I've used the possession excuse myself to explain many indiscretions and I can tell you, much like my Big Bird alarm clock, it only works part of the time.) Ultimately the man responsible for the murder spent five years in jail and the possessed child was reportedly successfully exorcised. Although the story made worldwide news at the time it has since nearly evaporated from the public consciousness.

I actually caught this telenastie back when it originally aired and, being the lightest touch imaginable when it comes to possession films, it had my imagination running around like a cat with firecrackers tied to its tail. (Please do not test out that analogy.) The idea of an evil entity not only jumping hosts but also forcing a person to kill against his will is frightening alone, but what got to me was the kid's description of the instigating demon. The boy describes him as being burnt black from head to toe, with sunken eyes, a plaid shirt and ripped jeans. As an afterthought he adds that the being has cloven feet, "Like a deer." That's some pretty vivid stuff and who could make something like that up? (Oh, and did I mention ED & LORRAINE WARREN are involved?)

Philly's own KEVIN BACON, CLORIS LEACHMAN, THE THING's RICHARD MASUR, EDDIE ALBERT and, Aunt John's dream date, JOYCE VAN PATTON are all in the cast. As far as the direction goes this is pretty rudimentary stuff, but due to the subject matter it needs only touch a few bases to be effective anyway. Distorted camera angles go a long way when depicting a tortured soul and there is just something legitimately disturbing about a grizzled adult voice coming out of a child and wailing, "You're all going to die!" Sure, I fell asleep a tad during the boring second half, but when I did, I had bad dreams, bad dreams with hooves!

So get this, shortly after T.D.M.C. originally aired my family got transferred to beautiful Brookfield, Connecticut. It was hard starting at a new school and I was spending loads of hours by myself with only my stinky brain to keep me company. One day at a grocery store I spied a horror paperback called THE DEVIL IN CONNECTICUT which I convinced my mother Cartman-style into buying for me ("But muuuum…") It wasn't long before I realized that not only was this book based on the same tale as THE DEMON MURDER CASE, but that I was now living in the very town where it all took place. Further still, while my family was waiting for our house to be finished our Dog "Misty" was staying at the dog kennel where the actual murder happened. (Cue Tubular Bells…)

I never finished reading the book because it was just way too damn scary and like I said above, I was a light touch. What sticks out about it though was that somewhere on or in this paperback it said something about the demon vowing to return and possess someone else and kill once again. (I no longer have the book so if that is a bit off I apologize.) Looking around Brookfield, at its well scrubbed and robust inhabitants, I surmised one thing; if anyone was going to get possessed around here it was going to be pasty little ginger-ghoul me. I swore to keep a keen eye out for burnt people with hooves and pre-grunge fashion tastes…

This case is often confused with another one that was recently made into the film A HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT and both do involve the WARRENS, the parapsychologist couple made famous for their work in Amityville. Interestingly, the kid who was allegedly possessed in Brookfield is all grown up now and says it was all a big fat hoax adding that he was exploited and then ostracized. (As someone who drove past his house in a car full of howling teens on Halloween, I can attest to the fact that his family was indeed given the BOO RADLEY treatment. ) Still others like LORRAINE WARREN claim that these dismissals are only being made to sell yet another book and that there is plenty of documentation to support the more supernatural version of events (not that you are allowed to see it.).

As much as this story haunted my youth, I'm honestly a little saddened by the idea that it was probably just a bunch of flimflammery concocted to keep an accused murderer out of jail and attempt to score another Amityville style financial bonanza. As with that more famous case, I am left wondering which is the more frightening truth, rampant supernatural demonic activity or soulless garden variety greed? Burnt faced men with hooves are still a scary idea, but at least such a creature is not so low as to try to pinch your wallet. The good news is, if it was all a sham, that means I can sleep at night knowing that the reason I personally never got possessed during my stint in Connecticut was because there never was a demon in the first place not because I wasn't worthy material as I've sometimes feared.

SUPER FREE BONUS REVIEW: A HAUNTING: Ep. "Where Demons Dwell"

In its translation to television many details and characters are lost in THE DEMON MURDER CASE, but it is small potatoes compared to the story's reworking into an episode of the Discovery Channel's supernatural reenactment show A HAUNTING. Upon first viewing it is almost unrecognizable as the famous tale of the first murder ever committed in Brookfield, Connecticut. This is mostly due to the fact that the murder itself is never even mentioned.

The episode "Where Demons Dwell" works just as good as any other for daytime creeps, but it ups the ante in the questionable truth department tenfold. Like a video version of the telephone game, some ideas are expanded (an old well is blamed) and some are dropped completely (like a man being stabbed to death and his attacker blaming a demon.) Considering that this case owes its notoriety to the murder itself makes this a head scratching omission. Taking into account that the man who committed the act is one of the talking heads recounting the tale, I just think that maybe somebody might have thought to bring it up.

Also glaringly absent is the viewpoint of the now grown boy who was once considered possessed, who claims to have never been approached for his side of the story (probably because he now says it is all baloney.) I of all people have no idea what the ultimate truth is or even if there is one, but it does seem to me that one should always consider the source. Something tells me though (a voice in my head?) that if the entire truth ever could be known that the least interesting character in this bizarre family drama just might end up being the devil himself.

Voiceover: In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In Walnut Grove, the dedicated detectives who investigate theses vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Prairie Victims Unit. These are their stories:

The Webb Farm House; May 1:


Walnut Grove Schoolhouse; May 2:


Some Creepy Forest; Less Than Two Minutes Later, May 2:


Kitchen, Nellie's Restaurant & Hotel; May 3:


Barn, The Old Atkins' Place; May 4:


Barn, The Old Atkins' Place; 4 Minutes Later; May 4:


Barn, The Old Atkins' Place; 1 Minute After That; May 4:

With all the countless hours I spent watching the boob tube in my youth, how is it even possible that I have never come across the 1977 made-for-television EXORCIST wannabe entitled THE POSSESSED? Jeez, the darn thing takes place in an all girls school and stars DEAD AND BURIED's JAMES FARENTINO for Pete's sake. FARENTINO plays an ex-priest who, during a near death experience, is told to get his ass back to Earth and start stomping evil. That premise alone would have placed it high on my must obsess about list but egad, the entire cast is like a who's who of soon to be stalked by me stars.

Just imagine that future Wookie pal, whip virtuoso and debatable Replicant HARRISON FORD shows up to play a smoldering, in more way than one, biology teacher; and his hot to trot students include ANN DUSENBERRY (JAWS 2), DIANA SCARWID (PSYCHO 3), DINAH MANOFF (CHILD'S PLAY) and wholly Toledo P.J., "I always forget my chemistry book and my math book, and my English book, and my, let's see, my French book, and… well who needs books anyway, I don't need books, I always forget all my books, I mean, it doesn't really matter if you have your books or not" SOLES of you know, HALLOWEEN (and of course, CARRIE).

O.K. it's not exactly scary by today's standards, and it is of course stifled a bit in its need to keep notice of prime time censors, but I feel pretty confident that if I had caught this back in my youth it would have freaked me out in a serious way. FARENTINO begins investigating a number of increasingly dangerous fires that seem to be igniting on their own or perhaps are sparked by one of the school girl's unwanted affiliation with the occult. Before you know it some characters are exiting stage right engulfed by flames and eventually the culprit is revealed to be someone rather low on the suspect list. The final poolside showdown between priest and possessed may lack spinning heads and levitation, but it almost makes up for that with it's one of a kind nail spitting sequence.

Truth be told, Aunt John (an unrepentant devotee of nonsensical made-for-T.V. cinema) was more than a little miffed that zero was given as far as any explanation for what we had just witnessed, and he does have a point. Who knows what the hell was going on at this crazy school where kids ride their bikes in the hall and HARRISON FORD is treated like a garden variety himbo? Frankly, I'm not sure I want to know. I just wish this baby was made into a series. Plus c'mon, I'm not the type to look a gift P.J. SOLES in the mouth, especially if that mouth has the potential to spit nails!

AMERICAN WEREWOLF, "Makin'It" sensation, and self-professed pepper DAVID NAUGHTON stars in this 1982 television movie that propels classic vampire lore into the age of Members Only Jackets. Its intentions to modernize the undead are made clear in the opening credits, where light chamber music and details of KLIMPT portraits give way to cat calls and neon clad hookers on Hollywood Boulevard. Looking like an extended version of the HALL AND OATES video "Maneater," I, DESIRE concerns a mysterious femme fatale who, masquerading as a streetwalker, parasitically dines on her clientele.

NAUGHTON plays law student David Balsiger whose part-time work as a morgue assistant puts him in contact with the corpse of a unlucky john who is not only drained of blood but also has tell tale bite marks on his neck. The slippery slope of obsession is not far behind. Mild curiosity leads to late nights spent combing the gritty streets and even an eventual arrest for soliciting an undercover police officer. Soon his sweet natured girl friend Cheryl (MARILYN JONES) is not only questioning his sanity, but also his fidelity.

Television vampire movie or not I, DESIRE does a fine job of presenting a relationship on the skids due to one member's dubious nocturnal activities. When we first meet David and his girlfriend they have recently moved in together and there are subtle signs that he is resisting domestication. As it turns out, the vampire David is pursuing only feeds upon men who have strayed from their relationships. In fact, he learns that a vampire has no power over a "righteous" man. When he finally comes face to face with the object of his infatuation (the female vampires' name is "Desire") David's dilemma is presented as a choice between light and dark, but it's more like a choice between picket fences and prostitutes.

I, DESIRE does have a few clunky missteps (I could have done without the canned mountain lion growl that accompanies each vampire attack), more than a few notable lines of dialogue ("You wear your righteousness like a coat so you can slip into something more comfortable when it gets too hot"), a couple neat twists, and it actually does offer a unique take on the vampire legend. The contrast between safe domesticity (complete with fifties era black and white television and music-box tunes) and seedy, early eighties Los Angeles night life (complete with bluesy saxophones and spandex) is nicely presented and a lot of fun.

In some ways I, DESIRE makes a great reverse companion piece to AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON. It also fits keenly beside PAUL SCHRADER'S 1982 take on CAT PEOPLE, with its constant rotation between fascination and fear of the erotic. As a television movie, it is limited from going to certain extremes, but if you read between the lines it has more to offer than many current attempts to tackle similar material. NAUGHTON's presence alone is enough of a reason to watch, but I should add that a young BRAD DOURIF delivers a remarkably forceful, borderline deranged performance that threatens to steal the entire production. Currently I, DESIRE is not officially available on DVD but it is indeed possible to track down. It's sleaze-light tone makes it worth the extra effort, particularly for all of you blood thirsty vampire fanatics out there, plus we're talking 1982 here, was there any better year for horror?

Note: Special thanks to Richard of the great DOOMED MOVIETHON !!!

Continuing with the theme of '70s made-for-television movies set on unbelievably roomy commercial airplanes comes the ERNEST BORGNINE-led THE GHOST OF FLIGHT 401. The opening credits feature a flight crew of pretty stellar actors (RUSSELL JOHNSON of GILLIGAN'S ISLAND, HOWARD HESSEMAN of WKRP fame, and the lovely and talented KIM BASINGER); however, save for BASINGER, none of the aforementioned icons survive the routine flight from New York to Miami and all perish when their plane crashes in the swampy Florida Everglades.

Of course, a major airplane disaster is no match for co-pilot BORGNINE, and he manages to make it out of the bog and to the intensive care unit where he flat lines in the subsequent scene, but not before telling his wife that he loves her and their two small children. Cut to the obligatory graveyard scene, followed by some reminiscing over the loss of Papa Bear BORGNINE, and the lives of those that work at the airline seemingly return to normal. The salvaged pieces of the crashed plane are used as replacement parts for other planes within the fleet and BASINGER eventually finds herself passing out peanuts and reminding passengers to return their seat-back trays to the upright position.

Alas, BASINGER is not the only flight crewmember from the doomed Flight 401 to return to the friendly skies; the ghost of BORGNINE joins her. At first he only appears to the female stewardesses in the galley, and their claims are dismissed as hysteria by smarmy airline pencil pusher GARY LOCKWOOD. In fact, he sends BASINGER off to a company therapist before allowing her to fly again, and she delivers one of those over-the-top, Emmy-baiting monologues about her dead Mama worthy of recitation by MARY CATHERINE GALLAGHER. The supernatural cameos by BORGNINE continue to escalate, and after the male pilots begin to substantiate the stewardesses' claims, LOCKWOOD begrudgingly agrees to attend a séance to rid the airline of its in-flight ghost once and for all.

As far as séances go, THE GHOST OF FLIGHT 401 features a real snoozer. No crystal balls, no Ouija boards, just two really dull mediums who tell us that the late co-pilot is attached to the repurposed parts of the plane and he wants everyone to be safe. Even BORGNINE skips this scene and it anticlimactically ends on a dull note with a stock shot of the clouds and a voiceover saying that the ghostly appearances promptly stopped after the séance.

Based on a book based on the actual crash of an Eastern Air Lines plane, THE GHOST OF FLIGHT 401 pales in comparison to THE HORROR AT 37,000 FEET. It tries too hard to be serious, and sidesteps it full potential. With BORGNINE haunting the plane and a young BASINGER pushing a drink cart, one should expect first-class thrills, not cramped, coach chills.