Category: Telenasties

Even your old Unkle Lancifer has his off days. While constructing the ever useful and fully copyrighted SCARECROW FEAR-O-METER, I made a startling omission. I am ashamed to say I completely forgot the classic episode of FRIDAY THE 13th: THE SERIES aptly entitled "Scarecrow." In my defense, I did remember the episode with my own little brain and with no help from you readers who are supposed to alert me to my oversights (remember the Kindertrauma hotline is 555-5555; call collect if you like!). The problem is, this is no small gaff on my part, if I had to do it all over again the scarecrow in this episode would have garnered the highest possible rating and left all other rag covered contestants lying in the dust. For this scarecrow is indeed the scariest, he not only has a leather mask that recalls DAVID CRONENBERG's stint as a psycho in NIGHT BREED, but he also has the coolest mythology attached as well. See all you gotta do with this guy is attach the picture of the jerk you want to kill to his lapel and he's off with his scythe to collect their head! Of course he was sold at ye olde cursed antique shop at one point in his career which is a bit questionable, but who cares, you get to watch the eternally awesome uber-ginger ROBEY track him down. This great episode which was voted THE fan favorite during a marathon on the CHILLER horror channel was even directed by WILLIAM FRUET, who has more than his fair share of above average slashers under his belt. I'm talking DEATH WEEKEND, FUNERAL HOME, SPASMS and KILLER PARTY. The guy even did the sci-fi monster mash BLUE MONKEY with a little itty bitty TRAUMATOT named SARAH POLLEY! So perhaps fate knew what it was doing when it threw me that curveball of a brain fart, because this episode, whose final ten minutes should make most theatrical movies take a hard look in the mirror, cry and blow their brains out, deserves its very own private entry on our humble pages!

• The lightening storm opening beheading sets the perfect stage
• Scarecrow attacks during sun bleached afternoon ala THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE
• Ryan gets personal with that signed baseball and the tale about his brother's death (He also wears THE coolest hockey sweater)
• No, he didn't just pop out of the bed!
• Marge Longacre (PATRICIA PHILLIPS) and her scissors! Actually, Marge tears it up in just about every scene she's in. ALICE KRIGE, watch your back!

P.S.: If you're anything like me (and plushy fetish/cannibalistic tendencies aside, why shouldn't you be?) The mere mention of the mono monickered ROBEY will have this JAUNTY TUNE blasting in your head. Yes, it's a cover of that famous CHESS song sung by MURRAY HEAD who is strangely enough the brother of ANTHONY STEWART HEAD (Giles on Buffy). Beware: ROBEY's "music" video is known to cause permanent eye and ear damage.

 

 Following the highly suspicious gun death of her estranged mother, Diane Shaw (BELINDA MONTGOMERY) is practically adopted graveside by purported family friend Lilith Malone (SHELLEY WINTERS) who I-N-S-I-S-T-S Diane move in with her and her mute man servant (DARK SHADOWS' JONATHAN FRID) immediately. Back at the house, Lilith makes a production number out of presenting Diane with a cheap looking ring once owned by her late mother. Perhaps blinded by her grief, Diane fails to notice the ominous portrait of Satan hanging above the mantel. She does realize that Lilith and her middle-aged posse of eccentric pals, who include the legendary ABE VIGODA and the handsome Southern woman who was the manager of the Susan B. Anthony Hotel for Women on BOSOM BUDDIES, have an off-putting interest in her. As soon as Diane gets her hands on her inheritance from the executor of her mother's estate (JOSEPH COTTON), she hightails it out of Lilith's house, takes on a roommate and moves into a horse-themed bachelorette pad downstairs from the curly-haired dreamboat Steve (ROBERT FOXWORTH). Although relations between Diane and Lilith have grown strained, dopey Diane agrees to return to Lilth's place for a swinging party in her honor. After executing one of the most awkward interpretative dances ever to be captured on the small screen, Diane learns the horrible truth that her late mother got her freak on one drunken night with the Prince of Darkness, and that she is Satan's little girl. Determined to lead a normal life, well as normal as one can for being THE DEVIL'S DAUGHTER, Diane severs all ties with Lilith and fast tracks her courtship with the aforementioned Steve by accepting his proposal of matrimony. Naturally, wedding protocol dictates an appearance by the Father of the Bride, and being the big softie that he is, Satan shows up to give his little girl away. Exhibiting all of the subtlety of a monster truck jam, SHELLEY WINTERS owns this sub-par, supernatural TV movie by bulldozing over anyone with the misfortune of sharing screen time with her.

• The brief cameo by DIANE LADD as Diane's mother and Satan's concubine
• Diane shakes her tail feather and jiggles it, just a little bit, for the daffy devil worshippers
• The tragic death of Diane's roommate at the hooves of an overexcited horse
• Steve's super dreamy eyes shining like a crazy demonic diamond for Diane at the altar

For some reason ANTS, a.k.a. IT HAPPENED AT LAKEWOOD MANOR, a 1977 made for television movie, seemed to be broadcast every other evening throughout the '80s. A product of the nature-run-amuck cycle inspired by JAWS, ANTS, while short on thrills, is an entertaining diversion that resembles an episode of FANTASY ISLAND gone horribly wrong. Featuring stars on their way up (SUZANNE SUMMERS), down (MYRNA LOY), and nowhere (GALACTICA 1980 bound BARRY VAN DYKE), it's a perfect time capsule of its era. Icy-eyed construction worker ROBERT FOXWORTH (PROPHECY) while digging next to a fancy-schmancy hotel unearths a special chemical enhanced breed of ant whose bite is as poisonous as the script requires at any given time (If you're doubting Thomas STEVEN FRANKEN, the poisonous effects are instantaneous!). These killer insects have their own weird trippy electronic soundtrack to accompany them wherever they go and when their numbers are down, it appears something resembling coffee grounds can be used to stand in for them. The ants first mission is to attack the hotel where all the sun-kissed California blondes are residing. At some late point in the game we learn from a questionable scientist that these ants will not attack if you stay perfectly still (Tell that to the sleeping SUMMERS who is now pushing up daisies). This allows for an amazing scene that features LYNDA DAY GEORGE (PIECES) breathing heavily through a rolled up swatch of wallpaper while the six legged dickens crawl all over her face. As lame as it gets, it should be noted that there were many theatrical animal disaster flicks that are far less entertaining. Ultimately, any movie that features anything remotely resembling an L.D.G. FREAK-OUT deserves mucho attention!

• The little kid who falls into the ant infested dumpster
• The ants make a b-line to a sleeping SUZANNE SUMMER's dirty pillows
• The helicopter blows poisonous ants all over the crowd that has gathered to observe the rescue
• The greedy guy (GERALD GORDON) freaks out and tries to make a third story jump into the pool and …ouch, misses!

Shot as a T.V. pilot, THE NORLISS TAPES spends its first ten minutes establishing the back-story on troubled writer David Norliss (ROY THINNES) and what would have been the subsequent episodic structure for a series that was sadly never picked up. In a nutshell, droopy-eyed David goes missing before submitting the manuscript on his anticipated novel about the supernatural. His publisher pops over to his overly wood-paneled bachelor's pad to find Norliss, but instead finds a series of numbered cassette tapes that each contains a terrifying tale. As the publisher listens intently, the screen does that awesome ‘70s dissolve into the action transpiring on the tape and we are introduced to the recently widowed Ellen Cort (ANGIE DICKINSON) and her late husband, the sculptor James Cort, who is now a blue-faced zombie with an occupational interest in blood. Ellen hires David, an early day Fox Mulder, as a private investigator when her local sheriff (CLAUDE ATKINS) laughs off her claim that her dead husband seems to have a problem with staying buried. In the course of his investigation, Norliss interviews James' art world associates and meets the mysterious Mademoiselle Jeckiel (BLACULA's VONETTA McGEE) who eventually reveals that she commissioned James to posthumously sculpt a statue of the demon Sargoth in exchange for immortality. In order to complete the piece, zombie James needs human blood to mix with his clay, so a delightful string of murders are used the keep the action moving between the more tedious scenes of David playing armchair gumshoe. With no help from the stubborn sheriff, Norliss eventually cracks the case and brings James' artistic afterlife to a fiery end. The scene dissolves back to David's publisher who pops out the first tape, fires up a smoke, and loads the next cassette into the player. Produced and directed by DAN CURTIS (DARK SHADOWS, NIGHT STALKER, NIGHT STRANGLER), THE NORLISS TAPES provides a nice glimpse of what could have been undeniably interesting appointment television. Each week, a new tape would have brought a different tale perfect for the stable of ‘70s guest stars poached from LOVE AMERICAN STYLE. Although this never happened, the pilot for THE NORLISS TAPES still holds up as an excellent tease.

• Ellen's dead husband tosses around her German Sheppard like a Pound Puppy doll
• Hider zombie in the backseat of the young shop girl's car
• Ellen's scream-a-thon as she stumbles SCOOBY-DOO-chase-scene-style over the dead bodies in the underground passage
• The bloody ring of fire used to trap zombie James and Sargoth
• The zombie's greatest kills montage incorporated as a bonus in the closing credits

 

On October 31st, 1992 while American kiddies where storming suburban streets demanding their fair share of LEMONHEADS and MARY JANES, across the pond in the motherland little nippers were being funnel fed the fear of God thanks to a BBC broadcast that left some scrambling for psychiatric aid. GHOSTWATCH was a faux-reality specter hunt starring familiar television faces that, like ORSON WELLES' famous WAR OF THE WORLDS radio broadcast, blurred the line between reality and entertainment as it blurred the line between this world and the next. Viewers were brought along to observe the goings on in the household of one Pam Early who, along with her two young daughters, was experiencing poltergeist activity. Instead of the usual non-events that one would assume would take place on such a show, many were shocked to find themselves witness to extraordinary happenings. The presence in the house nicknamed "Pipes" by the girls, because of his penchant for banging on pipes, was cleverly inserted in various scenes where observant viewers might catch him for a fleeting second. Things go from creepy to alarming as it is discovered that the broadcast is working as a giant séance and effecting households all over England. Finally, even the studio that is hosting the show begins to experience the phenomena. Even knowing of the show's inauthenticity is small comfort for much like THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, it's the slow progressive mounting dread and the systematic worsening of circumstances that really gets under the skin. Having decided not to break the illusion of reality with breaks explaining the show's identity as simulation, police were flooded with panicked phone calls and some viewers were rumored to have committed suicide. At least two children were diagnosed or treated with post-traumatic stress disorder and the hoopla lead to a national ten-year ban. Contemporary cynical audiences may find all this hard to swallow but dozens of factors lead to the lightening strike of GHOSTWATCH that Halloween night. Sadly, I was in the States gorging myself with MALLOW CUPS and NECCO WAFERS.

 INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• Pipes by the bedroom curtain. (All of pipes' nearly subliminal appearances can be viewed HERE )
• Playing the audio tape of Pipes' voice
• Daughter Suzanne possessed by Pipes
• Reporter SARAH GREENE trapped in the "Glory Hole" while the cats howl and the transmission fails.
• Stalwart host MICHAEL PARKINSON succumbs to Pipes' will

After escaping from, yet before returning to, Witch Mountain, ‘70s onscreen siblings KIM RICHARDS and IKE EISENMANN took a detour from their usual Disney fare to star opposite RICHARD CRENNA, YVETTE MIMEUX, and the cutest, most satanic German shepherd to ever grace the made-for-tv-movie screen. Back story on the dog: ‘60's B-movie vamp MARTINE BESWICK along with two associates pay a visit to a puppy mill looking for a bitch in heat. Although hesitant to sell, the breeder eventually parts with his prized German shepherdess for $5,000. BESWICK and her crew chain the dog on a short leash in a barn with an inverted pentagram in the floor and burning candles everywhere which, if you really think about it, is the perfect setting for either a major fire or performing a black mass. The barn is used for the latter, and Satan is kind enough to send a canine demon to knock up the tethered shepherd. Meanwhile, somewhere across town, Mike and Betty Barry (CRENNA & MIMEUX) arrive home to find that their family dog has fallen prey to a hit-and-run accident. The death of the dog sours daughter Bonnie's (RICHARDS) 10th birthday party, and she decides to blow it off for a bike ride with her brother Charlie (EISENMANN). The two don't even make it out of the driveway before they are accosted by a creepy produce purveyor who, in addition to having a nice selection of greens, just happens to have a litter of possessed German shepherd pups in the back of his truck. Bonnie falls hard for a little scamp she names Lucky and, before long, the puppy with the glowing eyes unleashes its evil on the Barry household. Its first victim is the religious Mexican maid who is immolated when the sleeves of her housecoat brush up against the prayer candles she lights to ward off the dog. Next to go is the Great Dane from next door, followed shortly by his owner who turns up floating in his swimming pool. One by one, the Barry family members fall under the dog's spell: daughter Bonnie becomes a bitch, son Charlie stops at nothing to win the student council election, and Mom Betty becomes a total whore and is pretty flippant about the affair she has with her son's guidance counselor. The guidance counselor also has fatal run in with Lucky, and Mike finally puts two and two together about his family's transformation when he finds the dog hanging around the crime scene. It was either that or catching his wife and kids chanting in front of a spooky painting with the dog late at night in the attic, who's to say? Fresh from denial, Mike seeks advice from his local occult shop owner, unsuccessfully tries to shoot the dog at close range, and then jets off to South America for a pow-wow with a holy man who teaches him how to send the dog back to the hell from whence it came. Despite the dense amount of action packed into its 95 minute running time, DEVIL DOG falls short in the special effects department. After the laughable final showdown between Mike and Lucky, the family becomes un-possessed and son Charlie reminds all that there were at least nine other puppies in the litter.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• BESWICK's black mass barn buddies, especially the man in the mirrored sunglasses
• The poor maid, polyester and prayer candles do not mix!
• CRENNA is almost seduced by the blades of his lawn mower
• MIMEUX's quick change from Susie Homemaker to full-blown slut
• KIM RICHARDS Proactiv®-ready reflection in CRENNA's handheld mirror

Long before REBECCA De MORNAY's hand rocked any cradle, serpentine usurper extraordinaire STEPHANIE ZIMBALIST rocked the worlds of extreme overacting power duo WILLIAM SHATNER and PATTY DUKE. As the icy 18-year-old Joanna Redwine, ZIMBALIST elbows her way into the squabbling couple's homestead insuring its downfall, if not by her manipulations than by the termite like power of the couple's own competitive scenery chewing. Of course Joanna is a gift from God at first, taking daughter QUINN CUMMINGS under her wing and throwing about helpful bon mots, but before long, she's making goo-goo eyes at SHATNER and pushing PATTY towards the bottle. It doesn't take much convincing to get mom to put on her VALLEY OF THE DOLLS lampshade and soon she is slurring her words more than the elocutionary impaired QUINN. Dad is a harder nut to crack, but when he walks in on Joanna wearing his wife's lingerie he too starts to melt to her will. (In this 1980 TV movie's most bizarre break from reality, ASTIN and ZIMBALIST wear the same size). Thanks to JOHN HOUSEMAN's detective work, which mostly consists of calling people on the phone, Joanna's reign is short lived. With the discovery of her previous employers packaged in clear plastic, she is carted off to jail. The dysfunctional Benedict family is free to return to their previous existence but whether that is an improvement is this tales biggest mystery.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• Joanna gets a little over zealous while clubbing a fish
• After Joanna's canoodle buddy Scott's not so accidental death, QUINN comes in to console a crying Joanna only to discover she is laughing hysterically
• PATTY's final, furniture throwing breakdown
• ZIMBALIST wandering around her previous victims' home, and talking to the former occupants as if they were still alive
• Family perfectly preserved in plastic wrap on the master bed

How does one measure the traumatic effect of adrenaline-fueled anticipation followed by sheer unadulterated soul crushing disappointment? For the pint-sized nerds in training who were unfortunate enough to witness the lone broadcast of THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL the level of utter bewilderment it inspired created a life long scar and initiated them forever into the ranks of the walking wounded. Imagine the cruelty of discovering Lucas's fantastic universe only to watch it be savagely debased by LAND OF THE LOST level special effects and a DONNY AND MARIE SHOW level cavalcade of bottom feeder guest stars. I actually believe that this much bootlegged atrocity has the power to drive the viewer insane. It is a viscous slap in the face of all that is rational and is the equivalent of a pixelated k hole. Grotesque dance numbers that would have been rejected from SOLID GOLD are sandwiched between scenes of a Wookie family being terrorized by storm troopers and sub moronic HARVEY KORMAN sketches. If you are strong enough to make it to the finale that involves CARRIE FISHER singing to the original film's theme, you will be rewarded with a montage of footage from the classic film as a sort of nasty taunt of the world you've left behind. Some of this spaceship wreck is indeed hilarious, and modern viewers will find much to laugh at, but I guarantee you, that laugh will slowly die and be replaced by a growing fear that there is something very, very wrong in the universe.
INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• Unbearable dialogue-free opening consists of what seems like hours of nonsensical Wookie speak that sounds like a donkey being beaten to death by a 2×4
• Grandpa Itchy's holiday gift entails virtual DIANE CARROL porn
• Crazy-making miniature Cirque de Soliel dance number
• Imperial guard can't resist tapping his fingers to JEFFERSON STARSHIP
• BEA ARTHUR is cruised by HARVEY KORMAN at Mos Eisley Cantina and delivers a song that clears the house.
• BEA reveals a clandestine relationship with an alien; "Short memory eh Thorpe?…SHORT MEMORY!" (Understandably, Thorpe appears to have blocked this drunken indiscretion from his mind).

After braining her husband Joseph Christmas Eve with a fireplace poker, Elizabeth (MARY ELLEN TRAINOR) shoos her Santa-obsessed daughter Carrie Ann off to bed, and sets out to dispose of his body in a snow-covered well. While struggling with the hubby's corpse, Elizabeth encounters an axe-wielding, insane asylum escapee (LARRY DRAKE of DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW fame) dressed in full Santa Claus regalia. With a swift kick to his holiday package, Elizabeth successfully fends off the lunatic, and a suspenseful cat-and-mouse game of naughty-versus-not-so-nice proportions ensues. Directed by ROBERT ZEMECKIS (the then-husband of Ms. TRAINOR), this half-hour episode of the late ‘80s HBO horror staple is a remake of the JOAN COLLINS vignette featured in the 1972 flick TALES FROM THE CRYPT. Although COLLINS leaves some pretty big pumps to fill, TRAINOR earns a well-deserved spot on Santa's shitlist.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• Elizabeth gives her husband the poker
• Insane Santa climbing the ladder to Carrie Ann's window
• The Crypt Keeper dressed as Saint Nick (in a word, adorable!)

For anyone who has ever stayed up late watching a supernatural reenactment show like A HAUNTING or UNSOLVED MYSTERIES and found themselves with an unshakable sense of the creeps, This 1991 television movie may be just for you. Unavailable on VHS or DVD, it has never the less acquired a following thanks to repeated showings on the SCIFI network over the years. SALLY KIRKLAND plays Pennsylvania house wife Janet Smurl, a woman whose family is overtaken by malevolent spirits. With little by the way of special effects or money-shots, this straightforward slice of alleged reality gets under the skin in a way most of its big-budgeted haunted house brethren could only dream of. Taking place over several years and involving not only the family but their neighbors, church, and the media at large, it presents the ghostly manifestations as something exhaustingly relentless in a way that the old "one lone night in a mansion of strangers" never could. KIRKLAND, with her downplayed narration and histrionic free performance, warrants actual sympathy and it's almost impossible for the viewer not to imagine what they would do under similar circumstances. Whether you believe in things that go bump in the night or wonder if the Smurls were bumped in the head, this tale is real "keep the lights on" material.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S)

• Dad is raped by face changing succubus
• Voices in the pillow
• AMITYVILLE HORROR rejects Ed and Loraine Warren investigate and discover creepy looking pilgrim ghosts
• The strange amorphous shadow that travels through the duplex wall and upsets poor granny
• The crazy shape crashes the camping trip while the vacant house goes bananas disrupting the neighborhood with shrieks and groans
• Hey! It's that amulet toting "Bitch" ASHLEY BANK from MONSTER SQUAD! Someone's cruising for a honorary traumatot award!