Category: Trauma Au Courant

I really love to travel especially when it involves not leaving my house. Norway, you are my new favorite place to visit through my T.V. , from my couch, covered in multiple blankets and adopted strays. Since I'm still experiencing a residual high after my duel satisfying experiences encountering COLD PREYs 1&2, I thought it was just about time to take a shot of that other Norwegian horror flick that I've been hearing so much about, DEAD SNOW. You know, the one with the Nazi zombies.

Now, if you think your Unkle Lancifer will just roll over for any movie that takes place in the snow involving Nazi zombies regardless of how well made it is then all I can say is thanks for paying attention and I'm so happy that you know who I am and what I'm about as a person. You officially know me better than most of my so-called friends. Honesty is not usually my forte, but I have no problem admitting that this movie's job seducing me was half done the moment it was put into the can.

As luck would have it, I don't have to feel to guilty for having a predetermined affection for DEAD SNOW. Its lighthearted, cartoonish fun, and it wears its admiration of all things EVIL DEAD right on its thermal sleeve. Still, DEAD SNOW is not without its yellow patches; its wafer thin characters and fuzzy logic keep it miles away from being as compelling as it could have been. Blame the script or lackadaisical casting but if I can only identify a character by what they are wearing or how long their hair is there's a problem. Not that they grow on trees but a BRUCE CAMPBELL or a INGRID BOLSO BERDAL would have made a gargantuan difference.

Having typed that, there is something to be said for a film that delivers the gore goods and action set pieces and doesn't tax emotionally. It may end up being drive-thru disposable but at least if you watch it with others, you'll never have to tell them to shut up during the important parts. I could have done without the dusty, eye-rolling "suiting up with kick ass weapons" montage but the fourteen-year-old ‘80s kid sitting behind the steering wheel in my brain deigned a scene with a head being ripped in two by hand notably rewind worthy. (I was equally heart-eyed over a bit that finds a guy hanging over a cliff by an intestine.)

DEAD SNOW is a visual stunner and a overall good time that could have been even better if there was even the slightest attempt at depth or characterization. Frankly, for all its splatter-ific glory, the scene that left me most disturbed involved two people having sex in an outhouse while one is actually sitting down on the toilet (!) Call me a prude, but THAT my kinderpals is just disgusting.

What would happen if you made a movie that was a ransom/heist comedy for an hour and then became a gory slasher movie for the last half hour? If you ask me, then you have just made a movie that is really boring for an hour and then only becomes good for the last half hour. Folks, have I ever introduced you to my friend THE COTTAGE? Yea, he's not funny or interesting unless he's in the mood and it takes him forever to get in the mood and then as soon as he gets in the mood he has to split. Sounds like a real blast right? It's not that I only have love for slasher movies; I love all kinds of movies with the absolute exception of any movie that involves a heist gone wrong (DOG DAY AFTERNOON being of course, the exception to the rule.) I don't care about your bag of money and I don't care that your bag of money is full of tissues and not money. Maybe these movies appeal to those who spend their days daydreaming about stealing bags of money. My private fantasies would probably be better served by watching 2012.

The sad thing is, if you watch the deleted scenes on the DVD you come to the exasperating conclusion that once upon a time they had a whole movie here until somebody decided that the action should start at precisely the same moment people are walking out of the theater or reaching for the remote. Don't be thinking that poor Unk does not get British humor and therefore this one flew over his head either, because that's all kinds of wrong. Unk put the "feel ya" in Anglophilia and shoots Bovril out of his nostrils for everything from BENNY HILL to SEVERANCE (and is currently in love with PULLING.) I think FRENCH AND SAUNDERS impersonating BANANARAMA is the height of comedy so that ain't it. This one just really missed my funny bone by a country mile. I guess I don't even care if your bag of money has pounds in it.

If it seems I'm being a bit rough with THE COTTAGE it is only because when it makes an effort it really works. That last half hour is a GOOD movie. The gory slapstick comedy IS amusing and there is actual tension and you care when certain characters are off-ed. I guess what I'm feeling is the frustration of knowing that they had what it took and decided to be coy and stingy with it for as long as humanly possible. It's sort of like when you break up with somebody and then they go out of their way to be the exact person you were begging them to be the whole time you were going out with them. It's too MUCH rather than too little too late and now I just want THE COTTAGE like any and all exes, to walk into the nearest open manhole.

I may try this one again in the future, it may be a less aggravating experience if I go into it with the knowledge that I'm not going to be completely rebuffed by film's end. In fact, now that I think of it there's nothing stopping me from cutting away the fat and starting the flick an hour in. That kidnapping gone awry crap might be ace nail filing time but there are moments in THE COTTAGE that really do impress. As a whole it doesn't really work but it does showcase the creepiest yellow kitchen I have ever seen in my life, not exactly your money's worth but not a bag full of tissues either.

Remember not too long ago when I was singing the praises of an ice pick sharp Norwegian slasher flick entitled COLD PREY (FRITT VILT)? No? Well, trust me it was all gushing and cartoon hearts floating about. I adore COLD PREY, on the day that it was born the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true. Recently I got a chance to see its sequel COLD PREY 2: RESURRECTION and let me tell ya' friends, unlike some horror series that let ya' down on the second date, this one shows up on time, looks you in the eye and says everything you want to hear. I'm putting a ring on it.

Writer of both films THOMAS MOLDESTAD has done some serious homework; he not only shows off his knowledge of the best horror dance moves but equally impresses with his crystal clear understanding of the ones to avoid. Some of y'all may require a bit more originality in a films structure, but personally I get an incredible thrill watching a movie of this kind touching all the familiar bases and then sliding smoothly into home. COLD PREY 2 is exactly what a horror movie sequel should strive to be. It moves the first film forward without stepping on its toes and it never lets you see it sweat.

Taking place immediately after the events in the first film, CP2 finds our lone survivor whisked to the nearest ominously dark understaffed hospital ala 1981's HALLOWEEN II (Anybody who was praying for a ROB ZOMBIE-free HALLOWEEN II remake, shut uppa ya' face, your wish has been granted.) Shelve any concerns that the HALLOWEEN II template is, in this day and age, broth thin, to thicken the stock, a hearty action oriented ALIENS component has been thrown into the mix as well. (Just try not to think of SIGGY WEAVER as our heroine Jannicke (INGRID BOLSO BERDAL) tries in vain to explain the quickly approaching pain.) In other words we now have a chance to see what would have taken place if, rather than being drugged out of her mind, Laurie Strode showed up at Haddonfield Hospital burning like the phoenix she became in H20, seriously , where are my smelling salts?

If this all sounds absurdly derivative to you, it kind of is: but it just happens to be derivative of everything that floats my boat. Some mysterious force in the universe chose to smoosh together nearly every cinematic element that I hold dear and then went that extra step and sprinkled snow all over the top; I thank that force on my knees. I want COLD PREY posters, T-shirts, action figures and cereal. Frosted COLD PREY cereal sounds delicious as hell, and yes I'm going to dig for the toy pick-axe prize inside as soon as I open the box!

As technically impressive as CP2's direction is (besides providing well-staged action and shocks, director MATS STENBERG has also created a nearly seamless counterpart to the original, taking place hours after and filmed nearly two years later) and as knowing and as crisp as the script may be, it would all be for naught without the participation of actress BERDAL. I can't think of many (or really any) modern genre heroines that I would place in the same esteem as my boos Strode and Ripley, but Jannicke really has what it takes to walk along side those iconic figures. I wouldn't say that about just anyone, BERDEL owns, she Daddy Warbucks owns!

I don't want to oversell this flick too much. The more you like the other films I mentioned the more you're likely to dig this. The wheel may remain un-reinvented but frankly, I don't want a new wheel, I just want the one that I know and love to spin good…COLD PREY 2 spins good. By keeping things simple and direct, learning from past sequel mistakes and presenting a truly compelling heroine, CP2 has created, in my opinion, the best on-going modern horror series that I'm aware of, plus like I said, it's got snow.

A baby stumbles in on his parents having sex and then does exactly what I would do in the same situation and discretely walks out a third story window plummeting to his death. Mom or "she" (CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG) is overcome with grief and the type of guilt that only comes from having an orgasm while your child is splattering against a sidewalk. Dad or "he" (WILLEM DAFOE), possibly the second worst therapist in the world, finds out that the couple's cabin in the woods is the exact last place in the universe his wife would like to be during this difficult time of mourning and then takes her there. Once in the woods, Mother Nature herself sends not so subtle messages to the couple that they should both drop dead. Finally mom decides to speed up the therapy by hitting the problem at its source by mangling both her and her husband's naughty zones. The end.

Does anybody know a way I can un-see ANTICHRIST? Is hypnotism a viable option or should I just throw it into the "don't go there" room in my head alongside that tortuously overplayed news footage of a baby carriage rolling in front of a train and the last season of ROSEANNE? What was I thinking? Take it from me kids, if you are inclined towards depressive thoughts or are currently grieving the loss of a loved one, you need to stay the hell away from this super bad mojo. This is LARS VON TRIER's take on horror and it's not "Yikes, there's a ghost!" horror; it's "Yikes, I need to go back on Paxil!" horror.

I know what you are thinking, LARS VON TRIER…caveat emptor, but usually the stuff that people find offensively sadistic in his films rolls right off my back because it appeals to my gargantuan persecution/martyr complex. I mean anyone who has worked in retail can relate to DOGVILLE, right? LARS gave me the super whammy this time though, didn't see it coming. Ugh, I feel like I just sat through WILLIAM STYRON's BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. When the hell is that new SANDRA BULLOCK movie coming out anyway? I need to see that NOW.

ANTICHRIST may be getting a bunch of flack for its graphic scenes of genital mutilation but whatever, that stuff doesn't really bother me as long as my junk is still intact. What I have trouble dealing with is footage of a baby bird covered with devouring ants and the oppressive sense that life is a never ending meaningless deathgasm. Don't think you can shelter yourself from the cruelty of existence within the warmth of a human relationship either, not on LARS' watch! Love is merely a front for a savage, to the death, wrestling match where both parties gnaw each other raw and silent animosity is the closest thing to a time out. Only bring a date to this movie if you never want to see that person again.

I gotta hand it to this guy, inspired by his own journey into the emotional dark lands, LARS decided to just throw it all up there on the screen completely unpoliced and unapologetic as a form of therapy. It might not all make rational sense but there is an elemental nightmare quality that just can't be argued with. Critiquing this film is like telling a mentally ill person that they should read CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL. Even the film's most graceless goofy missteps feel like accurate depictions of full on dementia. Talking animals are hilarious unless you are the Son of Sam. Several times I was brought back to my viewing of MULHOLLAND DRIVE. Do you know the part where the tiny miniature people appear? That part cracked up the entire theater I was in. Meanwhile I was completely mortified and trying to keep my wee little head from exploding.

LARSY is famous for his issues with woman and it's not hard to see why. Personally I can't fault a guy who is aware of his baggage and battles his anxieties head on. It's not pretty but as far as accused misogyny goes I find his work easier to digest than say, WARRANT's "Cherry Pie" video. In fact, I have to say, the male character, to me, in ANTICHRIST comes off as the real instigator of woe. (Even if you hate this movie, and you probably should, the acting of both DAFOE and GAINSBOURG is fearless and phenomenal.) Sure, she looks like the bad guy ‘cuz she drills a hole in his leg and fastens a millstone to it when he's unconscious (due to having his cojones whacked by a wooden plank); but hey, he started this ITCHY & SCRATCHY show by trying to suppress her natural feelings and grilling her to find her weaknesses so he could shove her nose in them. I say don't cry about your bee stings buddy if you've spent all your free time throwing rocks at the hive!

Whether ANTICHRIST is pure genius or pure bile probably depends on your own level of familiarity with coo-coo town, the well adjusted need not apply. Whether LARS is trying to beleaguer his audience or is completely oblivious of them I have no idea. There is astonishing beauty to be found here ,but it's an overall miserable experience. Like depression itself there are many jewels to be found along the path but you will never want to tread this way again. SANDY BULLOCK, slow down, wait up, I miss you!

After the phenomenal success of JOHN CARPENTER's HALLOWEEN in 1978 horror movies began to fall from the sky. Eventually FRIDAY THE 13TH was released in 1980 and steered nearly all of the wannabes into a specific bloody direction, however there was a small bubble of time before FRIDAY (call it Thursday) where filmmakers scrambled to create something new and modern but still had one foot planted in traditional horror constructs. SILENT SCREAM, THE UNSEEN, and FUNERAL HOME are all post-HALLOWEEN fare that (sometimes to their detriment) relied more on mood and creepy characters than gore.

Gothic mansions, hidden family secrets or the simple device of having a young woman in the house alone was chilling enough for this crew and, in some instances, audiences yet to develop a hankering for carnage agreed. These are the horror movies you often hear referred to now as "boring" (let me throw later films 1982's UNHINGED and 1981's MADHOUSE into that pile as well), but for me they have always hit a quiet nerve. Cribbing just as much from PSYCHO as HALLOWEEN they all tend to share a mistrust of older generations and antiquated ways and fittingly end up as stylistic clashes between "modern" and "classic" horror as well. Too gruesome to appeal to one group, too restrained to appeal to the other, these chillers tend to fall through the cracks.

THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL, which takes place in the early eighties, successfully captures the mood and pace of horror films of that time to a tee. In fact, any and all criticisms against it can just as easily be labeled as further proof of its accuracy. Heck, even its few time period slips (did I hear a car alarm?) seem like the type of harmless flub you'd expect to find in a low budget film of that era. I have a feeling that many modern viewers are going to have a hard time with this one, but as for myself, I have to admit to loving every minute. It's front heavy with loads of set-up, its core consists of a girl meandering around a mansion giving herself the creeps (frankly I could have watched a two hour documentary on the incredible house this was filmed in alone) and it's hard earned climax feels like a hit and run, but what can I say, I ate it up.

I liked how director TI WEST's previous effort THE ROOST lovingly wore its horror fandom on its sleeve, but it ultimately left me cold and unconvinced, with THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL though, there's just too much glorious atmosphere and too many interesting performances to ignore. Maybe I'm a glutton for nostalgia but the only thing I found missing was a personal dedication to myself in the closing credits admitting that the entire concept and all the casting choices were stolen from my dream journal.

Relative new comers JOCELIN DONAHUE and GRETA GERWIG are perfectly cast as pretty, but still from this planet, screamers, DEE WALLACE is the landlady I've dreamt of all my life, and TOM NOONAN and MARY WORONOV are simply, can't take your eyes off them, arresting in every way. Really just seeing those latter two in the same room together was worth the $9.99 I spent watching this on pay-per-view. Again this movie is not for everyone (I know Aunt John was put off by the abrupt close), but if you are the type who has painstakingly tried to watch every film made in the time period this is set in, it's pretty much like discovering an old VHS tape that had fallen between the shelves at your local mom and pop video store. It may not have the power to recruit new followers for this type of film, but die hard eighties horror buffs should consider THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL a genuine blast from the past.

2003's WRONG TURN may have not set the world on fire, but for many horror fans it was a welcome return to grittier, gorier terrain after years of clean cut thrills. Mere months after it exited theaters, the TEXAS CHAINSAW reboot would sweep in to gather all the glory, but for those fortunate enough to catch it during its poorly advertised run, WRONG TURN was the first sign that the hills were no longer alive with the sound of muzak. Home video caught stragglers up to speed and by the time WRONG TURN 2: DEAD END was delivered in 2007, a welcoming audience was waiting for a second course.

What horror fans could not possibly be prepared for was the fact that WT2, a straight to DVD venture starring HENRY ROLLINS and involving a phony reality show was (holy crap) actually pretty awesome. Whatever drop in quality there may have been from the first film was made up for with shear ingenuity, buckets of blood and a too rare awareness of what makes a horror film fun. Suddenly from a theatrical film that barely made a dent, it looked like a worthwhile series could be forming…

Well, there's a bit of a roadblock now in the WRONG TURN franchise and it's called WRONG TURN 3: LEFT FOR DEAD. Unless it was solely created to point out just how rare a treat PART 2 was, PART 3 of WRONG TURN fails wildly. After a lively opening scene that had me wishing that those handling the reigns of the FRIDAY THE 13TH franchise were watching and taking notes, it's pretty much a downhill downer whose mantra seems to be, "Less, less, less!" Let me tell ya' something DECLAN O'BRIEN, director of WRONG TURN 3, if you can't keep yours truly's attention with a bus load of burly escaped convicts then there's more than one mentally handicapped mutant in them there woods (the other would be you). Geez, if I have to see another movie where constant bickering and bellyaching passes as dialogue, I'm going to throw my television set out the window. What am I watching here, THIRTYSOMETHING? (Actually Hope and Michael Steadman could have beat the crap all of the "hardened" criminals featured in WT3)

Whatever your fears may be of renting a direct to DVD sequel, they are all fully realized here. The writing is snorable, the acting is mostly horrible (main guys TOM FREDERIC & TOM McKAY are decent enough even when forced to deliver a regrettable epilogue) and the special effects, which a film like this could have ridden on, look outlandishly amateurish and hobbled by CGI. Most mind blowing of all is a reliance on what looks like ancient blue screen for almost all of the shots involving a moving vehicle. Seriously I haven't seen anything this bad since Granny rode on top of the car in THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES.

This could be a worthwhile rental if you are looking for something to rip to shreds with your friends and have a desire to throw emptied beer cans at the screen but, as a follow-up to the first two films, it's a bit of an embarrassment and a definite wrong turn in an otherwise promising series. Poor "Three Fingers," you deserve more!

I love horror movies! That's why when I went to the movies this past Friday I skipped past the theater marquee that read THE STEPFATHER and planted my Sour Patch Kid chompin' ass down to see WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE in the theater next door! I might have given THE STEPFATHER a chance except for the fact that I accidentally brought a gun with me and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to resist blowing my brains out as soon as the movie started. Also, I'm sure everyone is familiar with my motto, "Never judge a movie until you've seen it…unless the director of that movie is the guy responsible for the remake of PROM NIGHT." Besides WILD THINGS looked like tons of fuzzy fun and, at least once a year, I like to feel happiness.

Did I get my fun? Yep, but I also got this super moving experience I won't soon forget. How's come this movie that stars a bunch of monsters seems to deliver more human emotion than most non-monster starring movies I know? I sure hope my fellow moviegoers saw me blowing my nose into my hoodie sleeve when the credits were rolling because that is my new way of saying giant thumbs up!

You can probably tell from the trailer that, thankfully, WILD THINGS was not turned into a homogenized hand holder that teaches you to be all in love with yourself and that winning is about believing and that dreaming is about winning and hooray for you because you win! Strangely it's not even all, "Hey, you're really ugly, but that makes you different and the world would be really boring if everyone was good looking, so thanks for not boring us ugly"!

WILD THINGS is not only unafraid to accurately depict the troubling and confusing loneliness that sometimes invades childhood, but also the complicated idiosyncratic nature of human (and monster) relationships that causes that loneliness. Really, doesn't it just suck that needing somebody is exactly the type of thing that will make you act up (go wild) and scare that somebody away? WILD THINGS also had me asking myself the most important life question of all: "Why can't CATHERINE O'HARA star in everything?"

Whoever's idea it was to hire SPIKE JONZE to direct this movie needs to wear a gold crown on their head. Here is a place we have never gone before and the creatures, a combination of practical effects with a light gloss of CGI, come off as superbly convincing. The voice work is nearly too good be true with the likes of my hero LAUREN AMBROSE, super stud FOREST WHITAKER and snuggle bunny JAMES GANDOLFINI lending tonsil. MAX RECORDS, as Max, gets a "You're not annoying" sticker and don't get me started on the mom I'd never run away from…CATHERINE KEENER.

Some folks might be off put by the movie's mellow drifty attitude, but I found it kind of relief not to be yanked around from scene to scene by the lapels. There is so much texture and detail here that future visits are unavoidable. If you are too poor to afford a down comforter, go see this movie instead. It's basically the same thing.

Q: Will kids be entertained?

A: Only the ones worth keeping.

Parents, heed my word, take all your children to see this and the ones that don't like it or fall asleep, just leave in the theater; you don't want those ones. I'm so keen on this flick I'm even going to throw out a Bloody Disgusting inspired blurb! "It's the hairiest movie of all time!"

I gotta go now, MUMMY 3 (TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR) is on HBO and they just called forth the Yeti!

I had no desire to see the remake of THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT; the whole concept kind of skeeved me out. Unlike the other slasher re-dos, this didn't exactly seem like a fun flick that fans could all go hand in hand to and share warm nostalgic feelings about. The original is a definite product of its time and, for the most part, a grueling experience (and no WES CRAVEN, the bungling cop comic relief does little to help). Watching a gritty extended rape enacted by a bunch of out of shape hippies is one thing, but watching a glossy remix staring a bunch of would-be fashion models just seemed so very wrong. I'm sorry, maybe I'm old fashioned but I prefer my cinematic rapists to be comfortably fugly and their victims to be…you know, NED BEATTY. That said, a pal told me LAST HOUSE 2009 was pretty good and so I eventually watched it and I gotta say my pal was right.

Turns out LAST HOUSE is the perfect movie to remake because there is so much room for improvement and enough time has passed that the original's flaws are pretty glaring. The new version makes a lot more sense and thankfully gives its characters not only more depth but also a much appreciated fighting chance. SARA PAXTON who plays Mari Collingwood, the young victim, gives a brave performance and her nail biting escape attempt comes off as heroic as hell. She doesn't fare as well as one would hope, but that doesn't make the attempt any less moving or courageous. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 6's TONY GOLDWYN and MONICA (man, I can't believe she's old enough to play a mom now-but I checked, she is) POTTER hold equally strong ground as the sympathetic avenging parents. Nobody in the world can replace horror icon DAVID HESS as sicko Krug, but GARRET DILLAHUNT gets a passing grade by me. He may be way too soap opera buff, but he still manages to convincingly convey menace (some thanks go to his weird death skull beard ). Really, as far as the cast goes there's not a weak link in the bunch.

This is a consistently tense movie; it's rewarding though after you get past the harrowing rape scene (which for a mainstream film is pretty disturbing). The Collingwoods are easy to route for, they've already suffered the loss of a son and they serve hot chocolate to strangers; naturally it's a blast to watch them kick some much deserving scumbag ass. Rather than take the easy route of being an empty exercise in revenge though. LAST makes attempts (mostly through Krug's son) to convey that what we're really talking about here is the value of a nurturing family. A hand does get shredded in the garbage disposal, but the idea of who is right or wrong is never the least bit foggy. After watching the technically inept OFFSPRING and the visual non splendor of a certain found camera footage movie, I found it a relief to experience a film where somebody knew how to set up a suspense scene and the cinematography took more than a moment of human thought. This is effective stuff and the atmosphere, once the homestead is hit by a well timed rainstorm, is perfect for late night viewing with the lights off. In the end I was reminded more of SCORSESE's CAPE FEAR than the original shocker this was based on. There is one tiny little problem though…

This movie has the worst ending ever, the dumbest, most out of place, tacked on ending in the world. At first I thought I'd just ignore it and pretend it didn't happen, but I've decided to embrace it. It may destroy in one instance the respect the film worked so very hard to gain, but it's also, when you think about it, pretty damn funny.