Category: Trauma Au Courant

Really? That's it? That's PARANORMAL ACTIVITY? I'm not a hard guy to scare. I've gotten the creeps watching A HAUNTING on A&E in the middle of the day. I jump when the phone rings, my doorbell jolts me like electroshock therapy, I have bad dreams about kittens and I can't stomach the nightly news. THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT actually did freak me out. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY? Nothing …nada. I'm not trying to be contrary. I didn't go in the theater with a chip on my shoulder; I tried very hard to get into this movie. I left my expectations at the door and I imagined it was all happening to me (something that usually works) and still I felt zero fear. What the heck is supposed to be scary in this movie? A blanket falling off the bed? C'mon…really?

Maybe it's me. Maybe because sleepwalking, hours of lost time, unexplained bite marks and crouching in fear from unseen malevolent forces are such huge parts of my day to day existence that they just don't freak me out as much as they should on film. I wanted to be scared, I did. I hate people who say they don't get scared! Still, I don't get this movie! How is it that this movie struck a nerve with some people? To me it's just a story about some garden-variety schlub who's scared of the baggage (i.e. emotional needs) that comes with the gal he just shacked up with. Yea, a Ouji board catches on fire, but the scariest thing in this movie to me was the book on demons that he leafs through. I get subtle horror people, I do; I swear. I don't need slimy monsters and decapitations. Ugh, maybe I just hated the way the couple depicted decorated thier home. Was she having a crafty beading party at one point? I hate this couple. I think they cut in front of me at the concession stand before the movie and asked for unsalted popcorn.

Oh well, to each his own. I don't feel ripped off or anything. I don't feel tricked by the brilliantly creative advertising campaign. I just feel like I got a lap dance from someone that everybody but me is turned on by (wouldn't be the first time). If you find this movie scary, all I can say is I am sooooo jealous of you. I want to be you right now. I want to sleep with the lights on tonight. I want to double bolt my door and watch SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH until I'm relaxed and stable again. Maybe I should put on [REC] or WOLF CREEK to get to that place. I know, I'll watch THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT! If only I could get this damn SINEAD O'CONNOR TUNE out of my head…

Put on your shoes now and go see ZOMBIELAND. I'm not kidding, just stop reading this and go… leave! I'm not kidding Elizabeth…Shoo! ZOMBIELAND is ten tons of awesome, laugh out loud funny and the best road movie of the ….well since GEENA DAVIS humped BRAD PITT! You can probably tell from the film's trailer that there is plenty of splatterific yumminess to be enjoyed, but even though it delivers on that level ZOMBIELAND delivers so much more. In fact, if you must know the whole zombie thing, as well done and gratifying as it is, has little to do with why my heart is all a tingle for this movie; the characters and their interactions are gold. Even if the world had not gone to hell in an undead hand basket, I would love to watch a movie about these folks just hanging out and shooting the breeze.

WOODY HARRELSON has finally justified my love. I always dug his, "Do I have a harelip?" mug but this is easily his best performance since (another great road movie) NATURAL BORN KILLERS. JESSE EISENBERG, who just finished getting on my nerves in ADVENTURELAND, has now actually found a role that suits his persnickety jitter-boy persona to a tea and makes ya' seriously route for the guy. EMMA STONE, the smokey voiced hottie from SUPERBAD, makes me wish I was young and straight again and ABIGAIL BRESLIN, who I'm still a bit dubious of, at least cracked me the hell up with a throw away line where she tries to explain what the deal is with HANNAH MONTANA.

Go for the action, the gore and the laughs, but stay to bask in the love. This movie has such a Zen handle on what's important in life, our relationships to one another and the smaller things like Twinkies, rollercoasters and all things GHOSTBUSTERS (Oh man, I wanna tell ya about something SO GREAT in this movie, but I'd rather die then ruin the surprise) that to see it in a crowded theater may just renew your faith in humanity. My experience was so damn rejuvenating that I wanted to just hand out my email to everyone else in the theater that saw it with me and promise to keep in touch.

Ya know what? We already live in ZOMBIELAND folks and hopefully we all know two or three people that we can count on in a crisis and share some good times with. This movie is so much more than splat-falls; it understands the joyride aspect of the zombie film, the fact that part of the appeal is dancing on our culture's grave. Call me a romantic, but if every other guy on the planet has to drop dead for the nerd to get the cool chick, I can only say "Awwww!"

Most of all though, ZOMBIELAND is fun with a capital "Z", so why are you still reading this? Go'on and get!

PANDORUM or as I like to call it DESCENT HORIZON, may follow the adage, "Good artists borrow, great artists steal" but as helmed by German director CHRISTIAN ALVART (ANTIBODIES) it is wise enough to know exactly who from and how much to pilfer while still retaining its own identity. In some instances it even outclasses much of the genre pool it scrounges from. I know that the trailer and T.V. spots probably have you thinking that you've seen this all before, and to be honest that assumption is half right, but the end result here is a solid piece of horror sci-fi whose puzzle pieces actually fit together reasonably well by film's end. Yes, I actually understood what was happening in this one!

To be honest I wasn't too crazy about the RUN SPORTY SPICE RUN chick or the "I'm going to edit this with a Cuisinart!" approach to the fight sequences, but those bitty matters of personal taste were not enough to spoil the film for me. I understand that a few bones must be thrown to the video gamers in the audience. The opening and closing of the film, which deals with the tried and true metallic haunted house "Space makes you go bonkers" approach really worked for me and didn't come off as vague and allusive as it usually does. Again, it all somehow made sense to me, which I'm very happy about because honestly parts of EVENT HORIZON just fly right over my head!

Now that we know how slow I am let's hear it for BEN FOSTER! Are you telling me this guy was really my pal Claire's B.F. in SIX FEET UNDER? BEN FOSTER is great in this movie! What a refreshing change from the usual stack of newspapers I'm asked to follow around in a movie. So this year we had SAM ROCKWELL in MOON, that SHARLTO COPELY guy in DISTRICT 9 and now BEN FOSTER in this. It's kind of ironic that as horror casts become more and more glammy the sci-fi club is casting actual human looking types. Good on you PANDORUM, and an extra tip of the hat for not inviting any robots to the party.

There may be some draggy parts in the middle, but overall I really enjoyed the consistent claustrophobic mood and the way information was dispensed via flashback and an excellent sequence surrounding some primitive wall drawings. Plus, there was a kid cannibal monster creature that really was genuinely freaky and disturbing. This time of year is usually time to dump the garbage out but PANDORUM, like recent box office disappointments SORORITY ROW and JENNIFER'S BODY, is better than you probably think. I actually left the theater with my mind going all over the place envisioning what might happen next; now isn't that the mark of good sci-fi?

I've been trying to stay up to date on all the new genre offerings recently and so far it has been a breeze. Today though, I walked to the theater with a heavy gallows step, for I had signed up for JENNFER'S BODY. On a personal level, both MEGAN FOX and DIABLO CODY have been so repeatedly and unwantedly jammed into my consciousness that this excursion was more like going to a police line up to identify my two rapists ("Officer, it was the one with the LOUISE BROOKS bob and the theoretically sexy one that was created in a lab to replace ANJELINA JOLIE when she gets too old or goes bonkers…sob!") I'll be first to admit my preexisting prejudices against the film were legion and had to be fought off like a swarm of invisible Amityville houseflies.

Surprisingly though, I didn't hate it! The trick is to not think of it as a horror film because the horror elements are really just decorative. This is more of a black comedy like HEATHERS with a bit of THE CRAFT thrown in, so if your expectation is to be scared or thrilled you will be left high and dry. If you are like the lone old creepy man in the trench coat sitting three rows in back of me expecting titillation of some sort, well you too will be riding a bummer train. Actually if you have to resort to watching this movie for spank bank material you are not only a sad individual, but you are also not even reading this because you don't have the Internet.

Think my writing is annoying? You should get a load of the dialogue in this film, it needs to be weeded the hell back! Smaller doses DIABLO! Man, for every semi-quotable mild chuckle inducer you have two dozen quips that would have been excised in an early draft of a GILMORE GIRLS script. You heard me, the great legacy of the G.G.'s is that cutesy wordplay and rapid banter is no longer refreshing or hip, but rather as cringe worthy and embarrassing (cringebarrassing to you CODY!) as a RACHAEL'S WEDDING toast. (Notice that random obtuse throwaway pop culture references are still hot!)

So why did I kind of like this crap? You know what, at its heart, the story is really a classic tale of a power struggle within a friendship. You got your aggressive out going gal Jennifer (FOX) and your unassuming level-headed (read: wears glasses) gal Anita aka "Needy" (AMANDA SEYFRIED). They have a real connection, almost share each other's thoughts, and then things change as they often do in life. Jennifer's succubus demon possession is just an excuse for her to get a little more outlandish in the bitch department. In fact, before anything supernatural takes place, she's already trampling all over Needy and it seems their showdown was inevitable regardless.

As is usual with these yin vs. yang thrillers, there is a borderline romantic quality to the war with both parties coveting and admiring traits in the other. It's not too much of a stretch to imagine that these stories are so universal because such a battle between higher and lower impulses takes place within all of us. (For the dude version check out the forgotten BAD INFLUENCE with ROB LOWE as the dark side of the coin and JAMES SPADER playing against type as a non-scumbag.) What I'm saying is that beneath the heavy handed slang porridge and beneath the awful stretchy mouth C.G.I. shit is a rather compelling story about competition among two friends, one of whom just happens to be deriving power from each guy she renders "hopeless." Although we have a female writer and a female director, the drama is certainly not gender specific, just check out any gym or bar at last call.

So don't expect a horror movie kids and you won't have to go to bed on a tear-stained pillow. There's a great scene where a bunch of woodland creatures show up to be an audience for a kill; cameos are stellar with AMY SEDARIS, CYNTHIA STEVENSON and J.K. SIMMONS; and if nothing else today is the day that I figured out that ADAM BRODY and COLIN HANKS are actually two different people; that's not a such a bad time at the movies! The rub is JENNIFER'S BODY is certainly annoying, but it doesn't totally Succubus! (How's that for clever wordplay DIABLO?)

ALSO: I loved this song in the movie…

SORORITY ROW has been jerking me back and forth for over a year now and not in a good way. When I found out there was to be a remake of THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW I was duly excited, it's a slasher film with a unique, worthy plot and a psycho killer with bucket loads of untapped potential. When I learned it was to be one of those "in name only" dealies with little in common with its source material, out went the wind from my sails. Next up I learned that the director was to be WHISPER's STEWART HENDLER and I allowed myself the luxury of hope once again. That hope was quickly squashed by the news that an escapee from THE HILLS was to be in the cast. And so it went back and forth and back again, the trailer looked cool, the poster looked lame, the pimped out tire iron was awesome, the hooded killer uninspired. C'mon SORORITY ROW make up your mind are you gonna suck or what? There was only one way to find out what SORORITY's intentions were. I was gonna have to shell out some cash and sit my ass down in the theater.

As it so happens the whole flirting with greatness only to lazily fall back on the humdrum routine seems to be SORORITY ROW's basic nature (Don't cha just hate a tease?) For every clever slice of dialogue or innovative set piece, there is a matching missed opportunity or unnecessary misstep. As the film started I realized that if it was going to be a rehash of I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER that I was in for a long 90 minutes but then by golly, SORORITY slowly but surely gained my trust and respect. I was in hog heaven there for a while before it decided to crap out unnecessarily at the end by identifying the killer as the most boring person in the cast with a motivation so flimsy that even KEVIN WILLIAMSON would wince.

It's sad really, SORORITY has a great look, some reasonable shocks and a mostly likable cast that I could tell apart from each other (it even has the classy decency to throw in a cameo from the cane weapon utilized in the original film), but even though I've withstood far more outlandish killer identity reveals (HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME) for some reason this one seemed just too typical and even beneath the film I had come to enjoy. Yes SORORITY, you won me over in spite of myself only to trample on my heart for no good reason. Please tell me that you are hiding an alternative ending on your DVD!

Oh, S.R. how can I stay mad at you just because you goofed up in the final lap? You've got good ol' CARRIE FISHER roaming about for Christ sakes. How can anybody not appreciate Hollywood royalty that has made the amazing life journey of going from every straight boy's fantasy woman to a bloated cranky mentally unstable curmudgeon i.e. every gay boys fantasy woman. Sorry dudes she's ours now, if it makes you feel any better we have to live with the painful reality that BRUCE WILLIS only had female children to bequeath his lantern jaw to…

Aw, RUMER! I know I'm not supposed to like you but I do! I think you did a great job in this movie considering you had to cry and run around like a headless chicken throughout. Strangely it seems BRIANA EVIGAN the film's lead is the true inheritor of your mother's raspy voice though. I like this BRIANA kid too, I thought she was a stand out in the otherwise forgettable S.DARKO, plus I'm now all kinds of Jimmy Tickles jazzed that she's going to be in the new MOTHER'S DAY jaunt. Speaking of Hollywood royalty, check out that last name again, BRIANA is B.J. AND THE BEAR's loin fruit!

O.K. SORORITY, I'm gonna give you a passing grade with reservations, you had a groovy bubble death scene, a rockin' frat party with good tunes and you crammed a bottle down a victim's throat. To ask any more of you is just gluttony on my part. Just next time, please don't underestimate the power of a creepy harlequin costume O.K.?