I am still traumatized by the 1973 "Prevent Forest Fires" PSA starring JOANNA CASSIDY. Do you remember the one? The one where she RIPS HER OWN FACE OFF to reveal that she is actually Smokey the Bear in disguise?
You can watch it on YouTube.
You can…I can't.
Just the thought of it, even now, makes me want to hide behind the couch.
As a child of the'70s, I was immersed in the popularity of the PLANET OF THE APES film series. I had the coloring book, I watched the animated TV show, I played with the action figures…
But amongst all that ape-lovin', a Traumafession of mine was born: the ending of 1971's ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE APES.
In this third installment, Cornelius and Zira land on present-day Earth from the future, and they're soon treated like celebrities: police escorts, shopping sprees, new threads, swank parties, speaking at the United Nations…it's all very lighthearted and fun.
But when Zira has a baby, an evil doctor named Hasslein fears that intelligent ape procreating will lead to the apes taking over, and he decides the baby must be killed.
Cornelius and Zira switch their baby with a baby chimp from the local circus, and flee to an abandoned oil tanker for the film's finale…which is where the movie gets real dark, real fast.
Hasslein shoots Zira, then — in extreme close-up — puts about 4 or 5 rounds into the swaddled baby. (Yes, it's a baby chimp, and you can't see it, but the idea of shooting a baby was still shocking for my childhood eyes to take in.)
After shooting Hasslein, Cornelius is then shot by the military, and lets out a sick gurgling growl before plummeting from the top of the tanker to the deck below.
THEN, Zira dumps the baby's body overboard (which I still don't understand, but is still a harrowing display), crawls to Cornelius, lies across his body, and they both die. The end.
The best part? Despite this violent and bleak ending, ESCAPE is RATED G!
You can see video of the above carnage here (starting at the 5:30 mark), but it's interrupted by the guy reviewing the film and it loses some of its impact:
Thx guys,
Eric aka FilmFather
I've seen PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE mentioned around here in various posts – but I'm surprised no one has done a traumafession about it.
Sometime between 1979 and '81 my mom's boyfriend's daughter (who was a teenager) took my sister and I (who were 10-12ish) to a double feature of PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE and YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN (these both came out in '74 – but because of when my mom started dating this guy I'm pretty sure I was about 10 when I saw them.) These movies are both pretty hilarious, but it's kinda funny how horror comedy seems to be totally lost on kids. I've seen both movies many times as an adult, but when I was a kid, after having watched one seemingly traumatic movie on a huge, huge screen, and then half of another seemingly traumatic one – googly eyes ceased to be funny and sitting in the lobby for the last half of the comedy YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN seemed like a total necessity.
PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE is basically PHANTOM OF THE OPERA set in a rock club in the ‘70s. I won't go into the plot – just the parts that scared the hell out of me. The first scene is towards the beginning of the movie – where the songwriter, Winslow, gets his teeth yanked out and replaced by freaky metal teeth. Then he gets his head squashed in a record press, which totally deforms his face – and totally sent me into kiddie shock. Then he skulks around the dark corners of The Paradise in a freakaziod, beaked mask and cape and sings his songs in this horrible metallicy, warped voice.
If all these events aren't scary enough to make a kid run out of the theater, just wait. At the end of the movie, after we see Beef get killed on stage (Beef kinda scared me too), weirdo, creepy, short, devil guy PAUL WILLIAMS (who I just reencountered in THE HARDY BOYS AND NANCY DREW MEET DRACULA – yay!!!) gets his gold mask yanked off to reveal a bloody face. My kinder memory of this event has massive amounts of blood all over his face. In reality, there's not so much blood. Even now -when I see the scene, I am surprised that there isn't more blood or gore – cause seriously, I remember it being more like CARRIE.
And Beef? Silly? Yes. Funny? Yes. Over the top, campy fruitcake? Yes. Scary? Nope.
I actually didn't leave the theater until my sister told me she wanted me to go with her to the bathroom during the second movie, YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN. We both wound up on a padded red theater bench in the lobby with her telling me how she couldn't go back in and look at "that guy's" face anymore, and I sat next to her telling her that his movie isn't really as scary as the other movie. But I think the one I was really trying to convince was me – 'cause I couldn't make myself go back into the theater any more than she could.
Oh, and you may be asking who "that guy" is whose face scared my sister so bad.
MARTY FELDMAN.
Another early horror-movie-in-the-theater experience I had was right around that same time – with the same chick – who took us to see GHOST STORY. The popping out of nowhere ghost lady scared the CRAP out of me so bad and forced me to stare at the back of the seat in front of me for most of the movie and I still remember a very distinct trapped feeling – like the darkness and the GIANT gross faces in the movie were all closing in on me.
Now that's scary.
I'm probably gonna drive you guys crazy – but I just can't stop!
O.K. – here is a book trauma from my youth. There was this environment coloring and activity book that was handed out to grade school kids in the '70s – "Fun With the Environment." If I remember right the publication date was 1974. I grew up in Portland, OR – so I don't know if they had it all over the country or just on the west coast.
As you can see I took full advantage of the coloring action. Anyway – it was all about how we can do all these things to help the environment like not litter and conserve water and ride bikes – but then there was this whole comic strip type thing with a family called "The Gluts." Their freaky green blob heads totally creeped me out, and the creepiest part was the freakishly weird angle their heads were at. Like their heads were chopped off and then placed back on at a different degree – not unlike THE EXORCIST head-turn dealie.
These freaky glut people didn't really stick in my mind as I grew up – but I found this book in some old school stuff and it all came rushing back! Maybe that's why I am so good about recycling now-a-days – it's 'cuz I'm afraid I'm gonna see one of those freaky-headed gluts rummaging around in my trash can.
Hello there –
This is my first traumafession (of many to come as my obsession with horror as a child was only slightly overshadowed by my intense fear of the dark) and I thought I'd start with perhaps the scariest of all entries into the horror genre – for me as a child, that is. That would be the commercial. I have always found the scary commercial to have a rather epic horror feel – because you just never know when it's coming. They sneak up on you right and left and the only warning you usually have is some alarming music or a deep warning voice – and sometimes that's just not enough – especially if you find yourself unable to look away.
At the age of 5, the first commercial that scared the pants off me (where I was actually aware of the title of the movie) was IT'S ALIVE. I don't remember anything other than the image of the baby carriage with the claw hanging from it and maybe some crying and a voice telling me about the impending terror – and it scared me so much that I would avoid all commercials before bedtime just to be on the safe side – only to go to bed with the radio on and have to radio spot for the movie send me careening into a pit of fear. Great.
The next movie to cause a premature heart attack/aneurysm combo in my 6-year-old psyche was THE REINCARNATION OF PETER PROUD. I had no idea what the hell was going on with the title or any of the images from the commercial when I was a kid, and the only vague image that I have of it to this day is what seemed to be the cross section of two legs – as if they were sawed off. I don't know if that image is even in the movie (I just found it on You Tube and plan on watching it soon) but something about the whole feel of the commercial just scared me to death.
AUNT JOHN SEZ: No trailer available on this one, but here's a clip:
Next we have AUDREY ROSE. As most of you who had this scare as a wee child and then saw the movie later know – this is really not a scary movie at all. It was the damn commercial! I think all of us who survived those dark days remember the scenes of her up against the window (both inside and outside) – and nothing really happens. Just a little girl who herself is really scared.
And last but not least – the piece de resistance – MAGIC. Another movie that, as it turns out, isn't really all that scary. But man oh man; I couldn't get that freaking dummy face image out of my head for years! Every time the lights went out that image would be there -burned in my brain – keeping me awake.
I never saw any of these movies as a kid (and still haven't seen whether or not Peter Proud's legs are sawed off or what), and they were all pretty humorous and/or tame when I did see them as an adult. Pretty funny.
Thanks you guys so much for this site – I am officially addicted!
Carol
I love your website even though I have not watched most of the films you have there. Turns out I was (maybe still am) the most scared little girl out there. I was scared of "IT" which a lot of people have talked about & of THE EXORCIST add to that the fact that I'm Catholic so it just gets worse for me. But here are two things that I remember that scared the crap out of me:
1 – There was a movie called DAVID: THE DAVID ROTHENBERG STORY about a kid whose parents divorced & his dad takes him to Disneyland then proceeds to burn him while he sleeps in a waterbed in their motel room. David does live after this happens though. This terrified me because (here's where my imagination took off & I scared myself) I used to live in a house 4 houses away from the local drug point (as in drug dealers hung out) & it also happened to be the park which they would in turn shoot the light posts so if the cops came no one could see their faces. Well I was terrified cause my parents would park their cars in our driveway & I would think that the drug dealers in their way to the park would be smoking, throw away their cigarette which would then get lit up & cause a spark from the oil that our cars leaked. This would then cause my house to explode into fire & I would die. Needless to say my mom never let me watch many scary movies. Another part that was creepy was the weird song he sang at the end of the movie or in the beginning I don't remember but I think it was "It's A Small World."
2. This one is for Catholic kids though… There was a movie that the used to show us as kids in Catholic school about the miracle of the Fatima virgin. The Virgin Mary appeared to these 3 kids in Fatima & what not & at the end of the movie it would tell you that if you were good enough you'd just might get visited by Mary like the kids. I don't know if any other kid was like me but I was scared as hell that Mary would appear to me at the end of my bed or something. I don't know why because it's supposed to be good if that does happen but if I still think about Mary appearing to me I still get that creepy/scary feeling I got as a kid just not so intensely. Ironic though cause if I think Jesus would appear to me I wouldn't be scared at all.
I think my earliest memory of truly being traumatized by a movie experience had to be seeing a VHS rental of the original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE at an elementary school birthday party. I have a distinct memory of this kiddie party being held in a finished basement where the parents were upstairs while fourth-graders played party games below, like pin the tail on the donkey and seven minutes in heaven. Anyhow, we stuck in this tape and I knew right away that this was something very adult, that we shouldn't be watching. The opening flashing images felt gritty and real in a way that movies hadn't before. It was exhilarating. The corpse shot at the end of the credits sequence terrified and fascinated me. As the movie continued to play the other kids got bored and ran around doing other things. I sat and watched the movie. The whole thing. It was the most upsetting, horrific thing I'd ever experienced and I loved it so much. All of it! I couldn't stop thinking about Leatherface, his mask, his family, his chainsaw. I drew pictures of him in class, thought about what (or who) he and his father were having for dinner, and if they'd ever get caught. I don't think I was truly convinced it wasn't real. I think it may have changed my life.
Shortly thereafter a trip to the video shop took on new meaning. How could I convince my mom to allow me to rent completely inappropriate things? She'd protest and not let me get what I wanted, but I launched a campaign. One weekend, my little brother and I stayed with our aunt and she took us to the video store where I was able to pull the wool over her eyes and convince her that we'd seen THE EXORCIST and CUJO before, even though we hadn't. I think I picked movies based on their cover art and these two looked real good, especially CUJO. Shortly after THE EXORCIST began my aunt went to bed and my brother and I stayed up and watched both movies. Again, captivated and terrified. They were effective and I loved that feeling of being so effectively frightened by something. I soon became obsessed with these films as well and knew I had to seek out more STEPHEN KING, and movies about Catholic scary shit.
I came back from that weekend at my aunt's and proudly boasted to my mother that my brother and I watched R-rated movies. This seemed to piss her off, but also worked to wear her down. The next time we were at the video store and I begged and begged for A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, and she relented. It had just come out on video and I knew it involved a killer with finger-knives. I HAD TO SEE IT! Well, we got home and popped it in that night and I worked myself up into a frenzy of fear from the very start. The opening titles alone! I can now see why title designs are so important to me. They set the whole tone. I almost had to turn it off. Later on, at the point where those razor fingers come up slowly out of the water in the bathtub, I thought I was having a heart attack. No lie! I thought I might die. Finishing the film felt like a triumph and my love affair with Leatherface sorta ended and Freddy became my new long-time childhood mistress. I was obsessed with Freddy. I wanted to hang out with Freddy. I was in love with Freddy. All these years later, I look back on those formative traumas and can see how important they were. I'm still in love with Freddy, the ROBERT ENGLUND one.
UNK SEZ: Thanks JOSHUA/PEACHES, for the super excellent traumafession! I should also thank you for creating ALL ABOUT EVIL; I swear this may be the first time in my and Aunt John's four hundred year old marriage where we are both equally enthusiastic about seeing the same movie!
Kids, make sure you check out ALL ABOUT EVIL's official site HERE so that you can see when it's coming to your neck of the woods! This fantastic flick not only stars the incomparable NATASHA LYONNE but also showcases our heroes CASSANDRA PETERSON (ELVIRA, of course!) and MINK STOLE (Who, once upon a time, I saw on Philadelphia's South street. I asked her for her autograph and she was sweet as hell and gave it to me and didn't even punch me like some celebrities might!)
Above all else check out the trailer for ALL ABOUT EVIL below; if it doesn't stroke your appetite for hilarity fueled mayhem then you really need to reevaluate your existence… pronto! Seriously silly rabbits, GO SEE THIS MOVIE, otherwise it means you're just trying not to have fun on purpose!
STOP THE PRESSES! Need more PEACHES in your diet? Allow me to recommend PEACHES' super fine horror and cult themed blog which you can stumble into HERE! You guys are going to love the four-part article on Italian horror by ROBERT BARBER and you'll also find insightful film reviews and updates on PEACHES' actions and whereabouts! Go PEACHES!
Dear Curator of Nursery Terata –
Since you seem to like this sort of thing, here's a merry tale of something that made a ghastly impression on my impressionable young mind. Luckily few children are likely to be exposed to this particular bogey by mistake (and hopefully none at all on purpose), but those unlucky few have my deepest sympathies.
When I was about 10, I was surfing the then-available British T.V. channels (all 3 of them) in search of random mid-morning diversion when I happened upon an Open University programme about the history of art just in time to be treated to a clip from LUIS BUNUEL and SALVADOR DALI's film UN CHIEN ANDALOU. It was the eye-slashing scene…
Not having a clue where such a thing could possibly have come from (obviously I switched off before anything worse could happen), for about 15 years I honestly thought I'd hallucinated that image until I finally saw the whole film. Beat that for nightmare fodder!
Talking of which, I'm surprised that you don't seem to be aware of Lucy Lane Clifford's "Anyhow Stories," undoubtedly an all-time pre-school trauma classic which makes "Struwwelpeter" seem almost tame by comparison. To appreciate the full horror of this kiddies' bedtime favourite of yesteryear to which many, many helpless infants were exposed on purpose, you need to hear it read aloud. Which, happily, you can do HERE.
I particularly recommend "The New Mother," a story so utterly terrifying that it has been included in horror anthologies for adults! And award yourself a pinch of fairy dust if you can work out the moral. If you ask me, it's "don't trust evil mom," but surely that can't be right…?
Yours archetypally –
Count Otto Black (deceased)
Being a kid is both wonderful and crappy, because, whether it's horror movies or Santa Claus, kids invest way too much emotion into a lot of smoke and mirrors!
A few days ago, my husband coaxed me into finally watching a movie that, in my youth, I had never been able to sit through. The film came out when I was in 2nd grade, and going by the advertisement (the gnarly severed hand ringing the doorbell over the tag line "Ding Dong, You're Dead") along with the scariest looking witch I'd ever seen, I was certain that it had to be the most terrifying horror movie ever made. That movie is 1986's HOUSE starring WILLIAM "believe it or not, I'm walking on air" KATT as a recently divorced writer who inherits the mind-f*cking house in which his crazy Aunt hung herself. And believe it or not, hilarity ensues!
Growing up, I thought the movie was simply about a guy in a house full of ghouls trying to kill him. Every time I came upon it on any film channel, once the witch showed up, :::click!::: I'm out! For a 7-year-old, that bitch was scary! After doing a search, I was surprised that Kindertrauma didn't seem to have much of anything on the film. And when I finally sat down to watch the entire thing; I just knew I was in for an intensely frightening gore fest.
Is there a contest for the most misleading poster EVER? Because I think I found the winner. Damn that corpsy hand! I'm not saying it was a bad movie (flawed script, but otherwise awesome), I'm just a little pissed off I was freaked out for 25 years by a creepy drawing and a dude in a rubber witch suit.
-Jodi
UNK SEZ: "Let's Party!" If reading that sentence makes you want to throw confetti, spread peanut butter all over your face or strangle a baguette, then you are probably one of the super lucky people familiar with the supernova of creativity known as FOOD PARTY. Hosted by the at turns adorable and diabolical THU TRAN, FOOD PARTY celebrates culinary madness and imagination (think BETTY CROCKER drop kicked by PEE WEE HERMAN or the live action version of the PLAY-DOH FUN FACTORY) and it just might be the very last vestige of brain tickling awesomeness on television. Hilarious and mind blowing, both giggle and nausea inducing, FOOD PARTY is the best invention since sliced head cheese and can be viewed Tuesdays at 10pm EST on my now favorite place on Earth, the IFC channel.
Recently while roving reporter AUNT JOHN was out shopping for "fantasy potion" and ingredients to make ham and spaghetti pancakes with pineapple sauce he bumped into the she-wizard of culinary kookery herself THU TRAN! Ever on his toes AUNT JOHN offered a trade to the joyous genius of grub; a hand full of soon to expire coupons for one super fresh traumafession. THU recognized that many of the coupons were for goose blood and happily agreed, this is what she whispered in his ear…
Many things scared me as a child
I was scared of having my feet exposed while I was sleeping. I was compulsive about having my feet entirely covered. I was scared that monsters under my bed would drag me down into hell by my ankles. Under the bed was the portal to hell.
Upon watching AMERICA'S MOST WANTED, UNSOLVED MYSTERIES, and many action movies such as anything in the DIE HARD series, ROBOCOP series, TERMINATOR series, and any JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME movie, I was horrified of my bedroom in general. My bedroom was on the ground floor in the front of the house, with a huge window facing the street with venetian blinds. There were street lamps, and any late night cars passing by, which would shine VERY brightly through the blinds. During nights of insomnia, I would stare at the window, and be terrified of villains smashing through the window double fisted with AK's or uzis. Neither ever happened.
I also developed a HUGE phobia of small holes clustered in concentrated areas. This was developed shortly after watching NINJA SCROLL and being genuinely terrified of the wasp monster that attacks Jubei.
Specifically, I remember waiting at the bus stop going to 2nd grade and there being a huge smooth hill of snow that someone had casually scattered some salt on to. It created these holes that I was so terrified of swarming bugs coming out of. Even seeing tree bark with ant holes in it freaks me the fuck out.
I'll stop at three.
Thanks THU TRAN for sharing your childhood memories with our beloved readers, you are a sport and an inspiration! You also back up my theory that the more scared you are as a kid the more imaginative you'll be as an adult! Remember traumatots to watch FOOD PARTY on IFC every week. You will gain weight, wisdom and happiness and you'll get to spend some quality time with your new friend THU TRAN!
NOTE: Visit Kinderpals BUZZ and KATE for even more FOOD PARTY love and the official FOOD PARTY blog right over HERE and at IFC HERE!
