Category: Traumafessions

I was about 5 years old or so, and someone in our family thought it was a good idea to take a child to see the movie DEATH SHIP at the drive-in. I don't remember much of the plot, but I remember people in one boat boarding another boat (the titular "Death Ship"). Of course, all sorts of bad things happened to them. The one thing I remember QUITE VIVIDLY was the scene where a guy finds a fishing net full of skeletons…and proceeds to "fall" into it. As he struggles among the bone pile, someone or something else is lowering the fishing net…slowly, very slowly…into the water. To this day, my biggest fear is drowning at sea.

I can't believe nobody has brought up LEGEND, that movie gave me nightmares for years. Was that really meant for kids? Are they kidding? It has to be the scariest movie ever made! TIM CURRY as the Lord of Darkness is bad enough, but that witch in the swamp was just unbearable! I guess my parents thought that since it was a fantasy picture with fairies in it, it must be O.K. How else can I explain them renting that for me? Thanks Mom and Dad. Hope you don't mind paying my therapy bills!

 

 

When I was little, I was allowed to watch the X-files with the rest of my older brothers and sisters because my parents considered it a good show. Sometimes it was scary, but most of the time I had no idea what was going on. One episode that changed my life forever was called "Home" from the 4th season. I just got it on DVD. The episode is about a family of inbred mutants called the Peacocks and it scared me so bad that I spent most of the show hiding behind my older sister. The mother of the Peacock family lived under a bed, so it was easy for me to imagine her under mine after the lights went out. These days it's an on going joke in my family to say, "Don't let the Peacocks bite" before going to sleep. This was pretty funny to a friend of mine when he was staying over because he thought we were talking about the birds until I explained it to him. It turned out he was scared of that episode too.

What really scared me was an episode of Space 1999 called DRAGONS DOMAIN. A tentacled monster with a glowing eye that howled or screams would grab with its tentacles, shove you underneath and you would come back a smoking husk of a body. It could materialize inside your ship and phasers did not work on it. I am now an adult, I bought the episode and it still creeps me out

As kids we always see things differently than we do as adults. I remember the film DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK a made for TV horror movie from the 70's starring KIM DARBY. This was a bit different than most made for television movies because this one was actually scary! Those little creature things SCARED the hell out of me when I was young and they were some smart little bastards as well! I have recently watched this movie again I will admit that it did not have quite the same effect on me as it did when I was a kid. Even still, the creatures (Which I have called Prune Heads for years) are still pretty damn creepy. This film is still the scariest "made for television" movie that I have ever seen.

Christopher Youngblood is a regular contributor over at the always excellent RETRO SLASHERS!

Once, when visiting my friend Jim in Chicago, we wandered into this little second-floor memorabilia shop to look around (you know, one of those I'm-tired-of-collecting-this-shit-so-I'll-open-a-store-and-sell-it-to-some-other-loser type places). The place was full of books, comics, models and geeks, of course. Well, to both my joy and horror, I came upon something that dredged up childhood memories both happy and traumatic. When pointing out what I found to my friend Jim, the look of dread upon his face said it all. Finally, I felt validated for all the years of abhorrence that I'd suffered as a kid, someone else had been scarred. What did I find, you ask? Why, just a 16 inch model of one of the hapless shipwrecked members of the cast of MATANGO. Or, as it's commonly known in America, ATTACK OF THE MUSHROOM PEOPLE. MATANGO is a Toho release from 1963 that lived for awhile in the Saturday afternoon matinee/late night chiller TV slot before disappearing completely sometime in the 80's. This is truly a shame because, after finally getting to see it again with the DVD release, this movie holds up as one of the creepiest and subversive things to ever come out of Japan.Directed by ISHIRO HONDA of GODZILLA fame, everything about this movie holds up 40+ years later.

This movie is the reason I couldn't eat mushrooms for at least 10 years. Only when I reached adulthood (mentally) could I separate fact from fiction and approach our fungal friends again. Still…the movie never fails to come to mind whenever I do eat them.

Like all American kids of my generation (and beyond), I was deeply traumatized by the ending of OLD YELLER–however, it was another "heartwarming family movie" that really messed my shit up, also involving dogs: WHERE THE RED FERN GROWS. Of course the deaths of the dogs are sad, and the titular plant on the graves will bring a tear to all but the most emotionless eye. But it was the death of Rubin Pritchard, the villainous neighbor boy, that really did it to me. For those that don't remember, Rubin sicks his dog Old Blue on Billy Coleman's beloved dogs, hoping to take out the coon-hunting competition. When Old Blue isn't up to the task, Rubin goes to finish the job himself with an ax, but is tripped up in the scuffle and falls on the axe blade, mortally wounding himself.

Now Rubin was the same age as Billy, which was about the same age as I was at the time–and I had never really credited the idea that a kid my age could die. Even though Rubin was the bad guy, it was inconceivable to me that he would really just DIE. Even worse, the movie gives Pritchard a lengthy death scene, complete with whispered last words about fear of dying, and the tell-tale trail of blood from his gaping mouth. At least, that's how I remember it. It was chilling, especially to an impressionable young lad like I was.

Ah, the good old days of television. Nothing says "heartwarming family entertainment" like being forced to confront the fact of your own grim mortality at a tender age, no? Obviously it made me what I am today."

Thanks Vicar, if WHERE THE RED FERN GROWS made you what you are today, we're grateful. Otherwise we wouldn't have a cool site like your MAD MAD MAD MAD MOVIES to visit!

Like most children of the 80s, MTV was the center of my world. My parents couldn't stand the channel so, of course, it became even that much more important thanks to my burgeoning rebellious streak. One of the videos that hit heavy rotation in 1985 was Mike + The Mechanics' "Silent Running," and it was pretty terrifying to my 9 year old self. I remember watching it once all the way through but after that I just couldn't face the dang thing again. Even worse, the video would show up on USA Network's "Night Flight" and haunt me again and again in the wee hours.

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My nephew was born when I was 13 and my niece was born when I was 15, so it was my job to baby-sit them as a teenager. Well, like most teenagers in the 80's I enjoyed watching videos of my favorite artists. In my case, it meant watching many Billy Joel and Duran Duran videos. This brings us to my first case of trauma with my nephew, who was about 3 at the time; I was watching my VHS of Duran Duran's videos and "The Wild Boys" came on. He loved the music because he had listened to it constantly, but I guess he had never paid attention to the video itself. The part where SIMON LE BON falls from the windmill into the water where a weird creature attempts to kill him sent my nephew screaming from the room. He was unable to watch that video for years to come. Next, the second case of trauma with my niece, I had BILLY JOEL's greatest hits on VHS, which we enjoyed watching. In this situation I didn't find out until years later that the video bothered her, she was more subtle than her older brother. She confided in me later on that the video for "Pressure" was traumatizing. The scene where BILLY JOEL is sucked down into the carpet was particularly disturbing for her. It is funny that they both still like Billy Joel and Duran Duran. I even took them to see them both in concert. I guess that is why I am still known as their "Cool Aunt" instead of the aunt that inadvertently traumatized them with music videos.

 

 

The first two OMEN movies scared the hell out of me when I was a kid and they always seemed to be on T.V. Something about those demonic chants that would come before an approaching death got to me. Were they singing "Long live Damien"? The scariest part, I think, was in the second film when that guy fell into the ice. Just knowing that he could see safety through the ice but not reach it freaked me. All the people running around unable to do anything but watch him float away, and he could SEE them! What an awful way to go!! 

Yes Virginia, there is a danger to be found on frozen lakes! And as we once did with scarf safety, we're going to take the opportunity you just provided us to speak of ice safety. Usually ice safety is a subject for spring, but with this whole global warming thing going on, now is as good a time as any. We don't want any of our beloved readers to suffer the same fate as that guy in DAMIEN OMEN 2! Let's look at some other fine films that address that logical fear! 

THE DEAD ZONE: Remember when the icy lake swallowed up an entire kiddie hockey team? CHRISTOPHER WALKEN tried to warn them, but those nasty parents thought he was a kook! Well, now their children are kidsicles. Let this be a lesson, YOU SHOULD ALWAYS LISTEN TO WALKEN! WHISPER: Icy lakes are dangerous enough but, as the previously mentioned DAMIEN OMEN2 illustrated, they are particularly dangerous when a demonic devil child is in the vicinity. When will people learn? IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE: Georgie boy wished he was never born, but guess what? If he was never born he could not have saved his little brother from this horrendous sledding accident. See Georgie, your life has value because thankless dolts like your bro here were able to benefit from it! GHOST STORY: Being high up on a bridge and looking down at the ice is not even advisable because you never know when a ghost of a woman you accidentally murdered is going to show up and scare you so bad that you fall off. THE SWEET HEREAFTER: If you feel you must tempt the ice god Jack Frost, do so on foot for heaven's sake. Don't drive a school bus full of children onto a frozen lake as this fool has done! CURTAINS: Who says the ice even has to break? Here a hapless loser was just trying to skate to her groovy boombox when a hag-masked sickie with a sickle showed up and played whack-a-mole with her face. 

Google research also reveals similar ice calamities in cute doggy flicks (EIGHT BELOW), crap-fests that shoplifters have to star in for penance (MR.DEEDS), and the always educational daytime sudser PASSIONS.

So listen up kids, if you're going to learn anything in life, it certainly won't be at school. It will be at the movies, and all movies agree STAY OFF THE ICE!