Category: Traumatizers

It's a rare remake that can improve upon the original, and TOBE HOOPER's 1986 retelling of INVADERS FROM MARS was widely panned for missing the mark upon its release. On cable and via videotape, it eventually reached its target audience, kids unaware of the original who found a unique motion picture largely told from their point of view. One of the additions that left a lasting impression was the character of Mrs. McKeltch, played by LOUISE FLETCHER, an already formidable school teacher whose threatening demeanor is magnified after she becomes host to one of the evil aliens that are replacing the townsfolk. Most parents were well aware that FLETCHER could play scary in her sleep after her Oscar winning performance in ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, but the kiddie set were startled to find their every classroom fear personified on screen. The scene where young David Gardner (HUNTER CARSON) stumbles upon the malicious schoolmarm dining on a frog behind the science class was particularly unsettling for Kermit loving kiddies, and burned a lasting mark into many of their minds. So, here's to you FLETCHER for hitting a nerve in all of us who ever had to stay after class. You revealed a truth that many of us had already suspected; much like the aliens from the miniseries V, the administrators at our schools where covertly munching on defenseless smaller animals while our collective backs were turned!

American Christian children are quick to laugh off empty threats concerning coal in their stockings as punishment for bad behavior. Austrian kiddies, on the other hand, better mind their P's and Q's. According to their ancient lore Santa, like a mob boss not wanting to get his hands dirty, enlists the aid of a menacing looking creature named Krampus. Horned, spike-tounged and covered in black fur, the big k takes his job seriously, and takes great joy in beating the living daylights out of children. Particularly nasty tots are shoved into his sack or basket and taken away forever. Of course, Krampy is nothing if not pure Kindertrauma poster boy material so to celebrate his centuries of accomplishments in the art of traumatization, we direct you to the always entertaining MONSTER BRAINS to get the real skinny on this under appreciated x-mas icon.

After years of entertaining at the holidays, we here at Kindertrauma like to consider ourselves armchair experts when it comes to decorating with tinsel and making homemade eggnog. We've also learned exactly who is deserving of a get-together invite, and who would be better served with a restraining order. Like Santa, we maintain a list of partygoers who are naughty and nice, and the following folks have been blacklisted from all future Kindertrauma-sponsored holiday functions:

12. SCROOGE (ALASTAIR SIM) a.k.a fun removal machine: The only time he takes a break from talking about work is when he's mid-delusion, bargaining with the angel of death. 11. Scut Farkus (ZACK WARD) from A CHRISTMAS STORY: Do you really wanna stare at this mug from across the table? 10. JACK FROST: He's a rapist, and he'll leave your bathtub a mess. 9. The hobo (voice of TOM HANKS) from THE POLAR EXPRESS: Much like the film he occupies, he's under the false impression that he's heartwarming and charming when in actuality he's stomach churning and nightmarish. Like a crappy movie that won't end, he's the guest who stays forever. 8. Alternative-universe Claire Phillips from SCROOGED (KAREN ALLEN): Aside from hating poor, starving children, she apparently shares the same powder puff as JOAN VAN ARK. 7. Mr. Potter (LIONEL BARRYMORE) from IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE: Although richer than God, he's not above petty theft. Keep your eye on this one; we caught him digging through the pockets of the coat pile in the Kindertrauma master bedroom last year. 6. CHRISTMAS EVIL's Harry Stadling (BRANDON MAGGERT): A notorious cross dresser, he's likely to slip out with your wife's slip, and your grandma's church wig. 5. Mrs. Mac from BLACK CHRISTMAS (MARION WALDMAN): Most likely to drain your liquor cabinet and, more importantly, the hidden hooch kept in the back of your toilet tank. 4. Young Grinch (PASSIONS star JOSH RYAN EVANS) from HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS: Sure he's adorable, but not only is he way high maintenance, he also brings back unwanted memories of wee '70s songster PAUL WILLIAMS. Trained orangutan Nurse Precious is a better bet. 3. Mrs. Deagle (POLLY HOLLIDAY) from GREMLINS: She's an unrepentant dog hater, and she requires a chairlift. 2. Grandpa Chapman (WILL HARE) from SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT: This crazy coot clams up in group settings yet we'll talk your ear off as soon as he gets you alone. Don't even get him started on Santa Claus; his obsessive paranoid conspiracy theories rival those of fellow party pooper OLIVER STONE. 1. If you do make the mistake of inviting the above nine, there is a quick and easy way to get rid of them. Just invite our #1 pick Santa (BILL GOLDBERG) from SANTA'S SLAY. In the opening sequence, he takes out FRAN DRESHER, CHRIS KATTAN, REBECCA GAYHEART, and JAMES CAAN, proving that he's quite adept at demolishing a room full of D-listers.