kindertrauma

Category: Traumatots

Trauma Scene:: Alligator (1980)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I was watching ALLIGATOR the other night in honor of the late great Robert Forster when a particular scene popped out at me as exceptionally kindertraumatic. It's kinda crazy it never struck me as such before and I wondered why I hadn't noticed it the last time I watched ALLIGATOR (which strangely enough was about a month ago). First off, ALLIGATOR is a great movie. It's written by John Sayles (PIRAHNA) and directed by Lewis Teague (CUJO) and it's an action-packed, super sly send-up of fifties-era giant creature flicks as much as it is an inevitable cash-in on JAWS. Forster is brilliant in it and always a good sport when the subject of male pattern baldness arises. I also have to give a shout out to the charming and underrated ROBIN RIKER who we come to find out is the little girl from the film's opening whose thoughtless parents flushed her tiny pet alligator down the toilet. There's a very good chance that her long lost pet is the mutated monster eating so many people who actively deserve it (the creature's attack on an upscale wedding and his subsequent chomping of the film's various villains in the climax is so gratifying).

The vignette I feel obliged to spotlight occurs well within the movie when the alligator is in full rampage mode clobbering anyone unlucky enough to get in his path. In a suburban backyard, three little boys are playing pirates with the two older kids bullying the youngest (who is blindfolded) toward the end of a diving board (pretending it's a pirate's plank) and into the deep end of the pool. Unbeknownst to the trio, the titular alligator is (understandably) taking a much-needed dip in the pool! Now, where every other film known to man would utilize this scenario for suspense only to have the kids realize their blunder and escape at the last minute, this flick has the kid fall in. Not only does he fall in, shortly thereafter he is shown colliding with the scaled abomination and not long after that, the pool is turning blood red signaling that his and the alligator's encounter didn't work out so good for at least one of them. I guess considering ALLIGATOR's debt to JAWS it shouldn't be that shocking that a tyke might end up on the wrong side of an animal encounter but something about this scene feels extra vicious (and perhaps darkly humorous).

Mostly though, I can't help feel sorry for the two older kids who have to live forever knowing they are responsible for their sibling's death. Plus I can't help empathizing with the blindfolded kid who became alligator dinner because the initial prank seems like something my older brothers would have done to me without pause. Anyway, I'm not sure if this macabre scene would float in this day and age but it sure has bite.

Annabelle: Creation (2017)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I thought the previous ANNABELLE (2014) movie was an entertaining enough diversion but I can't say I remember much of it. I may have passed up its new prequel ANNABELLE: CREATION altogether but then I heard they were showing a 4-minute sneak peek of IT introduced by STEPHEN KING himself and that sealed the deal (btw, I was mesmerized by every frame of the IT preview). Did I just say I almost passed up ANNABELLE: CREATION? That's a total lie. If someone makes a killer doll movie, I'm going to go see it. That is my duty and I will beg, borrow and steal to accomplish my goal. In any case, my expectations were not the highest but I ended up thoroughly pleased. I'm not saying you should grab your coat and keys right this second and run out the door to see it but if you are looking for solid late summer chills, it's super generous in handing them out. There's some seriously spooky business gong on in this movie and that freaky looking doll is only the tip of the iceberg. If you enjoy a good haunted house or possession film this baby delivers both. Not to spoil anything but they also throw in a damn animated scarecrow as if there weren't enough satanic shenanigans going on. Really, it's like watching five horror films at once and I'm completely down with that. It gets a little too chaotic for its own good at some points but I'm not one to look a demonic gift horse in the mouth.

What really elevates this film from the standard franchise extension is its setting and characters and the obvious talents of its director DAVID F. SANDBERG (LIGHTS OUT) and cinematographer MAXIME ALEXANDRE (HIGH TENSION). Director SANDBERG really knows how to torture you with silent, empty spaces and ALEXANDRE makes half of this movie resemble a gorgeous painting. The heart of the film is a friendship between two young orphan girls (TALITHA BATEMAN and LULU WISON) and the actresses are both super effective at convincing you of their tight bond. There's a scene in which the two trade dolls when they realize they will be separated and it's really rather moving because the acting is so real and unaffected. Plus, I'm sure I've mentioned this before here but I can really get into a horror house and this movie not only offers up a glorious, painstakingly detailed gothic wonder but also a miniaturized dollhouse version that likes to light up on its own from time to time. Before I make this all sound too precious, let me tell you there are some seriously alarming monsters roaming these halls. I'm talking clawed, glowing-eyed demons that shapeshift, melt into the darkness and burn into your noggin like the cover of an early eighties horror paperback. Even if you're not a fan of ANNABELLE's first outing this one is a pretty safe bet and if the lady who sat behind me screaming was here, I'm pretty sure she'd say the same.

Mama (2013)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Is it too late to write a review of MAMA? That movie is ancient. I missed it in the theater because who knows why, waited for it to appear on Netflix streaming, which it never did and then watched its price as a used DVD go from 15 dollars to 10 to 6 to 4. I finally had to buy the decrepit thing before it turned into a fossil! When I opened the DVD case the disc inside had a long grey beard growing on it! This movie is positively geriatric! Oh wait, IMDb says it was released less than a year ago. Hey don't blame me, blame our disposable culture! This is BLOCKBUSTER's fault even though they are dead! If it was up to me, you'd all be waiting three years for movies to come out on VHS and when they did, they'd cost a hundred clams to purchase and you'd rent them for 5 bucks a pop and if you were late returning them, you'd be fined up the wazoo! That is the natural order of things!

MAMA! Back to MAMA! Love that title! Why didn't I like this movie so much? The premise is fantastic not to mention kindertrauma-riffic. Two poor, pitiful little girls are left in an abandoned cabin in the woods by their insane, gone postal father. Instead of starving and freezing to death, they are cared for by a motherly spook who, like Charo, goes by one name only "Mama" (okay, "cared for" might be a bit of a stretch.) We come to learn that Mama is a ghost that can physically engage in the world and move objects about with ease, so I'm wondering why the hell she didn't pick up the cabin a bit, do some laundry and maybe comb the poor kid's hair! Get it together Mama! You so lazy!

Five years later (really? It took five years for someone to look in the cabin next to the crashed car?), the now feral kids are discovered and taken in by their not insane uncle and his borderline sociopathic "rocker" girl friend Annabel (JESSICA CHASTAIN in a Cousin April wig). I say she's borderline sociopathic because the card that informs us that Annabel is struggling with her maternal instincts is so overplayed that it appears as if she has never encountered a child before and has the patience of a spider monkey. To be fair, there are several later scenes of her connecting with the kids that are less ham-fisted and do really work. In fact, there are many elements in this movie that hint at a much better film just begging to happen. The kids are fantastic and the Mama entity, when not shoved down our throats, can be pretty spooky. Unfortunately every thing from a meddling Aunt to Mama's backstory is painted in such broad strokes that it feels like a fairy tale performed on a Colorforms set. I have two major gripes…

Now, you know I love a "research" scene, they crack me up for being so cliché but I also love them as mid-film markers that declare that the mystery portion of our story is over and things are about to come to a head. MAMA's "research" scene happens super early and it goes on and on and on. It's like a big gelatinous mound of nothing in the center of the picture, a cinder block tied to a kite. We get the library, the wise oldster, a RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK storage unit, maps upon maps, news clippings, psychic dreams with characters pointing towards things, street signs, BIG close ups of news clippings, more maps, more sign posts and it all just amounts to redundant filler. Really all the information could just be stuffed inside one of the psychic dreams but instead we have to laboriously follow a boring psychiatrist around when we should be at home with the kids. The kid's story is interesting! It's heartbreaking when the older sister is ready to move away from Mama and the younger one is not. The story is in the house between these characters but we keep getting pushed past the good stuff! Nothing to see here folks! Let's catch up with our throwaway character's attempts to learn what we all already know! (On the other hand, Dr. Boring's cabin encounter with Mama might be the strongest scare in the film. )

Then there's the whole look of Mama. Sometimes Mama looks cool and I dig her underwater hair-do and sometimes Mama looks terrible as in, "Did they model her facial expression from Beaker from the Muppet Show?" At this point, I don't care if the effect is CGI or practical or stop-motion marionette, what matters is what's on the screen and what's on the screen is a problem for me. I think it was a fine idea to put Mama front and center at the climax. I'm not saying less is more and they showed too much and the audience needs to use its imagination because what's in your head is scarier than anything they could show you and all that junk. It's just that, as WHAM once said, "If you're going to do it, do it right." If you want to display Mama in all her glory make sure I'm in awe instead of catching myself wondering if DARKNESS FALLS is underrated. I don't think MAMA is terrible, it's just one of those movies that frustrates because you know it could have been way better. It's not a good sign when your "Sorry I adopted you only to make you feel unwelcome in my home." redemptive resolution was better handled in POLTERGEIST 3.

Like I said, I think it's a great premise and I'll even add that when MAMA is good, it feels like something from Disney's early eighties dark fantasy period like WATCHER IN THE WOODS or SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES (I wouldn't be surprised to receive traumafessions on it in the future either). It's also clear that the filmmakers at least tried to do something of substance even though they got sidetracked along the way. Ultimately for me though, it comes off kind of shrill and cloying and I think the material deserved a more subtle approach and more of a focus on the characters, particularly the relationship of the little sisters. MAMA is based on a short film and that makes perfect sense. If you edited out all of the subterfuge, stalling and brownnosing jump scares, you probably would have one very good short film. There are some priceless heirlooms in this dumpster (a tug of war with a blanket and an unseen Mama comes to mind) but boy do you have to dig! Now I'm sad. I wanted to like this more because it reminded me of my adopted cats. On the bright side, it was totally worth the four dollars for the snow scenes.

CORRECTIONS: The above review incorrectly claims that CHARO has only one name. That is not the case as is revealed in the clip below…

Kinder-link:: Kevin Maher's Interview with Max Kalmanowicz Director of The Children (1980)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ:: One last heads up that tomorrow is the big date for the EVIL KIDS double feature that includes THE CHILDREN (1980) and DON'T GO TO SLEEP (1982)! To get you in the mood our buddy KEVIN MAHER has snagged an interview with THE CHILDREN's director MAX KALMANOWICZ which you can read HERE! It's a superlative piece and you'll notice that KEVIN was able to get both a traumafession and a "Name That Trauma!" out of MAX! How cool is that? Tickets to the show can be found YONDER! Hope those of you who are in that neck of the woods can make it!

ALSO:: Special thanks to our other pal JOHN KENNETH MUIR for supplying the cool publicity stills you see before you. You can read JKM's insightful review of THE CHILDREN over HERE!

Name That Traumatot :: Round 12

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hey gang, it's that time again. Time for NAME THAT TRAUMATOT! Are you excited? O.K., the screen captures are on the sucky side because I'm getting to the bottom of the barrel and some of these are a bit obscure but hey, who cares? It's Friday, and I'm in love…with trauma!

Name That Traumatot :: Super Special Spectacular Show

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hey it's another Friday and time for N.T.T.! But wait!!!! DON"T MAKE A GUESS JUST YET! Today is super special because, as of last week, we collectively identified 100 traumatots! Time to celebrate and reward ourselves WITH PRIZES!!!! Below are 10 twisted images of our picks for THE TOP 10 TRAUMATOTS OF ALL TIME! (don't hold us to them though.) Guess or identify as many as you can — but don't leave your guesses in the comment section (that will give away the answers!) instead, send us an email with your guesses to Kindertrauma@gmail.com!

Whoever guesses the most the fastest will win a PRIZE!

The second fastest and wisest will win the same PRIZE!

If you are stumped or late to the game you can still win a PRIZE because yet another person will be picked randomly in some yet to be determined way.

THE PRIZES ARE GOOD TOO!!! You will get a brand spanking new factory sealed DVD of the super excellent horror flick with the best title ever MURDER LOVES KILLERS TOO!!!

Not only that, but you will also get a too beautiful for words giant sized poster for MURDER LOVES KILLERS TOO signed by the brilliantly talented artist who created it STEPHEN ROMANO!

Winners will be announced in the comments section tonight!

NOW GET TO GUESSIN' KIDS!

Name That Traumatot :: Round 10

Posted on By unkle lancifer

It's Friday and time for another rousing round of "Name That Traumatot!" Your Unkle Lancifer is going to sit this one out so the festivities will be hosted by super celebrity Aunt John. He'll give you the answers and clues when needed. After today you will have collectively identified 100 movies, pretty impressive stuff. Good luck kids!