Category: Tykes in Trouble

Following the success of BETTE DAVIS and JOAN CRAWFORD in WHATVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE?, Hollywood developed a formula for dealing with A-List actresses of a certain age. Take the over-the-hill screen siren, slap her into a harebrained thriller, and watch the camp meter explode. Such is the case with SHELLEY WINTERS over-the-top turn as widow Rosie Forest in 1971's WHOEVER SLEW AUNTIE ROO? After her only daughter Katherine dies in one of those unfortunate, "Mommy, watch me slide down the banister" mishaps, the insanely wealthy Rosie spends her days caring for the child's mummified remains that she keeps stashed in a hidden nursery, and trying to make contact with the dead girl via séances facilitated by an obviously fake medium. Once a year, Rosie, aka Auntie Roo, opens her big heart and expansive manor to select children from the local orphanage at Christmas time. When the uninvited brother-and-sister tag team of Katy and Christopher crash the holiday festivities, Rosie realizes the striking resemblance between Katy and her dead daughter, and does what any grieving mother would do; she kidnaps the young girl and locks her away in the hidden nursery. After the rest of the children are carted back to the orphanage, Christopher hangs back and wages a one-boy battle against the unhinged Auntie Roo in order to free his sister. The film makes no secret that it is a retelling of Hansel & Gretel, Christopher articulates this one too many times in various voiceovers, and it makes the obligatory nod to the Wicked Witch of THE WIZARD OF OZ with Auntie Roo's hourglass in the kitchen. WINTERS never really comes across as a witch, but more of a bat-shit insane mother, and the analogy falls somewhat flat. 

INDELIBLE SCENE(S): 

• Auntie Roo performs a soft-shoe routine for the orphans on Christmas Eve, and SHELLEY shows off some ample inner-thigh
• WINTERS pre-dates JACK NICHOLSON's classic "Here's Johnny" move in THE SHINING by nine years when she hacks her way through the pantry door with a meat clever, followed by a close-up of her face in said shattered door
• The mummified remains of the daughter crumbling in Auntie Roo's gloved hands
• Auntie Roo devours an apple

Puppy-eyed Dodger (MACKENZIE ASTIN) alternates his time between receiving beat downs from two-bit thug Juice, harboring an unrequited crush on Juice's fashion designer girlfriend Tangerine, and working as an after-school sales associate at Cap'n Manzini's antique shop. Amidst the collection of dust-covered crap cluttering the store, stands a strikingly out-of-place garbage can that Cap'n Manzini (ANTHONY NEWLEY) strongly cautions his young employee to never open. Naturally the lid is knocked loose, after Juice and his cronies stop by the shop to physically assault Dodger, and the titular stars of the film emerge from their garbage can captivity. Despite their grotesque appearance, and inability to control any and all of their bodily functions, the GARBAGE PAIL KIDS have really big hearts. To help Dodger win the heart of Tangerine, the Kids knock off a non-union sweatshop and design a full line of '80s couture for her to use in her debut fashion show at McBundy's Department Store. Rather than thanking the Kids, and blocking off front row seats for them at the fashion show, Tangerine reveals her ugly nature by selling them out to Juice, who then turns them over to the State Home for the Ugly. Dodger and Cap'n Manzini, along with the help of a biker gang, spring the Kids from looks-based lock-up, and set out to school Tangerine and Juice on the value of inner beauty and the undeniable power of well-timed flatulence.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• ALI GATOR and WINDY WINSTON befriending the occupants of the "World's Toughest Bar"
• The Kids running amok in the movie theater, in their adorable little trench coats & berets
• Tangerine's backstage diva antics at the big fashion show
• VALERIE VOMIT giving Juice's goons the what-for
• The closing theme song, "You Could Be a Garbage Pail Kid"

The old gray mare just ain't what she used to be and the St. Bernard ain't feeling too hot either. Previously precious pooch Cujo got his schnozola chomped by a perturbed bat, and now he's riding the rabies train! Consequently, E.T's mom DEE WALLACE and her little son DANNY PINTAURO are beginning to look like two oversize chew toys to the killer canine. What did they do to deserve the mongrel's wrath? Well, she's having an adulteress affair (Don't worry it's with her real life love CHRISTOPHER STONE) and he's well, he'll grow up to be Jonathan Bower on WHO'S THE BOSS? That could get anybody's dander up! Don't expect high adventure; most of the action takes place in a stalled Pinto. Director LEWIS TEAGUE (ALLIGATOR) is more interested in claustrophobic tension and he brings it by the bucketful. Both leads are put through the ringer, and both deliver spotless performances. We're all quite aware of the awesomeness that is Dee Wallace, so it's Pintauro who surprises. His near constant whines and whimpers may be annoying (especially when a ringing telephone is added to the mix) but I can't think of a more authentic portrayal of anguish by a child so young. (Dude was six!)

INDELIBLE SCENE(S)

• Don't blame Cujo, it's all the bat's fault!
• Child star BILLY JACOBY (SUPERSTITION, BLOODY BIRTHDAY) confronts Cujo in the fog
• "Nothing wrong here!" commercial for cereal that makes you pee red
• In the best scene in any movie ever, mom of the century Dee finally looses her shit and screams "Alright I'll get your daddy!" with all the red-faced rage of a woman who is beyond exhaustion. Get this woman on THE ACTOR'S STUDIO! Dee hit the zone!
• Heads up Cujo, Dee found a Louisville slugger!

If there's one thing Luke's (JASEN FISHER) grandmother Helga (MAI ZETTERLING) really detests, it would have to be witches. According to Helga, witches are the vilest of creatures, with their purple-tinged eyes, stumpy feet concealed by sensible shoes, and baldheads covered by itch-inducing wigs. The sole mission of witches, per Helga, is to rid the world of the children, and she speaks from experience, having lost one of her fingers to a witch as a wee one. In fact, one of her best childhood friends was not only abducted and murdered by a witch; the poor girl was then sentenced to a purgatory of feeding ducks in a Currier & Ives style, sofa-sized painting. Flash-forward through the untimely deaths of Luke's parents, and Helga's diabetes diagnosis, the pair decide to take a much-needed seaside holiday at the Hotel Excelsior. Chalk it up to poor inter-generational travel planning; the resort just happens to be hosting all of the witches in England who just happen to be convening under the auspicious title of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children. Luke stumbles into one of their closed-door sessions where the Grand High Witch (ANGELICA HUSTON), in an accent of indeterminate Eastern European origin, reveals her diabolical plan of franchising sweet shops that sell laced chocolates that turn kids into mice. After being caught by the witches, Luke learns first hand that life as a talking rodent is not the toy car joyride depicted in STUART LITTLE. With it's hideous make-up effects, MONTY PYTHON-like gross out humor, and dark puppetry courtesy of JIM HENSON, THE WITCHES skews closer to a Grimm's fairy tale than your typical saccharine-sweet family outing.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• The little girl who gets trapped in a painting
• The removal of the wig and mask from the Grand High Witch at the meeting
• The witches kicking off their shoes
• The aftermath of the witches ingesting the tainted soup

I'm sure I hardly need to introduce myself; I'm sorta a big deal. Unless you live under a rock or don't own a radio, you know who I am. If you have somehow not heard my awesome radio show (KAB rocks!) you've certainly seen me riding around Antonio Bay in my wicked convertible! Well, I'm not here to promote myself, but rather to expose a certain oldster who's gotten a free pass in this town as of late. I'm talking of Mrs. Kobritz and her dubious abilities as a babysitter. I've ignored missing under garments, the dilution of my liquor with tap water, and habitual tardiness, but it's high time Mrs. Kobritz be held accountable for her routinely irresponsible behavior. First of all, I realize that the other night there was an out of the ordinary occurrence that had many of our locals running about pell-mell begging for God to intervene. (I'm referring to the zombie-infested fog bank that engulfed the town.) But many of us were still able to do our jobs and even help others when the opportunity arose. I know I did everything I conceivably could to warn all my listeners of the impending danger (off the clock!). And let's face reality folks, the crew of the Elizabeth Dane were only going to kill six of us; it's not like the whole town was going down! (more…)

No, It's not a masterpiece like the original. Gone is the pitch perfect ominous supernatural dread. Gone is the focus on the stalwart Laurie Strode. In it's place is debatably the most interesting portrayal of a child killer in years. Before scoffing imagine Zombie's haunted hay ride without it's impossible to live up to title, HALLOWEEN, you will see the tale of a harassed child who snaps completely and a mother who desperately clings to the hope that her son is not lost forever to mental illness. Zombie's white trash environment was widely criticized for being a cheap tack on catalyst for lil' Mikey's madness. I don't read it that way. His siblings share a similar upbringing without a hint of the same affliction. In fact, young Michael has no memory of his actions and explicitly wants to return home and be with the family he still imagines alive. No, the roots of his behavior do not involve druid style mumbo jumbo, but he is taken over by a nameless something that still fits snugly inside the definition of EVIL. DAEG FAERCH's heartbreaking portrayal is original in the annals of horror, with his soft features and sensitive disposition towards his mother ("I like your hair curly. It's pretty.") He is the antithesis of the robotic, cut in stone child demons that are usually displayed in movies like THE OMEN or THE VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED. When Michael reaches adulthood the second half of the film concerns the events we are more familiar with, but the shells in this game are switched around enough that you never really know what's going to happen. Laurie bringing Lindsey BACK home to the Wallace's to check on Annie? Brilliant. Credit should also be given for the more brutal and realistic violence. Usually In slasher movies victims go down quickly and easily. A simple machete to the face and they'll even pose for you so can place them in a make shift shrine. These victims convulse, shake, squirm and crawl away just like real ones and the result is visceral and disturbing. In my book, Zombie's meta take easily achieves the gonzo schlocky pandemonium of a real honest to goodness horror film, the kind of which there are far too few. I agree the ham fisted editing does weaken the theatrical version, but the director's work-print closes with a much more touching and enduring finale involving a voice over from Mike and Dr.Loomis's first session together. As the audio rolls we hear Faerch's pip-squeak voice intone "Hi, I'm Micheal Myers…" Was his performance enough to convince me of that fact? To quote from the original film: "As a matter of fact…it was."

• "Love hurts" Zombie may never live it down but it's a counterintuitive choice that genuinely lingers
• Bully gets his comeuppance in the woods. If you say you didn't enjoy this scene as much as I did you are a liar
• Tiny Mike in giant mask
• Lil' Mike takes care of the nurse followed by an ear maddening siren blare
• Many people THINK about blowing their brains out when watching home movies. Mommy Moon doesn't just think about it, she DOES it!

 

 In Greentown, Illinois, October is a brisk month punctuated by the arrival of traveling lightening rod sales and carnivals. One by one, assorted townsfolk are granted wishes on the midway of Dark's Pandemonium Carnival; for example, the ugly schoolmarm wants her beauty restored, the dual-amputee barkeep wants his limbs back so he can relive the glory days of short-lived football stardom, and the virginal barber wants to get with some ladies. Preteen pals Will Halloway and Jim Nightshade quickly discover the dark side to this freaky Make-A-Wish-Into-A-Nightmare-Foundation, and find themselves being hunted by the carnival's sinister proprietor Mr. Dark (JONATHAN PRYCE). Will's over-the-hill father (JASON ROBARDS) teams up with the boys to bring the calliope crashing to the ground.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• Jim & Will's shared spider nightmare
• PAM GRIER as the saucy soothsayer with the glowing eyes
• The creepy ginger-haired kid who breaks the window with a rock
• The meltdown of merry-go-round time machine
• Mr. Dark's "Have You Seen These Boys?" hand-inked jobs

 

  

 

 Although barely a dot on a map and with a population of a mere 26, the town of Nilbog has quite a reputation. It's thought of as a wonderful half empty town full of farmers who live like our ancestors did hundreds of years ago. You can barely step into a supermarket these days without being exposed to row after row of their vitamin enriched milk. The townsfolk are devout vegetarians but not complete wet blankets. Many believe that the new "HAND GLASSES" dance craze that's sweeping the nation originated in the little hamlet. But if you're looking for that famous country hospitality, I suggest you look elsewhere. I contend that there's a skeleton in Nilbog's closet and that skeleton is not a skeleton, that skeleton is a goblin! For it has come to my attention that the town's very name is GOBLIN spelled backwards. Feel like vomiting? The line starts behind me.For the non-believers out there I challenge you to this experiment. First, grab a piece of scrap paper and a writing utensil preferably a feather dipped in ink. Now write the evil town's name NILBOG on that paper. After waiting several minutes for the ink to dry hold the scrap of paper, words side out in front of a piece of reflecting glass such as a bathroom mirror (or for you ladies a handy compact.) THERE, DO YOU SEE IT? If you concentrate hard and squint your eyes I'm sure you can make out the despicable word "GOBLIN.""Who are the goblins?" some may ask. Well I assure you that they are not the stuff of fairy tales, they are real. They are cruel deformed forest dwellers and they are spiteful and impudent. No, I did not say impotent. I said impudent, look it up. They can transform themselves into flesh and blood creatures whenever and however they want…They can! These vengeful evil creatures make you eat green pudding until you start to sweat chlorophyll green- the color of goblins, the color of sap. They then turn you into a half-man half-plant, their favorite food! They do all of this with a voracity that has no equal. Why? No reason. Goblins don't need to justify their cruel acts. If NILBOG has nothing to hide, why has my every inquiry been rebuffed? I've gotten the cold shoulder from both Creedence Leonore Gielguld AND Sheriff Gene Freak. In fact, when I asked the sheriff a simple question that was not related to this case, "Where could I find some single unattached girls?" He just laughed in my face and drove off. What are you hiding Sheriff? Did you really think offering me an ear of corn with green butter on it would shut me up? I got news for you Freak, tonight I'll be doing more research on your dirty little goblin kingdom. Tonight I'll be by watching TROLL 2!    

Artax, the beloved horse of Atreyu took his own life while traveling through the swamps of sadness in Fantasia recently. Creatures with depressive disorders have long been warned of the swamps ability to amplify suicidal ideology, leading to immobilazation and eventualy complete submersion. "He let the place get to him," explained the bereaved. "I guess he just started thinking about how screwed up things have been around here lately, plus there's this whole approaching nothingness thing. I think about stuff like that too, I just don't think about it when I'm in the effing swamps of sadness." When pressed further, Arteyu, a great warrior, claimed he did everything in his power to talk his friend out of his existential dilemma. "I thought he was joking at first, I even tried to laugh it off, but old Eyore just kept sinking. I was like, ‘You have to try, you have to care!' For me… I'm you're friend. I love you! I even called him a ‘Stupid Horse,' something I've never said before. I told him I wouldn't give up and I didn't, but he sure as hell did." Services will be held on Shell Mountain close to where the incident took place. The grieving are advised to travel there by Luck Dragon, giant bat, racing snail or even rock tricycle as the swamps have proven time and again with occurrences such as this, to be dangerous by foot or hoof. "It's a NEVERENDING STORY admitted the ruler of Fantasia, a nameless Childlike Empress, "Lots of folks go into that swamp, not so many come out."

Count Dracula, who is not exactly well known for his positive contributions to society hit a new low when he used misogynist hate speak in addressing Monster Squad member Phoebe Crenshaw — who is just the tender age of five. Though evil, undead, and a creature of the night, the Count was widely viewed as the most cultured and refined of the classic monsters; his recent actions could tarnish this perception permanently. If the sequences of events in the film MONSTER SQUAD are to be believed (and I have no reason to doubt them) Ms. Crenshaw, with aid of a magic amulet, was in the process of delivering an incantation in German that would summon a whirlpool leading to a "limbo" dimension that was meant to trap the Transylvanian forever. So enraged was the Count at the idea of being foiled that he grabbed the diminutive Crenshaw by the chin, lifted her off the ground, and bellowed in her face "Give me the amulet you B-I-T-C-H!" Onlookers both human and monster alike were taken aback by the outburst. A fish creature who asked not to be named had only this to say, "Not cool."