kindertrauma

Category: Tykes in Trouble

Exorcist II: The Heretic

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I've been seeing so many good movies lately that I've been scraping dangerously close to having a positive outlook on life. Knowing in my heart of hearts that my contentment is the first sign of the apocalypse, I decided to do us all a favor and sabotage myself before it starts raining frogs. What better film to throw my winning streak off the rails than the most hated sequel ever to come down the pike? I'm talking of course about JOHN BOORMAN's loopy audience displeaser EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC. If this renowned stinker couldn't shoot down my happy balloon what could?

The first and only time I had ever seen this movie I was a preteen KIM WILDE enthusiast at my cousin's house and it was on their fancy pay cable channel. I was very into seeing it and very into it scaring the crap out of me. What I was not into was what actually ended up happing because I'm pretty sure I ended up with my face in a shag carpet fast asleep with a melted grape popsicle in my hand. How could a possession movie not scare a kid who was terrified of the red devil figure on the Underwood Deviled Ham can? (The answer to that question turns out to be very simple, just add tap dancing sequences, a hypnotic strobe light and a plethora of locusts).

Whatever the problem is with EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC it's certainly not the cinematography, more often than not, this is a gorgeous looking film. Maybe not in a way that is particularly appropriate for an EXORCIST sequel, but arresting nonetheless. Visual effects artist ALBERT WHITLOCK shows his deft abilities on several occasions (a simple shot of an airplane in flight is stunning) so no complaints there. The soundtrack too, care of master ENNIO MORRICONE is well above par. So as the kids say, "Where's the beef?" Well, it just so happens that everything else going on in this movie is absolutely flip your LIDSVILLE crazy. Some of its ideas are interesting (the concept of the more "good" you are, the more "evil" you attract at least explains why my lunch money was stolen throughout grade school), yet unless the goal was to drive the audience insane or into fits of laughter, it's still a mystery how this apple fell so damn far from the tree.

Putting aside that the entire approach to the story is a bit of a snub to the original film's fans and the fact that much of the dialogue, though thoughtful towards the metaphysical, doesn't quite resemble human speech, let us now talk about the acting. What a cast huh? RICHARD BURTON, LOUISE FLETCHER, MAX VON SYDOW, JAMES EARL JONES and returning champ LINDA BLAIR, could you ask for anything more (I mean, besides ELLEN BURSTYN)?

Here is where the movie becomes either the worst atrocity you have ever seen or the most riveting display ever committed to film and it all depends on how drunk you are. I for one am convinced that bombastic BURTON at one point looked directly at the camera to tell the audience that what they were experiencing was "fascinating," did I imagine that? Was that some kind of desperate plea to keep people in their seats? On the other end of the acting spectrum is LOUISE FLETCHER who can usually turn me to stone with a single cobra gaze but is inexplicably wishy-washy throughout this movie even while getting totally felt up by a demon. Then there is JAMES EARL JONES, well… give him a break he had to wear a locust hat. As far as our Miss BLAIR, well she fluctuates between a grinning Moonie any reasonable person would avoid at an airport and a frat house roofie victim. Only SYDOW escapes with dignity in tact and he's playing the dead guy.

So needless to say as wretched as this movie is known to be, it in fact did not ruin my night! It was still a little boring in places, but as an adult I couldn't wait to see what kind of craziness was around the corner. For better or for worse, BOORMAN certainly did his own thing. It was probably more of his ZARDOZ thing than his DELIVERANCE thing but at least you get the idea that somebody was behind the wheel (even as they are crashing into your flower bed). Is it a worthy successor to the EXORCIST? Oh, not by the longest stretch you could possibly imagine, but it is an oddity unto itself and as bizarre as they come. I don't think it's fair to call it the worst movie ever made, but I think it's probably still O.K. to refer to it as the most disappointing sequel of all time (sorry GEORGE LUCAS). Maybe BURTON's assessment was accurate after all, "fascinating" just about covers it. I would have preferred "scary" or "comprehensible" but I can't be too harsh on any movie that sports a young, slightly buck toothed DANA PLATO.

NOTE: Can anything prepare a person for one of the most insane movies ever made? How about the most completely off the wall trailer ever made? Careful, it's addictive!

And perhaps even more addictive is this little number…

The Bridge To Terrabithia

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I give up. I throw up my hands and I give up. It's like I just discovered that I'm a Cylon except like a really, really wimpy one. After being beaten to a pulp by EDEN LAKE, then being misled and thrown for a loop by BABYSITTER WANTED, I was ready to just watch a normal movie with no surprises or hidden agendas. I was off to a good start because BURNT OFFERINGS was on cable this past weekend and I dutifully watched it twice. No surprises there; the chimney falls on the kid's head every time! So far so good, but this morning when I was flipping channels I got zoomed yet again when I decided watching THE BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA would be a good idea.

Hey, it's just a couple kids building a tree house and making up an elaborate fantasy world in the forest, what could go wrong?

Cut to an hour and a half later when your Unkle Lancifer is a sniveling pile of goo. I can't take it anymore! If there had been a MANDY MOORE song over the closing credits, I would have blown my brains out like a cartoon cat with only, "Goodbye cruel world!" as my last words. So if you're keeping score at home: EDEN LAKE kicked my ass; BABYSITTER WANTED slapped me around a bit; and then when I thought I was ready to brush myself off and move on, little, tiny innocent baby BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA snuck in, stomped on my foot like SHIRLEY TEMPLE and then taunted me to tears.

If you've only seen commercials and trailers for BRIDGE then you may think, as I did, that it is a fantasy adventure movie like, say, THE LION THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE. You may even think it's a corny feel-good movie about the power of imagination… it's a trick! A Trojan horse! Yes, ZOOEY DESCHANEL plays a music teacher who sings "Why can't we be friends?", but it's just to soften you up for the sucker punch! Watching BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA is actuality more like witnessing BAMBI's mother getting shot in the face by SOUNDER over and over again while GENA ROWLANDS and JAMES GARNER cheer from the sidelines.

Here is an admission you'll not likely to read on BLOODY DISGUSTING or AIN'T IT COOL NEWS, later today I'm going to go out and buy a Little Lord Fauntleroy outfit complete with Dutch boy wig. After I put both on I'm going to purchase the largest all day lollipop I can find and I'm going to skip all the way home with it. If any bullies pick on me, I'm going to give them a big wet raspberry and then jump on a pink pogo stick and bounce away, probably to the nearest mental hospital where I can get a long rest in a rubber room preferably within a STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE sleeping bag. If you've seen this movie, you know what I'm talking about, and if you have not, well you have been warned. Who says trauma is just for kids?!?

Babysitter Wanted

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Gosh darn, this hurts. I can't tell you about the most intriguing aspect of BABYSITTER WANTED without ruining its most pleasant surprise. What's even more painful is that I have to resist using what would be the film's stronger images to illustrate this post for the same reason. Legitimate, well-thrown curve balls are so rare in horror movies these days that I couldn't live with myself if I diminished even a fraction of this movie's novel bite. Nope. I Just won't do it. Who says I don't have any scruples? (Put down your hand Aunt John, I thought those left over enchiladas in the fridge where fair game. Time to move on).

I know what you are thinking, "A babysitter in peril movie?… been there, done that," and you're absolutely right. In fact, the beginning of BABYSITTER WANTED does just about everything in its power to prove that it has no intention at all of covering new ground. Every cliché is in place: missing college girls, ominous phone calls from a shadowy stranger, even the standard small town feckless police officer makes an appearance in the form of BILL MOSLEY. Half way in, BABYSITTER may not be impressing you with its originality, but you have to admit it certainly does a fine job of imitating its slasher forefathers right down to its butter wouldn't melt protagonist and its obviously humble budget. Midway in I was far from wowed, but seriously enjoying the cozy vapors of nostalgia.

Once the comfortable, hoary stage is set though, a genuine wild card is hurled. I'm not sure if it's 100 percent convincing, but the effect is profoundly invigorating nonetheless. Suddenly the stakes are much higher than imagined and the opportunity for a fuzzy outcome deflates triple fold. It's sort of like thinking you are stepping into a puddle and ending up waist deep in mud. Directors JONAS BARNES and MICHAEL MANASSERI deserve props for patiently allowing things to gel before dropping their hammer. Kudos is also deserved for standing back and allowing some black humor to seep through the cracks once the game board is flipped. This may not be the scariest movie ever made and it does require a bit of the old suspension of disbelief (if you don't know how to do that… learn), but once things start ticking, it delivers quality suspense at regular intervals and ends up being a lot of fun.

Heading the cast as eighteen-year-old babysitter Angie is the closer to thirty television vet SARAH THOMPSON (7TH HEAVEN, ANGEL) who makes the journey from accommodating good girl to sneering survivalist without missing a beat. An equally impressive performance is given by BRUCE THOMAS, whose acting career began playing "Mini Ash #3" in ARMY OF DARKNESS and who has the chin to prove it. This misleadingly simple, covertly aggressive production is exactly what independent horror should be about. It also makes the case that the slasher genre itself has not even begun to fulfill its full potential. All the genre really needs is filmmakers like these who are not afraid to REALLY shuffle the deck before dealing the cards.

NOTE: Hey, that's the new Mrs. Voorhees NANA VISITOR playing Angie's ma!

ALSO: Check out BABYSITTER WANTED's official site HERE.

The Kids of Crystal Lake

Posted on By unkle lancifer


With a remake of FRIDAY THE 13TH just around the corner, I think it's time we take a look at the role kids have played in the Crystal Lake saga. Their significance has not been entirely consistent throughout the series, but their presence on several occasions created formidable and lasting waves…


FRIDAY THE 13TH
Aw look it's little Jason whose imagined drowning death sparked more than a decade's long bloodbath! Flashback scenes reveal two omnipresent qualities in the young man, first of all he had a face only a mother could love and secondly he's no MARK SPITZ! Less you think he was just a tragic victim, he pops up at film's end to involve himself in one of the greatest most startling shocker finales in the history of horror!


FRIDAY THE 13TH: PART 2
Remember this kid? PART 2 begins with him jumping around in puddles and just barely missing being jumped on himself by a now grown, adult Jason Voorhees. No kid likes to have to come in when called by mom but this guy should be very thankful he did. If Jason has taught us one thing it is to always heed your mother!


FRIDAY THE 13TH PART4: THE FINAL CHAPTER
Tommy Jarvis (COREY FELDMAN) stands supreme as the ultimate FRIDAY child; not only did he accomplish what so many had tried and failed to do by ending Jason's mortal life, but he also had quite a talent for suspiciously SAVINI-esque make-up effects. Voyeuristic tendencies aside, this Crystal Lake critter is a true hero!


FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 5: A NEW BEGINNING
When DIFF'RENT STROKES' "Dudley" shows up, trouble is not far behind. Having narrowly avoided the cruel fate of being a bicycle shop owner's bride, poor Dudley (SHAVAR ROSS here as "Reggie") now has to face off against Señor Voorhees. Why so serious Dudster? That's not Jason, it's just a bonkers ambulance driver avenging the death of his son who was a recent casualty of a violent candy bar dispute!


FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 6: JASON LIVES
You don't have to be Benjamin Franklin to know that lightening has the power to reanimate the dead. In this installment Jason comes back to life only to find that, for the first time ever, Camp Crystal Lake is crawling with kiddie campers! This little girl is named Nancy and she is plagued by bad dreams in what must be a baiting nod to competing franchise A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET!


FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 7: THE NEW BLOOD
Little Tina here is a pint sized Carrie White sans the oppressive Catholic upbringing. With her awesome psychic powers she smashes her beloved daddy beneath a dock but don't worry, he'll show up again years later and not looking any worse for the wear!


FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 8: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN
We've gone full circle and the little Jason that drowned in the lake is kicking his way back into our universe via blurry flashbacks again! This time he's looking less mongo-licious than we remember, but then that's nothing compared to how stupid adult Jason looks later when he takes off his mask. This unloved addition to our story is not without its bright spots, but ultimately I must quote the GREEN ACRES theme song "Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside!"

So you see, kids really did play a large part in the FRIDAY franchise even if they sat out the 3-D one and declined traveling with Jason into hell and outer space. In fact, a conversation between two children supplies my favorite line in the entire series. In PART 6 JASON LIVES, two little boys are shown hiding under a bed and awaiting what appears to be their inevitable doom at the hands of Jason. One boy turns to the other and deadpans "So, what WERE you going to be when you grew up?"

The Boogey Man (1980)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

One of the very first horror movies that I ever caught on VHS was 1980's THE BOOGEY MAN directed by ULLI LOMMEL. It's box art and title had me assuming I would be viewing something along the same lines as HALLOWEEN. Boy, was I in for a surprise. Sure the opening scenes visually crib from JOHN CARPENTER's classic and the title is an obvious cash-in, but that's where the similarities end. If you're looking for subtle nuance or even a vague feigning of good taste just let THE BOOGEY MAN, as Dionne Warwick sang, "Walk on by." This movie though, as rough around the edges, derivative and generic as it sometimes is, just can't help being strangely disturbing in it's own way. The opening kill alone should be in the kindertrauma hall of fame.

Let's face it, HALLOWEEN's Judith Myers had a pretty good life up until her brother snuffed it out. Not so with THE BOOGEY MAN's young brother and sister team Lacey and Willy (NATASHA SCHIANO and JAY WRIGHT) who, when we open the picture, live in the kind of f-ed up environment that wouldn't befall Judith Myers until ROB ZOMBIE got a hold of her years later. When we first meet these wide-eyed siblings they are spying on their drunken wreck of a mother as she seduces a butch bruiser in the family living room. We never see the guy's face clearly because soon mom's kinky pantyhose fetish comes to light and he is wearing said hose on his face.

I'm not sure why but this pantyhose disguise routine was popular on crime shows back in the day and I don't mind telling you that it always creeped the hell out of me. I mean, props to mom for getting her groove on but this ain't the type you want hanging around your kids! That obvious fact is made even clearer when the kids are caught spying and, under the approving eye of drunk mommy, the little boy is tied up and gagged to a bed and then slapped for good measure. Luckily sis in her candy cane stripped pajamas knows exactly where the family keeps the butcher knife so she cuts loose her bro. Once free lil' Willy, as boys will often do, decides it's high time to stab pantyhose face in the spine as he bumps ugglies with trashy ma in that oddest of make-out joints the bedroom.

What else do you need to know about this movie? 20 years later the kids are grown (and f-d) up and played by real life brother sister team SUZANNA and NICHOLAS LOVE (Suzanne was LUMMEL's BARBEAU at the time.) They are desperately trying to get over their serious DR. PHIL baggage but Willy is so damn shell shocked he's gone mute. Sis Lacey makes the brilliant decision to revisit her past in order to heal (don't try this at home folks!) but ends up freeing the dead dude from a mirror he's been hanging out in so that he can brutally demolish everybody she comes into contact with.

THE BOOGEY MAN is a cheap, synth scored, runaway train but there are so many ideas (both original AND stolen) bouncing around that you kind of just have to sit back in awe. There are plenty of amazing deaths (the kissing double murder by a knife through two open mouths is inspired) but if gore ain't your bag you'll be happy to know that people are routinely speaking in demonic voices, shooting light beams out of their eyeballs and hovering above the ground too. I'm telling you, this supernatural slash-a-thon knows no bounds! In fact, the creepy windows from THE AMITYVILLE HORROR even stop by for a spell (pretty amazing when you consider those windows totally snubbed THE AMITYVILLE CURSE!) THE BOOGEY MAN is strewn with some choppy editing and technical problems galore but its willingness to be as deranged as it wants to be (scary pantyhose face included) leaves a lasting impression.

P.S. O.K I admit it, I did rewind over and over again the part where the brat gets a window (the non-AMITYVILLE type) smashed down on his head. Does that make me a bad person? Aw, who asked ya!

Kindertrauma Movie of the Year :: Let The Right One In

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Look at that damned calendar! The year is over!! What the heck?! Remember good ol' last year when we were able to do an overview of all the creepy kids that appeared in horror films over the year? Sure you do, it's HERE. Well, what in the name of Rhoda Penmark are we supposed to do this year? Sure, kids appeared on the sidelines in movies like MIRRORS, but their presence seemed only required so that they could mutter faux-creepy slogans for use as gotcha moments in the movie's trailers. THE ORPHANAGE ruled for sure, but one movie does not an end of year overview make and technically it was made in 2007.

If you're anything like the frightening voices that torment me nonstop in my head, you're probably screaming in a twisted hag voice "Unkle Lancifer, you need to get out more!" Yes, countless hours were wasted this year playing Lego Playstation games, I'll grant you that, but remember I live in Bumblef*ck where the only films on the theater marquee are ROCHELLE, ROCHELLE and THE FLOWER THAT DRANK THE MOON. Adding insult to unjustifiable rationalization, TRICK R' TREAT is still sadly M.I.A. and the U.K. flick THE CHILDREN is yet (to my knowledge) to jump across the pond.

What was I to do? How was I to make any kind of statement about kids in horror in 2008? I think there was a kid in that French movie FRONTIERS, I assume there was a zombie tyke in QUARANTINE, and didn't some kids try to warn people to stay clear of THE RUINS? A spiraling spurious non-list began to form in my mind's eye. Who was I kidding? Then, there I was at my wits end and fantasizing about fashioning a noose from NERDS ROPE when I received a message from a carrier vulture named Saint Antonio Sanchez informing me that maybe perhaps I should check out LET THE RIGHT ONE IN…

LET THE RIGHT ONE IN makes up for everything, and it saved my year. I'm not just saying this because I was on the precipice of the abyss when we met; I mean it. Even outside the realm of horror it may be the best movie of the year, it certainly and without question is the Kindertraumiest. Aunt John has no say in this matter whatsoever; I'm prepared to skip camp if rebuffed. I, with the power of Grayskull and inspired by this unique film, have decreed that a new award must be forged for future years and that award is the KINDERTRAUMA MOVIE OF THE YEAR! That's right, it's official, LET THE RIGHT ONE IN is KINDERTRAUMA MOVIE OF THE YEAR! We must all listen to MORRISSEY (to whom it owes its title) today in celebration.

What is so special about this movie and what can I tell you about it without ruining it? First of all, I'd just like to say this movie does not spaz out and get all up in your face. That is very important to me. It's calm and peaceful yet stand warned, it's not afraid to smack you around a little when you start feeling too secure and cozy. It's about actual human connection, how we change the people who come into our lives and how they change us. More importantly, it shows how outsiders can identify themselves in each other and gather strength from their alliance. (Call me nuts but REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE and THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE sprung to my mind not to mention E.T. with a taste for blood). To top it all off there is mucho snow (my cinematic Achilles heal) and the whole thing is filmed as simply and as exquisitely as humanly possible.

It is a "horror" movie for sure, but I have to point out that it reflects the actual universe that we live in far more accurately than most non-horror films (Certainly more than all the superhero, wedding disaster and dopey buddy flicks released this year combined). This is the real deal folks. The main characters may be twelve (even twelve for a looooong time) but their ability to bond without judgment and care for each other is something you rarely get to see in films that feature characters of any age.

Less you think I'm reviewing SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING COFFIN, I should inform you that many people die undeserving deaths within this film and at the hands of these spiritual and soulful characters. Well, what can I tell you? You got to break eggs before you devil them and I'm so enamored with these kooky kids that if that's what keeps 'em writing love notes and teaching each other the Rubik's Cube, so be it. (By the way, apparently there is no moral question in my mind concerning the film's final poolside massacre as I laughed whole heartily and gleefully all through it, I may have even clapped).

I really don't want to say much more as I don't want to spoil anything, but GO see this movie! If it's not playing around you yet go buy the book it's based on by JOHN AJIDE LINDQVIST instead (I'm devouring it now). This is the type of horror tale that comes around far too rarely and, like a long lost soul mate, it lifts the genre up to a whole new level.

P.S. Many films have attempted the proverbial "attacked by cats" scene with questionable to borderline comical results. This is due to the rookie mistake of actually throwing live cats onto people in order to simulate the melee. Not so in LET THE RIGHT ONE IN, I'm so happy now that somebody has finally done it right!

Babes In Toyland by Kinderpal LaDracul

Posted on By kinderpal la dracul

Hey Kiddies! Your Unkle Lancifer and Aunt John found this nifty review from Kinderpal LaDracul stuck in our Christmas stocking this year! We had almost forgot what a weird trippy nightmare this made-for-television version of BABES IN TOYLAND is. Big thanks to LaDracul for reminding us!

Unlike the LAUREL & HARDY classic MARCH OF THE WOODEN SOLDIERS or the 1961 Disney version with ANNETTE FUNICELLO, the T.V. version of BABES IN TOYLAND from 1986 was pretty darned scary. Nosferatu, compost monsters, a one eyed bird whose eye was like a crystal ball…what was this doing in a Christmas movie, you ask?

The story starts out with a girl named Lisa (DREW BARRYMORE) who is 11 and more concerned with being a homemaker rather than just being a kid. Her sister Mary (JILL SCHOELEN from POPCORN and the ROBERT ENGLUND version of PHANTOM OF THE OPERA) works at a toyshop for her horrible boss Mr. Barney (RICHARD MULLIGAN from SOAP and EMPTY NEST) a guy who is dishonest and makes sexual advances on her. Ick. Also working there are Jack (a then unknown KEANU REEVES) and his friend George (GOOGY GRESS from STUCK ON YOU) who can't stand their boss either. On Christmas Eve, a storm blows through their town of Cincinatti (which I'm wondering how many times it's mentioned in this film), events similar to the beginning of THE WIZARD OF OZ take place, the four heroes are rushing home in Jack's jeep when Lisa falls out on her new sled, hitting a tree and somehow landing in Toyland.

Toyland is filled with two groups: Nursery Rhyme people and Furries. Lots and lots of Furries. But the Furries aren't the disturbing part. Lisa crash lands into a huge wedding cake meant for a wedding that's not supposed to take place. A girl named Mary Contrary is being made to marry Barnaby Barnacle, a very unwashed old man who dresses like a Visual Kei artist and has two dumb, impervious to sunlight Nosferatu that sound like the Tasmanian Devil. The only reason Mary would even consent to this is because he owns her house, and he's keeping her from the man she really likes, Jack Nimble, Jr. It turns out Barnaby is also Jack's uncle, and is preventing him from rightfully taking over his late father's cookie factory. And Barnaby has gone too far this time-he and the creepy Nosferatu have taken the cookies underground and blamed Jack for stealing them. Fortunately, Lisa is willing to do what's right for her new friends, even breaking Jack out of jail.

But they all need help, so they go to the Toymaster (PAT effin' MORITA), who's revealed to them that he's bottled up the essence of evil, to keep it in safe keeping. Of course, Barnaby finds this out through Trollog, this Cyclops bird that looks like a SID & MARTY KROFFT reject that has a crystal ball eye. So he's sent his goons to capture the good guys and get the bottle, but Lisa outsmarts the bird by having it peck at their ropes, painting up its eye, and locking him in a trunk. Of course, this just makes Barnaby intent on making Lisa his new Trollog, and turning the others into monsters. But she's determined not to let that happen as she sings that Cincinatti song from the beginning of the movie and then they're all singing and break out to defeat the trolls, that look like compost heaps.

I'll spare the details on what happens, but you get:

  • The world's worst go-cart chase
  • KEANU punching out EMPTY NEST guy
  • Happy Ending and Ending ripped off from THE WIZARD OF OZ

I was surprised to find out the late PAUL ZINDEL (who wrote a lot of terrific young adult books) was also the screenwriter. I don't know why the filmmakers decided to blatantly rip off THE WIZARD OF OZ, but it was still better than THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS.

Apaches

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Ages ago, kinderpal Grokenstein mentioned a public information film from the U.K. entitled APACHES in our comments section. I wrote the title down on a post-it and stuck it on my computer where it has stared me in the face for months. I finally got around to catching the 26-minute-long 1977 film today and let me tell you, Grokenstein was not exaggerating about how disturbing it is. In fact, I found myself flinching more than once. The story concerns six children who play cowboys and Indians on a rural farm in England. One by one their reckless behavior causes them to die painful deaths until only one remains. It's sort of like a precursor to FINAL DESTINATION, starring kids. Directed by JOHN MACKENZIE (THE LONG GOOD FRIDAY), APACHES shows just enough to horrify (and work as a stern warning) and lets your imagination do the rest. All I know is that I just scrapped all my plans to retire to the countryside in my old age. After APACHES, I'll take my chances in the far less dangerous city!

Note: Watch APACHES! Here are parts ONE, TWO and THREE!

Satan's Little Helper

Posted on By unkle lancifer

During the tenth month of the year, just about any horror movie is welcome around these parts. Horror movies that are centered around the Halloween holiday itself are treated like V.I.P.s. It's a pointless endeavor to ever expect any of these movies to compete with JOHN CARPENTER's 1978 masterstroke but who cares? The search is its own reward. Sometimes you get a pleasant surprise like SATAN'S LITTLE HELPER, a movie that may not inspire you to lock your doors and bolt your windows, but delivers a general atmosphere of unfettered mischief that perfectly reflects the holiday itself.

Little Dougie Whooly's (ALEXANDER BRICKEL) video game inspired idolization of Satan is taken to the test when he imagines he meets his hero on Halloween night. In actuality, he has stumbled across a genuine masked killer on the rampage but Dougie's desire to live out his fantasy life blinds him to reality again and again. Jumping head first into the role of protégé, Dougie keeps a look out while the masked killer "Satan Man" massacres his neighbors, delighting in the bloodshed that he believes they are racking up "points" for. It's only when he discovers that he has endangered his family (mom is played by the always entertaining AMANDA PLUMMER) that that he begins to see his "master" in a new light.

"Satan man" and his apprentice's ability to blur the line between video game and reality hits a high score in a grocery store parking lot where they gleefully crash their shopping cart into a pregnant woman, a baby carriage and a cane-carrying blind man. It's this type of cartoony, slapstick black-humor that keeps things from getting too scary, but trust me it's worth the trade off. As much as this is a larky good time SATAN'S LITTLE HELPER does deliver its fair share of tense creepy little moments. If you have ever laughed at a Halloween costume only to find yourself with a moment of discomfort where you question its wearer's intentions, you'll recognize much of that feeling of dread here.

Writer/Director JEFF LIEBERMAN is the real deal. Not only did he grace us with the cult classics SQUIRM and BLUE SUNSHINE, but he's also the man behind slasher favorite JUST BEFORE DAWN. There are many interesting ideas bouncing around inside this particular treat bag. He explores the effects of domestic abuse, religion and media violence, and there is a constant preoccupation with the consistency in which people allow their preconceived notions to cloud their minds. All of these ideas come into play at regular intervals without ever dragging the action down. It's not a perfect film and many might be turned off by it's obviously meager budget but it's definitely the product of a lot of thought and imagination. If you are searching for a fresh modern take on the holiday look no further, SATAN'S LITTLE HELPER aims to please.

Mr. Boogedy

Posted on By step-nephew redboy

AUNT JOHN SEZ: Kids, looks like your UNKLE LANCIFER and I have yet another parent/drill sergeant meeting at the esteemed Valley Forge Feline Military Boot Camp. Apparently, our ginger-furred stepson Gato Malo faces expulsion after disrupting the school's semi-bi-annual competitive spaghetti eating contest. On such short notice, we manged to wrangle our step-nephew REDBOY of old-timey music blog Blues for the RedBoy into babysitting Kindertrauma Castle for the day. Please be on your best behavior while REDBOY discusses the Disney traumatizer MR. BOOGEDY. Take it away REDBOY!

Every child, it would seem, is destined for that one initial break from normalcy in which the security of their adolescent world is shaken to its very foundations by something which, while initially frightening, is, in hindsight, actually incredibly stupid.

Debate rages as to what purpose such developmental devices serve, whether or not it is to insulate the child mentally against the adversity of a difficult world or, as I believe, to teach the child that clowns, gnarly trees, ventriloquist dummies and people with spinal meningitis should be given a wide birth.

In spite of such consensus from the scientific community, that robot chick from SUPERMAN 3 still freaks me the hell out 20 years after the fact. I still find myself mildly disturbed at the thought of Augustus Gloop drowning in chocolate while a pack of lazy adults look on and I still find MR. BOOGEDY rather off-putting.

What? What do you mean Kindertrauma has no reference to MR. BOOGEDY?

Sacrilege!

At a time when Disney and their fascist regime of cartoon animals were less inclined to protect their intellectual property at knifepoint, somebody managed to drop the ball and let this little wart slip through to the development phase.

In the spirit of such forgotten properties as SONG OF THE SOUTH and THE BLACK CAULDRON, MR. BOOGEDY, while not overtly racist, would share SOUTH's same fate by virtue of its strangeness – an attribute not generally in keeping with the singing rodents and copyright lawyers which people the 'Magic Kingdom'.


The general story of MR. BOOGEDY – first aired on network T.V. in 1986 – involves the Davis family (DAVID FAUSTINO, CHRISTY SWANSON, etc.) who move to the New England community of Lucifer Falls (Hmmm) only to find that their new home is haunted by several ghosts, including the title character: a devil-dealing, murdering, scar-faced magical ghost-pilgrim (?!?!?).

Having befriended the resident ghost of a little boy (a colonial era victim of Boogedy), the three Davis children, along with the help of JOHN ASTIN (awesome!), attempt to steal Boogedy's magic cloak (on loan from the Devil, as seen in a weird psychedelic flashback), all the while trying to convince their irritatingly irresponsible parents that it is indeed ghosts leaving slimy footprints on the ceiling, and not just their imagination.


I know it must sound anything but frightening, and what with dancing mummies and the ole' piano playing by itself gag, one could easily make that case, but to my still developing adolescent brain, the specter of the burnt faced, cackling quaker-oats-guy freaked me the hell out. Especially creepy were the scenes in which he didn't even appear, rather his presence suggested by some prodigious off screen breathing, and P.O.V. shots as seen through outside windows and from behind basement shelving.

BOOGEDY proved popular enough to garner a sequel (BRIDE OF BOOGEDY), and it too managed some traumatic moments, including a possessed, levitating RICHARD MASUR floating down the hall screaming "Boogedy Boo!" in an over modulated voice. It wasn't long after BRIDE OF BOOGEDY's premiere that Disney made a play to consolidate its wholesome image, canning its more controversial characters and slapping a singing side-kick onto every piece of computer generated crap they cranked out.

Suddenly dead children, Satan and possession were too good for the likes of Michael Eisner.

Upon second viewing, BOOGEDY, like most other traumatic children's fare, does not hold up particularly well when it's seams come to light, but the fact that it holds up at all given its rather short shift is an indication of just how strange it truly is. And just as Disney boasts it's legendary vault in 'Limited Time' sales pushes, so too must there invariably be a broom closet in the bowels of the Magic Kingdom; a haunted place where MR. BOOGEDY, Uncle Remus and Disneyland's accident reports are kept from prying eyes. Who knows, perhaps some day they will again come to light.

It's a small world after-all.

A small, dark, terrible world.