Category: Tykes in Trouble

 

  After a picnic is called off due to a sudden shower, Ben Holden (CHARLES BATEMAN) his girlfriend Nikky (AHNA CAPRI) and his little girl K.T. (future phony Jan Brady GERI REISCHL) find themselves witness to a brutal car accident. They report the incident in a nearby town only to find the inhabitants of said town hostile and verging on insane. Once more, all attempts to flee the area are nixed by supernatural forces. Seems oldster Satanists have infiltrated the community and they need X amount of tots to complete a body switching ritual and lil K.T is primo material.Having watched this PG-rated 70's Satan flick years ago on VHS and being mostly unimpressed, I have to say the DVD presentation is another story altogether. Vibrant colors, bizarre camera angles and a generally unnerving atmosphere diluted by the pan and scan edition are here perfectly represented. The story structure is indeed off putting, but it adds to the general sense of confusion and non-reality that becomes a strong point for the film. Hallucinations, nightmare logic and loose ends swirl in a molten mixture of pure post-ROSEMARY'S BABY, Me-decade occult-infused surrealism. Don't expect answers and don't expect a victorious climax. BROTHERHOOD OF SATAN is more interested in slowly crawling up your spine than having you at the edge of your seat. I have probably used the adjective "creepy" on this site a thousand times, but after watching this nonsensical dance with the devil in its proper aspect ratio, I have a brand new appreciation for its meaning. What we have here is an under-appreciated classic that demands revaluation. 

• Toy tank is used to flatten car
• The nutzo crying baby doll that shakes and kills
• Nicky's crazy dream
• The horseman statue that comes to life and causes a decapitation
• The priest checks out some MONSTER BRAINS worthy satanic illustrations
• STROTHER MARTIN (SSSSSS) blissfully bounces off the walls as the leader of the coven. The final scenes with the elderly standing next to the children that they will soon inhabit is as humorous as it is disturbing

            

The Zorba family has come under some rough financial times. In fact, their furniture is being repossessed ‘cuz Pops forgot to pay the bills! Just like in real life, their rich uncle immediately drops dead and leaves them his entire estate in their hour of need. There's just one catch, they have to dress up as ladies to live there! Oh wait, that's BOSOM BUDDIES! No, the catch is the place is haunted by twelve ghosts who want one of the Zorbas to join them and become the 13th!(Get the title?) Did I mention maid services will be provided by ye ol' hatchet face MARGARET HAMILTON who just may be a witch? Quite a stretch, huh? Throw in the usual conniving, money-loving lawyer looking for some hidden loot (played by ADAM-12's MARTIN MILNER) and you almost have a movie. What's missing? ILLUSION-O, the incredible tool that allows you to choose whether you want to see the effects that were shot for the film! This amazing cardboard device with red and blue clear plastic filters, was a gimmick created by WILLIAM CASTLE that, when used correctly, inhibits the viewer from ever getting properly immersed in his film. Novel as it may be, it wears out its welcome fast and becomes grossly annoying. Give me the ILLUSION-O-free television broadcast version any time. I need my hands free for beer swigging, I mean popcorn. With or without the cardboard menace, 13 GHOSTS, an alleged classic, will probably leave modern viewers over the age of 13 wanting more. Directed with all the flair of an episode of HAZEL, there are few real shocks here, (although sis' encounter with a monstrous dead uncle zombie is effective) any sense of danger is destroyed by the characters bizarrely casual responses to having things like meat cleavers thrown at them. In actuality, real terror was probably not the goal at all, just a larky haunted house goof equivalent to an unenthusiastic game of "light as a feather, stiff as a board". On that level, it works fine. So if you have to watch a movie with your Granny, and your Granny happens to be 10 years old, this is the pick for you!

• The opening credits are the highlight of the film
• Cook ghost with cleaver
• Headless tamer and lion ghost
• Money in the staircase!
• The amazing squash-you bed
• The "Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies!" winking epilogue

 

Lila Lee (the late, great Venus of the drive-in CHERYL "RAINBEAUX" SMITH) is as pure as the driven snow. In spite of, or perhaps because of, her estranged father's gangster reputation, she is revered as a living angel by the church congregation she sings for. One day she receives a mysterious letter inviting her to come to the town of Astaroth. Her father is said to be ill and longing for her forgiveness. Sneaking away from her obviously smitten Reverend guardian (Director RICHARD BLACKBURN), she stows away in the back of a car and begins a journey that threatens the corruption of her body and soul at every turn. The letter was in fact a rouse designed by Lemora (LESLIE GILB), a powerful Vampiric woman who, like most others who encounter Lila, is bent on possessing her. Archetypal creatures; Beast men, grizzled hags and eerie giggling munchkins abound in this shoe-string budgeted, Southern gothic fairy tale obsessed with the destruction of innocence. With its indigo blacks and exuberant jolts of color LEMORA resembles a children's minimalist stage play production when it's not echoing masterworks like NIGHT OF THE HUNTER and even the forthcoming SUSPIRIA. It's occasional amateurishness may prevent some viewers from becoming completely engaged, but if you give in to its lyrical logic, it's a hauntingly singular experience. This PG-rated oddity centering on the sexualization of a 13-year-old is certainly one of the most unusual vampire films ever made. (CHERYL SMITH's real life submission to the Dionysian path through heroin addiction adds yet another layer to the already fraught with allegory film.) Ignored and even rallied against upon its release, LEMORA has sown a reputation and a feverish fan base over the decades. At once childish and yet alarmingly sophisticated, this is one quietly effective mood piece that may might not scare you senseless but might just invade your dreams.  

• That scary candy offering ticket salesman
• The beast creatures attack the bus
• That witch lady's creepy song
• Lemora gives Lila a bath
• Lila reunited with pops
• Lila is reunited with the Rev

 

  

 

 THE CURSE is one strange little movie. Directed by American actor DAVID KEITH (FIRESTARTER) and produced by Italian gore Maestro LUCIO FULCI, this spaghetti-garnished hot dog, though sometimes heartburn inducing, is at least original in flavor. Slime oozing to the strums of a banjo being picked?…irresistible! WILL WEATON is Zack, a kid that's learning that mixed families don't always mean A VERY BRADY CHRISTMAS. He, along with kid sis Alice (real life sibling AMY WHEATON) are suffering through mom's decision to wed a religious fanatic (CLAUDE AKINS) who comes complete with a fat bully son (CHRISTINE's MALCOLM DANARE). One night, while mom is satisfying an itch step Dad won't scratch with a hairy handyman, a meteor crashes. This giant glowing ball spews fluorescent junk across their farm and contaminates the water supply. Soon a bounty of giant veggies is produced and it seems like a gift from God. Unfortunately when any of the harvest is bitten into or sliced, maggots and slime pour out. Suddenly God's gift looks more like a booby prize for mom's indiscretions. Speaking of mom, she's not looking so hot, giant horn-like zits are beginning to appear on her face and she's acting kinda crazy. Did she really just sew her hand into the sock she was mending? Like most crazy people, mom is quickly hid away from company but soon step Dad and his mean son start to look peeked as well. (WILL and sis were smart enough to go off the farm's crop as soon as the animals started acting wonky). As we get further along towards the climax, things get less and less heartland Americana and more and more blood soaked FULCI-cana. Mom literally ends up looking like a pile of shit and the scary step family gets all pig faced and starts brandishing pitchforks. At the eleventh hour Duke boy JOHN SCHNEIDER, a bespeckled water inspector, lends a helping hand, but by this point we've already seen the house change from real to a miniature model which can only mean one thing… kablooey! Based on THE COLOUR OUT OF SPACE by H.P. LOVECRAFT and filtered through a FULCI-funnel, KEITH's kooky salute to flesh nausea makes up for its weaknesses with sheer good old fashion weirdness.

• Mom gets a gross puss squirt in the eye from a tomato
• Alice is attacked by chickens
• Mom "connecting the dots" on her step son's injured buttocks 
• The aforementioned sock mending scene…
• Cow explosion!
• Looking like an ENERGY HOG Cyrus (DANARE) attacks Alice in her bedroom

 

     

 

 Young Amy Reed (ANN CARTER) knows that one of the many benefits of being a child is that the line between reality and fantasy is easily crossed. Trouble is, she's having problems navigating the return trip. This not only irks the ire of her fellow classmates, but also severely disappoints her father Oliver (KENT SMITH). Unfortunately his daughter's flights of fancy echo those of his deceased ex-wife Irena (SIMONE SIMON) who, in his mind, also had difficulty keeping her feet on the ground of provable reality. Making matters exceedingly worse is that Amy's new secret, make-pretend play pal is dead Irena herself! Father and daughter battle wills. Oliver sees Amy as a dreamy headed liar and Amy is crushed that he has no faith in her. Irena's presence is actually surprisingly nurturing  all things considered (she tried to off Amy's mom in the original CAT PEOPLE), and she takes on a guardian angel type role for the girl. The real danger lies in the gothic mansion Amy has been visiting. Scary old lady Farren is harmless, but her estranged jealous daughter (equally feline ELIZABETH RUSSELL) sees Amy as a threat coming between her and the mother who denies her. Producer VAL LEWTON went out of his way NOT to deliver the psychosexual horror sequel audiences (and RKO) were clawing for. Instead he delivers a personal film about miscommunication between parents and their children and the ominous scary world such conflict breeds. True, it's not the full on horror show its predecessor was, but for those who beg for originality in a sequel your wish has been granted. Strangely, because of this difference in tone, some have even questioned if CURSE is indeed a horror film at all. Well, it's partially directed by ROBERT WISE (THE HAUNTING) and involves a ghost, a traditional looking haunted house, the headless horseman and a sinister looking spinster bent on strangling a kid. You may not find the interiors running red with blood, but they are soaked in the darkest shadows ever filmed. Like little Amy, what you see within those shadows is up to you. CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE is a real groundbreaker when it comes to showing the inner workings of a trouble youngster's mind (PAN'S LABYRINTH owes a debt). It is sensitive, even delicate, but that does not disqualify it as a horror film. Any child could tell you that.    

• Irena's first ethereal appearance
• The magic tree mailbox is on the fritz!
• Irena's picture burning in the fireplace
• As with all VAL LEWTON's films, the cinematography through out is uniformly exquisite but Amy's flight from imagined danger through a snowstorm is especially breathtaking

 

            

After her husband is killed in a car crash on his thirty-sixth birthday, mother of four Corrine Dollanganger (VICTORIA TENNANT) falls on to financial hard times. Rather than take a secretarial position or even a cashier job at the local food store, Corrine packs up her alliteratively named brood, Chris, Cathy (KRISTY SWANSON), and twins Cory and Carrie and returns to the mind-boggling mansion of her estranged parents. One of the caveats of the flaxen-haired family's stay is that the ailing Grandfather must never know of the children's existence, so that Corrine may work her way back into his good graces. The children are kept locked away in a room with twin beds and attic access, and Corrine assures them that it will just be a temporary housing solution, as her father is not much longer for this world. What Corrine neglects to tell her kids is that their late father was actually her uncle (awkward!), however their austere, Bible-banging Grandmother (LOUISE FLETCHER) is quick to inform the children that they are nothing more than the Devil's spawn in her judgmental eyes. The kids try to make the most of their house arrest situation and transform the cobweb-riddled attic into a pretty sweet playroom complete with a ballet bar so Cathy may practice her dance moves. The passage of time is marked by the changes of the leaves on tree outside the attic window, and as visits from Corrine decline, the violent cruelty of the Grandmother escalates. Due to lack of sunlight, the siblings develop a heavy pancake makeup pallor, and the twins' health seriously declines. It takes the death of Cory to finally get the "We really should devise a solid escape plan and get the hell out of here before we end up dead too" fires burning under Chris and Cathy's assess. On their way out of the mansion, they learn that their Grandfather has been dead for almost two months, and although their mother was reinstated into his will, she will be re-disinherited if there is any proof of offspring from her first marriage to her uncle. It just so happens that their mother is getting remarried in a ballroom on the ground floor of the mansion, and the surviving Dollanganger kids raise their objections rather than hold their peace.When it comes to turning novels into feature films, it's standard operating procedure that certain elements of the text will be lost in the adaptation. One of the key themes to V.C. Andrews best-selling novel was the incestuous yearnings between the older siblings which culminated with Cathy's rape by Chris. Aside from a furtive glance of Cathy in the bathtub by Chris, FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC turns a blind eye to the brother-on-sister action, and ends up feeling more like a watered-down made-for-tv movie.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• Grandmother is rather handy with a bull whip, and forces Corrine to show the kids the deep lash wounds on her back
• Cathy gets a haircut from Grandmother, and follow-up trim by Chris
• As the groundskeeper buries Cory, the camera pulls back to show three pre-dug graves for the other of the Dollanganger kids
• Cathy bitch slaps Corrine so hard that she topples over a balcony and ends up being hung by her wedding veil

Two bounty hunters from outer space who can absorb the identity of anyone around them are hired to hunt down a group of escapees from a prison asteroid. These on-the-run aliens are really on-the-roll as they're in the form of fuzzy bowling bowls with countless teeth and shootable poisonous quills. Like most new arrivals to Earth their first stop is DEE WALLACE STONE's house. Here Dee is a Midwestern farmer's wife with two kids, a precocious ginger boy (SCOTT GRIMES) and a daughter preoccupied with locking lips with a young BILLY ZANE. One of the bounty hunters quickly assumes the form of an ‘80s era rock star while the more fickle one assumes the identities of various townsfolk. Equipped with futuristic weapons, they aid the family in clearing the town of the terrorizing GREMLINS inspired mutant tumbleweeds. There's no real scares or gore here and the focus is more on quipy humor sometimes delivered in the hairy hooligans own tongue and subtitled for maximum comedic effect. By films end, the stakes are raised when a giant sized critter joins the fray but all ends well with the miraculous reverse collapse of the family home complete with reconstructed mailbox with beloved family feline CHEWY residing within safe from harm and flying quills.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S)

• Horribly accurate mid-eighties music video
• Critter language has a facsimile for the F word
• Critter rips E.T. doll to shreds
• Village idiot turns out to be virtuoso at baseball and Molotov cocktail throwing
• One well-placed firecracker destroys critter spacecraft
• Dad's GHOSTBUSTERS-esque bowling shirt

Glenn (a young STEPHEN DORFF), his pal Terry and his big sister "Al" (CHRISTA DENTON from NOT MY KID) are shouldering some new found responsibility, not only are they spending the weekend sans guardians, but they've also accidentally, through a string of missteps that include bloodletting, animal sacrifice and incantation, kinda-sorta opened the doorway to hell. That doorway is a bad thing cuz the creeps who plan to use it are "the old ones" — ancient Lovecrafty monsters that used to inhabit our world and are itching to get it back. (Thankfully Terry is a metal head and got a heads up by playing an LP backwards.) Can they close THE GATE and save the planet from an eternity of darkness? Well it's either that or re-title the picture DON'T TELL MOM THE WHOLE WORLD IS DEAD! This fun nostalgic romp will instantly bring you back to the time of first sleepovers complete with basement wreck rooms, flashlights, ghost stories and levitation experiments. Brimming with some of the most creative special effects ever put to screen, it's easy to overlook the script's earnest attempts to tackle its characters less fantastic dilemmas. Terry has lost his mother recently and siblings Glen and Al's age difference is coming into play. An awkward time is perfectly captured as big sis Al throws away her dolls in exchange for trips to the mall, and Glen is left fending for himself and sweating the mortality of the family dog. These psychological demons are battled alongside miniature imp creatures, a relentless zombie and an enormous kraken-like overlord beast that tears through the house. Unabashedly soft-hearted (love saves the day), THE GATE is still no slouch when it comes to the gore, and you simply have not lived until you've seen somebody stabbed in the eye with a Barbie doll leg!

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• Dead mom turns into dead dog
• Bumpy moving walls and the hands under the bed
• The parents return evil… "YOU'VE BEEN BAD!"
• Terry falls into the gate, imps attack his leg
• Terry's made up story about a construction worker being stuck in the wall becomes real
• Giant demon breaks through the living room floor!
• Weapon of choice? Toy rocket!

After getting pinched for grand-theft auto, serial-widow-killer/preacher Harry Powell (ROBERT MITCHUM) spends some quality time in the pokey with Ben Harper (PETER GRAVES), a father of two sentenced to death for killing two men and stealing $10,000. Preacher Powell takes note of the never-recovered cash, and upon his release makes his way into the heart of Harper's young widow Willa (SHELLEY WINTERS). Powell's scripture spouting routine fools everyone in town, except for Willa's young son John (BILLY CHAPIN) who kept a promise to his father to never reveal that the money is stashed in his kid sister Pearl's rag doll. Powell quickly dispenses of Willa with his trusty switchblade when she realizes that he only married for the money, and sets his sadistic sights on the two children. John and Pearl escape down the river in a rowboat, and eventually find refuge in a makeshift orphanage run by the salt-of-the-Earth Rachel Cooper (LILLIAN GISH). Equally versed in the Bible, Mrs. Cooper sees through Powell's wolf-in-sheep's-clothing façade, and brings the deplorable deacon to justice with the aid of her even trustier shotgun.THE NIGHT OF THE HUNTER was, sadly, the only movie directed by veteran character actor CHARLES LAUGHTON ( THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME, ISLAND OF LOST SOULS). It almost seems as if he took a page out of ORSON WELLES' CITIZEN KANE playbook, and ran down the field for a touchdown with his masterful use of black-and-white cinematography. The shots, coupled with the skillful use of shadows, provides the film with the much-needed tension that elevates it beyond your basic good-vs.-evil/ cat-and-mouse structure. Most of the movie feels and looks like a painting come to life

ROBERT MITCHUM is undeniable in the bad-ass department, but he really meets his match in the slight frame of LILLIAN GISH. There's something to be said about maternal instincts and the powers that they hold. GISH, although portraying a God-fearing lady, subtlety conveys a "DO NOT FUCK WITH ME, OR THESE CHILDREN!" sentiment with a cock of her eyes upon meeting MITCHUM on her porch. The scene in which she holds an all-night vigil in her rocker with a shotgun, while Powell is outside singing, and she finishes the chorus to the ditty, is the first sign of peace this tense film allows.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• Mrs. Cooper surrounded by the chorus of disembodied kids heads in the opening sequence
• Preacher Powell's explanation for the tattoos on his hands
• SHELLEY WINTERS' watery grave scene in the car at the bottom of the lake
• John & Pearl barely escaping Powell on the basement steps (Why isn't this movie credited for initiating that horror-flick staple?)
• The lynch-mob scene (not unlike those featured on THE SIMPSONS) that forms outside of the courthouse

KAREN BLACK, watch your back! You think you own the corner on horror anthologies? Well, lil' DREW BARRYMORE has got some wigs up her sleeve too. She makes playing four separate characters look like child's play in this whisker-licking STEPHEN KING penned comedy-horror hybrid. Her first appearance? A magic mannequin that sets a wayward feline on a vision-quest. Ever played a mannequin before Karen? Didn't think so. Next up, Drew is JAMES WOOD's mentally handicapped child in the black comedy showcase "Quitters Inc." Here the unstoppable Drew sports oversized glasses, talks slower than normal, and is threatened with electrocution if her dad doesn't nix the nicotine.(Don't people usually get nominated for OSCARS when they go GUMP? I guess not when all of Hollywood is jealous of how cool you are, like in Drew's case!) This story is also laced with more danger for our cat pal who must escape being used as a guinea pig! In story two our little Drew is spotted in a cat food commercial wearing an ANNIE fro. Go Drew GO! It's called "The Ledge" and the cat's in it too, along with the meanest pigeon you've ever seen. He pecks ROBERT HAYS' foot while they're both a jillion stories high trying to escape a cuckoo cuckold from Jersey. Finally our Puss find's his way to the final story which is always the best one. This segment is named "General" and now so is our cat friend. He must protect America's darling from a harlequin-hooded troll that wants to steal her precious breath! General's major obstacle is Drew's bitch of a mom who won't listen to reason and thinks she's the center of the universe. This character was obviously based on real-life spaz JADE BARRYMORE. Anyway the dumbbell mom tries to put the cat to sleep but fails miserably and before you can say "euthanasia" General returns to save the day! And when I say "save the day" I mean participate in the rockingest throw down that has ever graced theater screens EVER! Now Drew and her Cat can live happily ever after and look forward to a future without wigs! 

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• This cat is so awesome that he foils both CUJO and killer car CHRISTINE both on the same day! If anyone knows how he configures into the DARKTOWER series please email me!
• ALAN KING rules as the head of "Quitters Inc."
• Suicide is not an option in a universe that is home to a film that features a cat putting a troll on a record player and then playing it faster with his paw at DREW BARRYMORE's command! This scene could put Bellevue out of business for good!