Hello children, Aunt John here with another one of my sure-fire entertaining tips. Normally, when one thinks of a birthday party, certain elements come to mind: balloons, streamers, ice cream cake, pony rides, presents, and even a birthday boy or girl. While all of these are normally involved, I'm here to tell you to start thinking outside of the birthday gift box. You see, as a hostess renowned for nothing but the most lavish and memorable of shing-digs, your Aunt John learned everything there is to know about party throwing from the 1973 classic THE BABY.
Honestly, it doesn't take too much to be a hostess with the mostest, simply follow these ten easy steps:
1. Parties should only be thrown as a cover for taking out your detractors. For example, say you are raising an adult child suffering from irreversible infantilism, and there is a pert-breasted social worker with ulterior motives nipping at your heels, invite her to a party at your house.
2. Go through the usual motions: blow up some balloons, throw some streamers about, stock up the bar, and bake a cake (or to save time, buy a day-old one on the discount rack at your local supermarket). Make your home looks super festive so the target thinks she's at just another birthday party.
3. Get your creepiest male friend (he really needs to wear a fringed suede jacket) to hit on the target. If anything, this will make her extremely uncomfortable and start the necessary pattern of distraction.
4. As hostess, it's incumbent upon you to look your best and surround yourself with the hottest men in the room. Might I suggest donning an animal print metallic tunic, and surrounding yourself with poor-man equivalents of LESLIE NEILSEN and The Big Ragoo. Make sure the target sees how sexy you look.
5. Get one your improbably good-looking daughters to engage the social worker in a friendly game of darts. Thanks to the target's competitive nature this friendly game will keep her eyes off her glass of punch. For added distraction, feel free to hire a TOM BOSLEY impersonator to cheer from the davenpaort.
6. Make yourself the center of attention -- you are the hostess after all -- by luring the LESLIE NEILSEN look-a-like in the pleather coat to the dance floor. Don't be afraid to bust the forbidden, dare I say Lambada style, dance moves!
7. Motion to your other, could-be-hot-but-has-the-weirdest-hair-ever, daughter to spike and switch out the target's glass of punch.
8. Wait for the target to imbibe her freshly laced drink.
9. When the sedative kicks in, quickly escort her from the party, under the guise that you will put her to bed. Take her to the basement and hog-tie her. She will be dealt with later.
10. Head back to the party and get your drink on... you are the hostess after all!
For our more visually oriented readers, please follow these instructions below:
Never heard of this film before. Looks like a good one for a late night, with some liquid companionship! 🙂
John said:
"and there is a pert-breasted social worker with ulterior motives nipping at your heels…"
That's just funny!
I love the Baby. It's a fave. Not one I can watch over and over, but one I love more each time I give it a go. So crazy odd, but almost like a TV movie too!!!
Love this article!!! Good work! Made my day!!!
Interesting movie………….and VERY disturbing at times! OK, there is the adult male kept in a state of infancy. Then older sister decides to climb in the crib and…………….well, no need to go further!!!! The "shock stick" scene was hard to look at too! BTW,  some of the cast could be considered "prototypes" for future stars. The social worker played by, Anjanette Comer, is a prototype for Sally Field while the blond sister could have been a prototype for Amy Poehler! Oh, and Marianna Hill's hair in that party sequence reminds me of mid 80's Nancy Wilson of Heart!Â
Oh my!
"surrounding yourself with poor-man equivalents of LESLIE NEILSEN and The Big Ragoo."
I am laughing so hard right now! Aunt John, you crack me up!
I absolutely agree that THE BABY does have its fair share of disturbing moments, and it does play like a warped made-for-T.V. movie… but that's what makes it so endearing. And that RUTH ROMAN… hubba, hubba! Seriously, it is one of my top 5 five faves.
I had NEVER heard of this movie, I watched it on YouTube, and I adore it! HILARIOUS! My other half knows how much I adore Kindertrauma and all things horriculous…and he saw the YouTube page and just shook his head. I'm really glad he didn't watch the babysitter scene.
@Nilbogette: YAY! I'm glad you liked it, and it probably was a good thing that your other-half missed that scene… though it is, as you say & I totally agree, H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S!
Classic kindertrauma! I remember being 5 and seeing the trailer for this on TV a number of times . It didn't scare me (unlike the trailer for MAGIC – THAT DUMMY! YOW!) so much as really *Really* disturb and confuse me. Why in the world would a grown-up act like a Baby? (I have a retarded brother, so I knew this was somehow different.) I just couldn't wrap my head around the concept, and believe me, I tried! The Baby followed me thru my pre-adolesence in late 70's and early 80's in the form of ads/blubs in video/film rental magazines that we had at school. I finally found a VHS copy around 1990 and sat and confronted it. 19 years later I own it on DVD as well. Still warps me out a bit, despite the total camp, over-the-top acting of Ruth Roman. I think Roger gives me a delayed sense of kindertrauma now…
I thought the guy in the first photo was a young Paul Reubens (aka Pee-Wee Herman).