Mausoleum

 

Great googily moogily, what in the name of hell is wrong with MAUSOLEUM? Why is it such a sleazy f-d up train wreck from the opening scene to the last? The acting is exhausting to witness, the story seems shoved through a shredder and then pieced back together using duct tape, and every scene is filmed in the ugliest way humanly possible. I feel like I need a SILKWOOD shower scrub right about now. What's it about? Hey, I'm just the guy who finished watching it how should I know? It's something about a lady (big boobied BOBBIE BRESEE who was nominated for the now meaningless SATURN award for her role) who gets possessed by a demon and then screws and kills anyone she comes in contact with. All I know is that MARJOE GORTNER was the voice of reason in this thing and that's never a good sign. The one shining spot (besides the bizarre special effects by FRIDAY THE 13TH PART IV: THE NEW BLOOD director JOHN CARL BUECHLER,… did I mention that BOBBIE's possession escalates to a point where she actually grows demon GHOULIE faces on her breasts?) is SANFORD AND SON's LAWANDA PAGE as the maid who basically speaks for the audience when she scans the situation, chugs some hooch, says, "Enough grieving, I'm leaving!" and heads for the hills to the sound of something not unlike the famous BENNY HILL tune. Yes that was probably the most backward, out of date, racist thing I've seen in a movie in a long time, but frankly I was with her! If there's ever a re-make I nominate myself to play that role. What good can I say about MAUSOLEUM? I gotta tell you, for all its ineptness it started freaking me out after a while not because the filmmakers had any clue of what they were doing, but just because the whole thing was so relentlessly sordid that it started to effect my view of the world at large. O.K., I admit it I did love all the scenes where possessed, glowing-eyed BOBBIE floated people into high spaces with her psychic powers and then dropped them to their deaths, I'll grant you that, but if I never see her seduce a delivery guy or a gardener again that will be fine by me. If you're like me and are constantly looking for new inventive ways to destroy the relationships in your life I suggest you track down MAUSOLEUM show it to someone who thinks they like you and then watch them head for the hills LAWANDA style!

• LAWANDA steals the movie
• Boobs with teeth
• Art gallery owner impaled on sculpture
• Aunt floating with visible crane
• "You thought I didn't exist!"

 

Here you go kids, knock yourself out: MAUSOLEUM's one shining moment of originality, purple demon boobs!MAUSOLEUM speaks to the primal male fear that once married, PLAYBOY BUNNY trophy wives will turn into RUTH BUZZI.