May

May's got some serious social problems; her desire to connect with others is at such a fever pitch that her needy frequency just ends up scaring folks away. What is it that could make a creative, smart, adorably attractive young lady like May a jittery, mumbling, palm-raping, cat assassinating, Shleprockian outsider with a romantic track record to rival Pepe Lepew? Why, it's just gots to be kindertrauma! You heard that right, kindertrauma; the flavor you savor for life!

At the beginning of LUCKY MCGEE's ode to Frankenstein, laundromats and hobo patches, we learn that as a child, titular character May (a stitching her way into legendary status ANGELA BETTIS) didn't quite fit in with her peers. Before you say "Take a number, sister," let me inform you that poor little mini-May (CHANDLER RILEY HECHT) had to wear a pirate patch on account of her eye being lazier than a Sunday morning hammock ride. Worse yet, her mom was one of those type "A" personalities — care to guess what "A" stands for? — always singing the praises of "perfection," a word that should never be used unless you are talking about a pop-up puzzle game from Milton Bradley.

Mom tells little May "If you can't find a friend, make one," and presents her with a handmade doll on her birthday. This gesture might have been sweet if mom didn't also inform May that the doll must never be touched and must be kept in a glass box forever. Although Suzy the doll does make a grand pal for the most part, May's lifelong frustration with never being able to touch or feel her friend echoes her social discomfort and has a ripple effect that eventually results in a lot of BREEDERS music being played and ANNA FARRIS getting her throat slashed by duel scalpels.

As is often the fates' hilarious sense of humor, the time period before adult May's spiral into the abyss of howling madness and multiple homicides is that of rejuvenation and hope. After May has her eye fixed it seems all her childhood traumas are fixed too. She now has a new lease on life and is excited to share herself with others in a way previously thought impossible. Adam (SIX FEET UNDER's JEREMY SISTO) appears to be the perfect dream date, what with all his curly dark locks and admiration for ARGENTO. As it turns out though, Adam only likes to make movies about people biting each other, he doesn't like to be bitten so much himself, and when May tries to connect with him on what she perceives as his own level, she ends up with egg (and blood) on her face.

Don't fret May! There are other guys out there and besides who cares about dudes when Polly (ANNA FARRIS) is barking up your tree? Polly ain't a poseur, she won't sweat a bite or two, but look out May, she's not a one woman lady either! Broken hearted and scorned from every angle, May makes the only choice anyone ever can in such a situation and decides to chop off the good parts of those that torment her, scrap the crappy parts, sew all that junk together and make a decent person who can give a gal a break; but not before causing a bit of kindertrauma herself…

Sufferers of childhood trauma here's a cure for what ails ya… cause some trauma your own darn self! Sometime before our May has her, "Ah-hah, I'll just kill everybody!" moment (something that would never be approved of by OPRAH) she passes the kindertrauma baton on to a bunch of unsuspecting tykes. Having spied some blind children in her favorite park and feeling an affinity with their reliance on the act of touching in order to see, May volunteers at their school, and decides to introduce them to her BFF Suzy the doll. Only problem is, Suzy is behind glass so the kids can't check her out at all, attempts to do so result in her case smashing on the floor and the children groping around in broken glass with bleeding fingers in an attempt to "see" her. (I gotta hand it to Suzy; for a doll that is not possessed, doesn't carry a weapon and never becomes animated in anyway, she sure causes a ruckus!) Luckily, MAY has a happy ending where death and insanity grab the reigns of reality and yell "Giddy-up!" Poor May's ordeal might be over, but just think of the stories those blind kids will be able to tell!