Movie Matchmaker Mania

I say it's time for some spring fever inspired double features! Not long after writing THIS post on the love affair between THE BIRDS and THE FOG I received an invitation to their wedding. That's when I knew that I should become a Movie Matchmaker! Movies don't need to be spinsters! There's a lid for every pot and a clamshell for every VHS tape! Some of these pair ups might sound odd but that's the way love goes and until I am proven as wrong on this as I am about everything else, let's give me the benefit of the doubt!

THE SKIN I LIVE IN (2011) meet MANSION OF THE DOOOMED (1976)

Everybody's mother coos over the possibly of ALMODOVAR's latest getting hitched to EYES WITHOUT A FACE (LES YEUX SANS VISAGE, 1960). The similarities are obvious, but where's the spark? I see THE SKIN with the younger, less French, much sleazier MANSION OF THE DOOMED (1976). I know MANSION doesn't have the best reputation but I say all that's keeping this ugly duckling from becoming a swan is a is a simple makeover/remaster.

JOHN DIES AT THE END (2012) meet SOULKEEPER (2001)

The first time I met JOHN DIES AT THE END all I could think about was SOULKEEPER. Then again, I'm always thinking about SOULKEEPER. It's not every day that you go on an adventure where there is no limit to what can take place. I don't necessarily see these two surreal buddy flicks going for the long haul but they'll certainly have fun while it lasts.

THE EVIL DEAD 2 (1987) meet SCREAMS OF A WINTER NIGHT (1979)

What? Big man on campus THE EVIL DEAD 2 going out with wilting wallflower SCREAMS OF A WINTER'S NIGHT? How's exactly is that gonna work? Trust me; folks are always underestimating EVIL DEAD's big broken heart. It's really just a break-up movie with decapitations. SCREAMS may seem timid by comparison but I dare you to say that in a room lit by one single green light bulb! There's an old saying that goes, "A fish and a bird can fall in love, but where shall they live?" In this case, the answer couldn't be clearer, they shall live in a cabin in the woods!

THE KINDRED (1987) meet LEVIATHAN (1989)

If anybody needs love it's giant, indiscernibly shaped fish monsters. If you watch these two flicks back to back, you can pretend that the monster from THE KINDRED survives to become the whatchamacallit from LEVIATHAN. I don't know how you'll explain AMANDA PAYS who appears in both movies changing her name from Melissa to Elizabeth, but I always go with that incognito witness protection jazz.

THE BOOGENS (1981) meet NECRONOMICON: BOOK OF THE DEAD (1993)

You know THE BOOGENS is just dying to be seen as Lovecraftian so why don't you allow it just one damn day in the sun? O.K. here's my logic, everyone seems to be in universal agreement that THE BOOGEN's big Achilles heal is its presentation of its titular creatures. Fine. It just so happens that NECRONOMICON has the opposite problem, the special effects are stellar but chunks of the movie are lackluster. In the anthology's best segment "Whispers" you get a slew of slippery, Lovecraft-y, and subterranean bone crunchers who would make just fine BOOGENS if only they didn't fly. It's not exactly a match made in heaven but it's totally symbiotic. So I say, "Good luck, you two slimy, crazy kids!"

PIN (1988) meet MAY (2002)

It takes May (ANGELA BETTIS) a whole movie to learn what Leon (DAVID HEWLETT) gleans at a young age; people who need people are the luckiest people in the world and people who need people who aren't actually people may want to keep that personality trait to themselves. These two were made for each other.

VIDEODROME (1983) meet THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING WOMAN (1981)

I know you're thinking VIDEODROME is better suited for HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH, what with their shared fondness for deadly televisions but the reality is, H3 has a serious drinking problem and I don't see VIDEODROME putting up with that. Besides, VIDEODROME is more concerned with subjugation than annihilation, the idea that media and technology may lessen one's humanity bit by digital bit. The notion that we're all cattle for manipulative corporations is something that THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING WOMAN would likely get behind. What's the difference between being miniaturized and forced to live in a doll house and developing an orifice in your abdomen obliged to accept whatever anyone wants to shove in it? Either way, you're somebody's plaything. Both films end on the empty promise that their main sufferers shall rise to higher things but we all know there's a limit to what Galaxy Glue can fix.