My Soul To Take (2010)

Hmmm. While watching MY SOUL TO TAKE all I kept thinking was that the direction was serviceable and that the acting was passable but whoever wrote the script needs to be diagnosed and medicated appropriately as soon as possible. Now as I look on the IMDb I see that the writer of SOUL is none other than my darling, my hamburger, WES CRAVEN himself. MR. CRAVEN, if you should be reading this, I'd like you to stop right now and go HERE until I am done.

Is he gone? Are you sure? Oh, my God you guys I am SO GLAD to be home and far away from that movie. It was driving me bonkers. It's just non-stop jabbering from beginning to end, exposition on top of exposition over and over and over again. Rules and numbers and ifs and maybes and blah blah blah. One guy actually falls out of a closet gutted and then is forced to explain how he ended up there for twenty minutes as he dies. "I was coming to see you and then this happened and then that happened and I thought maybe this but then it turned out to be that and then I went over there and you made a sound over there and then…" Holy shit, I get that you are NOT the killer just die already and peace out.

From the very get go we're thrown detail upon detail and are delivered nonsensical procedures that if not done properly will result in this or maybe that and are you familiar with the California Condor? Allow me to read you the Wikepidia page on The California Condor. When the actors aren't squawking then the radio or television is on doing the same thing in the background. It never ends. Now some of this may have been intentional as a way for WES to show what it might be like to have voices in your head all the time but still, I've seriously just taken an Excedrin anyway. Please don't ask me to tell you the plot of this movie because I just can't bear to go over the convolutions again.

It's not scary at all. Well, that's not entirely true, there was a period where I was scared that I myself may be going crazy or perhaps that somebody had put some drugs in my DR. Pepper. Maybe I'm just getting too old. Am I really old now? Everybody in this movie looked like a troll doll and spoke like a gnome. I guess I can accept that somebody might call somebody on their cell phone while running in the woods from a killer after seeing their friend dead but would they call the person who they think is chasing them? I just think that I would concentrate on running. Am I crazy, maybe I'm going crazy?

You know what? I liked the woods. There are a lot of woods in this movie and I liked going there. The look of the movie was kind of nice and autumn-y and the main guy in it was pretty good too. He's supposed to be an innocent "angel" that looses his wings and WES put these two gashes on his back so that was a nice touch. He may have had some gay thing going on with his friend but I always think that when two guys hug in a movie while one is stabbing the other that they really should just get a room already. His sister was pretty.

Oh, well c'mon it's not that serious. We all know WES right? He's the guy who followed up NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET with THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2 and DEADLY FRIEND! Ha-ha! He's probably just joking around with this movie. He loves doing movies like this every once in a while. It's kind of like when my little brother and I would put every disgusting thing we could find in a blender and see how gross it would come out. You're not really supposed to like it right? I don't know, maybe it's me. Maybe the whole thing just flew over my head like a California Condor.

No, no, no, no, it's NOT me. It's not me at all. It's YOU WES and you're just going to have to man up and take responsibility for your actions. Since we've got history and I still do LOVE you even with all your faults, I'm going to give you a blurb for your DVD cover: "It's a movie going experience that you won't soon forget…..(cough) try as you might." Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to sleep now and dream of a wonderful place called "shut your pie hole town".