kindertrauma

Sunday Streaming:: One Dark Night (1982)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

You'll never catch me disparaging PG-rated horror films because that would be like slapping good ol' ONE DARK NIGHT (1982) right in the kisser and I would never do that because I have to live with myself. ONE DARK NIGHT is one of the first horror movies that this once budding fright fan got to see in an actual theater rather than on TV and so it holds a special place in my mausoleum of a heart. I remember being grateful for its less restrictive rating because it meant that I could check it out without the worry of being humiliatingly dejected at the door to the delight of my scowling, satin-jacket clad, toothbrush-gnawing peers.

As it turned out, I totally related to the teenage shenanigans on screen; I found it truly suspenseful and could not get enough of the morbid special effects. I can think of a zillion R-rated horror flicks that are not nearly as creative or engaging. Director TOM McLOUGHLIN went on to direct one of the best FRIDAY THE 13TH installments (PART IV: JASON LIVES), star MEG TILLY went on to the excellent PSYCHO II, scene stealer ELIZABETH DAILY went on to steal PEE WEE HERMAN's heart and sing the greatest song ever, "Mind Over Matter" and I went on to write this old review HERE. ONE DARK NIGHT is currently unavailable on DVD so don't be left out, watch it below…

DVD Review:: Water Monsters (Featuring She Creature!)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Remember back in the good old days (three months ago) when I was all inordinately excited about a cheap-o DVD set that included the sadly underappreciated killer bat flick NIGHTWING? Those were good times. Who can blame me for trying to recapture that feeling of fleeting contentment by snagging yet another modestly priced four-movie collection from the fine folks at MILL CREEK entertainment called WATER MONSTERS!?

Yay WATER MONSTERS! It's not news that I love monsters and don't even get me started on water! I don't mean to go overboard but I sometimes think I couldn't live without that stuff! Let's say we take a closer look at this gift from God that you can probably find at your local Best Buy or Target or K-Mart or what have you. Maybe even Caldor? Does Caldor still exist? Come to think of it, one of the reasons I like these sets is that they remind me of the bins of mass-produced VHS tapes that they used to have at the center city Woolworths here in Philly back in the early nineties. That probably shouldn't be a fond memory on account of that is how I was exposed to the abominations NUKIE and BOOGEYMAN 2 but fond it is.

Let's talk picture quality. All four movies in this set are on one disc. They all look fine for casual viewing. If you pause them you'll notice some sketchiness but it's not all that bad. I'll be honest with you; I'm not the biggest stickler about such things. In fact, I ended up not being very interested in Blu-rays at all. I figure as long as I have visual masterpieces like BLADE RUNNER, ALIEN, THE THING and maybe THE FUNHOUSE on Blu that's enough. In all other cases, my Playstation 3 upconverts garden variety DVDs just fine for me. Also, and I may be insane here, but HD has a glassy, synthetic quality to it that reads a bit sickly to me whereas your standard DVD is all warm and toasty and snuggly like a carpeted den. I don't know, maybe I'm bonkers. In any case, I'm more about filling the holes in my DVD collection than needlessly upgrading that which I already own. I guess I've got agreeable peepers is all (I also ate a filet-o-fish sandwich today so maybe I'm just hopelessly lowbrow). Moving on…

ANACONDA (1997)

Aw, look the first movie is ANACONDA! Cool! You know, some people like to dismiss this flick because it's called ANACAONDA and it concerns at least one ANACONDA but I've always enjoyed it and back in 1997, it was a wonderful B-movie throwback when there weren't that many to be found. It really owes a lot to those beloved seventies-era disaster flicks with its extensive multigenerational cast and deliberate build-up. It's got an agreeable epic journey vibe and I have to say the jungle location is actually convincingly oppressive. Yeah, yeah the CGI is dated but they don't really take on anything too complicated and there's a fair share of practical effects too. It's simply a fun movie and JON VOIGHT's off-the-rails performance alone makes it worthwhile. The weird thing is how likable and down to Earth JENNIFER LOPEZ is. This movie is so old it's from before she became a phony-baloney media gadfly.

BLACK WATER (2007)

I just realized I'm senile and the undeniable proof is that this movie that came out eight years ago, is in my mind, a recent release. Oh well, I certainly don't mind having a hard copy of this effective Australian killer croc picture one bit. I'm not quite in the mood for a re-watch just yet, but the urge is bound to strike me one day in my limited future. Check me out unabashedly batting my eyelashes at this unassuming gem in a full review way back HERE.

RED WATER (2003)

This, I'd say is the lone dud of the pack. There isn't a whole lot to differentiate it from any other made for TV shark movie you might bump into. On the plus side, LOU DIAMOND PHILIPS and KRISTY SWANSON are present, so that might be fun if you don't get depressed thinking about how likely they're wishing they were anywhere else. I guess this one is good for people who don't get the SyFy channel and want to pretend they do for an hour and a half.

SHE CREATURE (2001)

This is the one that sealed the deal for me. SHE CREATURE (listed on IMDb as MERMAID CHRONICLES PART 1: SHE CREATURE) was the first (and as I recall, the best and possibly the only worthwhile installment) of a CINEMAX series known as CREATURE FEATURES which consisted of original films inspired by preexisting AIP (American International Pictures) movie titles. It stars RUFUS SEWELL and CARLA "The lone member of TROOP BEVERLY HILLS who starred in a #1 movie the summer of 2015" GUGINO as an easy to look at carnie couple who kidnap and plan to exploit a mermaid who is far more formidable (and sympathetic) than she originally appears.

The late great STAN WINSTON supplies the flick's super slick monster effects and the whole deal seeps with a dank, waterlogged atmosphere. In fact, in my mind this is a suitable companion piece to the brilliantly briny DAGON of the same year. Everything about it is enjoyably old school right down to a Matte painting establishing shot of a seaside mansion (that I'm guessing was lifted from a classic AIP flick. Does anybody recognize it above?). Did I mention it takes place for the most part on a boat? Who in the world can resist boat horror? Oh, and the multitalented COLLEEN CAMP is a producer! I have to give COLLEEN a high five…

So there you have it. What a deal! This cornucopia of slippery sharp-toothed water mongrels can be yours for cheaper than a bottle of Perrier. Moreover, and I swear I do not work for MILL CREEK, I just found out they have a new batch of affordable sets including a HAMMER FILMS COLLECTION featuring the used to be impossible to score SCREAM OF FEAR (!!!) and a WILLIAM CASTLE COLLECTION with HOMICIDAL, and even the elusive THE OLD DARK HOUSE remake among other classics! That's some slobber worthy cinema that won't leave your poor wallet feeling defiled!

Sunday Streaming :: Night of the Creeps (1986)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I gotta get out of the house today because I forget what the sun looks like (a shiny moon?) but don't worry, I wouldn't leave you fine folks with nothing to watch on a Sunday! Today I thought we'd take a break from HULU and give some other joker a chance and so today's entertainment bounty comes from an online joint called CRACKLE. The best horror movie those folks are offering is undoubtably NIGHT OF THE CREEPS. I'm old enough to remember when nobody gave a flying fig about this wonderful piece of art but it has grown to become a beloved cult classic and that makes me proud for the little guy! Read my musty review HERE and my dusty DVD review HERE and check the flick out HERE if you enjoy enjoyment.

Happy 4th of July!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Happy 4th of July to all! What a nice day to enjoy an apocalypse trilogy! I suggest PRINCE OF DARKNESS to represent strawberry red, THE THING to represent cool whip white and IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS to signify blueberry blue on this devastating decimation dessert! Now remember, if all this maddening cosmic weirdness concerning man's meaningless position in the universe starts to get to you, you can always switch to a non-apocalypse trilogy movie about soothing present day reality like say, THEY LIVE. Have fun, eat a hot dog and always remember, safety first when it comes to fireworks. My motto is, if dogs don't like them, than neither do I.

Name That Trauma :: Reader Tenshi on a Rotating Table Torture Device

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hey! It's me again, Tenshi. Living above the clouds, wearing flamboyant clothing, and seeing everything through a child's mind is fun, but it can also lead to some nightmare fuel. Here's one I can't remember.

It had to be around the late ‘70s, early ‘80s (1977-1982?). There was some show – a cartoon, live-action TV, I just cannot remember – where they had a torture device. I think (and I only THINK) it might have been an anime of some sort. There were these people that had someone strapped down Clockwork Orange-style with a laser beam pointed directly at her. She struggled to escape, but she couldn't since she was trapped laying down on the operating table. Then the table ROTATED UPSIDE DOWN and she let out this EAR-SPLITTING SCREECH (similar to Suneo/Sneech's scream when he got put into a coma after eating Gian/Big G's horrible pizza in that Doraemon episode). The people laughed uproariously as they injected something into her, and the beam fired. There was dark piano music backing up the entire thing that made it scarier.

Good God. That traumatized me. I was terrified of operating tables for YEARS, well into the early ‘90s. Seeing the after mentioned Doraemon episode last week made me think of her scream when I heard Sneech screaming.

I remember the woman was in her late teens-early twenties (I think), had pink hair (that's what makes me think it was an anime), and wore a black minidress (again, I THINK). I only remember what she looked like and what the music sounded like. It's been in my head for thirtysomething years.

Please tell me what this was. I want to end my childhood trauma for once and for all.

Speaking to you from Bhrava-Agra,
Tenshi "MOMMY! EEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!" Hinawani.

Sunday Streaming:: The House on Sorority Row (1983)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Isn't it sad that, once upon a time, I had to visit several video shops before I found a joint that carried THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW and even then, I could only dream of renting it rather than owning a copy of my very own? Boy, have times changed. These days you can watch it for FREE on HULU with your gay spouse! As the great YAKOV SMIRNOFF once said, "What a Country!" It's no secret that I love me some SORORITY ROW because I said so back HERE and I even got extra geeky and made fake sequel posters that are stored over HERE. If you've never seen it before there may be something seriously wrong with you, so get on the right side of history and check it out below!

The Runestone (1991)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I stumbled across the strangest movie. It's my most favorite view since THE MEDUSA TOUCH and it flew into my hands in much the same way. I was at an indoor flea market and this guy had a giant grey plastic tub of used VHS that he was selling three for five bucks. I found two that I wanted and had to take a gamble on a third. I was pretty sure I had seen 1991's THE RUNESTONE before, as I had a vague negative feeling toward it, but I figured I'd give it a second chance because at least it looked semi-horror related. I didn't already own it and it was in very good condition (the tape inside was tightly wound, laying flat and mold free! You gotta check for mold, I tells ya! It's an epidemic!!) Anyway, after watching it, I doubted there was any way I had seen it before, as I would surely have remembered something so idiosyncratic. I guess, due to the cover art so proudly boasting the presence of the late ALEXANDER GODUNOV, I was unfairly associating it with WAXWORK 2? On the other hand it's not impossible that exactly what makes THE RUNESTONE charming now made it forgettable back in its day. Some films need to sit and ferment.

I'm going to reference a ton of titles now as a kind of shorthand, so stand warned. RUNESTONE starts off as some sort of archeological adventure like RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK and there's an all-consuming myth-dipped puzzle vibe that sorta reminded me of INFERNO. But then it gets to be so very much like THE RELIC except instead of a larger than life, difficult to register creature to deal with, there's an old-fashioned, in-your-face dude in a rubber suit deal (think PUMPKINHEAD or RAWHEAD REX or especially HUMANOIDS OF THE DEEP). Jumping back even further, the soundtrack does its best to ape the sweeping, over the top dramatics of B-movie horror films from the fifties like THE CREATURE OF THE BLACK LAGOON.

I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that it's like watching THE DAVINCI CODE do the cha-cha with SPAWN OF THE SLITHIS (1978) and I say that having never actually finished watching either of those. I should also mention it's got a too big for its britches, would–be epic if not for its staggering lack of plausibility quality as per 1979's THE DARK or the same year's batty THE VISITOR. What's it about? Let's just say some jealous guy finds a rock in Pennsylvania and it brings out his worst.

Writer/director WILLARD CARROLL based his screenplay on a novel by MARK E. ROGERS but the entire affair has an intoxicating lunatic auteur feel to it, as if everything was obsessed over in some seriously unhealthy way. In fact, the concentrated visuals and often clunky dialogue reminded me of FRANK De FILITTA's adorably self-indulgent insanity dispenser SCISSORS of the same year (and I mean that as a compliment). What's extra odd is that RUNESTONE has its heart set on being funny, so you have to endure lead balloon joke after lead balloon joke until finally you begin to look forward to them. Weirder still, it actually is funny on at least two occasions.

You'll never catch me saying, "It's so bad, it's good" but I have no issue saying it's so awkward, it's stimulating. I can't help feel a tinge of exhilarating embarrassment for THE RUNESTONE. It's goofily earnest and it knows no shame and it's willing to throw anything against the wall in the hopes that it'll stick and somehow, against all odds, some things do. For example the line, "Where am I when I need me the most?" is shoehorned into a scene for no good reason and now I can't get it out of my head and there's an extended bit that skewers a New York art gallery that somehow ends with the creature in question sporting a police hat that I won't forget too soon. (Don't get me started on the sex scene involving an impossible moon, and the battling silhouettes of a woman in the throws of passion and a swiping monster claw. It has to be seen to be believed).

Anyway, I know a keeper when I see one, there's never something not going on, the misses are as fascinating as the hits and there's no doubt you'll see different things popping out upon multiple visits. I wish I could entice you better with the cast but that's not going to work unless you are a big fan of PETER (ANIMAL HOUSE) RIEGERT, JOAN (BLACK SCORPION) SEVERANCE or the guy who looks exactly like the guy who was on that early FOX sitcom DUETS but is not that guy on account of he's his twin brother (MITCHELL (not MATTHEW) LAURANCE).

What I CAN do (and what may be my sole purpose for being born), is to reiterate, highlight and underline that THE RUNESTONE is a MONSTER movie! To me, that is crucial, game-changing information previously neglected to be declared properly in the movie's advertising art. In my book, monster movies are allotted a certain amount (acres and acres) of extra leeway to be somewhat off the wall. I'm not saying it's part of their appeal, I'm just saying I'll happily overlook a few zillion questionable choices to see a guy in a rubber suit rip some other guy's arm off. I can't help it.

So there my job is done. THE RUNESTONE is available to watch on YouTube. The picture quality is not the best (I can tell right away by how off the red hue is in the opening credits) but it's not available on DVD or Blu-ray, so what are you going to do? Personally, I'd order a VHS from Amazon while supplies last. This is a cult hit waiting to happen and all it needs is somebody with more clout than me to say so.