Traumafessions :: Reader Richard D. on Wayland Flowers & Madame
Hi there,
When I was growing up nothing terrified quite so much as WAYLAND FLOWERS and MADAME. In the late 1970's, she was on T.V. all the time and I just could not bear to watch her. Ventriloquist dummies are creepy at their best, but with her huge pointy chin and gaping mouth, she looked like she was going to devour WAYLAND FLOWERS' head. My wife hated her just as much as I did … you can see why we were destined to marry.
Here's a clip of her in the REDD FOXX movie NORMAN, IS THAT YOU?:
Name That Trauma :: Reader Eli on a Boy & a Space Blob
Hi there,
While my movie is not ghost or witches scary, it creeped the hell out of me as a kid. But I cannot find it anywhere. All I can remember is a young boy on a space ship kind of thing and there is a giant blob type being that looks like a Jabba the Hut, that either the boy or another blob boy keep calling "Uncle" in a really creepy voice!
Thanks!
— Eli
Jaws of Satan (1981)
I have to stop listening to other people because I almost lived a life with no JAWS OF SATAN in it. A cursory scan of other folk's reactions to the film had me wrongly assuming it was just another bad movie. You know the drill, "Some movies are so bad they're good, not this one! This one is so bad, it's just bad." First of all, I'll be the judge of that and second of all, wrong. JAWS OF SATAN is not just another bad movie; it is a perfect amalgamation of everything that makes movies not good. I also find it highly entertaining and worth my time because there is never a second of it where it is not doing exactly what it shouldn't. I stand a bit amazed, here is a film that wasn't satisfied with being simply a failure of a Satan film, it had to take a crap in the animals run amuck cage too. Just think about the title for a moment, it tells you everything that you need to know.
A snake attacks a couple of men in the cargo area of a train, which naturally causes the entire train to quietly come to a halt. (Don't worry, a "train wreck" of another kind is imminent.) It's no ordinary snake because it is…Satan! The Satan snake is on a mission to kill a priest because well, priests burn brighter in hell apparently and this priest is extra special because he comes from a family of druids who kill snakes, so there's that. Maybe the less we get into that swamp the better, the point is the snake who is Satan hates the priest and wants to bite him and chase him around a graveyard. (Silly Satan, you don't have to chase priests these days, you can just sit back and they'll come to you!) I'm not sure what will happen once the snake catches the priest but in the meantime other snakes are getting rowdy and biting non-priests all over a small town in Alabama.
Thankfully Dr. Sheridan is on the case and don't assume like other people in this movie do that because I said "Dr." that I'm taking about a boy either because Dr. Sheridan is A GIRL! (Did you just spit your coffee out in shock? Sorry.) Yes, Dr. Sheridan (GRETCHEN CORBETT of LET SCARE JESSICA TO DEATH) is a new type of woman who is a professional doctor and don't you forget it! She's a real poster girl for women's lib too especially when after two people are bitten by snakes she exclaims, "It's an epidemic and I can't cope with it!" and then a snake shows up after she takes a shower and she calls a guy on the phone she just met to run over to her house to shoot it and then she breaks down crying hysterically and has to be slapped in the face before he sleeps with her and she makes him breakfast and then midway through the film for no reason whatsoever another guy on a motorcycle forces her car to the side of the road so he can make her fellate his hand gun until she is rescued by….a priest? No, a snake!
Considering the non-stop pilfering you'd think we'd end up with something that resembles a movie more than this mush but nah. We have a mayor who wants to keep the snake issue under wraps so as not to wreck the grand opening of a fancy dog racing track, a coroner who eats chicken right next to a corpse and ye old "It was only a cat!" routine. It's like a who's who of movie clichés. I don't want to complain too much about the clichés though because it's when then the movie decides to get creative that it really humps the daggit. As dumb as everything is throughout the course of the movie (the list of offences goes on and on) it's toward the end when we really fall into an almost abstract experience with weird shoehorned dubbing, people appearing in two places at once or out of nowhere and a climax that plays out like a battle between man and mop handle. Did I mention that Satan snake likes to stand straight up on his tail? Adorable much?
There's one great shot of Father Farrow (CREEPSHOW's FRITZ WEAVER) strolling past a gnarled tree but most of the film looks ho-hum which is astonishing considering the cinematographer is DEAN CUNDY who you might remember from such films as every movie I ever loved. (HALLOWEEN, THE FOG, THE THING, PSYCHO 2 etc.) Personally I'm comfortable throwing all the blame on director BOB CLAVER's lap on account of he went on to poke eyes out and scramble brains via television by directing two of the most lunatic series in the history of forever, SMALL WONDER and OUT OF THIS WORLD. Besides being hilarious as hell, one of the other things going for JAWS OF SATAN is that it marks the debut of CHRISTINA APPLEGATE as a tyke who gets locked in a closet with a snake at a dog race opening. Aw, how can you not like APPLEGATE after growing up with her as Kelly Bundy? Her real life mother NANCY PRIDDY even portrays her mom in the film. PRIDDY is apparently responsible for a well regarded psychedelic folk album and sang back up for LEONARD COHEN!
All in all, this movie does deliver on the bad movie front in spades. There's always something perplexing going on and the snake-eye view cemetery chase is an absolute ridiculous must see. This movie ssssssssucks but if you have a taste for terrible, you really couldn't beat it with a stick.
Traumafessions :: Reader James K. on The World Beyond
I too was traumatized by THE WORLD BEYOND (THE MUD MONSTER movie) when it aired on television, my Dad forced me to watch it. I was scared to death after that of mud – which was a problem because we had a cabin with a long MUDDY path that went to my Uncle's cabin. I had nightmares for years. In fact, I recently had another mud monster nightmare… and I'm now 36 years old. I purchased a copy of THE MUD MONSTER movie a year ago with the intention to watch it — I'll get to it some day.
Stream Warriors: Rockula & Vicious Lips!
UNK SEZ:: Only two stream warrior selections this week because trust me you will not want to see more after you are done with these two anyway. Also as you read this, myself and Aunt John are on a much needed vacation whooping it up like rock stars at a monster mania convention and by "whooping it up like rock stars" I mean embarrassing ourselves publicly and destroying our good names with behavior not befitting people half our age.
ROCKULA (1990)
I know you've seen this one on streaming and told yourself that you are not willing to stoop to such a degree just yet, but I am officially giving you permission to take the plunge and blame the after effects on questionable advice from me. C'mon you know you want to see it, ROCKULA stars DEAN CAMERON of such hits as SUMMER SCHOOL, BAD DREAMS and the exceptional SKI SCHOOL. If I had my way DEAN CAMERON would star in everything but since that is unlikely to happen we are left with only the stuff of reality and that means ROCKULA! How this movie never became a cult staple the world shall never know. It was directed by LUCA BERCOVICI the man behind the original GHOULIES and the so-so-so severely underrated hilarity machine THE GRANNY (1995) and it's roster of bow-worthy greatness includes DEAN, TONI BASIL, THOMAS DOLBY, BO DIDDLEY, BAD SANTA's TONY COX and the person I'll never shut up about SUSAN TYRELL. It's fun, it's weird and it boasts both wretched tunes and vampires. It's stupid true but without stupidity there can be no joy. Stupidity is the main ingredient of joy.
VICIOUS LIPS (1988)
I'm not entirely sure it's possible that anybody could sit through this entire movie beside myself but I shall direct your attention to it anyway. Directed by ALBERT PYUN who has helmed both above (THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER) and hilariously below (ALIEN IN LA) par trash, VICIOUS LIPS is a sense shredding onslaught of concentrated eighties junk culture crapitude that kinda sorta rules. The more you try to understand it, the more you'll hate yourself so just sit back and get clobbered by this nearly incoherent and certainly pointless tale of an all girl rock band stranded on the set of UNION OF THE SNAKE while being chased by ELM STREET-inspired mind demons. I assure you that you will hate yourself vehemently at least once while watching this cotton candy haired patience-pusher and that's part of the decadent fun. One fragment of this theoretical movie that does not fill my heart with vague shame is the fact that its songs are sung by should-have-been SUE SAAD, the woman responsible for singing the best theme song ever recorded "Looker" from LOOKER and also the second best song ever recorded "Highwire" which is also from LOOKER. I wish I could tell you LOOKER was streaming, but it's not.
Two count em' two streaming musical wonders with vague connections to horror. One will make you happy, one will make you saad. Both will make you feel as if you are loosing your mind!
Name That Trauma/Traumafessions :: Reader David O. on It! aka The Curse of the Golem
This one has been bugging me since I was very young and I haven't managed to track it down. If anyone can help it's the Kindertrauma readers. I first saw this movie on T.V. in the early '70s. It was black and white, possibly British, or maybe it just had British actors, and involved a large, scary statue that came to life and killed people. I remember it being a really ugly statue, possibly part-man, part-something else. I seem to recall that the statue killed one man by shoving an umbrella down his throat (creative, I must say). There was the usual police investigation, etc. etc. and it seems that the statue would be near the murdered person, but of course no one thought twice about it.
God I hope I didn't dream this…
— David
AUNTIE SEZ: After receiving Dave's initial email, he followed up with this:
I actually found my own answer! The movie is called IT! and it's from 1966, starring RODDY McDOWALL. The killer statue is a golem, and I'm starting to doubt that the umbrella death ever happened as I can't find evidence of such a brilliant demise. Perhaps my perverse little mind created that part…
Thanks all the same!!!
Traumafessions :: Reader Laura from Michigan on Dolls
Hi guys, I love this site! OK, here is my traumafession…
When I was a kid, I went to my friend Michelle's sleepover birthday party. At the party, we watched CARRIE (also traumatic!), and this other movie called DOLLS. This movie was from 1987, and the plot went something like…. Strangers get stranded because of a storm or something, and all end up at the house of a creepy dollmaker. Once they all go to bed, the dolls come to life and kill them one by one. Terrifying, but it got worse!
That night at the sleepover I was lying awake, scared out of my mind that I was going to be chopped to bits by dolls, when I heard what sounded like little, high-pitched voices. I also died right then, but then I remembered…Michelle has cats! Phew. The next morning, when I recounted this to my friends, Michelle said, "But the cats were outside!"
As if this wasn't enough to cement my life-long terror of dolls, a week or so later I was asleep in my own bed, when I suddenly woke up because something had fallen on my pillow. I opened my eyes and…it was my SPANISH DANCING DOLL, which had fallen off the shelf above my bed. I hurled that sucker across the room, and the next day, I begged my mother to box up all the dolls in my bedroom and put them away.
I'm an adult with my own little girls now, and even THEIR dolls creep me out!
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest, Kindertrauma!
— Laura from Michigan
Name That Trauma :: Reader Cathy I. on a Terrible Totem
Hi! I have one for 'ya. It was the mid-'80s and I was with my parents visiting some of their friends. Not sure who they were or even what state we were in. My parents' friends turned this video on and from what I recall, it was a short film that they said was filmed in the very house we were visiting. I remember my parents' friends saying they had to leave their house for three days so the film could be made. So this leaves me wondering if it was somebody's project in school or if it was a short film for T.V., or what?? Everyone was very impressed, that's all remember.
The basic plot is there is this statue of a totem, or a god or demon something, maybe about a foot high. Someone brings it in the house and now the house is cursed. No one suspects the statue. Strange things start happening. The only thing I remember is something like THE BLOB, where this green or black gunk starts sliming and oozing its way down the carpeted stairs, freaking everyone out, getting stuck on everything, causing horror. This stuff is evil! Eventually they figure out the statue has cursed the house, but only after much damage was done. Perhaps the inhabitants all die or they move away or something. The last shot is of garbage day. You see the garbage from the cursed house on the side of the road waiting to be picked up – INCLUDING THE EVIL STATUE! The garbage man comes by and throws the obvious junk into the truck but picks up the statue and makes an expression like he thinks it's pretty cool and he puts it in the cab with him so he can take it home. The end.
Did I dream this up? Anyone?
Thanks,
— Cathy
