kindertrauma

Name That Trauma :: Reader Kevin on Heart Attack Induced by Crumpled Paper

Posted on By aunt john

Thank god I found your website! I've always been one who knows the obscure movies people barely remember but this one stumped me.

My friend told me he has always had this memory of a scene from a movie he saw when he was a kid. It had to be early '80s, maybe '70s. He says it was live action, and that it could have been a kid's movie. The scene he remembers is that these kids are running from something, they go into a house and are hiding under the floor, possibly looking up through a grate. The door opens and a witch with a black veil covering her face enters. A man enters, possibly a father or relative of the kids, and he confronts this witch. The witch pulls out a piece of paper, then whispers something to the man about his heart. She starts to crumple the paper and the man has a heart attack.

Any idea what movie this is?

Thanks,

— Kevin

UNK SEZ: Kevin, both me and Aunt John are convinced that your friend is speaking of SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES (1983)! Although it's a bit jumbled, the grate, the crumbled paper and the veiled heart-attack inducing witch all fit! We've been wrong before so if there are any other ideas out there, please let us know. In the meantime here's the trailer in hopes it will jar your pal's memory!

Christopher George Funhouse!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Today's Funhouse will be a breeze because all of the images poised for identification have one amazing thing in common, they all involve CHRISTOPHER GEORGE! That is because today is the day that CHRISTOPHER GEORGE was born and we'll be celebrating that fact all day. I can't host a party this big alone so I asked our local CHRISTOPHER GEORGE expert Amanda Reyes of MADE FOR TV MAYHEM to join me. In fact, if you want to learn more about the man, the myth, and the legend you can allow Amanda to school ya' some HERE!

Can you name the CHRISTOPHER GEORGE classics below? If not, feel free to leave a comment about your warmest CHRISTOPHER GEORGE memory instead. Good luck and Happy CHRISTOPHER GEORGE Day!

Traumafessions :: Brian Kathcher on Little House on the Prairie Ep. 'Home Again'

Posted on By aunt john

Did you ever see that episode of LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE where the kid has a job delivering drugs for the local doctor? He then of course starts sampling them, and becomes a hopeless morphine addict (ah, the days when you could get that stuff from your local doctor). There's a graphic scene where he's withdrawing, vomiting and convulsing:

This was supposed to be a family show, but my sister, who would have been about six, broke down crying afterward. Nothing like showing children the graphic results of opiate addiction. Damn you, NANCY REAGAN!

— Brain Katcher

AUNT JOHN SEZ: I've said it before, and I will say it again, the town of Walnut Grove really was a red hotbed of nefarious activity. Albert's morphine addiction really comes as no surprise considering his first true love was sexually assaulted by a mime and impregnated before falling her to her untimely death. Poor Sylvia…

UNK SEZ: Trouble follows that Albert kid wherever he goes! Wasn't he in the vicinity when this basketball mishap occurred?…

Dreamchild (1985)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Children's' heads are usually force fed saccharine gruel by funnel. The process resembles teaching ducks to grow up to be foie gras. That's why I've always loved ALICE IN WONDERLAND. For a book aimed at malleable brains it is deliciously dark and strange. Imagine WILLIAM S. BURROUGHS writing for Highlights Magazine in a psychedelic beanie. Alice's encounters mirror a universal part of adolescence when one is trying to decipher their new surroundings and every question is met with nonsensical answers. What child can't relate to the feeling of being indoctrinated into a world of seemingly random (forks on the left, spoons on the right) protocol? ALICE does more than grab the reader by the hand and tour them through a colorful landscape, it slyly teaches them how to spot the absurdity in their own world as well.

For fans of WONDERLAND, DREAMCHILD is really a must see. It focuses on the twilight of the woman who once inspired the tale as she travels to New York for a celebration of the work and life of its author. Some of the movie is as dainty as a doily, which makes its multiple plunges into near ELM STREET territory all the more disturbing. It's like having tea with DAME JUDI DENCH and then she suddenly leans into reveal, "I'm tripping my balls off."

Who is to say how accurate any of the flashbacks are but as the eighty-year old Alice Hargreaves is jolted with lightening blast recollections of her youth, we get a glimpse into her vaguely creepy relationship with the man she theoretically inspired. As played by IAN HOLM (ALIEN, THE SWEET HEREAFTER) Reverend Charles L. Dobson (also known as Lewis Carroll) is at turns off-putting and sympathetic. Plagued by a speech impediment and awkward social skills, one wonders if his fascination with the young quizzical child was merely a coveting of the normalcy she had to look forward to in life. Much speculation is made about the true catalyst behind CARROLL's work, but here he is presented as a sort of shadowy Jaberwocky himself until elderly Alice comes to terms with her memories and is able to separate herself from her more famous fictional identity.

Whatever. As much as I love my homie HOLM there is literally nothing in this movie that is not utterly and completely upstaged by the fucking incredible creations by JIM HENSON's creature shop. Don't get me wrong, there is a very sweet, finely done drama going on here (written by DENNIS POTTER no less) but if you're a brat like me you'll only pretend to care whether the old lady gets her act together before kicking the bucket just so you can get a glimpse of the incredibly monstrous and borderline hideous denizens of wonderland that KRUEGER-stalk her psyche. If you want to learn about the real Alice Hargreave, go to the library or better yet Google the lady. Instead, I'm going to stare at these incredible images from DREAMCHILD…

NOTE: If you want to check out this barrel of awesome get thee to Netflix Streaming. It has never been released on DVD and the VHS looks like crap. I like this movie a great deal but I have no option but to remove seventy hundred groovy points for not inviting the Chesire Cat to the party.

Traumafessions :: Reader Tara A. on a PSA Snake

Posted on By aunt john

Hello! I've written in before with a "Name That Trauma" – allow me to reiterate how much I love this site….

I now have a Traumafession about something that stirs me into panic mode to this day. It serves as the most intense childhood terror of my life (this is coming from someone who was afraid of everything from Muppets to Billy Idol.)

I was lounging in my basement at nine years old, in the dark, watching PETER PAN AND THE PIRATES on FOX. An anti-drug Public Service Announcement came on during a commercial break; I was calm at first, figuring it was another boring, "Say no to crack or you'll end up a dead gangsta" bit. Then the drug dealer in the PSA ducked into the shadows, and I got uneasy. When he finally popped into full view as a WTF half-cobra demon, I exploded into a scream-filled nervous breakdown that will literally haunt me for the rest of my life. I can sit alone at 1am with no lights on and comfortably watch THE EXORCIST, but I cannot watch this in full daylight with people present.

I'm all for vintage, but in some ways the '90s really sucked!

Love you!

—Tara

Screamtime (1986)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

There's something wrong with me. I'm starting to put the pieces together and it doesn't look good. Me and Aunt John were both under the weather so we decided to indulge ourselves by watching a "Premium" movie via On-Demand. Yes, we felt so sick that shelling out six dollars to watch a movie was the only way we could think of to feel better. We decided on INCEPTION because how can you go wrong with fancy eye-popping special effects and a near unanimous approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes?

About half an hour into INCEPTION I realized that I do not experience things necessarily the same way others do. Maybe it was because I was sick but I began to notice that I thought INCEPTION was the most annoying thing in the world. If you love INCEPTION don't get mad at me. I'm not saying you are wrong, in fact, most of the world is in agreement with your assessment, it's just that for me I'd rather eat a bag of pennies than ever experience it again. I swear I tried, I really tried but the voice in my head said "no."

The voice in my head sounds like the result of an unholy union between Jan Brady and Gollum from LORD OF THE RINGS. It will not be ignored. Throughout INCEPTION it kept asking questions that I had no answers for. "Why do these characters explain everything before they do it?" "Didn't I just see DiCAPRIO playing a man who is kept from his cherubic children by a "crazy" wife in SHUTTER ISLAND?" "When JUNO does that VANNA WHITE thing in front of a scale model during a montage is that meant to indicate her knowledge of said model?" "Did the same person cast this as BUGSY MALONE?" "Why does this feel like I'm playing the video game SYPHON FILTER with someone who is bogarting the joystick?" "Are there any special effects in this that I did NOT see in the trailer?" and so forth.

All in all I did not enjoy INCEPTION unless you count the part where it ceased. John (who did enjoy it somewhat) went to bed and so I decided to watch the anthology horror SCREAMTIME to cleanse my mental palette and here is the weird thing, the thing that makes me think there is something wrong with me. It turns out that for all intents and purposes something in my soul informs me that I think SCREAMTIME is a way better movie than INCEPTION. I know it's not right but there it is; a simple fact that I can't deny. I know I'm comparing Apple Jacks and Orange Julius but just go with it. I've gone too far to turn back now.

Truth told SCREAMTIME, which is barely a movie as it consists of three independently made shorts encased in the flimsiest of wraparound stories ever created, has several elements that no billion dollar budgeted Hollywood movie could ever compete with and those elements would be…

A scene that takes place in an ‘80s video store. No special effect could ever compete with the jaw droppy wonder of this incredible sight….

A Punch puppet that beats people who deserve it with a wooden plank.

This weird lady.

A scary killer guy who I actually find scary.

And most incredibly an army of garden gnomes that come alive and then are played by little people who attack characters by jumping on their backs.

And also these old ladies.

So really it's not much of a competition INCEPTION. The only thing close to a garden gnome that you have to offer is JUNO and that just won't do on account of she doesn't wear suspenders. So maybe there actually is something wrong with me. Somehow I was born into a universe where most of the population believes the opposite of what I know to be true. In my mind SCREAMTIME (which, by the by, is available for free on Netflix streaming) is ten times more entertaining than INCEPTION could ever hope to be. There I said it. I am fully prepared for further ostracizing than I already receive. As long as deadly garden gnomes encircle me, I am impervious to scorn.

Stream Warriors :: Hosted by Andre Dumas of Horror Digest!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: Welcome to a new episode of Stream Warriors based on the novel Push by Sapphire! Today is special in that we have a super guest host in kinderpal Andre Dumas of the venerable HORROR DIGEST. Andre has three great picks for you today all currently available on Netflix streaming. Read what Andre says because she knows what she's talking about and then do what she says and watch those movies! After you've watched the movies freak Andre out by following her back to her cottage in the woods HERE!

EYES WIDE SHUT

I first saw EYES WIDE SHUT on HBO when I was a wee one, and was blown away by A. how many boobs and how much sex was happening and B. how boring it was. Of course later in my life, when I became all smart and stuff, I discovered that Eyes Wide Shut is one hell of a movie. It follows the married life of Dr. Bill Harford and his wife who battle with temptation and jealousy issues. That is a very broad summation but perhaps the less you know the better. A lot of people seem to give Eyes Wide Shut a hard time and I'm not entirely sure why (okay, it might have something to do with Tom Cruise). It's one of the most intelligent and thought provoking films I have ever come across and every time I watch it, I find new and exciting things to marvel over. If you've seen it before but wasn't a fan, or if you've never seen it, do yourself a favor and check this out immediately. Read more HERE!

SHEITAN

When talking about French cinema, two things are certain: 1. Vincent Cassel will be in every movie you see and 2. All French horror films are the best. Although not everyone loves SHEITAN as much as the other French powerhouses, I found a lot to get excited about. Taking place on Christmas Eve , the film follows a very unruly group of young people. They wind up at the farm house of Vincent Cassel who plays Joseph, also known as the craziest bastard you will ever see. What follows is a very strange, slow build up to a highly grotesque and upsetting ending. Do NOT eat soup at the end of this movie, you will regret it. The film has some extremely creepy, disturbing and hilarious moments and you may or may not see Vincent Cassel in a wig. Also you'll never look at girls petting dogs in the same away ever again. Read more HERE!

ENTER THE VOID

Gaspar Noe gained notoriety for IRREVERSIBLE back in 2002 which featured a very long and difficult to watch rape sequence. ENTER THE VOID will gain similar notoriety because it puts the viewer inside of a vagina. In all seriousness, ENTER THE VOID is one of the best movie watching experiences of my life. It follows the brief life of a drug addict up until he dies—but then we still follow him. Using mind boggling camera techniques, color sequences and music—Gaspar Noe creates an out of body experience for the viewer. It runs long at 2 and a half hours, but the film seems to almost trap you in it. I recommend watching it in a dark and quiet room with the sound turned all the way up. You won't believe how insanely cool, horrifying and mind blowing it is. I guarantee you will not be able to stop thinking about it. Read more HERE!

Name That Trauma: Reader Amy on a Gal Named Rose Nailed to a Chair

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hello again

Awhile back kindertrauma helped my find a childhood trauma called MYSTERY MANSION, I have another one that is more recent that has me completely stumped.

I was about 8 or 9 at the time so around 1995, 1996 I think. I remember a man at home alone and I think some of the lights went off he came to a room in the house and saw someone standing there that spoke to him in a high pitched creepy voice that reminds me of the movie MILO. The man is chased through the house and is stabbed to death. I remember the man jerking on his feet with each stab and screaming then I think he fell through some glass.

The only other part I remember is a girl is nailed to a chair and a man is pulling the nails out. I think the girl was thought to be a guy named Richie throughout the movie and her real name is Rose, I think. The killer had her dressed as the boy Richie for some reason. I think the girl shoots the killer after he calls her Richie and she says my name is Rose and kills him. Anyone know if I'm remembering two separate movies or if this is one in the same?

Thanks,

— Amy

UPDATE: NAME THAT TRAUMA SOLVED! Thanks to horrormommy for solving it with COLOR OF NIGHT!

The Boy Who Cried Werewolf (1973)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Aw, c'mon how's a person supposed to not enjoy THE BOY WHO CRIED WEREWOLF? You'd have to be quite the Smurf kicking curmudgeon. Yes, the werewolf wears a turtleneck but decapitations, even if enacted off-screen, have to count for something. This 1973 PG-rated affair was the last film directed by NATHAN JURAN (ATTACK OF THE 50 FOOT WOMAN) and although it's about as menacing as a bag of pink marshmallows, it's a clever enough kiddie telling of the werewolf mythos and you don't have to scratch too hard to sense heavier themes beneath the surface obstinate as ingrown hairs. For a film directed toward the younger set it refreshingly resists dunking its paw in sugar coating. Little Richie Bridgestone's parents are getting a very un-Brady-like divorce and although Richie loves his dad, he's thinking it might be a good idea to snitch on pop for frequently turning into a savage monster and pushing occupied vehicles off of cliffs. The movie says, "Werewolf"; I smell gin.

I'm not sure where this thing was filmed but the locations will probably look familiar to anyone who watched television in the seventies. I think most of us grew up in the haunts shown even if only via boob tube portal. There are some nice subtle references to UNIVERSAL studios more famous lycanthrope movie in the form of Dad's trusty cane and with this being set in 1973, somebody cleverly transformed 1941's THE WOLFMAN's resident gypsies into hippies. The band of hippies really liven the movie and their love power is even shown to have a detrimental effect on the werewolf curse. Now that's just adorable. Man, I wish I could have been a hippie but by the time I was old enough to join their ranks, everybody had already figured out that humans were hopelessly awful….dratz!

Another very cool thing about this movie is that it was released in a double feature with SSSSSSS. One thing that I've learned while working here at Kindertrauma is that there are exactly seven S's in that title, so I don't even have to look it up. Apparently it was the last double feature UNIVERSAL ever did and I missed it by being a stupid baby. THE BOY WHO CRIED WEREWOLF is not available in any format for some unknown reason, so I caught up to it on YouTube sporting Spanish subtitles. That means I got to learn a little extra Spanish while I watched and you can ask me what "Hombre Lobo" means and I'll have the answer.

Like THE GATE or MONSTER SQUAD I think this movie makes a great horror starter kit for monster fans in training wheels. The transformation scenes are stagnantly old school but the resulting make up effects courtesy of TOM BURMAN are not bad at all (all turtlenecks considered.) I guess some will only see a campy howler here but the SHINING-esque parent-paranoia element does have some bite and it at least it takes its whiny protagonists dilemma seriously. If you can look beyond its corncob datedness (Dad dropped Mom for being a career gal!) it makes a fine companion piece to 1996's BAD MOON. You don't have to be a kid to enjoy this one but like most things in life, it'll probably help. Adios amigos!