kindertrauma

Kindertrauma Funhouse :: Someone's in the Kitchen With Aunt John

Posted on By aunt john


I am sorry to report that your Unkle Lancifer has come down with a dreadful head cold, and not only do I have to make his favorite comfort food of chicken noodle soup with Sour Patch Kids, but I also have to host the Funhouse this week. The problem is, there are way too many cooks in the various kitchens here at the Kindertrauma Kastle (we have 10 kitchens, what can I say?), and I am not going to get a thing done until they are gone. Can you help me remember what movies they came from so I can tell them to please pack their knives and go?











PS: It's been ages since we offered up a prize, so on the line this week for one random commenter is an official Kindertrauma Mug. Even if you have no idea where the above cooks came from, feel free to leave a link to your most favorite crock-pot recipe in the comments. Your dear old Aunt John is a harried homemaker and is always on the look out for new set-it-and-forget-it cuisine ideas. For reals!

Madhouse (1981)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I think 1981's MADHOUSE (a.k.a THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL, a.k.a AND WHEN SHE WAS BAD) tastes like horror movie comfort food. I don't know if it's good but it's always been good to me. I don't need or want every horror film to be a blasting, rousing shower of fear; sometimes I just want to sink into a nice tub of lukewarm creepy. MADHOUSE makes me ardently nostalgic even though we never crossed paths in my youth as I was fated to discover it decades after its release in a pile of used tapes in a second hand store. I drug it home thinking it might work as a shrug-off, time waster but from its vivid opening credits (complete with an eerie sing-song rhyme) I found myself strangely ensnarled. Corny, melodramatic and outmoded at birth, it's easy to understand why this one has eluded much fan-boy recognition. On the other hand, it's smartly shot, atmospheric and unaffectedly eccentric. MADHOUSE is an out of touch weirdo and it may not have the chops or desire for spotlight attention but I've always gravitated to quiet loners anyway. Half mass though it may fly; I spy a freak flag billowing.

One of MADHOUSE's greatest charms is its lead TRISH EVERLY who christened this her one and only film. As a teenager I read many a horror paperback and I have to say the heroines who I conjured in my head always looked like TRISH even though I was unaware of her existence at the time. What a shame she never went on to other films; I feel like her character Julia Sullivan is the type that we just don't get to see enough of anymore. She's an un-hip, unassuming altruist (she teaches deaf children) and she's a bit of a doormat/pincushion to her horrifically scarred, witch cackling sadistic "twin" sister Mary (ALLISON BIGGERS). Yes, Julia is living the dream as a functioning adult with fantastic hair, a slutty pants-optional best friend doomed to die and a stand up main squeeze with a CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC moustache. Just because she relies on her man to save her ass doesn't mean she won't hack a person's back into hamburger meat with an ax when given a reasonable opportunity. Everyone may think Julia is letting her imagination get the best of her, but time will show that she has a valid reason to suspect her sibling of siccing a Rottweiler to chomp on her favorite pupil. I love Julia Sullivan and I wish she would invite me over to her wicker and fern heavy apartment.

AN ASIDE: It doesn't hurt that Julia's pad exists within an incredible Georgian mansion. I Googled this shit up and learned that MADHOUSE was filmed in a real joint called "The Kehoe House" which is now an Inn rumored to be haunted (by twin ghosts no less.) Incredibly none other than JOE NAMATH owned the joint from 1980 to 1989 and he tried but failed to transform it into a disco. Don't feel bad for Broadway Joe though, it turned out to be a highly lucrative investment. Aw, I love that JOE even when he was a lascivious drunk on live television. He was so swank on THE BRADY BUNCH.

Although filmed in the States, MADHOUSE is an Italian production directed and written by OVIDIO G. ASSONITIS. OVIE may not be the best director in the world but as the man responsible for TENTACLES and BEYOND THE DOOR, he has brought more joy into my world than many a celebrated director ever has. Telltale Italian sensibilities are all present and accounted for. Appreciation for color, shadow and inventive angles abound and God bless whoever rented the wind machine to shove the foliage about. (Attention all directors: if you are too cheap to spring for a wind machine get the crew to shake branches outside the window. Wind is very important for setting a mood for me.) In the end MADHOUSE may be little more than an old, dark house flick hugging on a lady-in-peril with family-issues movie but that's just fine by this guy. Some movies simply exist to shove me in a canon and shoot me to my happy zone. This semi ridiculous bruiser does so every time.

Believe me I'm not blind to MADHOUSE's quirks and foibles. I know it's not without its awkward tics. Some of the stalking scenes drag and some of the supporting players need to look up "supporting" in the dictionary and take it down a notch and the death by Rottweiler bit does become repetitive. Truth told, some of the killer canine set pieces, thanks to slack puppy-puppetry, feel more like TRIUMPH THE INSULT DOG sketches gone awry, but expertly hung Christmas lights and a party attended by corpses tends to salve my wounds.

Many have pointed out that MADHOUSE's climax resembles that of HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, and I can only touch my nose and point in agreement. Both films came out around the same time so it's nearly impossible that one cribbed off the other, but the similarities are uncanny. Besides the dead birthday party guests and the rampant sibling rivalry present, both films carry a verbatim line, "Take a good long look!" I blame the collective unconscious and synchronicity myself as those pimps are always up to something. In a way, the two films are mismatched battling twinsies from the same litter themselves and I have no problem awarding both Snausages.

MADHOUSE's greatest notoriety may come thanks to a questionable inclusion on Britain's famed "Video Nasty" list. Out of all the films listed it may deserve inclusion the least. I've always found it more GASLIGHT than ghastly, but a recent uncut edition from CODE RED does kick the blood and violence up a notch. More importantly, I can now view this pet pleasure in widescreen, which compliments it like an enamored groupie. The darks are darker, the Christmas tree lights blink a little brighter and miniscule details just pour out of the walls. Now if I could only switch RIZ (CANIBAL HOLOCAUST) ORTOLANI's score to something more sweeping and appropriate rather than randomly blippy.

As is, MADHOUSE hits the spot for me. It doesn't have the wild youthful energy of some of its contemporaries but instead accentuates a comparatively brooding, more classical stance that scratches a certain itch. Yes, I just used the word "classical" to describe a movie that features a power drill being inserted into a dog puppets head. I guess you can thank TRISH EVERLY for that.

Name That Trauma/Traumafessions :: Reader Grayson K. on The Mummies of Guanajuato (Book)

Posted on By aunt john

HELLO KINDERTRAUMA!

I've debated telling this one because I have yet to identify the details, but finally decided the world should know…

When I was in 3rd grade or so, I had a friend in my class who owned a peculiar book. From what I remember, it was taller and wider than a regular book, but much thinner and full of nothing but photos. We would look through it from time to time when the teacher wasn't around and I remember requesting him to bring it on many occasions… a request I would always regret once the day was over and it was bedtime. The subject matter was consistent; dead people. Decomposing people photographed in a portrait like manner.

Specifically, the photos were of remains of coffins that were dug up mere decades after their burial. Probably less time had passed; many of them had suits and dresses on that were not completely eaten away. They were mainly just skeletons with clothes on, and some even had some hair left. One photo was of a woman who apparently was buried alive; a separate photo of the top of the coffin contained scratches and pieces of fingernails.

To this day I do not know what the book was, why it was made or how it fell into the hands of school children (… and yes, I would love a copy).

AUNTIE SEZ: Before we were able to publish this Name That Trauma, Grayson followed up with this email:

If you DO use the kindertrauma that I sent, I have an update; I found the book!

Here it is on Amazon: The Mummies of Guanajuato.

Thanks Kindertrauma!

Name That Trauma :: Reader Beth on a Malevolent Mannequin Maker

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hi Kindertrauma,

I was wondering if you could help me find the name of the very first horror movie my brother and I saw as very young kids, hiding behind the couch while our babysitter watched this movie. We were born in the '80s, and what I can remember of this movie it seemed like an '80s flick, but it may have been from late '70s too.

The plot I recall was some creepy dude living in the basement of a department store who would kidnap women and turn then into mannequins. However, I have seen clips from TOURIST TRAP, MANIAC, and even the MANNEQUIN movie with KIM CATTRALL and none of these seem like it, the movie definitely had a department store connection, many mannequins, and was scary as hell (at least, to a 6-year-old).

This has been bothering us for more than 20 years, so if anyone could help us out that would be great.

Thanks!

Beth

UNK SEZ: Beth, I think I know this one! In fact, it was a Name That Trauma of my own once (check the comments section HERE!) Luckily our stalwart kinderpal Mickster was able to track this short film down. It's called LIVING DOLLS and it seems to have been used often as filler between shows in the early days of cable. You may not believe this… but unlike the last time I looked for this film on YouTube, this time I found it!

I just watched it myself and I think it's even creepier than I remembered. More frightening still, as the film ends, it is followed by an episode of MY SISTER SAM which I've decided is proof that not only does the Devil exist, but he also truly does enjoy manifesting in the form of JENNY O'HARA. Yikes and yikes! Watch below…

UPDATE: Reader Beth emailed this:

Sorry for the delay in response; I have been waiting for my brother's opinion, and unfortunately the conclusion is that we're not sure if this is it. There is something familiar about it (and as a side note I do agree heartily that HD is not good for horror films), however what I recall of the plot was that the man was the villain and was actually turning live women into mannequins. But I may just be remembering incorrectly. Sorry I couldn't give you a definite yes or no about Unk's kind contribution to my question.

Thanks so much!

Beth

Flashback (2000)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Do you remember about a decade ago when I was working at a video store and I was in charge of the buying and I was ordering every post-SCREAM slasher revival flick that came down the pike even though most of them were beyond terrible? Neither do I, but the journal that I wrote whilst wearing a monocle says that it happened. The other night while rummaging through the furthest reaches of Netflix streaming I spotted a film from that sour time period that I actually liked. It's called FLASHBACK and it's from Germany and I recommend it with only a half dozen or so caveats. I feel it's my duty because the cover art is abominable and is sure to repel any potential advocates.

First of all, this endorsement is for slasher fans only. If you're not a slasher fan you might as well keep walking; nothing to see here. Clichés abound so your enjoyment level probably depends on how much you embrace certain tropes. Secondly, the Netflix streaming version (unlike the DVD) only presents the film dubbed and oh, what a dub it is. Personally I can get into bad dubbing. I find it sort of amusing and strange and think it can add a weird surreal cartoon tone to things. Yeah, it makes the film harder to take seriously but it adds a goofy fun element too. The dubbed version of FLASHBACK is particularly ridiculous and clumsy and may be the absolute corniest found this side of THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY, but I say lean into the turns and get down with the sickness.

Let's get to some of the good stuff. I like the slick but not too slick way this film was shot and it's setting in the Austrian Alps is postcard glorious; as routine as some of the action is, the location and the novel atmosphere are worth the trip. Another big bonus is the multitude of kills which are deliciously bloody and darkly humorous in an almost HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME type of way. A sickle ala CURTAINS is deftly put to use for most of them, but an assortment of more unusual tools and devices are utilized too. The bloodshed is fierce but funny, leaning on slapstick rather than mean-spiritedness. You will also find ELKE (BARON BLOOD, LISA AND THE DEVIL) SOMMER lurking around the premises and that can only be a good thing. Dubbed or not, ELKE is ELKE.

I'm unashamed of digging the plot, which is as rickety and boiler plate as they come. A psychopath in ladies garb is murdering people. As a child, Jeanette watches her parents murdered by the killer during an URBAN LEGEND-influenced home invasion. She spends ten years in a mental hospital under close scrutiny of a psychiatrist smelling of red herring and is released to tutor French to a trio of tech savvy spoiled siblings. People get slaughtered left and right and the list of suspects is tenfold. Has the killer returned or is Jeanette bonkers? As mundane as this all may sound FLASHBACK does offer a few semi-unpredictable twists and turns. Nobody needed the bungling cops accompanied by flip musical cues in HALLOWEEN 5 and they certainly don't need them here, but they are a small price to pay to see a sickle wedged in a head and body parts flying out of a snow blower.

Perhaps some of the reason FLASHBACK is better than you'd expect is because it stemmed from an original idea from HAMMER mainstay JIMMY SANGSTER (THE CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN, THE NANNY, WHO SLEW AUTIE ROO?) although it's obviously been filtered through and influenced by the aforementioned SCREAM-machine as well. Like I stated though, I enjoy this jaunt scads more than most of the other wannabes littering video shelves early last decade. It's got yummy gore, a devil may care disposition, jaw dropping scenery and ELKE SOMMER after all. I suggest slasher fans check it out and why not give it a bit of a leg up with some inebriation to boot. It won't change your world but it might change your night and as awkward as the dubbing is, like many wretched and unnecessary annoyances in life, you do get used to it. You might even end up like me and learn to love it.

Traumafessions :: Reader Count Otto Black on the Daleks

Posted on By aunt john

It all started with the Daleks. You know what a Dalek is, don't you? The amazingly long-lived British T.V. show DOCTOR WHO never quite conquered America, but I think even Americans will be familiar with the Daleks, because they're without doubt one of the scariest monsters ever invented. Hell, they're scarier than quite a few of the real ones.

According to legend, their creator, the late TERRY NATION, was in his local library when he happened to glance at the volume of The Encyclopedia Britannica labeled "DAL – LEK" and the proverbial cartoon light bulb appeared over his head. His next problem was figuring out what something as alien-sounding as a "Dalek" could possibly look like. But when he saw the pepperpots in the BBC canteen, cartoon light bulb #2 clicked on, and the rest is history and staggeringly lucrative toy-sales.

I was a nervous child. Pretty much anything concerning ghosts, monsters, or Very Bad Things generally would disturb my sleep-patterns for weeks. I even had recurring nightmares which nowadays would be identified by those excitable types with the tinfoil beanies as alien abductions, but fortunately this was back in those innocent days before Whitley Streiber explained to us that made-up space-aliens are real after all, so at least I didn't have that to worry about as well. But of course I was scared of Daleks. Every child in Britain was scared of Daleks. Well, we are talking about Nazi dustbins with voices that could grate cheese going around killing people for no particular reason, despite being armed only with an egg-whisk and a toilet-plunger, and anyone aware of this website knows that kids take that sort of stuff very seriously indeed.

And, being an imaginative sort of child, it got me thinking. So: you're four years old, and you know that a completely non-human, inorganic thing about five feet tall that looks like an everyday household object can suddenly come to life and kill you for no reason at all. Having established that your immediate environment is mercifully Dalek-free, what else do you need to worry about?

Well, for starters, there are those horrific charity-collecting boxes that you hardly ever see any more (I can't imagine why.) You know, the ones consisting of a life-size fiberglass replica of a disabled child with a disturbingly blank stare that your average zombie could take a master-class from. Of course, being made entirely from fiberglass, they're obviously rigidly immobile.

But the trouble is, they've got that cylindrical base just like a Dalek.

And we've all seen how well Daleks cope with extreme disability. Wait a minute – those boxes are thrusting a box in your face on behalf of the disabled… Do you see a connection forming here? When you're four years old and political correctness hasn't been invented yet, by God you see a connection forming…

I had nightmares about those things! I really did! They only came out at night (of course), but when they did, they invaded my house (of course.) Shiny, rigid, melancholy polio boys gliding around in absolute silence, holding out their collecting boxes for – who knew what? At that age my grasp of economics was at best vague, but even I knew that a horror of this magnitude was unlikely to be kept at bay by a four-year-old's pocket money. Luckily they had one screamingly obvious design-fault – a total inability to climb stairs. If my bedroom had been moved downstairs, or if the BBC had decided 20 years sooner that Daleks could fly, I think I might have been in a certain amount of psychiatric peril. But it wasn't and they didn't, so I had that magic staircase to protect me from those glossy lads.

Name That Trauma :: Reader Amy K. on a Bad Bear

Posted on By aunt john

kim richards

I remember seeing a movie when I was a kid, possibly from the early-to-mid '80s, and there's only one scene I remember. In it, a man finds his childhood teddy bear. He decides to do what any normal person would do, and takes a nap with said bear. While he is sleeping, the bear grows either claws or fangs (it's been a long time so I'm not sure which) and kills him.

It had quite the effect on me, even to this day. I've been trying for quite some time now to figure out what this movie is and I'm not having any luck.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks so much!!

— Amy

kim richards

The Philadelphia Experiment

Posted on By aunt john

Once in a very great while a movie comes along that seamlessly combines top drawer acting and mind-boggling special effects while exposing a shameful military cover-up. 1984's THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT is not such a film; however it does have one card up its sleeve that trumps its inherent mediocrity and her name, my friends, is NANCY ALLEN!

Okay, NANCY naysayers, hear me out. During the tumultuous weather patterns that crippled the Eastern Seaboard last month, I found myself with plenty of sofa time and a desire to watch DePALMA's BLOW OUT. Enter the ALLEN on her one-trick hooker pony and I really thought she stunk up the joint. UNK strongly disagreed and requested that I at least watch DRESSED TO KILL before I threw NANCY out once and for all with the married-to-the-director bathwater. UNK, I gotta say, really knows best! As the working gal with the heart of gold who, with the help of a plucky teen shutterbug, turns the tables on a straight-razor wielding transvestite therapist, ALLEN secured my undying admiration and sent me on a quest to explore her full body of work.

In short, THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT is loosely based on the conspiracy theory surrounding battleship invisibility testing that allegedly took place at the tail end of World War II in the Philly Naval Shipyard. As the story goes, a naval destroyer temporarily disappeared during a top-secret, hush-hush experiment gone awry and when it reappeared, some of the crew members were stuck in the walls and the decks and, in the end, they were all driven insane by the residual effects of time travel and the government covered it up. Or something like that (if you care to go down that rabbit hole, by all means, be my guest and please go HERE.)

Perhaps realizing that a whole film devoted to time traveling seamen would not be of interest to a mainstream audience (I mean, sure that could play in the art houses, but not Middle America); the screenwriters threw in an unrequited love story between one of the time-displaced sailors (brooding slab of beef MICHAEL PARE) and an ambitious ingénue headed from Cincinnati to Los Angeles who gets carjacked when she stops to use a payphone in one of those creepy, two-mule desert towns in Nevada.

So, of course, our hopeful actress looking for her big break is played by NANCY, who gets even more props in my book for playing against type by neither being a lady of the night nor a complete monster (ala her bitchy, star-making turn in CARRIE.) You see, ALLEN, as I have finally comes to realize, has somewhat of a considerable range and THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT showcases her previously unseen empathetic and maternal sides. Whereas anyone in her right mind would probably press charges against the sailors for kidnapping and car jacking and then not show up for the hearing because she had a really big audition, ALLEN's character sees something in PARE's troubled puppy eyes. She packs a hell of a lot into the little line, "I believe that you believe it."

And since she believes in him, we the audience must too, even as he grows increasingly insufferable and more violent as the film progresses. He trashes the motel room she rents for them, never manages a simple thank you for the packs of smokes she buys for him, and nearly kills her when he subjects them to one of the hokiest high-speed car chases through an orchard ever caught on film. But that's NANCY, she cares damn it, and for that I cannot fault her for this hot mess of a movie.

Blame could be placed on director JOSEPH RAFFILL, but how can I, in good conscience, hate on the genius responsible for the Kindertraumatic Klassic MAC & ME (not to mention THE ICE PIRATES and MANNEQUIN: ON THE MOVE )? I could try to fault the special effects department for making every last time travel sequence look like it was ripped from the then cutting-edge "HBO Feature Presentation" teaser trailer, but as a kid of the late ‘70s/ early ‘80s I was raised on that and am quite the soft touch when it comes to rudimentary lighting effects. Haters hate, but back then, that sort of stuff was cool on the first go round.

Seriously though, I think the Stockholm syndrome so elegantly exhibited by ALLEN rubbed off on me. I should not recommend this film to anyone, and I won't, but I am kind of looking forward to watching its 1993 sequel THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT II. What's that you say? NANCY ain't in it… well then, never mind.

Name That Trauma :: Reader Heidi on Popped Out Peepers

Posted on By aunt john

Dear Kindertrauma,

This is a movie that keeps coming to my mind from time to time and I hope someone will recognize it. I saw it on T.V. sometime in the early-mid '90s, but I really can't remember if it was old or new movie at the time.

There's only one scene I can remember and I think it was the ending of the movie: A man is lying in bed scooping his own eyes out with a spoon. I think there was a dead woman lying next to him and he had killed her before. I don't know if I remember correctly but I think it was his eyes that somehow made him kill her. I keep running into a movie called THE HEADLESS EYES (1971) but judging by the scenes I've seen, I don't think it's the one I'm thinking of.

Maybe someone could name another movie with some eye scooping in it?

Thanks!

— Heidi