kindertrauma

Name That Trauma :: Reader Chris F. on Plant People

Posted on By aunt john

I don't know the name of the movie…..I've been trying to find it for years….it was on T.V. (HBO?) Early '80s and a group of people were stranded on an island (maybe a planet) where the only source of food were plants that when you ate them, you would turn into a plant and one by one the people would give into hunger and eat the plant. It is the only movie that has ever creeped me out and it still does to this day. Any idea what the movie is?

UNK SEZ: Chris F., I've come across many a killer plant movie in my day but few where people are transformed into the plants that they've eaten. The only one I can think of where that scenario occurs is MATANGO (1963) a.k.a. ATTACK OF THE MUSHROOM PEOPLE, Directed by ISHIRO HONDA (GODZILLA) and based on the story "The Voice In The Night" by WILLIAM HOPE HODGSON. It just might be the one you're looking for.

In the movie a group of shipwrecked people find themselves on a bizarre looking deserted island, so strange it could be mistaken for another planet. Although warned not to eat the fungus found on the island, starvation gets the better of them. One by one they succumb to temptation, only to go mad and turn into plants themselves.

As wacked out as the premise sounds, the trippy local and the palpable fear of contagion really are disturbing. Who would ever think that a movie about killer mushrooms could be so effective? Now, I'm not sure if this is the one you're seeking, I doubt it was ever on HBO but even if it's not, hopefully I lead you toward a horror classic you will enjoy anyway. Otherwise the floor is open, does anyone know of a movie that might better fit Chris F.'s description?

UPDATE: Unk was right.

[REC] 2 is Decent, DESCENT:PART 2 is a Wreck!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

You're courting heartbreak when your expectation for a movie sequel is for it to hit the nail on the head in the same manor as the original. It's almost a built in impossibility, if it were easy to capture lightning in a jar, the films they were sequel-izing wouldn't have been so special in the first place. Two of the last decades strongest, most competent horror flicks [REC] and THE DESCENT have sprouted highly anticipated continuations. Both take off just where their predecessor landed, both expose a startling development (the same development actually) and both falter in capitalizing on that development's full potential. I can't say either film is without entertainment value, they both keep your attention and deliver at least a few good gotcha moments, but (don't kill the messenger!) these two comrades in the art of diminishing returns are likely to leave fans longing for their original's sting. In my opinion, [REC] 2 fares better than THE DESCENT: PART 2 due to that fact that even though it sometimes feels like a diluted shadow of its former self, it's at least never outright boneheaded.

Directors JUAME BALAGUERO and PACO PLAZA who delivered the first [REC] are no slouches; they know exactly what they're doing and exactly how to make you squirm. In this installment we follow a SWAT team and a priest who have entered the infested, quarantined apartment building from the first film. As this is our second venture into the address, we're admittedly signing up to learn more. Unfortunately a lot of the first film's strength was derived from our confusion, we're braced this time and have an inkling of what to expect. The original [REC] only implied an evasive supernatural cause to the horror but now those muddied waters clear. I can't say that [REC] 2 isn't riveting and frenetic but with its leaning more toward action oriented tropes and its more focused view of the situation, it kind of looses the peaking through a keyhole into hell aspect that packed the original's cinder block fist.

We end up with a sort of well oiled, modern retelling of LAMBERTO BAVA's DEMONS 2, which is not a bad thing at all, just don't expect to pee your pants. I don't know, maybe this film's biggest crime is just being second in the series. The bottom line is, the first [REC] haunted the hell out of me where this sequel works merely as a reasonably thrilling jaunt. Maybe I should be thankful.

So what's THE DESCENT: PART 2's excuse? The filmmakers were able to bring back SHAUNA MACDONALD who was so good in the first movie, they were able to impressively duplicate the look of that film from its rolling forests to its claustrophobic caverns and yet nobody thought it might be a good idea to double check the script? I just want to grab a big red pen and cross out most of what is done here story wise. Somehow I was able to FORCE myself to swallow the set-up, which involves the police dragging a heavily medicated trauma patient from her hospital bed and back to the location of her ordeal, I felt I owed the first movie that much. Little did I know that was merely the idiot appetizer of a four-course moron meal and a dumb as dirt dessert.

I don't want to spoil anything, this movie needs all the help it can get but if you've seen it already, can I just say that the sloppy, obvious bit with the handcuffs infuriated me? What a ridiculously blaring set up for a lazy, not worth it pay off. Truly, I'm insulted. There's a lagging, lackluster effort to conceive an emotional aerial view martyr death finale (ala ALIEN 3) but I felt so mishandled by that point that it came off like an awkward pass from someone who should just go to bed. Ugh and ugh and furthermore, UGH!!!

O.K. I admit, I jumped a couple times but I expected more for this series. I feel like I just married off my favorite daughter to the most feeble-minded dolt in town. Worse still is the epilogue, which I can only describe as a cinematic Dirty Sanchez.

I'm not saying you shouldn't see these two films, REC 2 is pretty good, it's just not possessed by Satan himself like the first one was and THE DESCENT 2 is kind of fun in a ditzy straight to DVD piece of utter crap sort of way. Just keep your expectations low (in DESCENT 2's case VERY low, as in place the limbo pole on the floor) and remember your Unk warned you. Meanwhile, I'll still be wondering why the female mole person in THE DESCENT: PART 2 (or "crawler", who really cares anymore?) has long hair. Seriously, I'm surprised they didn't put a little red bow in it.

Monster-Mania Con 14

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hey look it's me, your Unkle Lancifer standing next to his hero TOM ATKINS star of such classics as THE FOG, HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH and NIGHT OF THE CREEPS! Now, normally I'm a bit apprehensive about meeting my idols, I'm kind of scared that they'll let me down in some way (plus, there's the infamous LORI SINGER facial tick fiasco of ‘82 to consider) but in the case of MR. ATKINS, I just knew he was going to be as genuine and down to earth as he appears on screen and I was 100% correct.

To me, TOM ATKINS has always represented the unheralded coolness of the unpretentious everyman. In his finest roles he's down on his luck, in the wrong place at the wrong time yet perfectly willing to step up to the plate and save the day. He's the hero risking his life intuitively with zero interest in compensation or recognition for his efforts. I can't say that I've ever fully understood the ritual of hand shaking until I met this guy; after growing up with his films and learning to appreciate them further still as an adult, it was just a genuine honor to shake his hand. I met MR. ATKINS at the Monstermania convention in Jersey last Saturday and even though he was my main inspiration for traipsing out during a near hurricane, he was to be the first of several exceptional folks that I was lucky enough to hobnob with.

So I'm sitting at the hotel bar with Aunt John drinking a beer (as designated driver A.J. is responsibly drinking cola) and who should plop right down next to me and order lunch but NEIL AFFLECK "Axel" from MY BLOODY VALENTINE (1981)! Now, if you've seen the film you know Axel is the guy doing the killing, so I'm basically sitting next to Harry Warden himself! Don't worry, I let him eat his lunch in peace but before it arrived I talked his ear off. He told me how much he loved the town they filmed the movie in; that he thought the remake was good; that his daughter has now seen both versions and even about the time his car broke down in a Texas snow storm. NEIL now works in animation and has directed episodes of FAMILY GUY and THE SIMPSONS. He's a super modest, salt of the earth type of guy and a joy to talk to. He was really happy that the remake had brought new attention to the classic film but I informed him that there were many of us who were already crazy about M.B.V. I stopped just short of confessing that the release of the uncut DVD was kinda sorta the high point of my existence on account of I didn't want him to think (know) that I was a weirdo.

Now hours later I'm up at the bar again ordering another beer (don't judge) and a coke for A.J. and this handsome cat is standing next to me and it's STEVE MARSHALL from NIGHT OF THE CREEPS!!! (I swear Aunt John, he said hi to me first!) I told him how much I dug the extras on the recent DVD and how I noticed the obvious camaraderie between he and fellow stars JASON LIVELY and JILL WHITLOW. He said that they really are all best friends and that he and JASON love to tease JILL. In fact he revealed that while on a recent pit-stop into Philly for cheesesteaks they were able to convince her that all of the horses pulling carriages in the city were mechanical robots built by Walt Disney. (Sorry, JILL but that one is too good not to repeat!) Anyway STEVE was a blast to talk to and very funny, so much so that when I left him at the bar I totally forgot to grab the coke I ordered for Aunt John…oops.

Now, you'd think that would be enough to institute a red letter day but there's more. The truth is Aunt John and I knew we were going to be in good company for the festivities because we were meeting our pals TENEBROUS KATE & BARON from LOVE TRAIN FOR THE TENEBROUS EMPIRE (it will make you diabetic if I tell you how we feel about those two, so I'll skip it.) There we all were laughing it up when I spy JOHNNY BOOTS the overlord of FREDDY IN SPACE who I recognize immediately from his Horror Blips avatar. He tells us he's there to meet GEOF from the swell blog ENTER THE MAN CAVE. Hey, we know GEOF, he's a past traumafessor!

Soon we're all gathered round the table swapping stories about the convention and forging a makeshift legion of doom. It was gratifying to be around fellow bloggers that I admire and to see everybody's die hard enthusiasm shining through. I have to thank that impromptu group for helping me reestablish why I enjoy blogging so much in the first place, nobody was there to compete or debate it was all about basking in our collective horror fanaticism. Even with our widely divergent tastes, we were all there for one thing and one thing only, the love of the genre.

I know there are those who question the validity of blogging in general, (who are these blogging people and why should I care what they think?) They might even try to pull rank and suggest that blogs are inferior to flashy websites or ye olde printed page but I say they're just kicking up dust. All I know is that when I was growing up I had exactly ONE other friend who felt the same way I did about horror movies, ONE other friend who read FANGORIA and stayed up late to watch anything that even remotely resembled a horror film, ONE other person who knew what the hell I was talking about. Now I talk to countless people every week about horror movies and we at kindertrauma get emails from all over the world. Blogging allows a two way street paved on an even playing field that other mediums and means of communication can only envy. As E.M. FORSTER once twittered "Only connect." So here is a picture of me and TOM ATKINS, where once I only had only ONE person to share it with, I now thankfully have all of you.

Name That Trauma :: Reader Mike on a T.V. Taunter, an Impaled Athelete & a Saddistic Scuplter

Posted on By aunt john

Hi,

I have searched all over the internet trying to find the title to four movies I caught on T.V. when I was younger. I found the answer to the first – TOBE HOOPER's INVADERS FROM MARS (I always remember the people getting sucked down into the vortexes of sand). But I can't find the answer to these other three. Unfortunately, I don't remember much.

In the first movie, I remember a group of people, possibly older teenagers, in a room that has a television and an evil-looking man appears on the television, maybe to give them directions or taunt them or something. The room might have been some type of mausoleum or something, as I seem to remember there being a coffin in the room, and I think there was a lot of dry ice fog. The only other thing I remember is that I think the rest of the movie is simply the people getting killed in the house in various ways. The movie was very dark and I think one scene was of someone getting crushed to death by a floating coffin, maybe? I think somebody may have fallen down the stairs as well.

The second movie I remember even less. The main thing I remember was that a nurse was trying to kill some students in a high school and she killed one student by throwing a pole vaulting pole that had a sharpened end a very long distance and killing a student in front of some lockers.

Finally, the last movie was featured on Svengoolie. I've looked at the list of movies that have been featured on Svengoolie, but none seem to match this. It was an older movie about an artist who killed people and hid the bodies in these large, reddish monster sculptures he made. I remember the sculptures were very mottled in appearance.

That's all I remember! If anyone can help I would really appreciate it!

Mike

UNK SEZ: I'm pretty confident that the first one you mentioned is FRIGHTMARE a.k.a THE HORROR STAR from 1982. The film's villain makes an appearance at his own funeral via a taped message on a television, a woman is smashed under a coffin AND dry ice abounds everywhere. Check out the detailed synopsis over at HYSTERIA LIVES and check out the trailer below…

…As for the second film you mentioned I'll let Aunt John handle that one, it's one of his favorite movies of all time!

AUNT JOHN SEZ: Mike, I can say with the utmost certainty that your second trauma stems from the 1982 all-star slasher spoof PANDEMONIUM. Unfortunately, this chestnut has never made it to DVD and I can't seem to find my VHS copy anywhere here in the Kindertrauma Castle to grab the scene you are talking about. Anyhows, here's the trailer:

And here's another classic scene with CAROL KANE, EILEEN BRENNAN, and some dirty pillows:

UNK SEZ: The third film you're looking for sounds a lot like ROGER CORMAN's BUCKET OF BLOOD but you mentioned red clay and that one is in black and white. If the trailer below doesn't ring a bell, maybe one of our knowledgeable readers has a better guess?

UPDATE: Although FRIGHTMARE is correct, Mike tells us that the second film he was looking for was actually FATAL GAMES from 1984 (kudos to reader Magired for solving that one!). He has also confirmed that the third film is 1973's SCREAM PRETTY PEGGY, thanks go to our old pal Senski of HEART IN A JAR for figuring that one out (and Craig for backing him up!). Thanks to all who helped Mike solve his trio of mysteries, check out the comments for further details!-UNK

Name That Trauma :: Mitch of Vitamin Burger on a Tongue Craving Cat

Posted on By aunt john

Hey guys,

My name is Mitch and I do a blog called Vitamin Burger, you were nice enough to follow me. I had a question, well more of a conformation. When I was around 10 or 11 it was either 1981 or ‘82, I saw a T.V. show and I think it was called DARKROOM? It was a omnibus type show, and had scary stories, similar to TALES FROM THE CRYPT. I remember an episode and I think it was called "Cat Got Your Tongue," but not for sure.

I can only recall a few minor details: a guy on a motorcycle, and old woman, and at the end of the episode, a woman asked the guy, "What's wrong, cat got your tongue?"… then it showed a cat actually eating the guys tongue out.

Am I right? Was it DARKROOM? Was that the name of the episode? Have you seen it? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks so much,

Mitch

AUNT JOHN SEZ: Mitch, this trauma does come from the short-lived, JAMES COBURN-hosted anthology series DARKROOM. The segment you are talking about is called "Catnip" (from episode five) and stars JOCELYN BRANDO. For more details, and screen grabs, be sure to check out THE HAUNTED CLOSET.

Happy St. Patty's Day!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Is it possible for Kindertrauma to celebrate St. Patrick's Day without bringing up either LEPRECHAUN or DARBY O'GILL AND THE LITTLE PEOPLE? I thought not, but then your brilliant Aunt John came up with the brainstorm of ST. PATTY DUKE DAY! You read that right; today we celebrate the work of Hollywood legend PATTY DUKE.

This once child star went on to win an Oscar and multiple Emmys, she recorded gold records, wrote best selling books, she became the president of the Screens Actor's Guild and she was an early activist for mental health issues particularly bipolar disorder. If that's not enough, she can also lay claim to doing the horizontal hokey pokey with Gomez Addams (JOHN ASTIN).

Her progeny have gone on to star in motion pictures both small (THE LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY) and large (THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE.) Luckily for traumatots everywhere, over the decades DUKE has also done her fair share of work (mostly for television) in our favorite genre. Let's take a look at some of the great horrors glittering in St. PATTY's pot of gold!

YOU'LL LIKE MY MOTHER (1972)

This one sure plays like a seventies television movie but truth is, it actually did get a limited theatrical run. Based on a novel by NOAMI A. HINTZ, this colder than a shamrock shake thriller finds a preggo DUKE crashing into the ultimate ice queen mother-in-law (ROSEMARY MURPHY) with nail chomping suspense as a result. Modern viewers may find the pace slower than a glacier thaw but if you stick around till the end you will witness RICHARD "John Boy Walton" THOMAS giving ANTHONY PERKINS a run for his money in the twisted momma's boy department. Perfect for a snowy night couch ride if you are able to track down the out-of-print VHS tape.

LOOK WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ROSEMARY'S BABY (1976)

Forget the baby, look what's happened to Rosemary; she's turned into PATTY DUKE! Eight years after the legendary film ROSEMARY'S BABY left theaters, a television sequel surfaced just in time to cash in on recent theatrical hit THE OMEN. Yes, it's a major step down from its predecessor but if it makes you feel any better, ROSEMARY author IRA LEVIN's own stab at continuing the tale SON OF ROSEMARY, was pretty dang awful too. This boob tube mish-mash would try the patience of any saint but you certainly can't blame whoever was in charge of casting! Look for future PONTYOOL star STEPHEN McHATTIE as the title kid all grown up and ready to glam rock, check out RAY MILLAND filling in for SIDNEY BLACKMER as RUTH GORDON's creepy Castevet hubby, and hey, you even get a well deserved dose of TINA LOUISE.

I caught this one on T.V. when I was growing up and although I don't think I stayed awake for the whole crazy affair I remember being truly scared by the scene where Rosemary takes a ride to nowhere, trapped inside a satanic bus (is there any other kind?)

CURSE OF THE BLACK WIDOW (1977)

Director DAN CURTIS (TRILOGY OF TERROR, BURNT OFFERINGS) is nothing less than a kindertrauma legend, nearly everything he touches turns to gold. CURSE OF THE BLACK WIDOW will never be considered his shiniest coin, but who are we to say no to a Reagley-Beagley look at seventies pick up bars, especially when said bars are being preyed upon by a man-eater who transforms into a giant spider! Could PATTY who plays DONNA MILLS uptight, spinster-y twin sister be in the center of this sticky web? Let's just say DUKE has some great gams…eight to be exact.

THE BABYSITTER (1980)

Hold on to your man PATTY DUKE even if he is WILLIAM SHATNER! STEPHANIE ZIMBALIST plays a 19-year-old home wrecking babysitter (you'd be riled too if you had to sit for QUINN CUMMINGS!) in this ahead of its time predatory usurper tale. Can PATTY keep her perfect nest from being picked apart by a younger chickie? Will drinking heavily and throwing furniture help? DUKE releases her cuckoo Kraken in this darker than you think, double cheese classic. Extra points rewarded for providing a resting spot for JOHN HOUSEMAN between THE FOG and GHOST STORY.

AMITYVILLE 4: THE EVIL ESCAPES (1989)

It says a lot about the overall quality of THE AMITYVILLE HORROR franchise that this installment, which involves a haunted lamp, is far from the worst in the so-called series. Oh, it's pretty terrible, but unlike some of the others, it makes up for its lack of common sense with an irresistible onslaught of high camp hilarity. It may not be good but damn if it isn't entertaining.

DUKE is recent widower Nancy Evans who, strapped for cash, uproots her three intolerable children and moves in with her mother (JAYNE WYATT). Unbeknownst to all is the fact that Grammy just accepted a gift straight from an Amityville garage sale, complete with an evil entity stowaway poised to cause havoc! This devil faced, coat rack looking lamp is so devious that it somehow recruits all of the homes other appliances in its sinister crusade against the family. Frustratingly though, it's only the hired help and a luckless parakeet who die horrible deaths.

Maybe that's how it should be, DUKE has taken on and conquered more in her real life than anything thrown at her in AMITYVILLE 4. As soon as she gets a grasp of what's going on, there can only be one conclusion and that's lights out lamp! It's a testament to PATTY's professionalism that even when knee deep in hokum she plows forward delivering the same amount of gusto she would any role. Inanimate objects beware.

This is merely a handful of DUKE's output, she appeared in the bee-movie disaster THE SWARM (more on that one another day), the REAR WINDOW T.V. wannabe 1974's NIGHTMARE and she guest starred on spooky series like THE SIXTH SENSE, GHOST STORY and NIGHT GALLERY.

PATTY's episode of NIGHT GALLERY "Diary" is one of my favorites as she portrays a bitchy gossip columnist who gets a delicious comeuppance. Give yourself a St. PATTY's Day treat by watching it below on HULU. Make sure you stick around after DUKE's segment to see CESAR ROMERO as Dracula, HELL NIGHT's VINCE VAN PATTEN taking on JOHN CARRADINE in the RICHARD MATHESON penned "Big Surprise" and lastly, CARL REINER in a classic salute to H.P. LOVECRAFT where he literally turns green!

HAPPY ST. PATTY DUKE DAY TO ALL!

Name That Trauma :: Reader Cathy on a Sexy Smell

Posted on By aunt john

Dear Fellow Horror-Heads,

Back when I was in middle school (and on through high school), I used to frequent this little mom and pop video store that was chalk full of horror VHS tapes (ah, the good ol' days!). I had always been a fan of horror movies, but this little hole in the wall video store opened my eyes to the likes of NIGHT OF THE DEMONS, SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE, KILLER PARTY, etc. I was in horror heaven (or hell depending on how you wanna look at it!). So many gems from the ‘70s and ‘80s! Some awesomely good and some so awesomely horrible that I just had to watch them another thirty or forty times just to be sure they were awesomely horrible (and sometimes to memorize the lines! Shut it! I'm weird. I'm allowed.)

For the last couple years I've been trying to remember the name of one of the movies I rented oh so long ago, but I haven't the slightest clue where to begin the search because I don't remember much about the movie. It had a very generic storyline, I believe. Group of high school or college kids decide to frequent an old house, bloody hi-jinks ensue.

There was a particularly traumatizing moment in the movie that, young as I was, just made my eyes bug out as I asked myself, "The hell?" At some point during the storyline, two people get lost in the house for a little nudge-nudge, wink-wink, zonk-zonk. That's not the part that traumatized me though.

Sometime after that couple got lost for a little horror movie lovin', a group of girls (and I don't remember if these girls were onto the fact that everyone was dying yet or not) went up to look for them. The thing that struck me as horrifying was that one of the girls, as they were walking up the stairs, said it smelled like sex.

Say what?

Yes, sex. I, hormonal and not too bright, was all like, "Oh my blazing bounty chickens, what in the world does sex SMELL like?"

To someone who didn't know any better, completely terrifying!

Anyway, I was wondering if my fellow horror-heads had any idea what this movie is called. I would love to get my hands on a copy.

Cathy

Alice In Wonderland (2010)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Maybe it's just beyond the capabilities of mankind to produce a truly faithful film adaptation of LEWIS CARROLL's phantasmic nonsense dispenser ALICE IN WONDERLAND. Many have tried and many have failed. At best you usually end up with something that resembles a very long Ronald McDonaldland commercial and at worst you find yourself confronted by the never should be spoken in the same breath talents of SHERMAN HEMSLEY and CAROL CHANNING. You'd think that marrying director TIM BURTON to the material would be the perfect solution but then you remember that BURTON is a "genius" which is code for, "no longer has the ability to self-edit." I've always thought that the best, most faithful realization of CARROLL's vision could be found in the inserts created by JIM HENSON for the underappreciated 1985 film DREAMCHILD and really, the new DISNEY doused incarnation of Wonderland does little to challenge my theory.

As much as BURTON can be relied upon to deliver impressive visuals, you can also bet on the fact that the story is going to be as directionless as a windup toy and that he will inject at least one scene that is off the charts embarrassing (can you say victory break dance?) 2010's ALICE IN WONDERLAND is at times, splendid to behold but the constant clashing of styles, tone, texture and perspective can be headache inducing as well. For me, the lush, organic exteriors worked the best, whereas the more synthetic looking interiors held no weight at all. There is some beautiful stuff to take in for sure but at some point I do believe my eyeballs just started feeling queasy. You know there's a problem if you start entertaining the idea of shoving Alka-Seltzer tablets into your retinas. Between you and me though, as tacky as the Spencer's gift shop aesthetic can sometimes be, I'd be lying if I didn't at times think that the film would be fun to watch with my long lost college girlfriend Mary Jane.

Operating for the most part as an unofficial sequel, ALICE finds our once curiouser and curiouser moppet about to potentially loose herself to a loveless marriage at the age of 19. (Alice is played by the pretty and pouty MIA WASIKOWSKA…hey, didn't KATHLEEN TURNER star in a movie about her once?) Props are deserved for the all too rare, girl-power message. Alice gets the chance to yield a sword and slay a dragon (or Jabberwocky) and rather than simply let that stand as a physical act of strength, it's also made clear that she is fighting to keep her imagination and sense of self alive. I just wish that theme could have been better sewn throughout the entire tale rather than just cushioning the beginning and ending like a pair of fluffy earmuffs. Instead, the force fed creamy center of this tasty cake is plagued by a backlash-baiting JOHNNY DEPP whose Mad Hatter character seems hell bent on claiming the spotlight as his own. JOHNNY is yet another "genius" who needs to get a grip. His performance is so uneven and inconsistent that you get the idea that he approached the role based on passing daily whims. (Sorry, but DEPP's "work" in ALICE makes his MARY TYLER WONKA routine seem understated and controlled.)

On the hit-the-nail-on-the-head front, ALAN RICKMAN, as the blue caterpillar, is spot on, STEPHEN FRY as the Cheshire Cat is a welcome relief whenever he materializes and LITTLE BRITAIN's MATT LUCAS makes an equally convincing Tweedledee as he does a Tweedledum. I have to say though, how dare anyone cast CRISPIN GLOVER in an ALICE IN WONDERLAND film and not give HIM the part of the Mad Hatter? What kinda hooka smoke makes you do that? I know DEPP is a major selling point but c'mon BURTON and DISNEY, you can afford to take a hit to the wallet for the sake of art every once in a while. In addition I'd just like to add, and I don't mean to sound rude here, I think HELENA BONAM CARTER is seriously one of the most beautiful women who has ever graced the Earth but does she really need that much CGI help in the big head department? Not from where I'm standing.

I guess if I had kids I would probably drag them to see this; regardless, it's not the worst movie ever made, it just happens to play like a mixed tape of over worked KIDZ BOP cover songs. I suppose I should give BURTON credit for playing against his darker more gothic instincts but when the alternative is so loud and Easter pastel garish, I'm not so sure. This is your fault JIM HENSON, you should have gone to the doctor's for regular check-ups! That way, both ALICE and I may have someday gotten the movie we deserved.

NOTE: Rather than check out the overseen trailer for BURTON's film, let's take a look at some of Alice's earlier trips down the rabbit hole. Some work better than others but they are all, as they should be, very kindertraumatic.

TIP: The above video has no sound so play it simultaneously with the music video below (you might need to play the music video twice as it's shorter) and remember: feed your head!